That tonight would have been a good night to not be single

Today, the first half, was OK. Nothing exciting. Nothing bad. Just a day. Then I went to go watch Monsters vs. Aliens with some friends and my son. Still good. It was a great movie and the 3D was cool. That's about where my day took a sharp turn into shit. :(

I normally carry my purse into theaters. Today, we were rushed, so I only took my wallet. Somehow between me walking out to the car and the gas station, my wallet disappeared. Oddly/thankfully, I had my cc in my pocket. My ONLY cc. We drove back to the theater to see if maybe I had left it on the top of the car and it had fallen off. No dice. It was not there. Went into the theater to make sure I didn't leave it somewhere inside or if someone turned one in. Again, no dice. So I am left to think that I dropped it/left it on the car (don't remember putting it there but....) and someone picked it up. God forbid they do the right thing and turn it in. Well I laugh at them because there is NOTHING of any use to them in there. Oh wait, there is TWO WHOLE DOLLARS. mf. Basically there are pictures, my OC card, insurance card, my son's RX, and Rx for me and my if my son goes missing here's what the cops need asap card. Oh, and lots of receipts...which scares me. Also my bank acct #. But I have already called my banker and he's gonna be on the lookout. :(

Oh, and I broke a nail, but that hardly seems relevant. lol

Caroline is thinking that after all that, it would have been nice to of had a bf to just hug. That's all. She doesn't ask for much. But, just a manly hug would have done wonders for her disposition she thinks. A comforting, possibly just lingering, hug. Alas, she will not get that though. *sigh* Feel sorry for her not, she'll be good tomorrow...maybe lol...but tonight, tonight it would have been nice to have someone care.

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Happy with the lot she is given
Accepting of that which is lost
Hopeful of what can still be
Thoughful of what will not
She's not surprised when things
Don't go the way she hoped
She's understanding when
The opposite is done
She doesn't expect to be first
On anyone's list
She gets why certain things are done
Yet she holds out for the time
When she won't be second
And she will come first
For someone else.

It was a bit of disappointment, but one will survive

My brother moved this weekend..ok, he's still sorta moving, he has another day. But because of this, Sunday brought a lot of driving. He doesn't live in the same town as me, about 45 min. No big woop on the highway. But he moved somewhere that will be about an hour. Yes, yes, its only 15min or so, but I have to go through downtown KC pretty much to get there. Annoying.

Anyway, I was awoken Sunday to my parents asking if I wanted to go with them out to see his new place. Sure I say..ok, not really, I was ASLEEP. There was a lot of yeah, what? hmmm ok. now?! ok. fine. My dad wanted to have fun with his GPS so we went the 'long' way. Why this sounded like a good plan, I don't know. We got there and his place was pretty nice, just a shame it was so far.

Now I had told him a month ago that I would clean his old place. I have done apt/townhome cleanings before, so I kinda know what crazy little things property places look at to charge you. Besides, I love my brother so I would have done it anyway. Here's the odd thing, I don't really like cleaning so much...but cleaning OTHER people's places...idk, there is a freedom in it. :) But, as you recall, I went on an hour drive to see his new place, then had to drive all the way home. And then drive all the way out to his old place. Crazy amount of road time.

Not an important part of the story, but I spent a few hours cleaning his place. Think I got all the little details. I hope I did anyway. Thankfully, he had a copy of his lease there so I could make sure I hit all the places that they acknowledge they look/charge for.

Saturday, because of the snow/ice stuff, I stayed in and an in town friend came over and we watched two of the movies that we had REALLY wanted to see when they were in the theaters. Australia and Quantum of Solace. The Bond movie was actually a bit of a disappointment really. The theme song was even lacking in that 'Bond appeal'. I was sort of glad I actually missed it in the theaters now. Australia however...there were a few moments where my screeching made me glad I wasn't in a theater to share my anxiousness and suspense, but would have been NICE to see Hugh Jackman taking an outside shower on big screen. lol What? lol

Caroline's been thinking that its weird when someone is doing the same thing you are somewhere else. Meaning, while she was watching Bond, she received a tweet from someone (she knows not where they were exactly) who was also watching Bond. Then later that evening, going through tweets, she saw that someone else had been watching it to. This all leads her to what she used to wonder about a lot. With all the people in the world, how many are doing EXACTLY what you are right now? That random movie/show/song you like to listen to that none of your friends like...does someone else have it on right now like you do? And isn't that just weird? Or maybe its just her that thinks it it. lol

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From your window you can see it
The flickers of light in the distant
So quickly the wind brings it closer
Surrounding you in the energy and sound
The power of the event can't be denied
Both frightening and empowering all at once
The strength of all around you
Makes it hard to let go of the door
The rumbling encompasses your body
Moving your soul to just enjoy
And then the wind pushes on
With no 'by your leave' from you
It just passes by
Taking no notice of your broken smile
The clouds bring their power to someone new
The gentle rains fall
You notice that you had let go of the door long ago
And now you stand under dark clouds
Letting the water drench what is left

That I lost my train of thought

I could lie and say I didn't have anything planned, but I did. It was, well not GOOD lol , but it was something. Right now though....two things this weekend that have thrown me for a flippin loop and I wasn't even doing anything to find them, they found me. Damn it all. ugh. Anyway, maybe tomorrow when I can stop saying 'seriously, what the fuck' I'll write a normal blog. At least I had already written my poem for the day.

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It may not make sense
It may not be right
It may not really be your fault
Fate may have already played her hand
But your broken promise
In my mind
Lead to my last chance
That is forever lost
I can't forgive you for that
Because I need something
Or someone
To blame

Not a bad day, if you leave off the procrastinating

So today the BIG WINTER STORM was supposed to hit my town. Now, granted, it still could, but at worst, there were little ice pellets that fell from the sky and melted on impact. Not that this fact stopped people from acting stupid in both driving and acting like we would be holed up in our houses for days and days. lol Ah well.

I get to work Saturday morning...(that would be in less then 7 hours) so for my 'reward' I get a half day off. Friday was the day. So I left a little after 1. Happily I got to meet a friend downtown for sushi. She is sort of new to it, and its been fun getting her to try new things...as I myself am still trying to try new things. lol We have the basics down though. It worked out perfectly too because it is Lent, and I am Catholic, and although I am sort of messing some of the things I wanted to do over these 40 days, I can at least try to refrain from meat on Fridays.

I don't always get to hang out with this friend because our schedules are both weird, but I love it when I do. She is honest, and not judgmental...weird, lots of my friends are like that. lol Maybe that's why I keep them around. Anyway, we were talking about work and friends in general, and she somewhat shocked me when she told me that I have a friend that I needed to have space from...and she had no idea how I could do it. lol I totally could see it, and I, being the loner I am, know I need space, I just didn't see some of my other friends annoyed by them. oops. lol It was nice to sit and chat for a while and not have to bring up this or that, there is always something new to talk about with her, I love it. :) Ok, I have lots of friends like this too...but it was nice for TODAY. geeze.

I went home withthe intention of working on my book. Which I did...but I also pissed my time away playing on Twitter, and then assured myself I needed a quick 30 min nap...which turned into 40...then 60...then 90..then 100. lol I love me some nap. After that, it was harder then hell to get up and do anything, but I knew I needed to because I was supposed to be at a friend's house at 8 and she lives out of town. I opened up my notes to write...and saw someone had done a quiz on Facebook...I haven't done one in a while and I decided that I am not on Facebook enough, so I will grant everyone joy by doing it. lol It took FOREVER. So long in fact, that I was a little late leaving my house.

Went to watch KU play at her house. Good times...until KU lost. :( They played well though, and as all the other fans are saying (to cover up the pain) we didn't even expect them to get that far the way they started out the season. So good job guys.

Tomorrow is going to be a full day. No idea why I am not sleeping right now. Hoping the weather isn't too bad so my friends can still come hang out with me. ....drink with me. I have totally drank too much this year.

Caroline is thinking (and thus jinxing) that there won't be some big winter storm. Generally the more hype there is, the less the storm is in this town. If we all ignored it, we would definately have a few feet. Granted, its cold and windy and sorta rainy, but she really thinks that the "Lawrence weather bubble" will keep it all at bay...which sort of sucks. She was hoping for at least a bit of bad weather so work would be slow. lol

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We run so fast for that which we think we want
Towards that which we think we need
We see those things and people that we feel will complete us
That will connect to us in ways others will not
Not ever thinking that that which we imagine to be so great
Is what we should have been running from the whole time

That some people don't know you at all

I've always thought of my life like a puzzle. Not that I am tricky to figure out..even if I am sometimes. I mean in the way that no one in my life really gets to see the whole thing. There are usually parts I keep. I may share this piece with A, but not with B, but B sees this piece, and A doesn't. I've always been like this. I spread it out. There are some that have seen a pretty good chunk, but no one sees it all.

Not sure if this is because, even though I have some great friends, I don't trust anyone enough for that. Guess its a 'scar' from childhood. You learn...and sometimes you can't unlearn.

Caroline thinks lots of people are like this. No one sees it all. After time you may find one person to share it ALL with, but I think everyone holds back something. This causes people to assume they know you, but they are missing some key part(s).

Those that know you for long periods of time will undoubtedly get to know you better. They will see changes in you if there are some. Changes in thinking or whatnot. Those are also the ones, that when they see you changing, will always take you in. They know your good and bad after the long haul, and they are still around, and when you stray from your beaten trek, they will always take you back in.

She thinks, sure, you can think that is sorta sad that no one knows all of her...but if you had seen what she's seen, experienced what she has, known who she's known...you wouldn't question it. You'd be shocked at the few people she's let in and not shocked when she blocks them out. To quote Ben Folds, " You don't know me at all."
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The day passed slowly
With thoughts drifting in and out
Nothing seeming to stay
All doubts made their entrance
Trying to make something stick
All hopes paraded through
With a quick bow to reality
The ugly and beautiful ideas
Danced a myriad of moves
Never leaving the soul or mind alone
But not hastening the day either

Getting your shit together is hard

Caroline's been thinking how messed up that is. Not that getting things together should be easy, but that at least something should fall into place when you are working at it. But life seems to always throw in a wrench and makes it harder. That card, not at the bottom of the card house, but maybe off to the side on the second level. That card shifts while you are fixing the bottom.

Caroline has lots she wants to get done this year. Lots she wants to have done by April if possible. Resume to work on, chapters to finish and send to her editor friend to look over, tests to study for. All along with keeping the house clean and actually clearing stuff out every month. She's been doing a good job so far. Each month she has tackled a different cabinet or room and thrown stuff away. Very hard for this pack rad. She is not looking forward to the garage, and would love help with it...but then EVERYTHING would get thrown away by friends. lol

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Oblivious
Obliviously seeing
The answer shining at you
Like the noon day sun
Yet oblivious
Like the cat who sleeps
On your legs at night.
Clearly seeing the mud
But oblivious to the dirt
It leaves behind
Totally oblivious

What have I been thinking besides OH SHIT I HAVEN'T WRITEN A POST IN A WHILE!! ..not much lol

Well, Caroline has been thinking a lot. But still, many of those thoughts require pics to share. She is thinking that she had lots of fun last week. She accomplished her goal of going out EVERY night. Even when she was so flippin' tired. And she doesn't regret it at all. She thought she would have the chance to see some more people, but eh, that is how the cards fall.

Caroline has been thinking how, although she knows you never want to tell someone they are gaining weight, why don't we? You tell someone good job on losing weight, why not give them a heads up if they look like they are taking a plunge into the deep end? She doesn't mean be all mean and shit, because then that person has the right to kick you. Or maim. Or, if you aren't a friend, she says maybe keep your mouth shut. But if you know the person, and you can SEE that they are doing something they would regret, why not a helpful comment before they get too far down a road.

The last time Caroline went on her bender and gained a shit ton of weight back, no one said anything, until she was like "damn, what the hell happened! I fit nothing and I am a cow!" Then all her friends were like, yeah, saw you were gaining. Really? You couldn't say 'you don't REALLY want to finish that third pint (ok, fifth) of Ben & Jerry's this week do you?' She might of appreciated that more then having to start where she was and work backwards again. Very very very annoying and hard to do.

But it is unacceptable to say that to a friend...at least not without said friend getting their feelings hurt. But Caroline would like to make it known, that should she start slipping up that badly again, someone BETTER say something.
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The simple smile lit up the room
The lights hanging from the ceiling seemed
To sharpen and bring a brighter color to the room
Like a smooth moving current
You made your way across the room
The nod of you head
Stirring not just the air
But the fluttering of my heart
And then the voice that
Has the ability to drown out
All other noises says to me
"Your smile lights up the room."

That it's good I don't work early

Not having the boy around this week has really allowed me to go out and do some things without stressing. I love it. Or at least I am enjoying it. I will probably have to catch up on sleep sometime soon. Seeing as how I love sleep. lol

Got to spend some time with friends downtown today and shop and hang at the bar playing trivia. It was really nice to get to do. Hours flew by while I was playing. lol Woo hoo. Think I also found another guy that will be great for my 'one and out' plan..but we'll see what he is like tomorrow.

I'm still working on all the pictures. I looked and there are TONS. I think I am totally procrastinating here. Maybe tomorrow. Yeah. I will say that...or the next day. lol whatever.
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Kid, I've been coming here longer then you
You don't get to look at me like I don't belong
You who probably had no idea this
Room used to hold a library of books and games
That the room in which I crash studied
For tests and wrote papers in
Is now the brightly lit cafe setting
That smoke would fill the rooms
Along with all sorts of people
Who belonged to the night
That the table in the front
Was one of the last places that I
Spoke with my lost friend
That the couch that now is moved
To face an old TV
Was where I told an ex all that
Was going on and that,
Before he changed his mind later again,
Told me that
He could never see us together
Because, unlike him,
And like you seem to think yourself, kid,
I don't belong here.

That medicine may actually help when you are sick. Go figure

I deserve so much crap for slacking on ALL my blogs. I kind of want to slack today too...and I sort of will. lol I have some pics/stories/blah blah interesting stuff that I want to share...but I am still in the 'I'm sick so I don't have to really do anything I don't REALLY want too' mood. I think I'll be back on track totally next week...I think.

Last week it felt like I had been punched in the eye and I couldn't stop coughing and I was frickin' tired of being sick. So I broke down and called the doctor. TOTALLY was prepared to hear 'Yes, you are sick, just let it run it's course" when I got there. Was...not so much HAPPY to hear the I had an infection (woo hoo) but sort of made the trip worth it. lol Anyway, they prescribed 2 different drugs for me and recommended one. I took them up on those. I am still coughing a bit, but I can feel my head and my throat doesn't scare me so much anymore. I MAY actually be able to function like a 'normal' human soon. Weird how that worked.

Caroline is thinking that some people are SO flippin' stupid! She went to pick up her medicine. TWO prescription drugs. Wants some medicine that is non-prescription, but is behind the counter. Person checking her out at the pharmacy asks for ID, (ok, so Caroline's ID is sort of expired...and might have lost her DL a few months ago...maybe...but we wouldn't want to say that here even if she did) the lady then says 'This is expired'. OK...and??? Then proceeds to say that she can not sell the NON PRESCRIPTION drugs to Caroline, but here are the prescription drugs for her. WTF? Seriously? Totally pissed...but Caroline was sick and miserable, so she said nothing...well there might have been some eye rolling. Bah, people!

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So far from where I started
The choppy waters of life
Drag and pull
Bringing me on adventures
That I do not always want to go on
But each evening I have a special reprieve
Like a magical teleporter
My vessel is brought to you
You are my safe harbor
The long days that appear on the horizon
Lose some of the biting spray
When the knowledge that in the evening
The safety of your arms will hold me still

That I may live yet...

Ok, so I am still coughing (and its just retched) and my nose decided to drive me to insanity today BUT I was able to do things yesterday, work today AND workout finally, and I am still alive. I don't feel like I am going to die. I may want to try and go to sleep early tonight though, the workout could kick me in the ass.

So like I said, I was able to go for a walk yesterday. Now, Saturday it had rained here (lots) so I decided to take the safe walking trail (not in the forest). That and I wasn't sure how far my lungs would take me. Now, it was around 48 outside. The coldest day in at least 4 days of course. Very sunny however. Not too strong of a breeze, and if you stood facing the sun, it was the most comfortable of temps and feelings. Ah. Ok, so midway through my first lap I had to stop on the bench and that was all I did, closed my eyes and felt the sun wash over me and back at me after it had fractured on the pond.

Anyway, so like I said it had rained, so there were parts of the path that were underwater. No big deal for me, I can see the shallow parts and I have my walking shoes on. I come to one area where I hadn't seen anyone go because of the puddles on the path. In between the puddles I come across a snake. Not a big snake, but still a snake. When I got close it sort of pulled back like it would strike if I tried getting a closer look. I can normally tell what snakes are, but I couldn't really with this one. I got a pic...
Probably a garder or something, but I don't take chances with baby snakes since they can be worse then adults. Which makes me wonder...young snakes already?! This one's folks got to work early. Must have liked those warm Feb days we had. It was just weird to see one, and see it on the path. Last time I saw one here was a few years ago, it was a big one, but it was by the edge of the pond looking for frogs.

Caroline is thinking that she wants to write a blog about the $13 a paycheck 'stimulus' package that will start in April...but she still wants to learn more. She also possibly wants to really think about what $13 more a paycheck could do for her. Few drinks? lol She'll get back to you on this. ...and she is thinking spell check abandoned her. bah!
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The lightning struck with such presition
And with such force
There was no way to ignore what it had done
Blackened and bare
Laid open for people to see
So powerful what nature can dish out
And yet such an act brings
Fresh new life
The scar will heal
And a new beauty will imerge.

Glutton for punishment

I have been sick FOREVER now. I am sick of being sick. So every other day when I am feeling 'better' I escape my house and go and try and do something. ANYTHING. Generally, my friends are happy to help. Horrible thing is, I tend to use up all the good that I had and the cold wins another day of my life. This ebb and flow is killing me. Wondering if I could ignore it..I ignore other things couldn't this work too? "No, I'm not coughing," "No, I am not throwing up." "No, I am not clamy or running a fever." "No no, I don't need to blow my nose." I am sure if I say it, others will buy it, the sickness will get tired of being ignored and it will go away! Its a brilliant plan really. I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner.

Caroline is thinking that the world is weird. Ok, mainly her little world. Friday, while laying and trying to recover enough to go to work the next day, her mind wandered...and it has yet to come back to reality. Ok, her mind is in reality, but it keeps visiting dead subjects and ideas. Things that have been let go of. Things that need to stay where they were. But for three days now she has been dwelling. She can't figure it out. She's afraid to tell people because its so ludicrise! She is thinking that she needs to find a new way of letting go and that she needs to not try and alter what was in the past to fit what is now in the present. bah!
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The gardener happened upon
A walking path
That on its own seemed to thrive
It welcomed everyone in and shared
All it had
The gardener was intriged
With time the path welcomed
The gardener more then other visitors
The gardener helped the path to grow bigger
The walking path that had been
So beautiful before, felt the guiding hand
And was able to share so much more
With the other visitors that came to see
Then one day the gardener passed
A small private garden
The gardener was mesmerized by the beauty
Not much was needed in this private garden
Seeming so simple and whole
The gardener abandoned work on the walking path
To spend time in the private garden
The walking path will always be there after all
The private garden became a sense of pride
And joy for the gardener to share
The walking path began to show the absence
Of the gardener, unpruned branches and flowers
Crowded on the foot trails
And slowly the walking path returned
To the natural way it had been before

Wondering if slow music is good for the sick soul?

The whole time I was sick, I didn't listen to anything. Mainly because my head was pounding for one reason or another. The effort it would take to get up and find the 'right' volume for the music seemed too much as well. Which is weird for me, because I love music. I can usually find the right kind to suit my mood...or encourage my mood. lol Today I started listening to my playlist...and I am not sure that the music is good for me. The words feel the same...but I wonder if my heart it too full of being sick to be able to handle the meanings. Because oddly enough, they feel stronger. Well, not all of them...the slow ones. lol Which is making me think that I should so not be listening to it right now...but I can't stop. I've missed my music.
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Words that once would flow so free
Have been silenced and trapped
One syllable too strong could topple
The tower that has been constructed
Or simply be lost in the numerous halls
That have appeared and echo onto nothing

If I find out who got me sick...

I have been miserable miserable miserable since Thursday morning. Tonight is the longest I have been able to sit in front of the computer. There is some EVIL bug going around and I got it. I'm afraid that its not over yet either. :( I took a look at my throat tonight and it was not a happy looking thing. I'm keeping the fingers crossed that I don't have to go to the doctor's, as all he will tell me as he hands me the bill is that I am sick. :/

Caroline is thinking that she really appreciates her friends that dropped a tweet, im, text, call or hell, even stopped by the past couple days. She has been feeling very lonely & bored... and the first two days she thought she was going to die, so the empathy shown was greatly noticed and appreciated. Sadly, some friends haven't even noticed. lol How's that for knowing where you are in someone's life! Oh well. Maybe she will wake up tomorrow and will feel 100%. Stranger things have happened.
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So, I have tried to scribble some poetry so that I can keep up with my one a day. But, lets be honest here, I was running a high fever for three days and I could barely hold a pen. Delirium may help some writers, but not so much for thinking it helped me. I made some cutesy rhyming ones..but none I will share. Besides, if I try too hard I would probably write an ode to NyQuil since it was the only thing allowing me somewhat peaceful sleep. lol ...or maybe tissues with lotion. :P