My year 'vacation'

You know how getting a vacation goes right? You get excited about it. You sort things out with work and family. You have money to spend. The beginning of the vacation is awesome. You are doing what you want...although there may be a few things you didn't *really* want to do, but it had to be done. You start running low on cash, so you start taking things easy. Spend time with friends & family at home. You still have time off, but funds are low. You start thinking about work again. You start at work again and everything feels weird and you are now working to pay for the vacation you thought was covered.

That, my friends, was my year. This, is also, my year end blog post wrap up. JOY!

This year started with a new job part time. I loved it. I was getting paid more than at my other job and working with people I liked. I, for the first time in years, had money to pay all my bills without worrying and some left over. My stress from my other job was cut in half. I was in a bubble of happiness.

The bubble had to pop though, as often things like that do. But I started a side business and only stayed at the 'bad place' half time. I was, I suppose in a state of denial of having to do more, because I didn't. I let the current of the world pull me along. I figured, I had been working since I was a Sophomore in high school, I deserved some down time.

Then, unexpectedly (and thankfully??), the job I had been at for 8 years, the job that all my friends told me I should quit, started going through financial problems and let me go.

So I went this from working two part time jobs everyday, to one part time job, to no job. It was a slow taper...but it still was a shock. Again, I have been working for businesses forever, this whole "don't have someplace to be everyday" threw me off...badly. More then I let on to friends. (I don't care what the economy is like, not having a job is still embarrassing.)

Thankfully, my time at my other job helped out when I applied for unemployment, so I was able to...coast?...for a month or so while I was uber picky about looking for a job.

I now have a job...and I took a big pay cut...and I am back to wondering how the heck to pay for things. Back and forth on the fact that I am over qualified for this job (mainly) that I am 'too old' to be starting at the bottom and the fact that I have a job at all and this job is in/related to a field that I love and have wanted to work in since I was 15. The 'vacation' is over. Hard reality gets to have it's place back in my life. woo hoo

I'm not saying this was a horrible year. I'm not saying that it was a great year. It was definably an odd year. One I made it through (few days shy, I know). I'd like to say I learned a lot...but nope. Well, I learned that my other job really did do more to me psychologically then I would like to admit and I really should have left it years ago, if only for some other crap job for a while. I hope next year, a bit more of my old self will come out.

That is my year 'vacation'. I am getting back into the habit of a job. Of all that it entails. woot!

You're so nice not to say so.

So I suppose I should say thank you to all my friends around me who haven't commented on what I am going to deem 'massive amounts of weight' the past 2-3 months. Granted I haven't stepped on the scale (haven't since August actually...), but I know. It kind of sneaked up on me actually. The past two weeks or so I've felt like the proverbial butterball turkey. Not a good feeling. Its funny too, because it's not as if I've stopped working out. I still do my yoga (although I haven't this week) and I still run and I still go to the gym. So...I don't get it. Well, I guess I do. Sitting at home all day for months in a row are bound to effect you right? Stupid snacks.

It's just not a place I want to be at. I miss where I was a few years ago (hell, a few months ago was better), I've made strides, but my damn emotional eating screws it up each time. So, it's time for a jump start. I know what is good for me and what is not. What my body will let me not have, and what it demands no MATTER WHAT (Coca-Cola! woot!). I'm hoping that now that this week is over, I can get on it for at least a week or so. Get me back to eating right....

Cleansing diets are harder then Hell, but they are so good for you...well me anyway. So, next week I begin. ~I'm not going to be strict about it this weekend because I have two luncheon parties to go to (one on Saturday and one on Sunday). There is always a reason to not start up, but they are short periods. (rationalizing)

So Monday no: meat (some chicken is ok), seafood, wheat, flour, corn, carrots, potatoes, vinegar, sugar, fruits, dairy, extra caffeine beyond one Coke, no alcohol. Yes to: tuna, nuts, veggies, fish (not going to happen), eggs, water....some more water....and water. lol

There's more to it, but that is it. I am sure, due to $ there are some areas in which I will have to fail at for a bit...or just starve myself? lol but I am guessing that is a bad idea so.....

I generally don't talk about this with people in general. I might tell everyone I am working out or I am going to lose weight or something, but I don't say 'because I feel like size of 3 people,' which I currently do. Not sure how much more running I can add either. Or gym time. But its going to have to find a way for a while. Along with pilates, because I haven't done that in a long time...which may be why I think my body is much in the middle at the moment.

As always, I don't mind company sometimes when I work out. Sometimes I do, but having someone to check in with or be accountable to....it can be a good thing.

So, anyway....that is that. Not much I can do as I sit here at my desk, but get it out there. So be nice, I will be low on sugar. :p

Romance novels

If you are a female, chances are you have read one of these. Whether a 'simple' romance story, or one of the..."racier" kinds. I have been reading these books since I was in Jr High (if not earlier). I won't read 'modern' romances though, only historical. I have my reasons.

First, why did I start reading them? I was the youngest of four kids. My eldest sister was 8 years my senior and then it went down to 4 years with my other sister, also throw in my brother. I won't say that I really liked reading as a kid, but I did, and then I found that all the books I read only took a few hours, where it would take friends days. So, like any logical kid, I asked my siblings for something to read. From them I got sci-fi, some non-fiction, fantasy, and romance. So, I like all those types of books now. :)

One of my friends basically only reads romance novels (no, I won't call you out here lol) and she reads them all. It makes no difference to her. We will book swap every so often, but she now knows not to bother giving me current day/modern romance novels. I think I am a rare person in this, as most people don't care.

I think the reason I don't like them is, well, they are realistic enough to make the possibility of it sting. lol Historical romances always happen the same way, either they are both nobility, or one of them is, or someone is rich. There is some work and drive, but otherwise, its pretty dresses, dances, dinners, and romance. That stuff doesn't happen anymore. Well, not really.

Modern romances go with the day to day and then that added story line of 'yes, in today's world or craziness and work, you can have a romance story.' No, I not a skeptic, but seeing it in a 'this could happen to you' makes some of the aspects of my life not so happy to deal with. Again, with the historical, I have no illusions that those situations will happen to me. (One could wish, but reality is what it is.)

Beyond that, thy also don't have the background of society and rules and pretty dresses and chivalrous men. I like escaping into books, and if you are going to do that, might as well go as deep as you can.

Yup, that's today's post. lol What about you? Preference? Ever read them? Read them but end up skipping long parts of chapters like I do? lol :)

Trust

So many things pop into my mind when I thought of this topic. There is a good chance that this post is going to take a few twists and turns. I can't promise that it'll be a great post, but its about trust, so at least it will tell a story or two.

As I was working the other day, I made a form up for us to post. I worked it all up and then with clenched nerves, brought it in to be seen by the boss. See, for the past 7 years I did a majority of the flyers or signs or brochures at my other job. I enjoyed it, but I also had a boss that...well, didn't like anything. I was used to getting things back with random pen marks or the whole idea changed all together. Not a big deal, but that was how it worked. She made you feel stupid because she couldn't do it.

When I brought it in to my new boss the reactions was "wow! You went all out, that looks great." This wasn't a special sign, just a simple one. It'd been a long time since someone simply said, it looks good.

Lately I feel like I can sort of relate my reactions to my new job as you could someone who was abused for years. Even after the real threat is gone, the natural reaction is to be beat or yelled at. That's me. I keep waiting for it. Waiting for the crazy to come. My last boss told me that she didn't trust anyone, and she never would. No one could be trusted, no matter what w said or did. She never let you forget that she didn't trust you either. Yet, I can see that my new job, they trust you. They trusted me the first day. I had a key to the building, a building housing countless records and items and history, within 3 days. I never had a key to the other office.

Trust is a funny thing, when you don't have it for so long, it seems so weird when you do. It makes you gun shy. I can see now that the feeling of mistrust and fear, leaked into my whole life. When someone who you have given no reason to mistrust you, constantly tells you how they won't, it internally picks at you and, at least for me I see, makes you feel like less then a person.

I, myself, am a mixture of too trustworthy and not trusting enough. I used to just be the former. I was naive that way. "Thankfully" my ex, after another round of 'what the hell is going on' and something came up where I was mistrustful and kind of bitchy, cured me of that. At least he likes to take credit for it. He was proud that he was able to make me not so trusting and kind. (This should of been a big sign to avoid him at all costs.)

On the whole though, I do tend to trust before not. I'm not saying I would give you the keys to my house, but I would trust that you are a good human being and not a complete moron. I let people go up or down from there.

It could be stupid to trust people, but I can't see being a person who tells people 'I won't trust you ever' for no reason. Trust can be earned as well damn it.

I think trust is a good thing, and I try to keep that trust unless you have actually done something to lose it. I like to think on a whole I pick good people to hang out with. Flaws and all.

You may be deceived if you trust too much,

but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough.

~Frank Crane

Book or a movie???

I have to be at work before the time I normally wake up tomorrow, so this post is going to be a little easy. :)

A few days ago a friend posted this on her blog. (I would totally link it, but I know for a while she wasn't promoting her blog, and whereas I think that has changed, I don't want to do so if she is still.) I thought it was interesting. Think the BBC confused groups of books with single books, but eh. lol

My biggest problem when looking through this was trying to decide if I had really read the book or simply seen it as a movie. lol Both for many of them. Crazy think is that a lot of the long ones I read for pleasure, not for school or anything. lol

How's your book score on this? Anything you think should be on there? Its missing all David Eddings, RR Martin and RAA Salvatore, but I guess I understand.

The BBC believes most people will have read only 6 of the 100 books listed here."

Instructions:

Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen
The Lord of the Rings – JRR Tolkien
Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte
Harry Potter series – JK Rowling
To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee
The King James Bible
Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte
Nineteen Eighty Four (1984) – George Orwell
His Dark Materials – Philip Pullman
Great Expectations – Charles Dickens
Little Women – Louisa M Alcott
Tess of the D’Urbervilles – Thomas Hardy
Catch 22 – Joseph Heller
Complete Works of Shakespeare
Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier
The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien
Birdsong – Sebastian Faulk
Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger
The Time Traveler’s Wife – Audrey Niffenegger
Middlemarch – George Eliot
Gone With The Wind – Margaret Mitchell
The Great Gatsby – F. Scott Fitzgerald
War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams
Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh
Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck
Alice in Wonderland – Lewis Carroll
The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahame
Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy
David Copperfield – Charles Dickens
Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis
Emma -Jane Austen
Persuasion – Jane Austen
The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe – CS Lewis
The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini
Captain Corelli’s Mandolin – Louis De Bernieres
Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden
Winnie the Pooh – A.A. Milne
Animal Farm – George Orwell
The DaVinci Code – Dan Brown
One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
A Prayer for Owen Meaney – John Irving
The Woman in White – Wilkie Collins
Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery
Far From The Madding Crowd – Thomas Hardy
The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood
Lord of the Flies – William Golding
Atonement – Ian McEwan
Life of Pi – Yann Martel
Dune – Frank Herbert
Cold Comfort Farm – Stella Gibbons
Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen
A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth
The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon
A Tale Of Two Cities – Charles Dickens
Brave New World – Aldous Huxley
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time – Mark Haddon
Love In The Time Of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck
Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov
The Secret History – Donna Tartt
The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold
Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas
On The Road – Jack Kerouac
Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy
Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding
Midnight’s Children – Salman Rushdie
Moby Dick – Herman Melville
Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens
Dracula – Bram Stoker
The Secret Garden – Frances Hodgson Burnett
Notes From A Small Island – Bill Bryson
Ulysses – James Joyce
The Inferno – Dante
Swallows and Amazons – Arthur Ransome
Germinal – Emile Zola
Vanity Fair – William Makepeace Thackeray
Possession – AS Byatt
Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens
Cloud Atlas – David Mitchell
The Color Purple – Alice Walker
The Remains of the Day – Kazuo Ishiguro
Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert
A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry
Charlotte’s Web – E.B. White
The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom
Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton
Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad
The Little Prince – Antoine De Saint-Exupery
The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks
Watership Down – Richard Adams
A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole
A Town Like Alice – Nevil Shute
The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas
Hamlet – William Shakespeare
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Roald Dahl
Les Miserables – Victor Hugo

Awkward? Yes.

So I thought I pressed post yesterday on this, guess not. Bah, that's twice. Anyway, take this as Saturday's post, as that is when I wrote it.

Today I took the boy and one of his friends to see Harry Potter. I thought this was brave on my part since they are both eleven. lol However, it went fine. No crazy shinaningans before or during the movie. A bit of talking, but not too bad.

After the movie I HAD to get gas, so drove over to the closest one. It's not my place of choice so I was only getting a few gallons. As I was putting the gas in, the boy's friend went inside to go to the bathroom. (Why he couldn't go at the theater while they were waiting on *me* in the bathroom, I have no idea.)

When he came out he was saying how we'd never guess what was over the toilet. He whispered, the boy started laughing. I wasn't sure what could be so strange in a men's room, but who knows right? He was saying how weird it was and (big laugh here) there were 5 different kinds. When he said there was even a glow in the dark, I knew. Condoms. Of course...and OH MY GOD MY SON AND HIS FRIEND ARE TALKING (GIGGLING) ABOUT CONDOMS IN THE CAR WITH ME!!

They found it totally gross and surprising that they would be in the bathroom..and for only $0.75 too. "Those are usually by the register." I really wanted to say something, but this was also someone else's kid, how do I know what they would or would not want him to know?

I was having a bit of a hard time not laughing at this situation, but when the friend focused on the fact that there were glow in the dark and "why, what would be the point, that doesn't make sense," I almost had to pull the car over or something. The boy was just giggling and saying yeah. "That's just wrong and why would you do that, its wasted." ....the latter isn't verbatim, but something along those lines.

I was never more grateful for a topic change then I was today. Five minutes of this subtle, but not directly saying anything was weird. I figure that maybe I should have said *something* but I have no idea what it would have been. I guess I figured letting them get it out was my way of saying condoms aren't bad? Or it could of been my COMPLETE mortification that the conversation was happening at all.

The trip back home

The trip back from my sister's place to mine held the following things: A well thought out blog that I couldn't write down (because I was driving) or record to write later (because my family was in the car), surprisingly few flare up arguments with my mother, plans in my mind to drive down that highway at my own pace someday taking pictures of the old farmhouses, and the realization that I left my pillow and migraine pillow back at my sister's (3 hours away).

I have snippets of the blog in my mind, but I don't have time to write it all out tonight. So, I am not all that concerned about that. What I am most concerned with is my pillow. Primarily, the migraine pillow. I have back up pillows I can sleep on, but I don't have any other migraine pillows, so I have to hope I don't get a migraine until I am able to get that pillow back. It helps me greatly and has eliminated some before they got bad. It might be a total mental thing but...ugh, I just want my pillow. :(

Thankful

I never tire of writing this blog. Its my yearly "I'm Grateful" post. Each year, you should be able to find something to be grateful for, and I think that sometimes, when you sit down to think about it, you find that you have more then you thought.

This year has been a tricky one. It started out with a part time awesome job with awesome people. Still part time in the job from hell. Job from hell grew worse, other job fell through. Started my own business selling at farmers markets. Lost my part time job at the place I had been at for over 7 years due to the economy. Was unemployed for months. Found a job that is in the area of my field of study, and whereas right now its not what I want to be doing, it has to opportunity for me to be doing those things.

So I am grateful that I am finally out of the job that has made me so miserable for so many years.

I am thankful my friends supported me and were happy for my escape.

I am thankful for my new friends this year. They have brought fun to my life and comfort. I appreciate the new things they bring to my life.

I am thankful for friends that I have had for years. You've stayed with me. You make me happy.

I am thankful for my friends that understand I go through cycles of in and out of wanting to be social/loner/need to see everyone every day. I can be difficult without meaning too. (Guess we all can.) Thank you for understanding I am human.

I am thankful for people that read this blog. There are a few regulars, and its nice to know someone out there I don't *know* reads my drivel, and feels it is worth their time. Thank you.

I am thankful for my family. I am glad I got to see some distant relatives, reconnect with others, and remain close to others. I love my family...no matter if they drive me crazy at some times. :)

I am thankful I have been able to put food on the table and pay my bills (as regularly as I can lol). I think at this point in time, that's all I can ask for right?

I'm thankful that my family and myself has stayed relatively healthy and safe.

I am thankful that I am still well enough to go running with people and play volleyball with people and go camping/floating.

I am thankful so many of my friends found happiness with something this year.

I'm thankful I am able to write and read and think. Its things people take for granted sometimes I think.

I'm thankful that I get to go to sleep tonight and not wake up overly early tomorrow. Fingers crossed to maybe...oh...9? Noon would be awesome, but I don't think that would ever happen. lol

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and that you can find your things to be thankful for too.

Loyalty

I waited a while to write this. Still not sure if I should, but its been bugging me for months, so here goes.Friday I will talk about trust. Loyalty, its a strong thing. I may not give strong loyalty to you or a job right away, but if I know you for more then a few days, chances are you have earned it from me. It could simply be that I believe that if I am loyal to something, they will be loyal back to me. It seems logical in my mind. ....Just not in others.

If I have invested myself in something, I'm loyal to it. I don't like to quit things. I don't like to give up. This is why I stayed at my past job for so long. It wasn't because it was such an awesome place to work. It wasn't because they were always so nice to their employees. It was because I had built up a loyalty to them. At times, even a blind loyalty.

If something needed to be done that wasn't in the norm, I would do it. If something needed to be learned, I learned it. Generally off the clock. I wanted to be better at my job, not just for me, but so I could make the place better as a whole. I did my job. I wanted to do it well. I wanted to help the office as much as I could in many areas.

There were years when they were transition years, where everyone seemed to move away and we would have to build the staff back up from scratch. Those were the times I so wanted to leave. Couldn't see why I would stay....but the reason was, I was loyal. I didn't want to abandon the office like that. I didn't want to abandon those other few employees that were there. So I stayed. I refer to those times when I was like a rat too stupid to get off a sinking ship.

As in any job, there are opportunities to ruin things. Or do the bare minimum because it won't matter if you do. But I didn't. I didn't try and do things on the sly. I was open about everything we did. I worked hard, even if I couldn't get *everything* done everyday. In the early years I would take things I couldn't finish home to do. I thought this was the better way so I could help people at work and not do the behind the scenes stuff there. I did that until one day the manager said in a condescending/bitchy voice 'well no one asked you to do that.' That would also be why I stopped creating manuals, fliers, brochures, and ordering things when/if I was home sick. There was never appreciation or loyalty to what I did.

People would always say that because I did such a good job that I didn't have to worry about things. I always told them they were wrong. That our boss felt everyone was dispensable. My job was never 'safe'. I never felt that. Ever.

That's the funny thing about my time there too. They never felt that loyalty towards even half the employees. If we ever did really well, they would find something to bitch about. They didn't seem to care if we were there, unless it made something difficult for them.

The place I started working is going to take some getting used to. They have loyalty. I can see that already. If I put my time in here, they aren't going to still treat me like some urchin that came off the street that they have to deal with because they need workers. I have seen that in how they treat the students, the people that have been here for a few years, months and weeks. My loyalty is easy to gain and hard to lose, and I feel like this time it is justified. That's so weird.....and totally awesome.

crazy day

So today started out as one of this days where you hit the snooze button, and as soon as you close your eyes it's already going back off. Rush, rush rush.
Work was a boring so I started thinking. I've been neglecting some friends, and I hate being the friend that does that. I need to fix it.
after that bout of whining, I found out my brother's cat had died. That cat was I think close to 20. I watched that cat every week for a few years. I loved that cat. So I got to deal with that as well.
thankfully there was a KU game to go to. The guys won so that made it better. 63 home game winning streak.
Now I am at the Sandbar enjoying a few drinks and watching the Duke-KState game. (hense the bad formatting)
Hope everyone else's day was better.

Opening up

I think we all have a secret or two that we don't want to share with new friends...or anyone. Be it something from your childhood or a past relationship. Its a secret because, even if it made us who we are, its embarrassing. Its nice to think that those bad things never happened to us. That our childhoods were always full of cool times and friends. That all relationships were good choices on our part.

I also think, that the part of us that holds these memories wants to share them. We want to tell someone the bad that was in our lives. The embarrassing. So we can maybe let it go and so we know there is someone out there we can trust.

In my mind, my ex was embarrassing. My only thought process in why I would date him was that I was somehow perpetually drunk for over 3 years. That has to be why I ignored all the stupidity and, well...stuff. I didn't talk about him to anyone. The people that knew him, knew him, but I didn't mention him to anyone else. I didn't talk about it.

Then a few years ago (insert crazy story here that I won't really get into) I became friends with his ex-fiancée (after we were no longer dating). Seeing as how we both had dated him, we could talk about him...and the things that we were thinking....and the embarrassment or regret. It wasn't that bad though. It was freeing to talk about it and not cringe inside. I still don't talk about him that much...no need to. Don't want to. I have found though, its not so embarrassing anymore.

As with so many things, I know that if I get it out. If I share it, it loses so much power over me. I think that holds true for many people. I just need that first person to let me open up about some things, so maybe I can finally let them go.

Saying goodbye is hard and sucks

I've never been good at goodbyes. Ever.

When I was very young, my family moved around a lot. If I am not mistaken, by the time I was 3, we had moved 6 times. Before the move to Joplin, my dad (via my mom) said no more for a while. (They moved a lot more than that before I was born.) So since they were building a store in Joplin, my dad was given it to run. We stayed in Joplin, in the same house, for almost all of my childhood. I think the fact that I had this home. This stability aided in me wanting to hold on to things. (It doesn't seem to plague my siblings, I believe its because they were just used to moving and giving things up all the time.)

My 6th grade year, my dad took a promotion and we moved to Tulsa, OK. I was not a happy person about this. We moved mid school year too. Hate is not too strong. I was miserable. My friends were far away. It wasn't too far from Joplin, but it was far enough. On top of that, my brother and oldest sister were still back in Joplin. For the first time in my life they weren't around me.

We moved back that summer. I was grateful...but then I had this new group of friends in Tulsa that I would miss. There was no internet social media to help us stay in touch, so all I have left of them all is memories.

After my freshman year of high school we moved to KS. I was a teenager and I was as moody as you can imagine over this. No way my friends would ever come up to visit me in my new place. And now my other sister wasn't going to be around as well. Just me and my parents. I lost touch with people I had known my whole life those next three years. People I had known since I was 4. Gone. Connections lost.

After graduating hs, I moved for college. I am still in the same town. People talk about how they find it annoying that old friends from hs find them on Facebook or whatever, but for me, my school was small. I knew everyone, and there was only one or two people I honestly couldn't stand. I am happy to have that connection there. I don't like to lose people.

Thing is, I have a really good memory for people (maybe not names). There are people I went to camp with in 4th grade that I still think about. The summer I was a camp counselor I made some of the best friends I may ever have. Due to distance and ease of contact, I don't know where any of them are now. Its partly my fault too. I can write people letters every other day, but I could never quite mail them. You would think it would be easier with email, but its not. I used to be a good pen pal, but somewhere along the line I lost it.

The place I live now is a college town. So since my first year here, I have had friends moving away. Every few years its like the town purges itself of all my close friends or people that I really enjoy being around. I hate that most of all. In my "old age" its killer. I want my friends around....and they are in another city, state, country. I'm usually very happy for them though, they leave for better jobs or a new family or furthering their school...but they are gone. And if I don't hang on to the small snippets I have of them, they will be just another person that touched my life, and has no idea I think about them every now and then.

About four years ago, it was really hard for me. EVERYONE moved. My close friends and co-workers all moved (and I mean like all, there was only 3 or 4 left out of 12!) Good friends I had made in college moved. A high school friend that had still been living here moved. A friend I had just reconnected with was moving to another state far way. I had maybe one or two friends that I was in weekly contact with left in town. I was miserable. I might as well have moved myself.

This year is shaping up that way, and I don't know how to deal with it. I have two friend that will be gone summerish (one of them already gone, but coming back every few weeks). I just found out that another group of friends will be moving first of January. Ok, so its not all my friends this time. Even if I do hear some of them talking about leaving town. But chunks of my life are moving away. It frightens me, because I don't want to lose touch with these people.

One of my friends (one that is now moved away) was talking to me years ago, how one of her friends was moving out of town and she didn't know what to do. If she spent a lot of time with her friend now, she would have all these memories, but it would be that much harder when she was gone. If she started avoiding her now, it would be easier when she was really gone. When she told me this I thought it was crazy. Why wouldn't you want to spend time with them? But then I found all my friends moving, and I understood. So I go through this each time I have some awareness that people are moving. Its a delicate line of spending good quality time with them....but not a quantity of time. It makes it hard. Idk.

I am not good with saying good bye to people. I hate it. Especially when they move far way, because who knows when/if I'll ever see them again, and that fear sucks most of all.

Thank you Trailhawks

All week long I thought about running on Saturday and Sunday. I wanted to run a few of the weekdays, but this or that stopped me....along with what I posted about a few days ago. Today was the second annual Sanders Saunter out at Clinton Lake. Its a 10k trail race. I had volunteered to help with it a month or so ago, knowing I wouldn't be prepared, or fast enough, or psyched internally enough for it. (NEXT YEAR!!!!) So today I woke up at some ungodly time to get dressed and head out there.

Getting dressed I put on layers, with the bottom layer being tights and a running long sleeved shirt. My thought was I would run after the race. In the back of my mind though, I kind of scoffed at the idea. I figured what I would *really* do is after the race, talk to people then decide it was late enough and then head home for a nap with the belief I would go back out later for a run. Seriously, this is how my mind works it out. This is the bane of my self sabotage.

When I got to the meeting place I didn't say anything about running later. I just waited around with others until it was time for me to take my place. As I sat there, I saw all the people coming in to sign up. I was somewhat impressed by how many. I've worked another trail race though, and I'd seen them all come before. Like that time I was a bit envious that they were running. ....Envious can't be the right word, but it'll do.

I took off for my spot about 20 min before the start. I wasn't that far into the trail, and as someone who's been walking/hiking that trail for years, I was comfortable with it. I had some alone time then, so I tried 'waking up' and did some yoga and stretches. Nothing too exciting. Then the race started, and I saw the group come by. Forty-seven souls passed me by. Seeing them all starting off was inspiring.

Being where I was, I got to see the runners at the start, after the first hard hill, almost done, and then last stretch. I saw all sorts of runners. All pushing through. In my mind, everyone else is a good runner (this is still the case), and since I generally end up running alone, I don't see the others walking, or the exhaustion on others. I see in my head non-stop running for everyone. Today I was able to see that taking it slow in parts was normal and still makes you an awesome runner. (That sounds weird to try and write, who knows if its coming across the way I mean it too.)

There was one woman running and this was her first trail race. I was so impressed by that. I guess everyone has to have a first race, but still. She wasn't in the front of the pack, but she kept going. Although I can tell by how long the race was, that she totally ran faster then me, kind of made me wonder why I didn't try.

After the race, I was still awake. (lol It could be because my system finally woke up while I was out directing traffic on the trail and so I had a few energy gummies.) The awards were given and I talked to a few people, but the fact that everyone ran so well was making me itch to go out.

Like I said before, I haven't run in weeks, so I figured I would do one mile. Maybe two. Take the blue out and white back. I know it well, its comfortable. But when I got to the first crossover trail, where I could continue out on blue or turn and go up the mound, I turned. I had thought about running the mound all morning (I'd also played host to the idea of trying to run the whole course, but I know better then to push my body like that without any preparation).

My pace was slow and steady. I kind of have it in my mind to keep one speed, no matter what I am running on. Its slow, but its consistent. (OK, on the rocky inclines I love to sprint up those, but that is not the point. lol) I made it to the mound and started up. I hate hills. I kept my pace though. Slow. I got to the top and heard voices behind me. My first thought was "geeze I was slow doing that. Pathetic, I should finish this mile and head in." (Yes, I am vicious with myself when running.) The voices were from two Trailhawks that were clearing the course. I was pacing a bit to get my breath back (I hadn't used the inhaler yet) and thinking how embarrassing. I started to head back towards the path when one of them said, "Good job going up the hill, you paced it well." Or something like that. All I know was, that those words crushed the ones in my head. No, I didn't suddenly think I was a rock star, but I thought, maybe I am not doing so bad for not running in a month, and I should shut the hell up.

I went back down the mound and on the way back I was thinking about what I would do. I mean, I hadn't run in weeks and I wasn't sure what my knee would be feeling like later, and the boy was at home, and it was getting warm, and I hadn't eaten...and then the crossover came up. I was tired from coming back up the hill.

I turned down the path away from the finish.

I thought about just going out a bit on the trail and then taking the turn that leads back to white. So only like another mile. I passed the turn and kept going. I got to the mile marker where I could turn back on white for the last mile or go out farther. I went out farther. I would of kept going farther but I wasn't sure where to go! lol So I ended up turning around after about a quarter of a mile or so on that path.

Overall, it was only like 3 and a half miles I ran today. But the thing is, its 2 and a half miles more then I had originally planned. And if felt great. I wasn't too tired and I was able to keep my breath and pace for most of it. I know, if it hadn't been for the Trailhawks and all the other runners on that course this morning, I would't have done that. It wasn't nearly as long or as fast as them, but it was something. For that I am grateful, even though you don't know it.

You are all awesome and I am lucky to know you. All the Trailhawks I've met have been inspiring and helpful and nice and encouraging. I should really stop letting my fears of not being as good go, because no one but me cares about it. They are that awesome. :) By your act of running, you helped me to run.

Thank you.

Fridays...UGH!!!

My plan was to write a blog this afternoon. I figured I would have time...but with little jobs here and there to do, it all slipped away. I then had a great evening by going to the KU Men's basketball game and then to dinner & sushi with friends. The time is now 2 to 12. Cripe. No time. This keeps happening on Fridays, I'm going to have to figure something out. At least for the rest of the month. Boo to me. Easy for you to read though!! :)

That its funny thing starting over

A few weeks ago, while I was running, I fell. It wasn't a horrible fall. It hurt, but I got back up and tried to keep going. My ankle hurt and I ended up walking back and not continuing on. This bothered me, because I don't really like quitting. ...and quitting is too easy to do. So my ankle was sore, but so was my knee. I figured no biggie, my knees always hurt...and they hurt more when I run.

Its embarrassing going down stairs because you can hear my knees crackling. Apparently it runs in the family, so I am hoping that I can stay active enough to last me a while, because it looks like my knees will not want to move later on. ANYWAY>>>>

My knee was killing me. Despite the embarrassment of falling and already being a slow slow runner I wanted to go back. My knee however was not even wanting to move half the time. Throbbing pain is not my friend. So I took the week off. Then the next week came, it felt better, but schedules got in the way. Inactivity didn't help my knee. It didn't make it worse, but it made me lazy. So I am going on almost 3/4 weeks of not running. And I really, really want to go. I want to try out my new jacket. I want to get better. I miss the trails.

But, since so much time has passed, it'll be like starting over again. I so am not looking forward to that at all, and its hard to get over. Its easy to find excuses when you know you aren't going to be good at something. I know I can't run tomorrow, but by God, I better on Saturday and Sunday. Knee and weather be damned!!!

Five min to go!

I almost forgot today! I went to see the KU Women's basketball game unexpectedly tonight. Threw off my plans. This is ok though. I should have gone on to the gym, but ended up getting sick when I got home. Its like things are conspiring against me! lol So one more time, I will say "tomorrow" and then I will get things done like I want. Right? right. :)

What flirting means

This article was on the KU website this week. It showed up on Monday, I read it, and then took the quiz to find out what kind of flirt I am. Yes, it sounds silly...or just stupid. In some ways it was interesting though. ...and not just because someone has actually made it their life's work to figure out the mystery of flirting.

Jeffrey Hall, assistant professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas, had broken flirting types down to five ways: physical, traditional, polite, sincere and playful. From there he has studied what kind of relationships these types of flirts have. I'm not going to lie when I say that I was shocked at him saying that those who are more physical flirts have longer, better relationships. I mean, some of what he says makes sense but....really?

I'm not really going to go into what kind the quiz said I was (it wasn't what I thought would come out of it at all honestly). I will say though, based on what he says, maybe that's why I am how I am. lol I mean, we have our ways of perceiving the world. Our boundaries. What we consider ok and socially fine. We have those habits that we don't notice all the time.

Who would of thought that something so simple in the interaction of two people could determine if that person is going to be able to be in a relationship and for how long. This isn't one of those Facebook "what kind of flirt are you" quizzes either. Or maybe it is, and maybe like other things, I just have thought about it too much. Not like I can change some things about myself. (Yes, I can change some things, I know.)

I don't know, it just makes me think. ...and that is what Caroline's been thinking.

Late night loves

When I was in college I worked for a pizza place. Generally I would make it home by 4:30/5am on a good day. Despite being exhausted (and needing sleep so I could go to class by 11) I would chill out in the living room for a bit to decompress. I'd plop on the couch and turn on the TV and flip. At that time (both in regards to the time of day and the year) MTV would still play videos. Just for a few hours. For about two weeks straight, every time I watched, Radiohead's Paranoid Android would play. I had not really listened to Radiohead before. I mean, I am sure I heard their music, but didn't know it. After the first week it grew on me. The second week I longed to hear it when i got home. Then I bought the album. ...and listened to it over and over again.

Would I have liked the song if I hadn't heard it at that time of day? Chances are I might of liked it, or tolerated it. After all, many fans of Radiohead aren't big fans of that album. I, however, love it. I still stop my world when that song comes on. I still can see the poorly animated video.

Same goes with infomercials. If I saw one during the day, utter crap. I laugh and turn the channel. In the early morning darkness however, its mesmerizing. You (others have attested to this, so broad for everyone) find yourself watching it...and wondering if you should actually spend $20 on such an ingenious product. I only fell for it once though, but who does't love Richard Simmons?!?

So I wonder, if I love some things more because they came to me at night. When my mind was in whatever state of...mind? I have found that things I encounter at night. Things I discover later. These are things that stick with me. That I let become a part of me...or I have more tolerance for. Maybe its due to being susceptible to suggestion at that time...but I have night friends too, so seems a bit off to say that. lol

calling it in

Literally on my pdhone. I noticed when I got home last night that my post never went through for Saturday, so I'll need to look that all up later. Currently at a concert. so this will be short. but its done! woot

always forgetting!!

Most important thing right now, I am FREEZING. I say that only because my nose is cold. I do not like my nose being cold. Second important thing is that I am exhausted. I am ready to sleep and sleep in. I NEED to sleep. Third most important thing, I had the perfect blog today. I had it thought out. It was something that was going to flow wonderfully AND it was interesting.

I promptly forgot it when someone at work asked me a question before I could write it down. I can't for the life of me figure out what it was now and its killing me. I loved it. I know did. FRUSTRATING!!!!

My own personal archives

I haven't used (seen) my social security card in years. Its in my house somewhere, but since it is not something I use, I just don't know where it's living at the moment. I started a new job this week, and figured it wouldn't be too much of an issue. For I-9 forms you can use different forms of identification, and I had those. No biggie right? Nope, the main organization I work for requires your ssc. You have to show it to them. So flipping weird. On Tuesday I began my quest to find my card.

Its funny when you are looking for something how you can picture where it is in your mind. I pictured it with these papers, and then in that drawer, and then in that cup with the photos. I could see it so clearly in all these places. The reason I saw it in so many places though, was because it wasn't in any of them and I had to try and figure out where else it could be. I tore through everything in my house. I went out the the garage and pulled boxes off of shelves. I emptied out desk drawers. I spread stacks of papers franticly all over the floor in almost every room of the house.

I couldn't find it. (The card isn't the main part of the story, but I will say I never found it, I ended up going to the Social Security Administration to get a new one and thankfully they were able to give me a proof of card number so I could get entered in the work system and get paid!)

The funny thing about going through all these files was that I had some from 1995. 1995! I think I had some older if I really think about it. You could look through these papers and see my life. You could see what I was doing. Who I was hanging out with. Where I was working. Part of me thinks this is awesome, and that I should just stack them all back up and put them back in their homes of boxes or drawers. Another part of me is thinking I should either put it all in a fire or trash bag. Why do I need it all after all? Who cares about this stuff other then me?

At my new job we have the archives of a member of Congress. These archives include all correspondence, gifts, books, photos and all sorts of miscellaneous items. These are being studied to track his life. Its amazing to get to see this person's life from beginning to now. This is where I have to stop though, because this person made a huge difference in the world. This person's past can teach us about policy and collaboration and perseverance.

My papers not so much. Its a little sad really, but, I can hear some people screaming now "THROW IT OUT THROW IT OUT THROW IT OUT!!" I probably will, don't worry...but don't be surprised if I am stuck in my own little world of the past this weekend while I look through what to toss. ...and if I do decide to burn it, you are all invited to watch...and roast marshmallows. lol

What

What do you want when you look out your door? What are you expecting? What were you hoping for? What do you want?

What do you really think will happen if you say A instead of B? What would happen if you did the things you wanted to do?

What would you really feel if people did the things you want them to? What is stopping you from doing all that you really want?

What would you do if things went your way?

What do you hope for when you wake up in the morning?

What do you expect to happen? Seriously? What do you expect when you knew what would happen all along? Can you really be upset or surprised?

What will you do now?

so tired

Its mainly annoying right now more than anything really. I am just tired. This weekend was great, but it wore me out. I didn't get the sleep I wanted Sunday night, so I am still behind on sleep. Its only Tuesday and I am behind on sleep. No idea how I am going to make it through the week. This morning, I think I scared myself when I woke up. A nap. I want a nap. I want to go to sleep early, but my body keeps saying screw you on that one. Early to sleep I am not. I just need to make it through this week. I know I can do it. Ugh. That thirty minutes makes a big difference in the morning.

I am keeping up with my yoga each morning, and I think that may be helping. I hope that I can work up the ability to go run tomorrow. I missed it on Monday, and its going to be rough enough as it it, I can't put it off. I am sure I will be running by myself in the dark, no one wants to run my slow speed, and that is ok, I don't want to slow people down either. I am just hoping I don't fall on my ass out on the trail and hurt myself...or fall asleep there. lol

Great, I'm rambling. Sorry folks, I am sure one of these posts is going to turn out interesting.

Too many ideas

My mom was really good (most the time) at making a calender of meals. She would write down what she would make every day of the week, sometimes of the whole month. She would even schedule in eating out. I understand why she did it, she had a family of six and you can't go all willy nilly at the grocery store when trying to feed everyone. Every so often I get the urge to do the same. I mean, they say if you plan out your meals you are more likely to stick to them and save money and eat better.

Yesterday, in an attempt to start my week off well, I sat down with a cook book or two...or four...and started looking through them for meals I could make when I got home from work or that I could make ahead of time. I got out a white board to write each day down and then I got some paper to write down the groceries I would need. All seemed fine till I actually started looking for meals.

See, when you have over 20 cookbooks like I do, its very easy to get distracted and pick five things before you even get to the second chapter of the book. So I had grabbed only five books. A 29min meal cookbook, a pasta everyday, a quick and easy Betty Crocker, eat right for the blood type and a Coca-Cola cook book. I thought, one from each. I was wrong.

So I thought I would be smart and pass this task of picking to the boy. Let him be involved since he would be eating it anyway. He didn't do much better then me unfortunately. So I wrote down a bunch of ingredients to get, the pages and meal names and then did nothing. I no longer had time to go to the grocery store. I no longer wanted to get so many ingredients, and then I realized that I wouldn't be able to cook two of the nights anyway!

I tried inviting a friend over for dinner one of the nights, figured that would at least lock in that day, but they never responded, so I am guessing that meal plan sounds bad. lol So I am scrapping it too.

What I think I will have to do is take this week to work it out. Plan it. Schedule my next week. Write it all up. Shop Saturday and then viola, I will have a planned week of meals for the days I am home...and maybe for lunches too.

I wish I had the money AND time (see that catch at the beginning? lol) to just cook a meal from all my cookbooks all the time. Get through them all. ....Hmmm, actually, that might be my new plan. Yes, you saw it as it came to mind. I'm not doing a Julie/Julia thing. Look up there in that paragraph, I have a Coca-Cola cookbook, these aren't spiffy things.

Ok, so starting next week I am going to pick 5 cookbooks and make one meal from each, then do the same the next week and so on until I have gotten trough all my cookbooks, then start again. I would guess this may take a year or two...or three. I think I'll invite people to join me once a week too. Maybe I'll post the week's menu somewhere and my friends can let me know. It'll be easier on my mind that way, because some of these meals are not for just two people. This could be really fun. :) lol

Ok, well, I know I haven't been writing any poetry, I'll try to start working on that tomorrow. For tonight however, I am done. As I was leaving work my boss made it sound like I will have to be in about 40 earlier then what we had previously discussed. This makes it VERY early for me and since I couldn't get to sleep early last night, I was stressed all day and I had a migraine already, I should get to bed 'early' tonight. woot

ACK!!!

I start a new path tomorrow. I am so very excited for it. And terrified of it. It seems so totally surreal. As if its really not going to happen. ....But I don't have everything I wanted to have done before tomorrow done yet, so of course it will happen. lol

There is lots to write about. There are two blogs still in my edit box. I missed yesterday's post...but ya know, I am going to call today anyway. There is still a massive amount of laundry to put away, nails to fix, showers to take, and nerves to calm. I would probably be worse off if friends hadn't texted and wished me luck or sent me wishes on one of my social pages. I think my conversation with my brother calmed me the most. (I like to pretend his cats have parties when he travels, apparently one of the couch surfers has been hanging around waiting for the next party, but he's not going anywhere till next year. ...This conversation was better before I explained it. lol Sorry.)

I feel lucky. Rushed, nervous, unprepared, but lucky. Kind of wish I had someone here tonight but, eh, such is life, and for what it is, its good. :)

Hope and quick

I had a lot of blogs. Many ideas for these blogs. These blogs are both plotted out, however, I can't get around to writing them both out before midnight. So I am calling my second cheat blog. This week was actually pretty good for a lot of people this week. Good news, good visits, new opportunities. Positive hope is working. I got the job I wanted. Its a bit surreal for me. So I will move on to hoping that I do a good job. It will be weird to be in an environment where they are all looking out for each other. Where those in charge have a positive attitude. Where change can be made. It'll be weird to be trusted based on my own experiences and actions, and not on those of people that worked there years before me. I'm not sure how to take it. I may be gun shy. But oh, how I am looking forward to it. I am hopeful for a wonderful new beginning. :)

Hope in life

Hope. We are told without hope that our lives lose a bit of meaning. We are told so often to also stop holding out hope for things. That middle ground doesn't seem to exist.

I had a dream a few nights ago. In this dream someone that I hadn't thought about in a while was there. The right things were said. The right feelings were conveyed. Things lined up as they *should*. Past experiences were addressed and explained. Things were, in short, perfect. A perfect that I didn't know I wanted or thought possible. (Keep in mind, my perfect is realistic, so perfect doesn't mean perfect.) Its hard to say in words the...relief/happiness/hope that was in this dream. Then I woke up. All taken away. As with many good dreams, I had to sit for a while and sort out the facts. Then, as I do, I had to think about it. The worst though, was that feeling that it had been taken away, and with reality, hope for it got taken away too.

How can you not hope for something like that when after you dream it? Isn't it something to keep you going each day? That hope that something like that can happen? Reality, however, tells you that over time, you need to give things up. Stop hoping for things that will never happen.

There may not be a middle ground, but I believe there is a fine line to decide. Things that have moved on in time, that have no chance of happening, I guess, we should logically let go of hope for. We can't stop our hearts or subconscious from hoping, and they may, but we should probably stop. Maybe things like career plans or government can stay on the 'always keep hope' level, because so many things change.

Or hell, I don't know. I am fond of saying "anything is possible," so why should we give up hope about anything? Why is it wrong to hold out hope for something we think can make us happy? ....Because sometimes that hope can make us sad. Such a circle.

Apathy is an absence of hope

Only two topics, only two areas of study, have held my attention. It gets under my skin when around me and I long for more. Long to do something with it. Writing has. Politics has. My first trip to Washington DC had/has me longing to go back. Not to visit, but to be involved.

Yesterday someone asked me if I was a "big picture or little details" person, I answered honestly,"Both." I see all angles. Especially when it has nothing to do with me personally.This can make getting an answer out of me difficult, but you can guess I've looked at it from all sides. I'm a realist as well when looking at things. NOTHING is perfect. Especially when 'man' is involved. Man is fallible. (This will be brought up again this week. woot!) No one person can change a political system. No one person can create stability. No one can do that alone. But many can. Many people can. This is why parties try to get the majority after all. One rain drop can't drown you, but many can. One person's voice can be silenced, but many can't. You've heard these things before, but many choose to ignore it when it comes to politics.

Now, the loudest people aren't always right. Some people are stupid. Some people are misguided. Some people are selfish. Some people have the belief that their thoughts are the correct ones, and everyone else is a fool. Some people don't care. This doesn't change the fact, that the more people involved, the better the system can be.

I don't think that there is ever just a 'right answer' to what our governments (I say plural, because it goes for all levels) need to do. Or who can do it. We are all individuals. We all have our own opinions. It is naivety on a person's part to think that being of the same party means that everyone of that party believes the same thing. It is naivety to think that any person running for an office is perfect and will always make the correct decision. Its madness to think that anyone could have all the answers. Its madness to expect everyone to know every flaw of anyone running for office. They are people right? They are going to have them. I hold this belief for both (or all) party's members.

This doesn't mean everything is bunk in the system though. I don't think getting more people involved in the process is bad. With more people, more knowledge and more information and more ideas are bound to come. No, everyone won't know everything that is going on. Some people may really only care about one or two things in the government. Discounting their opinions because they don't see the whole picture isn't helping anyone. At least they are making an effort to try and make a better world, if even it is only their vision of a better world.

Playing the 'it doesn't matter' card doesn't work with me either. My sister uses is sometimes and I just don't get that angle. Could you imagine what it would be like if everyone that could vote did? (Take a look some time at the voting rates of other countries, for a country so big on democracy, we are a bit sad.) Maybe if more people showed the initiative to go to a polling center once a year (or once every 2 or 4) than ideas such as getting actual public opinion on policies could take place. Why would they ask the public for their 'official' opinion on things if barely half of the population takes the time to go answer? (Phone and marketing polls are strongly misleading. Depending on how someone phrases a question, or who you ask, can make a poll change over 40%!)

I'm not one to say, if you didn't vote you can't complain. (It may annoy a part of me however.) Of course you can, but what are you doing to make a difference. Complaining only works if you do something about it. If that means volunteering to help people or donating money to a school or taking your time out to help your community, DO IT. Don't judge the people trying to make do with the system we have. They are trying. It allows for people to have opinions. It allows for hope. Some people have hope. Hope that with each election at least one positive thing will come out of it. Some idea will appear with the new elected officials. Apathy does not allow for hope of this.

All I've hoped for is for people to know what is going on and be involved. There is no way to know everything, but in what field does everyone know everything? This is why there are doctors that specialize. Why people publish new findings and ideas in fields. A few years ago I thought I would dedicate one day a week to teaching some basic civics ideas though a blog post. I may start that again. We can never know every bill going out there (this is why elected officials have staffs to help them). We can never know every thought and true motive a politician might have (you don't know that about anyone). The right choices won't always be made (man is fallible). Politicians will make mistakes or do things for personal gain (which is why we can vote them out of office). We can learn about how it all really works. We can see the basic frame work that was laid down and why. We can learn why certain things are done the way they are. From that we can make better decisions. From that, we can be better involved. With that, we can lose this apathy that nothing will ever work or matter, and maybe hope that something will.

New hopes

I have been without a job for over 2 months now. Last week that hit me hard. Harder then I would like.

Today I had an interview. It was a long one. Most importantly, it was at a location in which I think I could actually be happy. My normal train of thought in areas like this is to not get too hopeful. That way, when the rejection comes, it won't hurt so much. Its not the best way to look at things, but its what I have been trained to do. Like Pavlov's dogs, I learn. But I am hoping this time. I can see this. If I don't get this, it will probably suck. When I walked into it today I thought the job wouldn't be all that much, that it wouldn't matter that much if I didn't get it, that the job was something I could do, but not something I would be 'proud' of, but after hearing more about it, I am excited at the prospect. I want this. I'm going to hope for it.

Hope may be a theme this week. I have started a few blogs regarding the subject of hope. Personal, professional, spiritual. Hope has many angles, some heal, some bruise.

For today, I am going with uplifting hope. I think I've earned it.

A bit of a kick start

...at least I hope so.

November holds the challenge of blogging every day. I've done this for 2 years now. I'll see how it goes this year. Perhaps if I manage to do this, it will get me back in the swing of things. Add some consistency to my days. At least I am hoping for that.

I have an interview tomorrow and I spend the day prepping, both with clothes and research, so I didn't really plan the theme of today's blog as much as I would have liked to. Heck, I think I almost forgot about it all together! So I will leave todays with an intro and with hopes of better things to come. :)

Its a mental thing

As most of my friends know, I am stubborn in some things. Sadly, this includes things that a normal person should be able to mentally overcome with time. One bad experience doesn't have to ruin a simple act, yet I somehow hold on to these and associate it over and over. This mental game of mine often effects me physically, making everything worse, thus proving my internal battle that something was wrong in the first place. This can't be right.

Eleven and a half years ago, I went to Montana with my Dad to visit my sister. As was my way, I drove up there so we could stop by all the beautiful nature. On the long drive back to Kansas, we drove back through Yellowstone (side note, that was always me favorite part of the drive. There and back. Anyway...). Each time we drove through we tried to stop by a different 'attraction' in the park. If you have ever been there, you know its huge and there is plenty to see, and each season it is different. Another side note, I love waterfalls. Of all sizes. LOVE them. So we stopped to see one. I thought it was a simple stroll to the top of this waterfall (we were on one of the mountains, so we were high already). Granted, it took a long time to walk down to the vista point, I didn't care/notice because I was so excited about seeing the falls. ...Until we had to go back.

I have exercise induced asthma. Always have. Its a pain in the ass. This means that if I work out, I need an inhaler nearby because my lungs close up. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY FREAKING WEIGHT. God I wish it did. Trust me, this little side note will make sense in a minute.

I, unknown to me, was also pregnant at the time.

After staring at the fall for a while and thinking how BAD it would be to drop my glasses or keys or anything, we started heading back to the car. Keep in mind, we were just driving through, so we weren't in like hiking gear or with water bottles. This is when I started to notice the way back was a switch-back. I didn't know this was what it was called at the time. (A switch-back is when they make a path up a steep hill/mountain by going up in one direction at a 'low' incline, then turns back and goes the other way. Back and forth. Higher and higher. Long slow inclines.) After the SIXTH turn, I was winded. After the 15th turn I was sure I was going to die right there on that mountain. I had no idea how we had gone down so far and not noticed or thought about having to come back up. So with my asthma making me wheeze, the altitude not helping, and everything else, serious bad thoughts. I don't even remember the rest of the journey up, just that we made it.

From this memory, I have it in my head that I can not physically go up a switch-back trail. That they will 'kill' me. That they are too hard physically for me to do or handle. That there is no way I won't have an asthma attack. That I will have to force myself to be able to make it. Funny how time makes you realize why you don't like something.

Out at Clinton Lake, on one of the trails I've been hiking for years, there is a switch-back. Generally, I avoid that area of trail. Hell, I have made my own trail. Never thought about it until I tried running it last week. I got through one full level and my mind told me there was no way I could do it. I didn't even fight it. I just walked it and omg it felt like the weight of the world was pushing against me. It wasn't. It was just a long incline switch-back, not even a quarter of what the path at Yellowstone was.

When I was in high school, for practice for both volleyball and basketball, coaches had us do stair laps in the gym. (We didn't have a stadium.) This was no big deal in 9th or 10th or most of 11th grade. It was just part of conditioning. Wasn't my favorite, but it was doable. Then two years in a row, either for one or both sports, the coach made us run them, not for conditioning, but for punishment. If we didn't win (and oh my God, we almost never won) they made us run them. Over and over. For the whole hour and half of practice.

After a particularly bad basketball game, the coach made us run for each point they beat us by. The other team had 100 pointed us. If you have ever run stair laps (and I mean laps here, not just up and down) then you probably know the likelihood of depth perception to play with your mind. Steps are no longer where you thought they were. Knees are done with bending. Feet hit the wrong spots. You LONG for the short distances between stairways so you can walk (if the coach isn't looking of course). Asthma and stairs also don't mix. Nor does a freshly healed sprained ankle. Or bad knees. lol I was falling apart so young.

Today, I use the stairs when available, but the thought of running stairs...wow, just shoot me. I know there is no coach down there watching me and making me do them and keeping me from playing or getting my letter, but its there in my head. The pain and fear associated with stair laps. Just thinking of doing them makes me start to breath funny. A weird part of me would like to do them again. They are great for training and I need to strengthen my knees, but mentally, I wouldn't be able to do them. I don't know if I would make them up the first level.

I know it's all mental. I have no issues trying to sprint up a rocky steep incline. My knees hurt, but I can go up and down stairs. I know, I really do, that I can physically do them. At least while I sit here and type this out. But get me in either of those situations and you would think I hadn't moved off my couch in years. Mentally, I won't let myself get into those situations again. Makes me think of how, once you get sick off eating something, you can never eat it again because your mind associates it with you getting sick. I don't know, I just wish it wasn't such a mental thing. I would like to think that with time, it would get better...but you have to try them first.