Ella Wheeler Wilcox had it right

Ella Wheeler Wilcox (11/5/1855-10/30/1919) wrote a poem called Solitude many years ago. I think I learned it somewhere towards the end of grade school along with other wonderful poems thanks to my sister sharing a book with me. I used to have this poem memorized along with a few others. Solitude is only 24 lines long, but it speaks of a universal truth. Misery may love company, but company doesn't want to be around your misery. I've never really had this truth proved false.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you;

Weep, and you weep alone.

For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,

But has trouble enough of its own.

Sing, and the hills will answer;

Sigh, it is lost on the air.

The echoes bound to a joyful sound,

But shrink from a voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek you;

Grieve, and they turn and go.

They want full measure of all your pleasure,

But they do not need your woe.

Be glad, and your friends are many;

Be sad, and you lose them all.

There are not to decline your nectared wine,

But alone you must drink life's gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded;

Fast, and the world goes by.

Succeed and give, and it helps you live,

But no man can help you die.

There is room in the halls of pleasure

For a long and lordly train,

But one by one we must all file on

Through the narrow aisles of pain.

Its horrible being sad, and if you are sad, you know you are miserable to be around. People can only take it for so long before they are done with you and want someone happy and shiny and new. Its life. I don't deny anyone that feeling.

Its why last week it was somewhat easy to step back. I wasn't totally miserable or sad, but I could feel it. I could see a lot of things, and mainly, I could see the shit storm of my mind coming.

I know its my fault

I am fully aware and take responsibility for the choices I made 12 years ago. I understand how that has impacted my life. Yet at the same time, damn it, I am a smart fucking person. There is no reason I shouldn't be able to get a job the (OMG!) I like AND that pays me well! There is no reason with my degree I shouldn't be able to pay off my student loans. And I should be able to once in a while go its just not fucking fair. People who didn't have the situations I had, who, in my opinion have/had it easier have it lucky. I can't help but think about how different things would be if I hadn't had to turn down the internships in D.C. If I had been able to immediately go on to Grad school.

I'm in sort of a pissy mood right now because I am tired of being pushed into corners. I am tired of feeling lame if I don't spend money. I am tired of not being able to spend money. I am just tired of a lot of shit. Its ridiculous. It passes. I try really hard to not let money get to me. And honestly, its not as bad now as it could be or the worse its ever been. I have some money in the bank...just not enough. Its never effing enough for the needs, let alone the wants. And today I am pissy about it. Today I am crying unfair on my life. I've worked to hard to just be where I am right now.

Chain resturants can make a difference

A few weeks ago one of my favorite places closed in my town. I say favorite with the understanding that it wasn't a 'local' place, it was a chain, but it felt local half the time. Old Chicago's.

It's hard to explain, but let me try. It wasn't the food, which was either ok or somewhat tasty on average. It was the people and the memories.

Many years ago I worked a church. As such I met lots of the parishioners. One of these women had a daughter around my age. My mother and her mother started talking after Mass one day. They both seemed to believe their daughters needed friends. So upon walking in to grab my son and say good bye I was told I had to meet this girl AND get her number. MOST BIZARRE THING EVER. We both just stood looking at each other with our families around wishing we could escape. To pacify everyone, we exchanged numbers and then booked it out of there in our own ways.

For weeks we would call the other randomly like 5 min before we were going out inviting the other to join us and our friends. Always knowing that we were doing what our moms wanted (so we could be honest when asked) and that we wouldn't have to actually hang out with this stranger.

The people I worked a part time job with always wanted to go to Old Chicago's after work. So one day I called her and invited her to join. Oddly enough, I had given her enough time and she was going to come. The rest is history. She joined me and my other friends there each time.

The guy(s) that I was interested went there all the time too. We played darts. Drank. Hung out. All. The. Time. I think I may have spent way too much money there that one summer. But oh it was great. After failed blind dates it was where I would meet my friends. For games or just because we were bored. The servers there were great and it was like a family. We all knew each other. We closed the place down.

I invited one of my other friends to join us, and he and my friend would flirt. It took a few times, but they ended up going out. My friend and I would meet up at Old Chicago's to catch up on how the relationship was going. Discuss gifts being bought. Fun times. My friend ended up marrying him. They now have a little girl.

When my sister came to town to get married, they didn't want to spend a lot on a reception dinner, but they wanted to go out. I suggested Old Chicago's and that was where we all went.

I had my first 'date' with someone who turned out to be one of my craziest, but good friends.

It's where I had my last dinner with one of my (at the time) best friends.

Now, over time, the people that worked there changed. They would change how they did mini-tour parties. I didn't spend as much time there. It was however, where we always defaulted to. I was comfortable there. It was the only place I didn't feel weird going to the bar alone to.

Its all done now though. The place closed. I went with my friend the last day they were open for lunch. We talked with the manager who had known us for years. We cried over the fact that the normal fare we got was already gone. She got the last cookie to take home and share with her husband. We hadn't realized how big of part that place had been in our lives. The things that would never have come about had they not existed.

Its strange how that can happen isn't it.

My year 'vacation'

You know how getting a vacation goes right? You get excited about it. You sort things out with work and family. You have money to spend. The beginning of the vacation is awesome. You are doing what you want...although there may be a few things you didn't *really* want to do, but it had to be done. You start running low on cash, so you start taking things easy. Spend time with friends & family at home. You still have time off, but funds are low. You start thinking about work again. You start at work again and everything feels weird and you are now working to pay for the vacation you thought was covered.

That, my friends, was my year. This, is also, my year end blog post wrap up. JOY!

This year started with a new job part time. I loved it. I was getting paid more than at my other job and working with people I liked. I, for the first time in years, had money to pay all my bills without worrying and some left over. My stress from my other job was cut in half. I was in a bubble of happiness.

The bubble had to pop though, as often things like that do. But I started a side business and only stayed at the 'bad place' half time. I was, I suppose in a state of denial of having to do more, because I didn't. I let the current of the world pull me along. I figured, I had been working since I was a Sophomore in high school, I deserved some down time.

Then, unexpectedly (and thankfully??), the job I had been at for 8 years, the job that all my friends told me I should quit, started going through financial problems and let me go.

So I went this from working two part time jobs everyday, to one part time job, to no job. It was a slow taper...but it still was a shock. Again, I have been working for businesses forever, this whole "don't have someplace to be everyday" threw me off...badly. More then I let on to friends. (I don't care what the economy is like, not having a job is still embarrassing.)

Thankfully, my time at my other job helped out when I applied for unemployment, so I was able to...coast?...for a month or so while I was uber picky about looking for a job.

I now have a job...and I took a big pay cut...and I am back to wondering how the heck to pay for things. Back and forth on the fact that I am over qualified for this job (mainly) that I am 'too old' to be starting at the bottom and the fact that I have a job at all and this job is in/related to a field that I love and have wanted to work in since I was 15. The 'vacation' is over. Hard reality gets to have it's place back in my life. woo hoo

I'm not saying this was a horrible year. I'm not saying that it was a great year. It was definably an odd year. One I made it through (few days shy, I know). I'd like to say I learned a lot...but nope. Well, I learned that my other job really did do more to me psychologically then I would like to admit and I really should have left it years ago, if only for some other crap job for a while. I hope next year, a bit more of my old self will come out.

That is my year 'vacation'. I am getting back into the habit of a job. Of all that it entails. woot!

You're so nice not to say so.

So I suppose I should say thank you to all my friends around me who haven't commented on what I am going to deem 'massive amounts of weight' the past 2-3 months. Granted I haven't stepped on the scale (haven't since August actually...), but I know. It kind of sneaked up on me actually. The past two weeks or so I've felt like the proverbial butterball turkey. Not a good feeling. Its funny too, because it's not as if I've stopped working out. I still do my yoga (although I haven't this week) and I still run and I still go to the gym. So...I don't get it. Well, I guess I do. Sitting at home all day for months in a row are bound to effect you right? Stupid snacks.

It's just not a place I want to be at. I miss where I was a few years ago (hell, a few months ago was better), I've made strides, but my damn emotional eating screws it up each time. So, it's time for a jump start. I know what is good for me and what is not. What my body will let me not have, and what it demands no MATTER WHAT (Coca-Cola! woot!). I'm hoping that now that this week is over, I can get on it for at least a week or so. Get me back to eating right....

Cleansing diets are harder then Hell, but they are so good for you...well me anyway. So, next week I begin. ~I'm not going to be strict about it this weekend because I have two luncheon parties to go to (one on Saturday and one on Sunday). There is always a reason to not start up, but they are short periods. (rationalizing)

So Monday no: meat (some chicken is ok), seafood, wheat, flour, corn, carrots, potatoes, vinegar, sugar, fruits, dairy, extra caffeine beyond one Coke, no alcohol. Yes to: tuna, nuts, veggies, fish (not going to happen), eggs, water....some more water....and water. lol

There's more to it, but that is it. I am sure, due to $ there are some areas in which I will have to fail at for a bit...or just starve myself? lol but I am guessing that is a bad idea so.....

I generally don't talk about this with people in general. I might tell everyone I am working out or I am going to lose weight or something, but I don't say 'because I feel like size of 3 people,' which I currently do. Not sure how much more running I can add either. Or gym time. But its going to have to find a way for a while. Along with pilates, because I haven't done that in a long time...which may be why I think my body is much in the middle at the moment.

As always, I don't mind company sometimes when I work out. Sometimes I do, but having someone to check in with or be accountable to....it can be a good thing.

So, anyway....that is that. Not much I can do as I sit here at my desk, but get it out there. So be nice, I will be low on sugar. :p

Romance novels

If you are a female, chances are you have read one of these. Whether a 'simple' romance story, or one of the..."racier" kinds. I have been reading these books since I was in Jr High (if not earlier). I won't read 'modern' romances though, only historical. I have my reasons.

First, why did I start reading them? I was the youngest of four kids. My eldest sister was 8 years my senior and then it went down to 4 years with my other sister, also throw in my brother. I won't say that I really liked reading as a kid, but I did, and then I found that all the books I read only took a few hours, where it would take friends days. So, like any logical kid, I asked my siblings for something to read. From them I got sci-fi, some non-fiction, fantasy, and romance. So, I like all those types of books now. :)

One of my friends basically only reads romance novels (no, I won't call you out here lol) and she reads them all. It makes no difference to her. We will book swap every so often, but she now knows not to bother giving me current day/modern romance novels. I think I am a rare person in this, as most people don't care.

I think the reason I don't like them is, well, they are realistic enough to make the possibility of it sting. lol Historical romances always happen the same way, either they are both nobility, or one of them is, or someone is rich. There is some work and drive, but otherwise, its pretty dresses, dances, dinners, and romance. That stuff doesn't happen anymore. Well, not really.

Modern romances go with the day to day and then that added story line of 'yes, in today's world or craziness and work, you can have a romance story.' No, I not a skeptic, but seeing it in a 'this could happen to you' makes some of the aspects of my life not so happy to deal with. Again, with the historical, I have no illusions that those situations will happen to me. (One could wish, but reality is what it is.)

Beyond that, thy also don't have the background of society and rules and pretty dresses and chivalrous men. I like escaping into books, and if you are going to do that, might as well go as deep as you can.

Yup, that's today's post. lol What about you? Preference? Ever read them? Read them but end up skipping long parts of chapters like I do? lol :)

Trust

So many things pop into my mind when I thought of this topic. There is a good chance that this post is going to take a few twists and turns. I can't promise that it'll be a great post, but its about trust, so at least it will tell a story or two.

As I was working the other day, I made a form up for us to post. I worked it all up and then with clenched nerves, brought it in to be seen by the boss. See, for the past 7 years I did a majority of the flyers or signs or brochures at my other job. I enjoyed it, but I also had a boss that...well, didn't like anything. I was used to getting things back with random pen marks or the whole idea changed all together. Not a big deal, but that was how it worked. She made you feel stupid because she couldn't do it.

When I brought it in to my new boss the reactions was "wow! You went all out, that looks great." This wasn't a special sign, just a simple one. It'd been a long time since someone simply said, it looks good.

Lately I feel like I can sort of relate my reactions to my new job as you could someone who was abused for years. Even after the real threat is gone, the natural reaction is to be beat or yelled at. That's me. I keep waiting for it. Waiting for the crazy to come. My last boss told me that she didn't trust anyone, and she never would. No one could be trusted, no matter what w said or did. She never let you forget that she didn't trust you either. Yet, I can see that my new job, they trust you. They trusted me the first day. I had a key to the building, a building housing countless records and items and history, within 3 days. I never had a key to the other office.

Trust is a funny thing, when you don't have it for so long, it seems so weird when you do. It makes you gun shy. I can see now that the feeling of mistrust and fear, leaked into my whole life. When someone who you have given no reason to mistrust you, constantly tells you how they won't, it internally picks at you and, at least for me I see, makes you feel like less then a person.

I, myself, am a mixture of too trustworthy and not trusting enough. I used to just be the former. I was naive that way. "Thankfully" my ex, after another round of 'what the hell is going on' and something came up where I was mistrustful and kind of bitchy, cured me of that. At least he likes to take credit for it. He was proud that he was able to make me not so trusting and kind. (This should of been a big sign to avoid him at all costs.)

On the whole though, I do tend to trust before not. I'm not saying I would give you the keys to my house, but I would trust that you are a good human being and not a complete moron. I let people go up or down from there.

It could be stupid to trust people, but I can't see being a person who tells people 'I won't trust you ever' for no reason. Trust can be earned as well damn it.

I think trust is a good thing, and I try to keep that trust unless you have actually done something to lose it. I like to think on a whole I pick good people to hang out with. Flaws and all.

You may be deceived if you trust too much,

but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough.

~Frank Crane

Book or a movie???

I have to be at work before the time I normally wake up tomorrow, so this post is going to be a little easy. :)

A few days ago a friend posted this on her blog. (I would totally link it, but I know for a while she wasn't promoting her blog, and whereas I think that has changed, I don't want to do so if she is still.) I thought it was interesting. Think the BBC confused groups of books with single books, but eh. lol

My biggest problem when looking through this was trying to decide if I had really read the book or simply seen it as a movie. lol Both for many of them. Crazy think is that a lot of the long ones I read for pleasure, not for school or anything. lol

How's your book score on this? Anything you think should be on there? Its missing all David Eddings, RR Martin and RAA Salvatore, but I guess I understand.

The BBC believes most people will have read only 6 of the 100 books listed here."

Instructions:

Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen
The Lord of the Rings – JRR Tolkien
Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte
Harry Potter series – JK Rowling
To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee
The King James Bible
Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte
Nineteen Eighty Four (1984) – George Orwell
His Dark Materials – Philip Pullman
Great Expectations – Charles Dickens
Little Women – Louisa M Alcott
Tess of the D’Urbervilles – Thomas Hardy
Catch 22 – Joseph Heller
Complete Works of Shakespeare
Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier
The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien
Birdsong – Sebastian Faulk
Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger
The Time Traveler’s Wife – Audrey Niffenegger
Middlemarch – George Eliot
Gone With The Wind – Margaret Mitchell
The Great Gatsby – F. Scott Fitzgerald
War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams
Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh
Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck
Alice in Wonderland – Lewis Carroll
The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahame
Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy
David Copperfield – Charles Dickens
Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis
Emma -Jane Austen
Persuasion – Jane Austen
The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe – CS Lewis
The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini
Captain Corelli’s Mandolin – Louis De Bernieres
Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden
Winnie the Pooh – A.A. Milne
Animal Farm – George Orwell
The DaVinci Code – Dan Brown
One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
A Prayer for Owen Meaney – John Irving
The Woman in White – Wilkie Collins
Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery
Far From The Madding Crowd – Thomas Hardy
The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood
Lord of the Flies – William Golding
Atonement – Ian McEwan
Life of Pi – Yann Martel
Dune – Frank Herbert
Cold Comfort Farm – Stella Gibbons
Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen
A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth
The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon
A Tale Of Two Cities – Charles Dickens
Brave New World – Aldous Huxley
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time – Mark Haddon
Love In The Time Of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck
Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov
The Secret History – Donna Tartt
The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold
Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas
On The Road – Jack Kerouac
Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy
Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding
Midnight’s Children – Salman Rushdie
Moby Dick – Herman Melville
Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens
Dracula – Bram Stoker
The Secret Garden – Frances Hodgson Burnett
Notes From A Small Island – Bill Bryson
Ulysses – James Joyce
The Inferno – Dante
Swallows and Amazons – Arthur Ransome
Germinal – Emile Zola
Vanity Fair – William Makepeace Thackeray
Possession – AS Byatt
Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens
Cloud Atlas – David Mitchell
The Color Purple – Alice Walker
The Remains of the Day – Kazuo Ishiguro
Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert
A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry
Charlotte’s Web – E.B. White
The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom
Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton
Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad
The Little Prince – Antoine De Saint-Exupery
The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks
Watership Down – Richard Adams
A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole
A Town Like Alice – Nevil Shute
The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas
Hamlet – William Shakespeare
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Roald Dahl
Les Miserables – Victor Hugo

Awkward? Yes.

So I thought I pressed post yesterday on this, guess not. Bah, that's twice. Anyway, take this as Saturday's post, as that is when I wrote it.

Today I took the boy and one of his friends to see Harry Potter. I thought this was brave on my part since they are both eleven. lol However, it went fine. No crazy shinaningans before or during the movie. A bit of talking, but not too bad.

After the movie I HAD to get gas, so drove over to the closest one. It's not my place of choice so I was only getting a few gallons. As I was putting the gas in, the boy's friend went inside to go to the bathroom. (Why he couldn't go at the theater while they were waiting on *me* in the bathroom, I have no idea.)

When he came out he was saying how we'd never guess what was over the toilet. He whispered, the boy started laughing. I wasn't sure what could be so strange in a men's room, but who knows right? He was saying how weird it was and (big laugh here) there were 5 different kinds. When he said there was even a glow in the dark, I knew. Condoms. Of course...and OH MY GOD MY SON AND HIS FRIEND ARE TALKING (GIGGLING) ABOUT CONDOMS IN THE CAR WITH ME!!

They found it totally gross and surprising that they would be in the bathroom..and for only $0.75 too. "Those are usually by the register." I really wanted to say something, but this was also someone else's kid, how do I know what they would or would not want him to know?

I was having a bit of a hard time not laughing at this situation, but when the friend focused on the fact that there were glow in the dark and "why, what would be the point, that doesn't make sense," I almost had to pull the car over or something. The boy was just giggling and saying yeah. "That's just wrong and why would you do that, its wasted." ....the latter isn't verbatim, but something along those lines.

I was never more grateful for a topic change then I was today. Five minutes of this subtle, but not directly saying anything was weird. I figure that maybe I should have said *something* but I have no idea what it would have been. I guess I figured letting them get it out was my way of saying condoms aren't bad? Or it could of been my COMPLETE mortification that the conversation was happening at all.

The trip back home

The trip back from my sister's place to mine held the following things: A well thought out blog that I couldn't write down (because I was driving) or record to write later (because my family was in the car), surprisingly few flare up arguments with my mother, plans in my mind to drive down that highway at my own pace someday taking pictures of the old farmhouses, and the realization that I left my pillow and migraine pillow back at my sister's (3 hours away).

I have snippets of the blog in my mind, but I don't have time to write it all out tonight. So, I am not all that concerned about that. What I am most concerned with is my pillow. Primarily, the migraine pillow. I have back up pillows I can sleep on, but I don't have any other migraine pillows, so I have to hope I don't get a migraine until I am able to get that pillow back. It helps me greatly and has eliminated some before they got bad. It might be a total mental thing but...ugh, I just want my pillow. :(