I had forgotten

For reasons here and there. Reasons known and ignored. For months now. I haven't really been able to focus on my book. I've looked at it. I've talked about it. I think I wrote a few pages a month or so ago. However, for, well, almost half a year, I have been in stasis with it. I have told myself I was going to work on it. I may have even lied and said I was going to work on it. Mainly however, I just stared at it. Looked over what I already had. Did nothing.

I think a combination of things have finally unlocked though. Acceptance of some, passage of others, stronger will, and just some actual time away from work. I also can not diminish the support of some friends who won't let me forget my goal..and some that have challenged me (you know I can't leave a challenge alone! lol).

Today I told myself I was going to write. I tried the whole 'lets do something else instead'. However, the laundry was already done. The house was clean. I had nothing that needed my attention. Friends that had made plans for me originally (which honestly I was probably going to use as an excuse to not get too focused) got changed. So today, I wrote.

I have been writing all day. I've even figured out a spot or two that has been bugging me that I have been blaming my hold up on.

Its nice in a way that I can't describe to you. Knowing that all these people I have can finally get moving on with their lives. They are no longer just sitting there wanting to be on paper, they are able to be out and be shared and live. I did something that I love all day long. This makes me happy.

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Surprise

The subtle warmth of your hand
The energy your soul produces
Eyes that I have seen countless times
Lips that have touched mine
Making movements to words
Seen many times before
A story I have heard before
The turn of a head
A stance so unlike any other's
All still bring butterflies
Still shock my heart
Bring my breath to a standstill
After all the time of familiarity
Your presence still surprises me

Almost seeing an accident can be just as scary as almost being in one

Last Wednesday I was in the car with my folks on our way down to Joplin for a funeral. We left early in the day, so it was daylight out and we were making good time. It was a pretty uneventful trip considering we took the 'back' highway. (Its not the same as it used to be, they widened it and construction is over so it is actually somewhat nice to drive on now...still not for me, but anyway..)

This all changed though a few miles outside of Pittsburgh, KS when we got on a one lane highway. A four door car got on the highway in front of us. This was a point in the trip where I couldn't focus so much on the book I had so I was just watching the road with my dad. The car then swerved a bit into the other lane. Then it did it again. Then again. My dad noticed it too so he backed off a bit more. The car then looked like it was going to be ok. I chauked it up to him doing something and that all was ok. I tried to start reading again.

Fifteen minutes later I had that same 'ugh' feeling about the book so I looked up at the road in front of us. The car that had been swerving was currently in the far left shoulder of the opposing traffic and swerving right to get back in our lane. "Wow! What the hell!" My dad of course noticed it too and backed off more.

A few seconds later we noticed cars in front of us and also cars coming in the Northbound lane coming our way. The car was swerving again. Speeding up. Slowing down. Swerving. Then WOOSH! It swerved into the oncoming traffic lane about 20feet before a car to pass one of the cars in our lane! The oncoming car moved onto the shoulder to avoid him.

Unfortunately for everyone, a lot of traffice seemed to show up on the highway in both directions. This car didn't seem to care though, he kept swerving in and out barely missing cars. After the second close call I actually picked up my cell phone to call the police on this asshat. I was shaking I was so freaked out that I was going to see people splattered on the highway.

By this time my dad was really trying to put some distance between us and the crazy guy. The county dept took the info, but I had no liscense plate number and no make of the car, just the color, but they were going to keep an eye out.

When we hit the town, we had caught up with him. He was still swerving in and out of his lane, generally again into oncoming traffice. I had his liscense now, but felt silly calling back. Decided if he did something crazy or made it through town I would call again. Thankfully about a mile before we hit open highway again a cop pulled up behind him, followed him a bit and then pulled him over. I hope that got him off the road.

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What's there?

Such small things
Unnoticed when walking by
Commonplace and normal
The backdrop or scenery
Turn into focus
Develop into meaning
Can become center stage
If you just open your eye

The easy road

People take the easy road. I can't blame them. Who wouldn't want the easy road. Its easy.

Sometimes though, you gotta face that the easy road is not always the right one.

My job is a prime example. I know I should have quit years ago. Each time though, just as I was at the point, they did something nice. Routine set in. It wasn't so bad anymore. Why would I want to leave? Patterns of misery mean nothing when, "oh look, things are OK now so why should I work at changing anything?" For years people who knew me wanted me to quit. I would say yeah, I will, but then time would pass. Sure things were shitty. Sure I was still some what miserable, but hey, this was here. This was working. Who knows what is beyond what I have now! I could be worse!

This year, the shit has hit the proverbial fan numerous times. Almost 2 1/2 months ago was the last straw. Insanity that I didn't deserve nor anyone should expect at a work place occurred. This place, as much as I support it because, well, I DO still work there, no longer has the loyalty it once did. I am done. In my heart I am somewhere, anywhere, else. I didn't put in my notice right away because I wanted an exit plan first. I needed something known first. I needed a support system. I am still there. I want out, but the easy way right now is to complain about how much I need to get out, and stay. This is neither the right or the best thing for me, it is simply the easy thing.

I see this with people everywhere. With jobs, relationships, school, family. We know really what is best. We know its gonna suck to change directions, to start over if need be, but yet, hey, I'm already on this road, why change? Things can get better. There is always that valley between the mountains that make it look so much easier...until we start up the next impossible incline.

That's why we take the easy road. We need people to get the hell of the easy road sometimes. I know I do. I have told friends to remind me if I become complacent about work. Why do I not want to stay there. I gave myself a deadline. Yeah, I have told myself there is an option of 'well, if things really do get better' then I can stay. I can only see one or two ways of that happening. I have that out because, well, its so much easier then making myself better and happy. Doing something that gives the biggest chance at happiness and bettering yourself would take effort.

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Empty?

Words they swirl
Thoughts dance in and out
Ideas haunt and leave
No force of will
Making them stay
Getting them down
Such a trick
In such a state of mind
Of nothing to hold
Emotions that stick
Remain so quiet
Not wanting to be revealed

That I need to have people over regularly, if only to keep my house clean

I'm not a 'messy' person mind you. I do have my OCD things. However, I let the little things slide. I am fully aware of this problem. I want to do it, but when I have no 'reason' to do it, I find I don't have time to do it.

For years I had a weekly/biweekly game night at my house. Generally very simple gathering of friends. Once in a while there might be food too. The important thing here is that I had a regular schedule you might say to cleaning my house. I would make sure things were straightened and put away, that everything got dusted. Having different people over and playing different games also inspired me to move the furniture around a lot more.

This year I haven't really had that many game nights. Think a few here and there, but not like I used to. I also see that I am letting the little things slide..and build. I didn't realize how much I looked forward to having that reason to deep clean or find homes for things. Hmm, maybe look forward isn't the phrase I am looking for, maybe we should leave it at needed. lol

I'm going to try it this weekend. I may fail horribly, but ya know, some games are best played with small numbers. Think it will help me get things done tomorrow though, so that's the plan. lol woot!

Well, its been a pretty exhausting day. I didn't really want to talk about the funeral and everything today. I really just want to sleep. I'm also hoping tomorrow gives me something to focus on and good friends to help me laugh. So I will end again with no poem. At least not one fully composed, so, yeah, you aren't getting one.

Hope all of your weeks are going better then mine.

Sometimes you can't hide it anymore

(Bare with me here folks, I am on a different type of key board and my fingers are still trying to find a rythm, this blog might have more issues than normal. Sorry.)

I went 'back home' today for Mary's wake. It seemed like it was all going smoothly. I couldn't focus at work and we were slow, so I went home early. I took my odd feeling as just getting things ready at my house for my friend who would be watching my son.

I was riding down to Jopin with my parents so I didn't have to worry about the issue of gas or driving. we hit the road. I had brought books, my iPod, my moleskine, and notes for my book. I was going to do things on the car ride down. All I could mangage though, was a few pages of reading here and there. I blamed my lack of focus on the book. I blamed my unease on my dad's driving.

We hit town sooner than I thought we would so we stopped by my sister's store. I wasn't really in the mood to look around, but my parents were. So I just wandered up and down the aisles. I just took this as me being tired.

We got to her house a bit later and then my brother came over. It was like a weird family reunion. Not very often we are all together unless its a holiday...or a funeral I guess. We had an hour or so before the wake and everyone wanted to go get food. I wasn't that hungry, but I knocked that up to having an ok lunch and it being 'early' for me for dinner.

Then we got to the funeral home. I was ok. Talking to my brother as we walked in. Then I saw my childhood friend. Then I saw the people. I grew silent. I was still 'ok' but something felt weird. Signed my name and then went in and saw Liz, Mary's daughter. We hugged, and it was like nothing had changed over the years..except I was taller. lol Then I saw Tom, Mary's youngest. He got up and hugged me. Like with Liz, I was introduced to those around him as his other sister. The fact of how close our families were and made us like a second family.

Then I turned towards the front of the room where Mary was laying. No one else was up there, so I went to say my goodbye. I have done this part before. I have said goodbye to family and friends. I didn't know that seeing her there. Seeing it finally there like that, would hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew then why everything was so off all week. This was much more then I wanted to admit. I sat there saying sorry for not coming more. Sorry for not saying goodbye. Just sorry. That she had meant so much to me and was such a huge part of my growing up. That she was that second mom to me. I was crying. I got up and walked to the side for a tissue. Looked up and saw her family. Saw Liz who was barely hanging on, so I walked out the side door. And then I lost it. Completely.

I was glad no one was in that hallway. I was trying so hard to keep it in, but there it was, pouring out of me finally. I ended up balled over trying to control the spasms passing through me. I don't lose control like this. At least, I never had before. I got control and walked the far way from the door trying to get some composure. By that time they were about ready to start the rosary so I went and found my seat next to my brother. I sat there with, what I hope, was a vacant expression. One of my old classmate's mother was sitting in front of us and she started talking to me. Thankfully my brother and another old family friend held most of the conversation so I could just sit there and nod.

Then her family walked in for the rosary. The tears started again. I couldn't stop them. I tried. But as soon as one was wiped away, the another replaced it. I tried to lose myself in the repeating litany of the prayers, but I could barely utter them. Total suck. So finally I just took off my glasses and sat and listened.

After the prayers they started a short slide show of Mary's life over her coffin. One of the pictures was from one of our Sunday dinners/game days. My dad was in one corner, I was in the other, Mary was in the middle with Charlie, Liz and Tom. It hit me once again.

It was all gone. That would never happen again. My childhood was gone and those that were key players in it were gone as well.

Then I finally went and talked to Charlie. He was the one that was in my class. Even though I totally lost touch with him, he didn't bat an eye when introducing me as a sister. And honestly, like with others, that old bond was still there. There was no awkwardness in giving any of them hugs. It made it hard though to look in his eyes as he watched the slides start to repeat again.

A woman who I had spent so much time with. That I had known for 28 years, but had lost a bit of touch with the past few. She was gone. I lost my second mom. A woman I kind of took for granted always being there. I forgot how important that family was to me, and this all brings it back. I miss them. I missed it all when I moved away. I was hoping everything in this town was like in some special 'status' chamber, but I know that doesn't happen. Everyone grows up and changes. Memories are what we have.

My sister and I talked a bit tonight about how, well, we feel selfish when someone dies. We aren't mad they died. We think sometimes they are lucky. But we think of how we are still here and now we have to deal with life without them. It effects us now. They are free of the worldly confines. We are still here...and we miss them.

My poetry tonight is simple silence. (Ok, so I hear my dad sawing logs downstairs, but silence otherwise.) Just a simple poem of our lives, and how memories and people weave them in and out.

Spiders are weird

So I have already shared my theory on spiders and what happens if I see them in my house. I think I did neglect to say that if they are somewhere that NO bug should be, the deal is off and they die.

Saturday when I woke up I decided to make bacon and eggs for me and the boy. Got everything ready and decided to use the back burner for the bacon while I worked on the eggs. Well, apparently I don't use my tea kettle nearly enough because when I moved it a spider was there. And yes, it was a Brown Recluse. An honest to God Brown Recluse. Anyway, so I yell to my son to grab me something to kill it (because I don't want to let it out of my sight). He brings me something, but it wasn't the right size because when I went in for the kill it got a way...multiple times. I saw it scurry behind my microwave.

"Shit!!" I moved the microwave around a bit, but didn't want to actually be holding the microwave when the spider charged me, so I went back to cooking, believing the spider had learned a VERY valuable lesson and would thus leave the kitchen.

I went about my business, cut up some onion, green peppers and red peppers. Put them in the skillet to saute them before I mixed them with the egg. All is well, the smell of the peppers cooking starts to waft up, and then I look over at the bacon. The flipping spider was staring back!!

Maybe the spider liked bacon, I don't know, but there it was. Just at the edge of the stove, watching all that was going on! Totally freaked me out. I moved back and forth, and there it sat. I finally just grabbed something small and went in for the kill. I guess it was too mesmerized by the bacon smell, because it didn't move at all. It didn't try to get away when I moved the large skillet out of my way. It just let me kill it.

So weird all the way around. Damn things.

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Full Canvas

So many ideas fill all that is there
So many images flood the area
All the fringes of the mind
All scrambling for center stage
So much to be done
So much to be said
That before it is even begun
That before there is a chance to see
The canvas is already full
But the canvas can never be started

Death trumps all

Originally I was going to start this month off by talking about the great Halloween I had down with my sister in Joplin, MO. Now, however, I am going to leave that for another night because I want to get this out first. Writing has always helped me to sort through things (not that everyone appreciated me doing so...) and I really need to do that now. This is a little about letting go, a little about regret, a little about urban families, and a little about friends.

My parents are from Jersey City, NJ. My siblings were all born in Jersey City, NJ. All my aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents lived in the Jersey area. Then my dad started working for a restaurant and he got transferred. With every promotion another move. Generally they would be someplace for maybe 6 months. After I was born we moved another 4 or 5 times. Then we moved to Joplin. My dad was going to be the one who opened the store that was being built, and he told them he wanted to stay in one place for a while. I was three.

Needless to say, we were a world apart now from the relatives on the East coast. Work schedule and 4 kids didn't allow many trips back. So holidays were our own, by ourselves or church people. Enter my kindergarten year and its like the planets aligned for things to work out. My mom was taking an exercise class with mom who's boy happened to be in my class in the morning who I was friends with. Her eldest son was my oldest sister's age, her daughter was my brothers. There was a younger son for her and my middle sister, but that doesn't quite fit as nicely in the story. The woman's name was Mary, and her family was up in Montana, so she was 'alone' in Mo too. This is where it starts folks.

From that year on, my family and her family were close. Every weekend we would get together on Sunday and play games, watch movies, and share a meal. EVERY SUNDAY. They were our extended family on holidays. She was the one who would take me in when my parents would leave town. We stood there with her when her oldest son was killed and if felt like part of my family was missing. They were a second family and I didn't know it. She was a second mom. Up until we moved from Joplin 'for good' in '92, we all knew everything about each other. When we would go back to visit my sisters or brother who still lived in town, we would go visit her.

Time changes everything. We get wrapped up in who is around us, and at times forget who was there before. I know I did. I would visit every once in a while when I would go down, but I think I tried to leave her as she was when I was still in school. When I heard how ill she had become, I was annoyed that I hadn't known sooner. I was torn between seeing her and not seeing her. I already have such a problem with mortality and saying goodbye in any capacity. So each weekend I would put it off or I was busy and then I worked every Saturday and couldn't possibly then right? (Lest you all forget I deal with things by avoidance if I can.)

Saturday, I had considered dropping by and seeing her and then going on to my sister's, but just figured it would be a hassle, I was in a hurry, and I could visit her some other time. Yet, as I was outside having fun and hanging out with friends and family, she breathed her last. She was with one of her sons and her daughter at the time (which I am glad for).

Mary was a great woman. A strong woman who lost her first husband and divorced her second and raised 4 kids on her own. She was a smart woman who worked at the university. She was a woman who gave a damn about other people. She volunteered with the Search and Rescue with her dog. She didn't like flowers (and as such has requested any money that might have been spent on flowers be donated the the Search & Rescue organization.) She liked ducks. lol She was an intricate part of my childhood and growing up, and so another part of my childhood has died with her.

I'm not good at goodbyes. I never have been. I have too strong of memories of people that enter my life to welcome them. My hope is that after the funeral I will be able to pretend that she is still there, on her new house on Kentucky with her dog. Right now though, its various waves of pain and regret. I say I welcome distractions from friends, and at times its true, but I think I just want someone to sit with me or go for a walk, because I can't really handle anymore.

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Ducks in a row

The end can be seen
Its not so far away
The truth no longer hidden
All know what to say
Its all undeniable
Like the shining sun
The chance to end it
Like you want to though
Is there for you to take
You still get to make choices
Before the big one
Gets taken away
Plans for every detail
Are gathered and discussed
Like the ones forever
On your mantel
The ducks are in a row

Rest in peace Mary Davis, you will be missed and you were loved.

Don't want to fail before I begin

So, I have some blogs saved up because I was going to write a blog a day for the month of November. Although this weekend was overall pretty good, I had to deal with the death of someone I cared very much about. My plan was to get home and crawl into bed, but then I remembered this. And that it is November 1st. I want to write a poem as well, but honestly, my heart isn't in it. So we shall leave this as a short post and a post to say, here's to hoping I stay on track with everything this month. We'll see how that goes.

drama, oh drama

To say this week didn't have its share of drama would be a sad understatement. There, that is actknowledged.

Everyone has those things that bug them. Everyone has that moment where 'son of a bitch I have had enough'. Everyone has those things, that for reasons completely illogical to anyone else, either makes them mad, cry or crazy. Everyone. I would love to say that we should all just not have any drama in our lives but..really? Who would I be kidding? That would never happen.

Not just due to the simple real fact that we are all human. We all have things we mess up on. We all have different opinions. We all have things we wish others hadn't seen, read, heard, or believed. Believe me, these things are just as valid as then next thing I will mention, but I don't think its all of it. Because honestly, we could, in the right frame of mind, ignore most, if not all of this. Think of how much of that you do everyday. We learn to get along with others.

We all need some drama though. All of us.

Think of how boring and mundane your life would be if nothing ever happened to you or those you knew. Sure there are other things to talk about, but not talking about how you feel about things makes you no different then A, B, C, D, etc. We as people need some 'drama' in our lives.

Some more than others.

This does not make all drama right or wanted. Seriously, some people can't let go while others can't avoid. We will all fall to one side or another every once in a while, we are human! However, there are those that are always in the midst. There is always something going on. There is always some broken glass to walk on around them. I am sure, when you read that, you pictured someone in your mind. (I could hope its not me, but who knows, you may think I am a drama queen. Its your right to I suppose. ) These are the people I am working in my life to distance myself from. Its the crazy drama, the un-needed drama.

There is a girl I work with. She needs drama. She creates major drama when there is nothing else. Either makes it up or makes horrid choices to create it. I've know her for a few years now and I used to talk to her all the time. She would come to me with this outlandish 'made for TV' type of senirio and ask for advice. No matter what anyone said, she always took the opposite road of what was suggested. It made for more drama.

About 11 months ago, we had agreed for her to do me a favor and watch my son so I could meet someone. Around 6pm that night, she started texting me with craziness. Random thing she made up in her mind. After a bit I even started just letting her have her way, but she didn't stop. Over and over and over. Needless to say I never got to go out that night and well, I think some things in my life might be a bit different. Needless to say, I saw in that moment that she was a drama needer. Yeah, I made up that title. She needed it. She had to create some and then she had to keep it going. (I had stopped texting her by 8, she continued till round 1am...and then kept it going all weekend bringing other people into it.) I don't need drama needers in my life. I stopped talking to her that week, and haven't looked back. I will answer her queries and be poliet, but that is where it stops. I don't need someone's need for drama effecting my life.

I see her trials of drama every few weeks. Its always something more outlandish or stupid. Its attention and something to talk about...and its stupid. Yeah, I believe that we all need a wee bit of drama in our lives, but you should be able to talk about something else.

Small drama I can deal with. Big, effect my life 'for real' basis though, no. I have no need for it. I have no need for someone dragging me into drama every other day or even saying I am bringing drama. (There are some things that will always stay with you, that no matter what you want, that issue will be on your mind...I don't consider that drama.) Everyone has their bad days, everyone needs to be able to express how they feel, I understand and allow it, I need to be allowed mine too.

On that note, I am done with big drama. It was a weird week. Unhappiness at the beginning that by Tuesday, I had internalized and moved on from. From there others rumors spread and more things were said at work and with friends. Its like a big ball of unhappiness in my stomache. I don't like anyone being unhappy. (Well, currently there are two people in the world I wish any unhappiness towards and 99% chance they are not reading this blog.) I want to forget a lot of what I heard this week, I probably can't, but I am going to try, because being angry and hurt about it doesn't help me...and that is just more drama for me to deal with. (I don't deny some people the right to be hurt. Omg no, you do.) Really though, I am seeing all the adults around me acting like JrH people. Stop. Please. Grow up and lets all move on ok? ...and yes, I fully acknowledge that at times I like to water the drama tree, but I try to keep it short and 'sweet'.

On to an awesome weekend! I know we can do it!!!


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The Heart Can Do It Better

The camera doesn't remember
The picture perfectly
The eye can do it better
The mind doesn't remember
The casual conversation
The heart can do it better

That one day I will finish it

So I have been trying something different. Instead of just trying to remember what I want to blog about and rush through it, I have a few blogs started with notes in them. I have been working on one for almost a month. Is it that good? NO. I just can't seem to finish it. lol Oddly enough its about schedules and how I function. Ok, well I find it funny.

Anyway, I worked on it for a while tonight, but I fizzled out on it again, so I am giving you all this one. This blog telling you that I have a few other blogs started. Woo hoo isn't that exciting?!

No? Yeah, I don't think so either, but I am trying to share once a day. lol Hope your Wednesdays work out great for you.

By the by, my plan (you know, the one I said I was working on to see if daily emotional pain can eventually be dulled?) is still in effect. I am not doing it every day, but just about. I think in some ways it does help....but some days it just isn't good at all. So, the jury is still out on it.

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Quiet Signals

It doesn't need to be seen
It doesn't need to be heard
No need to see what it could mean
No cry out has to be given
The answer is in your heart
The answer is in your energy
When you need it we'll be around
When you need us you won't have to look