About nature vs nurture (Tabula rasa)

Someone came back to my desk yesterday and asked if I thought heartless people were born that way or if they were taught it. Such a strange question for the middle of the day, I can only assume that she had to deal with an annoying client or something. I sat for a second and thought about it. Thought of all the 'heartless' people I've known or know of...and damn if I couldn't give the Libra answer. Both. Or just one.

I take the boy's bio for my first example. He had talked about his childhood, and his dad. Not the happiest of childhoods I guess. Wasn't horrid, but wasn't a Leave it to Beaver example either. But his mom was great. Somewhere along the way though...idk. I mean, I remember stories people would tell me about him and I couldn't believe it. Then, lucky me, I got to see it. Later on, I got to see how cruel he could be to his own mother too. Part of me is sure that the heartlessness was in him all along, but circumstances brought it out.

I think we all have a bit of heartlessness in us, its how we are treated and view the world which makes us act on it. I only say that because I know I, myself, have had some pretty heartless thoughts...but, just couldn't see myself acting on them.

I don't really know many heartless people...I try to avoid them after all. lol Yet, again, when I hear people talk about that one person they know who is just, well, a complete shit...its amazing what stories you can hear about what happened to that person. How they used to be so nice...and then bam, crap happened and it all went away.

Of course, you also have all those people who are just born mean. You see them hurting animals or just..well they are scary as kids. You can see it in them. (This could also start to work as a nurture too, because if we see them as scary early on, won't they be treated as scary and then, by default and learning, become the scary/heartless person we thought they would?)

So when I answered her, I told her both, just depends. It would be nice if it could be narrowed to one thing though huh?
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So I tried a new method tonight...kind of a stream of consciousness. I actually liked it...but wasn't up for sharing...so I started another one...and yeah, not sharing that one either. lol Think that will be the rub of that kind of poem, I won't know where it wants to go, and it might take me places I don't want to be. lol Oh well, at least I managed something else. I am surprised I could because I was having a really hard time writing tonight. :( boo


The air was heavy and unwelcoming
No longer sure of the plan to continue
Sitting down, ignoring it all
Enter into a world of your own
Slowly the air shifts
New waves of cool begin to
Replace the thick heavy ones
So much easier to relax
So much easier to not get anything done.

That I finally got some reading done...

And that I am going to force some of it on you. Mainly because I find it so interesting that ideas that were so 'original' in 1887 are still being discussed. Not that they don't deserve to be discussed, but are discussed like 'wow, new stuff' because sometimes, these ideas are just thrown aside and ignored. History repeats itself.

Excerpts from Political Science Quarterly, 2 (June 1887) Written by Woodrow Wilson

"

We have enthroned public opinion; and it is forbidden us to hope during its reign for any quick schooling of the sovereign in executive expertness or in the conditions of perfect functional balance in government. The very fact that we have realized popular run in its fullness has made the task of organizing that rule just so much the more difficult. In order to make nay advance at all we must instruct and persuade a multitudinous monarch called public opinion, -a much less feasible undertaking than to influence a single monarch called a king. An individual sovereign will adopt a simple plan and carry it out directly' he will have bu one opinion, and he will embody that opinion in one command. But this other sovereign, the people, will have a score of differing opinions. They can agree upon nothing simple: advance must be made through compromise, by a compounding of differences, by a trimming of plans and a suppression of too straightforward principles. There will be a succession of resolves running through a course of years, a dropping fire of commands running through a whole gamut of modifications.
In government, as in virtue, the hardest of hard things is to make progress. Formerly the reason for this was that the single person who was sovereign was generally either selfish, ignorant, timid, or a fool,-albeit there was now and again one who was wise. Nowadays the reason is that the many, the people, who are sovereign have no single ear which one can approach, and are selfish, ignorant, timid, stubborn, or foolish with the selfishnesss, the ignorances, the stubbornnesses, the timidities, or the follies of several thousand persons,-albeit there are hundreds who are wise."

In his essay, Wilson was trying to make the case for teaching public administration in schools and how to go about it, and what we shouldn't do. So it is long, interesting, but long. Again, there were some points that I thought somewhat held strong today as they did then. How far we come and don't come. We are beholden to popular opinion, and for all of those who do know what is going on, sadly there are so many that don't. That makes governing the way we do so hard...because both sides of every political coin have smart people that can make good, valid points and arguments...they just get covered up by those that don't.

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He holds open the door
As you walk to enter
He makes you breakfast
Before you open your eyes
He takes time from work
To simply hold your hand
He lets you be who you are
And all you hoped to become.

That there are some things I'll never understand

I guess I also don't think I ever want to either. I've been dealing with something for about two months now. Haven't talked about it with, well, anyone. Weird, not even blog. I don't want it to be something I have to deal with, and I could continue to try and ignore it...but it will eventually effect the kid the most, and I don't want that. I wonder if devling into this will just cause more problems in the long run too. Its another flippin' double edged sword, and I seem to be finding those everywhere.

I want to talk about this. I want to bitch about this. But don't feel like anyone deserves that. I know, you are all friends, but...idk, guess somethings you don't feel like burdening friends with. lol Besides, I dump enough on them. :p

Long and short of it is Caroline is thinking that she can't understand how such heartless people exist in the world and how they function, and damn it, seem to be doing better then her! Its like karma skips over certain people or something.
She's also been thinking about being 'gone' for a few days. She tried to explain what was going on to a friend the other day, but either they didn't understand or didn't believe her. Sometimes fighting things isn't worth it, and curling into that ball on your bed sounds like the best solution. lol At least it sounds like one to her at the moment.

Well, back to feeling the wind blow across my face and trying to come up with the next chain of events for my book. I have to write today or I'll miss my goal/schedule. Sadly there are already somethings that I know won't get done. boo
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They don't know that they are doing wrong
Waving there in the wind
In colors of white and yellow
They can't help that they grow faster
To tower over every thing around them
They are unaware that they are slowly killing
Everything different around them
They only see all those like them
Dancing to the breezes
And drinking up the rain

That I'm a bit late to the party

So, while I was sitting at a pizza place last night waiting on food for me and the boy, I saw the Lawrence.com paper. Since the boy was busy with his GB, I grabbed it. Totally oblivious to the fact that this month was National Poetry Month!! wtf? lol I know people must have seen that and no one told me? lol Eh, my own fault. Anyway, I feel the need to catch up. There is only one other thing going on in town for it and that is tomorrow. I have marked the time, I got the place (just don't know where the place is). ...There is also a time frame on the 30th where you are supposed to share your favorite poem with people. I am TOTALLY excited about that. lol Not that I wouldn't share my favorite with you at any time. My poor friend that ended up joining me after I saw that article had to listen to at least four poems and how I related them to my life. :)

I feel like since I wasn't posting every day this month I totally slacked unwittingly and should make up for it somehow. Not sure on the how.

Maybe writing about why or what not and I think I may also post some extra poems. I know mine aren't the best, but they're mine. Some of them I am more proud of then others. I get so nervous sharing them sometimes, because some of them do have my heart on my sleeve, but eh, that is the point right? That and I have had some good encouragement the past year, and I can't just dis that.

I write poetry lots of times just for myself. It is an outlet. I have always, well, probably been on the verge of, lets say 'sadness'. So reading back, I know I have some dark poetry...some no one will ever read. The poetry for me captures a memory or feeling of the time. Sometimes I write to create a feeling that was lost or missed or never happened. lol I've been writing poetry, jeez, since I was in like Jr High. (You can imagine the quality of those.) The great thing is though, I read one and 'boom' I can see what I was feeling and thinking. I guess I should thank my younger self for documenting my life in a way that I can relate.

I love trying to create poems that have nothing to do with me at all. Try to imagine. They are the hardest to do, and probably the most awkward to read, but I like to throw them in there. (Besides, keeps people on their toes never knowing if I am writing about me or not. lol)

I used to have such a strong muse. Seriously, it would wake me up in the middle of the night and I would have to write. I've taken some turns in my life that I think quieted the muse..sometimes for a year or so. Yet, it always comes back. Sometimes stronger than others. I often want to thank people that make the muse appear back in my life..but not sure how I would do that. lol

Ah well, there it is. My National Poetry Month blog. Would love to hear what some of yours are. I love the 'non-mainstream' writers, and they are often hard to find. Not that mainstream or old poetry isn't awesome. There are so many types to choose from and enjoy, I don't really care what you send my way.

Ok, so I'm going to post a bunch. I don't actually expect you to read them all. lol You have a special place in my heart if you do though. lol

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At least ten times a day
I find something to say
To you
At least ten times a day
I find a reason to stay
With you
At least ten times a day
My memory will stray
Towards you
Its the rest of the day
With the proof of all that may
Not be
Its the rest of the day
Where sanity likes to prey
On me
Its the rest of the day
Where I understand the roll I play
In life

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(1/5/9)
How much pain are you willing to bare
Before you give yourself the space you need
A raw heart can only take so much
Before it stops feeling everything
How long can you let your emotions be ruled
By someone else's actions
Losing yourself to someone is fine
If they care about your free fall
How are you going to end this cycle
That only ends up with you unhappy
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(2/6/09)
How odd it is
That you inspire me
Nature generally holds that roll
Or some contrived drama or longing
General company makes my pen spill
Feelings yet unaware and theories to be explored
How odd it is
That you inspire me
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(11/92)
The ageing ambers of grain
Blow slowly in the wind
Forever will they move
Never fully in control of their life
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('90)
Brown,
Dirt,
Barn,
Red,
Chicken,
White,
Grass,
Uncut
(OK, this was written because of some dumb ass format we had to use for class...but I really ended up liking it!! Yes, I am a dork, move ON!)
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(7/93) Forget Me Not (and I used to title my poems too...)

Forget me not on the road that you travel
Forget me not on the road that you take
Forget me not when your life is troubled
Forget me not when your life is great
Forget me not, and take my hand
Forget me not, I understand
Forget me not for this friendship is true
Forget me not...
And I will not forget you.

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(4/95) Time Ticks On

Time ticks on
No one seems to care
Everyone's worried about something,
Working all day
Sleeping all night
All spare time filled with TV and movies
Time ticks on
We rush from place to place
Only seeing the scenery if it gets in the way
Time ticks on
We cry life is too short,
That we never had time,
As if others had more of it.
Time ticks on.
Mocked are those who take their time
Those who walk outside
Time ticks on.
Days have always been 24 hours.

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(1/96) The Tree

I watch as the wind blows cruelly
Through the barren trees
And it looks like my soul as you
Speak to me so heartlessly
After I've already been weakened
The situation chills me to the bone
But like the tree I continue to stand
Absorb the cold and live
Perhaps it will be a long time before
The wind stops tearing so at the branches
And perhaps it will come back again
But the tree will continue to stand
And to grow
And one day the wind will not seem so strong
And it will not tear at the tree so cruelly
By the tree's strength
The wind will weaken
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(2/10/0)
I'll never be the one
That you think of in the middle of the night
I'll never be the one
That takes away the pain by holding you tight
I'll never be the one
To subtly hold your hand
I'll never be the one
To rub your back as I tell you I understand

That today was full of randomness...

Just as I like it. :)

Last night had a great time out with a friend from out of town. Hung out downtown all night and talked and gossiped and drank. lol If anyone is going to drink me under a table, it will be that girl...although she will be drunk WAY before me.

Needless to say, the late night led to an early morning..oh and a morning with a storm!! :) Yeah!I dragged all day. I just wanted to sleep. I did my morning salutation for yoga...but that is where the schedule left me. I couldn't make myself go to the gym or for a walk. I was exhausted. I justified sleeping in many ways. I didn't lose any 'outside' time because I spent my lunch hour outside...doing things. lol But there was tanning involved too. (Seriously, I am a goober.)

Another friend decided to make a proactive movement on my behalf, apparently because she doesn't want to be friends with a nun..and she figured out a bit of tmi from me and it boggled her mind. lol Anyway, whatever she did got me three offers for dates in less than 20 hours. I'm not sure what lies are floating out there. lol But they all seem nice. eh, we'll see. Either way, its my year of not saying no.

Caroline is thinking that she is glad that she has so many pairs of glasses and sunglasses. It makes it easy to change them with her mood...or paranoia. The other night (NOT the drinking night) she woke up, and even though she is blind w/out contacts or glasses, it was 'blurry'. So she rubbed her eyes. When she rubbed her left, everything out of the right looked like it had a big black cloud over it...not so with the other side. That hung around for a few minutes. Thankfully, Caroline works with eye doctors so she knew that since the sight came back, no pain, no flashing lights, she was probably OK for the night. Creepy though. The doctors she works for told her that if it happens again to let them know. Joy. Ugh.
Anyway, so she's been rocking out her glasses all week. On Monday and Tuesday she is sure she changed pairs at least 3/4 times each day. lol Also makes it convienent if she forgets a pair here or there when switching between sunglasses...which she hopes EVERYONE has a pair of. So not good for your eyes OR your skin to not use any...and don't bother with the cheap stuff, the quality of the LENSES is not the same.

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The hours tick by
But you can't hear them passing
They seem to drag their heels
As the world wants it to go faster
Just when all seems to be going well
The hours get the message
And fly by

That yes, I am ruining it.

I am ruining something, and I am doing it on purpose. Seems completely odd and the like to me...but idk, maybe needs to be done. Maybe I have just been waiting for me to ruin it, because I couldn't except anyone else doing it. Total control issue. I'm sorry that I am, and its actually sort of hard. But truthfully, I think I am the only one that notices. lol So yeah, its mainly for myself I guess. I'm hoping things that haven't made sense will. That pieces that haven't fit properly in my life, finally will. My life has a flow to it. A predictability, and things have been different.

Seems funny to me that I am the one to ruin it after all.

I'm sorry.
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As my friend
As a trusted confidant
I am hoping you will understand.
I am trusting that you will.
I never let myself heal.
There was never any time to.
I have to believe that is the reason.
When a runner pulls a muscle
Or an athlete sprains an ankle
They take time.
They heal.
Then they get back in there.
Getting back in there is always possible,
But continuing on hurt
Can only make things worse in the end
And cause lasting damage.
I never let myself heal.
And everyone knew it
Except me.
I need to heal my soul
Its been bleeding for too long.
For most things to work
It has to get so much worse
Before it can get better.
It takes practice and time.
I need to let it get worse.
I've been lying to myself
And I guess to you as well.
I need time to heal
And its time away from you.
I trust you will understand,
I don't think distance has ever
Been a problem for you.
This time should be no different
You won't even notice me gone.
And just as you will be fine,
I have to trust that I will be too.

That my playlist often fits my life...this is a good/bad thing

I often think of my life in music. I think subconsciously, I look for it when I listen to music. Not always, but I find myself thinking over a well turned verse more often then not. Today was an odd day for music. Not that I don't listen to a wide variety anyway, but just they all sort of made a weird play list that sounded so much like the journey of my life. Granted, lots of them also had nothing to do with my life as well. lol

I tried to jot down as many of them as I could, because, well, I found it interesting. If you want to hear some of the song, the title is a link. woo hoo (Took FOREVER...partically because I ended up listening to them all again. lol)

Lord I Hope this Day is Good ~ Don Williams
Karma Police ~ Radiohead
Smile Like You Mean It ~ The Killers
Cologne ~ Ben Folds
Trick is to Keep Breathing ~Garbage
Chasing Cars ~ Snow Patrol
Shut Up & Let Me Go ~ The Ting Tings
Eight Easy Steps ~ Alanis Morissette
Suddenly I See ~ KT Tunstall
Fool ~Shakira
Pretender ~ Foo Fighters
Better ~ Regina Spektor
Fidelity ~ Regina Spektor
You Don't Know Me ~ Ben Folds
Boys with Girlfriends ~ Meiko
Candy w/ the Pork & Beans ~ Weezer
First Taste ~ Fiona Apple
In Other Words ~ Ben Kweller
Autumn Fallin' ~ Jaymay
Walking On Sunshine ~ Katrina & the Waves
I Think I'll Disappear Now ~ Crash Test Dummies

Hmm, yeah, that's a good chunk of them. I could keep adding, but...that's probably more than enough. Some of my favorite songs aren't on here even, but again, I can't add all the songs I hear in a day. Ugh. ...as my co-workers found, I am MUCH calmer with music playing. :)

So far my schedule is going well. Its odd to me how that is actually working. I hate schedules like that. lol Hope everyone else's is going well...or that some of you have made one like you were thinking about doing. :p
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Such a delicate line to walk
Never sure which step will bring you down
Never enough space on either side
To allow for deep, calm breaths of assurance
Not quite sure what is on the other end
Or what is down below
But the swirling sides keep you onward

Accountability is a bitch

I seem to work well under pressure..or at least when I am held accountable for things. At the same time I absolutely hate it. I want to be accountable to only me for when I mess up. I keep thinking there is some middle ground. So I am contemplating creating a blog (yes, yes, another one!) somewhere that lists what I need to do that day/week/month. So its out there. In writing. I don't so much care if others see it. Although there would always be that element of 'someone could totally call me on that' with it out there. So I think that would be a good place to put my 'schedule'. I considered just using a gmail calendar, but then I would have to actively SHARE it with others and expect them to care lol....and it would make me actually accountable.

The randomness of a blog I think will work. We'll see.

I was considering asking if anyone else wanted to get on the blog too. All of us putting our goal/schedules out there. It somewhat makes me more accountable though...but its ok, because then someone is sort of accountable to me! :) I'm open to it if you are interested, if not..its all good. lol

accountabilityisabitch.tumblr.com

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It all seem so empty now
No longer trying to keep it all inside
Letting go leaves such gaping caverns
Inside my soul
I had nothing there to fill it
When I started clearing it out
So it all seems so empty now
With nothing left to say

That its all good really.

So, today and yesterday (and the last couple days as well) were actually really good days for the most part. I think the fact that I feel like crap though is making it suck overall. Like another friend stated in her blog, its just not being on the right schedule and then I start this slippery slope of not doing one more thing right. I'm not a morning person, so I won't pretend that waking up early/consistantly would help me, but I'm not being consistant with the amount of sleep I am getting at all. Changing work schedule doesn't help with that either.

I think I have locked my self into a 'bi-polar' way of life. The ups and downs and randomness of what bothers me is boggling. Because, really, I am happy. I'm not as happy as some of my friends think I was, but...I am ok. I just seem to be whining A LOT. Thing is, I get this way every spring I think. I look back a old posts or writtings and seriously, its the same thing around this time. lol Hows THAT for consistnacy.

I feel something hovering in the corner...but I am going to ignore it. I will this time, because I feel OK. Yeah, some things are bothering me, but its not like things haven't bothered me before. lol

So I am going to try and focus on things that I need to focus on. Getting back on my workout schedule would be a big one. I hate getting started all over again, but I think that would be the best idea, besides, once I do I'll love it again. Yeah, I am still working out, but its so spuratic and inconsistant I wonder if it's doing any good at all. ..Hmmm...I could be working out instead of typing and drinking tea. lol

Caroline's been thinking about how some things are confusing her, and that maybe that plays a part in her mood. She can't deside if she wants nothing or some. That and its just a reminder of what she doesn't actually have. Its a teaser. Try as she might, she can't get away from it either. Its there...teasing. She's thinking a road trip far away for a while would be helpful...but that would involve $ and time away from work...which she can't do right now. boo.

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As if the words from the song
Could be understood by you
The words and feelings that I conjure
In my mind
Will never match those that
Are missing in yours
The song will not trigger
The thoughts in you
That I long for you to admit
Silence is just as strong
Of a message

That she'll keep it a day longer

So far I have written two posts, that I haven't, well, posted. I'm mulling the one over and wondering if the other is too blunt. I know, me? Blunt? Never.

Caroline is thinking that she would rather hold off on posting some things, because, like with everything else, she likes to mull if over and over and over. Go figure. As is her nature, she had to over analyze these things. ...not that she has been doing that a lot lately with her posts but... lol

As such, she can't really post her poem from those days either. She knows you are crushed and totally disappointed that she isn't sharing. She thinks you will completely recover. :p

Oh, and as for the nun thing, yes, I actually am thinking I may be serious, maybe that is why my dating life has been what it is. Fate. But, again, don't need to really think about it for at least another 8 years. I don't see a lot changing during that time but... lol