12 months

I haven't really wanted to think on here. The past 12 months have been hard for a myriad of reasons. I started a spiral of 'functioning' depression. I lost connection/communication/closeness with my best friend. I continued to unexplainably gain weight, despite a month of pneumonia. I found out my best friend from HS was a lesbian and recently watched as she got married. Another one of my kindered soul friends made the transformation of man into woman. I have had almost all my friends move to other states. I've had my childhood home and memories be destroyed. I have had just about every belief I hold be insulted and turned and questioned, yet I have not judged, only loved those friends that hit me hardest.

Yet I'm still here. I am still fighting. I am taking more college courses, despite the fact that I have no idea why I should anymore. I got a trainer so I can have someone to kick my ass, encourage me, and be proud of my accomplishments and not tell me they aren't good enough. I have also become a hermit.

I have decided that people who make the blanket statements about conservatives, Catholics, and Republicans can kiss my ass.

I am still here. I have to believe in a purpose for life. I have to work through everything going on in my life alone I suppose. It all led up to that I guess. So I will.

I'm still here through this, so I guess I can make it though whatever 'that' the future throws at me. 

Ugh

So we all have things we don't like about ourselves, I may have more than others, but I don't know your mind. lol
Last night I came face to face with one of the things that annoys me, drunk me. Because drunk me tells you, over and over and over, that I'm drunk. I also tend to talk louder, yell more, act like a crazy girl, I also lose much of my 'personal space' issues. The worst of all this, is the next day, when it replays in my mind over and over and over. Did I have fun? Help yeah! Do I think I made a fool of myself? Yup. I can remember the eyebrows raises or the sighs from those in a more sober state around me.

I freak out when people start to leave me when I'm like this. Not that I want to force anyone to hang around. But when I start seeing everyone leave, my brain goes into a sober up mode, because I know I'll be walking to that car alone if I don't have someone drive me home.

And all this is why drunk me annoys me. It's fun at the time, but the next day...all the fun of it gets sucked away. Blah

March Madness?

Growing up in Joplin, Mo, I didn't pay any attention to college basketball. Heck, I am not sure anyone did. I don't remember anyone talking about watch parties, or commercials on TV. Maybe I was oblivious (and let me tell you, I found ways to watch A LOT of TV, so I would have seen them). I started playing basketball in Junior High. But still, outside of my school, or schools in my district, that was about it. Ok, I did pay attention to the NBA, but college basketball? I didn't really think about it. And worst of worst to admit, I had a Mizzou Tigers bumper sticker on my desk. ...I did live in Missouri and remember, I was a kid, I didn't know better.

When I moved to Kansas my Sophomore year of High School, I was upset...and completely confused by all the attention to the colleges. Colleges to me, were still just where you went to learn. The Ivy Leagues were the best, along with Notre Dame and Georgetown. I was soon to learn a new way of thinking of them.

Along with my slow growing love of football, I learned more and more about KSU and KU. The rivalry, the culture, the teams. And I totally bought into it. I still didn't pay attention to the seasons or championships, only when they played each other or one of my guy friends wanted to watch.

Then I made the academic choice to go to the University of Kansas. That's where my oblivion kind of took a flying dive off Allen Fieldhouse. You may be able to avoid team/school spirit elsewhere, but in Lawrence KS, it's life. It's everywhere. EVERYWHERE. The first basketball game I went to, I was lost. I learned about the NCAA Championship (which could be why I know nothing about the NIT except that we don't want to be in it). Over the years, brackets became a norm with every group of people I know.

Now, despite me not wanting to care at the beginning I do. Not wanting to care if we should lose, but I do. Not going to make plans to watch the games, but I do. Not wanting to hope, but I do. The Jayhawks really get you into it. The history, the passion, the excitement.

So now I notice the March Madness. And I have a love/hate relationship with it. I try not to let my superstition get to me today- especially with someone in our seats.

Rock Chalk Jayhawk Go KU!!

The Middle Ground

I find myself in a conundrum...or at least I think I have....or at least I think I have found the core of a problem(s). If you want to do something, or reach a goal, you are told the power of positive thinking. Of seeing the end game. Of believing you can do it. If you don't see it happening at all, it never will. The problem I seem to find (and of course, my *brilliant* mind just came up with this hypothesis tonight, so bare with the huge gaps that are sure to be there) is that I don't not see the end game. I see the finished product. I see the work that will have to go into it. I believe, with full confidence, that I can do anything I set my mind too. That there is bound to be a way or an end. Why is that problem? Because it means I don't have to work for it.

I know what you are thinking, that doesn't make any freaking sense what so ever. But it does, to me. I know I can do it, I see it all happening. I see me doing this and that to get there....so I don't worry....and thus become lazy, and then I never reach that goal.

Let me give an example. Working out. Love her or hate her, I have always admired the muscles on Angelina Jolie's arms. She is toned...well, she's becoming too thin now, but that is neither here nor there. The point is, that's all I want. I don't need to be movie star thin, but I want to be toned. I can see me doing it too. (I've been there before after all.) I can see the hard work. I know the sweat and the push through required. I have my collection of workouts. I know how to pace and switch up. Blah, blah, blah. and then nothing. I sit and think about it. I don't for a second think I can't do it. (I love lifting weights after all.) Yet, somewhere, there is a disconnect. It doesn't happen. I somehow feel fulfilled for having figured it all out and knowing I could do it. Which is why I currently do not have arms like Angelina Jolie. lol

You could say that's just a load of crap because I am to lazy to workout, but it's not just with that. That was just one example. There are so many things I have like that.

Of course, when I don't think I can do anything, I do have the same result...nothing gets done. I firmly believe, without help, I will never clean out my garage. I never even fully get to a planning stage, because I think I know I can't do it.

There needs to be a happy medium. Some way to say "YOU CAN DO IT" and also say "But you won't do it all or make that goal, but you still need to try for that goal, but you might have to aim for a different goal after all." I don't think I can fit another voice inside my head though. lol

I don't know, maybe it's just me that has this problem. And if it is, that is ok, after all, the title of the blog is What Caroline's been thinking, not How the World is for Everyone. :)

I have no idea where this is going to go. Fair warning.

I'm stressed. There is only one part of my life that isn't really stressing me out, and oddly enough, that would be work. Everything else...AHHHH!
I guess most of this wouldn't be so bad if I could have talked it out with people, or with my friend. But those things aren't happening and don't look like it'll be that way again. Which also leads to more stress. I used to releave some stress by writing, but I haven't really done much of that either. So whether or not things really are in the shitter or I just feel that way, idk. It probably is the latter. I've dealt with so much worse, so all this...it shouldn't be keeping me up right now.
But it is.
I was so excited to get a working car the other week (still don't have it) because, not just for freedom to go where I choose, but because then I'll get to go visit my friends that I don't get to see much of anymore. This gets me in the cycle of, do they really want to be my friend if they don't want to put in an effort to see me? Yeah, I'm without a car at the moment, and have been for a while, but I haven't bugged anyone every week for a ride. One friend, ONE friend always offers to get me and makes an effort. Otherwise, I don't see anyone until I borrow a car and go to them. And yeah, maybe its not as serious as all that, but it sure as hell feels that way. So I get this car, drive to people and what? They will then want to see me? I guess I'm just sensitive already, and just people I care about keep fucking moving away. Good people. I can handle changes, but loss, loss I suck at. I swear, I feel like everytime I blink, someone else is gone. And I don't want to lose anymore. But maybe, maybe I just need to embrace it. Move somewhere. No, no idea where. But, why not? Then this house will be empty and maybe it could be the 4th home I've lived in to be destroyed after I go. Seriously, 2 by tornadoes. What the Fuck.
I just feel like I need to get shit out, but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But I'm killing myself this way. I just miss my friends...or blogging. Guess I'll see which one pans out.