Ella Wheeler Wilcox had it right

Ella Wheeler Wilcox (11/5/1855-10/30/1919) wrote a poem called Solitude many years ago. I think I learned it somewhere towards the end of grade school along with other wonderful poems thanks to my sister sharing a book with me. I used to have this poem memorized along with a few others. Solitude is only 24 lines long, but it speaks of a universal truth. Misery may love company, but company doesn't want to be around your misery. I've never really had this truth proved false.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you;

Weep, and you weep alone.

For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,

But has trouble enough of its own.

Sing, and the hills will answer;

Sigh, it is lost on the air.

The echoes bound to a joyful sound,

But shrink from a voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek you;

Grieve, and they turn and go.

They want full measure of all your pleasure,

But they do not need your woe.

Be glad, and your friends are many;

Be sad, and you lose them all.

There are not to decline your nectared wine,

But alone you must drink life's gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded;

Fast, and the world goes by.

Succeed and give, and it helps you live,

But no man can help you die.

There is room in the halls of pleasure

For a long and lordly train,

But one by one we must all file on

Through the narrow aisles of pain.

Its horrible being sad, and if you are sad, you know you are miserable to be around. People can only take it for so long before they are done with you and want someone happy and shiny and new. Its life. I don't deny anyone that feeling.

Its why last week it was somewhat easy to step back. I wasn't totally miserable or sad, but I could feel it. I could see a lot of things, and mainly, I could see the shit storm of my mind coming.

I know its my fault

I am fully aware and take responsibility for the choices I made 12 years ago. I understand how that has impacted my life. Yet at the same time, damn it, I am a smart fucking person. There is no reason I shouldn't be able to get a job the (OMG!) I like AND that pays me well! There is no reason with my degree I shouldn't be able to pay off my student loans. And I should be able to once in a while go its just not fucking fair. People who didn't have the situations I had, who, in my opinion have/had it easier have it lucky. I can't help but think about how different things would be if I hadn't had to turn down the internships in D.C. If I had been able to immediately go on to Grad school.

I'm in sort of a pissy mood right now because I am tired of being pushed into corners. I am tired of feeling lame if I don't spend money. I am tired of not being able to spend money. I am just tired of a lot of shit. Its ridiculous. It passes. I try really hard to not let money get to me. And honestly, its not as bad now as it could be or the worse its ever been. I have some money in the bank...just not enough. Its never effing enough for the needs, let alone the wants. And today I am pissy about it. Today I am crying unfair on my life. I've worked to hard to just be where I am right now.