Truth is I'm terrified

So much change. So much has happened. So much that needs to happen. I feel backed into a corner and I am fighting my way out. but in that struggle I also have to fight me. Fight complacently. Fight the self sabotage and doubt. Oh no, I couldn't just leave it to fight the world only.

I'm not so much terrified, but concerned that I'm going to WAY over think something a friend said to me. I probably shouldn't, bit well, its me, I'm going to want to understand.

There are roads around me. There's the road that I am on. Just like everyone else I have no idea what is right or if its the right path. I want to be on the correct one. I don't want to let opportunities go by anymore in any area of my life. I've just always been so bad about reading the signs until its too late though. Sometimes I need someone to tell me, especially if they are on the same road, where we are going. I seem to only be able to take charge when I know no one else will.

hmm...lol, maybe I should stop rambling and try to sleep....its just been a long time since I've just sat outside and enjoyed a storm. They energize me and inspire me like nothing else...wish it would take away doubt with the passing clouds too. :)

I cried on my way to work

And I am still sitting in the car. I am already three hours late, I should go in. I need to pay bills and feed the kid, but I started having a panic attack on my way there. It could be a mix of car drama, life drama, and the job...but I didn't start freaking out about the car. Just driving here. Thinking about going in and dealing with things I don't want to. Dealing with yet another change of policy. Another idea. All I want is my exit. Damn it, I have earned my exit from there. It shouldn't be as stressful, or even more so, than it was when I started. Why is this job still in my life!? Maybe I'm a masicist, and since I can't be in a shitty relationship, I stay in a job that treats me like shit. I'm tired of stressing from this place. oh dear God I don't want to go in there. :'(

And there it is

So I haven't been on in a while, even though I said I was going to go back to being back all normal like. Its not that I haven't had access to a computer, but my computer that I write on, the one I had just gotten back, decided that it wanted to have a virus on it. A big ol' nasty virus that I couldn't stop. I have been hoping to get someone to help me get my info off the hard drive and then wipe it clean and start over, but it hasn't been easy to hold anyone down to it. Besides, I use a Window's OS, and my friends are snobs :P and only like Macs. lol So, I am biding my time. I really want the stuff off my hard drive and I am really not prepared to spend the money on a new computer just yet. This brings me back the computer I can use. It works. Its handy. It travels and I like it. But when I am writing, my big ol' fingers can't seem to hit the right buttons and so I don't like writing a lot on here. But not writing anything is getting to me just as much. lol Go figure.

I considered making this a dumping ground blog post, but figured I would give people warning before hand. :) I'm nice that way. lol Hope everyone is doing well. I am sure I will get back in to the swing of things here soon. fingers crossed.