Why do I bother?

I find myself saying "why do I bother?" way more often then I would like. One would think, that I would be able to stop 'bothering' with it all. Yet I do anyway. This is really pissing me off. Mainly at myself...and also because I can see another friend as right when they told me that...eh, never mind, that friend was just right I think and that is shitty. Other friends are right and THAT is just shitty. I am right, and that is just shitty. So why the hell do I bother?!?

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Always up in the air
Never sure where to land
The bottom is easy to see
Not quite floating
And not allowed to rest
Tumbling through at other's whim
Take control of the air
Pick a place to land
Good or bad you choose it
Screw those that don't allow it
No rhyme to the reason of your unease
Should not be something to let yourself stress

Focus, insanity, hard truths

Two weeks into January my main computer decided to stop working. Two weeks into January I started a second job. Two weeks into January I got my first ticket. Two months into the year, my car got hit. Two months into the year, a friend said something to me that through me for a loop of sadness/confusion. Two months into the year I apparently was tired of losing weight, and decided to gain a whole lot back. Two months into the year, I started fighting the feelings. For the third month of the year, I just existed. I wrote, but only on a private site. This year has been anything but simple for me. From what I hear, its the same for everyone. Sorry everyone, but its all going to be ok. Right?

Thankfully I got a netbook from my new job, so I have been able to be online and do things, but its just not the same as focusing at my computer. The full keyboard not mocking my huge fingers and typing the wrong things. I miss access to my pictures. To my old writings. To all my freaking passwords. My music. I want my computer back. Its throwing off my routines and what I do. The monitor wasn't responding so a friend loaned me theirs, sadly this did not make it work. From what they can tell me it sounds like a video card. So now I have to get one of those. Here's the uncomfortable part for me, I know I have friends that can help. I have friends that are willing to help I am sure. But I hate asking. I hate having to say the words fully to them. In due parts because I don't want to be a pain and because I hate it even more when someone says no. (Or yes, and then I wait around for help that never comes and then I never ask/remind and then there is this cycle of bothering people and blah!!!) So needless to say, I still can't use my computer. I am VERY hopeful that the part can be found and then maybe, just maybe, I can use it again. Pretty please world?

The being able to be where ever I think it messing with my focus...along with everything else of course.

So for the insanity...ugh, its totally just me. Me warring with myself yet again. Its what I do I guess. Rational thought fights emotional thought fights hopes fights reality fights future fights past. All leaving me sort of ...floating and not sure where I should be landing. What is there to hope for and what is there to leave behind. What dreams to pursue and what ones to finally let them go. No one likes letting go of a dream. Especially ones we've held on to for a long time. So that alone doesn't make me insane. Ok, I'm not REALLY insane, but when I can't steer my mind in the direction I think (KNOW) it should go, I seriously question myself.

Hard truths play into this. On April Fools I always say something...witty? lol....to one of my friends. She then knows its April Fools, because its generally some nonsense about the guy I am talking to/seeing. This year I didn't send her anything. She noticed and gave me crap. Hours later I texted her back telling her I was completely over someone and was never talking to them! Sadly, we both knew it was my April Fools and that only she would get that. The worst part of typing that text out was the truth of it...the truth of how false it was. Some people just hang on to our hearts when they have no right to be there. That's the hard truth. This person has no right to be in my heart. They never really earned it I suppose. This whole situation isn't as big as it sounds, its just a small thing, but its what I do. I let people have a part of me that don't deserve it. Its a hard truth to see that sometimes. I don't really like that either.

In an attempt to get back on track, I am having a game night. Granted, its a big game night again. I used to have biweekly little ones with just like five people. Those were fun. Sorry, lol off track. Anyway, having that game night. I need to clean the house. I would like my place to not be horrible when guests get there. I have the MS Walk on Saturday morning so I won't have time to clean then, so its all now. My house isn't horrible, but it did accumulate some clutter over the winter months, and I would like to fix that. I want to clear out some space. Of course, I also don't want to just toss it either. It all needs good homes. Suppose I shouldn't worry so much, my friends should just like me for all I am...clutter in corners included.

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The Hardest Part

Things are never as you expect them
The happiest become the saddest
The closest friends become the most distant
The slow day moves fast
The game is turned before it starts
The day ends
The day begins
Things are never as you expect
Sometimes the hardest part is not saying goodbye,
But saying Hello.