Is about stories to share

She looked down at the speedometer, her mind had wandered and now she was only going 4 over the speed limit. Not quite the speedster that she usually is. Where is my head today? echoed in her mind. The constant whirl of the tires and the intermittent thump from the bumps in the road did nothing to keep her mind on the present. The radio had been turned down to a bare whisper minutes before, when it was noticed that each song seemed to hold yet another message that she longed to share or an emotion that she was wrestling with.

"Tell me a story," she asked.
A questioning feeling floated back in reply to her request. Oh well..

"About what?"
"It doesn't matter. Just make something up."
"I don't know if I could do that..."

She looked up, hoping for some sign that could ease her mind.

"Tell me about a cloud." Pointing out the windshield to the only cloud in the sky. "Tell me about that cloud." Miles away, and solitary, but the gray bunching at the bottom made the cloud seem strong.

"Hmmm, well, his name is Bob."
"Bob?"
"Yes, and he is a very old cloud. Thousands of years old."
"I see."
"Bob doesn't have many friends. Just a few other clouds. They live over in India and China and Antartica."
"Wow, that's far...does he see them often?"
"No, sadly not. He has to work and so do they. They have to water the world."

She could see him looking out the window, looking for something else to share about Bob. Its not easy to make up a story on the spot, she knew, but he seemed to be doing well. At the least, he was making her smile and forget her problems for a bit.

"Bob loves to watch trees and people. He looks down on them and likes to see all the people mowing their lawns."
"Why is that?"
"Because that's what he likes."
Of course she thinks.

For the first time that week, she feels peaceful. A simple story about a cloud seems to make her troubles go to the back of her mind. Her grin is genuine. She's not sure that if she told him how wonderful his quick little story was, he would believe her.

Silence drifts back. The low mummer of the radio and the contact of the wheels on the pavement dominate the interior again. Sighing at how sort lived that moment was, she looks back at the instruments on the dashboard.

"That tree over there...that tree's name is Bob too..."
She smiles again, perhaps he knows how good a story teller he is after all.

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Silently the cursor blinks
Yet the blinking seems louder
Than any train passing by
The reply is blank still
The question asked
And emptiness has been given back
Looking away seems like
It would be a simple answer
But like a giant light
In the middle of a dark field
It draws the mind back
Like a multicolored bug

Frick! Crap! Dang it!

So ever since I told people (you all reading this) that I had these goals..I've totally slacked on them. Go figure. grrrr Its like I fight myself on things I want. Totally annoying. Hoping to get on track tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow. If I say tonight I will just lose myself on tumblr or something like that. I'm annoyed though. I know I am doing it to myself. I am letting me distract me. I need to not do that.

I think I am slowly losing my motivation in one thing...and its spilling over into others. At least I can see that and will do my damnedest to stop it.

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Silently the night moves over
The breeze taking away the
Reminiscent of the day
With it the sounds of waking
And the hustle of traffic
To be replaced by the anxious bugs
And quiet still of the air
Reflection and hopes seem to
Thrive when the light of day
Has gone to sleep
Is it any wonder
Some of us long for this time
When the Earth rotates to darkness

Is that this is rather amusing

So, its near the end of the week and I'm taking it easy. I was going to skip posting today, but a friend sent me an email with a bunch of newspaper clippings. Now lots of these I had seen before (some of them I am not going to bother reposting), but some of them were new...and some were too funny to not see again. I feel the most sorry for the woman they reported as a prostitute...wonder if she got any interesting calls on that one. I may post more later when I am feeling lazy again. :)










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The crackle of electricity
Passes unseen by everyone
The spark at such a simple touch
Never ceases to amaze
Hard to believe such a feeling
Such a passing of energy
Between two souls
Is only experienced by one

I think too much. lol

Can't decide on what to talk about. Lots going through my mind and lots of ideas I want to finish or start. What did I do tonight though? Read. Granted, it was a riviting piece of work written by a friend. lol I think I lost 3/4 hours there. I am having to make myself stop. (That's a good sign btw. :) ) I will enjoy marking this off my list because it was totally enjoyable.

I had a good talk with a friend the other day. Lately I have been feeling like I am being too harsh in judging something or that my view of it was/is skewed. Thankfully(???) without me taking the lead, she said the things I was thinking. Agreed with the things I thought were wrong or messed up. Not sure if this backing will have me speaking up more on some matters, but at least I know its not just me...in a way though, I wish it had just been me, because that would make things better for other people. Reality is horrid ya know? lol

I was told by someone that a friend told them (that's not a confusing sentence lol) that they are no longing going to be going on a float trip with me this month. Then that person sounded like they were going to bail on it too. I still want to go though. I need my nature time. I'll just have to see if my other friends are still up for it. Or I can just go solo. lol It would not be the first time, nor will it be the last time, that I ended up doing something on my own because no one else was up for it. Just would change what I did and where I went. No worries though. :)

Caroline is thinking that she is really confused about some things right now. She wants this weird feeling of unease that has settled over everything and everyone she knows to move on and bother some other people for a while.
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Utter Confusion

Hold on to me tight
And don't let go
But don't go to fast
You need to go slow
I need you by me
All of the time
You should know what I am thinking
Ignorance of that to me is a crime
But you can't really know me
No matter how you try
I want to know about you though
But you need to wait while I cry
I want to be with you
You know how the story goes
But I can't have a boring life
I need to keep you on your toes

That I have always been a proponent of taking responsibilty for your own actions...

...Yet for some reason lately, Caroline has started to realize that she has taken too much of the blame in certain situations in her life. She is beginning to think that, yes, there are times where she can say, "I might have played a small role, but you messed up my life (or day or whatever)." She doesn't want to take the blame anymore, and realizes that she doesn't have to.

I've never been one to believe that things just happen or that one thing/person is to blame. I see the web surrounding it. The multiple causes. (There is a whole tangent on this one...) I also, like I said, am a firm believer in taking responsibility when you, yourself, mess up. It happens. It sucks, but it happens, so don't go blaming all your woes on someone else.

So for years, I have taken a personal blame for things. Its all my fault things turned out the way there are. I screwed up my life all on my own. In some areas, yeah, I let myself be guided away from my goals. However, as I was sitting in reflection on my life and where its going, where it could of been, and how I took it all, I got pissed. Not just sort of mad, pissed.

I did a good job of messing some things up, but this person...ugh, they had no soul. For years I have been 'upset' with them, and joked that they have no soul, but always felt that things were my fault really. If I had done this, if I had been like that, if if if. I hate ifs. In this situation I am done with them. They won't change anything. I think allowing myself to let go of the ifs, allowed me to be angry. I should have been angry years ago. There are reasons people called you demon.

And I blame you, sir for it. I blame you for taking away things in my life I worked so hard for. For making me believe that I wasn't good enough to do things. That the things I was working towards were useless. That I was only good enough for what you might deem to let me have. I blame you for getting me stuck here because of your damn selfishness and lies. I blame you. You didn't have to tell me the stories. You didn't have to fill my head with ideas that with you, everything was going to be ok. I had been doing fine without them. I would have preferred you hadn't shook my naivete in the world. Or my ability to trust blindly or believe the good things people say to me. I blame you for leaving me to believe when you said you would be there, you would.

Now I can be done with it. Or at least try to. I don't have to deal with you on a day to day basis, and I am no longer going to fear that it will ever change. I can tell you to take a flying leap should I need to. I no longer care how I live my life might effect yours. Congrats, you got me to blame someone for something.

I may feel guilty for saying it. (It may take me 2 weeks to finally post it with enough guts even though you will never see it.) I may cringe that I have actually blamed someone else for a road my life has taken, because I never have before. I think I need to though. I am starting with you.

(original post day 6-20-09)

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Insomnia

I lay here, not able to sleep
Not quite able to cry.
I feel so empty, but also
So full of....something
I don't understand any of this
I want it all to go away
But that's a great fear all on its own
I don't know what I want
I don't know what I don't want
I don't think I want to be me
I am tired of myself
I am tired of my inability to
change the things I want to
I don't want uncertainty
I don't want the hard road anymore
I want to be able to rewrite parts
of my history
I want to be a me I can never be
The thoughts keep swirling
Making me tired,
but unable to sleep.
My soul is exhausted.

Is that I am an emotional whirlwind

Ok, so that's not all that this blog is about....but I just saw something...and it unexpectedly tore my heart out. Seriously what the hell. I can't keep letting things bother me like this, but I don't expect them too! But there I am, going about my business then SLAM. Right there. Upside my head. I'm shambled. Maybe its because I attach things/places/sayings/thoughts/songs/etc. to people. Seriously. I have no right to be mad...but I kind of am. ...Totally killed my vibe. :(

Well, lets see if I can write my way out of this. I was going to start off by joking about how when I come up with a good topic in my car for a blog, I really should write it down and not go, "oh no, this time I will remember." That is a blatant lie. I never remember, and then I'm all frustrated because I can't remember! Vicious cycle!

I think I am going to have to break down and schedule my days. I hate doing that, mainly because I know I like to change my own schedule just because I can. Trying to keep it on track is damn near impossible anyway when you have a kid involved and a work schedule that sounds like it has a beginning and an end...but is just washy. (Oddly enough, its close to the same argument I use for budgeting...)

I was reading an article about writing and they said, especially if you have another job, you should schedule your writing, just like it was another job. Thing is, I have all these other things to complete, and I am already trying to mess it up because I decided to read a fluff book instead of one of the many books I have to study from. ...Although I like to think the fluff book was sort of research/genre absorption for my book. lol So I am already working on the sabotage. I will not let it be!!

To appease myself, I am going to switch the days. Monday study this, Tuesday study that, Wednesday happy reading (this can be ok only once a week, only takes me a few hours to read those books anyway...), etc. Ok, so I am not positive how I am going to make this work. I still need to schedule in my writing, my daily writing, and my workouts. OH, and a life. I would like to make sure I schedule that in too. I am trying not to put pressure on myself, but idk, maybe its just what I need. It could keep my mind off other things that are bothering me. Right? :)

~~

This weekend was fun. One of my favorite bars, the Sandbar was celebrating 20 years by throwing a block party out side their bar. I got to hang out with some friends from college that rarely get to see, dress up like a pirate and dance like a goob in front of lots of people. :) Yeah, I wouldn't have wanted to miss that at all. It was a bit hectic, but totally worth it, especially since they let me have all the dirty banana drinks I wanted. lol

Going to one thing though, meant I had to miss one thing completely and only make 'an appearance' at another.

One of my old co-worker/friends was having a bachelorette party that night too. They were starting when I was supposed to be getting ready to dance though, so that didn't happen.

The other was a house warming party for a new friend. I had problems with this one. 1) It was a new friend, so honestly, I wasn't sure if I was even invited. Seriously. 2) I get freaked out going to parties where I don't know most the people. Its my own form of anxiety. And with the mood I was in, I couldn't go in alone and mingle with what my mind was making into couples, couples, couples. Makes it even more awkward for me. I am grateful that a friend encouraged me to come for a bit though. I 'woman-ed' up and walked over from the Sandbar. Most importantly, after I got my unease under control, I had some fun. I was fine with my decision to stay at the bar for the rest of the night and not come back to the party, until a friend posted a great video from it. And damn it, now I regret leaving. lol Ah well, we can't be everywhere at once, and someone has to leave the party first right?

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The night doesn't offer protection
That the mind hopes it will
The thoughts that are so clear
In the light of the sun
Become so much more when
Shared in the night with your mind
The dreams that you hoped wouldn't happen
The hopes that you hid away
Often come out and taunt you
After the light of day
The double edged sword of the night's plan
Is a tricky plot indeed
To show you images of all you want
Then take it away when it reveals the sun
Or to show you what is in your world
And than wake you to the truth that is.
When your other senses rest
Your heart and mind go to war.
No the night doesn't offer protection
That your soul might hope it would.

Is that lately I have been setting a lot of goals

I've always had some goals. Some dreams that I hope to accomplish...but I never really set a time frame. I always figured if I didn't set an actual time frame, I wouldn't have to worry about not hitting my goal because, technically, I have forever.

This year I set some actual timed goals. Yeah, the dates are give or take a week, but they are still there none the less. This freaks me out completely. I am so good at self sabotage. I don't want to fail at these tasks that I set for myself. I am ready to be done with them so I can move on to more. Because I think I have some what been sitting on hold for 10 years.

I notice day to day the time passing, but on the grand scale of things. On looking at my life as a whole....SHIT! I need to get a move on. When did all this time slip past me? Probably when I was in denial. lol

So I need to list out some of my goals because I will forget one or slack on one and then, well, fail. Biggest ones right now are getting back on track with my book and getting at least 15 pages done a month (yeah, I'm making it easy), finishing studying for the GRE test that I plan to take 'hopefully' before my birthday (This gives me just under 2 months, anyone wanna help me study? lol) and refresh my limited knowledge in a new field and broaden it as well, so that I could actually get a job in it. Now, the time frame on this one is somewhat optimistic, but I am a smart person, so I am also giving myself till my birthday for this. Why my birthday? Well....I might be setting a time frame to end my current employment. We'll see. I am NOT saying I am quitting...especially since this is the Internets and that could just get me into loads of trouble. :)

After I have the GRE completed, I have forms and forms and some more forms to fill out for aid & grants & applications for grad school. I really like KU's master's program, but have always wanted to take classes at George Washington U in DC. I could actually take some of their courses online, which may be pricey but...idk. Not being there would definitely be a disadvantage, since connections are VITAL in my field. Sorry, that was a tangent there lol Anyway... Most of the Poli Sci & Pubic Admin. programs only accept applications up to early spring, because everyone starts in the fall and so forth. So, the deadline for me on this is January. Yeah, its a long deadline, but omg I hate filling out forms that are all the same. That, and I need to compose a good letter as to why I let my grades slip my last 3 semesters at KU. Yes, having a kid is a good reason, but still.

Also, keeping in mind all of these that I want to accomplish because I want to be a part of this (new field which interests me way too much and politics, which has always made me oddly happy), I also want to continue my work towards my own restaurant type business. Should I get the info I need on that, it would COMPLETELY take me away from everything else, because lack of attention would cause a quick death to it. I know there are programs out there for me, and I need to seriously consider pulling together a plan so I can ask other people to help back it. So, I need to get more research done on this and scout out locations in the area. Get some statistics on neighborhoods, local zoning laws and all that other fun stuff. Woot. I could say my goal is to get that started, but I need to set up my check list first. SO, I will say I have till the end of September to get that checklist complied and along with it what I'll need to do to get things done on it (numbers/websites and the like).

So, maybe my chest constricts a bit when I write this down and put deadlines down. I am a procrastinator by nature, so I worry on that too. But mainly, its there. I have to do it now. It also give me a feeling like there is a little light inside, and its overly happy that I am taking the chance and that I haven't settled. :)

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Why didn't I fight for you?
Why don't I fight for anyone?
You would think with my competitive streak
That I would pull out all stops
Or maybe its that streak that
Keeps me from it.
For in losing someone without trying
I lose nothing but the chance and person
But if I were to really try
And with all the efforts
The results just the same
Wouldn't I then also lose both my pride
And hope?

Is that nothing is static

I think I am going to give up trying to figure out what is going on in my life, my friends' lives, the world in general. Just as soon as I think I do, for better or worse, its wrong. I am most happy sometimes when I am wrong. I know... strange that.

Like the clouds that roll through, everything is constantly changing. Today it might be stormy, but if you just hold out, tomorrow there will be sun. Even if it is a week or two of crappy weather, things aren't all that bad. I think when we are in the midst of the a long 'storm' (many of these self conceived) we lose sight of that. We forget that storms happen. They have to.

It makes the world better in then end too. It may not always, but it can.

I've had a bunch of unexpected storms lately. I think maybe I read the weather pattern wrong on some. Maybe not, but I'm looking for that edging of sunlight that brings to mind hope and awe. Perhaps its the Libra in me, looking for balance.

I know that is why when someone asks my opinion, I may not give what is directly on my mind/heart, but more so the balanced answer. Which brings more sanity or insanity to a situation? Ah, what a burden. Its easier to beat the Libra face to face sometimes. lol





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When has what I thought mattered
The course of the world is not going to change
Due to any feelings that I have
Swiftly flowing it goes on
Like the river,
It doesn't matter if it is drowning me

That I may have lost something important to me

These things happen. Time pushes forward whether we want it to or not. The ideas we have in our mind as to the two ways something can turn out by our actions always leaves out the missing third and forth options.

I totally didn't see that third option.

I guess I knew it was a possibility, but none the less it is always a surprise when a relationship changes with someone. When it goes from sharing all the time to random day check-ins. When someone you spoke with everyday or met with everyday, becomes almost less than a friend and more of an acquaintance. When you wish you saw a way back, but knew there wasn't one because things are how they are. How they are supposed to be... Right?

I guess if I am going to have a up/down week with friends it is no surprise that this one got thrown in there too. I would have preferred it not be though. I'm going to miss it all, and right now, I don't have the strength to fight for it even though I want to.

This person was pretty one of a kind for me and the impact they have had on my life is almost too much to calculate. This of course makes this all the harder. So many voids that are left. I had no idea this was the road I was going down when I started it. This realization that it seems to all be lost is going to take a while to cope with.

I've never been good at mourning friendships, tends to leave such a big mark. I wish them nothing but the best in all they do.
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The morning asked where you were
For you were there with me to greet it
And I sighed as I rolled over
Telling it to ask me later
The noon day sun shone down
Ready to fill my face with its light
But I had created a cloud above me
Making it wait for the right
The evening breeze wound over
Looking to entwine us together
And I shut the door to the growing wind
Because nothing can last forever

That this is a bit delayed, but was asked to do it so... :)

I've been away from this blog for a while. I have my reasons. I've still been writing, but as I told someone else, I just wasn't up for sharing it. Sometimes things we write from the soul tell too much, and it hurts too much when others can't see the depth of which you feel it. Somethings are best to just stay in my moleskine, I am trying to learn that. I will probably write two blogs tonight (WOO HOO) but first baby steps...if you call sharing some of your fears baby steps. lol

A friend of mine, Megan, passed this on to me. I don't think I will pass it on though (too few blogs I follow I suppose).

The Honest Scrap award is given by other bloggers who consider a blog’s content or design to be brilliant. The awardees must then post ten honest things about themselves and pass the award on to other bloggers who fit the bill – in other words, whose blog is brilliant.”

I think honesty is put to the test when you tell people things you’d rather not share. Things that scare you. So here’s 10 painfully honest / potentially disturbing things about me (proceed with caution):

1) I am completely and utterly vain. OK, not in the 'I am better than you' way. But in the 'if there is a mirror around me, watch, I will be talking to you THROUGH the mirror'. I watch myself. I can't help it, I've tried. Think most of the time it is so I can see how stupid I look, or see if I can make 'the' face I want. Maybe it makes reality just an image that I can live through and not face head on. I could go on with the reasonings, but honestly, I really try not to, but its always fun when friends catch on. I don't really think I have any reason to be vain since...

2)... My self confidence is often shattered by what I perceive to be reality and my horrid self body image. Chalk it up to always being bigger then your older sisters (I mean height wise...well at first.) You always feel not just big, but HUGE when you are taller then everyone else, and since I have never mastered the 'art' of being anorexic or bulimic, just due to basic physics, I am bigger in every other way too. You try standing next to your 5'4" best friend who wears a size 0 and you tell me you wouldn't start having issues! Or see all guys in your life (friends and otherwise) always choose the shorter 'cute', smaller girl. I work on this. But I do blame lots of things in my life on this. Lost relationships being the biggest. Because other then my slight insanity, my personality is awesome, why else would I be single? lol See what I deal with in my head?! ugh, moving on....

3) I live a contridiction in needs.One of them being that I love empty, clean spaces...but like lots of stuff. I am a budding pack rat (although I really do work on this too sometimes lol). I often crave the ability to rid myself of so much of the stuff I have, but can't seem to emotionally detach from them. / I have papers I wrote (not stories, but like math homework nonsense) from grade school. Yes, grade school. Not a lot mind you, but that's the thing, I keep things for memories. I can tell you stories about everything I own that leads me back to a person/event that in some way impacted my life. I still cherish the birthday card my grandma sent me when I was 6. I don't think she ever knew I thought of her that much. /I think my friends think I am kidding when I tell them that I would welcome their help in getting rid of things, I don't know where to start, and I want to share that memory one last time with someone else.

4) I take EVERYTHING personally. I think that says it all. No real exceptions there. Maybe it plays in with my vanity, because if you are in a bad mood, I contributed. That paper you wrote? Bout me. That song you mention? me. Work sucked? My fault. Sleep late? My fault. Didn't get enough sleep? My fault. You aren't happy? I did something to cause it. You are having a great time? Well...I like to think that was me. lol But.... Overall though, I at least realize I think this way and am generally able to talk myself down. lol

5) I also have a very guilty concious and feel bad for everything. Its bad. Example: I don't steal, but if something goes missing, my stomach twists and I worry that they'll think its me and because I just naturally feel guilty, I'll act guilty and then they will REALLY think its me. lol I feel guilty for thinking things in my head, as if those that the thoughts are directed to could hear and feel them. ....Yeah, I have issues. I know this.

6) I was taught to always be nice, if not civil to everyone. Everyone has their moments. However, 90% of people annoy the crap out of me 50% of the time, this wears on the niceness card. Sadly this facade is getting cracks in it. Why is it sad? Because I really usually like everyone! I don't want to let them know when they annoy me, because they won't ALWAYS annoy me. lol There aren't many people I don't try to/want to get along with, there are a few, but very few.

7) I have some childhood drama that I will probably never get over, so I don't bother talking about it. It makes me the 'quirky' person I am. However, I long for the day when I meet someone who will let me tell them all of it and will still be there for me when I am done. I almost thought I had that once.

8) Spiders. You may think that is not an especially 'personally honest' thing for me but..it is. I didn't always hate spiders. They were just icky and I didn't want them in my hair. Then I watched Charlotte's Web. I don't think I ever realized how many baby spiders are born at a time! OMG think of the brothers & sisters out for revenge if you kill one!! I did not want that wrath on me, so I started getting other people to kill the spiders...so the relaltives wouldn't come after me for revenge. Then I took an outdoor survival class. (The kind where I learned to make my own bowls and shoes from plants.) They were going to drop us in the middle of a forest and we were to find our way back, so they wanted to make sure we knew about the poisonous things. I learned about Black Widows and Brown Recluses. Oddly, Black Widows don't scare me as much. I now see all spiders as Brown Recluses however. Yes, even some black ones..because ya know the males and females are different colors. On top of them being tricky hunters with no webs, they still have that family of thousands out there. So I don't like spiders. :)

9) People who drop plans on me for stupid reasons make me very angry. Missing something because you over slept in the morning, however, is NEVER a stupid reason.

10) Well, I could end this with #10 being that I am constently worried about my friends leaving/not liking me or that I routinely deny being depressed or that I fear I will never reach any of my goals in life. But...that seems sad. So, I will end with telling you that although I do firmly now believe that I will probably never get married & have more kids, (too many things in my life have showed me this, especially in the past year) I still hope that I am wrong. :)

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The clouds began gathering
Thunder not heard by others rolled
Flashes of lightning blinded
The rumbling of it over took everything else
There was no power against the storm
No easy way to disperse the coming rain
The mind was full and would release
When it felt like pouring down