Is that lately I have been setting a lot of goals

I've always had some goals. Some dreams that I hope to accomplish...but I never really set a time frame. I always figured if I didn't set an actual time frame, I wouldn't have to worry about not hitting my goal because, technically, I have forever.

This year I set some actual timed goals. Yeah, the dates are give or take a week, but they are still there none the less. This freaks me out completely. I am so good at self sabotage. I don't want to fail at these tasks that I set for myself. I am ready to be done with them so I can move on to more. Because I think I have some what been sitting on hold for 10 years.

I notice day to day the time passing, but on the grand scale of things. On looking at my life as a whole....SHIT! I need to get a move on. When did all this time slip past me? Probably when I was in denial. lol

So I need to list out some of my goals because I will forget one or slack on one and then, well, fail. Biggest ones right now are getting back on track with my book and getting at least 15 pages done a month (yeah, I'm making it easy), finishing studying for the GRE test that I plan to take 'hopefully' before my birthday (This gives me just under 2 months, anyone wanna help me study? lol) and refresh my limited knowledge in a new field and broaden it as well, so that I could actually get a job in it. Now, the time frame on this one is somewhat optimistic, but I am a smart person, so I am also giving myself till my birthday for this. Why my birthday? Well....I might be setting a time frame to end my current employment. We'll see. I am NOT saying I am quitting...especially since this is the Internets and that could just get me into loads of trouble. :)

After I have the GRE completed, I have forms and forms and some more forms to fill out for aid & grants & applications for grad school. I really like KU's master's program, but have always wanted to take classes at George Washington U in DC. I could actually take some of their courses online, which may be pricey but...idk. Not being there would definitely be a disadvantage, since connections are VITAL in my field. Sorry, that was a tangent there lol Anyway... Most of the Poli Sci & Pubic Admin. programs only accept applications up to early spring, because everyone starts in the fall and so forth. So, the deadline for me on this is January. Yeah, its a long deadline, but omg I hate filling out forms that are all the same. That, and I need to compose a good letter as to why I let my grades slip my last 3 semesters at KU. Yes, having a kid is a good reason, but still.

Also, keeping in mind all of these that I want to accomplish because I want to be a part of this (new field which interests me way too much and politics, which has always made me oddly happy), I also want to continue my work towards my own restaurant type business. Should I get the info I need on that, it would COMPLETELY take me away from everything else, because lack of attention would cause a quick death to it. I know there are programs out there for me, and I need to seriously consider pulling together a plan so I can ask other people to help back it. So, I need to get more research done on this and scout out locations in the area. Get some statistics on neighborhoods, local zoning laws and all that other fun stuff. Woot. I could say my goal is to get that started, but I need to set up my check list first. SO, I will say I have till the end of September to get that checklist complied and along with it what I'll need to do to get things done on it (numbers/websites and the like).

So, maybe my chest constricts a bit when I write this down and put deadlines down. I am a procrastinator by nature, so I worry on that too. But mainly, its there. I have to do it now. It also give me a feeling like there is a little light inside, and its overly happy that I am taking the chance and that I haven't settled. :)

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Why didn't I fight for you?
Why don't I fight for anyone?
You would think with my competitive streak
That I would pull out all stops
Or maybe its that streak that
Keeps me from it.
For in losing someone without trying
I lose nothing but the chance and person
But if I were to really try
And with all the efforts
The results just the same
Wouldn't I then also lose both my pride
And hope?

Is that nothing is static

I think I am going to give up trying to figure out what is going on in my life, my friends' lives, the world in general. Just as soon as I think I do, for better or worse, its wrong. I am most happy sometimes when I am wrong. I know... strange that.

Like the clouds that roll through, everything is constantly changing. Today it might be stormy, but if you just hold out, tomorrow there will be sun. Even if it is a week or two of crappy weather, things aren't all that bad. I think when we are in the midst of the a long 'storm' (many of these self conceived) we lose sight of that. We forget that storms happen. They have to.

It makes the world better in then end too. It may not always, but it can.

I've had a bunch of unexpected storms lately. I think maybe I read the weather pattern wrong on some. Maybe not, but I'm looking for that edging of sunlight that brings to mind hope and awe. Perhaps its the Libra in me, looking for balance.

I know that is why when someone asks my opinion, I may not give what is directly on my mind/heart, but more so the balanced answer. Which brings more sanity or insanity to a situation? Ah, what a burden. Its easier to beat the Libra face to face sometimes. lol





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When has what I thought mattered
The course of the world is not going to change
Due to any feelings that I have
Swiftly flowing it goes on
Like the river,
It doesn't matter if it is drowning me

That I may have lost something important to me

These things happen. Time pushes forward whether we want it to or not. The ideas we have in our mind as to the two ways something can turn out by our actions always leaves out the missing third and forth options.

I totally didn't see that third option.

I guess I knew it was a possibility, but none the less it is always a surprise when a relationship changes with someone. When it goes from sharing all the time to random day check-ins. When someone you spoke with everyday or met with everyday, becomes almost less than a friend and more of an acquaintance. When you wish you saw a way back, but knew there wasn't one because things are how they are. How they are supposed to be... Right?

I guess if I am going to have a up/down week with friends it is no surprise that this one got thrown in there too. I would have preferred it not be though. I'm going to miss it all, and right now, I don't have the strength to fight for it even though I want to.

This person was pretty one of a kind for me and the impact they have had on my life is almost too much to calculate. This of course makes this all the harder. So many voids that are left. I had no idea this was the road I was going down when I started it. This realization that it seems to all be lost is going to take a while to cope with.

I've never been good at mourning friendships, tends to leave such a big mark. I wish them nothing but the best in all they do.
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The morning asked where you were
For you were there with me to greet it
And I sighed as I rolled over
Telling it to ask me later
The noon day sun shone down
Ready to fill my face with its light
But I had created a cloud above me
Making it wait for the right
The evening breeze wound over
Looking to entwine us together
And I shut the door to the growing wind
Because nothing can last forever

That this is a bit delayed, but was asked to do it so... :)

I've been away from this blog for a while. I have my reasons. I've still been writing, but as I told someone else, I just wasn't up for sharing it. Sometimes things we write from the soul tell too much, and it hurts too much when others can't see the depth of which you feel it. Somethings are best to just stay in my moleskine, I am trying to learn that. I will probably write two blogs tonight (WOO HOO) but first baby steps...if you call sharing some of your fears baby steps. lol

A friend of mine, Megan, passed this on to me. I don't think I will pass it on though (too few blogs I follow I suppose).

The Honest Scrap award is given by other bloggers who consider a blog’s content or design to be brilliant. The awardees must then post ten honest things about themselves and pass the award on to other bloggers who fit the bill – in other words, whose blog is brilliant.”

I think honesty is put to the test when you tell people things you’d rather not share. Things that scare you. So here’s 10 painfully honest / potentially disturbing things about me (proceed with caution):

1) I am completely and utterly vain. OK, not in the 'I am better than you' way. But in the 'if there is a mirror around me, watch, I will be talking to you THROUGH the mirror'. I watch myself. I can't help it, I've tried. Think most of the time it is so I can see how stupid I look, or see if I can make 'the' face I want. Maybe it makes reality just an image that I can live through and not face head on. I could go on with the reasonings, but honestly, I really try not to, but its always fun when friends catch on. I don't really think I have any reason to be vain since...

2)... My self confidence is often shattered by what I perceive to be reality and my horrid self body image. Chalk it up to always being bigger then your older sisters (I mean height wise...well at first.) You always feel not just big, but HUGE when you are taller then everyone else, and since I have never mastered the 'art' of being anorexic or bulimic, just due to basic physics, I am bigger in every other way too. You try standing next to your 5'4" best friend who wears a size 0 and you tell me you wouldn't start having issues! Or see all guys in your life (friends and otherwise) always choose the shorter 'cute', smaller girl. I work on this. But I do blame lots of things in my life on this. Lost relationships being the biggest. Because other then my slight insanity, my personality is awesome, why else would I be single? lol See what I deal with in my head?! ugh, moving on....

3) I live a contridiction in needs.One of them being that I love empty, clean spaces...but like lots of stuff. I am a budding pack rat (although I really do work on this too sometimes lol). I often crave the ability to rid myself of so much of the stuff I have, but can't seem to emotionally detach from them. / I have papers I wrote (not stories, but like math homework nonsense) from grade school. Yes, grade school. Not a lot mind you, but that's the thing, I keep things for memories. I can tell you stories about everything I own that leads me back to a person/event that in some way impacted my life. I still cherish the birthday card my grandma sent me when I was 6. I don't think she ever knew I thought of her that much. /I think my friends think I am kidding when I tell them that I would welcome their help in getting rid of things, I don't know where to start, and I want to share that memory one last time with someone else.

4) I take EVERYTHING personally. I think that says it all. No real exceptions there. Maybe it plays in with my vanity, because if you are in a bad mood, I contributed. That paper you wrote? Bout me. That song you mention? me. Work sucked? My fault. Sleep late? My fault. Didn't get enough sleep? My fault. You aren't happy? I did something to cause it. You are having a great time? Well...I like to think that was me. lol But.... Overall though, I at least realize I think this way and am generally able to talk myself down. lol

5) I also have a very guilty concious and feel bad for everything. Its bad. Example: I don't steal, but if something goes missing, my stomach twists and I worry that they'll think its me and because I just naturally feel guilty, I'll act guilty and then they will REALLY think its me. lol I feel guilty for thinking things in my head, as if those that the thoughts are directed to could hear and feel them. ....Yeah, I have issues. I know this.

6) I was taught to always be nice, if not civil to everyone. Everyone has their moments. However, 90% of people annoy the crap out of me 50% of the time, this wears on the niceness card. Sadly this facade is getting cracks in it. Why is it sad? Because I really usually like everyone! I don't want to let them know when they annoy me, because they won't ALWAYS annoy me. lol There aren't many people I don't try to/want to get along with, there are a few, but very few.

7) I have some childhood drama that I will probably never get over, so I don't bother talking about it. It makes me the 'quirky' person I am. However, I long for the day when I meet someone who will let me tell them all of it and will still be there for me when I am done. I almost thought I had that once.

8) Spiders. You may think that is not an especially 'personally honest' thing for me but..it is. I didn't always hate spiders. They were just icky and I didn't want them in my hair. Then I watched Charlotte's Web. I don't think I ever realized how many baby spiders are born at a time! OMG think of the brothers & sisters out for revenge if you kill one!! I did not want that wrath on me, so I started getting other people to kill the spiders...so the relaltives wouldn't come after me for revenge. Then I took an outdoor survival class. (The kind where I learned to make my own bowls and shoes from plants.) They were going to drop us in the middle of a forest and we were to find our way back, so they wanted to make sure we knew about the poisonous things. I learned about Black Widows and Brown Recluses. Oddly, Black Widows don't scare me as much. I now see all spiders as Brown Recluses however. Yes, even some black ones..because ya know the males and females are different colors. On top of them being tricky hunters with no webs, they still have that family of thousands out there. So I don't like spiders. :)

9) People who drop plans on me for stupid reasons make me very angry. Missing something because you over slept in the morning, however, is NEVER a stupid reason.

10) Well, I could end this with #10 being that I am constently worried about my friends leaving/not liking me or that I routinely deny being depressed or that I fear I will never reach any of my goals in life. But...that seems sad. So, I will end with telling you that although I do firmly now believe that I will probably never get married & have more kids, (too many things in my life have showed me this, especially in the past year) I still hope that I am wrong. :)

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The clouds began gathering
Thunder not heard by others rolled
Flashes of lightning blinded
The rumbling of it over took everything else
There was no power against the storm
No easy way to disperse the coming rain
The mind was full and would release
When it felt like pouring down