Oddly enough though, it's been the best weekend in a long time

I don't have lots to blog about right now. Not sure how to describe the weekend either. Lots of good things mixed with some pretty crappy. I took myself off the grid for most of it. This, so far, it my only interaction with others other then family...ok, and the date yesterday. lol It was like a bubble in the weekend. So weird.

I worked on 'cleaning' my room...which translates to trashing a whole bunch of stuff I was originally keeping. Many bags full. Then I worked on the kitchen. I worry that trash day isn't till Thursday. bah

So Caroline is thinking that even though she got some stuff done, she hates weekends like this.
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It amazes me how overwhelming
The feeling comes to me
How much it encompases every
Part of my soul and body
With no warning it begins
There is no shoring up to prevent the overflow
Knowing it is there and will come
Is always in the back of my mind
Yet I can do nothing to stop it
I try to prepare
I try to fight it
But there are times when I tire of fighting
There are not prepreations good enough
It can win once again
I will shut out the world
I will sleep the day and night of dreamless sleep
I will write the writing that speak of dispair
I will wonder again why
Why does it keep coming back
And I will wonder, now that I've let it
Have so much of my time
If it will go away, how long will it stay
And fear the day it comes back again.

You should never say never...

....because that is when life likes to come and bite you in the ass. lol Just saying.

It's been a weird week for me. Not that many of my weeks aren't weird...but this one was weird too. I can't put my finger on why though. Maybe I am just so used to weirdness I see it when it's not really there.

Caroline's been thinking that everyone should know to not put superglue on their glasses unless they don't want someone to repair/replace them. Then by all means, smear the stuff all over.

Caroline's been thinking that it's really crummy that such a nice day was wasted because her half day off is tomorrow. ....when everyone says its going to be cold and miserable. woo hoo

Caroline's been thinking that perhaps its all the 'serious' books that she has been reading that is causing her writing to stop again. That or lack of drama....hmmmm must look into that.
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Memories guide me back
To see the people we were...
Yet memories have holes
And can decieve the eager mind.
Years can form a memory over time
Into something precious
Just as time can turn a lump of coal
Into a priceless gem.

Of course it would be this week

I have my cat all of what, three days, and I get a notice on my front door today telling me that maint. will be in my house tomorrow to change out the filters. Seriously? Ugh. Thankfully I have a friend that has been wanting a snugly cat and so she was willing (and only too happy) to board Lil' Scratch Franklin Knuckles McCuddles for a day or so. (And yes, I think that WILL be his name.) This is the luck of Caroline. The Polish and Irish work for that too...ya know...dumb luck? never mind....if you do get it, you should ask me my theory on my temper. lol

I was informed today that I will be bowling in a tournament this weekend. I would be more excited if I had known about it sooner. I have been bowling rather well lately, but I would like to get some practice in first....I like to win, what can I say? So open invitation to whomever would like to bowl with me either tomorrow or Friday. I promise not to beat you. lol Well...maybe not. :p I've never had any friends come and watch me bowl, so that would probably be weird...but playing a few games beforehand would be great. :)

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I treat you with kid gloves,
Always ready for you to break.
Yet I know you are so much stronger
Then the things I don't make you take.
I guess you've given me reason
To treat you like I do.
Simplicity is not what you need from me,
It just took a while to the get the message through.

The only thing I'm sure of is....

..that I am tired and I have a headache coming, but if I try to sleep now, I'll wake up at 3am annoyed. So I am writing my blog.

Caroline is thinking that the world seems to be plotting against her. When she sets her mind to do something, everything else seems to point away from it. wtf?

Caroline is thinking that its weird having a pet again. He's very cuddly though. Most cuddly cat I have ever met. And he follows you through the house. Cats are supposed to be independent and not care what I am doing unless its to get them food. This is weird. lol But he was very soothing at lunch time today and the boy seems to really enjoy having him around. I think that is great. Heck, he has even taken it upon himself to be the one to feed the cat! Craziness.

Caroline is thinking that I seriously have too many Libra tendencies. The bane of my existance is to worry if other people like me. Ok, most of the time I get over this quickly, especially if I didn't plan on having a long standing association anyway, but sometimes...

Caroline is thinking that its weird that multiple people have asked her a question, and she has actually answered it truthfully, but, either no one believes that she could really be doing that or they don't care. Somewhat disturbing to me...and at the same time keeps me from lieing to people! :)
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Physical pain can come in powerful waves
And knock you off your feet.
Yet, as time passes, although you can remember
You were in pain, the agony can be forgotten.
Emotional pain can come in powerful waves
And knock you off your feet.
And as time passes, the pain begins to fade
But with a memory, the agony is remembered.

The drink is evil!

Well..ok, the drink isn't evil. Not eating before you drink is. Which is one of the reasons I was so quiet and did not post anything (I DID write). I am the girl that can out drink pretty much anyone. No, not always proud of this...ok, yeah, I usually am. This weekend however..ugh.

I was invited to a housewarming party of some new friends. I, in my BRILLIANCE, did not eat all day. No, wait, I did make some eggs around 1ish. I, in an attempt to relax (that whole 'meeting new people freaks the hell out of me' thing) accepted my first drink. Mostly rum and a wee bit of Coke I think.lol It was good though! Normally, I can have a few of those, add in something else here and there and I won't even feel a slight buzz. To my embarrassment, I was more then buzzed. Ugh. I hate being drunk. Mainly because I tell people I am drunk...and I laugh. A LOT. At EVERYTHING. I kind of annoy myself. lol The fact that I tend to remember all that I do also makes it worse. I am wondering if I'll ever have another invite to hang out with them. lol

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Today I got a new cat. :) I haven't had a pet in a long time. Partially because I am not 'allowed' to have pets here and part because my ex-roommate had two cats...and she made me hate pets. A lot. And I love cats, so you can only imagine what it was like. The kitty is a cuddler! Love him! ...but he also likes LOTS of attention..that could become annoying. I'll have to see. He won't stay still for a pic though. :( Very frustrating!!! Still working on a name for him.

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The world seems so quiet now
As the clouds meet the city
The soft pink glow reflecting back down
Makes the world seem simpler and clean
The stars radiate from the street lights
Creating a mood not seen in the sky
Like a cocoon enveloping the town
And keeping it from the wide outdoors

If I could write a blog about..

...how much it annoys me when things run slowly...oh wait. I can.

I think my patience hit a wall today. I didn't see it coming, until I got behind car after car after car going slow in front of me. I couldn't deal with it. I think the fact that I even chose a back road to avoid the bad drivers and was stuck behind them there too made it even worst.

Then I finally get a chance to get online tonight, and the computer wants to act like its on dial up. Seriously, its too late for this. I am awake right now and I want things to run smoothly! grrr ...um, ok, I'm done. :)

I watched the presidential farewell address tonight. It was only about 15 min long, and truth be told, Bush did a good job. I was actually impressed by it.

I was watching it on Fox, but thought I would skip to another channel to see what the 'unbiased' opinions of the news media would be...but none of the networks even aired it! WTF!?! Seriously? Then skipped to another 'news' network, and granted, the plane crash today was a big deal, but really? Not even a mention of the speech.

I didn't watch any more TV for the rest of the night, so no idea if it got metioned by anyone other then Fox, but I think that is total bs really. I like to think that the media isn't ALWAYS liberal, and the next couple years will show fair journalism...but tonight I was sorely dissapointed.

...and I am thinking I am worth so much more then the crap I put up with. bah!
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I won't always tell you my troubles,
But it doesn't mean I don't have them.
I can't always show the tears
That my mind refuses to shed.
There are things in my soul I haven't shared with you
And chances are I never will.
Everyone needs the comfort of knowing sometimes,
That their pain, or thoughts, are all their own.

Everyday means everyday I guess

I was sort of thinking of skipping this tonight. I would be nice..maybe. I think that is just the sleepies talking though. (yeah, sleepies. I just made that word up. love it, use it.)

Seriously, I shouldn't be woken up before 8am. Ever. Ok, I sort of like mornings...when I don't have to do anything. But it makes for a LONG day. I was good today though and even worked out at the gym for an hour tonight.

I did get to spend some time with a new friend and that was fun. Must do so again soon. We went and had tea at my favorite place, Teapouro, but I didn't get a tea with much caffeine in it, so I am dragging. :( Good tea though.

I can't believe that I forget how awkward I feel with new people. I mean, I guess its good that I don't dwell on it but still. You would think I would remember that when put in with a new crowd of people, I am probably going to be stumbling all over my words and be very quiet at first. I realized this last night when I couldn't even get one sentence out without messing up a bunch of easy ass words. Grr. I think this is actually getting worse and I don't know why. One on one I think I am better...but still think I am a bit of a goober. lol So bizarre, because I am pretty awesome and people love me! :P lol (too over the top there? lol)
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The single glance she saw out of the corner of her eye
told her all she needed to know,
And all that she didn't want to.
What she thought was there,
Was suddenly gone.
It had made a quiet and quick exit,
Without either of them knowing.
There was relief in knowing that...
But such a profound sadness as well.
One can never be sure of what we really want in life,
And its hard to tell if what we thought we wanted,
Will really make us happy.
But the choice was no longer to be made,
It was all settled when she saw him,
Things would never be the same.

The more I think I understand..the less I do.

How is that even possible? I think I know what is going on. What is expected of me. What I should do. How people will respond. Then, it all changes. Without warning or explination.

Or just as bad, I know what to do. How to feel about something. How to act...and then some emotion or feeling will just come out of no where and ruin it all. bah!

Caroline is thinking that she may be crazy today...and that she is sad at how something it going to turn out.

I forgot how things go once a turn a fork in the road. I feel it now and it really sucks. I can actually feel the changes. Partly from me. I think I am putting on some brakes...but I don't see the point.

Caroline is thinking that she really likes good manners. Give me some old fashioned treatment anyday...in the form of chilvary anyway. Open doors, walk me to the door/car/home, and table manners. I notice when someone knows the 'rules' of the table. Its nice. :)

Caroline is thinking that its fun to talk in third person for this posting.

Caroline is thinking that, even if it was a slick sales rep probably trying to get some extra sales, she was still pretty pysched to have someone notice the change. Here's to hoping it becomes even more noticeable.

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You can never really tell what's going on inside
Another person's mind and heart.
They say follow the actions, they speak the truth...
But when you've seen a smile or gotten a hug
That brings sadness instead of love...
They say listen to what they say, in words there is truth...
But when you've heard so many lies
From precieved honest lips...
When words and deeds can so easily betray
What is real...
Its near impossible to tell honestly
What you
Or anyone,
truely feel.

I may chose what side to vote on...

..more oft then not. I do align myself with a party. However, I can't be the only one that sees the hypocrisy that is all around. You can't get mad at people for not wanting Obama to be president and tell them they should support him no matter what because he is our president when you have been driving around with an 'impeach Bush' bumper sticker or something similar for the past 8 years. You can't get a bumper sticker that calls Obama's presidency a mistake already either. He hasn't even entered office officially. Give the guy a chance at least before you insult the job he isn't even doing yet! We're all so set on getting in our little zinger and opinion, no matter how hyporcritical is sounds. bah! ...and this is why I love politics. lol

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Chances that you didn't even know you had
Pass without any action.
Opportunities to stop actions that will spiral
Hindered by the hand of fate.
One must accept that this is the way it should be.
Had the universe deemed it so, it would be different.
No one can see the future,
Too many paths can be taken to change it.
No one can change the past,
The doors to those opportunites are lost.
Dwelling on what you missed,
Thinking on what you did or didn't do,
Mulling over what you know now,
Will do nothing to change the course of life.
Enjoy the ride,
Knowing it's all working out the way it's supposed to.

Another reason why people opt to not have children OR I amaze myself at my amount of patience

I love my child. I really do. The ability of said child to shock the hell out of me though is likely to do me in one day though.

When they are but babies, they do things that embarrass you. Each time feels like the end, but you adapt when they end up doing something else just as horrifing. People (like me..even though I am much better now) who embarrass easy have a very hard time with this.

Today, I was made speechless by the actions of the child. Horrified...mortified...yeah, those are some good adjectives. Angry beyond belief is also a good turn of phrase.

(This is where the patience comes in.) Being who I am, the child knows when I am angry and generally, things are taken care of on the spot. But, when out in public, with friends or strangers around, I tend to..not so much have a weaker side, but a more quiet and internal thinking "I'll kill him when other people are not around." I don't yell or belittle in public. I try to take care of things in a...calm matter. I know this must make me look..weak?...not in control..to those watching. What they don't see is the control I have on my own actions. lol Besides, with so many strangers butting into people's lives and discipline, I could end up with cops being called. So I stay 'calm'. bah

Crappy/best thing is, he generally does not require me to have to do much in public. He knows how to behave and the only times we have trouble is homework and cleaning at home. That can be easily handled. Random displays of disrespect and stupidity though...oh that is a whole new world I do no wish to explore and I have been forced to acknowledge that world twice this year. Granted, he sort of explained a bit of one situation, so I won't kill him yet. He is after all my child and I love him. But I think after today, he may have an understanding that the calm mom might not always be there so he best not be stupid again.

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It's funny to this Libra mind
How things will end up balancing
And turn out right in time.
Sirenity seems to always find it's place
In my mind and on my face.
The quietness will once again reside inside
As the logic equals itself to the emotion.
It only takes a few words to let it begin.
Only a few actions to let the balance win.

The thing about chili...

..is that its good. Especially on days that are sorta cold and cloudy. It is also best shared with friends. I have always enjoyed cooking for friends. There is some amount of excitment and anxiety when creating a meal for others...others being non-relatives. Knocking on wood, I don't think I have ever served a meal that was...un-edible? lol I kind of want to keep it that way too. Today I made chili for some friends, and possibly enough for the rest of my family for tomorrow. Each time I make it, I make it a bit differently. It all depends on my mood and what I want the chili to look like. lol Yes, aestetics count. One can't always follow a reciepe, and for chili I rarely do. Thankfully, people can eat it still. lol

Between working, watching KU lose, naping and my friends, I almost didn't write the daily poem. I did however, and geeze if I don't think it sounds somewhat corny. But eh, that was what the point of this goal was anyway, to learn from what I have done. :)

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Friends and food and laughter
The joys of being with those we enjoy
The coming together and sharing
The surprising of others with favorite goodies
Can not be compaired to anything in the world
Being accepted by our friends
Brings happiness
And feelings to be repeated.

Too much tea makes you...

Shake. I bet you thought I was going to say something else...well that is true too. However, I think my one meal today that was accompanied by my first two Cokes in over a week along with two pots of black tea, I've been a bit shakey. Wired you might say. So much so, that on a Friday night, I opted to clean instead of anything else. Go figure. Yup, that's all I'm thinking.
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The distant clouds, grey against my sky of blue
Show a distinct line running North and South
I have no way of knowing if they will pass on by
Or move to come where I live
The winds are ever changing and show no answers
I have no control over them,
I can only watch, knowing that they are there
And that with a strong wind, they will enter my life.
I'm not sure what the clouds would bring
A simple rain that brings everything to life
Or a cold driving downpour that forces everyone inside

Bowling is a fickle friend

I love bowling, I really do, but it is such a fickle friend. I've been bowling for years. Yup, I am one of those kids that woke up early on Saturday to go bowl on a youth league. I loved it. I loved winning more. When I went to college I joined the university's team and bowled with them on the collegiate circuit for four years.
Then I stopped for a couple years. I became sick of it. I was tired of one game being perfect, and the next, after your lane conditions broke down, barely breaking your average. I couldn't give it up forever though, so I've been bowling with some women for a few years now on a women's league. I often referr to this league as the 'old bitties'. If it weren't for my teammates, I wouldn't bowl with these women., but bah, over all I enjoy it. lol
hmmm, random tanget writing tonight...I may just go with it. lol Bare with me. :)
Last night I thought after the first frame it would be a horrible game...but I ended up bowling a 212, which is pretty good. I was really happy about it. Then my track (this is where I had been laying the ball the first game and where it rolled to find the pocket (that is the ideal spot for a stricke)) started breaking down and I consistantly left at least one pin everytime. SOOOO frustrating. But I still managed to break my average.
The last game. Ugh, it was like a different night. I couldn't pick up any spares, and maybe one strike. Didn't hit my average at all. Very disappointing. But that is bowling. Its what one should expect. lol
I tried to write a poem there about bowling...but I think it's pretty bad. lol Maybe I'll share it anyway.
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Searching for emotion, in an emotionless situation
Can anything really be void?
Ah, a smile....a grimace...
The emotion is there in the people
Not what one expects...
(lol told you it wasn't great!)


The poems of yesterday
Tell the story of what lead to today
The heartache, the joy, the love, the hate
Hopes of happiness to come
Realizations come too late
Fears of dreams that won't be achieved
Feelings that seemed so real and true
And believed that they would never fade
or be forgotten.

Too much noise in the silence

When I have my chances to sit and compose, so many thoughts hit me all at once, and it becomes so difficult to choose what to settle on. I've tried music before, and depending on the type, it helps me along. Lately however I find myself listening to all the lyrics and trying to figure them out instead of focusing. Go figure.

Silence is like white sometimes I think. White is the reflection of all colors. Silence is the reflection of too much internal noise.

I have been doing sorta poorly on my daily goals for my book, so I plan to make up for it on Saturday and Sunday. So far no real plans to do anything with friends. There was a mention doing something Saturday...but I don't think I was taken seriously, so no plans probably. lol So I hope its a nice sunny day so I can open the blinds and watch the trees. That always seems to calm my mind and allow the creativity to flow.

Besides that, I need to make sure the child studies his spelling tomorrow since he came up with a creative reason for not doing so today. But he'll "study in the morning instead of watching tv." Right.
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The song is on constent play in my mind.
Until I have every word seared behind my eyes
I don't think it will go away.
I begin to think I have a plan
But the plan is just a verse from the song.
I think I am starting to feel a certain way
But the emotion is being fed from the song.
I try to pause the tune playing over and over.
I try to cover the sound with real music.
But as I lay quietly, trying to sleep,
the words and music
repeat like a message.

If nothing else, I was at least able to breath through my nose at some point today

What I'm thinking tonight is that I should have listened to some friends or heck, even followed my own advice. lol But that is neither here nor there and not worth the time it takes to write about it.
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I hate it when I feel like I am being a hypocrite. I have been reading a political book, and honestly, I find that I agree with lots of it and find myself going 'ooooooo' in an angry voice when I see something the 'other party' did. Yet when I have read the other party's books, I wear an air of distrust and roll my eyes. Granted, I don't take everything either book says as truth, that is why I read both sides. But, how can I ask other's to listen to both sides, when I myself have a hard time stomaching what I believe to be utter nonsense?

On a completely different note, I am glad I haven't read The Stand in a while. The last time I read that book, right after everyone started getting sick and a small part of me became paranoid. lol I know so many people right now that are sick, I would probably try and hide...or start heading for Colorado.
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So empty, but so complete.
One can't help but look up
When the white glow is cast
On the tops of the trees.
So bright up in the sky
But hiding half it's world,
Like so many hide half their souls.
One becomes dazed when eyes
Hit the bright reflective light
Capturing the imagination in it's natural pull.

Life's funny little puzzle pieces

I can feel the clicking of things into place. Locking them there forever. This saddens, relieves, and scares me all at once. No matter how much I look ahead or let go, there are always parts that will say 'what if'. Knowing my history for making the wrong decisions and 20/20 hindsight, I of course have reason to worry.
Things do always have a way of working out though. One of these days I am going to learn to accept that fact and not get hung up on things.All is for the best though. What is supposed to be, will be, with no meddling on my part. :) I have no reasons to not be happy really.
With so many things going on around me with friends and family I realized that its so easy to tell a friend what to do; but so much harder to follow that same advice. I have never understood that. I think, if I let it, it will annoy me, because I know some friends have offered me some sound advice in the past that I have ignored. lol
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The creative me wasn't very cheery today. Not sure why, I wasn't in a bad mood...well, I was sick. lol

Looking out from my eyes
I don't seem the same as I do to you.
Internally, I know my flaws,
But the day to day wipes them away.
I'm looking at myself through your eyes now though
How can I be found so lacking?
Can I excuse your inablity to see past my flaws?
Would I be able to see past them where I you?
If only you could judge me on the way I want to be.
How I picture myself.
Then maybe I wouldn't be so distraught
Over what I see reflected in your eyes.

The straw has already broken the back of that camel

Last Saturday I found some news out about my job. Long and short of it, I find it very insulting to me and what I do there. Its been hard to want to go in and do a good job. Ok, not really, because I like doing a good job, and even when I try not to care about what's going on I do, but that is hardly the point. The point is I WANT to not work hard and do a good job at the moment. After finding out the news, it felt like a fire had been set on the bridge and I needed to get moving to the other side before I get trapped.

So I settled down with some tea and made a list of all the things I am good at, or at least enjoy doing. Why a list? Because, I can't decide what I want to do. I am already working on one possible paid profession that I do enjoy, but until I get published, it does no good for the bills. lol My list fills an entire page (everyone's should I guess), but there is no real coherence. What occupation needs someone who enjoys sleeping AND Russian Folklore? lol

In writing my list I was pretty thoughtful of things that I used to do or was interested in. A few of those would help me in looking, but does require me to brush up on some studies..or start studying fresh. I enjoy learning though, so this really isn't a problem. Its the knowing where to start. I think I may have some friends that can help me in some of these areas though.

One friend seems to think, after I listed off some, that I should create songs and music that teaches politcs to children. :) lol I think I should work on that...and maybe make some advanced ones for adults.
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My ultimate plan is to eventually move all my writing to another blog...I think. For now, however, I am going to leave it on here. I used to write poetry every day, and then it became fewer and farther between for the inspiration. I think it will be easier..and start to sound better, if I try to write one everyday. I hope this doesn't make them sound forced.

The wind immediatly stirred the loose ends of my hair
The once contained lengths covering my eyes and mouth
The cool air was tinged with the smell of the fresh rain
A deep breath through my nose filled my lungs with the energy of the exiting storm
Closing my eyes I could feel the light and shadows from the passing clouds
The warmth and chill so oddly relaxing
The trees were still swaying with the wind creating a simple rhythm
These moments never seem to last long enough

The goals are the beginning

Years ago I started a blog, and then for reasons unknow, I stopped. Open, public honesty sometimes can make a person stop being so honest. Blogs have that tendency to make you rethink everything. To take stock of what you are feeling and then that nervousness of knowing others will soon know what you are feeling too. Of course, in that, there is a freedom in sharing. For that reason, I am moving past my semi-private blog that I have on another website, and going public again. This was one of my goals for 2009. Not resolution. Goal.


So today I created it. I flipped on what the content would be more than once, but see no reason at the present to create two more blogs. So this will vary between the randomness and "I can't make this sh*t up" of my life and my writing.


I sat down on Sunday and made a list of goals for this year. 2008 was not a pleasant year for me for many reasons, so my desire to make it better is assured. These are things to make my life better. To help me find my center. To help me move past the bad. To try something new. lol And to stop procrastinating.


The best goal I have is "enjoy life!" I totally plan to do that..if only I won't stop myself first!

Creative time:

Like an unwelcome friend
It comes to me again and again.
Just when I believe it's been shaken
There it is, to cloud and muggle up my day
Confusion perches to the outside
Accepting any way into my life
Not allowing me the peace I so desire
And deserve.

Understanding and admitting aren't always the same

Understanding and admitting doesn't mean acceptance

Understanding why someone is how are they are

Makes that reality no different

Admitting to yourself what you feel and what you need to do

Makes the act no easier to complete

Acceptance can be the cruelest and longest road

A soul has to travel

And it can only be travled alone.

"Just enjoy the tea!" She screamed in her head

As the thoughts of the day swirled and settled

In her mind like the leaves in the hot liquid

The soothing liquie hitting her lips only brought

More jumbled thoughts and regrets

She longed for her mind to be silent and empty

Like the cup before her