I am awesome

What Caroline's been thinking is that she lets the belief that the reason certain relationships don't turn out how she would think they would/should guide her in the wrong direction. She always believes it's her. No matter if it's just friendship or something more, or even those where...well it gets all complicated and murky. That if she was thinner. Or daintier. Or 'girlier'. Or smarter. Or stupider. Or funnier. Or less funny. Or talked more. Or talked less. If she went out more. Drank more. Went out less. Drank less. Shorter. Prettier. That if she was one or all of these things, then the relationship with person X would be the perfect way it should be in the way of the Universe. 
Caroline is thinking today, that that is utter crap. She's tried that. Maybe it is just her on the whole that some people don't like. But Caroline is thinking that she IS fucking awesome. And if someone can't see that. Can't see the loyalty. The support. The best. Then it isn't Caroline's fault. It's theirs. 
She isn't going to tear herself down over a relationship that never really was or one that she never really wanted, because the other person is a douche. She isn't going to tear herself down and continually question "what is wrong with me" over past relationships that didn't work. 
She's going to start working on the not caring. Because with all her faults, and there are many, she's awesome. And she really does know that. She just doesn't act like it or show it. She tries to change too often for those around her. She tries to 'read' what they may want, and alters herself to fit. 
She's kind of done with that. It hasn't worked so far, so she's not taking that path anymore if she can avoid it. 
Caroline is thinking she is awesome, and those that don't see that, and/or choose others over her and/or push her aside, can suck it. 

I've been thinking that it's funny how I want to talk to absolutely no one, and everyone. All at the same time. I could actually feel the pull of the depression this time. I could. And I pushed it away, I was surprised as hell. I thought I was going to stay level, but I sit here wondering why I even bother trying to have friends. Why do I talk to people? It always...collapses. Either by distance, time, me or them. And it is just shitty. But as I sit here thinking about how I don't care, I sit here wondering if anyone would come to a bbq this month. And it frightens me. Because I'm not strong enough. Strong enough to deal with people saying no. Strong enough to try and push through my longing to be alone but with people. Strong enough to not care either way. Why isn't life easy? lol 
I'm afraid if I don't stop this, I'm going to lose months again. Months to being totally uninspired. Months of lethargy. Months of more distancing myself from people. And ya know, that really doesn't work. Even if some people are assholes. I hope the spring brings enough sun that it cuts through this bull shit in my mind. That I can relax. That I can stop caring about everything. If I could narrow that down to just like work, bills and the boy, I would be a ok for while. I don't want to worry about my weight. I don't want to worry about this friendship or that friendship or that one. I don't want to worry about my stupid car. I'd say I want to be normal, but we all know that doesn't exist. I never wanted to be normal before anyway. 
Guess this lost composure and just became rambling. Maybe I needed that. I've neglected all my blogs. So weird to think I was able to write 2 to three a night. Maybe I'll make that a goal and see where it goes. 

12 months

I haven't really wanted to think on here. The past 12 months have been hard for a myriad of reasons. I started a spiral of 'functioning' depression. I lost connection/communication/closeness with my best friend. I continued to unexplainably gain weight, despite a month of pneumonia. I found out my best friend from HS was a lesbian and recently watched as she got married. Another one of my kindered soul friends made the transformation of man into woman. I have had almost all my friends move to other states. I've had my childhood home and memories be destroyed. I have had just about every belief I hold be insulted and turned and questioned, yet I have not judged, only loved those friends that hit me hardest.

Yet I'm still here. I am still fighting. I am taking more college courses, despite the fact that I have no idea why I should anymore. I got a trainer so I can have someone to kick my ass, encourage me, and be proud of my accomplishments and not tell me they aren't good enough. I have also become a hermit.

I have decided that people who make the blanket statements about conservatives, Catholics, and Republicans can kiss my ass.

I am still here. I have to believe in a purpose for life. I have to work through everything going on in my life alone I suppose. It all led up to that I guess. So I will.

I'm still here through this, so I guess I can make it though whatever 'that' the future throws at me. 

Ugh

So we all have things we don't like about ourselves, I may have more than others, but I don't know your mind. lol
Last night I came face to face with one of the things that annoys me, drunk me. Because drunk me tells you, over and over and over, that I'm drunk. I also tend to talk louder, yell more, act like a crazy girl, I also lose much of my 'personal space' issues. The worst of all this, is the next day, when it replays in my mind over and over and over. Did I have fun? Help yeah! Do I think I made a fool of myself? Yup. I can remember the eyebrows raises or the sighs from those in a more sober state around me.

I freak out when people start to leave me when I'm like this. Not that I want to force anyone to hang around. But when I start seeing everyone leave, my brain goes into a sober up mode, because I know I'll be walking to that car alone if I don't have someone drive me home.

And all this is why drunk me annoys me. It's fun at the time, but the next day...all the fun of it gets sucked away. Blah

March Madness?

Growing up in Joplin, Mo, I didn't pay any attention to college basketball. Heck, I am not sure anyone did. I don't remember anyone talking about watch parties, or commercials on TV. Maybe I was oblivious (and let me tell you, I found ways to watch A LOT of TV, so I would have seen them). I started playing basketball in Junior High. But still, outside of my school, or schools in my district, that was about it. Ok, I did pay attention to the NBA, but college basketball? I didn't really think about it. And worst of worst to admit, I had a Mizzou Tigers bumper sticker on my desk. ...I did live in Missouri and remember, I was a kid, I didn't know better.

When I moved to Kansas my Sophomore year of High School, I was upset...and completely confused by all the attention to the colleges. Colleges to me, were still just where you went to learn. The Ivy Leagues were the best, along with Notre Dame and Georgetown. I was soon to learn a new way of thinking of them.

Along with my slow growing love of football, I learned more and more about KSU and KU. The rivalry, the culture, the teams. And I totally bought into it. I still didn't pay attention to the seasons or championships, only when they played each other or one of my guy friends wanted to watch.

Then I made the academic choice to go to the University of Kansas. That's where my oblivion kind of took a flying dive off Allen Fieldhouse. You may be able to avoid team/school spirit elsewhere, but in Lawrence KS, it's life. It's everywhere. EVERYWHERE. The first basketball game I went to, I was lost. I learned about the NCAA Championship (which could be why I know nothing about the NIT except that we don't want to be in it). Over the years, brackets became a norm with every group of people I know.

Now, despite me not wanting to care at the beginning I do. Not wanting to care if we should lose, but I do. Not going to make plans to watch the games, but I do. Not wanting to hope, but I do. The Jayhawks really get you into it. The history, the passion, the excitement.

So now I notice the March Madness. And I have a love/hate relationship with it. I try not to let my superstition get to me today- especially with someone in our seats.

Rock Chalk Jayhawk Go KU!!

The Middle Ground

I find myself in a conundrum...or at least I think I have....or at least I think I have found the core of a problem(s). If you want to do something, or reach a goal, you are told the power of positive thinking. Of seeing the end game. Of believing you can do it. If you don't see it happening at all, it never will. The problem I seem to find (and of course, my *brilliant* mind just came up with this hypothesis tonight, so bare with the huge gaps that are sure to be there) is that I don't not see the end game. I see the finished product. I see the work that will have to go into it. I believe, with full confidence, that I can do anything I set my mind too. That there is bound to be a way or an end. Why is that problem? Because it means I don't have to work for it.

I know what you are thinking, that doesn't make any freaking sense what so ever. But it does, to me. I know I can do it, I see it all happening. I see me doing this and that to get there....so I don't worry....and thus become lazy, and then I never reach that goal.

Let me give an example. Working out. Love her or hate her, I have always admired the muscles on Angelina Jolie's arms. She is toned...well, she's becoming too thin now, but that is neither here nor there. The point is, that's all I want. I don't need to be movie star thin, but I want to be toned. I can see me doing it too. (I've been there before after all.) I can see the hard work. I know the sweat and the push through required. I have my collection of workouts. I know how to pace and switch up. Blah, blah, blah. and then nothing. I sit and think about it. I don't for a second think I can't do it. (I love lifting weights after all.) Yet, somewhere, there is a disconnect. It doesn't happen. I somehow feel fulfilled for having figured it all out and knowing I could do it. Which is why I currently do not have arms like Angelina Jolie. lol

You could say that's just a load of crap because I am to lazy to workout, but it's not just with that. That was just one example. There are so many things I have like that.

Of course, when I don't think I can do anything, I do have the same result...nothing gets done. I firmly believe, without help, I will never clean out my garage. I never even fully get to a planning stage, because I think I know I can't do it.

There needs to be a happy medium. Some way to say "YOU CAN DO IT" and also say "But you won't do it all or make that goal, but you still need to try for that goal, but you might have to aim for a different goal after all." I don't think I can fit another voice inside my head though. lol

I don't know, maybe it's just me that has this problem. And if it is, that is ok, after all, the title of the blog is What Caroline's been thinking, not How the World is for Everyone. :)

I have no idea where this is going to go. Fair warning.

I'm stressed. There is only one part of my life that isn't really stressing me out, and oddly enough, that would be work. Everything else...AHHHH!
I guess most of this wouldn't be so bad if I could have talked it out with people, or with my friend. But those things aren't happening and don't look like it'll be that way again. Which also leads to more stress. I used to releave some stress by writing, but I haven't really done much of that either. So whether or not things really are in the shitter or I just feel that way, idk. It probably is the latter. I've dealt with so much worse, so all this...it shouldn't be keeping me up right now.
But it is.
I was so excited to get a working car the other week (still don't have it) because, not just for freedom to go where I choose, but because then I'll get to go visit my friends that I don't get to see much of anymore. This gets me in the cycle of, do they really want to be my friend if they don't want to put in an effort to see me? Yeah, I'm without a car at the moment, and have been for a while, but I haven't bugged anyone every week for a ride. One friend, ONE friend always offers to get me and makes an effort. Otherwise, I don't see anyone until I borrow a car and go to them. And yeah, maybe its not as serious as all that, but it sure as hell feels that way. So I get this car, drive to people and what? They will then want to see me? I guess I'm just sensitive already, and just people I care about keep fucking moving away. Good people. I can handle changes, but loss, loss I suck at. I swear, I feel like everytime I blink, someone else is gone. And I don't want to lose anymore. But maybe, maybe I just need to embrace it. Move somewhere. No, no idea where. But, why not? Then this house will be empty and maybe it could be the 4th home I've lived in to be destroyed after I go. Seriously, 2 by tornadoes. What the Fuck.
I just feel like I need to get shit out, but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But I'm killing myself this way. I just miss my friends...or blogging. Guess I'll see which one pans out.

The good news, bad news and frustrating news all in one

Got a letter in the mail today with my results...of everything. I apparently am the picture of health and have nothing, that the doctor can tell, wrong with me. Blood, sugar levels, cholesterol,all good.

This makes me happy in that my fears that I'd jacked up my sugar levels, or my thyroid was messed up are gone. But it doesn't solve why my side hurts all the damn time or why, despite activities, I am gaining weight & am so lethargic.

The pain isn't imaginary, SOMETHING is causing it. It's too regular/always present not to be. I can't ignore something that is causes me enough pain that I can't talk or breath comfortably. If it was, I wouldn't have made my SECOND trip to the doctor about it. So now I have to wonder if I should go to a different doctor or what. It obviously isn't going to go away. It's been almost a full year now.

So I guess I have two more options, but thinking one of them will cost me. Chiropractor and Alternative Medicine Dr.

Amazing how this news has everything all at once, because now I have no plan of real action to solve this. :(

Woot the doctor's

So, I went to the doctor's this morning. I called yesterday because I was still having a pain in my side, and in my opinion, more importantly, this year I've felt completely lethargic. If you've seen me, you wouldn't think I've been working out or watching what I eat, but I have. I just keep gaining weight. This all is not ok with me. One medical thing (migraines) is enough.

So he took some xrays (finally) and took my blood. Now to see. I was quite honest with him about everything. To be honest with all of you I'm not sure if I want something to be found or not. I'd like to think there is some other reason I am becoming the size of a balloon, but don't relish the thought of actually having something wrong either.
Guess I'll know in a week or so.

It's a loop d' loop

So, as many know, or may not know, my car Midnight died a few months ago. No, she can't be fixed short of a new engine. The cost of a new engine & install would be the cost of a car itself. Besides, she had other issues that a new engine wouldn't fix.

I, like many foolish people, have student loans & medical bills and what not. I am not going to get a good rate for a car loan. Nor do I want the $200+ payment associated with a new car. I simply want something that can get me from a to b and if I could actually leave town in it, all the better.

Here's the loop d loop: I need extra cash for a car. For that extra cash I need an extra job, but to get an extra job, I need a car. Getting to my regular job is going to become an issue by the end of the month as it is.

So, there is my issue. Due to my "special" location in town, public transportation is actually not an option...nor is walking really.

So I am feeling like Bill & Ted at the beginning of their Excellent Adventure, and need a time machine so I can go back (or forward) to get this even out. lol Anyone have that laying around?