Cycles

"Those that don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it." I think we've all heard that said a hundred times in our lives. Of course they are generally commenting on the world in general and politics and war. It works well for life too though and that maybe you have to repeat it so many times before you can actually learn. We can say we've learned when we are down on our knees in pain or regret, but when the situation pops up again in a different form, we may not be much better off.

I know I am not immune to not following this, along with many people I know. We make the choice over and over again in our lives. We find it was the wrong one. After a few times in life, we may even see the similarities. We start to notice the things in life we should avoid or learn from...but we aren't quite done with the lesson, so we go around again. After all, its not exactly the same, so we don't have to compare. ...By the way, I think I am going to rely a bit heavier on listening to friends on this one, they see the similarities faster then you or I because they aren't that close to it.

Relationships are a great example of this. Its like we have to have it drilled in our heads time and again what is bad for us, what we don't need, before we start to actually see when a relationship or friendship is bad for us. We like to think we know what is going on. That we did learn from it the last time. "This situation or that, that seems so closely related, really isn't anything like it." We believe that we aren't going to fall for it again, but what that saying doesn't remind us is that history can be comfortable.

We start something, we may see those warning signs we saw the last time, but it feels 'right'. I think that feeling of 'right' comes from the fact that it is familiar. People like what is familiar and comfortable. What we know. We know what hurt us. These new situations though, they are not all bad. Parts of it are good, ignoring the things staring us in the face. Besides, we know better right? We won't fall for something again. We've 'learned'....until we see that we haven't.

We start the cycle of a bad habit. Just one time here or there, we forget why its so bad. Then it hits us why its just as bad as the last time. Why there are some things we have to give up completely, because they only hurt us. Then we have to find a way to recover. We vow to never do it again. We learned.

Sometimes it seems we never learn.

I think in some things though, I took that saying to heart too strong. I know that. I have had a few of those relationships, that to this day, I sit in amazement that I was still in one with the person. I let them treat me that way. I let myself feel that way...why? How many times did I do the naive thing? I believed I wasn't doing it to myself again and then there I was, shocked and amazed at my own stupidity. So I think a few years ago, after my last go round of seeing how 'stupid' I was, I went to the polar opposite. I won't fall for that again. I won't. Easiest way, don't fall for anything. I want to break the cycle. I don't think I realized that was what I was really doing until a few weeks ago when I started this blog. (Yeah, for as poorly written as it is, its a long time in the works. Sorry. lol) I can make all the excuses I want, but I have realized that I have a sever blind side to some things. To how I let people treat me. So I avoid some of those situations as best I can. Someday, maybe someone will be worthy enough for me to try it out again.

This doesn't mean I don't feel anything. Sadly, I think at times its the opposite. lol I don't think learning from something can take away the way base of the situation. Of feelings and gut instincts. I am just being pickier then anything, because in my mind, that is what I learned from history.

Cycles are all around us. The ebb and flow of what we have going on in our lives and those of the lives around us. Happy. Sad. Indifferent. Its the cycles that are bad for us that are usually the hardest to break. No matter how much we've learned from it.

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Cycle

Oh how we cycle back
To feelings lost and feelings found
Happiness to sadness
Joy to anger
So quickly it passes through the day
One moment a feeling rules your vision
One moment the feeling is but a memory
Oh how we cycle back
To things we don't want to deal with
Of ways of showing anger
With no words at all
Of inflicting pain on others
When we think they deserve it
Oh how we cycle back.

It bothers me, what can I say?

Someone said something to me the other day and honestly, I can't forget it. Its just ringing in my ears. It hurt me to the core more then I could have realized. I don't know if it was how it was said or who it was that said it, but it hurt. I have been reeling ever since trying to make it not have any effect. To pretend that it was all ok...but it wasn't. It hurt. It was such a shocking slap to my face I don't know if I even felt it fully when it happened. There is it. I am sure, like most things, I will let it pass. I will 'forget it'. But for right now, those words echo in my head, and I just wonder if that is what people really think of me.

I know I have issues from childhood that creep up into situations such as these, where I have to wonder if I am reacting properly. If I am being overly sensitive. I think I am deciding this is a little of both.

So, if I am little quieter. A little more vague. Know, that I'll more than likely get over it soon, but for now, I am just licking my wounds.

I like to learn, what can I say?

I have always, I don't know, prided myself on knowing a little bit of everything. Sort of like a modern day courtier. I know enough words, I listen to context, and generally I can hold my own in situations where I am not an expert. A lot of the time, this little bit of knowledge leads to a thirst for more though.

As silly as this would sound to some of my current friends, I did design/create a few websites...but it was back in '96, and after the host server was shut down, I didn't really think about it. I did know that I had enjoyed do it. With technology though, you know nothing is really the same. So many things have changed. I might as well be using 5" floppies.

Enter my new job. I am not responsible for any of that. I don't do any of that. I listen everyday though. The ease that these terms and processes fall off people's lips...its like a secret drug to me. I don't like not knowing. I want to know what they are talking about. I want to be able to hold my own. (Beyond the simple fact, that knowing this will help me do a better job.)

So today, I jotted down words that I have let pass over before. Basic words for them I am sure, but more of a wtf are they really talking about for me. I enjoyed looking it all up and learning. Granted, I would be happier talking it over with someone and 'hearing' it. Reading it all doesn't always do it for me until I see or hear it in practice. Its a slow process, and I don't expect to know it all, but I am hoping to get a bit closer to not being completely lost. lol

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The More

The more I fight it
The more I try to ignore it
The more I try to control it
The more it just gets messed up
The more it all seems lost
The more it all seems helpless
The more I think it won't matter
The more it seems to play a part

Suppose I could tell people...

So, long and short of it, I am Catholic. There is a lot that goes into that statement, and maybe someday I will blog about it here, but for now, that is just a basis statement. Today is Ash Wednesday. For many that signifies the beginning of Lent. Ashes on the forehead. Fasting. Giving things up. Its a show for some.

I'm somewhere in the middle here. The tradition of Ash Wednesday and the Lenten season has gone through cycles in my life. (Btw, cycles is the theme of the blog I keep putting off! Crazy that.) I have been the child that was told what to do and given up the allotted candy and pop (that was a failed one lol). I did the whole "I will be nicer to my sister. I will clean my room. I will do the dishes." I evolved and devolved in all of this. I grew up and learned deeper meanings. I grew up and ignored it all because a priest made me angry. I've had a lot of changes to how I approach this liturgical season.

About 9 years ago that changed. I was working at a church. Each year I got to hear the 'crazies', I heard the 'ChraEasters', I heard the old and the young. All the questions. All the bs. I heard the priest talk. I heard the 'insider' information if you will. I came to see the season not as something where I go around and tell everyone what I am giving up. Mainly, because that's not what it is all about.

Its about changing yourself. Transforming over 40 days into something better. To sound...corny?...its to transform yourself into something better for God. To use the gifts that you were given. To take advantage of the good in your life. To focus on making yourself a better person mentally and physically. Almost like a thank you for what you have been given. To see for 40 days what you have and to be grateful, and show that gratitude by taking care of it.

Its not a time to tell everyone what you are giving up though. There is a bible passage (seriously, I don't quote, I can just tell you its there and hope to paraphrase close enough) that says something along the lines of "if you are fasting, do not moan and complain. Bathe, comb your hair, smile. Those that crumple their clothes and complain and get attention, have already gotten what they want (that being attention). If you are donating money, do so privately. Don't parade all that you have done or will do. Those that do have already gotten their reward. (again, attention) If you are going to pray, do so privately with God. Those that shout it out their prayers are already getting what they want. (attention)" It goes on, but that has always stayed with me. (This one I've known about forever.) I don't go into this season wanted to tell people what I am doing or why or how. I just want to do it silently. I want to do it for me and God.

Of course, I won't lie, many times I also won't share or even hint, because I am not sure what I will do until Ash Wednesday anyway. lol

This year however, I think I will share. I won't bring it up...and I would rather you not if you are around me. (If I fail at something, its my failure between me and God...that's it.) I think that too many people focus on the 'what are you giving up' aspect though. It doesn't have to be.

This year, I am going to work hard at following the fasting rules. Its really not THAT hard. Two smallish meals and one normal meal, no snacking. That's it. Why? Because it takes 4 months to lose 20lbs, but 2 weeks to gain it. I was given a working body. A body that was meant to go out and do things. A healthy body. I don't need to over feed it. I need to make it healthy and use it properly. So I am also 'dedicating' workouts. Meaning, I will be working out more.

I'll have time to work out more, because I am going to be doing less 'time wasters'. One of those being TV. I went a whole year watching maybe an hour a week and now I am up to like 20 a week. This won't do. I am missing out on time I could spend using the talents I have. Which means I need to write more. Read more. Learn more. There is a big world that I have been given the opportunity to live in, I want to share with it and I want to absorb what I can from it.

I need to spend time with people that matter to me. Go on walks with the boy. Share with him more. Spend time with my family. Take advantage of the fact that they are so close. Spend time with friends. God sent each of them to me for a reason. Spend time with myself...but not with the TV...this goes back to writing or reading more. I run around and around and don't even see what I am doing.

Go to church. Honestly, one of the only reasons I am not going now is the time. I hate waking up early and I hate finding parking at the other church. So I don't go. That is not so much a good reason. lol I am going to be realistic, but I really am going to attempt at going weekly again.

Donate my time. I signed up for an MS Walk here in a month. If you want to help me with my goal click here.Its not a lot, but its one thing. I'm going to look into donating time at EKan or Habitat this year too. Not just for the season.

I have stuff...I don't need that much stuff, but other people could use it. I'm going to look into moving some of this 'stuff' to people that could use it. Goodness knows I have enough clothes of various sizes in my garage that could clothe a family of 4. lol

I don't make tons of money, but I make enough that instead of eating out four times a week maybe I could save that money and donate it to an organization that I trust that can do some good.

Stop eating out so much! lol (See how I make it all tie together?) I want to spend time with friends, and inevitably, that means eating out, but I need to cut back the rest of the time spent with the restaurant industry. I say now, that I plan on have sushi EVERY Friday...hopefully with friends. :) Beyond that, we'll see. I won't 'budget' I see where I am. I can make P&J. I LIKE P&J. lol

Remember how to pray. I used to pray a lot. Not daily. Not 'devoutly'. Yet it was regular. My prayers were more like conversations. One sided as it may be, but they were open. Its weird thinking about how much better I felt when I did that.

So there...that is what I am doing for Lent...and hopefully the 40 days will create a habit that stays with me after. Because being a better member of society, being a better friend, a better mom, a better sibling/daughter, a healthier person...these aren't bad things to be.

I won't ever ask you what you are giving up. Or even more to my point, simply what you plan to do. Its up to you. Its a personal thing. If you need help share, but otherwise I see no need to proclaim it. We are human. We are fallible. That is why we are given 40 days every year to try and start again and be that new person on Easter. :)

Sorry so long, but that is what Caroline has been thinking.

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The thoughts they keep me up

I actually had this week's blogs planned out. The topics I was going to write about. Even had an outline for one. That one was going to be today's...but idk, I'm not feeling it right now. I feel like rambling...but I don't want to. I just have things running through my head and I want it to stop. Nothing is connecting to anything else, its just there.

I am going between the facts that I am tired, that I am cold, that I am sore, that I am hurt, that I want to write a chapter in my book by Wednesday, to bills, to jobs, to friends, to the cycles of life, to the boy, to cleaning, to my car, to my family, to politics, to people's beliefs in politics, to books, to things I know are going on out there, to what I think is happening, to what I know is happening, to things I can't change, to things I can. Damn. It almost sounds like I am crazy. I'm not. I just can't make it stop. I'm half tempted to take some NyQuil just so I can sleep. None of this should be taking up my time or my mind, but add it all up and Vola!

Sort of want to call up a friend just so I can listen to someone else for a while. lol

That my friends, is what Caroline's been thinking today.... and oddly enough, typing it all out, seems to have eased my mind. I think I can sleep now. WOO HOO!!

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I've not been posting any poems lately. I think in taking that break, I became afraid. I still write them, but now I am second guessing putting them on here. I have no idea why.

I'm really not a child

It could just be me, or it could really be happening, but is seems people around me, friends or what have you, have taken to treating as a child at times. Telling me what to do, think, say, eat. Generally I guess when things people do annoy me, I simply ignore it and it will either go away or I will keep ignoring it. However, the past few weeks, with the mixture of schedule changes, stress, lack of sleep and my own inner battles, these little....orders, are pissing me off to no end. Well, maybe not to no end, but its setting my nerves to raw in an instant instead of just bubbling under the surface. Part of me feels bad when/if I do show my annoyance, but the other part of me wants to go WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE!?

Minus my son, we are all adults. I accept that. I also accept, even if I doesn't make me overly happy, that I am older then 90% of the people I talk to, work with, and hang out with. I have a lot of experience in my own world. I know what's good for me and what is not. I know my limits. I know my weaknesses and downfalls. Yes, like all people, at times I will ask for help, or advice...this does not mean I need someone to hold my hand or scold me in public. Seriously, it drives me crazy. It crosses the line of friendship and caring into the condescending realm.

Overall, I love my friends. They all have strengths and weaknesses. They all mean something to me. They will all make mistakes. They won't all always get along or like each other. Its life. I get it. I wouldn't want to be here without my friends.

But lately...I could do with just a little less 'parenting' from some of them. Ah well.
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Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day. I write a post every year about this day. Its not a post about couples. Or against couples. Or being single. Its a post against the 'commercialization' of the day.

Depending on which resource you go to, you will get a different description of St. Valentine and what he did. In nearly all of them though, its a story of him helping two people to be able to share their love. To use his goodness to help others for love. To help a family.

I take this as a simple, show my friends and family that I love them. Its not a day just for candy or flowers or cards (even if those are nice lol). Its a day to look at the people in your life and let them know you care about them. That's all.

Granted, my next post will have you questioning this, but if I know you, I care about you, and I am glad to know you and I am grateful that you are in my life.

Happy St Valentine's day. :)
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So.....anyone still out there?

My one month off turned into a bit longer. Each day of this month has begun with the intention that I will get back at it. I will compose something. I will create. I will release feelings and frustrations and hopes onto a piece of paper (or web page as you can see). Each day I found an excuse. I'm tired, I have things to do, I have a 'plan'. Each of them are bull shit reasons. I know it. I am just being lazy and I am just avoiding. I know that when I get down to it, I will write what I am thinking. I will write how I feel. And whether I want others to actually know what I am thinking, there are one or two out there that will ask that probing question that will just knock me on my ass or make me face things I don't want to. And that is not a good reason to avoid writing. It always gets out in the end anyway. Even when I see that I have written from not a good place, but from that 'raw, exposed emotions and need to just get it out' place that can be taken the wrong way by others and I get that nervous feeling after and the fear of the repercussions....I am still ok. I survive. Because those that need to understand do. Those that don't actually know me, maybe find they can relate...or at least think 'thank God its not me'. I miss my daily groove. I miss this. How on earth did I lose time to do it?