How long can I go with no job?

So, situations change. Stuff happens. I know all this. I also know that generally, down the road, the things that end up feeling like they sucked the most end up working out ok or for the best..I just don't see it that way for a while. lol

Sadly, my job that I was using as the stepping stone to escape my old job, is coming to an end. By the end of this week. I thought I would have more time, but... So here I am, and the question is, do I still take a week or two of only full time at the afternoon job and see what I can make happen? I could use that time to actually study or write. The schedule for job 2 isn't up at all for next month. I could go in and say I want 40 hours (ok, only 37 because they are that way) but...seriously, the thought of that sends me into panic attacks. But what else? If it was just me, I'd say whatever, but I have a kid to think of. I have bills. I don't know what to do here. I would sort of like to keep part of my soul.

I am really considering buckling down, and getting some learning in the next two weeks. Maybe upping my hours there a little bit, but overall, still keeping the morning free. I would have to be focused and all. But I think I could do that. Not sure what all the studying will get me. Don't really see it getting me a job right away...but Idk...maybe a start...and we all have to start somewhere right? :(

I don't do it...

I don't do it all that often, but sometimes I pull the girl card, and I hold it there and don't let go. By girl card I also mean 'old fashioned' or what not. I do this a lot in regards to relationships, and honestly, I try every now and then to change this, but either by results or lack of, I just go back to the 'old way'.

What does that mean? It means I have big issues being the asker-outer. I can hint really well I think, but the vocalization, at least the first time, not so much. That girl card I can put to the side sometimes though. This other one, not so sure. I've only been able to do that once really. I can't make the first move with someone. No matter how much I may want to kiss someone, I don't. I can't make that first move. Going in for a hug is about the extent I can go, and even then I hold back sometimes. I know, its something I should get over and God only knows if I didn't have this 'debilitating' mentality, who knows where I would be or who I would be with. My not trying to kiss you in no way means I am not interested. Me not putting my hand on your leg does not mean that ever fiber of my being isn't wanting to do so. I just don't. I don't make the first move. Its not something that I bring up, so no one is going to know. Its weird. Its me. And although lately this bothers me, there is not much I can do about it.

I'm sure we all have that one thing that we won't do, that anyone else would find silly. These are just mine. These are my girly cards.

Where is my white knight?

I don't need massive amounts of attention from a guy, just enough to know he cares/is thinking of me/gives a damn. I don't *need* a guy to take care of me. I do however, have this need for a white knight. I need a guy that is going to come in and "save" me when things go wrong. The one that comes in the middle of the night to change my tire. Who'll wake up and help jump my car when the battery is dead. That will stop the creepy guy (or hell, even me from me when I am too drunk) from bothering me. I don't think my vision of a white knight is too big to be able to be done. But I totally yearn for it with my being.

Where is my white knight?

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Start Again

Its hard to start again

To bring to surface what you forgot

Its hard to pick up

Just where you thought you'd left off

Its hard to believe it was easy

But you can look back and see that it was

Its hard to do things different

When you got used to an easier way

Its hard to start again

But your heart often doesn't give you a choice.

Simple

I'm sorry for the emotions,

That can't be kept at bay.

I'm sorry for not always accepting,

When someone doesn't feel that way.

I'm sorry that the world I live in

Is made up of what I want to see.

I'm sorry this way of living

So often conflicts with simple reality.

I'm sorry that things confuse me

That are so easy for everyone else to know.

I'm sorry that I stay subconsciously hopeful

When the world around me says no.

I'm sorry I'm not simple,

Even if you believe me to be.

I'm sorry I can't be what everyone thinks,

Because, really, that's simply me.