Not Sleeping

Caroline has been thinking that the narrative for her story is all wrong. She wants a rewrite. Her dad shouldn't be dead. He was just here. There weren't waves of people at his funeral. He should be procrastinating about his next project.  

Because Caroline needs sleep. Even with an Rx from her doctor,  she's not able to fall asleep. She'll think she's tired. Go to bed. Think about anything,  but still ends up sobbing. She thought starting the process at 10:30 would help, but it's 1am and all she has is heartache & a headache.  

Caroline is sure the storyline is wrong. Snap the fingers & correct it.  Reboot. Something to make this surreal storyline right again. 

Saying goodbye

Caroline's been thinking that one is never prepared for things that you've not experienced before. 

My dad passed away this morning. So many thoughts. He's been fighting cancer since at least 2018, and he had do it through COVID. That wiped most of his will, because there was nothing he could do or places to go. No friends to visit with. 

Went to sleep last night drunk. I haven'tbeen sleepingwell this week and I needed some help to fall asleep. Even drunk though, around 2am I was still awake and just crying and screaming and...all over the place. I knew this day was coming, but obviously didn't think it'd be today. Woke up around 4am to pee. I  thought. My watch (connected to my phone) went off saying my mom was calling. I knew what that meant. 

Called my mom,  she told me he had died.  I got dressed and headed over. From there everything seems very surreal. Random things making me go from calm to inconsolable. Seeing the funeral home & my son, carry my dad from his room to the black bag and then leaving the house. My dad left the house for the last time today. And I don't know how to cope.