Its all quiet

Well, actually its been crazy as shit, and I am too exausted to write. How messed up is that?! Ugh. Work is leaving me completely drained. Remodeling without a clear plan/times is insanity. COMPLETE INSANITY. Also, moving my computer without first checking it the other connections work is somewhat of insanity too. But I am sure it will all work out. Right?

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Perception is all a part of the game
A game we all are so willing to play
Everyday of our lives even as we
Wish for anyone else to know what is
Really going on in our lives
But we play along and offer up the
Perception of what we think is good
What others will want to see
What others will want to hear
What others will not judge us on
Perception is all a part of the game
And I am tired of playing it
But I am as caught up as anyone else

About the weather. Yes, the weather

Last week, the weather turned really nice and warm after a week of cold temps here in my town. Every adult patient I talked to mentioned how nice it was and how they wanted to go enjoy it before it went away. The kids...not so much. Its like they didn't even notice that it was nice out. No big deal.

Got me to thinking how I never noticed the 'nice' day either when I was a kid. It didn't matter to me. I went out and played whenever I could. It was never too cold or too hot.

As an adult though (and I use adult loosely) we tend to notice these things. Maybe its that we can feel our lives being sucked out of us when we are at work all day and we don't have those breaks that bring us out there. We see what we are missing. We know that warm days in the middle of winter are generally rare and should totally be enjoyed.

Crap...this means I am growing up. bah!
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They snuggled closely together
As they headed for the door
His hand holding her's
Her head subtly leaning into his shoulder
Such an unconscious move
An unlearned dance that comes so naturally
Wordlessly they step in
And on cue rotate the glass
Becoming one at the turn
When the open air hits them again
They emerge again as two people
But ever just as close

You never asked me to.
You never suggested I change.
But I wanted to be a better person
When I was around you.
For a while I was happier
Then I'd been in a long time...possibly ever.
But I have begun to wonder,
If it was all just an illusion,
Or was it your presence,
Or me alone at that time in my life?
Can I recapture who I became
During such a short time?
Can that blind optimism come back
And the simply happy person exist
Now that you are no longer part of my life
And all hope has been faded for so long?

As I sit to write my feelings and thoughts
Out on the paper before me
The music comes over my stereo
And I stop to listen to the words
And each song seems to say what I am thinking
I begin to fear that all I have to say
Has already been said
And said so much better then I
Could ever express myself
Is the possibility of me creating something new,
Of something that could mean something to someone else
Even a remote idea anymore
But just as each sunset is different
And inspires new feelings
Perhaps my quiet voice can find
A new way to express itself

that I've been drinking on a Thursday...

And don't have much to say...that will come out coherent anyway. Didn't follow that 'no drinking on an empty stomach' rule I have...although it really does make me a cheap date. lol
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I could share poetry right now...but it would get all messed up. So I will share TWO tomorrow. K? :)

Doesn't even know what to say right now...

Caroline was all well and good...and then she had to go and read a book. Within this book were 5 sentences that, well, knocked her on her ass. She's had everyone around her telling her the same thing...yet she didn't believe any of them. But there it was, in print, all that they had said. This author doesn't know Caroline. Hasn't heard her story, but there are the words. Caroline isn't feeling very special or unique right now. Her story is like all the others. Caroline is thinking that she has been playing the fool. Perhaps oblivious to everything, and she is usually the master of the obvious...ok, sometimes. Somewhat annoyed at herself. (You need to realize how flipping hard it is to stay in 3rd person. lol)

If she had read this chapter months ago...who knows. She's been feeling so good this week, and this sort of taints it. Doesn't change much, but taints it. Bah.
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I'm sorry I was so oblivious
To what you were trying to say
Perhaps you were just looking for a way out
Or a nice way to back away
You've never shied from that possibility
I think I've been reading it all wrong
I'm missing what is right in front of me
And what I should have seen all along.

Its all a matter of they said vs we said

For the past few days Kansas has been worrying over their state budget and how to pay employees and schools and programs. Seems we have been borrowing from Peter to pay Paul here in a way. Legally, the state legisature HAS to balance the budget. They can't keep borrowing from one program and hope for the best.

The plan presented asked for that to happen. The lawmakers said no. The Governor said I'll simply veto anything you cut. The lawmakers said fine, we won't do anything because its irresponsible to do so. Back and forth. Then comes the bitter 'well you are from that party, so that's why you are doing that.' There was even some accusations of blackmail. (Seriously, I love politics, because beyond the serious part of people not getting paid, how childish and funny is that?!?)

Just a little while ago I found that the bill is going to be passed. The cuts that were proposed are not going to be vetoed. People will get paid. And the budget will be balanced.

This is where the 'recession' (I really don't want to use that word, but for this, I sort of have too) is effecting things. There isn't enough money for the state government to stay at the level that it is. I would NOT want to be in the House or Senate this year. The stress over what to cut back on is not going to be easy..or go over well with everyone. Of course, what will be emphasized is the cutting of school budgets/payouts. What won't be emphasized is that they really didn't cut any low income, needy or disabled funding.

Its all just turning into a Republican/Democrat thing anyway, regardless of what is really happening.

Caroline is thinking, that for once, she is glad she is not working for the State or an elected representative. There is a first time for everything I guess.
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I walked by the mirror
And I noticed something different
But was unable to tell what
Things seemed so much the same as before
Yet, something was so changed
I took a step back
To get a wider view
I took a step forward
Blocking out the room around
Then I saw it
What I had been avoiding
I must have known all along
But didn't want to see
That the eyes,
The window to the proverbial soul
Had changed from what they were
For better or worse,
I still couldn't tell
But the difference was hard to deny

Its been a long day

Caroline is thinking it was a long day, and all she wants to do is sleep. Not very clever tonight, but hope she will be forgiven.

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Just one more time
You can continue if you want
Nothing is making you do it
And nothing is going to make you stop
Maybe the next time won't be so bad
You can never be too sure about these things
The sudden feeling of anxiety might not come
You may be over it
Next time may not matter
And if it does, you can learn from it
And force yourself to do it again
Because that is what you keep saying
Just one more time

Road trips..too soon to think about them?

I love traveling...and I love driving. (Yeah, I love flying too, but we will forget that for the purpose of this blog..) So many places/events have popped up over the past year that require roadtrips. I don't mean a few hours either. Arizona, Texas, Idaho, Arkansas, California, Florida and Michigan. All destinations probably won't be hit this year, but I am thinking I could get a few of them in. I won't be going anywhere for a couple months though at least, so wonder if I even should think about it yet....even if planing it part of the fun.

One of my friends that is moving up to Idaho this month is getting married on July 4th. Oddly enough, she is moving to the same town that my sister moved to. My sister just had a baby in December. SO, out of all the places to go, that one is sitting somewhat high on the list. I drove up there with family last year. It was a pretty nice drive. Not too bad. Although I will need someone to go with me if I do it because the difference in altitude usually hits me with the first small range of mountains. Its gorgeous up there though, and in the summer. Ah :)

In thinking of the road trips though, I also am calling to mind all the other things that are coming up first that I want to do. Flogging Mollys are in KC next week. The Phantom of the Opera is playing next month. The Killers are here in May. Not to mention all the concerts in between. I will have to get a second job to pay for it all...and then quit it every weekend so I can go do all of it. lol

Caroline is thinking that it could be a fun year to travel all over. Just need to find travel people. lol And she is thinking that the lack of sleep this weekend is turning her into mush, so she is going to sleep. This was a bonus blog anyway, generally don't do them on the weekend.
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It calls to me
I try to stay away
It calls to me
Speaking of comfort when I lay
It calls to me
I can hardly fight it off
It calls to me
Promising that the pillow will be soft.

Wax poetic

Valentine's day has never meant that much to me. I don't count it as a 'card' holiday, because I thought it meant something more...and started out as something more.

Yes, I do love flowers..but I never expect them on this day. Only friends and family get them for me anyway. lol Candy on the other hand...that's a staple product of this day. (getting off topic here. lol sorry!)

Today was weird. For reasons I don't feel like getting into, I was very happy that everything I did today basically kept me out of the field of 'couples'. This doesn't mean I hate love though. One of my best friends had her first date with her husband on this day (oh, its a good story) and I have seen some good things happen for others. I am after all, a romantic at heart.

Simple surprises or acts of kindness make me smile. Simple nearness on this day is more than enough.

But, Caroline was thinking of waxing poetic today. For that she wants to share one of her favorite poems. One she's had memorized for YEARS.

The Night Has a Thousand Eyes
By Francis WIlliam Bourdillon

The night has a thousand eyes,
And the day but one;
Yet the light of the bright world dies
With the dying sun.

The mind has a thousand eyes,
And the heart but one;
Yet the light of the whole life dies
When love is done.

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I did write a poem today..or two...but thought I would share one I wrote a few months ago. It fits the day better...so....bah.

Magnet

The magnet in your soul

Seems to pull at me at every way

Sitting next to you I have to struggle against

The unconscious will to touch your leg

Your arm

The hair at your temple

I have to fight the urge to turn and lay

In the crook of your arm

So easily I can see these simple movements

The ease it would be to my mind

To slip my hand into yours

Just the physical connection between you

And me

To complete some unseen circle or pattern

Normal routines to my life

Have already succumb to the pull

Of your voice and laughter

The innocent chatter seeming to

Reset my day

Like the magnet at the Poles

Resets the world

That I need people to go in on this with me

So a few weeks ago (yes, I realize that I took much longer to read the book then my norm. I was degesting it all) a friend lent me a book called The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan. Now, I was told it was a good book. I was also told/read that I would not probably want to eat meat, and that some people take it the wrong way. I went into with an open mind.

The first few chapters, honestly, I almost put it down and walked away. Maybe he didn't mean things to sound the way he did, but it annoyed me. However, I have a hard time walking away from books...and I figured my friend would give me crap. lol So I continued, and the book grew on me. It became more interesting and I found that while out with friends, I would start talking about things from it. (Always keeping in my mind that a little knowledge can do more harm...) I was hooked.

The pessimistic side of me, always takes health claims with a grain of salt. New ones come up every year. He addressed this, which I thought was pretty bold, and got my attention & respect. He was honest about all angles, not just the one. I actually didn't see him trying to force a way of eating onto me. I saw things laid out for me to take in and make my judgment calls.

I've tried to be a vegetarian before. For health reasons, its actually better for me...but I love my meat. I can't help it. I have, however, added a lot more tofu and the like into my diet over the years. One would think, after reading some parts of this book, I wouldn't want to eat any more meat...but I do. I just want to start being pickier about where I get it.

He addresses a type of farmer that call themselves 'grass farmers'. I won't get into it too much about what makes them different, but I tell you what, I want their products. I can respect what they are doing and want to support them. Besides, I like the idea of buying local. Now, the farmer he stayed with is way on the East coast, so there is no way I can do that, but I was looking online and there are quite a few in Kansas. WOO HOO!! At www.eachwild.com they list farms in your area that prescribe to this way of farming.

I would like to do more research on each of these farms in my area. I have time to do so too, because they sell seasonally. What has grown naturally over the 'normal' set of time.(There are a few that do eggs as well, that I would like sooner...) They aren't big farms just fattening up hundreds of cows or chickens as fast as they can. (ok, maybe I am a little brainwashed. lol) Lots of times these farms encourage you to visit them, and I think that would be a great idea as well. It would be nice to actually know where my food is coming from, and where/what my money is going to.

Caroline is thinking, that since many of these farms will ship, it would be cool if others wanted to join in too. Or at least take some road trips to see these farms. She wants to see for herself if they really are as different as they prescribe themselves to be.
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Many times today I had poems come to me. Each time I was not near paper or I wasn't able to get to my book to write them down. So now, all I have are snippets of them floating around in my mind. Very frustrating!! I haven't had that happen in like 2 months! ugh. So I'm going to wing it tonight. Bare with me. :)

The joy on your face
Was more than enough...
But the twinkle in your eyes
Had the power to erase
Any sadness around my heart
And the weight of such a heavy world

"So you're a line cutter?"
She heard a man utter
So clearly behind her back.
Her hazel eyes widened
And her shoulders heightened
As she debated what she should do.
Taking a deep breath,
Thinking embarrassment is close to death
She turned to face her critic.
"I swear I didn't see anyone here."
The boy's girlfriend looked like she wanted to disappear
"I'm sorry, but were you talking to me?"
"Ah, no I'm sorry. you're fine.
My girlfriend was just trying to get ahead of me in line."
Which earned him a punch in the arm.

I am living in a bubble

Most of us, whether intentionally or by accident, go into a bubble sometimes. A bubble that keeps all the issues of the world a secret. Maybe for a week or two, the world passes by, and we take no notice. "What?! There was a nucular war over in Poland? WTF?!"

Caroline is thinking that she somehow has put herself in a bubble the past few weeks and has only barely followed anything in the news. Perhaps it started when her computer had issues, but she is still there. She is thinking she really needs to talk to someone who has been watching the news so the next time a conversation involving a woman having 14 children comes up, she might be able to add something to it other then, "no way? really?" She can't even, with a clear conscience, talk about politics right now. All is hearsay, and we all know what at really is usually. She is totally slacking in current events at the moment.
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You used to talk
And I used to listen
And the hours between us would fly
Sleep and work were far seconds
To the things we had to say
And when we would finally end
Our long aimless conversation
We would wish sweet dreams
And good rest for one another
I used to talk
And you used to listen
But my phone doesn't ring anymore
And the hours seem to drag
Sleep and work fill the growing distance
Between the things we have to say
Conversations drop off with no real end
Breaking up the seemingly forced topics
If there is closure,
It is a quick goodbye or goodnight
We used to talk

That this whole thing is getting ridiculous

Caroline is thinking that she is smarter then to post the blog that she had just written. She wants to act like a whiny child, but thought better of it.

Fate is a cruel, cruel thing sometimes.

Caroline is thinking that she wants to share everything, but what would be the point? Besides, everyone should have secrets right?

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The silence of the woods
You are never fully alone
Even when there are no people about
The birds, animals, and trees speak
When you choose to sit and listen
There is no silence of the woods

How can I
The choice is never really mine to make
How can I
My nature is to give and not to take
How can I
When I know the truth so well
How can I
When both alternatives, and the present, gives me hell
How can I
When I know what it is I think I want
How can I
When feelings and memories continue to haunt

I tend to do things people tell me I can't do

Well, things that they say are impossible or that pigeon hole me.

The gauntlet was thrown this weekend. I don't think they meant to throw it, but they did. I was speaking of just going out and dating, but...I am done with the emotional part of it. I am too emotional, and I just have to approach dating at a different angle. This way avoiding my 'picky' side and then I don't have to deal with any fallout either. Now, when talking with my friends...and some people that don't know me, I was really just feeling out this new idea. Thinking that is sounded good...and felt good too, but who knows what I'll think come the week. That's when they said that it couldn't be done. That most people couldn't do it anyway, but that for me...no way.

Bah I say. I have been thinking about making this my 'selfish' year anyway, this would go hand in hand with it. ...And I hate being proved wrong....and I would hate to have anymore emotional commotion going on...so it has a fighting chance!! :)
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The simplicity of the design
Of the thoughts on my mind
Would have lent it to be easy to complete
But the ideas that are so strong and concrete
In my soul when I lay down to sleep
And wake up in the morning
Get chased away so quickly when reality
Greets me in unexpected places

The grass is always greener

The saying is so cliche...but so true.

Today I had lunch with two good friends. Lately, I've been thinking about, well, how crappy life is sometimes. Woe is me and all that. I see my friends happy relationships or new jobs or whatever and get a feeling of 'fuckdamnshit!'. Yeah, yeah, not very friendship-like. I'm happy for them and all but still... And then I hear the issues. House this... Bills this.... The man snores.... We had another fight.... They are driving me crazy... And somehow, my life seems good to them. Not so much to me still lol, but better. So flippin' bizarre the things we think we would trade off for someone else's life.

Caroline is thinking that everyone has issues, they just don't always share them. Regardless of how it looks, no one's life is that perfect...and if it is, somebody should do something about it. :P Kidding. ....maybe.
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Empty
I don't think I have any more
Each day it starts the same
But each one ends like the one before
The vessel emptied once again
Of what I wasn't aware was even there
Can there be a negative amount of feeling
That continually alters what makes me care

The cold slowly creeps
Swirling around the pockets of warmth
Keeping close to the walls
And reaching it's fingers in

Reunions and goodbyes

I've always loved seeing old friends. There is some strange excitment when you get to see one after a long time has passed. Be it because your lives are so hectic you can't find a day that works or because long distances have seperated you.

With all the social sites available now, I have rekindled friendships with many friends I hadn't spoken to in years. Albeit, taking over these sites is fun and brings us closer, the true excitement comes with I actually get to see them.

My class in HS was relatively small (16 to be exact) so needless to say, we were all pretty close. Of course we all went our separate ways after graduation..but we kept in touch. It was sort of a joke to gather at the yearly reunions our school held. For our 5th year, we had all planned on traveling in and meeting up. A few people ended up passing on it and said they might come for the 10 year. Sadly, the next year one of my classmates died in a car wreck. He was a good friend and had I not gone to that reunion, I would have never had that last chance to laugh with him. With such a small class, I sort of made keeping in touch with at least my classmates a somewhat personal thing. It scared me. As the class secretary (woo hoo) I have been told that it will be my ETERNAL duty, to plan reunions and the like for us all to meet up, so we don't ever have to regret not seeing each other. It's about time for me to start planning again and I can't wait.

On the other side, I have a few friends moving this year. The not knowing when I'll get to see them again is a bit hard and I worry that Facebook and MySpace won't be enough.

Caroline is thinking that she TOTALLY went on some tangents in this blog. lol She is also thinking how happy she was to see some old friends this past weekend and she is excited/sad to say goodbye to another one on Saturday.
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The fibers that get woven into our lives
Seemingly without any effort
Are always the most surprising to find
And the most difficult to try and dislodge
Unsure of how it got there
Unsure of how you became dependent on it
Unsure of whether to keep it or not
Its as if looking back,
You can't see the fabric of your life
Without this new fiber or color

You didn't mess anything up
For there is nothing going away
That you would miss
There really was no other way
for this to go
Sadly, it is something that deep down
you did know
Its foolish for me to try and deny it
You can't miss what was never there
So you didn't mess anything up

The embrace was all that was needed
As it blocked out all that was wrong
Warm cushions protecting against
Any intrusions from the world
Free to breath deeply and calmly
The support relieving all burdens
How long can I stay protected in these arms

Manners? What are manners?

I worry about whether or not I am building a strong background in manners with my son. I cringe when some 'basic knowledge' thing for me, completely alludes him. I have delt with too many people already in my short life, to know that way too many people don't grasp basic manners. This bothers me...greatly. (Which is also why it's so much harder on me when my son doesn't grasp them either.)

I think perhaps this is why I love reading old novels and stories. Manners weren't an 'option' they were required. I don't know when that started changing. Sure, sure, you can count some things like chivalry's decline on the feminist movement. (Seriously, I see nothing wrong with someone opening the door for me or walking me to my door.) But basic politeness like, oh, not yelling at a clerk for no reason, not blocking walkways when you know someone is trying to get through, not sighing loudly behind someone, waiting for a friend to reach their car/door, acknowledging someone...things like that seem to have slipped through the cracks of society and died a painful death.

Caroline is thinking that she wishes more people would use their manners in public. Maybe if they did, then the younger generations (and heck, some of the older ones too) would catch on and learn from example. What a nicer world it would be.

Caroline is also thinking that it's rather sad that her son woke up sick this morning (SO not something she can deal with at those early hours..ok, ever really). It was his birthday, and it was rather sad. He actually slept through most of it, so he didn't dwell too much on missing fun times. He was still running a fever tonight, so no school tomorrow either. Hopefully by Thursday he will be OK. She will be taking him to an arcade with some of her friends and family this weekend as long as he is up too it. He seems pretty excited about that.
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Today I remember
Today I celebrate and recall
Today memories bring smiles
Today I am grateful for all you've brought into my world
Today I am glad you were given a chance to be with me in this life
Today is for you. :)

I won't even attmept it

Last week I had some issues with my computer/internet. Joy of joys. Guess it came at an OK time, who knows what I might have written about. Sadly this also left me out of the loop on all my friends and the world. I got snippets here and there at work but...ugh, its been a long week. So I won't even attempt to catch up on all the blogs I haven't written.

I did manage to keep up with the writing however. It's easy to do when you use pen and paper. :)

So Caroline isn't thinking about much of anything right now. She's busy catching up on email, basic news, and all the other sites. She hopes that by tomorrow she will be able to write something interesting...and she should since it is her son's birthday.
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So I did write everyday...and with not computer I wrote MANY and I have been debating just posting them all today...I'm thinking I shouldn't do that to my readers..or just the universe in general. lol
I will post some of my favs though...and the different things on my mind mixed with the days sort of makes the tempo of all of them...odd.
I have been working on different styles of poetry..not sure if its working or not. There are no dates though for each one, I already have that noted somewhere else.




Such small, inconsequential things
Singularly insignificant
Floating with a simple breeze
Disappearing forever with any warm embrace
Yet when joined with others
The quiet beauty and strength
of their being
Can not be denied

Reality seems to leave

Even as we call it forward

What really is, is on the table

But seems somewhat forgotten

Its so easy to make the truth abstract

When you are sitting here with me

What I know seems not to matter

Yet hold the weight of the world at the same time.

Stepping outside, I can feel the air so heavy
But not overwhelming
It doesn't hold the heat like in the summer
A coolness wraps around you
The darkness softened by the
New found stars that replaced the street lights.

Ah, dreamless sleep
How I welcome you
I feared the hopes of
What would never be
Would follow me again
Into my last reprieve
But my mind must have decided
That no more time should be devoted
To such a fruitless prosute
Thank you dreamless sleep.

The grey seems to softly swirl in the sky
As the branches, long dormant from the cold
Stand out in deep colors of brown
Shaking at the wind that follows no pattern

Your silence says so much more
Than your words ever could
The wondering of what you feel
Can be told by you not saying anything at all
The absence of thoughts to tell
Shows what you really think
Words are not necessary
When silence says so much more

Rarely does the antisipation of something
Equal the actual joy of completion
So often the excitment of waiting
Builds an event beyond what it is
But today...
Today the event nearly surpassed the wait
It was a new found joy
...and added relief
When the time had finally arrived
So rare is it, that the antisipation of something
Equals the actual joy of completion.