What Caroline's been thinking...

I have no idea where this is going to go. Fair warning.

2012-02-01T01:48:00.001-06:00

I'm stressed. There is only one part of my life that isn't really stressing me out, and oddly enough, that would be work. Everything else...AHHHH!
I guess most of this wouldn't be so bad if I could have talked it out with people, or with my friend. But those things aren't happening and don't look like it'll be that way again. Which also leads to more stress. I used to releave some stress by writing, but I haven't really done much of that either. So whether or not things really are in the shitter or I just feel that way, idk. It probably is the latter. I've dealt with so much worse, so all this...it shouldn't be keeping me up right now.
But it is.
I was so excited to get a working car the other week (still don't have it) because, not just for freedom to go where I choose, but because then I'll get to go visit my friends that I don't get to see much of anymore. This gets me in the cycle of, do they really want to be my friend if they don't want to put in an effort to see me? Yeah, I'm without a car at the moment, and have been for a while, but I haven't bugged anyone every week for a ride. One friend, ONE friend always offers to get me and makes an effort. Otherwise, I don't see anyone until I borrow a car and go to them. And yeah, maybe its not as serious as all that, but it sure as hell feels that way. So I get this car, drive to people and what? They will then want to see me? I guess I'm just sensitive already, and just people I care about keep fucking moving away. Good people. I can handle changes, but loss, loss I suck at. I swear, I feel like everytime I blink, someone else is gone. And I don't want to lose anymore. But maybe, maybe I just need to embrace it. Move somewhere. No, no idea where. But, why not? Then this house will be empty and maybe it could be the 4th home I've lived in to be destroyed after I go. Seriously, 2 by tornadoes. What the Fuck.
I just feel like I need to get shit out, but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But I'm killing myself this way. I just miss my friends...or blogging. Guess I'll see which one pans out.

The good news, bad news and frustrating news all in one

2011-08-31T18:19:00.001-05:00

Got a letter in the mail today with my results...of everything. I apparently am the picture of health and have nothing, that the doctor can tell, wrong with me. Blood, sugar levels, cholesterol,all good.

This makes me happy in that my fears that I'd jacked up my sugar levels, or my thyroid was messed up are gone. But it doesn't solve why my side hurts all the damn time or why, despite activities, I am gaining weight & am so lethargic.

The pain isn't imaginary, SOMETHING is causing it. It's too regular/always present not to be. I can't ignore something that is causes me enough pain that I can't talk or breath comfortably. If it was, I wouldn't have made my SECOND trip to the doctor about it. So now I have to wonder if I should go to a different doctor or what. It obviously isn't going to go away. It's been almost a full year now.

So I guess I have two more options, but thinking one of them will cost me. Chiropractor and Alternative Medicine Dr.

Amazing how this news has everything all at once, because now I have no plan of real action to solve this. :(

Woot the doctor's

2011-08-26T19:54:00.001-05:00

So, I went to the doctor's this morning. I called yesterday because I was still having a pain in my side, and in my opinion, more importantly, this year I've felt completely lethargic. If you've seen me, you wouldn't think I've been working out or watching what I eat, but I have. I just keep gaining weight. This all is not ok with me. One medical thing (migraines) is enough.

So he took some xrays (finally) and took my blood. Now to see. I was quite honest with him about everything. To be honest with all of you I'm not sure if I want something to be found or not. I'd like to think there is some other reason I am becoming the size of a balloon, but don't relish the thought of actually having something wrong either.
Guess I'll know in a week or so.

It's a loop d' loop

2011-07-02T10:26:00.001-05:00

So, as many know, or may not know, my car Midnight died a few months ago. No, she can't be fixed short of a new engine. The cost of a new engine & install would be the cost of a car itself. Besides, she had other issues that a new engine wouldn't fix.

I, like many foolish people, have student loans & medical bills and what not. I am not going to get a good rate for a car loan. Nor do I want the $200+ payment associated with a new car. I simply want something that can get me from a to b and if I could actually leave town in it, all the better.

Here's the loop d loop: I need extra cash for a car. For that extra cash I need an extra job, but to get an extra job, I need a car. Getting to my regular job is going to become an issue by the end of the month as it is.

So, there is my issue. Due to my "special" location in town, public transportation is actually not an option...nor is walking really.

So I am feeling like Bill & Ted at the beginning of their Excellent Adventure, and need a time machine so I can go back (or forward) to get this even out. lol Anyone have that laying around?

It shouldn't bother me.

2011-05-23T15:02:00.001-05:00

At least it shouldn't bother me this much. My hometown of Joplin Mo was hit hard by a tornado. I worried like crazy yesterday when I couldn't reach my sister who lives there still. I know she's ok now. I'm still worrying about another close family friend. Otherwise, sounds like my friends and family there were uber lucky and even if their homes and belongings aren't ok, they are. I am unbelievably thankful for this. Knowing/hearing how many weren't so lucky....my God.
So one would think I could stop feeling so horrible. I can't though. I think its because that is my childhood. Joplin is my memories. Some shity ones sure, but some Damn good ones too. It was my place of so many firsts. To think those things are gone. Gone. I don't know, it seems too surreal.
I saw a picture of the church and grade school I went to, completely gone except for the cross. How to I reconcile that in my mind?!
There have been no photos of my old house. The one I lived in when we were all together. The one I hand painted one summer. The home I go to in my dreams. By all accounts though, its gone. The old Victorian house, that was now 101 years old, gone.
I scramble for memories, for pictures, for names. I can't be there. I would be in the way and of no help. I am helpless. I can't see my childhood in turmoil. I have to make myself believe the pictures. I have to make myself believe that my sister and her family are ok.
I should be relieved now. Saddened by the devastation, but not to the point that I am right? After all, my family is ok and it was only my past, a past I wasn't going back to, that is personally gone.
So many prayers are being said for everyone down there. Unless you'd been there and seen it with all the trees, you can't really see how bad it really is. :(

Cycling back

2011-05-19T20:21:00.003-05:00

I know, I talk about this a LOT. It just seems to happen. I see a cycle coming up and I didn't notice this one the last few times. It's the 'alone' cycle. Not the "poor me I feel alone and no one likes me" alone cycle, but the "I seem to be spending more time on me, and writing, and working out, and getting shit done while everyone else is going out" alone cycle.

It's a weird cycle. I fight it going into it. I think not having a car for a few weeks and knowing I won't have a car for long now, kind of kick started it. Kept me love of friends and all, but forced me to do things at home.

Oh hell, I don't know how to describe this to you all. Especially without someone going and misinterpreting what I say. lol But, I feel this new settling in with people. Not new, as in new people, but new as in I have taken on a different roll in people's lives and people have taken a different roll in mine....and this is all ok. It's obviously part of the cycle and thus, it is the way it is supposed to be.

I know that I have gotten things written the past few weeks. I seem to have misplaced my inspiration, but inspiration can come in many forms, and like the times before, it will present itself when it is ready. I miss my favorite place to go and write, but I am sure I can find another, if not, at least I know most of the places downtown will be a bit slower next week with college out of session.

Cycles. woot Let the cycle of creativity and Caroline begin!!!! ...or something like that. :)

I'm ....well....

2011-05-18T13:53:00.004-05:00

{I debated on if I should post this, and I debated where I would post it. I went back and forth. A struggle is a struggle and I guess, my idea that getting this out there will force me to not only stay on track, but maybe, just maybe go see someone if this doesn't get better. (That someone being a doctor, not for some surgery, I am not that bad, but maybe I'm sick.)}

I'm fat. I'm not saying 'overweight' because I don't *feel* overweight. I feel fat. At this day, at this time, I am. I feel it. I see it. I'm not really sure what is going on. I wasn't eating crazy. I was still working out and running, but I've gained. This upsets me for lots of reasons. It's depressing and yet, the other day I thought of it like this....

I've been battling this for years. I win for a year or so, then I lose horribly. Here's the thing though, it's only been the past 12 years.

Growing up I certainly didn't think I was skinny. As the tallest girl, I was generally bigger than everyone else by default. My best friend was like a foot shorter than me starting in 3rd grade. So I always thought I was huge. I wasn't though. I wasn't even "plump" in any way. I was normal. A good size for a girl my height - just not anorexic thin.

I was like this until my son was born - and yes, I still believed I was huge. Oddly enough I wasn't...until I gave into that and actually became what I perceived.

So I am thinking of it this way. I have been in shape and 'not fat' more years than the other. There is no reason to give up. My body will just have to cave on these battles.

What's wrong with me (you)?

2011-05-12T01:26:00.000-05:00

Friends are great. When we are feeling down, they are there for us. If we say we are ugly, they say no, you could be a model. When we have a bad hair day, they tell us they envy it. If we feel fat, they tell us we are just fine. If we feel like complete morons, they tell us we are lovable. That we are smart. We are capable. We can do anything. Friends are great about that.

There are times though, when it feels like there is no amount of complimenting someone can do. When you see something not going right in your life. That seems to be when you cry into the cosmos, "What's wrong with me!"

I was having a conversation with a friend tonight. We were talking about dating and about dating people that are either 'not quite right' or not for us. (My wording) When they were on one of these dates, they got the feeling that the person was asking them what was wrong with them. Why didn't they want to date them? Excuse the blurriness of this next part, because I can't remember if the person actually asked or not, but my friend proceeded to tell me why this person was undate-able.

This was both hilarious (because it wasn't me) and interesting. Why? Because, we've all wondered.

I'm single. I know I am a picky picky picky person when it comes to dating, but, I don't know, sometimes I feel like something is wrong with me. Why don't the people I want to date, want to date me too? Maybe it's the way I learn, but sometimes I have to be told the answers so I can work on them and remember them. Like a test in High School. If I did poorly a test, I had to know all the things I did wrong, and the next time, 100%. So wouldn't it be nice, if once in a while, someone *did* let you know?

The other side of that coin of course is SOMEONE WOULD LET ME KNOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!

If any of you are like me, you have things about yourself you don't like. These might be the things you blame things on. I couldn't tell you if it would be better or worse to have those fears verified, or heaven forbid, flaws you never even knew about told to you.

So, I guess that is why we don't tell people what is wrong with them. Instead, we all just wonder what our flaws are. Why we aren't good enough for this person or what have you. Why does friend A not want to be friends with me, they are friends with friend C. These might be questions best not answered.

....I'd still like to know though. lol

We all have our stories

2011-05-11T19:47:00.000-05:00

We all have our stories. Those stories we've told over and over that, despite certain facts missing, or things altered a bit, have become fact. A story, that even if someone was there with you, you've told it your way so many times, it's now the truth. No question. New people come into our lives to tell the story to and 'impress'. Even we forget that we've changed it...if we ever noticed in the first place.

I have a friend that always tells this story about a business. How they hate them with a blinding passion. The story they tell is one that states they have only gone here twice and it was such a horrible experience all around, that they will never go back and they never have. Thing is, while I was clearing my voice mail (something I rarely do, and thus the thing is full all the time) of a few messages (because I only do a few at a time, can't clear the whole thing!) and there was a message from this friend, telling me they were driving home after grabbing food at this establishment. Oddly, there are two messages with similar tales (both gone now from voice mail lol). I heard those messages. I remember getting them, yet when this person tells the story of righteous anger and boycott, I believe with faith that they are telling the truth. This person has never gone except for the times described in their story. It's their story. They like to tell it.

Who am I to call bs on it? It's not going to hurt anyone in anyway, so I will not mention it (well, except in this blog lol).

I know I have those stories too. I don't realize the fact here and there that I leave out of a story that makes the story 1) not as interesting and 2) might make me look bad/stupid/mean. No, I am not going to give any examples, and not for the reason you might be thinking. I would be all about showing you how I have altered my own history when I talk to people, but honestly, I don't think of them until someone mentions something.

I know I was talking to someone the other day about working in the pizza places years ago. They, oddly enough, worked for the same chain in another state. We were talking about our experiences, and I shit you not, she mentioned something (no, still can't remember) and I started laughing because I had totally forgotten about it and how it effected me. I remember telling her the story, because she would understand it, but I also remember thinking, "You know, none of my current friends would probably understand this...and God only knows how they would take it." So I am pretty sure that is why my mind filed it away in the 'stories you are going to tell differently'.

We can all alter our history. New people give us a chance to be a better person then we were. We made the right choice that day. We ignored the comments that other day. We are *amazing*. I don't blame anyone for it either...unless, like I think I alluded to, it is actually detrimental (you killed someone, you left out you had a family, you are running from the law...).

We all have our stories.

....lol any you can think of you'd care to share?

You're not supposed to care

2011-05-10T23:34:00.002-05:00

"Don't look over here!" First thing you do is look. It's like the natural instinct is to find out why for ourselves...or just be defiant. I think the same thing happens when someone, or even yourself, tells you aren't supposed to care about something. Aren't supposed to think about something. It becomes an almost focus. You think about how you shouldn't think about it. Which leads you to realize you are thinking about it, and thus, that you shouldn't think about it. Its a fun little spiral that the universe has popped into our brains. I'm not entirely sure what that point of this evolutionary trait is/was good for.

I do know though, when you are not supposed to care about something, you usually do.

Perceptions

2011-05-10T00:50:00.002-05:00

Perception is such a funny thing. I think it ranks up there with interpretation. I understand, that in some cases, those two words are interchangeable with no issues. I'm not thinking about how I might take something someone has written and what it means. I am talking about how people interact and how that makes people feel. What they see. What I see. Individual perception of events.

This all goes along with my belief that nothing is ever caused by just one thing, that there are many reasons for everything most of the time.

There is a saying that goes somewhat like 'the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results'. This core plays with each of our perceptions of what is happening to us. What a situation means.

For me, if I try talking to someone a few times with no response, I can take that to mean a few things. The person is busy and will get back to me. The person never got any of my messages. The person doesn't really want to talk to me. The person doesn't want to talk to me because I have wronged them in some way. My perception over time has changed on this, because a few years ago, I would have simply chalked it up to the person hating me and not wanting to talk to me because I was annoying. For others, this wouldn't even register for a second thought. Perception.

Perception plays a role in how we interact with others, what we think a situation means for us. I can be very shy, to the point of seeming, well, like either I don't know how to talk, I have nothing to day, or I am a bitch who won't talk to you. Depending, of course, on how you have interacted with people in your life, will give you that perception of me that makes since. It doesn't matter that I am simply shy and, yeah, when I get there my mind goes blank and I have nothing to say. lol I can see this in how people treat me and if they keep giving me chances. Knowing this of myself, I am generally more likely to perceive someone as shy and quiet the first time (unless faces are made, and then, well... lol)

What might seem like a simple conversation to one person, can be perceived by the other as something so much more. I have a friend that tells me about her relationship sometimes, and I often hear the words of 'I was tired and I was just saying what I was thinking and he perceived it as me being mean or uncaring.' Why? Well, it often stems from his past experience.

Perception is a funny thing only because the same thing can look so different to two people involved. Its a date or its just hanging out. Its a slight, its just a long day. It's being lazy or it's being terrified to lose. It's not being involved or being afraid to and not knowing what to do.

We all hold our own perception of the world. What works for us. What makes sense.

The clocks are a tickin'

2011-04-27T21:29:00.002-05:00

I'm sitting here wanting to leave my house. Go anywhere. Eat something that is not in my house. Do something. See my friends. Drive. I can't though. Broken car equals home time. So I am sitting here on the couch...and I hear the clocks ticking. I don't like ticking clocks. I have only two. They are wall clocks. They are currently the loudest things EVER. All I can think of while I listen to them is how each second I get farther and farther away from doing what I want to do this month.

Last week I had a good run. Good solid four miles at a decent pace (for me). My heel hurt really bad after, so I took that Wednesday off. Which, had I known my car would break Thursday, I wouldn't have. I can't get to the trails without my car. I can't get to the gym without my car. So, I am wallowing in 'wah-ness'. Mainly because there is a race June 4th. I wanted to do it. It would have been my first. I was terrified. I figured however, if I kept up the pace of my running and pushed a bit harder, that I would be able to do it. No problem.

Now I am sitting here. Mopey. Not doing anything. I have taken a nap almost every day this week. WHAT THE HELL. I 'talk' about taking naps, I don't actually do it! I have lost all will to do shit and I am not even in a bad mood! (You have no idea how many times I almost gave up on this post.)

I worked at making something 'not' my inspiration. I think that was a bad idea. I think I need to get that back....even if it has its downfall as well.

Its blank

2011-04-26T23:52:00.003-05:00

There have been moments the past few weeks in which I had a good blog post. I had somethings to share. I even had a new blog planned out. It keeps slipping away as soon as I go to write it out though.

I think about my book. How I want to finish it. I want to work on it. I want the story to finish unfolding. I want someone else to get to know those characters. I can't seem to open the file though. The two clicks it would take seem so hard.

I miss my poetry. I want to write something. I feel so uninspired though. Or inspired...but empty.

I can't seem to write anymore. I don't know what happened. I love writing. My ability to share the world though words though seems to be failing me. I am able to tweet or reblog, but not create.

That might be killing me most of all.

My ex

2011-04-23T02:40:00.002-05:00

I used to be a very trusting soul. I mean, I trusted everything. When someone would tell me something, I didn't really doubt it. I trusted. Then my ex happened. After years of trusting only to be shown that I shouldn't have, I finally starting distrusting.

It took a few years to get rid of the initial mistrust. Years.

So now I am just, generally, good at spotting liars. Whether half truths, or to yourself. I tend to spot it. I also tend to try and doubt it a bit, because I know, at times, I am more untrusting then I'd like.

I especially don't like this when I am show, point blank the truth of something, yet the lie remains. Or if I end up finding out the truth later on. These are kind of painful for me because they are so like that horrid relationship.

I can't expect anyone to understand. You weren't there. You didn't see the array of un-truth I faced for well over 3 years.

I can tell you however, that honestly, I can't stand it. I hate it when people lie to me. Especially about the little stuff.

I hurts.

Longest Weekend Ever

2011-04-11T00:04:00.002-05:00

Generally after a long work week, the weekend seems to be sucked into time warp, speeding everything up. Sleeping in doesn't seem to count as much, the afternoons go so quickly you can't do one thing before the evenings activities. So enjoyable, so much to do, and over way to quickly.

I often find myself wondering where the weekend went as I head to bed on Sunday night. Not this weekend. This time, saying the longest weekend ever is an awesome thing. It's not sarcasm about how horrible something was and I had to endure it. It was just a very nice weekend where time decided to slow down instead of speed up.

I won't go into a play by play of each day. Each day however, felt like a full weekend. I almost didn't believe it yesterday when I finally went to sleep that it was only Saturday. It was a nice full, relaxing, beautiful and long weekend. I hope I have another soon.

Why I walk

2011-04-08T16:55:00.003-05:00

Ever since I can remember, my dad helped with the Jerry Lewis Labor Day telethon for MS. I know the first few times, I didn't understand what was going on. Just that my dad was gone even more then usual. As I got older I began to understand that this was just another form of giving back that my Dad did. I enjoyed helping. I played the cute kid card and looked for donations. I remember the first year I called in too.

One of my good friends from grade school through jr high had adoptive parents. And we never talked about it, but her mom had MS. Bad. I only remember her as being in a wheelchair. Her mom never let it hold my friend back though, and life when on. So it was never really personal for me. I could see it in front of me, but I was still to young to understand. I would later help on committees for fundraising and what not, but it was a once a year thing, and then I would forget about it until next year.

Last year I was asked if I wanted to join a team of people walking in a MS Walk. I knew a bunch of people and I thought it would be fun. I also learned that the one organizing our group was one of my fraternity sisters. She had been diagnosed with MS. It seemed a bit surreal to me. She looked well at the walk and I had seen her numerous times since. It was something that I could do.

I signed up to walk again this year. I was thinking ahead of trying to go the longer distance. I was thinking of making a goal in donations. I wasn't really thinking why. Then one night when I walked into my favorite bar, she was there with some of my friends.

It was her birthday.

She was quiet and sick and looked almost miserable.

The MS was attacking, which it does, it can go in waves apparently. I was seeing her trying to fight. She had a bag next to her with medication that was going into her arm.

This was a girl who I had gone to parties with. That had driven my drunk as home. Who had two children. This was a girl who I had missed seeing these bad times.

I have two legs, and at times, I like to be lazy. For others though, there isn't a choice and they don't know when it will hit or get worse. So much more needs to be learned. So I will walk for her. I will walk in memory of my friends mom who died right after she graduated HS. I will walk for all the kids I see each year on the telethon that people can ignore now, because there are 100's of channels to switch to.

I will walk because I can.

I sent a letter out to friends and family this week asking for their support, I'll post it up here too. There is no guilt in not donating, please don't think that. Just keep everyone effected by MS, the families and all, in your thoughts. Thanks.

I will be walking in the Lawrence MS Walk again this year on April 30th. I will be walking with a team from the Sandbar, but we are walking in support of one of my AOII sisters who was diagnosed with MS a few years ago.

I am trying to reach a goal of $250 this year in donations. I am hoping that all the little bits from everyone everywhere, it can help find a cure and that it can support the MS Society in supporting the families and those with MS and further their research.

If you are able to donate, it would be greatly appreciated. A link to my donation page should appear.

Thank you,

Caroline

Lawrence MS Walk 2011

Words are hard

2011-04-08T12:40:00.002-05:00

There are many words that when put together with other words, are hard to say. Words that we have such a hard time saying. This can be due to past experiences, fear, or stubbornness. There are words that seem to allude our conversations, because we have pushed them so far back there, that it doesn't feel right to even say them anymore. I know what mine are.

For many these words are "I love you," that isn't so much a problem for me. I can say that. I love all my friends (ok, most of them :P). I say it routinely and freely to most of them. I do have one (or two) friends I just won't ever say it to, however. I know that they would take it the wrong way and then things would be weird, and who wants weird?!

For many these words are "I'm sorry." lol Well, I have gotten used to saying that. So much, that at times I think people don't believe me. "I'm sorry" means different things at different times to me, but I am way to empathetic, so in some form, I usually am sorry - that you are going through that, that I hurt you, etc. However, I know that when I've been fighting tooth & nail and then find out that I was wrong, I think that might be the hardest for me to say I'm sorry. ....but I don't think I am alone in that one. lol

For some these words are "I forgive you." That used to never be a problem for me. It's how I was raised. Forgiveness is a big thing. It's hard, but it does no good to harbor constant anger. So I forgive, and I used to tell people when/if they apologized. I'm not so good anymore. I still forgive (and please, don't take forgive as equaling forget) but its not as easy, and I generally don't say it anymore. I was burned way too often by that. It's easy to look like a doormat to people when you forgive them for treating you like crap too many times.

For some these words are "I need help." These are the words for me. I never really thought about it until a friend pointed out that I never actually ask for help. I kind of put it out there that I may need it, but I never ask. Or I rarely ask. It's totally true though. As my own self diagnoser, I can tell you why too. Help's fallen through so much for me. Now, this part may sound bitchy, but honestly, it's not meant to be.

I believe in the golden rule, and if I help you, you'll help me and vise-versa. So part of me thinks I shouldn't have to point blank ask. If you see me struggling, well of COURSE I need help. If I always help you with 'a', I believe that when I need help with 'a' you'll be there for me too. (And honestly, the past few years, out of some seeded spite which I am not proud of, I have stopped volunteering my help without being asked, and for some, I will just flat out say no to now.)

The other reason I don't ask is this: If I don't ask you to help, and you don't help, I don't have to be upset with you when you don't help. If I ask for help, and no one is there for me, then I get upset, because, well, what the hell? This happens. When I actually ask for help (which means I know I need it) I get turned down, or it's ignored, or they say they'll help and then never show. It's painful really. Me asking for help is me throwing myself out there, strange as that sounds. It's a way to reject me I guess. That I am not important enough to help. I don't know, it sounds weird typing it out, but well, there it is. This is *my* take on it. I know this is not what it really means when someone says no...or at least that is what I tell myself. lol

There is also the guilt issue. I know I feel bad when I can't help someone. I also know people can't always help me. So I bypass the guilt of the decision, by not asking. I really don't want people to feel like the *need* to help me, I want them to want to help me, and if they can't, done....but I want them to help me. So I go through this crazy cycle of insanity in my own head about asking *you* to help me. lol

...And with that being said, I am going to 'woman up' and email a few friends today...because I need help....and with no guilt intended, I hope I get a response.

Sometimes words are hard.

Hello, are you there blog? It's me, Caroline

2011-04-06T23:49:00.002-05:00

I would love to say my life has been ultra busy and I have been *so* busy, that I just didn't have time to blog, but that would be a lie. I haven't lied to you all yet, and I am not going to start now. I am also not going to look at the last time I blogged. Nor, am I going to look at the last time I wrote a poem. I have been slacking. Yes, I have been doing stuff, but seriously, I know better, I can write a blog everyday. It's not as if I am afraid of sharing my meaningless drivel with you all!

I just finished a few weeks worth of re-watching the entire Battlestar Galactica series. This has honestly, taken up way more of my time and energy then I think I am willing to admit. It is over now, so I can cross that off as a 'time suck' and get back to doing things and finishing up some plans.

Oh yes, there are plans. Many of them. I also have a white board filled with things to do. I think that until most of those are done, the tv is staying off. Which of course will leave me totally out of touch with the world. I will then rely on twitter, tumblr, and what not to keep me in the loop. I would say facebook, but I really just don't get on there that much.

Ok, so this was just a slow start. I will build, and maybe have a blog of meaning for you all tomorrow, but really, you just never know. lol

Ella Wheeler Wilcox had it right

2011-02-22T00:39:00.002-06:00

Ella Wheeler Wilcox (11/5/1855-10/30/1919) wrote a poem called Solitude many years ago. I think I learned it somewhere towards the end of grade school along with other wonderful poems thanks to my sister sharing a book with me. I used to have this poem memorized along with a few others. Solitude is only 24 lines long, but it speaks of a universal truth. Misery may love company, but company doesn't want to be around your misery. I've never really had this truth proved false.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you;

Weep, and you weep alone.

For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,

But has trouble enough of its own.

Sing, and the hills will answer;

Sigh, it is lost on the air.

The echoes bound to a joyful sound,

But shrink from a voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek you;

Grieve, and they turn and go.

They want full measure of all your pleasure,

But they do not need your woe.

Be glad, and your friends are many;

Be sad, and you lose them all.

There are not to decline your nectared wine,

But alone you must drink life's gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded;

Fast, and the world goes by.

Succeed and give, and it helps you live,

But no man can help you die.

There is room in the halls of pleasure

For a long and lordly train,

But one by one we must all file on

Through the narrow aisles of pain.

Its horrible being sad, and if you are sad, you know you are miserable to be around. People can only take it for so long before they are done with you and want someone happy and shiny and new. Its life. I don't deny anyone that feeling.

Its why last week it was somewhat easy to step back. I wasn't totally miserable or sad, but I could feel it. I could see a lot of things, and mainly, I could see the shit storm of my mind coming.

I know its my fault

2011-02-14T15:01:00.002-06:00

I am fully aware and take responsibility for the choices I made 12 years ago. I understand how that has impacted my life. Yet at the same time, damn it, I am a smart fucking person. There is no reason I shouldn't be able to get a job the (OMG!) I like AND that pays me well! There is no reason with my degree I shouldn't be able to pay off my student loans. And I should be able to once in a while go its just not fucking fair. People who didn't have the situations I had, who, in my opinion have/had it easier have it lucky. I can't help but think about how different things would be if I hadn't had to turn down the internships in D.C. If I had been able to immediately go on to Grad school.

I'm in sort of a pissy mood right now because I am tired of being pushed into corners. I am tired of feeling lame if I don't spend money. I am tired of not being able to spend money. I am just tired of a lot of shit. Its ridiculous. It passes. I try really hard to not let money get to me. And honestly, its not as bad now as it could be or the worse its ever been. I have some money in the bank...just not enough. Its never effing enough for the needs, let alone the wants. And today I am pissy about it. Today I am crying unfair on my life. I've worked to hard to just be where I am right now.

Chain resturants can make a difference

2011-01-11T15:28:00.003-06:00

A few weeks ago one of my favorite places closed in my town. I say favorite with the understanding that it wasn't a 'local' place, it was a chain, but it felt local half the time. Old Chicago's.

It's hard to explain, but let me try. It wasn't the food, which was either ok or somewhat tasty on average. It was the people and the memories.

Many years ago I worked a church. As such I met lots of the parishioners. One of these women had a daughter around my age. My mother and her mother started talking after Mass one day. They both seemed to believe their daughters needed friends. So upon walking in to grab my son and say good bye I was told I had to meet this girl AND get her number. MOST BIZARRE THING EVER. We both just stood looking at each other with our families around wishing we could escape. To pacify everyone, we exchanged numbers and then booked it out of there in our own ways.

For weeks we would call the other randomly like 5 min before we were going out inviting the other to join us and our friends. Always knowing that we were doing what our moms wanted (so we could be honest when asked) and that we wouldn't have to actually hang out with this stranger.

The people I worked a part time job with always wanted to go to Old Chicago's after work. So one day I called her and invited her to join. Oddly enough, I had given her enough time and she was going to come. The rest is history. She joined me and my other friends there each time.

The guy(s) that I was interested went there all the time too. We played darts. Drank. Hung out. All. The. Time. I think I may have spent way too much money there that one summer. But oh it was great. After failed blind dates it was where I would meet my friends. For games or just because we were bored. The servers there were great and it was like a family. We all knew each other. We closed the place down.

I invited one of my other friends to join us, and he and my friend would flirt. It took a few times, but they ended up going out. My friend and I would meet up at Old Chicago's to catch up on how the relationship was going. Discuss gifts being bought. Fun times. My friend ended up marrying him. They now have a little girl.

When my sister came to town to get married, they didn't want to spend a lot on a reception dinner, but they wanted to go out. I suggested Old Chicago's and that was where we all went.

I had my first 'date' with someone who turned out to be one of my craziest, but good friends.

It's where I had my last dinner with one of my (at the time) best friends.

Now, over time, the people that worked there changed. They would change how they did mini-tour parties. I didn't spend as much time there. It was however, where we always defaulted to. I was comfortable there. It was the only place I didn't feel weird going to the bar alone to.

Its all done now though. The place closed. I went with my friend the last day they were open for lunch. We talked with the manager who had known us for years. We cried over the fact that the normal fare we got was already gone. She got the last cookie to take home and share with her husband. We hadn't realized how big of part that place had been in our lives. The things that would never have come about had they not existed.

Its strange how that can happen isn't it.

My year 'vacation'

2010-12-22T15:45:00.002-06:00

You know how getting a vacation goes right? You get excited about it. You sort things out with work and family. You have money to spend. The beginning of the vacation is awesome. You are doing what you want...although there may be a few things you didn't *really* want to do, but it had to be done. You start running low on cash, so you start taking things easy. Spend time with friends & family at home. You still have time off, but funds are low. You start thinking about work again. You start at work again and everything feels weird and you are now working to pay for the vacation you thought was covered.

That, my friends, was my year. This, is also, my year end blog post wrap up. JOY!

This year started with a new job part time. I loved it. I was getting paid more than at my other job and working with people I liked. I, for the first time in years, had money to pay all my bills without worrying and some left over. My stress from my other job was cut in half. I was in a bubble of happiness.

The bubble had to pop though, as often things like that do. But I started a side business and only stayed at the 'bad place' half time. I was, I suppose in a state of denial of having to do more, because I didn't. I let the current of the world pull me along. I figured, I had been working since I was a Sophomore in high school, I deserved some down time.

Then, unexpectedly (and thankfully??), the job I had been at for 8 years, the job that all my friends told me I should quit, started going through financial problems and let me go.

So I went this from working two part time jobs everyday, to one part time job, to no job. It was a slow taper...but it still was a shock. Again, I have been working for businesses forever, this whole "don't have someplace to be everyday" threw me off...badly. More then I let on to friends. (I don't care what the economy is like, not having a job is still embarrassing.)

Thankfully, my time at my other job helped out when I applied for unemployment, so I was able to...coast?...for a month or so while I was uber picky about looking for a job.

I now have a job...and I took a big pay cut...and I am back to wondering how the heck to pay for things. Back and forth on the fact that I am over qualified for this job (mainly) that I am 'too old' to be starting at the bottom and the fact that I have a job at all and this job is in/related to a field that I love and have wanted to work in since I was 15. The 'vacation' is over. Hard reality gets to have it's place back in my life. woo hoo

I'm not saying this was a horrible year. I'm not saying that it was a great year. It was definably an odd year. One I made it through (few days shy, I know). I'd like to say I learned a lot...but nope. Well, I learned that my other job really did do more to me psychologically then I would like to admit and I really should have left it years ago, if only for some other crap job for a while. I hope next year, a bit more of my old self will come out.

That is my year 'vacation'. I am getting back into the habit of a job. Of all that it entails. woot!

You're so nice not to say so.

2010-12-03T10:18:00.002-06:00

So I suppose I should say thank you to all my friends around me who haven't commented on what I am going to deem 'massive amounts of weight' the past 2-3 months. Granted I haven't stepped on the scale (haven't since August actually...), but I know. It kind of sneaked up on me actually. The past two weeks or so I've felt like the proverbial butterball turkey. Not a good feeling. Its funny too, because it's not as if I've stopped working out. I still do my yoga (although I haven't this week) and I still run and I still go to the gym. So...I don't get it. Well, I guess I do. Sitting at home all day for months in a row are bound to effect you right? Stupid snacks.

It's just not a place I want to be at. I miss where I was a few years ago (hell, a few months ago was better), I've made strides, but my damn emotional eating screws it up each time. So, it's time for a jump start. I know what is good for me and what is not. What my body will let me not have, and what it demands no MATTER WHAT (Coca-Cola! woot!). I'm hoping that now that this week is over, I can get on it for at least a week or so. Get me back to eating right....

Cleansing diets are harder then Hell, but they are so good for you...well me anyway. So, next week I begin. ~I'm not going to be strict about it this weekend because I have two luncheon parties to go to (one on Saturday and one on Sunday). There is always a reason to not start up, but they are short periods. (rationalizing)

So Monday no: meat (some chicken is ok), seafood, wheat, flour, corn, carrots, potatoes, vinegar, sugar, fruits, dairy, extra caffeine beyond one Coke, no alcohol. Yes to: tuna, nuts, veggies, fish (not going to happen), eggs, water....some more water....and water. lol

There's more to it, but that is it. I am sure, due to $ there are some areas in which I will have to fail at for a bit...or just starve myself? lol but I am guessing that is a bad idea so.....

I generally don't talk about this with people in general. I might tell everyone I am working out or I am going to lose weight or something, but I don't say 'because I feel like size of 3 people,' which I currently do. Not sure how much more running I can add either. Or gym time. But its going to have to find a way for a while. Along with pilates, because I haven't done that in a long time...which may be why I think my body is much in the middle at the moment.

As always, I don't mind company sometimes when I work out. Sometimes I do, but having someone to check in with or be accountable to....it can be a good thing.

So, anyway....that is that. Not much I can do as I sit here at my desk, but get it out there. So be nice, I will be low on sugar. :p

Romance novels

2010-11-30T19:06:00.002-06:00

If you are a female, chances are you have read one of these. Whether a 'simple' romance story, or one of the..."racier" kinds. I have been reading these books since I was in Jr High (if not earlier). I won't read 'modern' romances though, only historical. I have my reasons.

First, why did I start reading them? I was the youngest of four kids. My eldest sister was 8 years my senior and then it went down to 4 years with my other sister, also throw in my brother. I won't say that I really liked reading as a kid, but I did, and then I found that all the books I read only took a few hours, where it would take friends days. So, like any logical kid, I asked my siblings for something to read. From them I got sci-fi, some non-fiction, fantasy, and romance. So, I like all those types of books now. :)

One of my friends basically only reads romance novels (no, I won't call you out here lol) and she reads them all. It makes no difference to her. We will book swap every so often, but she now knows not to bother giving me current day/modern romance novels. I think I am a rare person in this, as most people don't care.

I think the reason I don't like them is, well, they are realistic enough to make the possibility of it sting. lol Historical romances always happen the same way, either they are both nobility, or one of them is, or someone is rich. There is some work and drive, but otherwise, its pretty dresses, dances, dinners, and romance. That stuff doesn't happen anymore. Well, not really.

Modern romances go with the day to day and then that added story line of 'yes, in today's world or craziness and work, you can have a romance story.' No, I not a skeptic, but seeing it in a 'this could happen to you' makes some of the aspects of my life not so happy to deal with. Again, with the historical, I have no illusions that those situations will happen to me. (One could wish, but reality is what it is.)

Beyond that, thy also don't have the background of society and rules and pretty dresses and chivalrous men. I like escaping into books, and if you are going to do that, might as well go as deep as you can.

Yup, that's today's post. lol What about you? Preference? Ever read them? Read them but end up skipping long parts of chapters like I do? lol :)

Trust

2010-11-29T23:11:00.002-06:00

So many things pop into my mind when I thought of this topic. There is a good chance that this post is going to take a few twists and turns. I can't promise that it'll be a great post, but its about trust, so at least it will tell a story or two.

As I was working the other day, I made a form up for us to post. I worked it all up and then with clenched nerves, brought it in to be seen by the boss. See, for the past 7 years I did a majority of the flyers or signs or brochures at my other job. I enjoyed it, but I also had a boss that...well, didn't like anything. I was used to getting things back with random pen marks or the whole idea changed all together. Not a big deal, but that was how it worked. She made you feel stupid because she couldn't do it.

When I brought it in to my new boss the reactions was "wow! You went all out, that looks great." This wasn't a special sign, just a simple one. It'd been a long time since someone simply said, it looks good.

Lately I feel like I can sort of relate my reactions to my new job as you could someone who was abused for years. Even after the real threat is gone, the natural reaction is to be beat or yelled at. That's me. I keep waiting for it. Waiting for the crazy to come. My last boss told me that she didn't trust anyone, and she never would. No one could be trusted, no matter what w said or did. She never let you forget that she didn't trust you either. Yet, I can see that my new job, they trust you. They trusted me the first day. I had a key to the building, a building housing countless records and items and history, within 3 days. I never had a key to the other office.

Trust is a funny thing, when you don't have it for so long, it seems so weird when you do. It makes you gun shy. I can see now that the feeling of mistrust and fear, leaked into my whole life. When someone who you have given no reason to mistrust you, constantly tells you how they won't, it internally picks at you and, at least for me I see, makes you feel like less then a person.

I, myself, am a mixture of too trustworthy and not trusting enough. I used to just be the former. I was naive that way. "Thankfully" my ex, after another round of 'what the hell is going on' and something came up where I was mistrustful and kind of bitchy, cured me of that. At least he likes to take credit for it. He was proud that he was able to make me not so trusting and kind. (This should of been a big sign to avoid him at all costs.)

On the whole though, I do tend to trust before not. I'm not saying I would give you the keys to my house, but I would trust that you are a good human being and not a complete moron. I let people go up or down from there.

It could be stupid to trust people, but I can't see being a person who tells people 'I won't trust you ever' for no reason. Trust can be earned as well damn it.

I think trust is a good thing, and I try to keep that trust unless you have actually done something to lose it. I like to think on a whole I pick good people to hang out with. Flaws and all.

You may be deceived if you trust too much,

but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough.

~Frank Crane

Book or a movie???

2010-11-29T00:35:00.003-06:00

I have to be at work before the time I normally wake up tomorrow, so this post is going to be a little easy. :)

A few days ago a friend posted this on her blog. (I would totally link it, but I know for a while she wasn't promoting her blog, and whereas I think that has changed, I don't want to do so if she is still.) I thought it was interesting. Think the BBC confused groups of books with single books, but eh. lol

My biggest problem when looking through this was trying to decide if I had really read the book or simply seen it as a movie. lol Both for many of them. Crazy think is that a lot of the long ones I read for pleasure, not for school or anything. lol

How's your book score on this? Anything you think should be on there? Its missing all David Eddings, RR Martin and RAA Salvatore, but I guess I understand.

The BBC believes most people will have read only 6 of the 100 books listed here."

Instructions:

Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen
The Lord of the Rings – JRR Tolkien
Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte
Harry Potter series – JK Rowling
To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee
The King James Bible
Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte
Nineteen Eighty Four (1984) – George Orwell
His Dark Materials – Philip Pullman
Great Expectations – Charles Dickens
Little Women – Louisa M Alcott
Tess of the D’Urbervilles – Thomas Hardy
Catch 22 – Joseph Heller
Complete Works of Shakespeare
Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier
The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien
Birdsong – Sebastian Faulk
Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger
The Time Traveler’s Wife – Audrey Niffenegger
Middlemarch – George Eliot
Gone With The Wind – Margaret Mitchell
The Great Gatsby – F. Scott Fitzgerald
War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams
Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh
Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck
Alice in Wonderland – Lewis Carroll
The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahame
Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy
David Copperfield – Charles Dickens
Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis
Emma -Jane Austen
Persuasion – Jane Austen
The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe – CS Lewis
The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini
Captain Corelli’s Mandolin – Louis De Bernieres
Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden
Winnie the Pooh – A.A. Milne
Animal Farm – George Orwell
The DaVinci Code – Dan Brown
One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
A Prayer for Owen Meaney – John Irving
The Woman in White – Wilkie Collins
Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery
Far From The Madding Crowd – Thomas Hardy
The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood
Lord of the Flies – William Golding
Atonement – Ian McEwan
Life of Pi – Yann Martel
Dune – Frank Herbert
Cold Comfort Farm – Stella Gibbons
Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen
A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth
The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon
A Tale Of Two Cities – Charles Dickens
Brave New World – Aldous Huxley
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time – Mark Haddon
Love In The Time Of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck
Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov
The Secret History – Donna Tartt
The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold
Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas
On The Road – Jack Kerouac
Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy
Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding
Midnight’s Children – Salman Rushdie
Moby Dick – Herman Melville
Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens
Dracula – Bram Stoker
The Secret Garden – Frances Hodgson Burnett
Notes From A Small Island – Bill Bryson
Ulysses – James Joyce
The Inferno – Dante
Swallows and Amazons – Arthur Ransome
Germinal – Emile Zola
Vanity Fair – William Makepeace Thackeray
Possession – AS Byatt
Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens
Cloud Atlas – David Mitchell
The Color Purple – Alice Walker
The Remains of the Day – Kazuo Ishiguro
Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert
A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry
Charlotte’s Web – E.B. White
The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom
Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton
Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad
The Little Prince – Antoine De Saint-Exupery
The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks
Watership Down – Richard Adams
A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole
A Town Like Alice – Nevil Shute
The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas
Hamlet – William Shakespeare
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Roald Dahl
Les Miserables – Victor Hugo

Awkward? Yes.

2010-11-28T19:41:00.001-06:00

So I thought I pressed post yesterday on this, guess not. Bah, that's twice. Anyway, take this as Saturday's post, as that is when I wrote it.

Today I took the boy and one of his friends to see Harry Potter. I thought this was brave on my part since they are both eleven. lol However, it went fine. No crazy shinaningans before or during the movie. A bit of talking, but not too bad.

After the movie I HAD to get gas, so drove over to the closest one. It's not my place of choice so I was only getting a few gallons. As I was putting the gas in, the boy's friend went inside to go to the bathroom. (Why he couldn't go at the theater while they were waiting on *me* in the bathroom, I have no idea.)

When he came out he was saying how we'd never guess what was over the toilet. He whispered, the boy started laughing. I wasn't sure what could be so strange in a men's room, but who knows right? He was saying how weird it was and (big laugh here) there were 5 different kinds. When he said there was even a glow in the dark, I knew. Condoms. Of course...and OH MY GOD MY SON AND HIS FRIEND ARE TALKING (GIGGLING) ABOUT CONDOMS IN THE CAR WITH ME!!

They found it totally gross and surprising that they would be in the bathroom..and for only $0.75 too. "Those are usually by the register." I really wanted to say something, but this was also someone else's kid, how do I know what they would or would not want him to know?

I was having a bit of a hard time not laughing at this situation, but when the friend focused on the fact that there were glow in the dark and "why, what would be the point, that doesn't make sense," I almost had to pull the car over or something. The boy was just giggling and saying yeah. "That's just wrong and why would you do that, its wasted." ....the latter isn't verbatim, but something along those lines.

I was never more grateful for a topic change then I was today. Five minutes of this subtle, but not directly saying anything was weird. I figure that maybe I should have said *something* but I have no idea what it would have been. I guess I figured letting them get it out was my way of saying condoms aren't bad? Or it could of been my COMPLETE mortification that the conversation was happening at all.

The trip back home

2010-11-26T23:37:00.002-06:00

The trip back from my sister's place to mine held the following things: A well thought out blog that I couldn't write down (because I was driving) or record to write later (because my family was in the car), surprisingly few flare up arguments with my mother, plans in my mind to drive down that highway at my own pace someday taking pictures of the old farmhouses, and the realization that I left my pillow and migraine pillow back at my sister's (3 hours away).

I have snippets of the blog in my mind, but I don't have time to write it all out tonight. So, I am not all that concerned about that. What I am most concerned with is my pillow. Primarily, the migraine pillow. I have back up pillows I can sleep on, but I don't have any other migraine pillows, so I have to hope I don't get a migraine until I am able to get that pillow back. It helps me greatly and has eliminated some before they got bad. It might be a total mental thing but...ugh, I just want my pillow. :(

Thankful

2010-11-25T22:36:00.002-06:00

I never tire of writing this blog. Its my yearly "I'm Grateful" post. Each year, you should be able to find something to be grateful for, and I think that sometimes, when you sit down to think about it, you find that you have more then you thought.

This year has been a tricky one. It started out with a part time awesome job with awesome people. Still part time in the job from hell. Job from hell grew worse, other job fell through. Started my own business selling at farmers markets. Lost my part time job at the place I had been at for over 7 years due to the economy. Was unemployed for months. Found a job that is in the area of my field of study, and whereas right now its not what I want to be doing, it has to opportunity for me to be doing those things.

So I am grateful that I am finally out of the job that has made me so miserable for so many years.

I am thankful my friends supported me and were happy for my escape.

I am thankful for my new friends this year. They have brought fun to my life and comfort. I appreciate the new things they bring to my life.

I am thankful for friends that I have had for years. You've stayed with me. You make me happy.

I am thankful for my friends that understand I go through cycles of in and out of wanting to be social/loner/need to see everyone every day. I can be difficult without meaning too. (Guess we all can.) Thank you for understanding I am human.

I am thankful for people that read this blog. There are a few regulars, and its nice to know someone out there I don't *know* reads my drivel, and feels it is worth their time. Thank you.

I am thankful for my family. I am glad I got to see some distant relatives, reconnect with others, and remain close to others. I love my family...no matter if they drive me crazy at some times. :)

I am thankful I have been able to put food on the table and pay my bills (as regularly as I can lol). I think at this point in time, that's all I can ask for right?

I'm thankful that my family and myself has stayed relatively healthy and safe.

I am thankful that I am still well enough to go running with people and play volleyball with people and go camping/floating.

I am thankful so many of my friends found happiness with something this year.

I'm thankful I am able to write and read and think. Its things people take for granted sometimes I think.

I'm thankful that I get to go to sleep tonight and not wake up overly early tomorrow. Fingers crossed to maybe...oh...9? Noon would be awesome, but I don't think that would ever happen. lol

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and that you can find your things to be thankful for too.

Loyalty

2010-11-24T15:47:00.000-06:00

I waited a while to write this. Still not sure if I should, but its been bugging me for months, so here goes.Friday I will talk about trust. Loyalty, its a strong thing. I may not give strong loyalty to you or a job right away, but if I know you for more then a few days, chances are you have earned it from me. It could simply be that I believe that if I am loyal to something, they will be loyal back to me. It seems logical in my mind. ....Just not in others.

If I have invested myself in something, I'm loyal to it. I don't like to quit things. I don't like to give up. This is why I stayed at my past job for so long. It wasn't because it was such an awesome place to work. It wasn't because they were always so nice to their employees. It was because I had built up a loyalty to them. At times, even a blind loyalty.

If something needed to be done that wasn't in the norm, I would do it. If something needed to be learned, I learned it. Generally off the clock. I wanted to be better at my job, not just for me, but so I could make the place better as a whole. I did my job. I wanted to do it well. I wanted to help the office as much as I could in many areas.

There were years when they were transition years, where everyone seemed to move away and we would have to build the staff back up from scratch. Those were the times I so wanted to leave. Couldn't see why I would stay....but the reason was, I was loyal. I didn't want to abandon the office like that. I didn't want to abandon those other few employees that were there. So I stayed. I refer to those times when I was like a rat too stupid to get off a sinking ship.

As in any job, there are opportunities to ruin things. Or do the bare minimum because it won't matter if you do. But I didn't. I didn't try and do things on the sly. I was open about everything we did. I worked hard, even if I couldn't get *everything* done everyday. In the early years I would take things I couldn't finish home to do. I thought this was the better way so I could help people at work and not do the behind the scenes stuff there. I did that until one day the manager said in a condescending/bitchy voice 'well no one asked you to do that.' That would also be why I stopped creating manuals, fliers, brochures, and ordering things when/if I was home sick. There was never appreciation or loyalty to what I did.

People would always say that because I did such a good job that I didn't have to worry about things. I always told them they were wrong. That our boss felt everyone was dispensable. My job was never 'safe'. I never felt that. Ever.

That's the funny thing about my time there too. They never felt that loyalty towards even half the employees. If we ever did really well, they would find something to bitch about. They didn't seem to care if we were there, unless it made something difficult for them.

The place I started working is going to take some getting used to. They have loyalty. I can see that already. If I put my time in here, they aren't going to still treat me like some urchin that came off the street that they have to deal with because they need workers. I have seen that in how they treat the students, the people that have been here for a few years, months and weeks. My loyalty is easy to gain and hard to lose, and I feel like this time it is justified. That's so weird.....and totally awesome.

crazy day

2010-11-23T22:56:00.001-06:00

So today started out as one of this days where you hit the snooze button, and as soon as you close your eyes it's already going back off. Rush, rush rush.
Work was a boring so I started thinking. I've been neglecting some friends, and I hate being the friend that does that. I need to fix it.
after that bout of whining, I found out my brother's cat had died. That cat was I think close to 20. I watched that cat every week for a few years. I loved that cat. So I got to deal with that as well.
thankfully there was a KU game to go to. The guys won so that made it better. 63 home game winning streak.
Now I am at the Sandbar enjoying a few drinks and watching the Duke-KState game. (hense the bad formatting)
Hope everyone else's day was better.

Opening up

2010-11-22T20:58:00.002-06:00

I think we all have a secret or two that we don't want to share with new friends...or anyone. Be it something from your childhood or a past relationship. Its a secret because, even if it made us who we are, its embarrassing. Its nice to think that those bad things never happened to us. That our childhoods were always full of cool times and friends. That all relationships were good choices on our part.

I also think, that the part of us that holds these memories wants to share them. We want to tell someone the bad that was in our lives. The embarrassing. So we can maybe let it go and so we know there is someone out there we can trust.

In my mind, my ex was embarrassing. My only thought process in why I would date him was that I was somehow perpetually drunk for over 3 years. That has to be why I ignored all the stupidity and, well...stuff. I didn't talk about him to anyone. The people that knew him, knew him, but I didn't mention him to anyone else. I didn't talk about it.

Then a few years ago (insert crazy story here that I won't really get into) I became friends with his ex-fiancée (after we were no longer dating). Seeing as how we both had dated him, we could talk about him...and the things that we were thinking....and the embarrassment or regret. It wasn't that bad though. It was freeing to talk about it and not cringe inside. I still don't talk about him that much...no need to. Don't want to. I have found though, its not so embarrassing anymore.

As with so many things, I know that if I get it out. If I share it, it loses so much power over me. I think that holds true for many people. I just need that first person to let me open up about some things, so maybe I can finally let them go.

Saying goodbye is hard and sucks

2010-11-21T17:13:00.002-06:00

I've never been good at goodbyes. Ever.

When I was very young, my family moved around a lot. If I am not mistaken, by the time I was 3, we had moved 6 times. Before the move to Joplin, my dad (via my mom) said no more for a while. (They moved a lot more than that before I was born.) So since they were building a store in Joplin, my dad was given it to run. We stayed in Joplin, in the same house, for almost all of my childhood. I think the fact that I had this home. This stability aided in me wanting to hold on to things. (It doesn't seem to plague my siblings, I believe its because they were just used to moving and giving things up all the time.)

My 6th grade year, my dad took a promotion and we moved to Tulsa, OK. I was not a happy person about this. We moved mid school year too. Hate is not too strong. I was miserable. My friends were far away. It wasn't too far from Joplin, but it was far enough. On top of that, my brother and oldest sister were still back in Joplin. For the first time in my life they weren't around me.

We moved back that summer. I was grateful...but then I had this new group of friends in Tulsa that I would miss. There was no internet social media to help us stay in touch, so all I have left of them all is memories.

After my freshman year of high school we moved to KS. I was a teenager and I was as moody as you can imagine over this. No way my friends would ever come up to visit me in my new place. And now my other sister wasn't going to be around as well. Just me and my parents. I lost touch with people I had known my whole life those next three years. People I had known since I was 4. Gone. Connections lost.

After graduating hs, I moved for college. I am still in the same town. People talk about how they find it annoying that old friends from hs find them on Facebook or whatever, but for me, my school was small. I knew everyone, and there was only one or two people I honestly couldn't stand. I am happy to have that connection there. I don't like to lose people.

Thing is, I have a really good memory for people (maybe not names). There are people I went to camp with in 4th grade that I still think about. The summer I was a camp counselor I made some of the best friends I may ever have. Due to distance and ease of contact, I don't know where any of them are now. Its partly my fault too. I can write people letters every other day, but I could never quite mail them. You would think it would be easier with email, but its not. I used to be a good pen pal, but somewhere along the line I lost it.

The place I live now is a college town. So since my first year here, I have had friends moving away. Every few years its like the town purges itself of all my close friends or people that I really enjoy being around. I hate that most of all. In my "old age" its killer. I want my friends around....and they are in another city, state, country. I'm usually very happy for them though, they leave for better jobs or a new family or furthering their school...but they are gone. And if I don't hang on to the small snippets I have of them, they will be just another person that touched my life, and has no idea I think about them every now and then.

About four years ago, it was really hard for me. EVERYONE moved. My close friends and co-workers all moved (and I mean like all, there was only 3 or 4 left out of 12!) Good friends I had made in college moved. A high school friend that had still been living here moved. A friend I had just reconnected with was moving to another state far way. I had maybe one or two friends that I was in weekly contact with left in town. I was miserable. I might as well have moved myself.

This year is shaping up that way, and I don't know how to deal with it. I have two friend that will be gone summerish (one of them already gone, but coming back every few weeks). I just found out that another group of friends will be moving first of January. Ok, so its not all my friends this time. Even if I do hear some of them talking about leaving town. But chunks of my life are moving away. It frightens me, because I don't want to lose touch with these people.

One of my friends (one that is now moved away) was talking to me years ago, how one of her friends was moving out of town and she didn't know what to do. If she spent a lot of time with her friend now, she would have all these memories, but it would be that much harder when she was gone. If she started avoiding her now, it would be easier when she was really gone. When she told me this I thought it was crazy. Why wouldn't you want to spend time with them? But then I found all my friends moving, and I understood. So I go through this each time I have some awareness that people are moving. Its a delicate line of spending good quality time with them....but not a quantity of time. It makes it hard. Idk.

I am not good with saying good bye to people. I hate it. Especially when they move far way, because who knows when/if I'll ever see them again, and that fear sucks most of all.

Thank you Trailhawks

2010-11-20T17:23:00.002-06:00

All week long I thought about running on Saturday and Sunday. I wanted to run a few of the weekdays, but this or that stopped me....along with what I posted about a few days ago. Today was the second annual Sanders Saunter out at Clinton Lake. Its a 10k trail race. I had volunteered to help with it a month or so ago, knowing I wouldn't be prepared, or fast enough, or psyched internally enough for it. (NEXT YEAR!!!!) So today I woke up at some ungodly time to get dressed and head out there.

Getting dressed I put on layers, with the bottom layer being tights and a running long sleeved shirt. My thought was I would run after the race. In the back of my mind though, I kind of scoffed at the idea. I figured what I would *really* do is after the race, talk to people then decide it was late enough and then head home for a nap with the belief I would go back out later for a run. Seriously, this is how my mind works it out. This is the bane of my self sabotage.

When I got to the meeting place I didn't say anything about running later. I just waited around with others until it was time for me to take my place. As I sat there, I saw all the people coming in to sign up. I was somewhat impressed by how many. I've worked another trail race though, and I'd seen them all come before. Like that time I was a bit envious that they were running. ....Envious can't be the right word, but it'll do.

I took off for my spot about 20 min before the start. I wasn't that far into the trail, and as someone who's been walking/hiking that trail for years, I was comfortable with it. I had some alone time then, so I tried 'waking up' and did some yoga and stretches. Nothing too exciting. Then the race started, and I saw the group come by. Forty-seven souls passed me by. Seeing them all starting off was inspiring.

Being where I was, I got to see the runners at the start, after the first hard hill, almost done, and then last stretch. I saw all sorts of runners. All pushing through. In my mind, everyone else is a good runner (this is still the case), and since I generally end up running alone, I don't see the others walking, or the exhaustion on others. I see in my head non-stop running for everyone. Today I was able to see that taking it slow in parts was normal and still makes you an awesome runner. (That sounds weird to try and write, who knows if its coming across the way I mean it too.)

There was one woman running and this was her first trail race. I was so impressed by that. I guess everyone has to have a first race, but still. She wasn't in the front of the pack, but she kept going. Although I can tell by how long the race was, that she totally ran faster then me, kind of made me wonder why I didn't try.

After the race, I was still awake. (lol It could be because my system finally woke up while I was out directing traffic on the trail and so I had a few energy gummies.) The awards were given and I talked to a few people, but the fact that everyone ran so well was making me itch to go out.

Like I said before, I haven't run in weeks, so I figured I would do one mile. Maybe two. Take the blue out and white back. I know it well, its comfortable. But when I got to the first crossover trail, where I could continue out on blue or turn and go up the mound, I turned. I had thought about running the mound all morning (I'd also played host to the idea of trying to run the whole course, but I know better then to push my body like that without any preparation).

My pace was slow and steady. I kind of have it in my mind to keep one speed, no matter what I am running on. Its slow, but its consistent. (OK, on the rocky inclines I love to sprint up those, but that is not the point. lol) I made it to the mound and started up. I hate hills. I kept my pace though. Slow. I got to the top and heard voices behind me. My first thought was "geeze I was slow doing that. Pathetic, I should finish this mile and head in." (Yes, I am vicious with myself when running.) The voices were from two Trailhawks that were clearing the course. I was pacing a bit to get my breath back (I hadn't used the inhaler yet) and thinking how embarrassing. I started to head back towards the path when one of them said, "Good job going up the hill, you paced it well." Or something like that. All I know was, that those words crushed the ones in my head. No, I didn't suddenly think I was a rock star, but I thought, maybe I am not doing so bad for not running in a month, and I should shut the hell up.

I went back down the mound and on the way back I was thinking about what I would do. I mean, I hadn't run in weeks and I wasn't sure what my knee would be feeling like later, and the boy was at home, and it was getting warm, and I hadn't eaten...and then the crossover came up. I was tired from coming back up the hill.

I turned down the path away from the finish.

I thought about just going out a bit on the trail and then taking the turn that leads back to white. So only like another mile. I passed the turn and kept going. I got to the mile marker where I could turn back on white for the last mile or go out farther. I went out farther. I would of kept going farther but I wasn't sure where to go! lol So I ended up turning around after about a quarter of a mile or so on that path.

Overall, it was only like 3 and a half miles I ran today. But the thing is, its 2 and a half miles more then I had originally planned. And if felt great. I wasn't too tired and I was able to keep my breath and pace for most of it. I know, if it hadn't been for the Trailhawks and all the other runners on that course this morning, I would't have done that. It wasn't nearly as long or as fast as them, but it was something. For that I am grateful, even though you don't know it.

You are all awesome and I am lucky to know you. All the Trailhawks I've met have been inspiring and helpful and nice and encouraging. I should really stop letting my fears of not being as good go, because no one but me cares about it. They are that awesome. :) By your act of running, you helped me to run.

Thank you.

Fridays...UGH!!!

2010-11-20T00:09:00.001-06:00

My plan was to write a blog this afternoon. I figured I would have time...but with little jobs here and there to do, it all slipped away. I then had a great evening by going to the KU Men's basketball game and then to dinner & sushi with friends. The time is now 2 to 12. Cripe. No time. This keeps happening on Fridays, I'm going to have to figure something out. At least for the rest of the month. Boo to me. Easy for you to read though!! :)

That its funny thing starting over

2010-11-18T23:27:00.002-06:00

A few weeks ago, while I was running, I fell. It wasn't a horrible fall. It hurt, but I got back up and tried to keep going. My ankle hurt and I ended up walking back and not continuing on. This bothered me, because I don't really like quitting. ...and quitting is too easy to do. So my ankle was sore, but so was my knee. I figured no biggie, my knees always hurt...and they hurt more when I run.

Its embarrassing going down stairs because you can hear my knees crackling. Apparently it runs in the family, so I am hoping that I can stay active enough to last me a while, because it looks like my knees will not want to move later on. ANYWAY>>>>

My knee was killing me. Despite the embarrassment of falling and already being a slow slow runner I wanted to go back. My knee however was not even wanting to move half the time. Throbbing pain is not my friend. So I took the week off. Then the next week came, it felt better, but schedules got in the way. Inactivity didn't help my knee. It didn't make it worse, but it made me lazy. So I am going on almost 3/4 weeks of not running. And I really, really want to go. I want to try out my new jacket. I want to get better. I miss the trails.

But, since so much time has passed, it'll be like starting over again. I so am not looking forward to that at all, and its hard to get over. Its easy to find excuses when you know you aren't going to be good at something. I know I can't run tomorrow, but by God, I better on Saturday and Sunday. Knee and weather be damned!!!

Five min to go!

2010-11-17T23:54:00.002-06:00

I almost forgot today! I went to see the KU Women's basketball game unexpectedly tonight. Threw off my plans. This is ok though. I should have gone on to the gym, but ended up getting sick when I got home. Its like things are conspiring against me! lol So one more time, I will say "tomorrow" and then I will get things done like I want. Right? right. :)

What flirting means

2010-11-16T21:26:00.002-06:00

This article was on the KU website this week. It showed up on Monday, I read it, and then took the quiz to find out what kind of flirt I am. Yes, it sounds silly...or just stupid. In some ways it was interesting though. ...and not just because someone has actually made it their life's work to figure out the mystery of flirting.

Jeffrey Hall, assistant professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas, had broken flirting types down to five ways: physical, traditional, polite, sincere and playful. From there he has studied what kind of relationships these types of flirts have. I'm not going to lie when I say that I was shocked at him saying that those who are more physical flirts have longer, better relationships. I mean, some of what he says makes sense but....really?

I'm not really going to go into what kind the quiz said I was (it wasn't what I thought would come out of it at all honestly). I will say though, based on what he says, maybe that's why I am how I am. lol I mean, we have our ways of perceiving the world. Our boundaries. What we consider ok and socially fine. We have those habits that we don't notice all the time.

Who would of thought that something so simple in the interaction of two people could determine if that person is going to be able to be in a relationship and for how long. This isn't one of those Facebook "what kind of flirt are you" quizzes either. Or maybe it is, and maybe like other things, I just have thought about it too much. Not like I can change some things about myself. (Yes, I can change some things, I know.)

I don't know, it just makes me think. ...and that is what Caroline's been thinking.

Late night loves

2010-11-15T13:33:00.000-06:00

When I was in college I worked for a pizza place. Generally I would make it home by 4:30/5am on a good day. Despite being exhausted (and needing sleep so I could go to class by 11) I would chill out in the living room for a bit to decompress. I'd plop on the couch and turn on the TV and flip. At that time (both in regards to the time of day and the year) MTV would still play videos. Just for a few hours. For about two weeks straight, every time I watched, Radiohead's Paranoid Android would play. I had not really listened to Radiohead before. I mean, I am sure I heard their music, but didn't know it. After the first week it grew on me. The second week I longed to hear it when i got home. Then I bought the album. ...and listened to it over and over again.

Would I have liked the song if I hadn't heard it at that time of day? Chances are I might of liked it, or tolerated it. After all, many fans of Radiohead aren't big fans of that album. I, however, love it. I still stop my world when that song comes on. I still can see the poorly animated video.

Same goes with infomercials. If I saw one during the day, utter crap. I laugh and turn the channel. In the early morning darkness however, its mesmerizing. You (others have attested to this, so broad for everyone) find yourself watching it...and wondering if you should actually spend $20 on such an ingenious product. I only fell for it once though, but who does't love Richard Simmons?!?

So I wonder, if I love some things more because they came to me at night. When my mind was in whatever state of...mind? I have found that things I encounter at night. Things I discover later. These are things that stick with me. That I let become a part of me...or I have more tolerance for. Maybe its due to being susceptible to suggestion at that time...but I have night friends too, so seems a bit off to say that. lol

calling it in

2010-11-14T18:41:00.001-06:00

Literally on my pdhone. I noticed when I got home last night that my post never went through for Saturday, so I'll need to look that all up later. Currently at a concert. so this will be short. but its done! woot

always forgetting!!

2010-11-12T23:53:00.002-06:00

Most important thing right now, I am FREEZING. I say that only because my nose is cold. I do not like my nose being cold. Second important thing is that I am exhausted. I am ready to sleep and sleep in. I NEED to sleep. Third most important thing, I had the perfect blog today. I had it thought out. It was something that was going to flow wonderfully AND it was interesting.

I promptly forgot it when someone at work asked me a question before I could write it down. I can't for the life of me figure out what it was now and its killing me. I loved it. I know did. FRUSTRATING!!!!

My own personal archives

2010-11-11T23:26:00.001-06:00

I haven't used (seen) my social security card in years. Its in my house somewhere, but since it is not something I use, I just don't know where it's living at the moment. I started a new job this week, and figured it wouldn't be too much of an issue. For I-9 forms you can use different forms of identification, and I had those. No biggie right? Nope, the main organization I work for requires your ssc. You have to show it to them. So flipping weird. On Tuesday I began my quest to find my card.

Its funny when you are looking for something how you can picture where it is in your mind. I pictured it with these papers, and then in that drawer, and then in that cup with the photos. I could see it so clearly in all these places. The reason I saw it in so many places though, was because it wasn't in any of them and I had to try and figure out where else it could be. I tore through everything in my house. I went out the the garage and pulled boxes off of shelves. I emptied out desk drawers. I spread stacks of papers franticly all over the floor in almost every room of the house.

I couldn't find it. (The card isn't the main part of the story, but I will say I never found it, I ended up going to the Social Security Administration to get a new one and thankfully they were able to give me a proof of card number so I could get entered in the work system and get paid!)

The funny thing about going through all these files was that I had some from 1995. 1995! I think I had some older if I really think about it. You could look through these papers and see my life. You could see what I was doing. Who I was hanging out with. Where I was working. Part of me thinks this is awesome, and that I should just stack them all back up and put them back in their homes of boxes or drawers. Another part of me is thinking I should either put it all in a fire or trash bag. Why do I need it all after all? Who cares about this stuff other then me?

At my new job we have the archives of a member of Congress. These archives include all correspondence, gifts, books, photos and all sorts of miscellaneous items. These are being studied to track his life. Its amazing to get to see this person's life from beginning to now. This is where I have to stop though, because this person made a huge difference in the world. This person's past can teach us about policy and collaboration and perseverance.

My papers not so much. Its a little sad really, but, I can hear some people screaming now "THROW IT OUT THROW IT OUT THROW IT OUT!!" I probably will, don't worry...but don't be surprised if I am stuck in my own little world of the past this weekend while I look through what to toss. ...and if I do decide to burn it, you are all invited to watch...and roast marshmallows. lol

What

2010-11-10T23:41:00.002-06:00

What do you want when you look out your door? What are you expecting? What were you hoping for? What do you want?

What do you really think will happen if you say A instead of B? What would happen if you did the things you wanted to do?

What would you really feel if people did the things you want them to? What is stopping you from doing all that you really want?

What would you do if things went your way?

What do you hope for when you wake up in the morning?

What do you expect to happen? Seriously? What do you expect when you knew what would happen all along? Can you really be upset or surprised?

What will you do now?

so tired

2010-11-09T23:55:00.002-06:00

Its mainly annoying right now more than anything really. I am just tired. This weekend was great, but it wore me out. I didn't get the sleep I wanted Sunday night, so I am still behind on sleep. Its only Tuesday and I am behind on sleep. No idea how I am going to make it through the week. This morning, I think I scared myself when I woke up. A nap. I want a nap. I want to go to sleep early, but my body keeps saying screw you on that one. Early to sleep I am not. I just need to make it through this week. I know I can do it. Ugh. That thirty minutes makes a big difference in the morning.

I am keeping up with my yoga each morning, and I think that may be helping. I hope that I can work up the ability to go run tomorrow. I missed it on Monday, and its going to be rough enough as it it, I can't put it off. I am sure I will be running by myself in the dark, no one wants to run my slow speed, and that is ok, I don't want to slow people down either. I am just hoping I don't fall on my ass out on the trail and hurt myself...or fall asleep there. lol

Great, I'm rambling. Sorry folks, I am sure one of these posts is going to turn out interesting.

Too many ideas

2010-11-08T22:47:00.002-06:00

My mom was really good (most the time) at making a calender of meals. She would write down what she would make every day of the week, sometimes of the whole month. She would even schedule in eating out. I understand why she did it, she had a family of six and you can't go all willy nilly at the grocery store when trying to feed everyone. Every so often I get the urge to do the same. I mean, they say if you plan out your meals you are more likely to stick to them and save money and eat better.

Yesterday, in an attempt to start my week off well, I sat down with a cook book or two...or four...and started looking through them for meals I could make when I got home from work or that I could make ahead of time. I got out a white board to write each day down and then I got some paper to write down the groceries I would need. All seemed fine till I actually started looking for meals.

See, when you have over 20 cookbooks like I do, its very easy to get distracted and pick five things before you even get to the second chapter of the book. So I had grabbed only five books. A 29min meal cookbook, a pasta everyday, a quick and easy Betty Crocker, eat right for the blood type and a Coca-Cola cook book. I thought, one from each. I was wrong.

So I thought I would be smart and pass this task of picking to the boy. Let him be involved since he would be eating it anyway. He didn't do much better then me unfortunately. So I wrote down a bunch of ingredients to get, the pages and meal names and then did nothing. I no longer had time to go to the grocery store. I no longer wanted to get so many ingredients, and then I realized that I wouldn't be able to cook two of the nights anyway!

I tried inviting a friend over for dinner one of the nights, figured that would at least lock in that day, but they never responded, so I am guessing that meal plan sounds bad. lol So I am scrapping it too.

What I think I will have to do is take this week to work it out. Plan it. Schedule my next week. Write it all up. Shop Saturday and then viola, I will have a planned week of meals for the days I am home...and maybe for lunches too.

I wish I had the money AND time (see that catch at the beginning? lol) to just cook a meal from all my cookbooks all the time. Get through them all. ....Hmmm, actually, that might be my new plan. Yes, you saw it as it came to mind. I'm not doing a Julie/Julia thing. Look up there in that paragraph, I have a Coca-Cola cookbook, these aren't spiffy things.

Ok, so starting next week I am going to pick 5 cookbooks and make one meal from each, then do the same the next week and so on until I have gotten trough all my cookbooks, then start again. I would guess this may take a year or two...or three. I think I'll invite people to join me once a week too. Maybe I'll post the week's menu somewhere and my friends can let me know. It'll be easier on my mind that way, because some of these meals are not for just two people. This could be really fun. :) lol

Ok, well, I know I haven't been writing any poetry, I'll try to start working on that tomorrow. For tonight however, I am done. As I was leaving work my boss made it sound like I will have to be in about 40 earlier then what we had previously discussed. This makes it VERY early for me and since I couldn't get to sleep early last night, I was stressed all day and I had a migraine already, I should get to bed 'early' tonight. woot

ACK!!!

2010-11-07T23:47:00.002-06:00

I start a new path tomorrow. I am so very excited for it. And terrified of it. It seems so totally surreal. As if its really not going to happen. ....But I don't have everything I wanted to have done before tomorrow done yet, so of course it will happen. lol

There is lots to write about. There are two blogs still in my edit box. I missed yesterday's post...but ya know, I am going to call today anyway. There is still a massive amount of laundry to put away, nails to fix, showers to take, and nerves to calm. I would probably be worse off if friends hadn't texted and wished me luck or sent me wishes on one of my social pages. I think my conversation with my brother calmed me the most. (I like to pretend his cats have parties when he travels, apparently one of the couch surfers has been hanging around waiting for the next party, but he's not going anywhere till next year. ...This conversation was better before I explained it. lol Sorry.)

I feel lucky. Rushed, nervous, unprepared, but lucky. Kind of wish I had someone here tonight but, eh, such is life, and for what it is, its good. :)

Hope and quick

2010-11-05T23:46:00.002-05:00

I had a lot of blogs. Many ideas for these blogs. These blogs are both plotted out, however, I can't get around to writing them both out before midnight. So I am calling my second cheat blog. This week was actually pretty good for a lot of people this week. Good news, good visits, new opportunities. Positive hope is working. I got the job I wanted. Its a bit surreal for me. So I will move on to hoping that I do a good job. It will be weird to be in an environment where they are all looking out for each other. Where those in charge have a positive attitude. Where change can be made. It'll be weird to be trusted based on my own experiences and actions, and not on those of people that worked there years before me. I'm not sure how to take it. I may be gun shy. But oh, how I am looking forward to it. I am hopeful for a wonderful new beginning. :)

Hope in life

2010-11-04T23:28:00.000-05:00

Hope. We are told without hope that our lives lose a bit of meaning. We are told so often to also stop holding out hope for things. That middle ground doesn't seem to exist.

I had a dream a few nights ago. In this dream someone that I hadn't thought about in a while was there. The right things were said. The right feelings were conveyed. Things lined up as they *should*. Past experiences were addressed and explained. Things were, in short, perfect. A perfect that I didn't know I wanted or thought possible. (Keep in mind, my perfect is realistic, so perfect doesn't mean perfect.) Its hard to say in words the...relief/happiness/hope that was in this dream. Then I woke up. All taken away. As with many good dreams, I had to sit for a while and sort out the facts. Then, as I do, I had to think about it. The worst though, was that feeling that it had been taken away, and with reality, hope for it got taken away too.

How can you not hope for something like that when after you dream it? Isn't it something to keep you going each day? That hope that something like that can happen? Reality, however, tells you that over time, you need to give things up. Stop hoping for things that will never happen.

There may not be a middle ground, but I believe there is a fine line to decide. Things that have moved on in time, that have no chance of happening, I guess, we should logically let go of hope for. We can't stop our hearts or subconscious from hoping, and they may, but we should probably stop. Maybe things like career plans or government can stay on the 'always keep hope' level, because so many things change.

Or hell, I don't know. I am fond of saying "anything is possible," so why should we give up hope about anything? Why is it wrong to hold out hope for something we think can make us happy? ....Because sometimes that hope can make us sad. Such a circle.

Apathy is an absence of hope

2010-11-03T00:55:00.006-05:00

Only two topics, only two areas of study, have held my attention. It gets under my skin when around me and I long for more. Long to do something with it. Writing has. Politics has. My first trip to Washington DC had/has me longing to go back. Not to visit, but to be involved.

Yesterday someone asked me if I was a "big picture or little details" person, I answered honestly,"Both." I see all angles. Especially when it has nothing to do with me personally.This can make getting an answer out of me difficult, but you can guess I've looked at it from all sides. I'm a realist as well when looking at things. NOTHING is perfect. Especially when 'man' is involved. Man is fallible. (This will be brought up again this week. woot!) No one person can change a political system. No one person can create stability. No one can do that alone. But many can. Many people can. This is why parties try to get the majority after all. One rain drop can't drown you, but many can. One person's voice can be silenced, but many can't. You've heard these things before, but many choose to ignore it when it comes to politics.

Now, the loudest people aren't always right. Some people are stupid. Some people are misguided. Some people are selfish. Some people have the belief that their thoughts are the correct ones, and everyone else is a fool. Some people don't care. This doesn't change the fact, that the more people involved, the better the system can be.

I don't think that there is ever just a 'right answer' to what our governments (I say plural, because it goes for all levels) need to do. Or who can do it. We are all individuals. We all have our own opinions. It is naivety on a person's part to think that being of the same party means that everyone of that party believes the same thing. It is naivety to think that any person running for an office is perfect and will always make the correct decision. Its madness to think that anyone could have all the answers. Its madness to expect everyone to know every flaw of anyone running for office. They are people right? They are going to have them. I hold this belief for both (or all) party's members.

This doesn't mean everything is bunk in the system though. I don't think getting more people involved in the process is bad. With more people, more knowledge and more information and more ideas are bound to come. No, everyone won't know everything that is going on. Some people may really only care about one or two things in the government. Discounting their opinions because they don't see the whole picture isn't helping anyone. At least they are making an effort to try and make a better world, if even it is only their vision of a better world.

Playing the 'it doesn't matter' card doesn't work with me either. My sister uses is sometimes and I just don't get that angle. Could you imagine what it would be like if everyone that could vote did? (Take a look some time at the voting rates of other countries, for a country so big on democracy, we are a bit sad.) Maybe if more people showed the initiative to go to a polling center once a year (or once every 2 or 4) than ideas such as getting actual public opinion on policies could take place. Why would they ask the public for their 'official' opinion on things if barely half of the population takes the time to go answer? (Phone and marketing polls are strongly misleading. Depending on how someone phrases a question, or who you ask, can make a poll change over 40%!)

I'm not one to say, if you didn't vote you can't complain. (It may annoy a part of me however.) Of course you can, but what are you doing to make a difference. Complaining only works if you do something about it. If that means volunteering to help people or donating money to a school or taking your time out to help your community, DO IT. Don't judge the people trying to make do with the system we have. They are trying. It allows for people to have opinions. It allows for hope. Some people have hope. Hope that with each election at least one positive thing will come out of it. Some idea will appear with the new elected officials. Apathy does not allow for hope of this.

All I've hoped for is for people to know what is going on and be involved. There is no way to know everything, but in what field does everyone know everything? This is why there are doctors that specialize. Why people publish new findings and ideas in fields. A few years ago I thought I would dedicate one day a week to teaching some basic civics ideas though a blog post. I may start that again. We can never know every bill going out there (this is why elected officials have staffs to help them). We can never know every thought and true motive a politician might have (you don't know that about anyone). The right choices won't always be made (man is fallible). Politicians will make mistakes or do things for personal gain (which is why we can vote them out of office). We can learn about how it all really works. We can see the basic frame work that was laid down and why. We can learn why certain things are done the way they are. From that we can make better decisions. From that, we can be better involved. With that, we can lose this apathy that nothing will ever work or matter, and maybe hope that something will.

New hopes

2010-11-02T23:14:00.002-05:00

I have been without a job for over 2 months now. Last week that hit me hard. Harder then I would like.

Today I had an interview. It was a long one. Most importantly, it was at a location in which I think I could actually be happy. My normal train of thought in areas like this is to not get too hopeful. That way, when the rejection comes, it won't hurt so much. Its not the best way to look at things, but its what I have been trained to do. Like Pavlov's dogs, I learn. But I am hoping this time. I can see this. If I don't get this, it will probably suck. When I walked into it today I thought the job wouldn't be all that much, that it wouldn't matter that much if I didn't get it, that the job was something I could do, but not something I would be 'proud' of, but after hearing more about it, I am excited at the prospect. I want this. I'm going to hope for it.

Hope may be a theme this week. I have started a few blogs regarding the subject of hope. Personal, professional, spiritual. Hope has many angles, some heal, some bruise.

For today, I am going with uplifting hope. I think I've earned it.

A bit of a kick start

2010-11-01T23:34:00.002-05:00

...at least I hope so.

November holds the challenge of blogging every day. I've done this for 2 years now. I'll see how it goes this year. Perhaps if I manage to do this, it will get me back in the swing of things. Add some consistency to my days. At least I am hoping for that.

I have an interview tomorrow and I spend the day prepping, both with clothes and research, so I didn't really plan the theme of today's blog as much as I would have liked to. Heck, I think I almost forgot about it all together! So I will leave todays with an intro and with hopes of better things to come. :)

Its a mental thing

2010-10-14T01:15:00.003-05:00

As most of my friends know, I am stubborn in some things. Sadly, this includes things that a normal person should be able to mentally overcome with time. One bad experience doesn't have to ruin a simple act, yet I somehow hold on to these and associate it over and over. This mental game of mine often effects me physically, making everything worse, thus proving my internal battle that something was wrong in the first place. This can't be right.

Eleven and a half years ago, I went to Montana with my Dad to visit my sister. As was my way, I drove up there so we could stop by all the beautiful nature. On the long drive back to Kansas, we drove back through Yellowstone (side note, that was always me favorite part of the drive. There and back. Anyway...). Each time we drove through we tried to stop by a different 'attraction' in the park. If you have ever been there, you know its huge and there is plenty to see, and each season it is different. Another side note, I love waterfalls. Of all sizes. LOVE them. So we stopped to see one. I thought it was a simple stroll to the top of this waterfall (we were on one of the mountains, so we were high already). Granted, it took a long time to walk down to the vista point, I didn't care/notice because I was so excited about seeing the falls. ...Until we had to go back.

I have exercise induced asthma. Always have. Its a pain in the ass. This means that if I work out, I need an inhaler nearby because my lungs close up. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY FREAKING WEIGHT. God I wish it did. Trust me, this little side note will make sense in a minute.

I, unknown to me, was also pregnant at the time.

After staring at the fall for a while and thinking how BAD it would be to drop my glasses or keys or anything, we started heading back to the car. Keep in mind, we were just driving through, so we weren't in like hiking gear or with water bottles. This is when I started to notice the way back was a switch-back. I didn't know this was what it was called at the time. (A switch-back is when they make a path up a steep hill/mountain by going up in one direction at a 'low' incline, then turns back and goes the other way. Back and forth. Higher and higher. Long slow inclines.) After the SIXTH turn, I was winded. After the 15th turn I was sure I was going to die right there on that mountain. I had no idea how we had gone down so far and not noticed or thought about having to come back up. So with my asthma making me wheeze, the altitude not helping, and everything else, serious bad thoughts. I don't even remember the rest of the journey up, just that we made it.

From this memory, I have it in my head that I can not physically go up a switch-back trail. That they will 'kill' me. That they are too hard physically for me to do or handle. That there is no way I won't have an asthma attack. That I will have to force myself to be able to make it. Funny how time makes you realize why you don't like something.

Out at Clinton Lake, on one of the trails I've been hiking for years, there is a switch-back. Generally, I avoid that area of trail. Hell, I have made my own trail. Never thought about it until I tried running it last week. I got through one full level and my mind told me there was no way I could do it. I didn't even fight it. I just walked it and omg it felt like the weight of the world was pushing against me. It wasn't. It was just a long incline switch-back, not even a quarter of what the path at Yellowstone was.

When I was in high school, for practice for both volleyball and basketball, coaches had us do stair laps in the gym. (We didn't have a stadium.) This was no big deal in 9th or 10th or most of 11th grade. It was just part of conditioning. Wasn't my favorite, but it was doable. Then two years in a row, either for one or both sports, the coach made us run them, not for conditioning, but for punishment. If we didn't win (and oh my God, we almost never won) they made us run them. Over and over. For the whole hour and half of practice.

After a particularly bad basketball game, the coach made us run for each point they beat us by. The other team had 100 pointed us. If you have ever run stair laps (and I mean laps here, not just up and down) then you probably know the likelihood of depth perception to play with your mind. Steps are no longer where you thought they were. Knees are done with bending. Feet hit the wrong spots. You LONG for the short distances between stairways so you can walk (if the coach isn't looking of course). Asthma and stairs also don't mix. Nor does a freshly healed sprained ankle. Or bad knees. lol I was falling apart so young.

Today, I use the stairs when available, but the thought of running stairs...wow, just shoot me. I know there is no coach down there watching me and making me do them and keeping me from playing or getting my letter, but its there in my head. The pain and fear associated with stair laps. Just thinking of doing them makes me start to breath funny. A weird part of me would like to do them again. They are great for training and I need to strengthen my knees, but mentally, I wouldn't be able to do them. I don't know if I would make them up the first level.

I know it's all mental. I have no issues trying to sprint up a rocky steep incline. My knees hurt, but I can go up and down stairs. I know, I really do, that I can physically do them. At least while I sit here and type this out. But get me in either of those situations and you would think I hadn't moved off my couch in years. Mentally, I won't let myself get into those situations again. Makes me think of how, once you get sick off eating something, you can never eat it again because your mind associates it with you getting sick. I don't know, I just wish it wasn't such a mental thing. I would like to think that with time, it would get better...but you have to try them first.

Let it all out, or keep it in

2010-10-07T16:17:00.003-05:00

As with so many things, I think there is a fine line or balance to talking things out. There are some things, that if I don't talk about it, if I don't get it out there, it slowly eats at me and makes me miserable. On the other hand, I know there are some things I don't want to talk about with anyone, or you have to drag it out of me, and even then I don't want to talk about it. I don't need to because talking about it makes it worse then talking about it could.

The "little" day to day things are what I need to get out. The little annoyance here and there. The stupid things someone said or did. Its magical really, once I get it out (maybe two/three times) I no longer care. It becomes more annoying to think about it after I talk about it. Its free of me. If I don't share though, if I keep those in, it just sort of festers, and I start some running internal tally of all the 'wrongs done to me' and this builds until its a weird, unnecessary problem. Granted, sharing most of those little annoyances can sometimes make me sound....bitchy? No one wants to sound like that. So I either try and spread it around, or share with just one or two people consistently. (Sorry if you are one of them, just means I trust you a LOT. lol)

I was eating with a friend the other day and I had asked them about their day. They started telling me about some little annoyances someone was causing. I was understanding of their position and mentioned it must be kind of annoying. They said only when they talk about it. I changed the subject, but...I have to wonder is that how it works for some people? They wouldn't be annoyed by things unless they have to talk about it and then they realize how its annoying? Or they can let it go unless they have to talk about it and then they are reminded how it annoys them? Is it easier for some people to just not share things that bother them?

There are some personal feelings and thoughts I don't like to share. I may elude to them at times, but overall, I don't want to talk to anyone. Part is I can't vocalize it properly and I know it won't help, because I can't see how talking it out will help. lol Who knows if it it really would, but I know the thought of talking about certain things makes me sick to my stomach and antsy or upset. It puts me in a mood I guess. ....But logically, I know its still just sitting there waiting to be let out. That if I opened up and shared, who knows, it might be easier to deal with, but some of the big things aren't ready for me to let out yet.

There are some people who never share anything personal if they can help it. Its like pulling teeth or when they do, you have to wonder if you tricked them. Its interesting how we, as people, can vary so much on this. The push pull of needing to share or not share at all. The break between it helping or hindering our growth as a person. The realizing when it will help and letting it be out there.

People are such interesting things.

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.....hmmm, I may have to come back with a poem. I've been sitting on this all day and nothing has come to me yet. It will after I publish this. :)

Limits to multi-tasking

2010-10-05T11:21:00.003-05:00

So much to do. Ok, not *have* to do, but want to do. One would think I could accomplish multiple things at a time. I have some pod casts and language tapes I want to listen to/brush up on. I have yoga to do and working out. One would think those two can be done together. But no. You can't relax and stretch in yoga if you are thinking about something else. You lose count of reps if you are working out. Or you forget to listen to whatever it is and get utterly lost. Its a bit annoying actually. It would seem like the perfect time to do both.

I can think of creative things to write or story plots while I clean, but I can't write them down. If I stop to write them down, I need to focus on that instead. Needless to say I either get things cleaned or I forget what I was thinking. Doesn't seem fair to me. (I've tried a recorder, same thing happens, I have to stop to record and then focus on recording, I might as well write it down.)

These aren't horrible problems by any means. Its just annoying to me, because I like to multi-task when I can. I want to try and start getting all these things done that I want to, before I no longer have the time. :)

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Everything happens for a reason

They say it all the time

Could be snow in the wrong season

But surely it will be fine

Because nothing happens just because

Everything has the silver lining

What will happen, just does

With no coaxing of our own

Everything happens for a reason

hmmm....lol maybe I should have left the preamble of 'this poem may suck' for this one.

Its been a while

2010-10-04T15:38:00.002-05:00

I wish I could say there hasn't been much to say, but there has. I wish I could say I am up for talking about it on here, but I can't. I keep waiting for a non-horrible year to come along. Oh hell, who am I kidding. I would be grateful for a few consecutive non-horrible months. No issues with the boy. No issues with my heart. No issues with my health. No issues with working out. No issues with bills. No issues with money. No issues with my job. No issues with electronics or machines or cars. No issues with family. No issues with friends. I guess that seems like a lot to ask for huh? Maybe I could have like a few weeks then. One blissful month.

Whine, whine, whine. We all want that. None of us are any different in wanting a fair and simple life sometimes. I have whined a bit here and there on Twitter. Apparently, for a while, I was doing a good job of just being emo. I don't want to be that person though. ...and the funny thing is, I censored so much of what I *wanted* to say. I don't think I can pretend to be Miss Suzy Sunshine, and I don't think my friends are asking that of me...but when all you have is no news too tell people or only sad news...you lose that connection.

I want to have some story about my LIFE to tell people. Not the random or daily complaints. I want to tell them about the experiences in my life. I want to have something to talk about. Not having a job...not having that constant is weird for me. I have been reluctant to try and fill that hole as well. I don't know why. I guess because I feel like it should be filled with another JOB, not just things I am doing. But that is just silly and I need to get over it. I need to get back to my writing. I have (sadly) all this free time. I should be done with my book by now. So, I expect a few more chapters to be done this month....at least one this week. I am going to brush up on writing by getting back to my blog(s). I will find something to write I am sure. I have so many out there (sorry, not sharing them all) and I can do things with them. I can finish something daily.

I started my 'business' Those Polish Thingies. I guess my issue with that was that it was only going to be a side project. I was going to slowly build maybe, and I was going to ENJOY it. Right now, its almost like I am secretly angry at it because that is all I have to focus on that gets me out of the house...and that the majority of what I could do with it ended last week with the last of the Farmers Markets. I am planing a big Polish Feast for this month, and truthfully, the pessimistic side of me is thinking it is a waste of time and money. No one will come and no one will pay. I hate that feeling. A lot. I hate having to fight it. I hate how I cycled back to whining. lol

My friends (and lots of strangers) have said they like my product, so that is a good thing...there is just so much to put into it...and so much $ needed to do what everyone thinks I should be doing. Sad thing is....I don't have that extra cash at the moment because of the lack of a job. I will make it work though. Somehow. I just have to not let myself self sabotage. Right? :)

People keep telling me to enjoy this time. That it happened for a reason. That good things are coming. I generally nod my head to this, but not internally. I can't reason the good like everyone wants me too. I'm going to try and do that this month. The way things look, I may be out of a job for a while, so I need to focus on those things I do well and focus on learning those things that I want to learn. I was given a 'fall vacation'. I haven't had a down time in a long long time, so they are right. I should use it.

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Ugh, I haven't written poetry in months. Very unlike me, so I have no idea what is about to come out...if anything. Hopefully its not too horrible. :) lol

Rocks, Water, Time

Rocks are unmoving

There are reasons they say

Things are set in stone

They don't move on their own

They don't sway from their spot

Rocks are unmoving

Water is fluid

It moves where it wants

Does what it wants

Pushes its way through

It doesn't care about rocks in the way

Water is fluid

Rock may be stubborn

But Time works with Water

Erosion happens to the strongest of Rocks

Till even they give way to fluid nature

2010-07-28T00:57:00.001-05:00

sitting here alone
thinking of what I've done
what I've avoided
what I've yet to do
oh how strange music
and strangers around us
make us think
of the places in our lives
of feelings we can't back away from
thoughts we sought to ignore
people in and out of our lives
past and present uniting
not wanting to be here
but too late to turn back
when is the time to start new
to start fresh and forget
when we didn't want to remember
in the first place.

Truth is I'm terrified

2010-06-20T02:05:00.001-05:00

So much change. So much has happened. So much that needs to happen. I feel backed into a corner and I am fighting my way out. but in that struggle I also have to fight me. Fight complacently. Fight the self sabotage and doubt. Oh no, I couldn't just leave it to fight the world only.

I'm not so much terrified, but concerned that I'm going to WAY over think something a friend said to me. I probably shouldn't, bit well, its me, I'm going to want to understand.

There are roads around me. There's the road that I am on. Just like everyone else I have no idea what is right or if its the right path. I want to be on the correct one. I don't want to let opportunities go by anymore in any area of my life. I've just always been so bad about reading the signs until its too late though. Sometimes I need someone to tell me, especially if they are on the same road, where we are going. I seem to only be able to take charge when I know no one else will.

hmm...lol, maybe I should stop rambling and try to sleep....its just been a long time since I've just sat outside and enjoyed a storm. They energize me and inspire me like nothing else...wish it would take away doubt with the passing clouds too. :)

I cried on my way to work

2010-06-14T16:02:00.001-05:00

And I am still sitting in the car. I am already three hours late, I should go in. I need to pay bills and feed the kid, but I started having a panic attack on my way there. It could be a mix of car drama, life drama, and the job...but I didn't start freaking out about the car. Just driving here. Thinking about going in and dealing with things I don't want to. Dealing with yet another change of policy. Another idea. All I want is my exit. Damn it, I have earned my exit from there. It shouldn't be as stressful, or even more so, than it was when I started. Why is this job still in my life!? Maybe I'm a masicist, and since I can't be in a shitty relationship, I stay in a job that treats me like shit. I'm tired of stressing from this place. oh dear God I don't want to go in there. :'(

And there it is

2010-06-13T16:44:00.002-05:00

So I haven't been on in a while, even though I said I was going to go back to being back all normal like. Its not that I haven't had access to a computer, but my computer that I write on, the one I had just gotten back, decided that it wanted to have a virus on it. A big ol' nasty virus that I couldn't stop. I have been hoping to get someone to help me get my info off the hard drive and then wipe it clean and start over, but it hasn't been easy to hold anyone down to it. Besides, I use a Window's OS, and my friends are snobs :P and only like Macs. lol So, I am biding my time. I really want the stuff off my hard drive and I am really not prepared to spend the money on a new computer just yet. This brings me back the computer I can use. It works. Its handy. It travels and I like it. But when I am writing, my big ol' fingers can't seem to hit the right buttons and so I don't like writing a lot on here. But not writing anything is getting to me just as much. lol Go figure.

I considered making this a dumping ground blog post, but figured I would give people warning before hand. :) I'm nice that way. lol Hope everyone is doing well. I am sure I will get back in to the swing of things here soon. fingers crossed.

How long can I go with no job?

2010-05-24T11:35:00.002-05:00

So, situations change. Stuff happens. I know all this. I also know that generally, down the road, the things that end up feeling like they sucked the most end up working out ok or for the best..I just don't see it that way for a while. lol

Sadly, my job that I was using as the stepping stone to escape my old job, is coming to an end. By the end of this week. I thought I would have more time, but... So here I am, and the question is, do I still take a week or two of only full time at the afternoon job and see what I can make happen? I could use that time to actually study or write. The schedule for job 2 isn't up at all for next month. I could go in and say I want 40 hours (ok, only 37 because they are that way) but...seriously, the thought of that sends me into panic attacks. But what else? If it was just me, I'd say whatever, but I have a kid to think of. I have bills. I don't know what to do here. I would sort of like to keep part of my soul.

I am really considering buckling down, and getting some learning in the next two weeks. Maybe upping my hours there a little bit, but overall, still keeping the morning free. I would have to be focused and all. But I think I could do that. Not sure what all the studying will get me. Don't really see it getting me a job right away...but Idk...maybe a start...and we all have to start somewhere right? :(

I don't do it...

2010-05-19T10:55:00.002-05:00

I don't do it all that often, but sometimes I pull the girl card, and I hold it there and don't let go. By girl card I also mean 'old fashioned' or what not. I do this a lot in regards to relationships, and honestly, I try every now and then to change this, but either by results or lack of, I just go back to the 'old way'.

What does that mean? It means I have big issues being the asker-outer. I can hint really well I think, but the vocalization, at least the first time, not so much. That girl card I can put to the side sometimes though. This other one, not so sure. I've only been able to do that once really. I can't make the first move with someone. No matter how much I may want to kiss someone, I don't. I can't make that first move. Going in for a hug is about the extent I can go, and even then I hold back sometimes. I know, its something I should get over and God only knows if I didn't have this 'debilitating' mentality, who knows where I would be or who I would be with. My not trying to kiss you in no way means I am not interested. Me not putting my hand on your leg does not mean that ever fiber of my being isn't wanting to do so. I just don't. I don't make the first move. Its not something that I bring up, so no one is going to know. Its weird. Its me. And although lately this bothers me, there is not much I can do about it.

I'm sure we all have that one thing that we won't do, that anyone else would find silly. These are just mine. These are my girly cards.

Where is my white knight?

2010-05-13T09:44:00.002-05:00

I don't need massive amounts of attention from a guy, just enough to know he cares/is thinking of me/gives a damn. I don't *need* a guy to take care of me. I do however, have this need for a white knight. I need a guy that is going to come in and "save" me when things go wrong. The one that comes in the middle of the night to change my tire. Who'll wake up and help jump my car when the battery is dead. That will stop the creepy guy (or hell, even me from me when I am too drunk) from bothering me. I don't think my vision of a white knight is too big to be able to be done. But I totally yearn for it with my being.

Where is my white knight?

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Start Again

Its hard to start again

To bring to surface what you forgot

Its hard to pick up

Just where you thought you'd left off

Its hard to believe it was easy

But you can look back and see that it was

Its hard to do things different

When you got used to an easier way

Its hard to start again

But your heart often doesn't give you a choice.

Simple

2010-05-12T00:01:00.002-05:00

I'm sorry for the emotions,

That can't be kept at bay.

I'm sorry for not always accepting,

When someone doesn't feel that way.

I'm sorry that the world I live in

Is made up of what I want to see.

I'm sorry this way of living

So often conflicts with simple reality.

I'm sorry that things confuse me

That are so easy for everyone else to know.

I'm sorry that I stay subconsciously hopeful

When the world around me says no.

I'm sorry I'm not simple,

Even if you believe me to be.

I'm sorry I can't be what everyone thinks,

Because, really, that's simply me.

Why do I bother?

2010-04-11T00:04:00.002-05:00

I find myself saying "why do I bother?" way more often then I would like. One would think, that I would be able to stop 'bothering' with it all. Yet I do anyway. This is really pissing me off. Mainly at myself...and also because I can see another friend as right when they told me that...eh, never mind, that friend was just right I think and that is shitty. Other friends are right and THAT is just shitty. I am right, and that is just shitty. So why the hell do I bother?!?

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Always up in the air
Never sure where to land
The bottom is easy to see
Not quite floating
And not allowed to rest
Tumbling through at other's whim
Take control of the air
Pick a place to land
Good or bad you choose it
Screw those that don't allow it
No rhyme to the reason of your unease
Should not be something to let yourself stress

Focus, insanity, hard truths

2010-04-08T15:30:00.002-05:00

Two weeks into January my main computer decided to stop working. Two weeks into January I started a second job. Two weeks into January I got my first ticket. Two months into the year, my car got hit. Two months into the year, a friend said something to me that through me for a loop of sadness/confusion. Two months into the year I apparently was tired of losing weight, and decided to gain a whole lot back. Two months into the year, I started fighting the feelings. For the third month of the year, I just existed. I wrote, but only on a private site. This year has been anything but simple for me. From what I hear, its the same for everyone. Sorry everyone, but its all going to be ok. Right?

Thankfully I got a netbook from my new job, so I have been able to be online and do things, but its just not the same as focusing at my computer. The full keyboard not mocking my huge fingers and typing the wrong things. I miss access to my pictures. To my old writings. To all my freaking passwords. My music. I want my computer back. Its throwing off my routines and what I do. The monitor wasn't responding so a friend loaned me theirs, sadly this did not make it work. From what they can tell me it sounds like a video card. So now I have to get one of those. Here's the uncomfortable part for me, I know I have friends that can help. I have friends that are willing to help I am sure. But I hate asking. I hate having to say the words fully to them. In due parts because I don't want to be a pain and because I hate it even more when someone says no. (Or yes, and then I wait around for help that never comes and then I never ask/remind and then there is this cycle of bothering people and blah!!!) So needless to say, I still can't use my computer. I am VERY hopeful that the part can be found and then maybe, just maybe, I can use it again. Pretty please world?

The being able to be where ever I think it messing with my focus...along with everything else of course.

So for the insanity...ugh, its totally just me. Me warring with myself yet again. Its what I do I guess. Rational thought fights emotional thought fights hopes fights reality fights future fights past. All leaving me sort of ...floating and not sure where I should be landing. What is there to hope for and what is there to leave behind. What dreams to pursue and what ones to finally let them go. No one likes letting go of a dream. Especially ones we've held on to for a long time. So that alone doesn't make me insane. Ok, I'm not REALLY insane, but when I can't steer my mind in the direction I think (KNOW) it should go, I seriously question myself.

Hard truths play into this. On April Fools I always say something...witty? lol....to one of my friends. She then knows its April Fools, because its generally some nonsense about the guy I am talking to/seeing. This year I didn't send her anything. She noticed and gave me crap. Hours later I texted her back telling her I was completely over someone and was never talking to them! Sadly, we both knew it was my April Fools and that only she would get that. The worst part of typing that text out was the truth of it...the truth of how false it was. Some people just hang on to our hearts when they have no right to be there. That's the hard truth. This person has no right to be in my heart. They never really earned it I suppose. This whole situation isn't as big as it sounds, its just a small thing, but its what I do. I let people have a part of me that don't deserve it. Its a hard truth to see that sometimes. I don't really like that either.

In an attempt to get back on track, I am having a game night. Granted, its a big game night again. I used to have biweekly little ones with just like five people. Those were fun. Sorry, lol off track. Anyway, having that game night. I need to clean the house. I would like my place to not be horrible when guests get there. I have the MS Walk on Saturday morning so I won't have time to clean then, so its all now. My house isn't horrible, but it did accumulate some clutter over the winter months, and I would like to fix that. I want to clear out some space. Of course, I also don't want to just toss it either. It all needs good homes. Suppose I shouldn't worry so much, my friends should just like me for all I am...clutter in corners included.

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The Hardest Part

Things are never as you expect them
The happiest become the saddest
The closest friends become the most distant
The slow day moves fast
The game is turned before it starts
The day ends
The day begins
Things are never as you expect
Sometimes the hardest part is not saying goodbye,
But saying Hello.

Day five

2010-03-31T23:13:00.002-05:00

so, I don't talk about the thing I am not going to talk about. I'm not going to talk about how I feel like I am clinging to friends because I need to be around other people, even though every fiber of my being is telling me to go home and just curl in a ball. I'm not going to talk about how I have been physically forcing myself to not let the tears fall for no apparent reason at least four times a day. I'm not going to talk about how I want to talk about it, but I don't talk about it and I don't want to bring others down. I don't want to talk about it because I don't want to talk about it and don't even know how. I don't want to talk about what I need from people, because I never ask. I'm not going to talk about it. Because I never talk about it. I just let it run its course and hold on for dear life and hope it passes without any major damage. I don't want to talk about it because I want to believe it isn't effecting me or my life. I don't want to talk about it, because if I do I should be talking to my go-to. I don't want to talk about it because I've been avoiding it this long, why spread it around. I don't want to talk about it...but I'm tired of keeping it in, and if I just let it out, since I can't have my way in other things, it will go away.

Cycles

2010-02-24T22:34:00.001-06:00

"Those that don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it." I think we've all heard that said a hundred times in our lives. Of course they are generally commenting on the world in general and politics and war. It works well for life too though and that maybe you have to repeat it so many times before you can actually learn. We can say we've learned when we are down on our knees in pain or regret, but when the situation pops up again in a different form, we may not be much better off.

I know I am not immune to not following this, along with many people I know. We make the choice over and over again in our lives. We find it was the wrong one. After a few times in life, we may even see the similarities. We start to notice the things in life we should avoid or learn from...but we aren't quite done with the lesson, so we go around again. After all, its not exactly the same, so we don't have to compare. ...By the way, I think I am going to rely a bit heavier on listening to friends on this one, they see the similarities faster then you or I because they aren't that close to it.

Relationships are a great example of this. Its like we have to have it drilled in our heads time and again what is bad for us, what we don't need, before we start to actually see when a relationship or friendship is bad for us. We like to think we know what is going on. That we did learn from it the last time. "This situation or that, that seems so closely related, really isn't anything like it." We believe that we aren't going to fall for it again, but what that saying doesn't remind us is that history can be comfortable.

We start something, we may see those warning signs we saw the last time, but it feels 'right'. I think that feeling of 'right' comes from the fact that it is familiar. People like what is familiar and comfortable. What we know. We know what hurt us. These new situations though, they are not all bad. Parts of it are good, ignoring the things staring us in the face. Besides, we know better right? We won't fall for something again. We've 'learned'....until we see that we haven't.

We start the cycle of a bad habit. Just one time here or there, we forget why its so bad. Then it hits us why its just as bad as the last time. Why there are some things we have to give up completely, because they only hurt us. Then we have to find a way to recover. We vow to never do it again. We learned.

Sometimes it seems we never learn.

I think in some things though, I took that saying to heart too strong. I know that. I have had a few of those relationships, that to this day, I sit in amazement that I was still in one with the person. I let them treat me that way. I let myself feel that way...why? How many times did I do the naive thing? I believed I wasn't doing it to myself again and then there I was, shocked and amazed at my own stupidity. So I think a few years ago, after my last go round of seeing how 'stupid' I was, I went to the polar opposite. I won't fall for that again. I won't. Easiest way, don't fall for anything. I want to break the cycle. I don't think I realized that was what I was really doing until a few weeks ago when I started this blog. (Yeah, for as poorly written as it is, its a long time in the works. Sorry. lol) I can make all the excuses I want, but I have realized that I have a sever blind side to some things. To how I let people treat me. So I avoid some of those situations as best I can. Someday, maybe someone will be worthy enough for me to try it out again.

This doesn't mean I don't feel anything. Sadly, I think at times its the opposite. lol I don't think learning from something can take away the way base of the situation. Of feelings and gut instincts. I am just being pickier then anything, because in my mind, that is what I learned from history.

Cycles are all around us. The ebb and flow of what we have going on in our lives and those of the lives around us. Happy. Sad. Indifferent. Its the cycles that are bad for us that are usually the hardest to break. No matter how much we've learned from it.

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Cycle

Oh how we cycle back
To feelings lost and feelings found
Happiness to sadness
Joy to anger
So quickly it passes through the day
One moment a feeling rules your vision
One moment the feeling is but a memory
Oh how we cycle back
To things we don't want to deal with
Of ways of showing anger
With no words at all
Of inflicting pain on others
When we think they deserve it
Oh how we cycle back.

It bothers me, what can I say?

2010-02-22T23:01:00.002-06:00

Someone said something to me the other day and honestly, I can't forget it. Its just ringing in my ears. It hurt me to the core more then I could have realized. I don't know if it was how it was said or who it was that said it, but it hurt. I have been reeling ever since trying to make it not have any effect. To pretend that it was all ok...but it wasn't. It hurt. It was such a shocking slap to my face I don't know if I even felt it fully when it happened. There is it. I am sure, like most things, I will let it pass. I will 'forget it'. But for right now, those words echo in my head, and I just wonder if that is what people really think of me.

I know I have issues from childhood that creep up into situations such as these, where I have to wonder if I am reacting properly. If I am being overly sensitive. I think I am deciding this is a little of both.

So, if I am little quieter. A little more vague. Know, that I'll more than likely get over it soon, but for now, I am just licking my wounds.

I like to learn, what can I say?

2010-02-18T22:31:00.002-06:00

I have always, I don't know, prided myself on knowing a little bit of everything. Sort of like a modern day courtier. I know enough words, I listen to context, and generally I can hold my own in situations where I am not an expert. A lot of the time, this little bit of knowledge leads to a thirst for more though.

As silly as this would sound to some of my current friends, I did design/create a few websites...but it was back in '96, and after the host server was shut down, I didn't really think about it. I did know that I had enjoyed do it. With technology though, you know nothing is really the same. So many things have changed. I might as well be using 5" floppies.

Enter my new job. I am not responsible for any of that. I don't do any of that. I listen everyday though. The ease that these terms and processes fall off people's lips...its like a secret drug to me. I don't like not knowing. I want to know what they are talking about. I want to be able to hold my own. (Beyond the simple fact, that knowing this will help me do a better job.)

So today, I jotted down words that I have let pass over before. Basic words for them I am sure, but more of a wtf are they really talking about for me. I enjoyed looking it all up and learning. Granted, I would be happier talking it over with someone and 'hearing' it. Reading it all doesn't always do it for me until I see or hear it in practice. Its a slow process, and I don't expect to know it all, but I am hoping to get a bit closer to not being completely lost. lol

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The More

The more I fight it
The more I try to ignore it
The more I try to control it
The more it just gets messed up
The more it all seems lost
The more it all seems helpless
The more I think it won't matter
The more it seems to play a part

Suppose I could tell people...

2010-02-17T21:16:00.000-06:00

So, long and short of it, I am Catholic. There is a lot that goes into that statement, and maybe someday I will blog about it here, but for now, that is just a basis statement. Today is Ash Wednesday. For many that signifies the beginning of Lent. Ashes on the forehead. Fasting. Giving things up. Its a show for some.

I'm somewhere in the middle here. The tradition of Ash Wednesday and the Lenten season has gone through cycles in my life. (Btw, cycles is the theme of the blog I keep putting off! Crazy that.) I have been the child that was told what to do and given up the allotted candy and pop (that was a failed one lol). I did the whole "I will be nicer to my sister. I will clean my room. I will do the dishes." I evolved and devolved in all of this. I grew up and learned deeper meanings. I grew up and ignored it all because a priest made me angry. I've had a lot of changes to how I approach this liturgical season.

About 9 years ago that changed. I was working at a church. Each year I got to hear the 'crazies', I heard the 'ChraEasters', I heard the old and the young. All the questions. All the bs. I heard the priest talk. I heard the 'insider' information if you will. I came to see the season not as something where I go around and tell everyone what I am giving up. Mainly, because that's not what it is all about.

Its about changing yourself. Transforming over 40 days into something better. To sound...corny?...its to transform yourself into something better for God. To use the gifts that you were given. To take advantage of the good in your life. To focus on making yourself a better person mentally and physically. Almost like a thank you for what you have been given. To see for 40 days what you have and to be grateful, and show that gratitude by taking care of it.

Its not a time to tell everyone what you are giving up though. There is a bible passage (seriously, I don't quote, I can just tell you its there and hope to paraphrase close enough) that says something along the lines of "if you are fasting, do not moan and complain. Bathe, comb your hair, smile. Those that crumple their clothes and complain and get attention, have already gotten what they want (that being attention). If you are donating money, do so privately. Don't parade all that you have done or will do. Those that do have already gotten their reward. (again, attention) If you are going to pray, do so privately with God. Those that shout it out their prayers are already getting what they want. (attention)" It goes on, but that has always stayed with me. (This one I've known about forever.) I don't go into this season wanted to tell people what I am doing or why or how. I just want to do it silently. I want to do it for me and God.

Of course, I won't lie, many times I also won't share or even hint, because I am not sure what I will do until Ash Wednesday anyway. lol

This year however, I think I will share. I won't bring it up...and I would rather you not if you are around me. (If I fail at something, its my failure between me and God...that's it.) I think that too many people focus on the 'what are you giving up' aspect though. It doesn't have to be.

This year, I am going to work hard at following the fasting rules. Its really not THAT hard. Two smallish meals and one normal meal, no snacking. That's it. Why? Because it takes 4 months to lose 20lbs, but 2 weeks to gain it. I was given a working body. A body that was meant to go out and do things. A healthy body. I don't need to over feed it. I need to make it healthy and use it properly. So I am also 'dedicating' workouts. Meaning, I will be working out more.

I'll have time to work out more, because I am going to be doing less 'time wasters'. One of those being TV. I went a whole year watching maybe an hour a week and now I am up to like 20 a week. This won't do. I am missing out on time I could spend using the talents I have. Which means I need to write more. Read more. Learn more. There is a big world that I have been given the opportunity to live in, I want to share with it and I want to absorb what I can from it.

I need to spend time with people that matter to me. Go on walks with the boy. Share with him more. Spend time with my family. Take advantage of the fact that they are so close. Spend time with friends. God sent each of them to me for a reason. Spend time with myself...but not with the TV...this goes back to writing or reading more. I run around and around and don't even see what I am doing.

Go to church. Honestly, one of the only reasons I am not going now is the time. I hate waking up early and I hate finding parking at the other church. So I don't go. That is not so much a good reason. lol I am going to be realistic, but I really am going to attempt at going weekly again.

Donate my time. I signed up for an MS Walk here in a month. If you want to help me with my goal click here.Its not a lot, but its one thing. I'm going to look into donating time at EKan or Habitat this year too. Not just for the season.

I have stuff...I don't need that much stuff, but other people could use it. I'm going to look into moving some of this 'stuff' to people that could use it. Goodness knows I have enough clothes of various sizes in my garage that could clothe a family of 4. lol

I don't make tons of money, but I make enough that instead of eating out four times a week maybe I could save that money and donate it to an organization that I trust that can do some good.

Stop eating out so much! lol (See how I make it all tie together?) I want to spend time with friends, and inevitably, that means eating out, but I need to cut back the rest of the time spent with the restaurant industry. I say now, that I plan on have sushi EVERY Friday...hopefully with friends. :) Beyond that, we'll see. I won't 'budget' I see where I am. I can make P&J. I LIKE P&J. lol

Remember how to pray. I used to pray a lot. Not daily. Not 'devoutly'. Yet it was regular. My prayers were more like conversations. One sided as it may be, but they were open. Its weird thinking about how much better I felt when I did that.

So there...that is what I am doing for Lent...and hopefully the 40 days will create a habit that stays with me after. Because being a better member of society, being a better friend, a better mom, a better sibling/daughter, a healthier person...these aren't bad things to be.

I won't ever ask you what you are giving up. Or even more to my point, simply what you plan to do. Its up to you. Its a personal thing. If you need help share, but otherwise I see no need to proclaim it. We are human. We are fallible. That is why we are given 40 days every year to try and start again and be that new person on Easter. :)

Sorry so long, but that is what Caroline has been thinking.

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The thoughts they keep me up

2010-02-16T00:18:00.002-06:00

I actually had this week's blogs planned out. The topics I was going to write about. Even had an outline for one. That one was going to be today's...but idk, I'm not feeling it right now. I feel like rambling...but I don't want to. I just have things running through my head and I want it to stop. Nothing is connecting to anything else, its just there.

I am going between the facts that I am tired, that I am cold, that I am sore, that I am hurt, that I want to write a chapter in my book by Wednesday, to bills, to jobs, to friends, to the cycles of life, to the boy, to cleaning, to my car, to my family, to politics, to people's beliefs in politics, to books, to things I know are going on out there, to what I think is happening, to what I know is happening, to things I can't change, to things I can. Damn. It almost sounds like I am crazy. I'm not. I just can't make it stop. I'm half tempted to take some NyQuil just so I can sleep. None of this should be taking up my time or my mind, but add it all up and Vola!

Sort of want to call up a friend just so I can listen to someone else for a while. lol

That my friends, is what Caroline's been thinking today.... and oddly enough, typing it all out, seems to have eased my mind. I think I can sleep now. WOO HOO!!

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I've not been posting any poems lately. I think in taking that break, I became afraid. I still write them, but now I am second guessing putting them on here. I have no idea why.

I'm really not a child

2010-02-15T00:15:00.000-06:00

It could just be me, or it could really be happening, but is seems people around me, friends or what have you, have taken to treating as a child at times. Telling me what to do, think, say, eat. Generally I guess when things people do annoy me, I simply ignore it and it will either go away or I will keep ignoring it. However, the past few weeks, with the mixture of schedule changes, stress, lack of sleep and my own inner battles, these little....orders, are pissing me off to no end. Well, maybe not to no end, but its setting my nerves to raw in an instant instead of just bubbling under the surface. Part of me feels bad when/if I do show my annoyance, but the other part of me wants to go WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE!?

Minus my son, we are all adults. I accept that. I also accept, even if I doesn't make me overly happy, that I am older then 90% of the people I talk to, work with, and hang out with. I have a lot of experience in my own world. I know what's good for me and what is not. I know my limits. I know my weaknesses and downfalls. Yes, like all people, at times I will ask for help, or advice...this does not mean I need someone to hold my hand or scold me in public. Seriously, it drives me crazy. It crosses the line of friendship and caring into the condescending realm.

Overall, I love my friends. They all have strengths and weaknesses. They all mean something to me. They will all make mistakes. They won't all always get along or like each other. Its life. I get it. I wouldn't want to be here without my friends.

But lately...I could do with just a little less 'parenting' from some of them. Ah well.
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Valentine's Day

2010-02-14T23:48:00.003-06:00

Valentine's Day. I write a post every year about this day. Its not a post about couples. Or against couples. Or being single. Its a post against the 'commercialization' of the day.

Depending on which resource you go to, you will get a different description of St. Valentine and what he did. In nearly all of them though, its a story of him helping two people to be able to share their love. To use his goodness to help others for love. To help a family.

I take this as a simple, show my friends and family that I love them. Its not a day just for candy or flowers or cards (even if those are nice lol). Its a day to look at the people in your life and let them know you care about them. That's all.

Granted, my next post will have you questioning this, but if I know you, I care about you, and I am glad to know you and I am grateful that you are in my life.

Happy St Valentine's day. :)
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So.....anyone still out there?

2010-02-12T00:16:00.002-06:00

My one month off turned into a bit longer. Each day of this month has begun with the intention that I will get back at it. I will compose something. I will create. I will release feelings and frustrations and hopes onto a piece of paper (or web page as you can see). Each day I found an excuse. I'm tired, I have things to do, I have a 'plan'. Each of them are bull shit reasons. I know it. I am just being lazy and I am just avoiding. I know that when I get down to it, I will write what I am thinking. I will write how I feel. And whether I want others to actually know what I am thinking, there are one or two out there that will ask that probing question that will just knock me on my ass or make me face things I don't want to. And that is not a good reason to avoid writing. It always gets out in the end anyway. Even when I see that I have written from not a good place, but from that 'raw, exposed emotions and need to just get it out' place that can be taken the wrong way by others and I get that nervous feeling after and the fear of the repercussions....I am still ok. I survive. Because those that need to understand do. Those that don't actually know me, maybe find they can relate...or at least think 'thank God its not me'. I miss my daily groove. I miss this. How on earth did I lose time to do it?

I am still alive...

2010-01-19T00:09:00.002-06:00

I do still have things to talk about, but I decided to take a month off. I need to settle some things. I will probably cheat and write one anyway, but for now, I am taking a month vacation. Besides, I still need to get over how I misspelled a word in my last title and still haven't gone back to fix it. lol I never said I was a good speller!!

My reflecytion on the year OR I will NOT say 2010 will be better

2009-12-31T16:43:00.002-06:00

Its been one heck of a year, and if I've learned anything this year, its don't say next week/month/year will be better!!! Its like a challenge to fate to screw it all up worse. Its hard, but I am just going with it. Crappy things happen and I just have to roll with them and remember that it will pass, like everything else. I am trying to keep in mind some good sayings like 'without pain and hardship, how would we know what joy is?', stop making the wrong people priorities in your life Or

"Most people treat the present moment as if it were an obstacle that they need to overcome. Since the present moment is life itself, it is an insane way to live." ~Eckhart Tolle

Over all this year, I wrote a lot, but not nearly as much as I wanted. I shared more poems then I expected too as well. (For some of them I am sorry you had to see them. lol) Its a joy of mine to write, and I am grateful that I have friends out there that encourage me. The notebooks and reminders are bigger pushes then you can imagine.

It amazes me, how at 'my age' (no, I am not OLD, just older then I was last year) how things still surprise me, hurt me, bring me simple joy. This year was a strange one for my heart and mind. Its a blessing and a curse to know that anything can effect you. lol When things effect me negatively, I wish so much that it wouldn't, but then I see how things effect me positively, and I am grateful my heart is that way. I've never been one to really actively search for someone. I sort of did once and eh. Not sure if this is something I should change or not actually, but for now, its ok. I'm in the same spot leaving this year as I was coming into it. lol Go figure.

Money is stupid, so I am not going to talk about that..other then I still say you ban UMB from your life.

My job. Oh my job. Seven years. Stayed when I shouldn't. Went through a lot. Actually took an active roll in looking for a new job. Got some interviews. Turned down a job or two. Accepted a position with a local company that I feel is going to be great. I'm excited about it. Scared about leaving a job I've been at 7 years. Sad to be leaving. Relieved to be leaving. Oh, and HAPPY. :)

Well, I am meeting friends for dinner in 30 and I still need to get ready. oops. But I also believe in 'so goes the eve so goes the year' so if I want to be writing all year..... :)
So for now, hope you all have a great New Year's Eve. Talk to you next year. Be safe and smile.

Just keep fighting it

2009-12-13T23:18:00.004-06:00

I've been fighting with something for a while, and inevitably, it leads me to fighting with other things as well. Lately its been a tug between wanting to spend time with friends and people in general to just wanting to hide out at home curled up in a ball...or at least watching a movie. I think part of this problem is that lately I haven't been able to just go home.

Ok, so we already know that I like to be able to change up my schedule, but when friends plan things, those things are somewhat written in stone to me. They spent time to plan, they want company, I won't disappoint. Unless someone plans something early in the morning, there is a 99.9% chance I will be there. As with most holidays, now has come the time for gatherings of all types. It also brings with it more work. So between the two things, I have nothing left for me. I get home and just...sit. I get nothing I want done, so I think about those hours here and there where they are just mine. I long for a event free weekend/day.

Thing is, when I get that event free evening...I don't really want it. I want to share time with friends or someone. I don't want to DO anything...just sit. I used to have friends that I did that with, we just knew we would be hanging out. Not talking to each other, but there just the same. With how eveyone's schedules work, that's just not possible. ...which I am grateful for too. lol

I guess my biggest issue is that I am not in control of these things. I can't say, hey, lets hang out now and not then. These are planned things. Things I won't say no to. (Besides, I know damn well that should I not go to something I would totally regret it, because I have yet to fully regret hanging out with any of my friends.) Case in point, the other day I was all set to just sit and drink tea and write. I had told a friend so if they wanted to drop by they could, but it was me time. I had forgotten that a game was playing that night. There are traditions to be upheld! :) So, I spent the evening with friends instead. I enjoyed it, I don't regret it, but part of me is still waiting for that nice quiet evening at the tea house.

I'm not going to complain about all this. What would I have to complain about? I love my friends. I love having things to do. I'm only on this planet for so long, and currently my age and health allow me to function and move. I just have to fight my inner loner. She had such full reign of me for so long, she gets feisty and angry sometimes.

Today, she was trying to win, but I beat her down and went to an event and had a really good time. I get freaked around new people...especially lots of new people...but it turned out great. I suggested an 'ethnic potluck' to a friend and she loved the idea and that is what we did today. I spent half the day cooking for it, and the rest eating and talking at it. Not bad I say. :)

(And no, I can't take pictures when people are prepared. They aren't as fun!)

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It's never a constant
It always comes and goes
Changing on an almost hourly schedule
So hard to see what will be faced
Certainty is never there
Prepare for anything

Really? Your music is 'better' than mine?

2009-12-10T23:36:00.002-06:00

This argument has always made me laugh. Yeah, its also angered me at times too. I don't get it. How is one type of music so much better than another? If someone feels something from it, if they relate to it, why is it not as worthy as what you listen to?

Are there some types of music that boggle my mind? Hell yes. For that reason, I don't listen to it. I don't listen to the music that annoys me. I don't listen to the sounds thinly labeled 'music' either, but for someone, that's what they love. Who am I to tell someone their music is 'stupid' or 'cliche' or 'outdated' or 'lame'? I won't insult your music, don't insult mine.

If you don't like a certain type of music, you aren't forced to listen to it (unless you are in some sort of class or at work where they pump it out to you) you can choose something different. With that said, it also wouldn't kill you to expand your horizons. Listen to new things. New types. You may not listen to it all the time, or relate to all of it, but there are tons of artists for each type, you may be surprised. I often am.

I love all kinds of music. There are only 2 genres of music that I can't really stomach well and would really rather never hear, but even of those, I have heard artists that I can listen to and enjoy. Its all about not limiting yourself. You can't put some lyrics to some types of music, it just wouldn't work, so you have to expand your horizons to hear what others are saying.

Its so interesting the different worlds you get to enter when you allow for that.

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All the shrapnel

The shattered pieces are the hardest to get out.
Like buried shrapnel under the skin,
The fragments stay hidden long after it was broken
And sometimes all it takes is the changing of the weather
Or to sleep wrong
To bring with it memories and new pain.

A little here and there

2009-12-07T23:31:00.004-06:00

So I know I haven't been writing much this week. I really wanted to just relax into my topics now that the month of writing is over. Although it did make me focus, and that is a good thing. Maybe I should set up a schedule? :)

I have made up my list of things I need to get done, but always seems like to get A done you need to accomplish B and C first. (Don't ask me why B & C are before A, its the way life is!) Of course, this could be another form of procrastination but....

One of the things I listed was to clean off my desk. I don't know when it started, but piles and piles of stuff just started spreading and covered both my desk and dresser. Whether you believe in feng shui or not, this was impeding my work. So I spent some time and got it organized. As of right now, everything is where I need it. Sort of. lol

Here is a scary before:

And after :) :

So needless to say, I am a bit happier at my desk. Although this could lead to procrastination through cleaning of the rest of the house. lol

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There Comes a Day

The smile never leaves its place
Of a few inches below the eyes
On a simply glowing face
The heartbeat sets a rhythmic time
Inside a body frozen still
Being this excited could be a crime
There comes a day
When fate will bring you
One person makes all sadness fade away

The things we think we'll avoid.

2009-12-04T20:47:00.002-06:00

The past week or so has brought with it an added sense of 'something'. The feeling that something isn't right and something is going to happen. Its left me on edge and moody and well, emo. I tried to blame the feeling on this or that, but then I noticed the date and I knew.

It sucks when you know a day(s) is coming up and it means something else to you now. You want to replace the day with some other memory. Something else to happen that day, but in your mind you know, every year, its probably going to come up the same way. Its funny how even when we aren't thinking of things, our souls or our subconscious is. I knew this date was coming, but wasn't worried about it. Just figured I would let it pass like everything else. Guess that isn't going to happen. This weekend is sucking hard.

Thankfully, I have most of my weekend planned out for me. (Yes, this is freaking me out. lol) Something tomorrow morning, evening and then Sunday too. Full full full. But tonight....tonight I am home with my thoughts. I tried to be all crafty and ask some friends over, but I wasn't obvious enough, because out of 6 people, none of them are here. Its all good, short notice doesn't really work well. lol This does leave me here though. I already watched a movie with the boy. I feel like its 1am, but its only 8:30. If I go to sleep now I know I will be up at 3am...which will suck since I have to get up early. I could go to the gym, but I don't want to leave the boy tonight. I could get on some of my websites that I like, but I am sure I would find a way to make it all whiny. So, I will go with option one and go to sleep hella early...on a Friday night. woot

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Middle of Nowhere

The road it looks so long
Stretching forever in the mind
Its hard to imagine something so stable
Just stopping out in the middle of nowhere
We see what we want to see
When the road is going smooth
Focus is lost on things around us
We don't see when new roads and detours
Start to parallel our own
We don't notice everyone else getting off
We are so happy on our simple road
That we don't see that it does end
Just stopping in the middle of nowhere

Its time for a random post

2009-11-30T23:39:00.002-06:00

I was sitting here trying to figure out what to write tonight. What to say that may be of any interest to anyone but me. I have all these notes everywhere on my desk...but none of them strike me as the one. However, together they seem good. Sort of like Power Rangers!! lol I like random blogs. Just tidbits from life. Thoughts of the world. Nothing that at the moment really deserves a blog of its own, but maybe at least a mention in one.

~ The boy eats too much. Granted, everyone says boys eat a lot, but omg seriously?! Its hard to keep food in the house. lol I send money to the school for lunches and within a week its gone. How? lol The boy was getting TWO lunches every day. I keep telling him I would be happy to send him to school with a lunch so he can make what he wants, but I guess its a thing at school to eat the lunch there. He will bankrupt me. :p

~Working out. I've mentioned it before. Thankfully I was able to start back up this month. I am slowly working everything else back in. Its hard to think that just a few weeks off makes my musecles snap back so I can't do even half the yoga poses I used to. It very annoying. And right now, instead of energizing me, the workouts are just kicking my ass and making me tired. I know this will change soon, but right now, grrrr.

~The whole not working out has effected my weight. I haven't gained really that much back, but I notice it. Progress is a bitch to win in this fight. Taking a month off to be all mopey and shit was not my wisest decision.

~I have entered into a circle of bowling hell. I haven't bowled well since the beginning of October. This is NOT good. I have no idea what the hell is wrong with me. I am hoping that it has to do with me not working out, because if its not...my teammate is going to kill me!

~I started doing something for pure vanity sake last night. I'm not going to say what, because I want to see if people will notice in a few weeks. I am going to track it and everything. woo hoo!!

~The Saints won AGAIN!! 11-0 Baby!!! That's my team, and considering they aren't known for their winning, the past few years have been awesome. This year has been unbelievable!! :)

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Smell and Sound

Months later, without thought
You put the bottle to your nose
And memories of a walk
Or a conversation on the phone
Pop into the mind
Sealing the memories with the fragrance
Even more
Years later, without purpose
Your shuffle plays that song
And the words pierce your mind
Of things said and unsaid
People in and out of your life
Surrounding your soul with a vocal memeory
All your own

Is that maybe its my turn to talk about schedules?

2009-11-29T22:38:00.001-06:00

Everyone has schedules that they keep. Or at least a routine. They either like it completely rigid or they want nothing in stone. Everyone has their reasoning for this too ~ the love of structure, or the need to be free to do whatever. I go between awe and surprise when I hear what some people do. That's because, like so many things, I am somewhere in between.

I like having things planned. I like having things to do and knowing when/where I will be doing them. ....but only half the time. I have two personality traits that rail against this. One is being stubborn, the other is my lack of consistency.

I don't like being told what to do...even by myself. Having a schedule of events that must occur is like telling me what to do. So I can become stubborn and just not follow my schedule 'just because I can'. For this reason, I try to not schedule everything. Big events and the like, yes, but weekly or daily, I have to leave them alone or I will not accomplish them on principle. :) (OK, not always, but this does happen a lot. lol)

Consistency. Oh how I wish I could get a good handle on that one. For someone (that someone being me) who doesn't like a lot of change in their life, I seem to often fail at consistency. I can keep things going for a few weeks, but then I let something slip, and poof, its all gone. This makes having a consistent schedule damn near impossible. I can keep one, like I said, for a few weeks, but then it breaks down. Thinking on it right now, I suppose a way to get around that would be to just make a new schedule for myself every few weeks...maybe...

I'm not saying I like just flying by the seat of my pants every day and every week. I do like to know where I'll be and when. Its all the little things in between I guess. I don't like always getting up at the same time. I don't like always going to bed at this time (I never followed that rule when my mom sent me to bed, why would I do so now?!). I don't like only doing this on this day and this on that day.

I love my freedom to just change everything. I do sign up for things or have weekly things I like to do, like bowling and trivia. I know however, that if its been a bad week or when I get overwhelmed I don't have to. I have no qualms about stepping back and skipping. (I would never do that when people are counting on me though, that's just bad form.) I go into all those commitments knowing that I am in control and I don't have to do it. I go into things with a working calculation of what would happen if I changed my mind. Heck, sometimes I may skip something just because I can!

For this reason, honestly, things people want to do, want me to do, I am ok with. If I had that horrid day at work, you can bet I won't feel bad about not doing something else. I know internally the best thing for me is to do what I feel is best. If that is going to bed, waking up, cleaning, class, bowling, any other sport...anything really...I don't want my schedule to stress me out, my life does that enough. :)

*Disclaimer: the only thing I have no control over schedule wise is my actual job. No wonder it is the thing that gives me the most stress from all angles.

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If You Try

You can fool anyone if you try
No one has to know what's going on.
Stories to cover feelings.
Laughter to mask any fear.
The world can see what you present,
The smiling happy person
They all want you to be,
With no cares attacking your mind.
Your friends will think what you want.
Plans cover up unease.
Chatter will fuel all bonding,
Fun times erase any broken heart.
But there is always that one person,
Who will see past your fake bravado,
Call you on your bull shit,
And actually help you on your way.

Some nightmares stay with you too long

2009-11-28T23:58:00.002-06:00

A few days I had a nightmare. To most people it sounds ludicris, but it was a nightmare to me. I don't remember lots of it, but I remember being terrified and being forced to make choices. The whole time I was being forced to make choices the devil (no, he had no face or form, it was just 'there') was laughing and trying to make me fall and thus get my soul. I started praying in my dream. This worked a bit and the power of the dream subsided enough that I realized I was dreaming...but not enough to wake up all the way. I forced myself (real self) to start praying outloud. I woke up praying to God. I had to keep praying for a few minutes after to get my heartbeat back and control of my body. (I was able to open my eyes, but I couldn't move anything other then my mouth, and the words were being croked out.)

Obviously this whole thing bothers me, because I can still remember it vividly. Crappy thing is, this isn't the first time I've had a nightmare where I forced myself awake by praying. I guess on the whole, it makes sense, a natural reaction to fear? But otherwise it freaks me out. Having those sorts of 'dreams' messes with me for weeks. Things feel off and I don't sleep well. I'm gratefull I know how to pray though, because if I didn't...I don't know how I would ever be able to sleep again...or wake up from those nightmares.

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The Natural Way of Things

So carefully it all gets planned
The natural way of things
No mistakes are ever made
Just changes in the way it should be
Best made plans are laid to waste
Things are never as they appear
Yet so carefully it all gets planned
Oh, the natural way of things

That today was a good one

2009-11-27T23:47:00.002-06:00

Part of me wants to have a nice simple weekend. I have four days off work, I want to enjoy them. Part of me wants to do as much as I can that doesn't involve work, but involves time with friends and family as much as I can. These two things don' necessarily work together...and so far I have been more busy then I have relaxed. I'm not really complaining though.

I went to sleep early last night. I think I woke up around 3 like usual when I go to sleep early, but forced myself to just lay there and close my eyes. When I woke up around 8:30, I woke with a horrid migraine. Thankfully I didn't have to work so took some Excedrin and went back to bed.

Around mid morning I got up, felt better and headed over to a friend's house that was hosting a brunch. The boy was invited too. It was a nice afternoon. The boy had other kids to play with and I had other adults to talk too. Granted, I was the normal, stand sort of to the side and smile nicely for the first hour or so. Yes, friends that know me, I am shy and I am not as much of an extrovert as you take me form. Anyway, as the morning/afternoon went on I became more comfortable with these people I had never met. (I only knew the hostess really.) Other then a few times where politics were brought up and the bashing of conservatives came in, it was all very enlightening and interesting. Talks of food, computer science around the world, local politics, government issues, softball. lol :)

After this I headed over to another friends house where I got to play Battlestar Galacticafor the first time (and second). Its a somewhat complicated game with a great deal of strategy...the kind I like. lol Although the first game I felt like a fish out of water and I don't think I was able to help my other human players all the much. The second game where I was a secret cylon was much smoother....and craftier. :)

Ended the day with some easy going movie watching. Watched Star Trek for the 4/5 time. :) Always good....and this time it was in the comfort of a home, so I could comment on the weird things that I saw. lol Love the movie overall though!!

So, I have 3 min to finish this up, and I want to make it on time. I also confiscated my friends laptop so I could complete it. Which means, that is all for now. Hope you all had good shopping experiences today...if you went. lol

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Yet another freebie tonight. Somehow I left my moleskine at home!! I don't have my poem today and I can't think of one this fast. I'll add it later.

How I am even still awake is a surprise to me.

2009-11-26T22:52:00.002-06:00

First and foremost, HAPPY THANKSGIVING! I hope it was a good day for you. If you weren't able to spend it with family, at least a good day to relax.

Like I said before, Thanksgiving was at my house this year. I got to sleep late last night...and then kept getting up thinking I had left the stove on. Bah. Anyway, I set my alarm for 8:30/9 to get up and put the turkey in...and then maybe slip back to bed for a bit.

Nope, not gonna happen. I was woken up at 7:30 and avoided getting up till 7:45. My brother I think was only trying to help me, but I had this fear he was wanting me to get the turkey in right then. BAH! So I finished prepping it. (I made a brine for it and a special spread.) Got it in the oven and then decided to just finish up some other things. And then get the table ready. And clean. And then clean myself. Then cook some more. Then it was time to eat! The whole morning gone.

The I had to clear the table and then we started playing games. We played games till 10:30. Nothing crazy for us really, but omg, I was tired. I don't think I have played cards that bad in a long time. lol At least I was able to function for Pinochle.

Needless to say, right now, with my almost 5 hours of sleep and all the work I did yesterday and this morning, I am about dead. I almost closed my eyes while we were playing!

I however, have a tradition to continue. You can't see the past ones, because I have/had different blogs, but I do like to say what I am grateful for. :) So here we go!

My family. I love my family. As much as they might drive me crazy at times, I would be lost without them. They don't know me best, but they've know me longest and at my worst, and are still around to tell me they love me.
My friends. Oh the categories of friends that I have. The many different areas of joy and life you bring to me. How boring and lacking would the world be without you. I am so thankful that the world collided our living spaces. :) lol
To my friends that have known me longest, I have to be grateful to them for sticking around when I was driving myself crazy this year. You have no idea what that means to me.
I am thankful I have a job. It may not be what I want. It may not be where I want to stay, but I have a job, and right now, that is a big thing.
I am thankful that I am smart enough to learn new things...and that I have people willing to help me do so.
I am thankful for my son. He may drive me to the edge of insanity more times than not, but I love him to death and his hugs make all the problems in my world melt away.
I'm thankful I am not a 'cookie cutter' person. That I was taught to listen to people and to the whole story and to people individually. ...at least I think I'm not a cookie cutter person...
I am grateful I live where I live. yeah yeah, there is not beach and no mountains, but I love it here none the less. Maybe I don't want to be here forever, but can't think of anyplace I would rather be.

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Rather be

Boring day, nothing to do
Always get a smile when talking to you
Silence is fine and jokes are good
Even the ones that aren't understood
Meaningless chatter rambling on
Don't hardly notice when your mind is gone
Sometimes it is though, and its hard to see
That many a times there is someplace you would rather be

I may avoid things because I stress them so much

2009-11-26T01:05:00.003-06:00

By all 'technical' standards, I am late on this one. If I was living on the West coast, I would be golden still though. However, I did write most of this one earlier today so, I think its still valid for Wednesday.

My days are never like they are supposed to be. I didn't have to work today, but I need the hours so I was going to go in anyway....but when I wanted to. Things seemed to run smoothly. I got some things done...and then they didn't run so smoothly. It went from productive to nothing quick. That happens when your server decides it doesn't want you to be able to work on your computer. This was actually a good thing to happen, because that meant I was forced to go home.

Sunday I was told Thanksgiving would be at my house. Sunday. UGH! Not that I would say no, I am honestly somewhat excited at the prospect. However, this involves shopping and cleaning and planning and cooking...and more cleaning. I worked all day Monday & Tuesday. I got some shopping done Tuesday. But I was going to clean Wednesday. This is why I went to work all day instead. So when I got home I think I went into complete freak out mode. Cooking and cleaning all the same time. WOO HOO. I am now stressing about food. And room. And food. And plates. And everything. I know it will be fine but. ahhh!!!!

Granted, this could also be because every year I write a blog on Thanksgiving about all I am grateful for and my hopes for the next year. Every year I also look back at my old blogs to see where I am. How have things changed. What else am I grateful for, what was I grateful for. This year is no different. I looked last year's up today.

Its such a different place where I was last year at this time then where I am now. Against my best wishes, it did make me cry. I'm sure everything works out the way its supposed to. Things are the way they are. I am still so grateful for everything I've got. I'll still write my post like I do every Thanksgiving. I'll still share all the things I am thankful for. Unfortunately, I made it somewhat bittersweet. I really hate it when the past comes up to bite you in the ass.

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Restaurant Dilemma

I'm eating alone again
I'm the only one sitting here alone
My book on the table
My pen in my hand
Does not disguise that
The booth opposite of me
Only holds my feet
And not someone to share my meal

Blocked

2009-11-24T22:19:00.001-06:00

Damn, I'm blocked. I have many blogs to write, but can't make myself do it right now. Stupid mind is running in circles of insanity. Boo. So I will write how I am blocked and I if I can fix this, I will come back and fix it. Otherwise, this is the sad little blog for the day. Damn.

The good things for us are always the hardest

2009-11-23T23:13:00.002-06:00

For over a year now, despite a week or so there, I have been pretty consistant in working out. Out of all the things I am not consistant about, working out, oddly enough, is not one of them. I love physical activity, and where as I may take breaks here and there, I always get back to it. The end of September and all of October were not such good months on the working out.

I beat myself up over it weekly. "Oh no, another week has gone by and I haven't done anything. I need to go work out or the next time is going to suck." I said this a lot. I think I worked out maybe once or twice. I gave myself a hard time because I like working out and I felt that all progress I had gained back, was now gone. Ya know, slippery slope kind of stuff.

Then people starting saying nice things like "oh, you are looking really good! You look like you've lost some weight." Random people I didn't expect to hear it from. My brother! All so weird. And then I would feel guilty because I worked so hard and I was just losing all my tone. boo

I've been much better this month. I haven't posted all my workouts like I used to (will be doing so this week) but I have been getting on at least a three a week cycle. A bit less then what I was before, but its a start. Besides, convincing myself I want to go so I can feel that burn the next day is not as easy. What is easy is sitting at my computer or talking with friends. That is easy. lol But that is the way of the world, those things that really are the best for us, take the most convincing to do.

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Oh they say

Oh they say so many things
And tell of things to do
Of what will happen if you wait
And what will pass if you sit on the sides
Oh they say so many things
And tell of things to do
Of what will happen if you act too quickly
And all the things you miss if you don't pay attention
Oh they say so many things
And tell of things to do
But you can never be sure what is right
Because for you anything can still be true

The more they know, the more they can hurt you

2009-11-22T23:00:00.002-06:00

Its funny how, once we get to know someone, we know what can hurt them most. What can cut the deepest and sting.

Its not funny how sometimes those we care about use that against us to make themselves feel better.

Or how a friend can say something, that from a stranger might hurt, but excusable, but from a friend, its a deep cut/insult.

There is no avoiding this in life. It happens. Hell, we all do it knowingly or not. This does not make the hurt of it being done any less. Or the shock of someone doing it any less. Nothing makes it better, because we all believe that those that know us best know what hurts us and would avoid doing those things to us. Nothing makes it better when we are proved wrong.

Nor does it settle well in your soul when you see it being done to a friend.

Nothing like having your insecurities used against you.

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Just another goodbye

Our time alone on this day is through
We both walk the path to the door
Small talk finished
There is nothing left to do
Plans for tomorrow repeated
One more made up question
To make the minute longer
One more silent pause
Without further word or comment
Arms encircle the other
Quiet warmth and happiness
An extra squeeze to make it last
No one times a hug
When it is just another goodbye

My cheat day

2009-11-21T23:36:00.001-06:00

so again I am at a friend's. I had a topic, but the movie is playing. Maybe I'll make up for it tomorrow...maybe. No poem either. Nothing prepared. Have a good weekend!! :)

I expected a cheesy movie...I got insanity on film

2009-11-20T23:45:00.002-06:00

Almost missed my deadline tonight. I am still actually at a friend's house, so this will be quick.

Tonight I watched G.I.Joe the movie. I totally expected it to be stupid. It is a remake of a CARTOON I get that. I don't have high expectations for it or the plot or the dialog. Honestly I didn't. I was prepared to laugh at the stupidness and what not. OMG what did they do to the cartoon that I loved as a kid?

The graphic violence shocked me throughout. There is killing...and then there is killing that I would have expected to see in Saw, I saw the latter. I was not happy with that. I have issues with that kind of random violence. But fine, it was a 'summer blockbuster guy movie' I can except it.

The one or two inconceivable things in the beginning that happened were, well, funny actually, but then...it just got worse. Totally stupid and then it started going away from the heart of the cartoon. Yeah, I was expecting some of it to be related. I don't know how you can have the G.I.Joe real American hero, if you have a group of foreign soldiers. Not that you can't do that, but it made no sense. Also took away from the fact that they were all just 'good ol boys and girls doing their best'. I found it more than laughable that the guys would have a small cut on their face through the whole movie, no matter how much time passed, but Scarlet gets beat down and choked, and those marks are gone by the end of the day. Really? Ugh.

Don't even get me started on how they escaped through an elevator to the top..ya know, the top that had just been ignited and was falling down in the water! lol

I'm not mad, I am just disappointed that everyone was right. The movie was really bad. Really really bad. There really were some opportunities for it to turn out good, but seems like no one wanted to take it down that road. Grrr

Oh, and Scarlet is supposed to end up with Duke. That's the way that works. Its my little girl memory and fantasy. They ruined that. Damn them all to hell.

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So Like a Drug

After days of misery and wondering
I awake to a normal sun
My mind is again my own
My days are all my own to fill
Than a word or two as a teaser
Leaves me wanting more
A conversation, than a long breather
And my heart starts staring at the door
Just a simple meeting, it will make it go away
But it just makes it all stronger
And I only want you to stay
Than quickly back to nothing
You back away again
And I start the withdrawal process
Until the next time than.

Where do you live?

2009-11-19T23:22:00.002-06:00

Growing up in Joplin, I wasn't old enough to drive (obviously) and the town was spread out enough, that I didn't go wandering all over. I went where my family went. That's what I knew. Slowly, over time, I learned where everyone I went to school with lived. I have been to all their houses. I just knew where everyone was.

When I moved to Oklahoma for a year, same thing, I just knew where everyone lived. Went to everyone's house.

When I moved to Kansas, the town I finished HS in, I learned fast. First because of where I lived in relation to the school and how close so many others did too, and then because my friends could drive. I knew where everyone lived. I had been to everyone's house...even those I didn't like. It was just normal. I knew where my friends (and enemies) were.

Then I moved to Lawrence. The same happened here. I went to everyone's house, everyone came to mine. I knew where my friends were. The past few years, lots of my friends have moved away. Now, this sounds weird, but now I only know where about a quarter of my friends live. I could probably give you a general area for all of them, but I haven't been to many of their houses. Its weird to me when I think about it. Its weird that I could be driving down their street and pass their house without even knowing it.

Yeah, that is what Caroline is thinking tonight.

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What we want to hear

The words that were needed
Things that had been hoped to be said
Were left out of the plans the day had
Or forgotten in loo of other things instead
They weren't important words
Or filled with some deep powerful meaning
But they were words sorely missing from the day
And could have prevented it from going careening
The words can not be prompted or guilted into use
They would only work if said freely and said with utter truth
Making a soul feel better when they are feeling low
A complement, on the house of life, is a stronger roof

working and perfecting the work

2009-11-18T22:20:00.003-06:00

I have a dilemma in my life. As much as I like to sleep and just enjoy nature, I 'like' to work. I like getting focused and getting things done. I like to get those things done well. This is not my dilemma.

My dilemma is my job. For reasons, I just don't have my heart in it anymore. Its not there. I also don't feel like a job well done is noticed or rewarded. This is my dilemma. I have a huge project that is going on. Its somewhat fallen on me to get going. I, at my whole, want it to go smoothly and be a big success. I want to do well. But I also don't feel the drive to work on it outside of my office. There is no reward or ever 'thanks!' for doing that. The last time I worked outside the office, off the clock, I was told that it was great that I did that, but don't expect to get paid for it, no one asked you to. So I don't really feel like working on this outside of work.

Thing is its killing me. I want to do things. I want to promote and create when there aren't patients around and phones ringing. I want to have this thing go awesome. My workaholic/perfectionist side demands that I do something. But for the second time this year, I say 'screw you' to me, and I am playing the stubborn card. Yup, twice in one year. Take that fate! I can change my ways! HA!

On that note...well, I was going to write more, but...idk, things are getting to me and I am no longer feeling it. Boo. Thankfully I worked on some poetry earlier so I can just copy and post. Maybe I will sleep early tonight to offset my sleep last night. Maybe.

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You Tell Me

So tell me how this is supposed to go
How the feelings should show
When do I get the even break
And not get left drifting in the wake
Of all the thoughts and emotions told
And all the feelings and situations left to unfold
Tell me how I'm supposed to act
Because it seems as if I'm always off track
I hate the feeling of just floating free
And not knowing if we can talk, or if I should let you be.

oh dependence vs independence

2009-11-17T23:53:00.000-06:00

Its like being bipolar at times. Because I want to be independent. Well..actually more to the point I have to be independent. However, I also want to be able to be dependent on someone, but not be wholly dependent on someone. Its a line I feel we all walk. I know I walk it a lot, mainly because I don't really have that one person to be dependent on. I have had to learn to be dependent on me, otherwise, good Lord, I don't know what my life would be like.

This doesn't mean I like the fact that I am the one that does everything around the house, from cleaning to fixing. That I have to be able to fix the machine when it breaks or mow the lawn. That I have to know how to change a tire, even if I can't really do it. I do like the fact that I can be my own person. That I know where my money is going and when and why...even if its not always the best for me. lol That I can choose where to go and when (generally, I do have that child that needs me).

Yet, it would be nice to share these things with someone. Its not always bad to have that one person that has your back. That person you can call on to help no matter what. My independence isn't due to my not wanting the help, its because I don't have it that I can do it all on my own. I sort of hate that. lol There is no real answer. Just back and forth. As we all are in life. Joy for that.

Oh, and don't forget, UMB sucks. Pass it on. (Yeah, still annoyed.)
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What a world

The world had never really been
A place for constant rest
Situations beyond our understanding
Spring up and pound us in the chest
There are those times of peace, yes
Where the days seem to drag on by
But too often we are given days
Where we throw our hands up to the sky
Everyone needs a friend to lean on
We all have our burdens to bare
We all have our fights to be happy
And find reasons in all that is there
Life offers a confusing lineup
Of people and places and things
The search for the meaning of strife
Won't ever heal the feelings

No, really, I'm not a fan of pain

2009-11-16T23:19:00.002-06:00

One would think I was though sometimes. I've been getting migraines since I was in Jr High. Its sadly, a way too common thing for me. They go in cycles of severity, but more often then not, I will have at least one migraine a week. How sad is it that its one of the few constants in my life?

I used to keep a migraine journal. I would mark what I ate, when slept, when I would get the migraines, when I would get just a headache. I found some common things that can trigger one. There were some that were unaccounted for, so I looked at attitude and stress. Bingo, found some more...but still some just random. Ah, weather. Pressure or the storms bringing in allergens. Then there is sleep. So basically, I have found that just about anything can give me a migraine. Food, habits, sleep, weather, people, and life. There really is no way for me to avoid it all...and I don't plan on it either.

I leave it up to fate as to when everything will combine to form one. I keep Excedrin on hand at all times. I make sure I can help fend them off with Coke. I have two special 'migraine' pillows. I know relaxation techniques. I know some acupuncture locations to help lessen the pain. I don't however take any prescription medicine. I get asked this A LOT. (Along with, have you ever asked a doctor why you get them?) I have, in the past, taken two different types. Neither of them really worked.

Well, let me explain. The one pill really did nothing. At the time, I did go to the doctor because I had had a massive migraine for 5 days straight and I couldn't go to work. I couldn't function because of the pain, so I broke down and went. The drug I was prescribed lessened the pain, but didn't make it go away, and while on it, I couldn't take anything else. So when it wore off, I was miserable. So that one will forever be off my list.

The other one that was given to me was a beta blocker. It could have been great. I went a few weeks with no migraines. I was feeling lethargic and my asthma was effecting me more often, but no migraines..until I got one. It was the worst one I had had in a long time. Seriously thought I was going to die. Nothing I did could reduce the pain of that mf. That's when I learned that this method (at least with me) would reduce the number that I had, but when one 'got through' oh holy Hell, it was bad. Needless to say, after a few months of that, I decided to go back to taking my chances and saving my money.

The only thing positive about this is that they aren't all powerful, knock me on my ass migraines. I get some that I call 'functional' migraines. I still would love the lights to all go away, all sound to stop, the flashing in my vision to cease, but I can work with it. I just have to go slower. I can still work and get through the day. Its the ones that come and knock me on my ass to show me who's boss that still keep me home some days.

I know if I eat a big bowl or popcorn or chips & salsa, that I will more than likely get a migraine the next day. I know if the weather changes in any way, I will more than likely get a migraine. I know that if my job or personal life starts to get rough, I will more than likely get a migraine. I know if I get too much sleep or too little, I will get a migraine. Its a joy knowing that. lol I know though. Its not a fun thing, but its something I have dealt with for years. I wish I didn't, but at least I know I can...for the most part. lol

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We've danced this dance before

We've danced this dance before
Round and around as it falls
Softly and soundly to the floor
Each time it seems so new and fresh
An experience new to share
While invoking memories and visions
In the swirling presented there
We've danced this dance before
Each year, a time or two
While some yearn for it to become more
So many others are ready for it to be through

It can leave you lonely anyway and that being the 'baby' of the family can be rather annoying

2009-11-15T22:47:00.003-06:00

This weekend has been really good. I've spent time with friends and/or family each day. I've laughed, cooked and had good times.

Today I woke up earlier than I wanted, but it was ok. I put a loaf or two of bread in the oven and rolled out some dough for my pumpkin pie. As it was all cooking I hung out with my son and nephew (who had stayed at my house last night). Things didn't cook quite as fast as I wanted it to, so I didn't get to go watch an area bridge get blown up with my family, but I did watch it online...and was treated to an awesome pumpkin pie just minutes after the explosion.

Gathering some games, cookies, pumpkin pie, pumpkin seeds and pumpkin pie (see a trend? lol) I headed over to my parents house. See, my parents were taking my son and my niece down to Florida over Thanksgiving break, and since they were all going to be gone, I convinced them to have Thanksgiving early. Today. This is why my sister drove up.

We played some games and then had an awesomely good and large meal. :) We usually just do turkey, but they got a ham this year too. There were tons of mashed potatoes and candied yams. My sister brought some rolls up from a local bakery that were scrumdidilumous. Needless to say, we sat with a food coma for a while...and then played more games....and watched the Saints claim another victory.

As we sat around a few hours later having dessert they mentioned something about the week of thanksgiving...and them being here. It took me nearly 15 minutes to get out of them what they all apparently already knew, my parents were no longer going to Flordia, they were staying here. We would all be here for Thanksgiving. SERIOUSLY!?! ugh

Don't get me wrong, I am very happy that they are going to be around, but 1) could no one TELL me this? I found out in passing! 2) I had finally gotten used to the idea, I had excepted it. I had started formulating plans in my head. 3) They haven't told me what, if anything, we are doing now. Are we going down to my sister's now? Staying here anyway? ~ I should be used to this by now, I either don't get told or asked or its assumed I know. I swear I feel like Cindy in the Very Brady Christmas movie! lol

Anyway, the day was good. I'm not mad about them not telling me, annoyed, but not mad. Finished it up playing some more cards with my folks and brother, which is always fun.

Since then, I have been home. Watching tv. I don't do that very much...or ever..anymore. I am though because I just have this feeling...and I don't know what it is. Like something/someone is missing and I am not sure what. Its all very vexing since I don't know why I should be feeling this now. So bah to that! Bah to the fact that I know I have friends and family out there, and I feel so alone right now anyway. Woot, bring on the holidays. lol End emo mini rant.

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Hope in Happiness

Arm in arm so naturally
The warmth carressing skin
Eyes that meet in infinity
Shocked heartbeats wait to begin
Electricity passes through the soul
Without thought our hearts give in
The smile of hope upon the face
To be this happy can't be a sin

It really is good for you

2009-11-14T21:48:00.002-06:00

Despite the downfalls of my job, I do enjoy it. I enjoy helping people to see. Especially when they didn't know the options out there to help them see better.

When I started working there years ago, I rarely wore my glasses. I wore my contacts almost non stop. This is because I liked the ease of the contacts and I saw better. As part of my job, it was really in my best interest to get a new pair of glasses, so I did. Since it was my first pair, they let me get all the 'bells and whistles' as you might say. I got thinner aspheric lenses (I have a -7.75 rx, and that means my ass is damn near blind without glasses or contacts), I got photocromatic lenses and I got an anti-reflective coating. I know these things probably mean nothing to you, but they have become second nature to me. I could do without the photocromatic, but the thinner aspheric lenses and anti-reflective coatings are no longer options. I can see better, and I can't give them up.

This is why I have no qualms with telling my patients about it. It is worth it. So I am sharing with all of you, because chances are I will never talk to you about glasses, but you should know the differences just the same. I won't get into the technical talk (yet) but I will share the basics about some of the options out there. Tonight, anti-reflective coatings.

This coating is good for everyone, but if you have anything above a +/-2.00 you should have it. Why? The coating (ok, actually its not a coating, but is actually part of the lens if you don't get one of the cheap versions) allows more light through your lens. Sounds weird, but this lessens the visual noise for your eyes, allowing you more sight. Due to the manufacturing and basic nature of materials, once you have light hitting the lens, it bounces off, reducing visual clarity. When you have an anti-reflective coating (AR) it lets the light through. You actually get 10-20% of the rx back and it is closer to what you had when you were in the doctor's room.

When I first learned about this, I thought, "ok, sure, it makes the lenses clearer, I don't see why that would make a difference." I sold it, I liked it on mine, but it was no big whoop to me. Then one day I tried on a pair of glasses, with my rx, that did not have the AR. OMG. I thought the glasses were horribly scratched up and dirty and the edges were so distorted (that's from them not being aspheric). That's when I noticed the lack of AR. My vision was cloudy and strained looking through the non AR lenses. I have never doubted the benefits of it sense.

AR 'coatings' are great cosmetically, as they make your lenses disappear. They help with night driving in reducing the 'halos' you see around lights. They reduce eye fatigue at computers and when you are under florescent lights. ...and generally, depending on what kind you have and where you get them, they have a very strong scratch coating, which also gives you a very good warranty.

Not all AR is created equal. Some manufacturers do coat the lens. The ones we like to work with the most 'bake' it into the lens. Various minerals are broken down and bonded to a sterile lens. This process takes about 24 hours usually. These are the coatings you should get. They ARE worth the money. If someone offers you Super Hi-Vision by Hoya GET IT. So far that has been the best coating that I have worked with. The longest and best track record. Essilor makes a good coating too, Crizal Avance w/ Scotch Guard, or Crizal Alize. The Avance has only been out for a little over a year, so I can't tell you the track record, but so far it has been working very well for people. These coatings also do better then others because they have an aquaphobic and oliophobic layer. That means it repels water and oil, making the lenses easier to clean. Think of it as RainX for you car.

Some people have had AR before and they hated it because it was 'hard to clean and got dirty so easy'. One, the above mentioned brands have those coatings to help against that, but more importantly with all of the AR coatings, they don't smudge any more than your everyday non coated lens, you just see it. Remember me saying the coating lets more light in? Well, if you have a big ol finger print on the lens, it is blocking the light, that is what is bothering your vision. Those plain plastic lenses have smudges on them too, you just don't notice because the vision already has a 'hazy' look anyway.

I just thought you all should know, without someone trying to sell you something.

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The Sweater

An ordinary day
Just trying to find something
To wear and get on the way
Nothing seems to work
Everything seems to not fit
Or it looks wrong
Just feeling off
Pick up the sweater
The old standby
The one that was going
To be given away
The one that would
Not be worn again
Feel the fuzzy of it
Envelope in the warmth
Then hit with the memories
Slapped with why it was
Going to go away
Then see the date
See what it means
Sit in awe
Wallow in a bit of sadness
Take it off again
And start all over

Cooking and writing and working out oh my

2009-11-13T20:15:00.002-06:00

Today was one of those days where you can take your time doing everything. Nothing is rushed. You get to do what you want and accomplish it. Until the end when you realize you poorly miscaluated how long it would take to do certain things and you see that you have 15 minutes to do an hours worth of stuff in so you can meet people. Needless to say, my blog is getting the worst of this. I am not sure I will be back before 12, so I am doing this now...knowing its making me later. How do these things happen? Ugh. At least I have the smell of bread going through my house. The bread might not look right (because yeast hates me) but oh my, it smells awesome. lol

Maybe I shouldn't post when I'm pissed... (UMB Bank Update)

2009-11-12T16:06:00.002-06:00

...But I'm pissed.

Update from my earlier post where I didn't out UMB as the bank that turned greedy.

I am trying to remain calm. I think I did for as long as I could. Not being able to do anything though, is likely to drive me crazy. Because I am helpless. I am a small account. I am one person. I do not matter, so there is no reason to help. There is no reason to make it right. But by all means, you surely can talk condescendingly to me. Seems fair.

I went to the bank today. I went in calm. I waited for the guy to come out. I told him what was up. I told him about what had happened in Sept and Oct and this month. I told him I could no longer afford to bank at their bank. I told them I wanted to close my account. He looked. He 'explained' how the postings work and how what I said happened could never happen for the first one. Things always post within 3 days. And of course, they can choose any of those three days.

The most fun about this part (and this is why I didn't want to talk to them before or anymore) is that their computer system that they see our accounts on, is totally different then the one they let us see online. Or that they print for us. Just another way of making sure that you can never be right and that there is always a way to show that they are right. Go UMB. Sad thing is I am sure they are not the only bank to do it this way.

So he wasn't going to do anything about ANY of the fees, and because the fees were there they can't close an account. Oh, but they can charge it off and send me to collections!Oh, and it won't show up on your credit report or anything, you can just make payments that way. That way I won't get any more negative balance fees in the open account! Isn't that nice?!

In his defense, the man I spoke with was being nice. He didn't look like he was enjoying this, but that he just couldn't/wouldn't do anything. He did offer to hold the account till Monday to talk to his branch manger and then she could talk to me, but I work, I wouldn't be able to, and for what? For her to tell me that they are in the right and there is nothing they can do for me either? I sat and thought for a minute about it, but then told him I couldn't come in that day, I was off today and tomorrow. Then he thought he could grab the customer service manger and she could help.

Of all the ideas he had, this was the worst one. Because *service* was not what she wanted to be doing. She was instantly rude. Basically started off with so you want to charge this off, why don't you just do so. I explained about the past three months. Again said, I didn't think you all would do anything then, but I am in now. I don't think those charges are right. To which she turned and looked at me and was like 'well, you come in talking about all these old charges that you said you think were wrong, but you never called or came in and now you want something done about them, and they are probably all valid charges anyway, what do you think we could do?' If my eyes could have turned red, they would have.

I had been calm. I hadn't spoken in anger. I hadn't whined. I hadn't cried. I had simply spoken and then by the end of her talking, I did get a bit pitchier in my voice. So she asked if I wanted to charge off again. I hesitated again, I was also getting pissed. "Do I need to sign anything or do something?" "No, we will just do it right now." I thought a minute. I don't really want a charge off on my record, whatever he says. I also knew that it would mean I couldn't open an account at another bank until its paid off...which means I would have to pay their bs fees.

Then she said something else. I don't really remember what it was, but it was rude and condescending and that was the final straw. I stood up and smiled and said "yeah, do that. Close it or whatever." She looked at me confused. "I said, yeah, do that. Because, you know, I didn't think you all would be helpful, but I gave you a chance. I have people curious to know what you would do, and now I get to tell them. So yeah, do that." They both looked at me with both confusion and maybe a bit of shock. Walking away, shaking my head I said, "Yeah, I can't wait to tell everyone I know."

I am sorely disappointed in UMB.

lol I also have no bank now. Woot! This should make bill paying fun!

Why be an expert..

2009-11-11T23:29:00.002-06:00

There is a sad thing I have noticed. Something I myself am guilty of. Distrust anyone that says they are an expert at something. Or if they are trained in that area. So often when we ask for advice, we weigh it against what we think the other person is trying to sell us. I get this too often at my job. Honestly people, I just want you to see well and like your glasses. That mechanic, he just wants your car to run right. Ok, well, not always. There are people out there just looking to sell you something, but really, if we listened to the basic advice, we might see that no one is selling us anything, they just want to help.

...um, this is also my 'weak' blog. There may be more this month, but I admit this is one.

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Like a Drug

Slowly the feelings drift away
Almost like a distant memory
Thoughts and emotions made up
So very long ago
The dream state takes over
Its no longer relevant to life
To the everyday
To how everything functions
It takes but a day
That takes all that away
Cutting it all fresh
There in front to face