But its one that I need to write. I've thought about it a lot, and I'm hoping it helps. idk. So, who knows how I will keep up on all of these I've started.
If only life would let me streamline emotions.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
I'm sort of speechless
I have some blogs I have been working on, but really, I am not in the mood to finish them. I'm just sort of...done. I don't want to deal with anything anymore. This week has been too much. Could everyone and everything just give me a little break? Breathing room? Fuck, if fate can't see fit to provide for me the one thing I could really use at the moment...ugh. I already tried to sleep. No dice. Maybe tomorrow will be better. God I hope so. For now though, just, ugh, be happy with your lives. That's what Caroline is thinking.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Today has me exhausted
Everything. Physically, mentally, spirtiually. All tired.
Had a disagreement with the boy last night, and I don't like arguing. I don't like having to prove a point to a child. I don't want to be the mean mom. Even if I have to sometimes. Last night was one of them. Think it tapered off into the morning. Just a feeling of 'blah'.
Too many things personally floating in around in my mind. I want the mind to just stop thinking for a while and leave my heart alone.
Work. Work is killing me from the inside out. I know my migraines are stronger when work stupidity plays a stronger role. I know my stomach ties in knots. I know I lose the will to want to do anything or talk to anyone. But what am I supposed to do? I can't just quit. I NEED to have a job. The child can't catch rabbits out back for dinner and the landlord doesn't except my homework from the 3rd grade for rent.
Today was a rough day. Weird ass meeting where a long list of don'ts was given. A long list. Almost a full hour. I don't know, on some things, I could understand but on others? Its just power tripping. I had a private meeting with my boss, and even she admitted that work was getting done. People were working. Yet, with all these new 'rules' you would think it wasn't. And that is both insulting and annoying.
She also led me to believe that someone that was following me on twitter is her friend or something. She "caught me tweeting". Wtf? Seriously? *note: ONE tweet* You have no idea what is intailed if you think that is going to cause actual problems. But whatever. There were also some personal...attacks?...at me yet again. Its really starting to piss me off. Especially since I am pretty sure where some of this is coming for and I have no recourse to fight against someone who has wrapped a dr around their finger. I am so tired of dealing with all the bullshit.
Granted, the meeting went a lot better then I expected..but I also think its because with them, I always expect the worst. How is that a way to work?
After all that all day, I went and helped some friends move stuff in their house in preperation for the new baby. Its an illness, I love helping people. Its a nice feeling to know that you could help make someone's life a little easier for a bit.
Add to that, I can't expect people to help me if I never help them right? I may be a hypocrite on some things, but try not to on that.
I was going to hang out with a friend tonight and 'discuss' the day's events, but she got busy. Which turned out to be ok, because that let me go to the gym. Where my legs that were already sore from softball yesterday and the going up and down the stairs at my friends' were not overly amused by the idea. I needed to go though and it helped clear my head a bit.
Over all Caroline has some more questions. Yeah more questions, she never has those. She things it will all be ok. She knows some things would be ok if she could just keep her mind quiet. lol Sleep will refresh though, and tomorrow is another day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The windows finally drawn
The darkness finally settled
The cushions arainged artfully
The stage is set
The greatest, most unpredictable show
Is a bout to begin
As soon as the mind follows
The body
Had a disagreement with the boy last night, and I don't like arguing. I don't like having to prove a point to a child. I don't want to be the mean mom. Even if I have to sometimes. Last night was one of them. Think it tapered off into the morning. Just a feeling of 'blah'.
Too many things personally floating in around in my mind. I want the mind to just stop thinking for a while and leave my heart alone.
Work. Work is killing me from the inside out. I know my migraines are stronger when work stupidity plays a stronger role. I know my stomach ties in knots. I know I lose the will to want to do anything or talk to anyone. But what am I supposed to do? I can't just quit. I NEED to have a job. The child can't catch rabbits out back for dinner and the landlord doesn't except my homework from the 3rd grade for rent.
Today was a rough day. Weird ass meeting where a long list of don'ts was given. A long list. Almost a full hour. I don't know, on some things, I could understand but on others? Its just power tripping. I had a private meeting with my boss, and even she admitted that work was getting done. People were working. Yet, with all these new 'rules' you would think it wasn't. And that is both insulting and annoying.
She also led me to believe that someone that was following me on twitter is her friend or something. She "caught me tweeting". Wtf? Seriously? *note: ONE tweet* You have no idea what is intailed if you think that is going to cause actual problems. But whatever. There were also some personal...attacks?...at me yet again. Its really starting to piss me off. Especially since I am pretty sure where some of this is coming for and I have no recourse to fight against someone who has wrapped a dr around their finger. I am so tired of dealing with all the bullshit.
Granted, the meeting went a lot better then I expected..but I also think its because with them, I always expect the worst. How is that a way to work?
After all that all day, I went and helped some friends move stuff in their house in preperation for the new baby. Its an illness, I love helping people. Its a nice feeling to know that you could help make someone's life a little easier for a bit.
Add to that, I can't expect people to help me if I never help them right? I may be a hypocrite on some things, but try not to on that.
I was going to hang out with a friend tonight and 'discuss' the day's events, but she got busy. Which turned out to be ok, because that let me go to the gym. Where my legs that were already sore from softball yesterday and the going up and down the stairs at my friends' were not overly amused by the idea. I needed to go though and it helped clear my head a bit.
Over all Caroline has some more questions. Yeah more questions, she never has those. She things it will all be ok. She knows some things would be ok if she could just keep her mind quiet. lol Sleep will refresh though, and tomorrow is another day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The windows finally drawn
The darkness finally settled
The cushions arainged artfully
The stage is set
The greatest, most unpredictable show
Is a bout to begin
As soon as the mind follows
The body
Sunday, August 23, 2009
I am who I am, and some things don't change.
Over the course of my life I've changed. I may not think about something the same way. I change my hair, what I like to eat, how I believe, and what I am interested in. I believe this is natural. People change. You change. (Whether you want to or not.) However, I think, that there are sometimes aspects of ourselves, that no matter what happens, or how we try, they are almost fundamental to our beings. Sure, they could be changed along with everything else, but at the base of it, they sort of make up who you are. These odd little basics of our beings are different for everyone.
I love seeing people I know and don't know, work at change in their lives. I love to encounter new people and see those things that work in their lives. I have found gateways to many new habits this way. Oftentimes, I will even try to take up a habit that goes against my grain. I figure if it works for them, it can work for me too. Right?
Wrong.
Over the past year, I seem to be meeting more and more 'morning' people. Early to bed, early to rise. I see nothing wrong with this. Mornings are beauty times of the day. The quiet. Ya know, because everyone else is asleep. Recently another friend who had been a late night person, changed their schedule to be the reverse. In a way, I am shocked and jealous of this. Because that never worked for me.
Every once in a while I meet someone, who in a way, inspires me to change me. Three times I was 'inspired' to be a morning person. The idea of it was so inspiring. Night people always get this 'I pity you' look from others, so I tried. Three times. For months. I was miserable.
I wasn't able to do anything in the morning but stare. Just because I was awake, doesn't mean I was awake. I would try to go work out and found that yoga poses that I could rock in the evening I could barely even attempt to move into. Writing that I wanted to get done seemed even more like drivel. To put it simply, it didn't matter how much sleep I was getting, my body and mind did not see any reason to be a functioning morning person.
After the last time I tried, I realized that I am a night person to the core. I accept this. I embrace this. It is who I am. When people describe me, they can know that will be a constant. "Caroline does not like early mornings and she can stay up very late if needed." I am ok with this. Sure, I miss out on the early morning bike rides or the trips to the coffee shops before work...but I get to sleep. lol I enjoy all that night has to offer me. To me, its a quiet time of reflection and a window to the unending mystery of space (which to me inspires the feeling of all the possibilities in life). Not everyone feels this way. I am ok with that too.
My other defining characteristic I suppose is Coke. I drink it...and I need it. This I think puts in people's minds that I am an endless drinker of it. That there is always one in my hand and I must have one every day. Years ago, I would have agreed, but ya know what, that much soda will kill you or at least make you sick. I know that. I didn't want to have ulcers or have Coke be my 'water'. I cut back. Actually, I tried to stop completely a few times because I thought it would be in my best interest. It wasn't. (Except durning my pregnacy, in which I actually drank NO caffeen what so ever. Weird. I went cold turkey and was OK....as ok as a pregnant woman can be. lol) I like it, and I, for myself, see no reason to stop drinking it. Moderation being the key most days.
I almost feel guilty sometimes because I have friends who I have known through the years who either never drank soda or were trying to give it up,and here I am, drinking it with no qualms. I don't think I am tempting them, its more of a 'how low am I to still be drinking this horrible concotion'. Sometimes I would try to stop drinking with them. I find now that this is a pointless endevor for me. That and I am stubborn, the more you tell me I can't have something, the more I have to have it. In the interest of my health (because I had been truely and fully addicted to it for a while. I had to have one every few hours. First thing in the morning. Every meal...) I cut myself back to one a day. That was hard, and friends didn't talk to me for a while because I was seriously going through withdrawl.
Then I worked on 'drowning' the Coke out of my system with water. For every ounce of Coke, I drank 2oz of water. Let me tell you, you cut back fast. But I also felt better. It wasn't because of the lack of Coke though, it was the water. I substituted my water for Coke so often I didn't realize. Now I may or may not have a Coke a day.
On stressful or migraine days, there is no question, there will be a Coke around, but overall, its a give or take. I like that control over it. lol I also like people not realizing that. Why? Because it is who I am. I like my Coke, just like I like my late nights, I have tried to give it up, but, idk, its become a part of me. Of who I am, who I am identified with. Sure, sometimes I will roll my eyes internally, but...its me.
I also like seeing the physical reminders of my past. Its so much stronger than any mental memory. As such, I keep things...everything. lol I do get rid of somethings, but I know I am a 'collector'. Sometimes I wish for the bareness of my room or living room, but when I sit and look around trying to figure out what to get rid of...nothing comes to mind. Its annoying, but that is me as well. I have stuff. Although I am always willing to let my friends adopt my stuff. :) This is a part of me that has never waivered.
I also love activity. I know, you don't believe that by looking at me, but I am the friend that is always doing something. Working out, playing a game, going for walk. Physicial activity. I like that my friends know that about me too...and I don't plan on changing that either. The two times I did they were horrible horrible years.
Caroline is thinking that, there are lots of things she would like to change about herself, but there are a few she can't/won't change because they make up who she is. It would be like meeting a stranger. Day and night people are different, they see things differently, changing that changes you. lol She won't lie, she when she sees people changing she sees the world as a big tug of war between night and day people and sees the night people losing. :) Its awesome when someone can change that about themselves. Changing your internal schedule is not an easy thing to do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So easily I think I could lie
And say the little things
No longer matter and are ignored
But everyday the little things
Are the things that have me floored
Thing is, they aren't expected
I work on getting a handle
On all the big things all the time
Focused on making things right
Aware of the big things all the time
That I leave nothing left for the little fight
I love seeing people I know and don't know, work at change in their lives. I love to encounter new people and see those things that work in their lives. I have found gateways to many new habits this way. Oftentimes, I will even try to take up a habit that goes against my grain. I figure if it works for them, it can work for me too. Right?
Wrong.
Over the past year, I seem to be meeting more and more 'morning' people. Early to bed, early to rise. I see nothing wrong with this. Mornings are beauty times of the day. The quiet. Ya know, because everyone else is asleep. Recently another friend who had been a late night person, changed their schedule to be the reverse. In a way, I am shocked and jealous of this. Because that never worked for me.
Every once in a while I meet someone, who in a way, inspires me to change me. Three times I was 'inspired' to be a morning person. The idea of it was so inspiring. Night people always get this 'I pity you' look from others, so I tried. Three times. For months. I was miserable.
I wasn't able to do anything in the morning but stare. Just because I was awake, doesn't mean I was awake. I would try to go work out and found that yoga poses that I could rock in the evening I could barely even attempt to move into. Writing that I wanted to get done seemed even more like drivel. To put it simply, it didn't matter how much sleep I was getting, my body and mind did not see any reason to be a functioning morning person.
After the last time I tried, I realized that I am a night person to the core. I accept this. I embrace this. It is who I am. When people describe me, they can know that will be a constant. "Caroline does not like early mornings and she can stay up very late if needed." I am ok with this. Sure, I miss out on the early morning bike rides or the trips to the coffee shops before work...but I get to sleep. lol I enjoy all that night has to offer me. To me, its a quiet time of reflection and a window to the unending mystery of space (which to me inspires the feeling of all the possibilities in life). Not everyone feels this way. I am ok with that too.
My other defining characteristic I suppose is Coke. I drink it...and I need it. This I think puts in people's minds that I am an endless drinker of it. That there is always one in my hand and I must have one every day. Years ago, I would have agreed, but ya know what, that much soda will kill you or at least make you sick. I know that. I didn't want to have ulcers or have Coke be my 'water'. I cut back. Actually, I tried to stop completely a few times because I thought it would be in my best interest. It wasn't. (Except durning my pregnacy, in which I actually drank NO caffeen what so ever. Weird. I went cold turkey and was OK....as ok as a pregnant woman can be. lol) I like it, and I, for myself, see no reason to stop drinking it. Moderation being the key most days.
I almost feel guilty sometimes because I have friends who I have known through the years who either never drank soda or were trying to give it up,and here I am, drinking it with no qualms. I don't think I am tempting them, its more of a 'how low am I to still be drinking this horrible concotion'. Sometimes I would try to stop drinking with them. I find now that this is a pointless endevor for me. That and I am stubborn, the more you tell me I can't have something, the more I have to have it. In the interest of my health (because I had been truely and fully addicted to it for a while. I had to have one every few hours. First thing in the morning. Every meal...) I cut myself back to one a day. That was hard, and friends didn't talk to me for a while because I was seriously going through withdrawl.
Then I worked on 'drowning' the Coke out of my system with water. For every ounce of Coke, I drank 2oz of water. Let me tell you, you cut back fast. But I also felt better. It wasn't because of the lack of Coke though, it was the water. I substituted my water for Coke so often I didn't realize. Now I may or may not have a Coke a day.
On stressful or migraine days, there is no question, there will be a Coke around, but overall, its a give or take. I like that control over it. lol I also like people not realizing that. Why? Because it is who I am. I like my Coke, just like I like my late nights, I have tried to give it up, but, idk, its become a part of me. Of who I am, who I am identified with. Sure, sometimes I will roll my eyes internally, but...its me.
I also like seeing the physical reminders of my past. Its so much stronger than any mental memory. As such, I keep things...everything. lol I do get rid of somethings, but I know I am a 'collector'. Sometimes I wish for the bareness of my room or living room, but when I sit and look around trying to figure out what to get rid of...nothing comes to mind. Its annoying, but that is me as well. I have stuff. Although I am always willing to let my friends adopt my stuff. :) This is a part of me that has never waivered.
I also love activity. I know, you don't believe that by looking at me, but I am the friend that is always doing something. Working out, playing a game, going for walk. Physicial activity. I like that my friends know that about me too...and I don't plan on changing that either. The two times I did they were horrible horrible years.
Caroline is thinking that, there are lots of things she would like to change about herself, but there are a few she can't/won't change because they make up who she is. It would be like meeting a stranger. Day and night people are different, they see things differently, changing that changes you. lol She won't lie, she when she sees people changing she sees the world as a big tug of war between night and day people and sees the night people losing. :) Its awesome when someone can change that about themselves. Changing your internal schedule is not an easy thing to do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So easily I think I could lie
And say the little things
No longer matter and are ignored
But everyday the little things
Are the things that have me floored
Thing is, they aren't expected
I work on getting a handle
On all the big things all the time
Focused on making things right
Aware of the big things all the time
That I leave nothing left for the little fight
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Is that people come into our lives for a reason...and usually not the one we think
I won't lie, I have always hated the saying that people come in and out of our lives for a reason. Think it is mainly because if I allowed you into my life, it means I wanted you there, why on Earth would I want you to leave? Sounds like something someone made up to make someone else feel better when someone left.
But its true.
Let me give you a weird dynamic that shows this.
Years ago, I thought I had fallen in love with a guy. It was one of those guys who had major flaws, I saw those major flaws, but I thought (kept thinking/lying to myself...) there was more too him. (Yes, I was wrong.) Anyway, as a result of one of the most bizarre relationships ever, I had a son. As a result of having said child, I stopped talking to virtually all of our mutual friends. I cut myself off. People I had talked to everyday and/or hung out with on the weekends, I retreated from. I lost touch with some really great people.
Jump forward a few years. Obviously I had some contact with the guy. Intermittent as it was. Then, as was his nature, he started getting weird/selfish again. I had gotten a glimpse into what he had been doing for those few years apart though. So I was privy to the situation in which one of his acts of selfishness caused another one of his exes to write a...well, very blunt blog telling him off. This blog was too..something..to ignore. So I contacted her. Crazy, I know. Yet from that, I formed a great friendship with an awesome girl who I am still friends with today. Because of her involvement with my ex, she knew quite a few of my old friends and by twist of fate, I was 'reunited' with one of them. I have now regained that friendship and his wife's friendship as well.
Call it evil...or slightly tipsy 'lets see what the hell kind of havoc we can play on him since he did so much with ours'...one night while me and my new friend were hanging out, we called him...sneakily...and we sort of...sprang our friendship on him. Imagine, two of your exes, one the mother of your child, the other an ex-fiance, hanging out....talking. (evil giggle here now. sorry. lol moving on...) Later that week he called me up to talk. It was strange because, at the time, it sounded like one of his cop outs; however, now, whether it was or not, I have to tag truth to it. He said that for everything we'd gone through, perhaps this was where it was supposed to lead. We were too different to ever make it work, but maybe he was in my life to bring me A, and then for A to bring me S & R. That was his role to play. (Yeah, he never mentioned P, but we aren't going there.) That for this whole crazy road we had been on, his actual role was to bring me these awesome people.
I don't know, but sometimes, I feel myself agreeing.
There are people who I have met, who at the time I thought things would go one way, yet they always end up as just friends. Yes, yes, this completely vexes and pisses me off sometimes, but...perhaps its all for a reason, ya know?
There are people we meet who we think we will be friends with forever. Yet, we see years down the road, they were there to introduce us to one of their friends, or them to one of ours.
One of my best friends, after a weird beginning, met her husband through me. I am both humbled and amazed by that. Had we not been friends....wow. She is, however, still friends with me...so far. lol
This makes me wonder then (and it makes me a little afraid too) if all those in my life right now are supposed to be there for the long haul, or if they are just here now to play a role. To teach me something. To introduce me to someone. For me to introduce them to someone. I know a few of my current friends are not where I thought they would be in my life right now, so how can we possibly know.
Caroline is thinking that, she's grateful for all the people she's met in her life, and all the little (or big) reasons that came along with them. She looks forward to seeing what the current ones have in store for her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The sound surrounds
Seemingly so loud
Cutting off all distraction
Beyond that of
The falling water
Thoughts are left
To play center stage
So clear in the
Deafening noise
The cool of the metal
on the skin
Clashes with the
Heat of the water
It streams down
Creating a barrier
Between the head
And the world
A gentle massage
Telling you to think
To let it out
To relax
But its true.
Let me give you a weird dynamic that shows this.
Years ago, I thought I had fallen in love with a guy. It was one of those guys who had major flaws, I saw those major flaws, but I thought (kept thinking/lying to myself...) there was more too him. (Yes, I was wrong.) Anyway, as a result of one of the most bizarre relationships ever, I had a son. As a result of having said child, I stopped talking to virtually all of our mutual friends. I cut myself off. People I had talked to everyday and/or hung out with on the weekends, I retreated from. I lost touch with some really great people.
Jump forward a few years. Obviously I had some contact with the guy. Intermittent as it was. Then, as was his nature, he started getting weird/selfish again. I had gotten a glimpse into what he had been doing for those few years apart though. So I was privy to the situation in which one of his acts of selfishness caused another one of his exes to write a...well, very blunt blog telling him off. This blog was too..something..to ignore. So I contacted her. Crazy, I know. Yet from that, I formed a great friendship with an awesome girl who I am still friends with today. Because of her involvement with my ex, she knew quite a few of my old friends and by twist of fate, I was 'reunited' with one of them. I have now regained that friendship and his wife's friendship as well.
Call it evil...or slightly tipsy 'lets see what the hell kind of havoc we can play on him since he did so much with ours'...one night while me and my new friend were hanging out, we called him...sneakily...and we sort of...sprang our friendship on him. Imagine, two of your exes, one the mother of your child, the other an ex-fiance, hanging out....talking. (evil giggle here now. sorry. lol moving on...) Later that week he called me up to talk. It was strange because, at the time, it sounded like one of his cop outs; however, now, whether it was or not, I have to tag truth to it. He said that for everything we'd gone through, perhaps this was where it was supposed to lead. We were too different to ever make it work, but maybe he was in my life to bring me A, and then for A to bring me S & R. That was his role to play. (Yeah, he never mentioned P, but we aren't going there.) That for this whole crazy road we had been on, his actual role was to bring me these awesome people.
I don't know, but sometimes, I feel myself agreeing.
There are people who I have met, who at the time I thought things would go one way, yet they always end up as just friends. Yes, yes, this completely vexes and pisses me off sometimes, but...perhaps its all for a reason, ya know?
There are people we meet who we think we will be friends with forever. Yet, we see years down the road, they were there to introduce us to one of their friends, or them to one of ours.
One of my best friends, after a weird beginning, met her husband through me. I am both humbled and amazed by that. Had we not been friends....wow. She is, however, still friends with me...so far. lol
This makes me wonder then (and it makes me a little afraid too) if all those in my life right now are supposed to be there for the long haul, or if they are just here now to play a role. To teach me something. To introduce me to someone. For me to introduce them to someone. I know a few of my current friends are not where I thought they would be in my life right now, so how can we possibly know.
Caroline is thinking that, she's grateful for all the people she's met in her life, and all the little (or big) reasons that came along with them. She looks forward to seeing what the current ones have in store for her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The sound surrounds
Seemingly so loud
Cutting off all distraction
Beyond that of
The falling water
Thoughts are left
To play center stage
So clear in the
Deafening noise
The cool of the metal
on the skin
Clashes with the
Heat of the water
It streams down
Creating a barrier
Between the head
And the world
A gentle massage
Telling you to think
To let it out
To relax
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
About making choices
Currently the desire to run to the store and buy a pint of ice cream (with the purpose of only eating 1/4th of it of course) is damn near overwhelming. Ice cream is my comfort food for all seasons. Sick, worrisome, angry, depresses, happy...all better with ice cream. Or at least somewhere in my life I associated that with it. I would really rather not blow my entire run tonight with eating ice cream...even if it would make me feel better. lol
Why do I need ice cream? Only because my mind won't simply shut up. It keeps going over things over and over and over. It is forcing me to think of new strategies and such. Its telling me I have some choices to make. I hate making choices that involve me personally. Mainly because when it involves me and my personal life, I choose poorly. Even when I am SURE I am choosing right.
Is it any wonder that I have issues with this?
Caroline is thinking that she would rather things just work out for her for once so she didn't HAVE to make choices. That the right thing would just fall in her lap. Ok, so she probably wouldn't appreciate that as much as something she has to fight for...but she wouldn't mind fighting a fight for something that was going to work out for her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Journeys back home
Have a way of distorting
All of the memories
That we hold
With the changing
Of our perspectives
Comes a change in our eyes
That makes the past
More surreal and made up
Memories have to be
Defended against imagination
Forgotten hopes
Take passing looks
Into our visiting soul
Journeys back home
Have a way of distorting
All of our memories
But they also
Show us hope
Of all those still to come
(To my friend traveling back home this weekend, have fun!)
Why do I need ice cream? Only because my mind won't simply shut up. It keeps going over things over and over and over. It is forcing me to think of new strategies and such. Its telling me I have some choices to make. I hate making choices that involve me personally. Mainly because when it involves me and my personal life, I choose poorly. Even when I am SURE I am choosing right.
Is it any wonder that I have issues with this?
Caroline is thinking that she would rather things just work out for her for once so she didn't HAVE to make choices. That the right thing would just fall in her lap. Ok, so she probably wouldn't appreciate that as much as something she has to fight for...but she wouldn't mind fighting a fight for something that was going to work out for her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Journeys back home
Have a way of distorting
All of the memories
That we hold
With the changing
Of our perspectives
Comes a change in our eyes
That makes the past
More surreal and made up
Memories have to be
Defended against imagination
Forgotten hopes
Take passing looks
Into our visiting soul
Journeys back home
Have a way of distorting
All of our memories
But they also
Show us hope
Of all those still to come
(To my friend traveling back home this weekend, have fun!)
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
That school starts tomorrow
It seems like it was a pretty short summer to tell the truth. Granted, I didn't have any time off, but its like he just got out of school...and now he's going back.
Parts of me are happy because this means I can get back on my schedule. I can get things done at lunch again. And maybe, just maybe, when I clean the house, it will stay that way for at least a day. lol
Its the 5th grade though. I REMEMBER the 5th grade. I didn't seem like that long ago to ME. So this is weird. He's growing up and all I can think of are all the things I haven't taught him or that he hasn't experienced yet. 7 more years and he is done! That's just pure crazy talk there. Ugh
Here's another thing though, my son is not like me. He doesn't like school, pretty much at all. Recess and gym are not strong enough incentives for him to want to go. Friends either (because you can't just play with them all day, you have to do work!). On this note, I do feel a bit for him, school is not for everyone. However, the literary side of me is screaming for joy because he will be at least forced to read and learn and experience. Who knows, maybe he will come around and end up liking school too. It took me a few years to like it....
School also brings for me, that added stress of 'what am I doing wrong now.' I'm not a stay at home mom. I work. A lot. And I have a shitty schedule. So its me. My parents, God love em, help as much as they can but...idk, I always feel its not enough. That and I am still not used to public schools at all and they are totally bewildering to me. lol
Ah, guess we can cross that bridge when it gets here right? Otherwise, the boy and I had a good talk tonight about school. He's nervous about it. I hope I talked him down. All the new supplies are at school waiting for him along with his new teacher, who seemed nice. Hoping for a good start to the year. Please God let it be a good year. :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The eyes said so much
That the mind didn't
Know how to say
The hope and fear
The questions
A simple turn of the head
Made it all clear
And that's when a hug
Said what the heart
Didn't know how to say.
Parts of me are happy because this means I can get back on my schedule. I can get things done at lunch again. And maybe, just maybe, when I clean the house, it will stay that way for at least a day. lol
Its the 5th grade though. I REMEMBER the 5th grade. I didn't seem like that long ago to ME. So this is weird. He's growing up and all I can think of are all the things I haven't taught him or that he hasn't experienced yet. 7 more years and he is done! That's just pure crazy talk there. Ugh
Here's another thing though, my son is not like me. He doesn't like school, pretty much at all. Recess and gym are not strong enough incentives for him to want to go. Friends either (because you can't just play with them all day, you have to do work!). On this note, I do feel a bit for him, school is not for everyone. However, the literary side of me is screaming for joy because he will be at least forced to read and learn and experience. Who knows, maybe he will come around and end up liking school too. It took me a few years to like it....
School also brings for me, that added stress of 'what am I doing wrong now.' I'm not a stay at home mom. I work. A lot. And I have a shitty schedule. So its me. My parents, God love em, help as much as they can but...idk, I always feel its not enough. That and I am still not used to public schools at all and they are totally bewildering to me. lol
Ah, guess we can cross that bridge when it gets here right? Otherwise, the boy and I had a good talk tonight about school. He's nervous about it. I hope I talked him down. All the new supplies are at school waiting for him along with his new teacher, who seemed nice. Hoping for a good start to the year. Please God let it be a good year. :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The eyes said so much
That the mind didn't
Know how to say
The hope and fear
The questions
A simple turn of the head
Made it all clear
And that's when a hug
Said what the heart
Didn't know how to say.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Is about stories to share
She looked down at the speedometer, her mind had wandered and now she was only going 4 over the speed limit. Not quite the speedster that she usually is. Where is my head today? echoed in her mind. The constant whirl of the tires and the intermittent thump from the bumps in the road did nothing to keep her mind on the present. The radio had been turned down to a bare whisper minutes before, when it was noticed that each song seemed to hold yet another message that she longed to share or an emotion that she was wrestling with.
"Tell me a story," she asked.
A questioning feeling floated back in reply to her request. Oh well..
"About what?"
"It doesn't matter. Just make something up."
"I don't know if I could do that..."
She looked up, hoping for some sign that could ease her mind.
"Tell me about a cloud." Pointing out the windshield to the only cloud in the sky. "Tell me about that cloud." Miles away, and solitary, but the gray bunching at the bottom made the cloud seem strong.
"Hmmm, well, his name is Bob."
"Bob?"
"Yes, and he is a very old cloud. Thousands of years old."
"I see."
"Bob doesn't have many friends. Just a few other clouds. They live over in India and China and Antartica."
"Wow, that's far...does he see them often?"
"No, sadly not. He has to work and so do they. They have to water the world."
She could see him looking out the window, looking for something else to share about Bob. Its not easy to make up a story on the spot, she knew, but he seemed to be doing well. At the least, he was making her smile and forget her problems for a bit.
"Bob loves to watch trees and people. He looks down on them and likes to see all the people mowing their lawns."
"Why is that?"
"Because that's what he likes."
Of course she thinks.
For the first time that week, she feels peaceful. A simple story about a cloud seems to make her troubles go to the back of her mind. Her grin is genuine. She's not sure that if she told him how wonderful his quick little story was, he would believe her.
Silence drifts back. The low mummer of the radio and the contact of the wheels on the pavement dominate the interior again. Sighing at how sort lived that moment was, she looks back at the instruments on the dashboard.
"That tree over there...that tree's name is Bob too..."
She smiles again, perhaps he knows how good a story teller he is after all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Silently the cursor blinks
Yet the blinking seems louder
Than any train passing by
The reply is blank still
The question asked
And emptiness has been given back
Looking away seems like
It would be a simple answer
But like a giant light
In the middle of a dark field
It draws the mind back
Like a multicolored bug
"Tell me a story," she asked.
A questioning feeling floated back in reply to her request. Oh well..
"About what?"
"It doesn't matter. Just make something up."
"I don't know if I could do that..."
She looked up, hoping for some sign that could ease her mind.
"Tell me about a cloud." Pointing out the windshield to the only cloud in the sky. "Tell me about that cloud." Miles away, and solitary, but the gray bunching at the bottom made the cloud seem strong.
"Hmmm, well, his name is Bob."
"Bob?"
"Yes, and he is a very old cloud. Thousands of years old."
"I see."
"Bob doesn't have many friends. Just a few other clouds. They live over in India and China and Antartica."
"Wow, that's far...does he see them often?"
"No, sadly not. He has to work and so do they. They have to water the world."
She could see him looking out the window, looking for something else to share about Bob. Its not easy to make up a story on the spot, she knew, but he seemed to be doing well. At the least, he was making her smile and forget her problems for a bit.
"Bob loves to watch trees and people. He looks down on them and likes to see all the people mowing their lawns."
"Why is that?"
"Because that's what he likes."
Of course she thinks.
For the first time that week, she feels peaceful. A simple story about a cloud seems to make her troubles go to the back of her mind. Her grin is genuine. She's not sure that if she told him how wonderful his quick little story was, he would believe her.
Silence drifts back. The low mummer of the radio and the contact of the wheels on the pavement dominate the interior again. Sighing at how sort lived that moment was, she looks back at the instruments on the dashboard.
"That tree over there...that tree's name is Bob too..."
She smiles again, perhaps he knows how good a story teller he is after all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Silently the cursor blinks
Yet the blinking seems louder
Than any train passing by
The reply is blank still
The question asked
And emptiness has been given back
Looking away seems like
It would be a simple answer
But like a giant light
In the middle of a dark field
It draws the mind back
Like a multicolored bug
Friday, August 7, 2009
Frick! Crap! Dang it!
So ever since I told people (you all reading this) that I had these goals..I've totally slacked on them. Go figure. grrrr Its like I fight myself on things I want. Totally annoying. Hoping to get on track tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow. If I say tonight I will just lose myself on tumblr or something like that. I'm annoyed though. I know I am doing it to myself. I am letting me distract me. I need to not do that.
I think I am slowly losing my motivation in one thing...and its spilling over into others. At least I can see that and will do my damnedest to stop it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Silently the night moves over
The breeze taking away the
Reminiscent of the day
With it the sounds of waking
And the hustle of traffic
To be replaced by the anxious bugs
And quiet still of the air
Reflection and hopes seem to
Thrive when the light of day
Has gone to sleep
Is it any wonder
Some of us long for this time
When the Earth rotates to darkness
I think I am slowly losing my motivation in one thing...and its spilling over into others. At least I can see that and will do my damnedest to stop it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Silently the night moves over
The breeze taking away the
Reminiscent of the day
With it the sounds of waking
And the hustle of traffic
To be replaced by the anxious bugs
And quiet still of the air
Reflection and hopes seem to
Thrive when the light of day
Has gone to sleep
Is it any wonder
Some of us long for this time
When the Earth rotates to darkness
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Is that this is rather amusing
So, its near the end of the week and I'm taking it easy. I was going to skip posting today, but a friend sent me an email with a bunch of newspaper clippings. Now lots of these I had seen before (some of them I am not going to bother reposting), but some of them were new...and some were too funny to not see again. I feel the most sorry for the woman they reported as a prostitute...wonder if she got any interesting calls on that one. I may post more later when I am feeling lazy again. :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The crackle of electricity
Passes unseen by everyone
The spark at such a simple touch
Never ceases to amaze
Hard to believe such a feeling
Such a passing of energy
Between two souls
Is only experienced by one
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The crackle of electricity
Passes unseen by everyone
The spark at such a simple touch
Never ceases to amaze
Hard to believe such a feeling
Such a passing of energy
Between two souls
Is only experienced by one
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
I think too much. lol
Can't decide on what to talk about. Lots going through my mind and lots of ideas I want to finish or start. What did I do tonight though? Read. Granted, it was a riviting piece of work written by a friend. lol I think I lost 3/4 hours there. I am having to make myself stop. (That's a good sign btw. :) ) I will enjoy marking this off my list because it was totally enjoyable.
I had a good talk with a friend the other day. Lately I have been feeling like I am being too harsh in judging something or that my view of it was/is skewed. Thankfully(???) without me taking the lead, she said the things I was thinking. Agreed with the things I thought were wrong or messed up. Not sure if this backing will have me speaking up more on some matters, but at least I know its not just me...in a way though, I wish it had just been me, because that would make things better for other people. Reality is horrid ya know? lol
I was told by someone that a friend told them (that's not a confusing sentence lol) that they are no longing going to be going on a float trip with me this month. Then that person sounded like they were going to bail on it too. I still want to go though. I need my nature time. I'll just have to see if my other friends are still up for it. Or I can just go solo. lol It would not be the first time, nor will it be the last time, that I ended up doing something on my own because no one else was up for it. Just would change what I did and where I went. No worries though. :)
Caroline is thinking that she is really confused about some things right now. She wants this weird feeling of unease that has settled over everything and everyone she knows to move on and bother some other people for a while.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Utter Confusion
Hold on to me tight
And don't let go
But don't go to fast
You need to go slow
I need you by me
All of the time
You should know what I am thinking
Ignorance of that to me is a crime
But you can't really know me
No matter how you try
I want to know about you though
But you need to wait while I cry
I want to be with you
You know how the story goes
But I can't have a boring life
I need to keep you on your toes
I had a good talk with a friend the other day. Lately I have been feeling like I am being too harsh in judging something or that my view of it was/is skewed. Thankfully(???) without me taking the lead, she said the things I was thinking. Agreed with the things I thought were wrong or messed up. Not sure if this backing will have me speaking up more on some matters, but at least I know its not just me...in a way though, I wish it had just been me, because that would make things better for other people. Reality is horrid ya know? lol
I was told by someone that a friend told them (that's not a confusing sentence lol) that they are no longing going to be going on a float trip with me this month. Then that person sounded like they were going to bail on it too. I still want to go though. I need my nature time. I'll just have to see if my other friends are still up for it. Or I can just go solo. lol It would not be the first time, nor will it be the last time, that I ended up doing something on my own because no one else was up for it. Just would change what I did and where I went. No worries though. :)
Caroline is thinking that she is really confused about some things right now. She wants this weird feeling of unease that has settled over everything and everyone she knows to move on and bother some other people for a while.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Utter Confusion
Hold on to me tight
And don't let go
But don't go to fast
You need to go slow
I need you by me
All of the time
You should know what I am thinking
Ignorance of that to me is a crime
But you can't really know me
No matter how you try
I want to know about you though
But you need to wait while I cry
I want to be with you
You know how the story goes
But I can't have a boring life
I need to keep you on your toes
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
That I have always been a proponent of taking responsibilty for your own actions...
...Yet for some reason lately, Caroline has started to realize that she has taken too much of the blame in certain situations in her life. She is beginning to think that, yes, there are times where she can say, "I might have played a small role, but you messed up my life (or day or whatever)." She doesn't want to take the blame anymore, and realizes that she doesn't have to.
I've never been one to believe that things just happen or that one thing/person is to blame. I see the web surrounding it. The multiple causes. (There is a whole tangent on this one...) I also, like I said, am a firm believer in taking responsibility when you, yourself, mess up. It happens. It sucks, but it happens, so don't go blaming all your woes on someone else.
So for years, I have taken a personal blame for things. Its all my fault things turned out the way there are. I screwed up my life all on my own. In some areas, yeah, I let myself be guided away from my goals. However, as I was sitting in reflection on my life and where its going, where it could of been, and how I took it all, I got pissed. Not just sort of mad, pissed.
I did a good job of messing some things up, but this person...ugh, they had no soul. For years I have been 'upset' with them, and joked that they have no soul, but always felt that things were my fault really. If I had done this, if I had been like that, if if if. I hate ifs. In this situation I am done with them. They won't change anything. I think allowing myself to let go of the ifs, allowed me to be angry. I should have been angry years ago. There are reasons people called you demon.
And I blame you, sir for it. I blame you for taking away things in my life I worked so hard for. For making me believe that I wasn't good enough to do things. That the things I was working towards were useless. That I was only good enough for what you might deem to let me have. I blame you for getting me stuck here because of your damn selfishness and lies. I blame you. You didn't have to tell me the stories. You didn't have to fill my head with ideas that with you, everything was going to be ok. I had been doing fine without them. I would have preferred you hadn't shook my naivete in the world. Or my ability to trust blindly or believe the good things people say to me. I blame you for leaving me to believe when you said you would be there, you would.
Now I can be done with it. Or at least try to. I don't have to deal with you on a day to day basis, and I am no longer going to fear that it will ever change. I can tell you to take a flying leap should I need to. I no longer care how I live my life might effect yours. Congrats, you got me to blame someone for something.
I may feel guilty for saying it. (It may take me 2 weeks to finally post it with enough guts even though you will never see it.) I may cringe that I have actually blamed someone else for a road my life has taken, because I never have before. I think I need to though. I am starting with you.
(original post day 6-20-09)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Insomnia
I lay here, not able to sleep
Not quite able to cry.
I feel so empty, but also
So full of....something
I don't understand any of this
I want it all to go away
But that's a great fear all on its own
I don't know what I want
I don't know what I don't want
I don't think I want to be me
I am tired of myself
I am tired of my inability to
change the things I want to
I don't want uncertainty
I don't want the hard road anymore
I want to be able to rewrite parts
of my history
I want to be a me I can never be
The thoughts keep swirling
Making me tired,
but unable to sleep.
My soul is exhausted.
I've never been one to believe that things just happen or that one thing/person is to blame. I see the web surrounding it. The multiple causes. (There is a whole tangent on this one...) I also, like I said, am a firm believer in taking responsibility when you, yourself, mess up. It happens. It sucks, but it happens, so don't go blaming all your woes on someone else.
So for years, I have taken a personal blame for things. Its all my fault things turned out the way there are. I screwed up my life all on my own. In some areas, yeah, I let myself be guided away from my goals. However, as I was sitting in reflection on my life and where its going, where it could of been, and how I took it all, I got pissed. Not just sort of mad, pissed.
I did a good job of messing some things up, but this person...ugh, they had no soul. For years I have been 'upset' with them, and joked that they have no soul, but always felt that things were my fault really. If I had done this, if I had been like that, if if if. I hate ifs. In this situation I am done with them. They won't change anything. I think allowing myself to let go of the ifs, allowed me to be angry. I should have been angry years ago. There are reasons people called you demon.
And I blame you, sir for it. I blame you for taking away things in my life I worked so hard for. For making me believe that I wasn't good enough to do things. That the things I was working towards were useless. That I was only good enough for what you might deem to let me have. I blame you for getting me stuck here because of your damn selfishness and lies. I blame you. You didn't have to tell me the stories. You didn't have to fill my head with ideas that with you, everything was going to be ok. I had been doing fine without them. I would have preferred you hadn't shook my naivete in the world. Or my ability to trust blindly or believe the good things people say to me. I blame you for leaving me to believe when you said you would be there, you would.
Now I can be done with it. Or at least try to. I don't have to deal with you on a day to day basis, and I am no longer going to fear that it will ever change. I can tell you to take a flying leap should I need to. I no longer care how I live my life might effect yours. Congrats, you got me to blame someone for something.
I may feel guilty for saying it. (It may take me 2 weeks to finally post it with enough guts even though you will never see it.) I may cringe that I have actually blamed someone else for a road my life has taken, because I never have before. I think I need to though. I am starting with you.
(original post day 6-20-09)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Insomnia
I lay here, not able to sleep
Not quite able to cry.
I feel so empty, but also
So full of....something
I don't understand any of this
I want it all to go away
But that's a great fear all on its own
I don't know what I want
I don't know what I don't want
I don't think I want to be me
I am tired of myself
I am tired of my inability to
change the things I want to
I don't want uncertainty
I don't want the hard road anymore
I want to be able to rewrite parts
of my history
I want to be a me I can never be
The thoughts keep swirling
Making me tired,
but unable to sleep.
My soul is exhausted.
Is that I am an emotional whirlwind
Ok, so that's not all that this blog is about....but I just saw something...and it unexpectedly tore my heart out. Seriously what the hell. I can't keep letting things bother me like this, but I don't expect them too! But there I am, going about my business then SLAM. Right there. Upside my head. I'm shambled. Maybe its because I attach things/places/sayings/thoughts/songs/etc. to people. Seriously. I have no right to be mad...but I kind of am. ...Totally killed my vibe. :(
Well, lets see if I can write my way out of this. I was going to start off by joking about how when I come up with a good topic in my car for a blog, I really should write it down and not go, "oh no, this time I will remember." That is a blatant lie. I never remember, and then I'm all frustrated because I can't remember! Vicious cycle!
I think I am going to have to break down and schedule my days. I hate doing that, mainly because I know I like to change my own schedule just because I can. Trying to keep it on track is damn near impossible anyway when you have a kid involved and a work schedule that sounds like it has a beginning and an end...but is just washy. (Oddly enough, its close to the same argument I use for budgeting...)
I was reading an article about writing and they said, especially if you have another job, you should schedule your writing, just like it was another job. Thing is, I have all these other things to complete, and I am already trying to mess it up because I decided to read a fluff book instead of one of the many books I have to study from. ...Although I like to think the fluff book was sort of research/genre absorption for my book. lol So I am already working on the sabotage. I will not let it be!!
To appease myself, I am going to switch the days. Monday study this, Tuesday study that, Wednesday happy reading (this can be ok only once a week, only takes me a few hours to read those books anyway...), etc. Ok, so I am not positive how I am going to make this work. I still need to schedule in my writing, my daily writing, and my workouts. OH, and a life. I would like to make sure I schedule that in too. I am trying not to put pressure on myself, but idk, maybe its just what I need. It could keep my mind off other things that are bothering me. Right? :)
~~
This weekend was fun. One of my favorite bars, the Sandbar was celebrating 20 years by throwing a block party out side their bar. I got to hang out with some friends from college that rarely get to see, dress up like a pirate and dance like a goob in front of lots of people. :) Yeah, I wouldn't have wanted to miss that at all. It was a bit hectic, but totally worth it, especially since they let me have all the dirty banana drinks I wanted. lol
Going to one thing though, meant I had to miss one thing completely and only make 'an appearance' at another.
One of my old co-worker/friends was having a bachelorette party that night too. They were starting when I was supposed to be getting ready to dance though, so that didn't happen.
The other was a house warming party for a new friend. I had problems with this one. 1) It was a new friend, so honestly, I wasn't sure if I was even invited. Seriously. 2) I get freaked out going to parties where I don't know most the people. Its my own form of anxiety. And with the mood I was in, I couldn't go in alone and mingle with what my mind was making into couples, couples, couples. Makes it even more awkward for me. I am grateful that a friend encouraged me to come for a bit though. I 'woman-ed' up and walked over from the Sandbar. Most importantly, after I got my unease under control, I had some fun. I was fine with my decision to stay at the bar for the rest of the night and not come back to the party, until a friend posted a great video from it. And damn it, now I regret leaving. lol Ah well, we can't be everywhere at once, and someone has to leave the party first right?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
The night doesn't offer protection
That the mind hopes it will
The thoughts that are so clear
In the light of the sun
Become so much more when
Shared in the night with your mind
The dreams that you hoped wouldn't happen
The hopes that you hid away
Often come out and taunt you
After the light of day
The double edged sword of the night's plan
Is a tricky plot indeed
To show you images of all you want
Then take it away when it reveals the sun
Or to show you what is in your world
And than wake you to the truth that is.
When your other senses rest
Your heart and mind go to war.
No the night doesn't offer protection
That your soul might hope it would.
Well, lets see if I can write my way out of this. I was going to start off by joking about how when I come up with a good topic in my car for a blog, I really should write it down and not go, "oh no, this time I will remember." That is a blatant lie. I never remember, and then I'm all frustrated because I can't remember! Vicious cycle!
I think I am going to have to break down and schedule my days. I hate doing that, mainly because I know I like to change my own schedule just because I can. Trying to keep it on track is damn near impossible anyway when you have a kid involved and a work schedule that sounds like it has a beginning and an end...but is just washy. (Oddly enough, its close to the same argument I use for budgeting...)
I was reading an article about writing and they said, especially if you have another job, you should schedule your writing, just like it was another job. Thing is, I have all these other things to complete, and I am already trying to mess it up because I decided to read a fluff book instead of one of the many books I have to study from. ...Although I like to think the fluff book was sort of research/genre absorption for my book. lol So I am already working on the sabotage. I will not let it be!!
To appease myself, I am going to switch the days. Monday study this, Tuesday study that, Wednesday happy reading (this can be ok only once a week, only takes me a few hours to read those books anyway...), etc. Ok, so I am not positive how I am going to make this work. I still need to schedule in my writing, my daily writing, and my workouts. OH, and a life. I would like to make sure I schedule that in too. I am trying not to put pressure on myself, but idk, maybe its just what I need. It could keep my mind off other things that are bothering me. Right? :)
~~
This weekend was fun. One of my favorite bars, the Sandbar was celebrating 20 years by throwing a block party out side their bar. I got to hang out with some friends from college that rarely get to see, dress up like a pirate and dance like a goob in front of lots of people. :) Yeah, I wouldn't have wanted to miss that at all. It was a bit hectic, but totally worth it, especially since they let me have all the dirty banana drinks I wanted. lol
Going to one thing though, meant I had to miss one thing completely and only make 'an appearance' at another.
One of my old co-worker/friends was having a bachelorette party that night too. They were starting when I was supposed to be getting ready to dance though, so that didn't happen.
The other was a house warming party for a new friend. I had problems with this one. 1) It was a new friend, so honestly, I wasn't sure if I was even invited. Seriously. 2) I get freaked out going to parties where I don't know most the people. Its my own form of anxiety. And with the mood I was in, I couldn't go in alone and mingle with what my mind was making into couples, couples, couples. Makes it even more awkward for me. I am grateful that a friend encouraged me to come for a bit though. I 'woman-ed' up and walked over from the Sandbar. Most importantly, after I got my unease under control, I had some fun. I was fine with my decision to stay at the bar for the rest of the night and not come back to the party, until a friend posted a great video from it. And damn it, now I regret leaving. lol Ah well, we can't be everywhere at once, and someone has to leave the party first right?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
The night doesn't offer protection
That the mind hopes it will
The thoughts that are so clear
In the light of the sun
Become so much more when
Shared in the night with your mind
The dreams that you hoped wouldn't happen
The hopes that you hid away
Often come out and taunt you
After the light of day
The double edged sword of the night's plan
Is a tricky plot indeed
To show you images of all you want
Then take it away when it reveals the sun
Or to show you what is in your world
And than wake you to the truth that is.
When your other senses rest
Your heart and mind go to war.
No the night doesn't offer protection
That your soul might hope it would.
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