Why she was happier 'thinner'

Caroline's been thinking about why she was happier when she was thinner. I mean really. She could do all the things she could before, she could just fit in smaller clothes and look 'cuter' for guys that still didn't pay attention. So why was she happier? 

Because she didn't have to listen to the twenty thousand people around her telling her how to be healthy. It was easier to ignore. When everyone is telling you (directly or indirectly) that you are fat and unhealthy, you can't really help but obsess over it. All day. Thinking about "hmm, I don't have a salad, should I just skip lunch because God knows McDonald's is the devil and if I eat that I just feed their stereotype." ALL. THE. TIME.

She wasn't happier because she was thinner. She played the same activities. No matter the weight. Bowling, volleyball, hiking, walking, running, yard work, house work, yoga, Pilates  Didn't really matter the size. Is being thinner "healthier"? Sure! Of course it is. But she doesn't think that, that was what made her happier. 

It was not having the constant voices telling her how to improve. Oh, they were still there. Because goodness knows, people have to constantly tell others what they should eat. Or how they should look. Or how they shouldn't feel good about themselves. 

There was also the ability to join the 'well I did it, so you can too' club. The group of super special people that 'buckled down' and lost weight with just 'some self control' so everyone should be able too. "Look at me! Look at me!" Because who doesn't want to be able to tell those people to just "shut up" while sitting at the same table? It's a bit harder to do that when you are at the "you still can't handle your weight" table....with your take out food. 

So Caroline is thinking, while she would like to be thinner (she has some clothes she wants to wear...) that she is going to try hard to ignore everyone, because she can't waste her time being unhappy with herself all the time. That is truly unhealthy. 

I am awesome

What Caroline's been thinking is that she lets the belief that the reason certain relationships don't turn out how she would think they would/should guide her in the wrong direction. She always believes it's her. No matter if it's just friendship or something more, or even those where...well it gets all complicated and murky. That if she was thinner. Or daintier. Or 'girlier'. Or smarter. Or stupider. Or funnier. Or less funny. Or talked more. Or talked less. If she went out more. Drank more. Went out less. Drank less. Shorter. Prettier. That if she was one or all of these things, then the relationship with person X would be the perfect way it should be in the way of the Universe. 
Caroline is thinking today, that that is utter crap. She's tried that. Maybe it is just her on the whole that some people don't like. But Caroline is thinking that she IS fucking awesome. And if someone can't see that. Can't see the loyalty. The support. The best. Then it isn't Caroline's fault. It's theirs. 
She isn't going to tear herself down over a relationship that never really was or one that she never really wanted, because the other person is a douche. She isn't going to tear herself down and continually question "what is wrong with me" over past relationships that didn't work. 
She's going to start working on the not caring. Because with all her faults, and there are many, she's awesome. And she really does know that. She just doesn't act like it or show it. She tries to change too often for those around her. She tries to 'read' what they may want, and alters herself to fit. 
She's kind of done with that. It hasn't worked so far, so she's not taking that path anymore if she can avoid it. 
Caroline is thinking she is awesome, and those that don't see that, and/or choose others over her and/or push her aside, can suck it. 

I've been thinking that it's funny how I want to talk to absolutely no one, and everyone. All at the same time. I could actually feel the pull of the depression this time. I could. And I pushed it away, I was surprised as hell. I thought I was going to stay level, but I sit here wondering why I even bother trying to have friends. Why do I talk to people? It always...collapses. Either by distance, time, me or them. And it is just shitty. But as I sit here thinking about how I don't care, I sit here wondering if anyone would come to a bbq this month. And it frightens me. Because I'm not strong enough. Strong enough to deal with people saying no. Strong enough to try and push through my longing to be alone but with people. Strong enough to not care either way. Why isn't life easy? lol 
I'm afraid if I don't stop this, I'm going to lose months again. Months to being totally uninspired. Months of lethargy. Months of more distancing myself from people. And ya know, that really doesn't work. Even if some people are assholes. I hope the spring brings enough sun that it cuts through this bull shit in my mind. That I can relax. That I can stop caring about everything. If I could narrow that down to just like work, bills and the boy, I would be a ok for while. I don't want to worry about my weight. I don't want to worry about this friendship or that friendship or that one. I don't want to worry about my stupid car. I'd say I want to be normal, but we all know that doesn't exist. I never wanted to be normal before anyway. 
Guess this lost composure and just became rambling. Maybe I needed that. I've neglected all my blogs. So weird to think I was able to write 2 to three a night. Maybe I'll make that a goal and see where it goes.