Tuesday, February 20, 2024
The memories don't stop
Wednesday, March 17, 2021
Not Sleeping
Thursday, March 4, 2021
Saying goodbye
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
What am I supposed to say?
Caroline has seen her social life deminish over the past couple years. She still has friends, but she goes out and sees them less and less. It's not because she doesn't want to, she does. But all the reasons she doesn't share makes people invite her less and less. So Caroline is thinking about what she's supposed to do, because she can't tell them all.
She can't tell her friends that she isn't being lazy, or stand-offish, she wants to go to the bar after work for a drink. Or dinner to chat. But she's broke. Somehow with three jobs, she is always broke. It depresses the hell out of her and she needs friends more, but she can't say, "sorry, I can't afford the gas it would take to drive to your place, I need to save that for work."
She can't tell friends that sometimes it's the fact that she doesn't have the money to buy a side/dessert/drink to bring to the party, and it makes her uncomfortable to not bring anything, so she just doesn't go.
She can't tell them she doesn't invite people over anymore because she was told that her house is small. Even when her event was outside.
She can't tell them that sometimes the anxiety that developed a few years ago is sometimes stronger than the pep talk she gives herself to go out.
She can't tell people that her migraines drain all the life out of her now. She feels so boring.
She can't tell people that she's sure now she suffers from depression. But she can't affort to get that verified by a doctor.
She can't tell people all that because it is embarrassing. And what would it change?
She misses her friends and doing things, but not sure what she can do about it.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Why she was happier 'thinner'
Because she didn't have to listen to the twenty thousand people around her telling her how to be healthy. It was easier to ignore. When everyone is telling you (directly or indirectly) that you are fat and unhealthy, you can't really help but obsess over it. All day. Thinking about "hmm, I don't have a salad, should I just skip lunch because God knows McDonald's is the devil and if I eat that I just feed their stereotype." ALL. THE. TIME.
She wasn't happier because she was thinner. She played the same activities. No matter the weight. Bowling, volleyball, hiking, walking, running, yard work, house work, yoga, Pilates Didn't really matter the size. Is being thinner "healthier"? Sure! Of course it is. But she doesn't think that, that was what made her happier.
It was not having the constant voices telling her how to improve. Oh, they were still there. Because goodness knows, people have to constantly tell others what they should eat. Or how they should look. Or how they shouldn't feel good about themselves.
There was also the ability to join the 'well I did it, so you can too' club. The group of super special people that 'buckled down' and lost weight with just 'some self control' so everyone should be able too. "Look at me! Look at me!" Because who doesn't want to be able to tell those people to just "shut up" while sitting at the same table? It's a bit harder to do that when you are at the "you still can't handle your weight" table....with your take out food.
So Caroline is thinking, while she would like to be thinner (she has some clothes she wants to wear...) that she is going to try hard to ignore everyone, because she can't waste her time being unhappy with herself all the time. That is truly unhealthy.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
I am awesome
Caroline is thinking today, that that is utter crap. She's tried that. Maybe it is just her on the whole that some people don't like. But Caroline is thinking that she IS fucking awesome. And if someone can't see that. Can't see the loyalty. The support. The best. Then it isn't Caroline's fault. It's theirs.
She isn't going to tear herself down over a relationship that never really was or one that she never really wanted, because the other person is a douche. She isn't going to tear herself down and continually question "what is wrong with me" over past relationships that didn't work.
She's going to start working on the not caring. Because with all her faults, and there are many, she's awesome. And she really does know that. She just doesn't act like it or show it. She tries to change too often for those around her. She tries to 'read' what they may want, and alters herself to fit.
She's kind of done with that. It hasn't worked so far, so she's not taking that path anymore if she can avoid it.
Caroline is thinking she is awesome, and those that don't see that, and/or choose others over her and/or push her aside, can suck it.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
I'm afraid if I don't stop this, I'm going to lose months again. Months to being totally uninspired. Months of lethargy. Months of more distancing myself from people. And ya know, that really doesn't work. Even if some people are assholes. I hope the spring brings enough sun that it cuts through this bull shit in my mind. That I can relax. That I can stop caring about everything. If I could narrow that down to just like work, bills and the boy, I would be a ok for while. I don't want to worry about my weight. I don't want to worry about this friendship or that friendship or that one. I don't want to worry about my stupid car. I'd say I want to be normal, but we all know that doesn't exist. I never wanted to be normal before anyway.
Guess this lost composure and just became rambling. Maybe I needed that. I've neglected all my blogs. So weird to think I was able to write 2 to three a night. Maybe I'll make that a goal and see where it goes.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
12 months
I haven't really wanted to think on here. The past 12 months have been hard for a myriad of reasons. I started a spiral of 'functioning' depression. I lost connection/communication/closeness with my best friend. I continued to unexplainably gain weight, despite a month of pneumonia. I found out my best friend from HS was a lesbian and recently watched as she got married. Another one of my kindered soul friends made the transformation of man into woman. I have had almost all my friends move to other states. I've had my childhood home and memories be destroyed. I have had just about every belief I hold be insulted and turned and questioned, yet I have not judged, only loved those friends that hit me hardest.
Yet I'm still here. I am still fighting. I am taking more college courses, despite the fact that I have no idea why I should anymore. I got a trainer so I can have someone to kick my ass, encourage me, and be proud of my accomplishments and not tell me they aren't good enough. I have also become a hermit.
I have decided that people who make the blanket statements about conservatives, Catholics, and Republicans can kiss my ass.
I am still here. I have to believe in a purpose for life. I have to work through everything going on in my life alone I suppose. It all led up to that I guess. So I will.
I'm still here through this, so I guess I can make it though whatever 'that' the future throws at me.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Ugh
So we all have things we don't like about ourselves, I may have more than others, but I don't know your mind. lol
Last night I came face to face with one of the things that annoys me, drunk me. Because drunk me tells you, over and over and over, that I'm drunk. I also tend to talk louder, yell more, act like a crazy girl, I also lose much of my 'personal space' issues. The worst of all this, is the next day, when it replays in my mind over and over and over. Did I have fun? Help yeah! Do I think I made a fool of myself? Yup. I can remember the eyebrows raises or the sighs from those in a more sober state around me.
I freak out when people start to leave me when I'm like this. Not that I want to force anyone to hang around. But when I start seeing everyone leave, my brain goes into a sober up mode, because I know I'll be walking to that car alone if I don't have someone drive me home.
And all this is why drunk me annoys me. It's fun at the time, but the next day...all the fun of it gets sucked away. Blah