Its time for a random post

I was sitting here trying to figure out what to write tonight. What to say that may be of any interest to anyone but me. I have all these notes everywhere on my desk...but none of them strike me as the one. However, together they seem good. Sort of like Power Rangers!! lol I like random blogs. Just tidbits from life. Thoughts of the world. Nothing that at the moment really deserves a blog of its own, but maybe at least a mention in one.

~ The boy eats too much. Granted, everyone says boys eat a lot, but omg seriously?! Its hard to keep food in the house. lol I send money to the school for lunches and within a week its gone. How? lol The boy was getting TWO lunches every day. I keep telling him I would be happy to send him to school with a lunch so he can make what he wants, but I guess its a thing at school to eat the lunch there. He will bankrupt me. :p

~Working out. I've mentioned it before. Thankfully I was able to start back up this month. I am slowly working everything else back in. Its hard to think that just a few weeks off makes my musecles snap back so I can't do even half the yoga poses I used to. It very annoying. And right now, instead of energizing me, the workouts are just kicking my ass and making me tired. I know this will change soon, but right now, grrrr.

~The whole not working out has effected my weight. I haven't gained really that much back, but I notice it. Progress is a bitch to win in this fight. Taking a month off to be all mopey and shit was not my wisest decision.

~I have entered into a circle of bowling hell. I haven't bowled well since the beginning of October. This is NOT good. I have no idea what the hell is wrong with me. I am hoping that it has to do with me not working out, because if its not...my teammate is going to kill me!

~I started doing something for pure vanity sake last night. I'm not going to say what, because I want to see if people will notice in a few weeks. I am going to track it and everything. woo hoo!!

~The Saints won AGAIN!! 11-0 Baby!!! That's my team, and considering they aren't known for their winning, the past few years have been awesome. This year has been unbelievable!! :)

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Smell and Sound

Months later, without thought
You put the bottle to your nose
And memories of a walk
Or a conversation on the phone
Pop into the mind
Sealing the memories with the fragrance
Even more
Years later, without purpose
Your shuffle plays that song
And the words pierce your mind
Of things said and unsaid
People in and out of your life
Surrounding your soul with a vocal memeory
All your own

Is that maybe its my turn to talk about schedules?

Everyone has schedules that they keep. Or at least a routine. They either like it completely rigid or they want nothing in stone. Everyone has their reasoning for this too ~ the love of structure, or the need to be free to do whatever. I go between awe and surprise when I hear what some people do. That's because, like so many things, I am somewhere in between.

I like having things planned. I like having things to do and knowing when/where I will be doing them. ....but only half the time. I have two personality traits that rail against this. One is being stubborn, the other is my lack of consistency.

I don't like being told what to do...even by myself. Having a schedule of events that must occur is like telling me what to do. So I can become stubborn and just not follow my schedule 'just because I can'. For this reason, I try to not schedule everything. Big events and the like, yes, but weekly or daily, I have to leave them alone or I will not accomplish them on principle. :) (OK, not always, but this does happen a lot. lol)

Consistency. Oh how I wish I could get a good handle on that one. For someone (that someone being me) who doesn't like a lot of change in their life, I seem to often fail at consistency. I can keep things going for a few weeks, but then I let something slip, and poof, its all gone. This makes having a consistent schedule damn near impossible. I can keep one, like I said, for a few weeks, but then it breaks down. Thinking on it right now, I suppose a way to get around that would be to just make a new schedule for myself every few weeks...maybe...

I'm not saying I like just flying by the seat of my pants every day and every week. I do like to know where I'll be and when. Its all the little things in between I guess. I don't like always getting up at the same time. I don't like always going to bed at this time (I never followed that rule when my mom sent me to bed, why would I do so now?!). I don't like only doing this on this day and this on that day.

I love my freedom to just change everything. I do sign up for things or have weekly things I like to do, like bowling and trivia. I know however, that if its been a bad week or when I get overwhelmed I don't have to. I have no qualms about stepping back and skipping. (I would never do that when people are counting on me though, that's just bad form.) I go into all those commitments knowing that I am in control and I don't have to do it. I go into things with a working calculation of what would happen if I changed my mind. Heck, sometimes I may skip something just because I can!

For this reason, honestly, things people want to do, want me to do, I am ok with. If I had that horrid day at work, you can bet I won't feel bad about not doing something else. I know internally the best thing for me is to do what I feel is best. If that is going to bed, waking up, cleaning, class, bowling, any other sport...anything really...I don't want my schedule to stress me out, my life does that enough. :)

*Disclaimer: the only thing I have no control over schedule wise is my actual job. No wonder it is the thing that gives me the most stress from all angles.

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If You Try

You can fool anyone if you try
No one has to know what's going on.
Stories to cover feelings.
Laughter to mask any fear.
The world can see what you present,
The smiling happy person
They all want you to be,
With no cares attacking your mind.
Your friends will think what you want.
Plans cover up unease.
Chatter will fuel all bonding,
Fun times erase any broken heart.
But there is always that one person,
Who will see past your fake bravado,
Call you on your bull shit,
And actually help you on your way.

Some nightmares stay with you too long

A few days I had a nightmare. To most people it sounds ludicris, but it was a nightmare to me. I don't remember lots of it, but I remember being terrified and being forced to make choices. The whole time I was being forced to make choices the devil (no, he had no face or form, it was just 'there') was laughing and trying to make me fall and thus get my soul. I started praying in my dream. This worked a bit and the power of the dream subsided enough that I realized I was dreaming...but not enough to wake up all the way. I forced myself (real self) to start praying outloud. I woke up praying to God. I had to keep praying for a few minutes after to get my heartbeat back and control of my body. (I was able to open my eyes, but I couldn't move anything other then my mouth, and the words were being croked out.)

Obviously this whole thing bothers me, because I can still remember it vividly. Crappy thing is, this isn't the first time I've had a nightmare where I forced myself awake by praying. I guess on the whole, it makes sense, a natural reaction to fear? But otherwise it freaks me out. Having those sorts of 'dreams' messes with me for weeks. Things feel off and I don't sleep well. I'm gratefull I know how to pray though, because if I didn't...I don't know how I would ever be able to sleep again...or wake up from those nightmares.

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The Natural Way of Things

So carefully it all gets planned
The natural way of things
No mistakes are ever made
Just changes in the way it should be
Best made plans are laid to waste
Things are never as they appear
Yet so carefully it all gets planned
Oh, the natural way of things

That today was a good one

Part of me wants to have a nice simple weekend. I have four days off work, I want to enjoy them. Part of me wants to do as much as I can that doesn't involve work, but involves time with friends and family as much as I can. These two things don' necessarily work together...and so far I have been more busy then I have relaxed. I'm not really complaining though.

I went to sleep early last night. I think I woke up around 3 like usual when I go to sleep early, but forced myself to just lay there and close my eyes. When I woke up around 8:30, I woke with a horrid migraine. Thankfully I didn't have to work so took some Excedrin and went back to bed.

Around mid morning I got up, felt better and headed over to a friend's house that was hosting a brunch. The boy was invited too. It was a nice afternoon. The boy had other kids to play with and I had other adults to talk too. Granted, I was the normal, stand sort of to the side and smile nicely for the first hour or so. Yes, friends that know me, I am shy and I am not as much of an extrovert as you take me form. Anyway, as the morning/afternoon went on I became more comfortable with these people I had never met. (I only knew the hostess really.) Other then a few times where politics were brought up and the bashing of conservatives came in, it was all very enlightening and interesting. Talks of food, computer science around the world, local politics, government issues, softball. lol :)

After this I headed over to another friends house where I got to play Battlestar Galacticafor the first time (and second). Its a somewhat complicated game with a great deal of strategy...the kind I like. lol Although the first game I felt like a fish out of water and I don't think I was able to help my other human players all the much. The second game where I was a secret cylon was much smoother....and craftier. :)

Ended the day with some easy going movie watching. Watched Star Trek for the 4/5 time. :) Always good....and this time it was in the comfort of a home, so I could comment on the weird things that I saw. lol Love the movie overall though!!

So, I have 3 min to finish this up, and I want to make it on time. I also confiscated my friends laptop so I could complete it. Which means, that is all for now. Hope you all had good shopping experiences today...if you went. lol

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Yet another freebie tonight. Somehow I left my moleskine at home!! I don't have my poem today and I can't think of one this fast. I'll add it later.

How I am even still awake is a surprise to me.

First and foremost, HAPPY THANKSGIVING! I hope it was a good day for you. If you weren't able to spend it with family, at least a good day to relax.

Like I said before, Thanksgiving was at my house this year. I got to sleep late last night...and then kept getting up thinking I had left the stove on. Bah. Anyway, I set my alarm for 8:30/9 to get up and put the turkey in...and then maybe slip back to bed for a bit.

Nope, not gonna happen. I was woken up at 7:30 and avoided getting up till 7:45. My brother I think was only trying to help me, but I had this fear he was wanting me to get the turkey in right then. BAH! So I finished prepping it. (I made a brine for it and a special spread.) Got it in the oven and then decided to just finish up some other things. And then get the table ready. And clean. And then clean myself. Then cook some more. Then it was time to eat! The whole morning gone.

The I had to clear the table and then we started playing games. We played games till 10:30. Nothing crazy for us really, but omg, I was tired. I don't think I have played cards that bad in a long time. lol At least I was able to function for Pinochle.

Needless to say, right now, with my almost 5 hours of sleep and all the work I did yesterday and this morning, I am about dead. I almost closed my eyes while we were playing!

I however, have a tradition to continue. You can't see the past ones, because I have/had different blogs, but I do like to say what I am grateful for. :) So here we go!

• My family. I love my family. As much as they might drive me crazy at times, I would be lost without them. They don't know me best, but they've know me longest and at my worst, and are still around to tell me they love me.
  
• My friends. Oh the categories of friends that I have. The many different areas of joy and life you bring to me. How boring and lacking would the world be without you. I am so thankful that the world collided our living spaces. :) lol
  
• To my friends that have known me longest, I have to be grateful to them for sticking around when I was driving myself crazy this year. You have no idea what that means to me.
• I am thankful I have a job. It may not be what I want. It may not be where I want to stay, but I have a job, and right now, that is a big thing.
  
• I am thankful that I am smart enough to learn new things...and that I have people willing to help me do so.
  
• I am thankful for my son. He may drive me to the edge of insanity more times than not, but I love him to death and his hugs make all the problems in my world melt away.
  
• I'm thankful I am not a 'cookie cutter' person. That I was taught to listen to people and to the whole story and to people individually. ...at least I think I'm not a cookie cutter person...
• I am grateful I live where I live. yeah yeah, there is not beach and no mountains, but I love it here none the less. Maybe I don't want to be here forever, but can't think of anyplace I would rather be.
  

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Rather be

Boring day, nothing to do
Always get a smile when talking to you
Silence is fine and jokes are good
Even the ones that aren't understood
Meaningless chatter rambling on
Don't hardly notice when your mind is gone
Sometimes it is though, and its hard to see
That many a times there is someplace you would rather be

I may avoid things because I stress them so much

By all 'technical' standards, I am late on this one. If I was living on the West coast, I would be golden still though. However, I did write most of this one earlier today so, I think its still valid for Wednesday.

My days are never like they are supposed to be. I didn't have to work today, but I need the hours so I was going to go in anyway....but when I wanted to. Things seemed to run smoothly. I got some things done...and then they didn't run so smoothly. It went from productive to nothing quick. That happens when your server decides it doesn't want you to be able to work on your computer. This was actually a good thing to happen, because that meant I was forced to go home.

Sunday I was told Thanksgiving would be at my house. Sunday. UGH! Not that I would say no, I am honestly somewhat excited at the prospect. However, this involves shopping and cleaning and planning and cooking...and more cleaning. I worked all day Monday & Tuesday. I got some shopping done Tuesday. But I was going to clean Wednesday. This is why I went to work all day instead. So when I got home I think I went into complete freak out mode. Cooking and cleaning all the same time. WOO HOO. I am now stressing about food. And room. And food. And plates. And everything. I know it will be fine but. ahhh!!!!

Granted, this could also be because every year I write a blog on Thanksgiving about all I am grateful for and my hopes for the next year. Every year I also look back at my old blogs to see where I am. How have things changed. What else am I grateful for, what was I grateful for. This year is no different. I looked last year's up today.

Its such a different place where I was last year at this time then where I am now. Against my best wishes, it did make me cry. I'm sure everything works out the way its supposed to. Things are the way they are. I am still so grateful for everything I've got. I'll still write my post like I do every Thanksgiving. I'll still share all the things I am thankful for. Unfortunately, I made it somewhat bittersweet. I really hate it when the past comes up to bite you in the ass.

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Restaurant Dilemma

I'm eating alone again
I'm the only one sitting here alone
My book on the table
My pen in my hand
Does not disguise that
The booth opposite of me
Only holds my feet
And not someone to share my meal

Blocked

Damn, I'm blocked. I have many blogs to write, but can't make myself do it right now. Stupid mind is running in circles of insanity. Boo. So I will write how I am blocked and I if I can fix this, I will come back and fix it. Otherwise, this is the sad little blog for the day. Damn.

The good things for us are always the hardest

For over a year now, despite a week or so there, I have been pretty consistant in working out. Out of all the things I am not consistant about, working out, oddly enough, is not one of them. I love physical activity, and where as I may take breaks here and there, I always get back to it. The end of September and all of October were not such good months on the working out.

I beat myself up over it weekly. "Oh no, another week has gone by and I haven't done anything. I need to go work out or the next time is going to suck." I said this a lot. I think I worked out maybe once or twice. I gave myself a hard time because I like working out and I felt that all progress I had gained back, was now gone. Ya know, slippery slope kind of stuff.

Then people starting saying nice things like "oh, you are looking really good! You look like you've lost some weight." Random people I didn't expect to hear it from. My brother! All so weird. And then I would feel guilty because I worked so hard and I was just losing all my tone. boo

I've been much better this month. I haven't posted all my workouts like I used to (will be doing so this week) but I have been getting on at least a three a week cycle. A bit less then what I was before, but its a start. Besides, convincing myself I want to go so I can feel that burn the next day is not as easy. What is easy is sitting at my computer or talking with friends. That is easy. lol But that is the way of the world, those things that really are the best for us, take the most convincing to do.

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Oh they say

Oh they say so many things
And tell of things to do
Of what will happen if you wait
And what will pass if you sit on the sides
Oh they say so many things
And tell of things to do
Of what will happen if you act too quickly
And all the things you miss if you don't pay attention
Oh they say so many things
And tell of things to do
But you can never be sure what is right
Because for you anything can still be true

The more they know, the more they can hurt you

Its funny how, once we get to know someone, we know what can hurt them most. What can cut the deepest and sting.

Its not funny how sometimes those we care about use that against us to make themselves feel better.

Or how a friend can say something, that from a stranger might hurt, but excusable, but from a friend, its a deep cut/insult.

There is no avoiding this in life. It happens. Hell, we all do it knowingly or not. This does not make the hurt of it being done any less. Or the shock of someone doing it any less. Nothing makes it better, because we all believe that those that know us best know what hurts us and would avoid doing those things to us. Nothing makes it better when we are proved wrong.

Nor does it settle well in your soul when you see it being done to a friend.

Nothing like having your insecurities used against you.

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Just another goodbye

Our time alone on this day is through
We both walk the path to the door
Small talk finished
There is nothing left to do
Plans for tomorrow repeated
One more made up question
To make the minute longer
One more silent pause
Without further word or comment
Arms encircle the other
Quiet warmth and happiness
An extra squeeze to make it last
No one times a hug
When it is just another goodbye

My cheat day

so again I am at a friend's. I had a topic, but the movie is playing. Maybe I'll make up for it tomorrow...maybe. No poem either. Nothing prepared. Have a good weekend!! :)

I expected a cheesy movie...I got insanity on film

Almost missed my deadline tonight. I am still actually at a friend's house, so this will be quick.

Tonight I watched G.I.Joe the movie. I totally expected it to be stupid. It is a remake of a CARTOON I get that. I don't have high expectations for it or the plot or the dialog. Honestly I didn't. I was prepared to laugh at the stupidness and what not. OMG what did they do to the cartoon that I loved as a kid?

The graphic violence shocked me throughout. There is killing...and then there is killing that I would have expected to see in Saw, I saw the latter. I was not happy with that. I have issues with that kind of random violence. But fine, it was a 'summer blockbuster guy movie' I can except it.

The one or two inconceivable things in the beginning that happened were, well, funny actually, but then...it just got worse. Totally stupid and then it started going away from the heart of the cartoon. Yeah, I was expecting some of it to be related. I don't know how you can have the G.I.Joe real American hero, if you have a group of foreign soldiers. Not that you can't do that, but it made no sense. Also took away from the fact that they were all just 'good ol boys and girls doing their best'. I found it more than laughable that the guys would have a small cut on their face through the whole movie, no matter how much time passed, but Scarlet gets beat down and choked, and those marks are gone by the end of the day. Really? Ugh.

Don't even get me started on how they escaped through an elevator to the top..ya know, the top that had just been ignited and was falling down in the water! lol

I'm not mad, I am just disappointed that everyone was right. The movie was really bad. Really really bad. There really were some opportunities for it to turn out good, but seems like no one wanted to take it down that road. Grrr

Oh, and Scarlet is supposed to end up with Duke. That's the way that works. Its my little girl memory and fantasy. They ruined that. Damn them all to hell.

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So Like a Drug

After days of misery and wondering
I awake to a normal sun
My mind is again my own
My days are all my own to fill
Than a word or two as a teaser
Leaves me wanting more
A conversation, than a long breather
And my heart starts staring at the door
Just a simple meeting, it will make it go away
But it just makes it all stronger
And I only want you to stay
Than quickly back to nothing
You back away again
And I start the withdrawal process
Until the next time than.

Where do you live?

Growing up in Joplin, I wasn't old enough to drive (obviously) and the town was spread out enough, that I didn't go wandering all over. I went where my family went. That's what I knew. Slowly, over time, I learned where everyone I went to school with lived. I have been to all their houses. I just knew where everyone was.

When I moved to Oklahoma for a year, same thing, I just knew where everyone lived. Went to everyone's house.

When I moved to Kansas, the town I finished HS in, I learned fast. First because of where I lived in relation to the school and how close so many others did too, and then because my friends could drive. I knew where everyone lived. I had been to everyone's house...even those I didn't like. It was just normal. I knew where my friends (and enemies) were.

Then I moved to Lawrence. The same happened here. I went to everyone's house, everyone came to mine. I knew where my friends were. The past few years, lots of my friends have moved away. Now, this sounds weird, but now I only know where about a quarter of my friends live. I could probably give you a general area for all of them, but I haven't been to many of their houses. Its weird to me when I think about it. Its weird that I could be driving down their street and pass their house without even knowing it.

Yeah, that is what Caroline is thinking tonight.

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What we want to hear

The words that were needed
Things that had been hoped to be said
Were left out of the plans the day had
Or forgotten in loo of other things instead
They weren't important words
Or filled with some deep powerful meaning
But they were words sorely missing from the day
And could have prevented it from going careening
The words can not be prompted or guilted into use
They would only work if said freely and said with utter truth
Making a soul feel better when they are feeling low
A complement, on the house of life, is a stronger roof

working and perfecting the work

I have a dilemma in my life. As much as I like to sleep and just enjoy nature, I 'like' to work. I like getting focused and getting things done. I like to get those things done well. This is not my dilemma.

My dilemma is my job. For reasons, I just don't have my heart in it anymore. Its not there. I also don't feel like a job well done is noticed or rewarded. This is my dilemma. I have a huge project that is going on. Its somewhat fallen on me to get going. I, at my whole, want it to go smoothly and be a big success. I want to do well. But I also don't feel the drive to work on it outside of my office. There is no reward or ever 'thanks!' for doing that. The last time I worked outside the office, off the clock, I was told that it was great that I did that, but don't expect to get paid for it, no one asked you to. So I don't really feel like working on this outside of work.

Thing is its killing me. I want to do things. I want to promote and create when there aren't patients around and phones ringing. I want to have this thing go awesome. My workaholic/perfectionist side demands that I do something. But for the second time this year, I say 'screw you' to me, and I am playing the stubborn card. Yup, twice in one year. Take that fate! I can change my ways! HA!

On that note...well, I was going to write more, but...idk, things are getting to me and I am no longer feeling it. Boo. Thankfully I worked on some poetry earlier so I can just copy and post. Maybe I will sleep early tonight to offset my sleep last night. Maybe.

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You Tell Me

So tell me how this is supposed to go
How the feelings should show
When do I get the even break
And not get left drifting in the wake
Of all the thoughts and emotions told
And all the feelings and situations left to unfold
Tell me how I'm supposed to act
Because it seems as if I'm always off track
I hate the feeling of just floating free
And not knowing if we can talk, or if I should let you be.

oh dependence vs independence

Its like being bipolar at times. Because I want to be independent. Well..actually more to the point I have to be independent. However, I also want to be able to be dependent on someone, but not be wholly dependent on someone. Its a line I feel we all walk. I know I walk it a lot, mainly because I don't really have that one person to be dependent on. I have had to learn to be dependent on me, otherwise, good Lord, I don't know what my life would be like.

This doesn't mean I like the fact that I am the one that does everything around the house, from cleaning to fixing. That I have to be able to fix the machine when it breaks or mow the lawn. That I have to know how to change a tire, even if I can't really do it. I do like the fact that I can be my own person. That I know where my money is going and when and why...even if its not always the best for me. lol That I can choose where to go and when (generally, I do have that child that needs me).

Yet, it would be nice to share these things with someone. Its not always bad to have that one person that has your back. That person you can call on to help no matter what. My independence isn't due to my not wanting the help, its because I don't have it that I can do it all on my own. I sort of hate that. lol There is no real answer. Just back and forth. As we all are in life. Joy for that.


Oh, and don't forget, UMB sucks. Pass it on. (Yeah, still annoyed.)
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What a world

The world had never really been
A place for constant rest
Situations beyond our understanding
Spring up and pound us in the chest
There are those times of peace, yes
Where the days seem to drag on by
But too often we are given days
Where we throw our hands up to the sky
Everyone needs a friend to lean on
We all have our burdens to bare
We all have our fights to be happy
And find reasons in all that is there
Life offers a confusing lineup
Of people and places and things
The search for the meaning of strife
Won't ever heal the feelings

No, really, I'm not a fan of pain

One would think I was though sometimes. I've been getting migraines since I was in Jr High. Its sadly, a way too common thing for me. They go in cycles of severity, but more often then not, I will have at least one migraine a week. How sad is it that its one of the few constants in my life?

I used to keep a migraine journal. I would mark what I ate, when slept, when I would get the migraines, when I would get just a headache. I found some common things that can trigger one. There were some that were unaccounted for, so I looked at attitude and stress. Bingo, found some more...but still some just random. Ah, weather. Pressure or the storms bringing in allergens. Then there is sleep. So basically, I have found that just about anything can give me a migraine. Food, habits, sleep, weather, people, and life. There really is no way for me to avoid it all...and I don't plan on it either.

I leave it up to fate as to when everything will combine to form one. I keep Excedrin on hand at all times. I make sure I can help fend them off with Coke. I have two special 'migraine' pillows. I know relaxation techniques. I know some acupuncture locations to help lessen the pain. I don't however take any prescription medicine. I get asked this A LOT. (Along with, have you ever asked a doctor why you get them?) I have, in the past, taken two different types. Neither of them really worked.

Well, let me explain. The one pill really did nothing. At the time, I did go to the doctor because I had had a massive migraine for 5 days straight and I couldn't go to work. I couldn't function because of the pain, so I broke down and went. The drug I was prescribed lessened the pain, but didn't make it go away, and while on it, I couldn't take anything else. So when it wore off, I was miserable. So that one will forever be off my list.

The other one that was given to me was a beta blocker. It could have been great. I went a few weeks with no migraines. I was feeling lethargic and my asthma was effecting me more often, but no migraines..until I got one. It was the worst one I had had in a long time. Seriously thought I was going to die. Nothing I did could reduce the pain of that mf. That's when I learned that this method (at least with me) would reduce the number that I had, but when one 'got through' oh holy Hell, it was bad. Needless to say, after a few months of that, I decided to go back to taking my chances and saving my money.

The only thing positive about this is that they aren't all powerful, knock me on my ass migraines. I get some that I call 'functional' migraines. I still would love the lights to all go away, all sound to stop, the flashing in my vision to cease, but I can work with it. I just have to go slower. I can still work and get through the day. Its the ones that come and knock me on my ass to show me who's boss that still keep me home some days.

I know if I eat a big bowl or popcorn or chips & salsa, that I will more than likely get a migraine the next day. I know if the weather changes in any way, I will more than likely get a migraine. I know that if my job or personal life starts to get rough, I will more than likely get a migraine. I know if I get too much sleep or too little, I will get a migraine. Its a joy knowing that. lol I know though. Its not a fun thing, but its something I have dealt with for years. I wish I didn't, but at least I know I can...for the most part. lol

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We've danced this dance before

We've danced this dance before
Round and around as it falls
Softly and soundly to the floor
Each time it seems so new and fresh
An experience new to share
While invoking memories and visions
In the swirling presented there
We've danced this dance before
Each year, a time or two
While some yearn for it to become more
So many others are ready for it to be through

It can leave you lonely anyway and that being the 'baby' of the family can be rather annoying

This weekend has been really good. I've spent time with friends and/or family each day. I've laughed, cooked and had good times.

Today I woke up earlier than I wanted, but it was ok. I put a loaf or two of bread in the oven and rolled out some dough for my pumpkin pie. As it was all cooking I hung out with my son and nephew (who had stayed at my house last night). Things didn't cook quite as fast as I wanted it to, so I didn't get to go watch an area bridge get blown up with my family, but I did watch it online...and was treated to an awesome pumpkin pie just minutes after the explosion.

Gathering some games, cookies, pumpkin pie, pumpkin seeds and pumpkin pie (see a trend? lol) I headed over to my parents house. See, my parents were taking my son and my niece down to Florida over Thanksgiving break, and since they were all going to be gone, I convinced them to have Thanksgiving early. Today. This is why my sister drove up.

We played some games and then had an awesomely good and large meal. :) We usually just do turkey, but they got a ham this year too. There were tons of mashed potatoes and candied yams. My sister brought some rolls up from a local bakery that were scrumdidilumous. Needless to say, we sat with a food coma for a while...and then played more games....and watched the Saints claim another victory.

As we sat around a few hours later having dessert they mentioned something about the week of thanksgiving...and them being here. It took me nearly 15 minutes to get out of them what they all apparently already knew, my parents were no longer going to Flordia, they were staying here. We would all be here for Thanksgiving. SERIOUSLY!?! ugh

Don't get me wrong, I am very happy that they are going to be around, but 1) could no one TELL me this? I found out in passing! 2) I had finally gotten used to the idea, I had excepted it. I had started formulating plans in my head. 3) They haven't told me what, if anything, we are doing now. Are we going down to my sister's now? Staying here anyway? ~ I should be used to this by now, I either don't get told or asked or its assumed I know. I swear I feel like Cindy in the Very Brady Christmas movie! lol

Anyway, the day was good. I'm not mad about them not telling me, annoyed, but not mad. Finished it up playing some more cards with my folks and brother, which is always fun.

Since then, I have been home. Watching tv. I don't do that very much...or ever..anymore. I am though because I just have this feeling...and I don't know what it is. Like something/someone is missing and I am not sure what. Its all very vexing since I don't know why I should be feeling this now. So bah to that! Bah to the fact that I know I have friends and family out there, and I feel so alone right now anyway. Woot, bring on the holidays. lol End emo mini rant.

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Hope in Happiness

Arm in arm so naturally
The warmth carressing skin
Eyes that meet in infinity
Shocked heartbeats wait to begin
Electricity passes through the soul
Without thought our hearts give in
The smile of hope upon the face
To be this happy can't be a sin

It really is good for you

Despite the downfalls of my job, I do enjoy it. I enjoy helping people to see. Especially when they didn't know the options out there to help them see better.

When I started working there years ago, I rarely wore my glasses. I wore my contacts almost non stop. This is because I liked the ease of the contacts and I saw better. As part of my job, it was really in my best interest to get a new pair of glasses, so I did. Since it was my first pair, they let me get all the 'bells and whistles' as you might say. I got thinner aspheric lenses (I have a -7.75 rx, and that means my ass is damn near blind without glasses or contacts), I got photocromatic lenses and I got an anti-reflective coating. I know these things probably mean nothing to you, but they have become second nature to me. I could do without the photocromatic, but the thinner aspheric lenses and anti-reflective coatings are no longer options. I can see better, and I can't give them up.

This is why I have no qualms with telling my patients about it. It is worth it. So I am sharing with all of you, because chances are I will never talk to you about glasses, but you should know the differences just the same. I won't get into the technical talk (yet) but I will share the basics about some of the options out there. Tonight, anti-reflective coatings.

This coating is good for everyone, but if you have anything above a +/-2.00 you should have it. Why? The coating (ok, actually its not a coating, but is actually part of the lens if you don't get one of the cheap versions) allows more light through your lens. Sounds weird, but this lessens the visual noise for your eyes, allowing you more sight. Due to the manufacturing and basic nature of materials, once you have light hitting the lens, it bounces off, reducing visual clarity. When you have an anti-reflective coating (AR) it lets the light through. You actually get 10-20% of the rx back and it is closer to what you had when you were in the doctor's room.

When I first learned about this, I thought, "ok, sure, it makes the lenses clearer, I don't see why that would make a difference." I sold it, I liked it on mine, but it was no big whoop to me. Then one day I tried on a pair of glasses, with my rx, that did not have the AR. OMG. I thought the glasses were horribly scratched up and dirty and the edges were so distorted (that's from them not being aspheric). That's when I noticed the lack of AR. My vision was cloudy and strained looking through the non AR lenses. I have never doubted the benefits of it sense.

AR 'coatings' are great cosmetically, as they make your lenses disappear. They help with night driving in reducing the 'halos' you see around lights. They reduce eye fatigue at computers and when you are under florescent lights. ...and generally, depending on what kind you have and where you get them, they have a very strong scratch coating, which also gives you a very good warranty.

Not all AR is created equal. Some manufacturers do coat the lens. The ones we like to work with the most 'bake' it into the lens. Various minerals are broken down and bonded to a sterile lens. This process takes about 24 hours usually. These are the coatings you should get. They ARE worth the money. If someone offers you Super Hi-Vision by Hoya GET IT. So far that has been the best coating that I have worked with. The longest and best track record. Essilor makes a good coating too, Crizal Avance w/ Scotch Guard, or Crizal Alize. The Avance has only been out for a little over a year, so I can't tell you the track record, but so far it has been working very well for people. These coatings also do better then others because they have an aquaphobic and oliophobic layer. That means it repels water and oil, making the lenses easier to clean. Think of it as RainX for you car.

Some people have had AR before and they hated it because it was 'hard to clean and got dirty so easy'. One, the above mentioned brands have those coatings to help against that, but more importantly with all of the AR coatings, they don't smudge any more than your everyday non coated lens, you just see it. Remember me saying the coating lets more light in? Well, if you have a big ol finger print on the lens, it is blocking the light, that is what is bothering your vision. Those plain plastic lenses have smudges on them too, you just don't notice because the vision already has a 'hazy' look anyway.

I just thought you all should know, without someone trying to sell you something.

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The Sweater

An ordinary day
Just trying to find something
To wear and get on the way
Nothing seems to work
Everything seems to not fit
Or it looks wrong
Just feeling off
Pick up the sweater
The old standby
The one that was going
To be given away
The one that would
Not be worn again
Feel the fuzzy of it
Envelope in the warmth
Then hit with the memories
Slapped with why it was
Going to go away
Then see the date
See what it means
Sit in awe
Wallow in a bit of sadness
Take it off again
And start all over

Cooking and writing and working out oh my

Today was one of those days where you can take your time doing everything. Nothing is rushed. You get to do what you want and accomplish it. Until the end when you realize you poorly miscaluated how long it would take to do certain things and you see that you have 15 minutes to do an hours worth of stuff in so you can meet people. Needless to say, my blog is getting the worst of this. I am not sure I will be back before 12, so I am doing this now...knowing its making me later. How do these things happen? Ugh. At least I have the smell of bread going through my house. The bread might not look right (because yeast hates me) but oh my, it smells awesome. lol

Maybe I shouldn't post when I'm pissed... (UMB Bank Update)

...But I'm pissed.

Update from my earlier post where I didn't out UMB as the bank that turned greedy.

I am trying to remain calm. I think I did for as long as I could. Not being able to do anything though, is likely to drive me crazy. Because I am helpless. I am a small account. I am one person. I do not matter, so there is no reason to help. There is no reason to make it right. But by all means, you surely can talk condescendingly to me. Seems fair.

I went to the bank today. I went in calm. I waited for the guy to come out. I told him what was up. I told him about what had happened in Sept and Oct and this month. I told him I could no longer afford to bank at their bank. I told them I wanted to close my account. He looked. He 'explained' how the postings work and how what I said happened could never happen for the first one. Things always post within 3 days. And of course, they can choose any of those three days.

The most fun about this part (and this is why I didn't want to talk to them before or anymore) is that their computer system that they see our accounts on, is totally different then the one they let us see online. Or that they print for us. Just another way of making sure that you can never be right and that there is always a way to show that they are right. Go UMB. Sad thing is I am sure they are not the only bank to do it this way.

So he wasn't going to do anything about ANY of the fees, and because the fees were there they can't close an account. Oh, but they can charge it off and send me to collections!Oh, and it won't show up on your credit report or anything, you can just make payments that way. That way I won't get any more negative balance fees in the open account! Isn't that nice?!

In his defense, the man I spoke with was being nice. He didn't look like he was enjoying this, but that he just couldn't/wouldn't do anything. He did offer to hold the account till Monday to talk to his branch manger and then she could talk to me, but I work, I wouldn't be able to, and for what? For her to tell me that they are in the right and there is nothing they can do for me either? I sat and thought for a minute about it, but then told him I couldn't come in that day, I was off today and tomorrow. Then he thought he could grab the customer service manger and she could help.

Of all the ideas he had, this was the worst one. Because *service* was not what she wanted to be doing. She was instantly rude. Basically started off with so you want to charge this off, why don't you just do so. I explained about the past three months. Again said, I didn't think you all would do anything then, but I am in now. I don't think those charges are right. To which she turned and looked at me and was like 'well, you come in talking about all these old charges that you said you think were wrong, but you never called or came in and now you want something done about them, and they are probably all valid charges anyway, what do you think we could do?' If my eyes could have turned red, they would have.

I had been calm. I hadn't spoken in anger. I hadn't whined. I hadn't cried. I had simply spoken and then by the end of her talking, I did get a bit pitchier in my voice. So she asked if I wanted to charge off again. I hesitated again, I was also getting pissed. "Do I need to sign anything or do something?" "No, we will just do it right now." I thought a minute. I don't really want a charge off on my record, whatever he says. I also knew that it would mean I couldn't open an account at another bank until its paid off...which means I would have to pay their bs fees.

Then she said something else. I don't really remember what it was, but it was rude and condescending and that was the final straw. I stood up and smiled and said "yeah, do that. Close it or whatever." She looked at me confused. "I said, yeah, do that. Because, you know, I didn't think you all would be helpful, but I gave you a chance. I have people curious to know what you would do, and now I get to tell them. So yeah, do that." They both looked at me with both confusion and maybe a bit of shock. Walking away, shaking my head I said, "Yeah, I can't wait to tell everyone I know."

I am sorely disappointed in UMB.

lol I also have no bank now. Woot! This should make bill paying fun!

Why be an expert..

There is a sad thing I have noticed. Something I myself am guilty of. Distrust anyone that says they are an expert at something. Or if they are trained in that area. So often when we ask for advice, we weigh it against what we think the other person is trying to sell us. I get this too often at my job. Honestly people, I just want you to see well and like your glasses. That mechanic, he just wants your car to run right. Ok, well, not always. There are people out there just looking to sell you something, but really, if we listened to the basic advice, we might see that no one is selling us anything, they just want to help.

...um, this is also my 'weak' blog. There may be more this month, but I admit this is one.

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Like a Drug

Slowly the feelings drift away
Almost like a distant memory
Thoughts and emotions made up
So very long ago
The dream state takes over
Its no longer relevant to life
To the everyday
To how everything functions
It takes but a day
That takes all that away
Cutting it all fresh
There in front to face

My bank has gotten all its going to get.

Before I start, I don't like to talk about actual personal money issues. Its a line I draw and that I don't like to share. I am crossing my line, and this will be my most embarrassing (to me) and uncomfortable (to me) blog I can write. I know, I've written about a lot...but this. ugh.

I can no longer afford to have an account at my current bank. My bank has gone stupid. Well, not stupid, greedy as sin. My bank wasn't stupid. I've been there for a few years. They were friendly. They were helpful. I didn't mind that they had one branch and one ATM in my city, because I liked them. This has all changed.

When I opened my account, the banker told me the best thing about their bank was the 3 day post. What is that? It means, that if you use your credit card, you have three days to make sure there is money in the account, or get money in the account to avoid being overdrawn. Cool. Great for that weekend before payday.

Earlier this year, I had spent some money here and there. Money that was in the bank. I knew that an automatic withdrawal would come out that Monday, but I also had money to deposit that day. No worries. Right? No. They changed the rules that week, and switched how they did the posting, so everything went negative. Like twice. I freaked out. They were charging me $400! What the hell! So I went in and talked to them. They told me that they had changed the rules, but weren't required to tell their customers. They can change what they want, when they want. The bank I opened the account with pissed me off to no end, the manager was rude and stupid. I went to the branch in town to close it down. The woman there was sorry, said I wasn't the only one. They refunded it all back to me. I calmed down. I stayed. (oh, my problem with staying with things that piss me off or screw me over.)

They did some wonky stuff here and there. I personally messed up a few times forgetting their new rule and overdrew myself. There were times when it wasn't my fault, and they still charged me. Sometimes they fixed it. But only sometimes. I dealt with the stupidity. Isn't that what you do in a bad relationship? You forget the shit because overall its ok right? Besides, then I would have to find a new bank.

My bank took advantage of my laziness and lack of going in to bitch. Well, actually, I know they don't care.

You will all know part of my biggest angst in September. My birthday month. My biggest issue that month was my bank. Let me run down the weeks for you.

Three weeks before my birthday. Payday. I pay my bills. I go to the store on Wednesday. I go out to eat on Thursday. I buy something then too. I go out on Friday. I go out on Saturday. I currently have about $490 left in my account after all of this. I know, because I checked my account those days. I saw the transactions posted on my account.

Two weeks before my birthday. Monday was a holiday. There was a direct deposit going into my account the next day. I wrote a check. On Tuesday, I noticed the direct deposit hadn't shown up. I asked my folks (yes, the grown woman gets to ask her folks) to float me some cash until that deposit went through. That night, I looked at my account. The check had not been posted or gone through. The other transactions were still showing on my account. I had not spent any more money since Saturday. I was golden, and even if by some chance what I put in didn't cover the check in full, I was prepared for the overdraft on that check.

I woke up Wednesday. Needed to get gas and pay for school lunches for the boy. I look at my account. -$428 OMG I freaked out! I had no idea what the hell happened! I look at everything. This new check, they put that in that morning. All those transactions that had been on my account all week long? They finally decided to post them 'officially' and of course after they posted the check. THEN they posted the deposit from the night before. Which did make EVERYTHING from the week before over. So they charged me $36 for each of them.

Now while a part of me was going OH SHIT OH FUCK OH SHIT, the other part was going, well, maybe they always put checks through first. So I went through and looked. Nope. Not the norm. Generally checks are the last thing posted on the days I had them. So then I got mad.

I have a friend who works at this bank. I talked to them a bit about it and all they said was, that sucks. Not let me help you, just that sucks. "Oh well." if you will. Seriously!?! MF. So now I was mad and overly embarrassed and sure that if my friend wouldn't look at it to help me, no one else would.

So I lost most of my paycheck that next week. I couldn't pay half my bills. I was running on fumes in my car. I was depressed as hell. I didn't want to celebrate my birthday. I felt like a loser. (Maybe I am, idk, but anyway...) I put some cash to the side, because come hell or high water, I was going to go out on my birthday. (And even though I friend told me they were going to pay for my meal, I wasn't sure. I was also to the point that week where I was like screw it, if I go overdrawn, at least its on my terms!) Thankfully though, I have awesome friends who took care of me that night and I didn't even ask for it. (TANGENT: For those of you with me, yeah, that made my birthday even better, more then you know. I wasn't expecting a good time at all with the mood I was in.)

This had me floating money here and there until my next paycheck. Where before it came I did use my card unwisely. Unlike in September where they took a WEEK to post it though, magically they were able to post it on a SUNDAY!! AMAZING!! So they took another $100 from me.

The next two weeks they did the same. Each time I was ok, they would then slip in another fee that I wasn't expecting (because I didn't think I had gone over) and then I was over, and then I was over twice, so they got to take even more. GO BANK! You rock at this screw people thing! This caused my power to get turned off. This caused me to not be able to pay my water. This caused a huge cluster. I figured a way to work it though. I even was able to still look like everything was fine and join friends out on the weekend. Even if I didn't spend really any money. I made it through with no one the wiser...because you don't talk about this shit with friends and family. Its embarrassing.

This past week, I didn't want to spend any money. I needed to get the kid food. I needed to pay bills. I needed to get clothes. I needed my money, but I was careful. My bank however thought that they would do another thing they'd never done before. They posted withdrawals before a deposit. So, after spending money at the grocery store (more than I usually do, but hey, I had a full paycheck in there, and I needed food in the house) I went home. Happy. My house had food and there was money to pay the bills, and if I played it right, I would have some cash for me.

That was when I saw what my bank had done. They had taken yet another $108 out of my account. This changed things. I worked things out though. I called the places. I maneuvered more things. I had enough to go to Joplin. I had a deposit going in on Monday. Things would be fine until payday. However, I must have 'missed something' (I don't think so, I've been looking) because when I looked at the account last Tuesday and I was negative. $450something SERIOUSLY?! No. I won't do this anymore. I won't. This of course, was also before I had to travel back to Joplin for a funeral.

I didn't put my paycheck in my bank this week. They don't deserve my money. Why is it ok for a bank to change their rules whenever they see fit? I don't make enough for them to take my money. I don't make enough as it is! In the past 3 months they have taken over $1072 of mine! That's almost a full month's pay! I admit, that there is probably $100 in there that I might deserve, but OMG! Who can afford to bank at a place like this? WHO!? The people that already have more than enough money in their account of course, but you can't nickle and dime them, oh, I'm sorry $50 and $100 them.

I am opening up an new account at a new bank. Possibly more than one. Its not right that because we need to be able to write checks and pay bills and have stupid cc because places won't take cash, that we have to deal with banks that don't give a patooty about their customers.

As I was not talking about this to a friend, but saying how I am going to be embarrassed as hell once I post it, we talked about how, maybe they rely on that. They rely on people being too embarrassed about what little money they have, or what mistakes they made, or how much they have, to say anything to other people when the bank messes up. We clam up. We take it. I don't want you judging me, so I won't say anything. I will suffer in silence and you can keep beating me, because I am too embarrassed to say how shitty and wrong it really is.

I may not keep a high balance. I may have to use every cent in my account every two weeks, but I earned that. I did not earn the right for the bank to change the rules to make it easier for them to take my money. No one deserves their financial institution to 'change the rules' whenever they feel like it.

I am not holding out hopes for the bank to see the error of their computers when I go in to talk to them. The way they have been this year means that they no longer care who is a customer, as long as they got your money. I will be sharing the name of this bank. But I am going to wait until I close my account fully. Which will be this week. Providing nothing bad happens, it will be tomorrow. Two days longer then I wanted, 8 months longer then it should have been.

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ugh, my head hurts...and my stomach is turning because this subject sickens me, makes me feel bad, stupid, helpless, and embarrassed. I can't write poetry tonight. Even the breezes outside can calm my spirit for it. Stupid banks.

Its not a big town?

The town I grew up in wasn't BIG, but it was a good size. I lived there for almost 16 years. I still have family there. Ask me about random people that live there and chances are, I won't know them. I know places...but people? Nope. I had the ablity to walk around stores at any part of the day and never see another soul I knew. (Keep in mind I just said had there.)

I have lived in my current town for 14 years. I went to college here. I joined various organizations. I worked at a few different places. I went to church. On any given day though, when I walked down the main street of town or went to a store, I didn't see anyone I knew. Everyone I met was new. They didn't know *Sally* who knew *Molly* who is friends with *Tina* who is friends with me. I didn't meet people from any of the towns I lived in. There was no worries. This was exceedingly special to me because it meant I never ran into my ex. (There were a few times, but come on, over 10 years and only like 3 chance encounters and 10 sightings?)

Somehow this place got 'small' this past year. Everyone knows someone. There is always someone I know where I go. Heck, half those random sightings of my ex happened THIS YEAR. I don't know what's going on, all I know is that it is weird. Not sure I like it either. lol

I guess for some this is the norm. They always encounter this 'small world' syndrome, it just never hit me before. There are good and bad things about this. Chances are when these sort of connections happen, you will hear a story from 'back then' that you didn't know about. A 'story' you told someone is more likely to get back to those you don't want it to. In 'small' spaces, people talk and don't know they shouldn't. In small spaces, you find good friends though as well. Those that will shrug off the past mistakes as that. Those that 'put up' with you because you have entered their world, and they are ok with you being in it. You can still be in a crowded room and feel alone, but you won't be alone.

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Filling my Head

Phrases passing pretty
Photos capturing the world
Words that hold strong meaning
Pictures that bring a thrill
The images they pass me
Both those made
And those residing in my heart
The dreams of all and many
The thoughts of scores and one
They fill my head with thinking
They fill my head with hope
They fill my head with questions
They give me a way to cope

I had forgotten

For reasons here and there. Reasons known and ignored. For months now. I haven't really been able to focus on my book. I've looked at it. I've talked about it. I think I wrote a few pages a month or so ago. However, for, well, almost half a year, I have been in stasis with it. I have told myself I was going to work on it. I may have even lied and said I was going to work on it. Mainly however, I just stared at it. Looked over what I already had. Did nothing.

I think a combination of things have finally unlocked though. Acceptance of some, passage of others, stronger will, and just some actual time away from work. I also can not diminish the support of some friends who won't let me forget my goal..and some that have challenged me (you know I can't leave a challenge alone! lol).

Today I told myself I was going to write. I tried the whole 'lets do something else instead'. However, the laundry was already done. The house was clean. I had nothing that needed my attention. Friends that had made plans for me originally (which honestly I was probably going to use as an excuse to not get too focused) got changed. So today, I wrote.

I have been writing all day. I've even figured out a spot or two that has been bugging me that I have been blaming my hold up on.

Its nice in a way that I can't describe to you. Knowing that all these people I have can finally get moving on with their lives. They are no longer just sitting there wanting to be on paper, they are able to be out and be shared and live. I did something that I love all day long. This makes me happy.

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Surprise

The subtle warmth of your hand
The energy your soul produces
Eyes that I have seen countless times
Lips that have touched mine
Making movements to words
Seen many times before
A story I have heard before
The turn of a head
A stance so unlike any other's
All still bring butterflies
Still shock my heart
Bring my breath to a standstill
After all the time of familiarity
Your presence still surprises me

Almost seeing an accident can be just as scary as almost being in one

Last Wednesday I was in the car with my folks on our way down to Joplin for a funeral. We left early in the day, so it was daylight out and we were making good time. It was a pretty uneventful trip considering we took the 'back' highway. (Its not the same as it used to be, they widened it and construction is over so it is actually somewhat nice to drive on now...still not for me, but anyway..)

This all changed though a few miles outside of Pittsburgh, KS when we got on a one lane highway. A four door car got on the highway in front of us. This was a point in the trip where I couldn't focus so much on the book I had so I was just watching the road with my dad. The car then swerved a bit into the other lane. Then it did it again. Then again. My dad noticed it too so he backed off a bit more. The car then looked like it was going to be ok. I chauked it up to him doing something and that all was ok. I tried to start reading again.

Fifteen minutes later I had that same 'ugh' feeling about the book so I looked up at the road in front of us. The car that had been swerving was currently in the far left shoulder of the opposing traffic and swerving right to get back in our lane. "Wow! What the hell!" My dad of course noticed it too and backed off more.

A few seconds later we noticed cars in front of us and also cars coming in the Northbound lane coming our way. The car was swerving again. Speeding up. Slowing down. Swerving. Then WOOSH! It swerved into the oncoming traffic lane about 20feet before a car to pass one of the cars in our lane! The oncoming car moved onto the shoulder to avoid him.

Unfortunately for everyone, a lot of traffice seemed to show up on the highway in both directions. This car didn't seem to care though, he kept swerving in and out barely missing cars. After the second close call I actually picked up my cell phone to call the police on this asshat. I was shaking I was so freaked out that I was going to see people splattered on the highway.

By this time my dad was really trying to put some distance between us and the crazy guy. The county dept took the info, but I had no liscense plate number and no make of the car, just the color, but they were going to keep an eye out.

When we hit the town, we had caught up with him. He was still swerving in and out of his lane, generally again into oncoming traffice. I had his liscense now, but felt silly calling back. Decided if he did something crazy or made it through town I would call again. Thankfully about a mile before we hit open highway again a cop pulled up behind him, followed him a bit and then pulled him over. I hope that got him off the road.

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What's there?

Such small things
Unnoticed when walking by
Commonplace and normal
The backdrop or scenery
Turn into focus
Develop into meaning
Can become center stage
If you just open your eye

The easy road

People take the easy road. I can't blame them. Who wouldn't want the easy road. Its easy.

Sometimes though, you gotta face that the easy road is not always the right one.

My job is a prime example. I know I should have quit years ago. Each time though, just as I was at the point, they did something nice. Routine set in. It wasn't so bad anymore. Why would I want to leave? Patterns of misery mean nothing when, "oh look, things are OK now so why should I work at changing anything?" For years people who knew me wanted me to quit. I would say yeah, I will, but then time would pass. Sure things were shitty. Sure I was still some what miserable, but hey, this was here. This was working. Who knows what is beyond what I have now! I could be worse!

This year, the shit has hit the proverbial fan numerous times. Almost 2 1/2 months ago was the last straw. Insanity that I didn't deserve nor anyone should expect at a work place occurred. This place, as much as I support it because, well, I DO still work there, no longer has the loyalty it once did. I am done. In my heart I am somewhere, anywhere, else. I didn't put in my notice right away because I wanted an exit plan first. I needed something known first. I needed a support system. I am still there. I want out, but the easy way right now is to complain about how much I need to get out, and stay. This is neither the right or the best thing for me, it is simply the easy thing.

I see this with people everywhere. With jobs, relationships, school, family. We know really what is best. We know its gonna suck to change directions, to start over if need be, but yet, hey, I'm already on this road, why change? Things can get better. There is always that valley between the mountains that make it look so much easier...until we start up the next impossible incline.

That's why we take the easy road. We need people to get the hell of the easy road sometimes. I know I do. I have told friends to remind me if I become complacent about work. Why do I not want to stay there. I gave myself a deadline. Yeah, I have told myself there is an option of 'well, if things really do get better' then I can stay. I can only see one or two ways of that happening. I have that out because, well, its so much easier then making myself better and happy. Doing something that gives the biggest chance at happiness and bettering yourself would take effort.

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Empty?

Words they swirl
Thoughts dance in and out
Ideas haunt and leave
No force of will
Making them stay
Getting them down
Such a trick
In such a state of mind
Of nothing to hold
Emotions that stick
Remain so quiet
Not wanting to be revealed

That I need to have people over regularly, if only to keep my house clean

I'm not a 'messy' person mind you. I do have my OCD things. However, I let the little things slide. I am fully aware of this problem. I want to do it, but when I have no 'reason' to do it, I find I don't have time to do it.

For years I had a weekly/biweekly game night at my house. Generally very simple gathering of friends. Once in a while there might be food too. The important thing here is that I had a regular schedule you might say to cleaning my house. I would make sure things were straightened and put away, that everything got dusted. Having different people over and playing different games also inspired me to move the furniture around a lot more.

This year I haven't really had that many game nights. Think a few here and there, but not like I used to. I also see that I am letting the little things slide..and build. I didn't realize how much I looked forward to having that reason to deep clean or find homes for things. Hmm, maybe look forward isn't the phrase I am looking for, maybe we should leave it at needed. lol

I'm going to try it this weekend. I may fail horribly, but ya know, some games are best played with small numbers. Think it will help me get things done tomorrow though, so that's the plan. lol woot!

Well, its been a pretty exhausting day. I didn't really want to talk about the funeral and everything today. I really just want to sleep. I'm also hoping tomorrow gives me something to focus on and good friends to help me laugh. So I will end again with no poem. At least not one fully composed, so, yeah, you aren't getting one.

Hope all of your weeks are going better then mine.

Sometimes you can't hide it anymore

(Bare with me here folks, I am on a different type of key board and my fingers are still trying to find a rythm, this blog might have more issues than normal. Sorry.)

I went 'back home' today for Mary's wake. It seemed like it was all going smoothly. I couldn't focus at work and we were slow, so I went home early. I took my odd feeling as just getting things ready at my house for my friend who would be watching my son.

I was riding down to Jopin with my parents so I didn't have to worry about the issue of gas or driving. we hit the road. I had brought books, my iPod, my moleskine, and notes for my book. I was going to do things on the car ride down. All I could mangage though, was a few pages of reading here and there. I blamed my lack of focus on the book. I blamed my unease on my dad's driving.

We hit town sooner than I thought we would so we stopped by my sister's store. I wasn't really in the mood to look around, but my parents were. So I just wandered up and down the aisles. I just took this as me being tired.

We got to her house a bit later and then my brother came over. It was like a weird family reunion. Not very often we are all together unless its a holiday...or a funeral I guess. We had an hour or so before the wake and everyone wanted to go get food. I wasn't that hungry, but I knocked that up to having an ok lunch and it being 'early' for me for dinner.

Then we got to the funeral home. I was ok. Talking to my brother as we walked in. Then I saw my childhood friend. Then I saw the people. I grew silent. I was still 'ok' but something felt weird. Signed my name and then went in and saw Liz, Mary's daughter. We hugged, and it was like nothing had changed over the years..except I was taller. lol Then I saw Tom, Mary's youngest. He got up and hugged me. Like with Liz, I was introduced to those around him as his other sister. The fact of how close our families were and made us like a second family.

Then I turned towards the front of the room where Mary was laying. No one else was up there, so I went to say my goodbye. I have done this part before. I have said goodbye to family and friends. I didn't know that seeing her there. Seeing it finally there like that, would hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew then why everything was so off all week. This was much more then I wanted to admit. I sat there saying sorry for not coming more. Sorry for not saying goodbye. Just sorry. That she had meant so much to me and was such a huge part of my growing up. That she was that second mom to me. I was crying. I got up and walked to the side for a tissue. Looked up and saw her family. Saw Liz who was barely hanging on, so I walked out the side door. And then I lost it. Completely.

I was glad no one was in that hallway. I was trying so hard to keep it in, but there it was, pouring out of me finally. I ended up balled over trying to control the spasms passing through me. I don't lose control like this. At least, I never had before. I got control and walked the far way from the door trying to get some composure. By that time they were about ready to start the rosary so I went and found my seat next to my brother. I sat there with, what I hope, was a vacant expression. One of my old classmate's mother was sitting in front of us and she started talking to me. Thankfully my brother and another old family friend held most of the conversation so I could just sit there and nod.

Then her family walked in for the rosary. The tears started again. I couldn't stop them. I tried. But as soon as one was wiped away, the another replaced it. I tried to lose myself in the repeating litany of the prayers, but I could barely utter them. Total suck. So finally I just took off my glasses and sat and listened.

After the prayers they started a short slide show of Mary's life over her coffin. One of the pictures was from one of our Sunday dinners/game days. My dad was in one corner, I was in the other, Mary was in the middle with Charlie, Liz and Tom. It hit me once again.

It was all gone. That would never happen again. My childhood was gone and those that were key players in it were gone as well.

Then I finally went and talked to Charlie. He was the one that was in my class. Even though I totally lost touch with him, he didn't bat an eye when introducing me as a sister. And honestly, like with others, that old bond was still there. There was no awkwardness in giving any of them hugs. It made it hard though to look in his eyes as he watched the slides start to repeat again.

A woman who I had spent so much time with. That I had known for 28 years, but had lost a bit of touch with the past few. She was gone. I lost my second mom. A woman I kind of took for granted always being there. I forgot how important that family was to me, and this all brings it back. I miss them. I missed it all when I moved away. I was hoping everything in this town was like in some special 'status' chamber, but I know that doesn't happen. Everyone grows up and changes. Memories are what we have.

My sister and I talked a bit tonight about how, well, we feel selfish when someone dies. We aren't mad they died. We think sometimes they are lucky. But we think of how we are still here and now we have to deal with life without them. It effects us now. They are free of the worldly confines. We are still here...and we miss them.

My poetry tonight is simple silence. (Ok, so I hear my dad sawing logs downstairs, but silence otherwise.) Just a simple poem of our lives, and how memories and people weave them in and out.