The clocks are a tickin'

I'm sitting here wanting to leave my house. Go anywhere. Eat something that is not in my house. Do something. See my friends. Drive. I can't though. Broken car equals home time. So I am sitting here on the couch...and I hear the clocks ticking. I don't like ticking clocks. I have only two. They are wall clocks. They are currently the loudest things EVER. All I can think of while I listen to them is how each second I get farther and farther away from doing what I want to do this month.

Last week I had a good run. Good solid four miles at a decent pace (for me). My heel hurt really bad after, so I took that Wednesday off. Which, had I known my car would break Thursday, I wouldn't have. I can't get to the trails without my car. I can't get to the gym without my car. So, I am wallowing in 'wah-ness'. Mainly because there is a race June 4th. I wanted to do it. It would have been my first. I was terrified. I figured however, if I kept up the pace of my running and pushed a bit harder, that I would be able to do it. No problem.

Now I am sitting here. Mopey. Not doing anything. I have taken a nap almost every day this week. WHAT THE HELL. I 'talk' about taking naps, I don't actually do it! I have lost all will to do shit and I am not even in a bad mood! (You have no idea how many times I almost gave up on this post.)

I worked at making something 'not' my inspiration. I think that was a bad idea. I think I need to get that back....even if it has its downfall as well.

Its blank

There have been moments the past few weeks in which I had a good blog post. I had somethings to share. I even had a new blog planned out. It keeps slipping away as soon as I go to write it out though.

I think about my book. How I want to finish it. I want to work on it. I want the story to finish unfolding. I want someone else to get to know those characters. I can't seem to open the file though. The two clicks it would take seem so hard.

I miss my poetry. I want to write something. I feel so uninspired though. Or inspired...but empty.

I can't seem to write anymore. I don't know what happened. I love writing. My ability to share the world though words though seems to be failing me. I am able to tweet or reblog, but not create.

That might be killing me most of all.

My ex

I used to be a very trusting soul. I mean, I trusted everything. When someone would tell me something, I didn't really doubt it. I trusted. Then my ex happened. After years of trusting only to be shown that I shouldn't have, I finally starting distrusting.

It took a few years to get rid of the initial mistrust. Years.

So now I am just, generally, good at spotting liars. Whether half truths, or to yourself. I tend to spot it. I also tend to try and doubt it a bit, because I know, at times, I am more untrusting then I'd like.

I especially don't like this when I am show, point blank the truth of something, yet the lie remains. Or if I end up finding out the truth later on. These are kind of painful for me because they are so like that horrid relationship.

I can't expect anyone to understand. You weren't there. You didn't see the array of un-truth I faced for well over 3 years.

I can tell you however, that honestly, I can't stand it. I hate it when people lie to me. Especially about the little stuff.

I hurts.

Longest Weekend Ever

Generally after a long work week, the weekend seems to be sucked into time warp, speeding everything up. Sleeping in doesn't seem to count as much, the afternoons go so quickly you can't do one thing before the evenings activities. So enjoyable, so much to do, and over way to quickly.

I often find myself wondering where the weekend went as I head to bed on Sunday night. Not this weekend. This time, saying the longest weekend ever is an awesome thing. It's not sarcasm about how horrible something was and I had to endure it. It was just a very nice weekend where time decided to slow down instead of speed up.

I won't go into a play by play of each day. Each day however, felt like a full weekend. I almost didn't believe it yesterday when I finally went to sleep that it was only Saturday. It was a nice full, relaxing, beautiful and long weekend. I hope I have another soon.

Why I walk

Ever since I can remember, my dad helped with the Jerry Lewis Labor Day telethon for MS. I know the first few times, I didn't understand what was going on. Just that my dad was gone even more then usual. As I got older I began to understand that this was just another form of giving back that my Dad did. I enjoyed helping. I played the cute kid card and looked for donations. I remember the first year I called in too.

One of my good friends from grade school through jr high had adoptive parents. And we never talked about it, but her mom had MS. Bad. I only remember her as being in a wheelchair. Her mom never let it hold my friend back though, and life when on. So it was never really personal for me. I could see it in front of me, but I was still to young to understand. I would later help on committees for fundraising and what not, but it was a once a year thing, and then I would forget about it until next year.

Last year I was asked if I wanted to join a team of people walking in a MS Walk. I knew a bunch of people and I thought it would be fun. I also learned that the one organizing our group was one of my fraternity sisters. She had been diagnosed with MS. It seemed a bit surreal to me. She looked well at the walk and I had seen her numerous times since. It was something that I could do.

I signed up to walk again this year. I was thinking ahead of trying to go the longer distance. I was thinking of making a goal in donations. I wasn't really thinking why. Then one night when I walked into my favorite bar, she was there with some of my friends.

It was her birthday.

She was quiet and sick and looked almost miserable.

The MS was attacking, which it does, it can go in waves apparently. I was seeing her trying to fight. She had a bag next to her with medication that was going into her arm.

This was a girl who I had gone to parties with. That had driven my drunk as home. Who had two children. This was a girl who I had missed seeing these bad times.

I have two legs, and at times, I like to be lazy. For others though, there isn't a choice and they don't know when it will hit or get worse. So much more needs to be learned. So I will walk for her. I will walk in memory of my friends mom who died right after she graduated HS. I will walk for all the kids I see each year on the telethon that people can ignore now, because there are 100's of channels to switch to.

I will walk because I can.

I sent a letter out to friends and family this week asking for their support, I'll post it up here too. There is no guilt in not donating, please don't think that. Just keep everyone effected by MS, the families and all, in your thoughts. Thanks.

I will be walking in the Lawrence MS Walk again this year on April 30th. I will be walking with a team from the Sandbar, but we are walking in support of one of my AOII sisters who was diagnosed with MS a few years ago.

I am trying to reach a goal of $250 this year in donations. I am hoping that all the little bits from everyone everywhere, it can help find a cure and that it can support the MS Society in supporting the families and those with MS and further their research.

If you are able to donate, it would be greatly appreciated. A link to my donation page should appear.

Thank you,

Caroline

Lawrence MS Walk 2011

Words are hard

There are many words that when put together with other words, are hard to say. Words that we have such a hard time saying. This can be due to past experiences, fear, or stubbornness. There are words that seem to allude our conversations, because we have pushed them so far back there, that it doesn't feel right to even say them anymore. I know what mine are.

For many these words are "I love you," that isn't so much a problem for me. I can say that. I love all my friends (ok, most of them :P). I say it routinely and freely to most of them. I do have one (or two) friends I just won't ever say it to, however. I know that they would take it the wrong way and then things would be weird, and who wants weird?!

For many these words are "I'm sorry." lol Well, I have gotten used to saying that. So much, that at times I think people don't believe me. "I'm sorry" means different things at different times to me, but I am way to empathetic, so in some form, I usually am sorry - that you are going through that, that I hurt you, etc. However, I know that when I've been fighting tooth & nail and then find out that I was wrong, I think that might be the hardest for me to say I'm sorry. ....but I don't think I am alone in that one. lol

For some these words are "I forgive you." That used to never be a problem for me. It's how I was raised. Forgiveness is a big thing. It's hard, but it does no good to harbor constant anger. So I forgive, and I used to tell people when/if they apologized. I'm not so good anymore. I still forgive (and please, don't take forgive as equaling forget) but its not as easy, and I generally don't say it anymore. I was burned way too often by that. It's easy to look like a doormat to people when you forgive them for treating you like crap too many times.

For some these words are "I need help." These are the words for me. I never really thought about it until a friend pointed out that I never actually ask for help. I kind of put it out there that I may need it, but I never ask. Or I rarely ask. It's totally true though. As my own self diagnoser, I can tell you why too. Help's fallen through so much for me. Now, this part may sound bitchy, but honestly, it's not meant to be.

I believe in the golden rule, and if I help you, you'll help me and vise-versa. So part of me thinks I shouldn't have to point blank ask. If you see me struggling, well of COURSE I need help. If I always help you with 'a', I believe that when I need help with 'a' you'll be there for me too. (And honestly, the past few years, out of some seeded spite which I am not proud of, I have stopped volunteering my help without being asked, and for some, I will just flat out say no to now.)

The other reason I don't ask is this: If I don't ask you to help, and you don't help, I don't have to be upset with you when you don't help. If I ask for help, and no one is there for me, then I get upset, because, well, what the hell? This happens. When I actually ask for help (which means I know I need it) I get turned down, or it's ignored, or they say they'll help and then never show. It's painful really. Me asking for help is me throwing myself out there, strange as that sounds. It's a way to reject me I guess. That I am not important enough to help. I don't know, it sounds weird typing it out, but well, there it is. This is *my* take on it. I know this is not what it really means when someone says no...or at least that is what I tell myself. lol

There is also the guilt issue. I know I feel bad when I can't help someone. I also know people can't always help me. So I bypass the guilt of the decision, by not asking. I really don't want people to feel like the *need* to help me, I want them to want to help me, and if they can't, done....but I want them to help me. So I go through this crazy cycle of insanity in my own head about asking *you* to help me. lol

...And with that being said, I am going to 'woman up' and email a few friends today...because I need help....and with no guilt intended, I hope I get a response.

Sometimes words are hard.

Hello, are you there blog? It's me, Caroline

I would love to say my life has been ultra busy and I have been *so* busy, that I just didn't have time to blog, but that would be a lie. I haven't lied to you all yet, and I am not going to start now. I am also not going to look at the last time I blogged. Nor, am I going to look at the last time I wrote a poem. I have been slacking. Yes, I have been doing stuff, but seriously, I know better, I can write a blog everyday. It's not as if I am afraid of sharing my meaningless drivel with you all!

I just finished a few weeks worth of re-watching the entire Battlestar Galactica series. This has honestly, taken up way more of my time and energy then I think I am willing to admit. It is over now, so I can cross that off as a 'time suck' and get back to doing things and finishing up some plans.

Oh yes, there are plans. Many of them. I also have a white board filled with things to do. I think that until most of those are done, the tv is staying off. Which of course will leave me totally out of touch with the world. I will then rely on twitter, tumblr, and what not to keep me in the loop. I would say facebook, but I really just don't get on there that much.

Ok, so this was just a slow start. I will build, and maybe have a blog of meaning for you all tomorrow, but really, you just never know. lol