My reflecytion on the year OR I will NOT say 2010 will be better

Its been one heck of a year, and if I've learned anything this year, its don't say next week/month/year will be better!!! Its like a challenge to fate to screw it all up worse. Its hard, but I am just going with it. Crappy things happen and I just have to roll with them and remember that it will pass, like everything else. I am trying to keep in mind some good sayings like 'without pain and hardship, how would we know what joy is?', stop making the wrong people priorities in your life Or

"Most people treat the present moment as if it were an obstacle that they need to overcome. Since the present moment is life itself, it is an insane way to live." ~Eckhart Tolle

Over all this year, I wrote a lot, but not nearly as much as I wanted. I shared more poems then I expected too as well. (For some of them I am sorry you had to see them. lol) Its a joy of mine to write, and I am grateful that I have friends out there that encourage me. The notebooks and reminders are bigger pushes then you can imagine.

It amazes me, how at 'my age' (no, I am not OLD, just older then I was last year) how things still surprise me, hurt me, bring me simple joy. This year was a strange one for my heart and mind. Its a blessing and a curse to know that anything can effect you. lol When things effect me negatively, I wish so much that it wouldn't, but then I see how things effect me positively, and I am grateful my heart is that way. I've never been one to really actively search for someone. I sort of did once and eh. Not sure if this is something I should change or not actually, but for now, its ok. I'm in the same spot leaving this year as I was coming into it. lol Go figure.

Money is stupid, so I am not going to talk about that..other then I still say you ban UMB from your life.

My job. Oh my job. Seven years. Stayed when I shouldn't. Went through a lot. Actually took an active roll in looking for a new job. Got some interviews. Turned down a job or two. Accepted a position with a local company that I feel is going to be great. I'm excited about it. Scared about leaving a job I've been at 7 years. Sad to be leaving. Relieved to be leaving. Oh, and HAPPY. :)

Well, I am meeting friends for dinner in 30 and I still need to get ready. oops. But I also believe in 'so goes the eve so goes the year' so if I want to be writing all year..... :)
So for now, hope you all have a great New Year's Eve. Talk to you next year. Be safe and smile.

Just keep fighting it

I've been fighting with something for a while, and inevitably, it leads me to fighting with other things as well. Lately its been a tug between wanting to spend time with friends and people in general to just wanting to hide out at home curled up in a ball...or at least watching a movie. I think part of this problem is that lately I haven't been able to just go home.

Ok, so we already know that I like to be able to change up my schedule, but when friends plan things, those things are somewhat written in stone to me. They spent time to plan, they want company, I won't disappoint. Unless someone plans something early in the morning, there is a 99.9% chance I will be there. As with most holidays, now has come the time for gatherings of all types. It also brings with it more work. So between the two things, I have nothing left for me. I get home and just...sit. I get nothing I want done, so I think about those hours here and there where they are just mine. I long for a event free weekend/day.

Thing is, when I get that event free evening...I don't really want it. I want to share time with friends or someone. I don't want to DO anything...just sit. I used to have friends that I did that with, we just knew we would be hanging out. Not talking to each other, but there just the same. With how eveyone's schedules work, that's just not possible. ...which I am grateful for too. lol

I guess my biggest issue is that I am not in control of these things. I can't say, hey, lets hang out now and not then. These are planned things. Things I won't say no to. (Besides, I know damn well that should I not go to something I would totally regret it, because I have yet to fully regret hanging out with any of my friends.) Case in point, the other day I was all set to just sit and drink tea and write. I had told a friend so if they wanted to drop by they could, but it was me time. I had forgotten that a game was playing that night. There are traditions to be upheld! :) So, I spent the evening with friends instead. I enjoyed it, I don't regret it, but part of me is still waiting for that nice quiet evening at the tea house.

I'm not going to complain about all this. What would I have to complain about? I love my friends. I love having things to do. I'm only on this planet for so long, and currently my age and health allow me to function and move. I just have to fight my inner loner. She had such full reign of me for so long, she gets feisty and angry sometimes.

Today, she was trying to win, but I beat her down and went to an event and had a really good time. I get freaked around new people...especially lots of new people...but it turned out great. I suggested an 'ethnic potluck' to a friend and she loved the idea and that is what we did today. I spent half the day cooking for it, and the rest eating and talking at it. Not bad I say. :)








(And no, I can't take pictures when people are prepared. They aren't as fun!)

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It's never a constant
It always comes and goes
Changing on an almost hourly schedule
So hard to see what will be faced
Certainty is never there
Prepare for anything

Really? Your music is 'better' than mine?

This argument has always made me laugh. Yeah, its also angered me at times too. I don't get it. How is one type of music so much better than another? If someone feels something from it, if they relate to it, why is it not as worthy as what you listen to?

Are there some types of music that boggle my mind? Hell yes. For that reason, I don't listen to it. I don't listen to the music that annoys me. I don't listen to the sounds thinly labeled 'music' either, but for someone, that's what they love. Who am I to tell someone their music is 'stupid' or 'cliche' or 'outdated' or 'lame'? I won't insult your music, don't insult mine.

If you don't like a certain type of music, you aren't forced to listen to it (unless you are in some sort of class or at work where they pump it out to you) you can choose something different. With that said, it also wouldn't kill you to expand your horizons. Listen to new things. New types. You may not listen to it all the time, or relate to all of it, but there are tons of artists for each type, you may be surprised. I often am.

I love all kinds of music. There are only 2 genres of music that I can't really stomach well and would really rather never hear, but even of those, I have heard artists that I can listen to and enjoy. Its all about not limiting yourself. You can't put some lyrics to some types of music, it just wouldn't work, so you have to expand your horizons to hear what others are saying.

Its so interesting the different worlds you get to enter when you allow for that.

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All the shrapnel

The shattered pieces are the hardest to get out.
Like buried shrapnel under the skin,
The fragments stay hidden long after it was broken
And sometimes all it takes is the changing of the weather
Or to sleep wrong
To bring with it memories and new pain.

A little here and there

So I know I haven't been writing much this week. I really wanted to just relax into my topics now that the month of writing is over. Although it did make me focus, and that is a good thing. Maybe I should set up a schedule? :)

I have made up my list of things I need to get done, but always seems like to get A done you need to accomplish B and C first. (Don't ask me why B & C are before A, its the way life is!) Of course, this could be another form of procrastination but....

One of the things I listed was to clean off my desk. I don't know when it started, but piles and piles of stuff just started spreading and covered both my desk and dresser. Whether you believe in feng shui or not, this was impeding my work. So I spent some time and got it organized. As of right now, everything is where I need it. Sort of. lol

Here is a scary before:

And after :) :


So needless to say, I am a bit happier at my desk. Although this could lead to procrastination through cleaning of the rest of the house. lol

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There Comes a Day

The smile never leaves its place
Of a few inches below the eyes
On a simply glowing face
The heartbeat sets a rhythmic time
Inside a body frozen still
Being this excited could be a crime
There comes a day
When fate will bring you
One person makes all sadness fade away

The things we think we'll avoid.

The past week or so has brought with it an added sense of 'something'. The feeling that something isn't right and something is going to happen. Its left me on edge and moody and well, emo. I tried to blame the feeling on this or that, but then I noticed the date and I knew.

It sucks when you know a day(s) is coming up and it means something else to you now. You want to replace the day with some other memory. Something else to happen that day, but in your mind you know, every year, its probably going to come up the same way. Its funny how even when we aren't thinking of things, our souls or our subconscious is. I knew this date was coming, but wasn't worried about it. Just figured I would let it pass like everything else. Guess that isn't going to happen. This weekend is sucking hard.

Thankfully, I have most of my weekend planned out for me. (Yes, this is freaking me out. lol) Something tomorrow morning, evening and then Sunday too. Full full full. But tonight....tonight I am home with my thoughts. I tried to be all crafty and ask some friends over, but I wasn't obvious enough, because out of 6 people, none of them are here. Its all good, short notice doesn't really work well. lol This does leave me here though. I already watched a movie with the boy. I feel like its 1am, but its only 8:30. If I go to sleep now I know I will be up at 3am...which will suck since I have to get up early. I could go to the gym, but I don't want to leave the boy tonight. I could get on some of my websites that I like, but I am sure I would find a way to make it all whiny. So, I will go with option one and go to sleep hella early...on a Friday night. woot

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Middle of Nowhere

The road it looks so long
Stretching forever in the mind
Its hard to imagine something so stable
Just stopping out in the middle of nowhere
We see what we want to see
When the road is going smooth
Focus is lost on things around us
We don't see when new roads and detours
Start to parallel our own
We don't notice everyone else getting off
We are so happy on our simple road
That we don't see that it does end
Just stopping in the middle of nowhere