That she'll keep it a day longer

So far I have written two posts, that I haven't, well, posted. I'm mulling the one over and wondering if the other is too blunt. I know, me? Blunt? Never.

Caroline is thinking that she would rather hold off on posting some things, because, like with everything else, she likes to mull if over and over and over. Go figure. As is her nature, she had to over analyze these things. ...not that she has been doing that a lot lately with her posts but... lol

As such, she can't really post her poem from those days either. She knows you are crushed and totally disappointed that she isn't sharing. She thinks you will completely recover. :p

Oh, and as for the nun thing, yes, I actually am thinking I may be serious, maybe that is why my dating life has been what it is. Fate. But, again, don't need to really think about it for at least another 8 years. I don't see a lot changing during that time but... lol

That I'm tired of settling.

Caroline's been thinking that she is tired of settling, and she does it way too often. She doesn't need to either. Yet time and again, she finds herself settling. She's not entirely sure why. Maybe she thinks that what she's given is what she deserves...but ya know, she really is much more than that, and she knows it. She shouldn't have to prove it either.

She realized that most of her life she takes the answers that she is given and instead of going through some pain (possibly debilitating for a while) and dealing with it, she puts up with long, unending pain, and settles. WTF would she do that? She doesn't need to settle. In any area of her life.

Maybe it has to do with her not wanting to 'rock the boat' or make others unhappy or uncomfortable...but really, she needs to get over that. There are certain instances she realizes that she needs to just not worry about the other person(s) or what 'might' happen. She's thinking how can she ever accomplish anything or be true to herself if she just accepts what people give her?

Like scraps, she takes what is left in many situations. She doesn't like scraps..and she hates coming in second. As they said to her long ago, being second means you are just the first loser. (The word 'scraps' actually seems to piss her off...lol)

Caroline isn't sure what this all means. Acknowledging is half the battle though right? Maybe if she makes it her motra not to settle, and says it every day, she'll stop. ...Because she's not really happy with the last thing she settled with.
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Looking back
They couldn't see the changes
As they were happening
Why would they,
They didn't expect any
Everything as it always was...
But change happens in the most
Unexpected ways sometimes
A simple look or word or deed
Can start a ripple effect
That can change everything
Feelings, relationships, life in general
And it can't be stopped
Only realized when
It is too late to do anything about it

That this week might make me sore

So I've been trying to get back into my groove/rotation of workouts since I was sick. (Yeah, I realize its been a while now.) I've managed to get the gym in there, and honestly that's the easy part. I have always enjoyed lifting weights....and using the elliptical or bikes there is easy to do for 20 or so because there are no distractions. However, to make this whole 'healthy' living work, I also do yoga and Pilate's. No aerobics...well not really anyway. (The other two are better for my stress levels and with my asthma a lot less annoying.)

Well, for some reason, I can't seem to get back into the swing of rotating yoga and Pilate's into my schedule. I think I have done some basic yoga moves every couple days..but I can tell I haven't been doing them enough. My hamstrings are not happy stretchers, and they seem to have snapped back so I am already starting at scratch on them.

I am really going to make the effort to get them going again. I may even make a schedule...but we'll see how that goes. If I do get it going though, I already know that I'll be sore. When I restart, I don't like to half-ass things, so those muscles I've been neglecting will let me know. Can't wait. lol

Caroline's been thinking that she forgot she wanted to be a nun years ago. For obvious reasons (that being a kid) she is not. (That and she likes to sleep in. A lot... and masses are almost always early in the morning...) Ok, there are some other reasons too. But as she was sitting in church Saturday, she realized she missed some of it. She enjoyed explaining certain rituals and readings to her son during Mass. She can't do anything about it for at least 8 years now anyway, so who knows. Maybe that was her calling all along? lol or not. Would be interesting to look into. And then all her friends could say (all her MANY MANY MANY non-Catholic/non-religious friends) that they know a nun! lol
(There would also be that added bonus of not having to deal with dating morons and the like, but....lol Damn I am good at avoidance!)
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Sideways falling
Invisible until it strikes
Cold and stinging and unavoidable
Spread out over time
Like a guard keeping us in
Giving false hope
With false endings
Yet still serves as
A great equalizer
For everyone looks,
Regardless of what's inside,
Like they feel the same way.

That its so weird, she's not going to talk about it

Truly, truly bizarre. And in a way that can not be explained, totally cruel, if not intentional. Ah well.

Today was a great one. My wallet was found so I have everything back. EVERYTHING. Nothing was taken out of it. This makes me very very happy. Granted I had to take a 30min drive to get it and then 30 back, but its all good. Saved me from spending money on shoes/clothes this afternoon. ...And my faith in humanity has been restored.

I went to my favorite tea place to relax and write. I ended up playing with Twitter, playing my DS, staring at tea, "thinking" about writing, and then writing a poem. I had hoped to get a few pages mapped out for my book. (Finally got some feedback from my 'beta reader'. Happily, she really likes the direction it is going, but said she is having fun with her 'red pen'. lol That I expected and told her she would have. So I can feel comfortable moving on with it.) But just when I thought I would get some written, a friend called. When I got off the phone with her, a friend showed up. Then I was late to my dinner party. lol So no book today. I could work on it tonight but....yeah, I think I am going to sleep instead.

One of my old co-workers that I loved, came to town for the weekend and got to spend some time with her. Got to hear a 'non-biased' opinion on things. Both refreshing, yet not shocking. lol Her son and my son get along great and they had so much fun. I felt bad when it was time for us all to go because I am not positive when I will get to see her again. Plans are being made to go up North and go camping though. Totally up for that.

Caroline has been thinking that her word for the month must be 'totally' because she has been saying it a lot lately. Wonder what next month's word will be......

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The stranger sitting next to you
At the crowded coffee shop...
The child riding the horse
Outside of the grocery store....
The couple sitting on the bench
As you walk by at the park...
The new car that passes
As you unlock your old one...
The friend that listens to you complain
About the same thing for the uptenth time...
The person you come home to
And who welcomes you...
They bring you
Exctiment
Happiness
Envy
Comfort
A rock
Everything plays a roll in our lives.
Everything.

That she can accept the way her life is...

Caroline's been thinking that she could blame her wondering mind on her crappy day/week...but it wouldn't be fully true. She knows she'll be single...probably forever. That sounds weird, she knows, but...it just seems to be the way the world wants it. She's not going to stop dating or anything crazy like that, but...she doesn't really know how to explain it.

The past few weeks have been rough on her. Life keeps throwing things at her and there has been this want/need to share it with someone. Someone who isn't even there. She should just be happy to share it with friends. To lean on them. She has some pretty kick ass friends that she has had for years that she has come to realize woud do just about anything for her. She's not going to say that all this hope is too much to deal with (even if it is sometimes for her romantic heart) and that is why she has come to this conclusion. She just, well, sees. Sitting at a bar, and drinking alone while everyone else around is not, is sobering. (no pun intended!) Too much focus is always put on what will never be, heck in all aspects of life. She just wants to let it go. Own it if you will. Now if everyone around her would just accept this as well.

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So slowly time seems to move
So quickly the drinks seem to dissapear
The regulars stand gaurd by the door
Those looking for escape from the day
Set up camp at the end of the bar
So much happiness and celebration
Is expressed in the groups that have entered
Slowly the ice in the drink gets stirred
By the straw round and round
"Something strong" she hears someone say
"Anything strong..and make it a double."
The lost look in the girl's eyes seems to move the bartender
And those closest to her at the bar
Round and round the straw goes again
Everything is represented here tonight

Appreciation is so important

A few months ago, one of the companies I do business with sent me a book simply titled "Thank You." It has numerous quotes inside stating different ways of extending your thanks to someone or how it feels or how it helps to do so. It is amazing how the simple words like 'thank you' or 'good job' can truely make somone feel worthwhile.

Work for the past few weeks (ok, year or so really, but lets not look at that) has been rather rough. Some co-workers and I took it upon ourselves to set some pretty awesome goals for our department. We exceeded those goals. Management knew of our goals and they were encouraging. They said nothing once we did. Not a word to anyone...except me, and the comment was more like a backhanded insult. We went through a remodel in which our dept was completely turned upside down and most days we didn't know how we were going to do our jobs. But we smiled and helped people and moved on. Again, not a word about how well we were doing. Sadly, I have been the only one to tell them they are doing great. I get nothing out of it, other then encouraging them and letting them know that I at least appreciate all they do. Its so hard to over look the power of simple words. Both the negative and positive.

"It may be in fact utterly impossible to be successful without helping another person to become successful. I don't know. But I don't think one can become liberated without liberating somebody else." ~Maya Angelou
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So quickly the scenery passes by
No longer sunny skies over
Green fields or happy clouds
Over lively populated forests
Quickly the vessel moves on
Patches of fog conceal
The growing grounds of bare sand
And sharp croppings of rocks
Those who see the vessel pass by
Yell for you to turn
To get out
To stop
But head on it continues
Ignoring where the path is headed
Momentarily you may see
What lays in the way
So you go faster to avoid it
Those outside of the vessel
Can see what will happen
And try to encourage a change
But their words are nothing
To the thrill of this ride
To the challenge of getting it right
Until you can see what they wanted to stop
You can see the cliff at the end
Dropping into nothing
But it is too late to turn
To get out
To stop
And the you find yourself
Tumbling out of control
When you could have stopped
So long ago.

Different perspectives are good for the soul

Went to go listen to a political journalist tonight. His background is 'on the opposite side of the fence' from my political leanings, but that's OK. I went to hear what he had to say and learn from his experience. On these levels I wasn't disappointed. There were only a few times in which I wanted to roll my eyes at the obvious bias, and that is actually a good thing, because when I heard the format, I was afraid it might be more. I was grateful to be able to go. I never feel comfortable just agreeing with people because that is what I have always done, I fully believe in listening to people on both sides and learning all you can. Take everything with a grain of salt, but learn from it. My 'Libra' side feels a balance after tonight's event. :)

Caroline is thinking about how flippin' tired she is. She stayed up late writing last night (very late) and woke up early for work. Completely stressful day at work, followed by self-inflicted stress added to the exhaustion. She would like to go to sleep now, but it is still before 12, and she knows better. Besides, she needs to think of a way of avoiding the repercussions of telling a friend a little tmi about herself. She could see the wheels working in her friends head and worries about what strange men will be thrown in her direction. lol

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They were only six words
Uttered with out a second thought by the speaker
Yet they echoed through the mind
Of who it was aimed at
Six words to hold such power
For such a long time
To dash dreams and friendships so casually
Without even realizing

Yeah for weekends and friends

This weekend was full. Ok, not really, but it felt like it was. Started off with a friend coming into town and just hanging out and talking with her for a few hours. Its so rare in our lives that we get to do that. My kid, her kid, jobs, life in general. It was nice to just chill out with her and talk. Sadly, it was only possible because she lost her job the week before. However, we overcame most of that melancholy with laughter.

Afterward we went to meet up with some friends who were celebrating a life change. I am very excited for them. I have always admired people who have the strength of character to do what is right for them and follow their dreams/feelings. I know that I too often let myself settle in a job long past the time that I should escape. The fear of the unknown and being by myself stop me too often. I wish them nothing but luck, and I know they will do well. :)

Saturday I got to sleep in...which made me happy to begin with. lol After doing the regular cleaning duties of a single person (boo to all chores!! lol) I headed off to have dinner with some friends to celebrate one of my best friend's birthday. New place, but totally worth it. Food was very filling. There were plenty of people there...which made it hard for the talking to everyone. I always get nervous when there is a big group and 1) not everyone knows each other & 2) its not easy to talk to everyone because of how a table is set up. I get even more nervous when I am one of the few people there who knows everyone else. Maybe I shouldn't worry so much, but I do. I'm a worrier. Didn't you know that already? lol

We followed dinner by going over to Dave and Busters. Its an arcade for adults...although this one lets too many kids in there all the time. Very annoying. Anyway, going there brought back the fact that my wallet is gone because my D&B card was in it. :( So I got a new one. I played the shooting games (because they are fun!) but a mixture between the overcrowded walkways and noise and lights, I had to call it early. Well, as early as I could. I didn't even use up all the coins on my card.

There had been talk of meeting at my house after to drink and hang out, but everyone seemed very tired. Which was ok...well, truthfully a bit annoying because this was the SECOND weekend in a row I prepared my house for two of my friends and AGAIN they called off at the last minute. Now, my house is normally clean, but I do the extras when I know people are coming, and damn it, I wasted Saturday time doing that. grrrr. The ok part of it was that it was gorgeous outside. Totally clear night for star gazing. When I first started it wasn't too cold either. Some friends called up to join and I welcomed the company, kept me from dwelling on stupid things. lol

Sunday I slept LATE. LATE LATE LATE. I loved it!!! :) So rare that I can anymore. lol It was so great that I was able to really make some headway in my book. Sharpness of thought was there and it led to a bit more creativity and realizing some awkward turns of phrase I had planned on using. I sent what I had to someone to read over. If she can get the general feel and direction, I will be happy. I know there needs to be some editing, but I am more concerned with flow at the moment. I hate choppy books, and I don't want to write one.

Caroline is thinking that, innocent questions are sometimes the hardest to answer. A friend asked her one of those this weekend. "When was the last time it made you happy." Normally this is her way of talking to a friend who is having troubles with someone/thing. "If it makes you more happy then it does sad, fine, if not, you really need to leave it alone." Who knew her friend would throw it back at her. Truthfully, Caroline thought that she had the answer to the question. Even though it was a bit farther back than she would have liked, it was there...until her friend pointed out that the happiness was shortlived and tarnished. Now Caroline is really trying to remember the last time it made her happy and it wasn't tarnished soon afterwards. This saddens her greatly, because it means she is making herself more miserable then she needs too. She thought she was happy, until she realized she wasn't. It wasn't the question that made her unhappy either. Weird. Stupid innocent questions!!!

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For a moment I could see the world as you do
I could see how easy it can be to change
How nothing seems stationary or true
I could see the fluidity of the world through your eyes
The world which seems so full of color changed to shades of black and white
I could see why you are able to think as you do
Emotions trivial aspects of bigger pictures
I could see simplicity in all choices
How free the world was to tethers
....But only for a moment

That its good that I stayed home tonight

Today was, well, horrible. I can't really even say why, which I think makes it that much worse. I was woken up at 5:15am by a migraine. I groaned a bit, but rolled over to go get some medicine. My body doesn't like to work at 5 in the morning and when I have a migraine, I don't ususally have that good of balance, so I wobbled down the hallway in the dark, grasping for the walls. Oh the fun. The pain wouldn't let me just sleep it off either. Kept waking me up all morning. I also got a call and a text or two from work, after I had called them telling them I had a migraine and was coming in late to recover.

lol Honestly, I think I've just felt an uncontrollable amount of rage today. For that reason, I didn't really talk to anyone. Or at least I tried not to. Again, I know I get angry over stupid stuff (the whole Polish/Irish heritage mixed together) and I know when to keep my mouth shut. Not saying that I didn't wish someone would say something stupid to my face so I could lash out. lol hmmm, that sounds bad. I think we all have days like that. Everything feels off and the whole world is your enemy...except those people who buy you a shake, those people are special.

On the up side of today, my brother-in-law drove 4 hours to bring and help install a 'new to me' washer. Its not the prettiest thing, but it works...and it is large capacity. This is great since I like to overfill washers, which is bad for them. I filled my first load, and OMG I could keep going!! It was amazing!! AND the thing is QUIET. Which is also pretty cool. Very greatful to have a washer back, its been a long couple weeks without one.

Caroline's been thinking that she is glad she 'took the night off' and stayed in. No gym, no friends, no going out. Just throwing on sweats and hanging out at home, not even only on the computer either. She's liked this...although she has been yawning all night, so staying in makes her tired. She's also been thinking that all this stress this week is making her sick, and she does NOT want to be sick again, so maybe she will give in to the yawns and go to sleep early...which means she'll be up at 2am, 3am and 6am as is common when she goes to sleep before 12. Oh, the life of a night owl.

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You don't listen
You don't hear what the song is saying
All the words
All the emotions that I want to convey
There in the songs that I hear
That I listen to
But that is not your way
You won't analyze each verse
Each chorus
Looking for the parallels to our lives
Or the hidden messages that I need you to hear
There is not fear in sharing the music with you
You will always miss the point
But I,
at least,
Will feel as if I have bared my soul.

That she made a decision the other day...

But is totally failing on the follow through of it. Heck, it hasn't even been started. Not sure what is stopping me, I know my friends are there to back me up, but I don't think its fully in my nature to do. Which is not a good thing. Yes, I know this is completely vaugue. I'm good at vaugue. Very good. lol

Otherwise the day has been 'eh'. I've been dwelling on my wallet. It just saddens me that someone has/had it and now everything is gone to me. I cleared off my home answering machine (totally give that number to people I don't want to actually talk to, and its listed) so that the good Samaritan that picked it up could look up my name (because its in the wallet) and call and tell me its all good. But no. No call. :( Ugh, why do people suck so much!

The past few days I have been eating crazy stuff. I have no idea why, but I think tonight when I had a salad with creamy Italian dressing all over it, that was the healthiest thing I have eaten. (Still not sure on the sushi I had the other day.) Seriously, I must be stressing. Maybe over the decision I made, but am waffling on. Then the wallet. Bah. I think I have eaten more sugar and random crap the past few days then I have in the past few months. But tomorrow I will be better. No, I don't deny myself things, but I really can't live off the crap I have been eating and my body is not happy with it. Its becoming all sluggish and fighting the workouts. This makes me unhappy. So, if you see me with crazy stuff in my hands..ok, don't slap my hands...or look at me sternly...but maybe be subtle as you rip it OUT of my hands. lol Drinking does not count. :p

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I started this at work today. I didn't forget to start writing it down when it came to me. Thing is, I kept getting interrupted and I so I think my focus changed a few times. There are elements to this one I like, so I might have to work on this one some more...and I don't think its finished either. Ah well. :)

A cloudy fog inhabits the
Turn in the road along the trees
The patchy which highlighting the
Bright greens and deep browns
That the forest possesses
The tops of the trees become white
As the sunlight that peeks
Through the fog hits them
Quiet settles in with the fog
An inherent trait that it brings along
Looking down the leaf strewn path
I don't know what is there

(yeah, no closure, but don't know where I want it to go yet. lol)