Saying goodbye

Caroline's been thinking that one is never prepared for things that you've not experienced before. 

My dad passed away this morning. So many thoughts. He's been fighting cancer since at least 2018, and he had do it through COVID. That wiped most of his will, because there was nothing he could do or places to go. No friends to visit with. 

Went to sleep last night drunk. I haven'tbeen sleepingwell this week and I needed some help to fall asleep. Even drunk though, around 2am I was still awake and just crying and screaming and...all over the place. I knew this day was coming, but obviously didn't think it'd be today. Woke up around 4am to pee. I  thought. My watch (connected to my phone) went off saying my mom was calling. I knew what that meant. 

Called my mom,  she told me he had died.  I got dressed and headed over. From there everything seems very surreal. Random things making me go from calm to inconsolable. Seeing the funeral home & my son, carry my dad from his room to the black bag and then leaving the house. My dad left the house for the last time today. And I don't know how to cope. 

What am I supposed to say?

Caroline has seen her social life deminish over the past couple years. She still has friends, but she goes out and sees them less and less. It's not because she doesn't want to, she does. But all the reasons she doesn't share makes people invite her less and less. So Caroline is thinking about what she's supposed to do, because she can't tell them all.

She can't tell her friends that she isn't being lazy, or stand-offish, she wants to go to the bar after work for a drink. Or dinner to chat. But she's broke. Somehow with three jobs, she is always broke. It depresses the hell out of her and she needs friends more, but she can't say, "sorry, I can't afford the gas it would take to drive to your place, I need to save that for work."

She can't tell friends that sometimes it's the fact that she doesn't have the money to buy a side/dessert/drink to bring to the party, and it makes her uncomfortable to not bring anything,  so she just doesn't go.

She can't tell them she doesn't invite people over anymore because she was told that her house is small. Even when her event was outside.

She can't tell them that sometimes the anxiety that developed a few years ago is sometimes stronger than the pep talk she gives herself to go out.

She can't tell people that her migraines drain all the life out of her now. She feels so boring.

She can't tell people that she's sure now she suffers from depression. But she can't affort to get that verified by a doctor.

She can't tell people all that because it is embarrassing. And what would it change?

She misses her friends and doing things, but not sure what she can do about it.

Why she was happier 'thinner'

Caroline's been thinking about why she was happier when she was thinner. I mean really. She could do all the things she could before, she could just fit in smaller clothes and look 'cuter' for guys that still didn't pay attention. So why was she happier? 

Because she didn't have to listen to the twenty thousand people around her telling her how to be healthy. It was easier to ignore. When everyone is telling you (directly or indirectly) that you are fat and unhealthy, you can't really help but obsess over it. All day. Thinking about "hmm, I don't have a salad, should I just skip lunch because God knows McDonald's is the devil and if I eat that I just feed their stereotype." ALL. THE. TIME.

She wasn't happier because she was thinner. She played the same activities. No matter the weight. Bowling, volleyball, hiking, walking, running, yard work, house work, yoga, Pilates  Didn't really matter the size. Is being thinner "healthier"? Sure! Of course it is. But she doesn't think that, that was what made her happier. 

It was not having the constant voices telling her how to improve. Oh, they were still there. Because goodness knows, people have to constantly tell others what they should eat. Or how they should look. Or how they shouldn't feel good about themselves. 

There was also the ability to join the 'well I did it, so you can too' club. The group of super special people that 'buckled down' and lost weight with just 'some self control' so everyone should be able too. "Look at me! Look at me!" Because who doesn't want to be able to tell those people to just "shut up" while sitting at the same table? It's a bit harder to do that when you are at the "you still can't handle your weight" table....with your take out food. 

So Caroline is thinking, while she would like to be thinner (she has some clothes she wants to wear...) that she is going to try hard to ignore everyone, because she can't waste her time being unhappy with herself all the time. That is truly unhealthy. 

I am awesome

What Caroline's been thinking is that she lets the belief that the reason certain relationships don't turn out how she would think they would/should guide her in the wrong direction. She always believes it's her. No matter if it's just friendship or something more, or even those where...well it gets all complicated and murky. That if she was thinner. Or daintier. Or 'girlier'. Or smarter. Or stupider. Or funnier. Or less funny. Or talked more. Or talked less. If she went out more. Drank more. Went out less. Drank less. Shorter. Prettier. That if she was one or all of these things, then the relationship with person X would be the perfect way it should be in the way of the Universe. 
Caroline is thinking today, that that is utter crap. She's tried that. Maybe it is just her on the whole that some people don't like. But Caroline is thinking that she IS fucking awesome. And if someone can't see that. Can't see the loyalty. The support. The best. Then it isn't Caroline's fault. It's theirs. 
She isn't going to tear herself down over a relationship that never really was or one that she never really wanted, because the other person is a douche. She isn't going to tear herself down and continually question "what is wrong with me" over past relationships that didn't work. 
She's going to start working on the not caring. Because with all her faults, and there are many, she's awesome. And she really does know that. She just doesn't act like it or show it. She tries to change too often for those around her. She tries to 'read' what they may want, and alters herself to fit. 
She's kind of done with that. It hasn't worked so far, so she's not taking that path anymore if she can avoid it. 
Caroline is thinking she is awesome, and those that don't see that, and/or choose others over her and/or push her aside, can suck it. 

I've been thinking that it's funny how I want to talk to absolutely no one, and everyone. All at the same time. I could actually feel the pull of the depression this time. I could. And I pushed it away, I was surprised as hell. I thought I was going to stay level, but I sit here wondering why I even bother trying to have friends. Why do I talk to people? It always...collapses. Either by distance, time, me or them. And it is just shitty. But as I sit here thinking about how I don't care, I sit here wondering if anyone would come to a bbq this month. And it frightens me. Because I'm not strong enough. Strong enough to deal with people saying no. Strong enough to try and push through my longing to be alone but with people. Strong enough to not care either way. Why isn't life easy? lol 
I'm afraid if I don't stop this, I'm going to lose months again. Months to being totally uninspired. Months of lethargy. Months of more distancing myself from people. And ya know, that really doesn't work. Even if some people are assholes. I hope the spring brings enough sun that it cuts through this bull shit in my mind. That I can relax. That I can stop caring about everything. If I could narrow that down to just like work, bills and the boy, I would be a ok for while. I don't want to worry about my weight. I don't want to worry about this friendship or that friendship or that one. I don't want to worry about my stupid car. I'd say I want to be normal, but we all know that doesn't exist. I never wanted to be normal before anyway. 
Guess this lost composure and just became rambling. Maybe I needed that. I've neglected all my blogs. So weird to think I was able to write 2 to three a night. Maybe I'll make that a goal and see where it goes. 

12 months

I haven't really wanted to think on here. The past 12 months have been hard for a myriad of reasons. I started a spiral of 'functioning' depression. I lost connection/communication/closeness with my best friend. I continued to unexplainably gain weight, despite a month of pneumonia. I found out my best friend from HS was a lesbian and recently watched as she got married. Another one of my kindered soul friends made the transformation of man into woman. I have had almost all my friends move to other states. I've had my childhood home and memories be destroyed. I have had just about every belief I hold be insulted and turned and questioned, yet I have not judged, only loved those friends that hit me hardest.

Yet I'm still here. I am still fighting. I am taking more college courses, despite the fact that I have no idea why I should anymore. I got a trainer so I can have someone to kick my ass, encourage me, and be proud of my accomplishments and not tell me they aren't good enough. I have also become a hermit.

I have decided that people who make the blanket statements about conservatives, Catholics, and Republicans can kiss my ass.

I am still here. I have to believe in a purpose for life. I have to work through everything going on in my life alone I suppose. It all led up to that I guess. So I will.

I'm still here through this, so I guess I can make it though whatever 'that' the future throws at me. 

Ugh

So we all have things we don't like about ourselves, I may have more than others, but I don't know your mind. lol
Last night I came face to face with one of the things that annoys me, drunk me. Because drunk me tells you, over and over and over, that I'm drunk. I also tend to talk louder, yell more, act like a crazy girl, I also lose much of my 'personal space' issues. The worst of all this, is the next day, when it replays in my mind over and over and over. Did I have fun? Help yeah! Do I think I made a fool of myself? Yup. I can remember the eyebrows raises or the sighs from those in a more sober state around me.

I freak out when people start to leave me when I'm like this. Not that I want to force anyone to hang around. But when I start seeing everyone leave, my brain goes into a sober up mode, because I know I'll be walking to that car alone if I don't have someone drive me home.

And all this is why drunk me annoys me. It's fun at the time, but the next day...all the fun of it gets sucked away. Blah

March Madness?

Growing up in Joplin, Mo, I didn't pay any attention to college basketball. Heck, I am not sure anyone did. I don't remember anyone talking about watch parties, or commercials on TV. Maybe I was oblivious (and let me tell you, I found ways to watch A LOT of TV, so I would have seen them). I started playing basketball in Junior High. But still, outside of my school, or schools in my district, that was about it. Ok, I did pay attention to the NBA, but college basketball? I didn't really think about it. And worst of worst to admit, I had a Mizzou Tigers bumper sticker on my desk. ...I did live in Missouri and remember, I was a kid, I didn't know better.

When I moved to Kansas my Sophomore year of High School, I was upset...and completely confused by all the attention to the colleges. Colleges to me, were still just where you went to learn. The Ivy Leagues were the best, along with Notre Dame and Georgetown. I was soon to learn a new way of thinking of them.

Along with my slow growing love of football, I learned more and more about KSU and KU. The rivalry, the culture, the teams. And I totally bought into it. I still didn't pay attention to the seasons or championships, only when they played each other or one of my guy friends wanted to watch.

Then I made the academic choice to go to the University of Kansas. That's where my oblivion kind of took a flying dive off Allen Fieldhouse. You may be able to avoid team/school spirit elsewhere, but in Lawrence KS, it's life. It's everywhere. EVERYWHERE. The first basketball game I went to, I was lost. I learned about the NCAA Championship (which could be why I know nothing about the NIT except that we don't want to be in it). Over the years, brackets became a norm with every group of people I know.

Now, despite me not wanting to care at the beginning I do. Not wanting to care if we should lose, but I do. Not going to make plans to watch the games, but I do. Not wanting to hope, but I do. The Jayhawks really get you into it. The history, the passion, the excitement.

So now I notice the March Madness. And I have a love/hate relationship with it. I try not to let my superstition get to me today- especially with someone in our seats.

Rock Chalk Jayhawk Go KU!!

The Middle Ground

I find myself in a conundrum...or at least I think I have....or at least I think I have found the core of a problem(s). If you want to do something, or reach a goal, you are told the power of positive thinking. Of seeing the end game. Of believing you can do it. If you don't see it happening at all, it never will. The problem I seem to find (and of course, my *brilliant* mind just came up with this hypothesis tonight, so bare with the huge gaps that are sure to be there) is that I don't not see the end game. I see the finished product. I see the work that will have to go into it. I believe, with full confidence, that I can do anything I set my mind too. That there is bound to be a way or an end. Why is that problem? Because it means I don't have to work for it.

I know what you are thinking, that doesn't make any freaking sense what so ever. But it does, to me. I know I can do it, I see it all happening. I see me doing this and that to get there....so I don't worry....and thus become lazy, and then I never reach that goal.

Let me give an example. Working out. Love her or hate her, I have always admired the muscles on Angelina Jolie's arms. She is toned...well, she's becoming too thin now, but that is neither here nor there. The point is, that's all I want. I don't need to be movie star thin, but I want to be toned. I can see me doing it too. (I've been there before after all.) I can see the hard work. I know the sweat and the push through required. I have my collection of workouts. I know how to pace and switch up. Blah, blah, blah. and then nothing. I sit and think about it. I don't for a second think I can't do it. (I love lifting weights after all.) Yet, somewhere, there is a disconnect. It doesn't happen. I somehow feel fulfilled for having figured it all out and knowing I could do it. Which is why I currently do not have arms like Angelina Jolie. lol

You could say that's just a load of crap because I am to lazy to workout, but it's not just with that. That was just one example. There are so many things I have like that.

Of course, when I don't think I can do anything, I do have the same result...nothing gets done. I firmly believe, without help, I will never clean out my garage. I never even fully get to a planning stage, because I think I know I can't do it.

There needs to be a happy medium. Some way to say "YOU CAN DO IT" and also say "But you won't do it all or make that goal, but you still need to try for that goal, but you might have to aim for a different goal after all." I don't think I can fit another voice inside my head though. lol

I don't know, maybe it's just me that has this problem. And if it is, that is ok, after all, the title of the blog is What Caroline's been thinking, not How the World is for Everyone. :)

I have no idea where this is going to go. Fair warning.

I'm stressed. There is only one part of my life that isn't really stressing me out, and oddly enough, that would be work. Everything else...AHHHH!
I guess most of this wouldn't be so bad if I could have talked it out with people, or with my friend. But those things aren't happening and don't look like it'll be that way again. Which also leads to more stress. I used to releave some stress by writing, but I haven't really done much of that either. So whether or not things really are in the shitter or I just feel that way, idk. It probably is the latter. I've dealt with so much worse, so all this...it shouldn't be keeping me up right now.
But it is.
I was so excited to get a working car the other week (still don't have it) because, not just for freedom to go where I choose, but because then I'll get to go visit my friends that I don't get to see much of anymore. This gets me in the cycle of, do they really want to be my friend if they don't want to put in an effort to see me? Yeah, I'm without a car at the moment, and have been for a while, but I haven't bugged anyone every week for a ride. One friend, ONE friend always offers to get me and makes an effort. Otherwise, I don't see anyone until I borrow a car and go to them. And yeah, maybe its not as serious as all that, but it sure as hell feels that way. So I get this car, drive to people and what? They will then want to see me? I guess I'm just sensitive already, and just people I care about keep fucking moving away. Good people. I can handle changes, but loss, loss I suck at. I swear, I feel like everytime I blink, someone else is gone. And I don't want to lose anymore. But maybe, maybe I just need to embrace it. Move somewhere. No, no idea where. But, why not? Then this house will be empty and maybe it could be the 4th home I've lived in to be destroyed after I go. Seriously, 2 by tornadoes. What the Fuck.
I just feel like I need to get shit out, but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But I'm killing myself this way. I just miss my friends...or blogging. Guess I'll see which one pans out.