It shouldn't bother me.

At least it shouldn't bother me this much. My hometown of Joplin Mo was hit hard by a tornado. I worried like crazy yesterday when I couldn't reach my sister who lives there still. I know she's ok now. I'm still worrying about another close family friend. Otherwise, sounds like my friends and family there were uber lucky and even if their homes and belongings aren't ok, they are. I am unbelievably thankful for this. Knowing/hearing how many weren't so lucky....my God.
So one would think I could stop feeling so horrible. I can't though. I think its because that is my childhood. Joplin is my memories. Some shity ones sure, but some Damn good ones too. It was my place of so many firsts. To think those things are gone. Gone. I don't know, it seems too surreal.
I saw a picture of the church and grade school I went to, completely gone except for the cross. How to I reconcile that in my mind?!
There have been no photos of my old house. The one I lived in when we were all together. The one I hand painted one summer. The home I go to in my dreams. By all accounts though, its gone. The old Victorian house, that was now 101 years old, gone.
I scramble for memories, for pictures, for names. I can't be there. I would be in the way and of no help. I am helpless. I can't see my childhood in turmoil. I have to make myself believe the pictures. I have to make myself believe that my sister and her family are ok.
I should be relieved now. Saddened by the devastation, but not to the point that I am right? After all, my family is ok and it was only my past, a past I wasn't going back to, that is personally gone.
So many prayers are being said for everyone down there. Unless you'd been there and seen it with all the trees, you can't really see how bad it really is. :(

Cycling back

I know, I talk about this a LOT. It just seems to happen. I see a cycle coming up and I didn't notice this one the last few times. It's the 'alone' cycle. Not the "poor me I feel alone and no one likes me" alone cycle, but the "I seem to be spending more time on me, and writing, and working out, and getting shit done while everyone else is going out" alone cycle.

It's a weird cycle. I fight it going into it. I think not having a car for a few weeks and knowing I won't have a car for long now, kind of kick started it. Kept me love of friends and all, but forced me to do things at home.

Oh hell, I don't know how to describe this to you all. Especially without someone going and misinterpreting what I say. lol But, I feel this new settling in with people. Not new, as in new people, but new as in I have taken on a different roll in people's lives and people have taken a different roll in mine....and this is all ok. It's obviously part of the cycle and thus, it is the way it is supposed to be.

I know that I have gotten things written the past few weeks. I seem to have misplaced my inspiration, but inspiration can come in many forms, and like the times before, it will present itself when it is ready. I miss my favorite place to go and write, but I am sure I can find another, if not, at least I know most of the places downtown will be a bit slower next week with college out of session.

Cycles. woot Let the cycle of creativity and Caroline begin!!!! ...or something like that. :)

I'm ....well....

{I debated on if I should post this, and I debated where I would post it. I went back and forth. A struggle is a struggle and I guess, my idea that getting this out there will force me to not only stay on track, but maybe, just maybe go see someone if this doesn't get better. (That someone being a doctor, not for some surgery, I am not that bad, but maybe I'm sick.)}

I'm fat. I'm not saying 'overweight' because I don't *feel* overweight. I feel fat. At this day, at this time, I am. I feel it. I see it. I'm not really sure what is going on. I wasn't eating crazy. I was still working out and running, but I've gained. This upsets me for lots of reasons. It's depressing and yet, the other day I thought of it like this....

I've been battling this for years. I win for a year or so, then I lose horribly. Here's the thing though, it's only been the past 12 years.

Growing up I certainly didn't think I was skinny. As the tallest girl, I was generally bigger than everyone else by default. My best friend was like a foot shorter than me starting in 3rd grade. So I always thought I was huge. I wasn't though. I wasn't even "plump" in any way. I was normal. A good size for a girl my height - just not anorexic thin.

I was like this until my son was born - and yes, I still believed I was huge. Oddly enough I wasn't...until I gave into that and actually became what I perceived.

So I am thinking of it this way. I have been in shape and 'not fat' more years than the other. There is no reason to give up. My body will just have to cave on these battles.

What's wrong with me (you)?

Friends are great. When we are feeling down, they are there for us. If we say we are ugly, they say no, you could be a model. When we have a bad hair day, they tell us they envy it. If we feel fat, they tell us we are just fine. If we feel like complete morons, they tell us we are lovable. That we are smart. We are capable. We can do anything. Friends are great about that.

There are times though, when it feels like there is no amount of complimenting someone can do. When you see something not going right in your life. That seems to be when you cry into the cosmos, "What's wrong with me!"

I was having a conversation with a friend tonight. We were talking about dating and about dating people that are either 'not quite right' or not for us. (My wording) When they were on one of these dates, they got the feeling that the person was asking them what was wrong with them. Why didn't they want to date them? Excuse the blurriness of this next part, because I can't remember if the person actually asked or not, but my friend proceeded to tell me why this person was undate-able.

This was both hilarious (because it wasn't me) and interesting. Why? Because, we've all wondered.

I'm single. I know I am a picky picky picky person when it comes to dating, but, I don't know, sometimes I feel like something is wrong with me. Why don't the people I want to date, want to date me too? Maybe it's the way I learn, but sometimes I have to be told the answers so I can work on them and remember them. Like a test in High School. If I did poorly a test, I had to know all the things I did wrong, and the next time, 100%. So wouldn't it be nice, if once in a while, someone *did* let you know?

The other side of that coin of course is SOMEONE WOULD LET ME KNOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!

If any of you are like me, you have things about yourself you don't like. These might be the things you blame things on. I couldn't tell you if it would be better or worse to have those fears verified, or heaven forbid, flaws you never even knew about told to you.

So, I guess that is why we don't tell people what is wrong with them. Instead, we all just wonder what our flaws are. Why we aren't good enough for this person or what have you. Why does friend A not want to be friends with me, they are friends with friend C. These might be questions best not answered.

....I'd still like to know though. lol

We all have our stories

We all have our stories. Those stories we've told over and over that, despite certain facts missing, or things altered a bit, have become fact. A story, that even if someone was there with you, you've told it your way so many times, it's now the truth. No question. New people come into our lives to tell the story to and 'impress'. Even we forget that we've changed it...if we ever noticed in the first place.

I have a friend that always tells this story about a business. How they hate them with a blinding passion. The story they tell is one that states they have only gone here twice and it was such a horrible experience all around, that they will never go back and they never have. Thing is, while I was clearing my voice mail (something I rarely do, and thus the thing is full all the time) of a few messages (because I only do a few at a time, can't clear the whole thing!) and there was a message from this friend, telling me they were driving home after grabbing food at this establishment. Oddly, there are two messages with similar tales (both gone now from voice mail lol). I heard those messages. I remember getting them, yet when this person tells the story of righteous anger and boycott, I believe with faith that they are telling the truth. This person has never gone except for the times described in their story. It's their story. They like to tell it.

Who am I to call bs on it? It's not going to hurt anyone in anyway, so I will not mention it (well, except in this blog lol).

I know I have those stories too. I don't realize the fact here and there that I leave out of a story that makes the story 1) not as interesting and 2) might make me look bad/stupid/mean. No, I am not going to give any examples, and not for the reason you might be thinking. I would be all about showing you how I have altered my own history when I talk to people, but honestly, I don't think of them until someone mentions something.

I know I was talking to someone the other day about working in the pizza places years ago. They, oddly enough, worked for the same chain in another state. We were talking about our experiences, and I shit you not, she mentioned something (no, still can't remember) and I started laughing because I had totally forgotten about it and how it effected me. I remember telling her the story, because she would understand it, but I also remember thinking, "You know, none of my current friends would probably understand this...and God only knows how they would take it." So I am pretty sure that is why my mind filed it away in the 'stories you are going to tell differently'.

We can all alter our history. New people give us a chance to be a better person then we were. We made the right choice that day. We ignored the comments that other day. We are *amazing*. I don't blame anyone for it either...unless, like I think I alluded to, it is actually detrimental (you killed someone, you left out you had a family, you are running from the law...).

We all have our stories.

....lol any you can think of you'd care to share?

You're not supposed to care

"Don't look over here!" First thing you do is look. It's like the natural instinct is to find out why for ourselves...or just be defiant. I think the same thing happens when someone, or even yourself, tells you aren't supposed to care about something. Aren't supposed to think about something. It becomes an almost focus. You think about how you shouldn't think about it. Which leads you to realize you are thinking about it, and thus, that you shouldn't think about it. Its a fun little spiral that the universe has popped into our brains. I'm not entirely sure what that point of this evolutionary trait is/was good for.

I do know though, when you are not supposed to care about something, you usually do.

Perceptions

Perception is such a funny thing. I think it ranks up there with interpretation. I understand, that in some cases, those two words are interchangeable with no issues. I'm not thinking about how I might take something someone has written and what it means. I am talking about how people interact and how that makes people feel. What they see. What I see. Individual perception of events.

This all goes along with my belief that nothing is ever caused by just one thing, that there are many reasons for everything most of the time.

There is a saying that goes somewhat like 'the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results'. This core plays with each of our perceptions of what is happening to us. What a situation means.

For me, if I try talking to someone a few times with no response, I can take that to mean a few things. The person is busy and will get back to me. The person never got any of my messages. The person doesn't really want to talk to me. The person doesn't want to talk to me because I have wronged them in some way. My perception over time has changed on this, because a few years ago, I would have simply chalked it up to the person hating me and not wanting to talk to me because I was annoying. For others, this wouldn't even register for a second thought. Perception.

Perception plays a role in how we interact with others, what we think a situation means for us. I can be very shy, to the point of seeming, well, like either I don't know how to talk, I have nothing to day, or I am a bitch who won't talk to you. Depending, of course, on how you have interacted with people in your life, will give you that perception of me that makes since. It doesn't matter that I am simply shy and, yeah, when I get there my mind goes blank and I have nothing to say. lol I can see this in how people treat me and if they keep giving me chances. Knowing this of myself, I am generally more likely to perceive someone as shy and quiet the first time (unless faces are made, and then, well... lol)

What might seem like a simple conversation to one person, can be perceived by the other as something so much more. I have a friend that tells me about her relationship sometimes, and I often hear the words of 'I was tired and I was just saying what I was thinking and he perceived it as me being mean or uncaring.' Why? Well, it often stems from his past experience.

Perception is a funny thing only because the same thing can look so different to two people involved. Its a date or its just hanging out. Its a slight, its just a long day. It's being lazy or it's being terrified to lose. It's not being involved or being afraid to and not knowing what to do.

We all hold our own perception of the world. What works for us. What makes sense.