Its a mental thing

As most of my friends know, I am stubborn in some things. Sadly, this includes things that a normal person should be able to mentally overcome with time. One bad experience doesn't have to ruin a simple act, yet I somehow hold on to these and associate it over and over. This mental game of mine often effects me physically, making everything worse, thus proving my internal battle that something was wrong in the first place. This can't be right.

Eleven and a half years ago, I went to Montana with my Dad to visit my sister. As was my way, I drove up there so we could stop by all the beautiful nature. On the long drive back to Kansas, we drove back through Yellowstone (side note, that was always me favorite part of the drive. There and back. Anyway...). Each time we drove through we tried to stop by a different 'attraction' in the park. If you have ever been there, you know its huge and there is plenty to see, and each season it is different. Another side note, I love waterfalls. Of all sizes. LOVE them. So we stopped to see one. I thought it was a simple stroll to the top of this waterfall (we were on one of the mountains, so we were high already). Granted, it took a long time to walk down to the vista point, I didn't care/notice because I was so excited about seeing the falls. ...Until we had to go back.

I have exercise induced asthma. Always have. Its a pain in the ass. This means that if I work out, I need an inhaler nearby because my lungs close up. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY FREAKING WEIGHT. God I wish it did. Trust me, this little side note will make sense in a minute.

I, unknown to me, was also pregnant at the time.

After staring at the fall for a while and thinking how BAD it would be to drop my glasses or keys or anything, we started heading back to the car. Keep in mind, we were just driving through, so we weren't in like hiking gear or with water bottles. This is when I started to notice the way back was a switch-back. I didn't know this was what it was called at the time. (A switch-back is when they make a path up a steep hill/mountain by going up in one direction at a 'low' incline, then turns back and goes the other way. Back and forth. Higher and higher. Long slow inclines.) After the SIXTH turn, I was winded. After the 15th turn I was sure I was going to die right there on that mountain. I had no idea how we had gone down so far and not noticed or thought about having to come back up. So with my asthma making me wheeze, the altitude not helping, and everything else, serious bad thoughts. I don't even remember the rest of the journey up, just that we made it.

From this memory, I have it in my head that I can not physically go up a switch-back trail. That they will 'kill' me. That they are too hard physically for me to do or handle. That there is no way I won't have an asthma attack. That I will have to force myself to be able to make it. Funny how time makes you realize why you don't like something.

Out at Clinton Lake, on one of the trails I've been hiking for years, there is a switch-back. Generally, I avoid that area of trail. Hell, I have made my own trail. Never thought about it until I tried running it last week. I got through one full level and my mind told me there was no way I could do it. I didn't even fight it. I just walked it and omg it felt like the weight of the world was pushing against me. It wasn't. It was just a long incline switch-back, not even a quarter of what the path at Yellowstone was.

When I was in high school, for practice for both volleyball and basketball, coaches had us do stair laps in the gym. (We didn't have a stadium.) This was no big deal in 9th or 10th or most of 11th grade. It was just part of conditioning. Wasn't my favorite, but it was doable. Then two years in a row, either for one or both sports, the coach made us run them, not for conditioning, but for punishment. If we didn't win (and oh my God, we almost never won) they made us run them. Over and over. For the whole hour and half of practice.

After a particularly bad basketball game, the coach made us run for each point they beat us by. The other team had 100 pointed us. If you have ever run stair laps (and I mean laps here, not just up and down) then you probably know the likelihood of depth perception to play with your mind. Steps are no longer where you thought they were. Knees are done with bending. Feet hit the wrong spots. You LONG for the short distances between stairways so you can walk (if the coach isn't looking of course). Asthma and stairs also don't mix. Nor does a freshly healed sprained ankle. Or bad knees. lol I was falling apart so young.

Today, I use the stairs when available, but the thought of running stairs...wow, just shoot me. I know there is no coach down there watching me and making me do them and keeping me from playing or getting my letter, but its there in my head. The pain and fear associated with stair laps. Just thinking of doing them makes me start to breath funny. A weird part of me would like to do them again. They are great for training and I need to strengthen my knees, but mentally, I wouldn't be able to do them. I don't know if I would make them up the first level.

I know it's all mental. I have no issues trying to sprint up a rocky steep incline. My knees hurt, but I can go up and down stairs. I know, I really do, that I can physically do them. At least while I sit here and type this out. But get me in either of those situations and you would think I hadn't moved off my couch in years. Mentally, I won't let myself get into those situations again. Makes me think of how, once you get sick off eating something, you can never eat it again because your mind associates it with you getting sick. I don't know, I just wish it wasn't such a mental thing. I would like to think that with time, it would get better...but you have to try them first.

Let it all out, or keep it in

As with so many things, I think there is a fine line or balance to talking things out. There are some things, that if I don't talk about it, if I don't get it out there, it slowly eats at me and makes me miserable. On the other hand, I know there are some things I don't want to talk about with anyone, or you have to drag it out of me, and even then I don't want to talk about it. I don't need to because talking about it makes it worse then talking about it could.

The "little" day to day things are what I need to get out. The little annoyance here and there. The stupid things someone said or did. Its magical really, once I get it out (maybe two/three times) I no longer care. It becomes more annoying to think about it after I talk about it. Its free of me. If I don't share though, if I keep those in, it just sort of festers, and I start some running internal tally of all the 'wrongs done to me' and this builds until its a weird, unnecessary problem. Granted, sharing most of those little annoyances can sometimes make me sound....bitchy? No one wants to sound like that. So I either try and spread it around, or share with just one or two people consistently. (Sorry if you are one of them, just means I trust you a LOT. lol)

I was eating with a friend the other day and I had asked them about their day. They started telling me about some little annoyances someone was causing. I was understanding of their position and mentioned it must be kind of annoying. They said only when they talk about it. I changed the subject, but...I have to wonder is that how it works for some people? They wouldn't be annoyed by things unless they have to talk about it and then they realize how its annoying? Or they can let it go unless they have to talk about it and then they are reminded how it annoys them? Is it easier for some people to just not share things that bother them?

There are some personal feelings and thoughts I don't like to share. I may elude to them at times, but overall, I don't want to talk to anyone. Part is I can't vocalize it properly and I know it won't help, because I can't see how talking it out will help. lol Who knows if it it really would, but I know the thought of talking about certain things makes me sick to my stomach and antsy or upset. It puts me in a mood I guess. ....But logically, I know its still just sitting there waiting to be let out. That if I opened up and shared, who knows, it might be easier to deal with, but some of the big things aren't ready for me to let out yet.

There are some people who never share anything personal if they can help it. Its like pulling teeth or when they do, you have to wonder if you tricked them. Its interesting how we, as people, can vary so much on this. The push pull of needing to share or not share at all. The break between it helping or hindering our growth as a person. The realizing when it will help and letting it be out there.

People are such interesting things.

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.....hmmm, I may have to come back with a poem. I've been sitting on this all day and nothing has come to me yet. It will after I publish this. :)

Limits to multi-tasking

So much to do. Ok, not *have* to do, but want to do. One would think I could accomplish multiple things at a time. I have some pod casts and language tapes I want to listen to/brush up on. I have yoga to do and working out. One would think those two can be done together. But no. You can't relax and stretch in yoga if you are thinking about something else. You lose count of reps if you are working out. Or you forget to listen to whatever it is and get utterly lost. Its a bit annoying actually. It would seem like the perfect time to do both.

I can think of creative things to write or story plots while I clean, but I can't write them down. If I stop to write them down, I need to focus on that instead. Needless to say I either get things cleaned or I forget what I was thinking. Doesn't seem fair to me. (I've tried a recorder, same thing happens, I have to stop to record and then focus on recording, I might as well write it down.)

These aren't horrible problems by any means. Its just annoying to me, because I like to multi-task when I can. I want to try and start getting all these things done that I want to, before I no longer have the time. :)

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Everything happens for a reason

They say it all the time

Could be snow in the wrong season

But surely it will be fine

Because nothing happens just because

Everything has the silver lining

What will happen, just does

With no coaxing of our own

Everything happens for a reason

hmmm....lol maybe I should have left the preamble of 'this poem may suck' for this one.

Its been a while

I wish I could say there hasn't been much to say, but there has. I wish I could say I am up for talking about it on here, but I can't. I keep waiting for a non-horrible year to come along. Oh hell, who am I kidding. I would be grateful for a few consecutive non-horrible months. No issues with the boy. No issues with my heart. No issues with my health. No issues with working out. No issues with bills. No issues with money. No issues with my job. No issues with electronics or machines or cars. No issues with family. No issues with friends. I guess that seems like a lot to ask for huh? Maybe I could have like a few weeks then. One blissful month.

Whine, whine, whine. We all want that. None of us are any different in wanting a fair and simple life sometimes. I have whined a bit here and there on Twitter. Apparently, for a while, I was doing a good job of just being emo. I don't want to be that person though. ...and the funny thing is, I censored so much of what I *wanted* to say. I don't think I can pretend to be Miss Suzy Sunshine, and I don't think my friends are asking that of me...but when all you have is no news too tell people or only sad news...you lose that connection.

I want to have some story about my LIFE to tell people. Not the random or daily complaints. I want to tell them about the experiences in my life. I want to have something to talk about. Not having a job...not having that constant is weird for me. I have been reluctant to try and fill that hole as well. I don't know why. I guess because I feel like it should be filled with another JOB, not just things I am doing. But that is just silly and I need to get over it. I need to get back to my writing. I have (sadly) all this free time. I should be done with my book by now. So, I expect a few more chapters to be done this month....at least one this week. I am going to brush up on writing by getting back to my blog(s). I will find something to write I am sure. I have so many out there (sorry, not sharing them all) and I can do things with them. I can finish something daily.

I started my 'business' Those Polish Thingies. I guess my issue with that was that it was only going to be a side project. I was going to slowly build maybe, and I was going to ENJOY it. Right now, its almost like I am secretly angry at it because that is all I have to focus on that gets me out of the house...and that the majority of what I could do with it ended last week with the last of the Farmers Markets. I am planing a big Polish Feast for this month, and truthfully, the pessimistic side of me is thinking it is a waste of time and money. No one will come and no one will pay. I hate that feeling. A lot. I hate having to fight it. I hate how I cycled back to whining. lol

My friends (and lots of strangers) have said they like my product, so that is a good thing...there is just so much to put into it...and so much $ needed to do what everyone thinks I should be doing. Sad thing is....I don't have that extra cash at the moment because of the lack of a job. I will make it work though. Somehow. I just have to not let myself self sabotage. Right? :)

People keep telling me to enjoy this time. That it happened for a reason. That good things are coming. I generally nod my head to this, but not internally. I can't reason the good like everyone wants me too. I'm going to try and do that this month. The way things look, I may be out of a job for a while, so I need to focus on those things I do well and focus on learning those things that I want to learn. I was given a 'fall vacation'. I haven't had a down time in a long long time, so they are right. I should use it.

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Ugh, I haven't written poetry in months. Very unlike me, so I have no idea what is about to come out...if anything. Hopefully its not too horrible. :) lol

Rocks, Water, Time

Rocks are unmoving

There are reasons they say

Things are set in stone

They don't move on their own

They don't sway from their spot

Rocks are unmoving

Water is fluid

It moves where it wants

Does what it wants

Pushes its way through

It doesn't care about rocks in the way

Water is fluid

Rock may be stubborn

But Time works with Water

Erosion happens to the strongest of Rocks

Till even they give way to fluid nature

sitting here alone
thinking of what I've done
what I've avoided
what I've yet to do
oh how strange music
and strangers around us
make us think
of the places in our lives
of feelings we can't back away from
thoughts we sought to ignore
people in and out of our lives
past and present uniting
not wanting to be here
but too late to turn back
when is the time to start new
to start fresh and forget
when we didn't want to remember
in the first place.

Truth is I'm terrified

So much change. So much has happened. So much that needs to happen. I feel backed into a corner and I am fighting my way out. but in that struggle I also have to fight me. Fight complacently. Fight the self sabotage and doubt. Oh no, I couldn't just leave it to fight the world only.

I'm not so much terrified, but concerned that I'm going to WAY over think something a friend said to me. I probably shouldn't, bit well, its me, I'm going to want to understand.

There are roads around me. There's the road that I am on. Just like everyone else I have no idea what is right or if its the right path. I want to be on the correct one. I don't want to let opportunities go by anymore in any area of my life. I've just always been so bad about reading the signs until its too late though. Sometimes I need someone to tell me, especially if they are on the same road, where we are going. I seem to only be able to take charge when I know no one else will.

hmm...lol, maybe I should stop rambling and try to sleep....its just been a long time since I've just sat outside and enjoyed a storm. They energize me and inspire me like nothing else...wish it would take away doubt with the passing clouds too. :)

I cried on my way to work

And I am still sitting in the car. I am already three hours late, I should go in. I need to pay bills and feed the kid, but I started having a panic attack on my way there. It could be a mix of car drama, life drama, and the job...but I didn't start freaking out about the car. Just driving here. Thinking about going in and dealing with things I don't want to. Dealing with yet another change of policy. Another idea. All I want is my exit. Damn it, I have earned my exit from there. It shouldn't be as stressful, or even more so, than it was when I started. Why is this job still in my life!? Maybe I'm a masicist, and since I can't be in a shitty relationship, I stay in a job that treats me like shit. I'm tired of stressing from this place. oh dear God I don't want to go in there. :'(

And there it is

So I haven't been on in a while, even though I said I was going to go back to being back all normal like. Its not that I haven't had access to a computer, but my computer that I write on, the one I had just gotten back, decided that it wanted to have a virus on it. A big ol' nasty virus that I couldn't stop. I have been hoping to get someone to help me get my info off the hard drive and then wipe it clean and start over, but it hasn't been easy to hold anyone down to it. Besides, I use a Window's OS, and my friends are snobs :P and only like Macs. lol So, I am biding my time. I really want the stuff off my hard drive and I am really not prepared to spend the money on a new computer just yet. This brings me back the computer I can use. It works. Its handy. It travels and I like it. But when I am writing, my big ol' fingers can't seem to hit the right buttons and so I don't like writing a lot on here. But not writing anything is getting to me just as much. lol Go figure.

I considered making this a dumping ground blog post, but figured I would give people warning before hand. :) I'm nice that way. lol Hope everyone is doing well. I am sure I will get back in to the swing of things here soon. fingers crossed.

How long can I go with no job?

So, situations change. Stuff happens. I know all this. I also know that generally, down the road, the things that end up feeling like they sucked the most end up working out ok or for the best..I just don't see it that way for a while. lol

Sadly, my job that I was using as the stepping stone to escape my old job, is coming to an end. By the end of this week. I thought I would have more time, but... So here I am, and the question is, do I still take a week or two of only full time at the afternoon job and see what I can make happen? I could use that time to actually study or write. The schedule for job 2 isn't up at all for next month. I could go in and say I want 40 hours (ok, only 37 because they are that way) but...seriously, the thought of that sends me into panic attacks. But what else? If it was just me, I'd say whatever, but I have a kid to think of. I have bills. I don't know what to do here. I would sort of like to keep part of my soul.

I am really considering buckling down, and getting some learning in the next two weeks. Maybe upping my hours there a little bit, but overall, still keeping the morning free. I would have to be focused and all. But I think I could do that. Not sure what all the studying will get me. Don't really see it getting me a job right away...but Idk...maybe a start...and we all have to start somewhere right? :(

I don't do it...

I don't do it all that often, but sometimes I pull the girl card, and I hold it there and don't let go. By girl card I also mean 'old fashioned' or what not. I do this a lot in regards to relationships, and honestly, I try every now and then to change this, but either by results or lack of, I just go back to the 'old way'.

What does that mean? It means I have big issues being the asker-outer. I can hint really well I think, but the vocalization, at least the first time, not so much. That girl card I can put to the side sometimes though. This other one, not so sure. I've only been able to do that once really. I can't make the first move with someone. No matter how much I may want to kiss someone, I don't. I can't make that first move. Going in for a hug is about the extent I can go, and even then I hold back sometimes. I know, its something I should get over and God only knows if I didn't have this 'debilitating' mentality, who knows where I would be or who I would be with. My not trying to kiss you in no way means I am not interested. Me not putting my hand on your leg does not mean that ever fiber of my being isn't wanting to do so. I just don't. I don't make the first move. Its not something that I bring up, so no one is going to know. Its weird. Its me. And although lately this bothers me, there is not much I can do about it.

I'm sure we all have that one thing that we won't do, that anyone else would find silly. These are just mine. These are my girly cards.