So, that may be the only time I ever say/write that phrase. EVER. lol (I'm just not 'cool' enough to say it.) However, it sort of sums up what I have been thinking about.
There are very few things that can make me feel as crummy and worthless as money. It is absolutely amazing. I could be out with friends or sitting at home with a book, and something with money pops up and poof, its all gone. Its not so much just the worry, I think everyone worries. Its the actual feeling of shame or failure that comes with it. "Oh I could have done better here, or done this there, or not done that." It will drive me absolutely insane.
I don't think any of my friends are out there silently judging me on my money. Ok, I think one is. But otherwise, no. You don't know what I make or what I spend it on or what I owe. I know that is true...but that's not how it feels.
Someone once said money isn't everything. I think they had good intentions in saying that, but at the heart of it they are wrong. Sadly.
We work, for money. We need money for bills. We pay the bills so we have a place to live. We work for money so we can spend time with family or friends. We need money to be with others. Its a weird crazy cycle of the world. We work so we can have money so we don't have to work. lol Its not everything, but it does inch into every part of our lives.
I'm not sure exactly where this post is going. lol I'm not whining...or trying to whine. I'm just saying, I have more mood swings from money issues than just about anything else. I hate that it has control over me. I hate that when I ignore it, it just bites me in the ass harder. lol Ugh, its all about the Benjamens.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Deep Breaths
Deep breaths
Deep breaths
Can't you feel them
In your lungs
Deep breaths
Deep breaths
Get a grip
You're almost done
Deep breaths
Deep breaths
When did your throat
Become so small
Deep breaths
Deep breaths
Even though I'm gasping
I can't feel them at all
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Ideas for me
I sent out an email to a few friends a few days ago. Friends from all aspects of my life. With all different sorts of experience. I wanted some advice, and thankfully they gave it.
I like to cook. I like to cook from scratch. I like to cook from scratch those things you don't get everyday. I love to share these foods with people. This past year I have enjoyed cooking a few meals for my friends. At these events people jokingly (or at least I took it that way) told me I should start a restaurant and cook. Granted, that is actually one of my dreams..not to cook, but to have a restaurant, you should see me plans. :)...but that will be a while before I get some things settled.
The past couple weeks though I have had a few people ask me to make them some of the food I make. A few of them even offered to pay me. woo hoo for that. (Polish pierogies, cabbage rolls, bacon fry....and if someone has any pics of the food I made for Polish Night, I would love to have copies of them...please? :) )
So, I was thinking, since I enjoy doing it, and I don't HAVE to do it, maybe I could sell some of this food to people. This was the question I posed to my friends, if they thought it would be a good idea or if it sounded stupid.
I was surprised to get resounding yes-es from all of them! (Yes that it was a good idea! lol) They also helped me make some of my concerns/issues concrete so I can work on ways to resolve them. (Few of those issues being how to sell it i.e. fresh or frozen, and how do people reheat them so they still taste good, how do I want to package it, and how will I want to price it.) I did learn that in the city/county I am in, I won't need to get a special license or permit (which I figured I might, and who knows, maybe if I do ok at it I will get one).
So I am sort of excited by this. Yeah, its something else on my plate, but I want to keep adding things to my plate that I really enjoy...and by all means, if I can earn money by doing this, all the better! So thinking in the next few weeks, I may be making some food and testing it out...which means I'll have extras..which means I'll need to share it with people!! lol More game nights!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On an unrelated subject, I think I broke one of my toes! I don't know how, but it HURTS. SoB
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just a Bit Farther
It starts out so simple
The distance in your head
The path right in front
One foot in front of the other
One breath after another
Houses and people
Get passed by
Then the way gets harder
And you struggle to keep up
You force yourself to look ahead
You know the end will come
You know you can make it
Just a bit farther
I like to cook. I like to cook from scratch. I like to cook from scratch those things you don't get everyday. I love to share these foods with people. This past year I have enjoyed cooking a few meals for my friends. At these events people jokingly (or at least I took it that way) told me I should start a restaurant and cook. Granted, that is actually one of my dreams..not to cook, but to have a restaurant, you should see me plans. :)...but that will be a while before I get some things settled.
The past couple weeks though I have had a few people ask me to make them some of the food I make. A few of them even offered to pay me. woo hoo for that. (Polish pierogies, cabbage rolls, bacon fry....and if someone has any pics of the food I made for Polish Night, I would love to have copies of them...please? :) )
So, I was thinking, since I enjoy doing it, and I don't HAVE to do it, maybe I could sell some of this food to people. This was the question I posed to my friends, if they thought it would be a good idea or if it sounded stupid.
I was surprised to get resounding yes-es from all of them! (Yes that it was a good idea! lol) They also helped me make some of my concerns/issues concrete so I can work on ways to resolve them. (Few of those issues being how to sell it i.e. fresh or frozen, and how do people reheat them so they still taste good, how do I want to package it, and how will I want to price it.) I did learn that in the city/county I am in, I won't need to get a special license or permit (which I figured I might, and who knows, maybe if I do ok at it I will get one).
So I am sort of excited by this. Yeah, its something else on my plate, but I want to keep adding things to my plate that I really enjoy...and by all means, if I can earn money by doing this, all the better! So thinking in the next few weeks, I may be making some food and testing it out...which means I'll have extras..which means I'll need to share it with people!! lol More game nights!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On an unrelated subject, I think I broke one of my toes! I don't know how, but it HURTS. SoB
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just a Bit Farther
It starts out so simple
The distance in your head
The path right in front
One foot in front of the other
One breath after another
Houses and people
Get passed by
Then the way gets harder
And you struggle to keep up
You force yourself to look ahead
You know the end will come
You know you can make it
Just a bit farther
Sunday, September 27, 2009
That things we cherish change or disappear
I was walking to my room tonight and the boy was playing on the Wii, and then he called for me. Sniffled. Got up and gave me a hug. He was not quite crying, but almost. I had no idea what had gotten him upset so as I hugged him I asked. He said, "things change. I'll have all these memories of things but the things will be gone. And one day I won't have memories. I won't have any of this." As a person who dwells and fears the passage of time for those very reasons, I had no idea what to say. I asked him why he was thinking about it, but he just said he was and that he was going to one day look back and miss his old house, his friends, his toys, everyone.
I know the feeling. I just hugged him for a while and said the best thing possible that I could think of, that we need to enjoy what we have when we have it (I really need to work on that), that when we leave some things behind, it makes room for new ones and sometimes better ones (need to work on remembering that too), and that we always have our memories. We can record them down if we are worried by taking photos or writing them down.
This all makes me wonder if maybe my folks went down memory lane in my old home town with him this weekend. Or if he heard them talking about our friend that is in the hospital. Not that it matters, because, well, its here now.
Its hard to face the passage of time. The loss of things of our youth. The loss of people in our lives. It just happens. We often have no choice in it. Its damn near impossible to think of consoling a child with those facts in your mind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wash It Away
Head bowed down
Take a deep breath
As the water surrounds
Filling eardrums
With the sound of continuity
Peace enters in
Water on the face
Rinsing away the day
Refreshes in a way
That simple darkness
Can not
I know the feeling. I just hugged him for a while and said the best thing possible that I could think of, that we need to enjoy what we have when we have it (I really need to work on that), that when we leave some things behind, it makes room for new ones and sometimes better ones (need to work on remembering that too), and that we always have our memories. We can record them down if we are worried by taking photos or writing them down.
This all makes me wonder if maybe my folks went down memory lane in my old home town with him this weekend. Or if he heard them talking about our friend that is in the hospital. Not that it matters, because, well, its here now.
Its hard to face the passage of time. The loss of things of our youth. The loss of people in our lives. It just happens. We often have no choice in it. Its damn near impossible to think of consoling a child with those facts in your mind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wash It Away
Head bowed down
Take a deep breath
As the water surrounds
Filling eardrums
With the sound of continuity
Peace enters in
Water on the face
Rinsing away the day
Refreshes in a way
That simple darkness
Can not
Friday, September 25, 2009
Breaking the cycle?
No. I am not. Because as I was sitting here thinking of how I need to get back on schedule and track, I remembered that I have written about this already. Many times in fact. Seems like every few months its a 'gee I need to get back on track' sort of week. Ugh. Why do we do this to ourselves?
....Well I know why I do. I hate change change, but I need change in my schedule. I like to defy myself I guess. That sounds just as stupid to me as it does to you. Eh.
Lets see if I can break this cycle of the same stupid stuff. I think its a lovely idea. :)
~~~~~~~
Yesterday was my birthday. I hesitated to write about it because, well, I like birthdays. Yeah, yeah, I lie about my age. But hell, I've been doing that since I was a teenager, no need to stop that now. That has nothing to do with the day though.
Its an opportunity to be happy that you are here. You made it another year. Its a time to reflect and plan. Even if you didn't get all you wanted done in the past year, there is hope for the next. Its better then New Years.
This bubbly expectation of mine seems to get..well, crushed a bit. Now, yes, I have had some good birthdays. I've had friends celebrate with me. I've had stuff happen after my birthday...but it always seems flat. I expect too much and I know that. So this year I didn't expect anything. (insert world's smallest violin here) Well, I expected friends to back out of dinner and work to be crappy and blah blah.
This year however...was pretty freaking awesome. Woke up to the boy making me breakfast. (Whether I wanted it or not! lol) Weather was great. Made it to work on time. I worked with only nice people all day. My reps brought me cookies for my birthday. My co-worker brought me fried tofu. Some VERY excellent friends sent me flowers at work. (Side note: I NEVER get flowers at work. Are flowers the end all? No. Do I NEED flowers? No. But do I appreciate and get a happy little feeling when someone gives me pretty nature stuff that smells good? HELL YES! :) ) I ended up getting out of work later then I was supposed too and didn't get some of the stuff I wanted to do that afternoon done like I wanted or get to talk to some people like I wanted, but eh, it all worked out for the best. Headed to the Sandbar for a pre-dinner drink with friends. (I was expecting to just get a drink by myself and then head out to dinner, I was surprised and happy that friends joined me there, I saw another friend there, and my friends offered to drive me to the restaurant.) Dinner was awesome. I expected to pay for myself (LONG STORY) but again was surprised by a friend that paid for my meal. After dinner went back and hung out at a bar or two. Just had fun and relaxed. I had no bad feelings about the day. I didn't feel like there was more I should have done or expected. It was just really good. Now maybe some of that sounds cheesy to you or stupid or simple but...yeah, I was happy.
~~~~~~~
Caroline is thinking that her plan of 'pain till it doesn't hurt' isn't working. Of course, she also realizes that she has only done this for like 3/4 days. lol So far though, its been a bit more painful then she would like, but she knew it would be so..yeah, no big deal. Its a daily band aid of pain, or something like that. lol She's hoping though that her theory holds true, and that this doesn't hurt after a while. Otherwise, good grief, it'll make her some sort of sadist then. :( lol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From her
She sits in the chair
Seeming to not understand
All that is going on around her
There are others there
Laughing and joking
But all she gives off
Is a vacant annoyed stare
It can't be understood
How it can so commonly be
The air of personality
From her
....Well I know why I do. I hate change change, but I need change in my schedule. I like to defy myself I guess. That sounds just as stupid to me as it does to you. Eh.
Lets see if I can break this cycle of the same stupid stuff. I think its a lovely idea. :)
~~~~~~~
Yesterday was my birthday. I hesitated to write about it because, well, I like birthdays. Yeah, yeah, I lie about my age. But hell, I've been doing that since I was a teenager, no need to stop that now. That has nothing to do with the day though.
Its an opportunity to be happy that you are here. You made it another year. Its a time to reflect and plan. Even if you didn't get all you wanted done in the past year, there is hope for the next. Its better then New Years.
This bubbly expectation of mine seems to get..well, crushed a bit. Now, yes, I have had some good birthdays. I've had friends celebrate with me. I've had stuff happen after my birthday...but it always seems flat. I expect too much and I know that. So this year I didn't expect anything. (insert world's smallest violin here) Well, I expected friends to back out of dinner and work to be crappy and blah blah.
This year however...was pretty freaking awesome. Woke up to the boy making me breakfast. (Whether I wanted it or not! lol) Weather was great. Made it to work on time. I worked with only nice people all day. My reps brought me cookies for my birthday. My co-worker brought me fried tofu. Some VERY excellent friends sent me flowers at work. (Side note: I NEVER get flowers at work. Are flowers the end all? No. Do I NEED flowers? No. But do I appreciate and get a happy little feeling when someone gives me pretty nature stuff that smells good? HELL YES! :) ) I ended up getting out of work later then I was supposed too and didn't get some of the stuff I wanted to do that afternoon done like I wanted or get to talk to some people like I wanted, but eh, it all worked out for the best. Headed to the Sandbar for a pre-dinner drink with friends. (I was expecting to just get a drink by myself and then head out to dinner, I was surprised and happy that friends joined me there, I saw another friend there, and my friends offered to drive me to the restaurant.) Dinner was awesome. I expected to pay for myself (LONG STORY) but again was surprised by a friend that paid for my meal. After dinner went back and hung out at a bar or two. Just had fun and relaxed. I had no bad feelings about the day. I didn't feel like there was more I should have done or expected. It was just really good. Now maybe some of that sounds cheesy to you or stupid or simple but...yeah, I was happy.
~~~~~~~
Caroline is thinking that her plan of 'pain till it doesn't hurt' isn't working. Of course, she also realizes that she has only done this for like 3/4 days. lol So far though, its been a bit more painful then she would like, but she knew it would be so..yeah, no big deal. Its a daily band aid of pain, or something like that. lol She's hoping though that her theory holds true, and that this doesn't hurt after a while. Otherwise, good grief, it'll make her some sort of sadist then. :( lol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From her
She sits in the chair
Seeming to not understand
All that is going on around her
There are others there
Laughing and joking
But all she gives off
Is a vacant annoyed stare
It can't be understood
How it can so commonly be
The air of personality
From her
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
About new methods...
When I worked at all those pizza places we of course worked with hot things. Occationally your finger would hit a hot pan, hot pizza, or the oven itself. When I first started working at G, one of the guys wouldn't use the special tool to take pans out of the oven, he used his fingers. (the pizza was already off it.) I was shocked when I saw him do this. Honestly I told him he must not have feelings in his fingers. All it was though, was that every day he came to work, it just happened that he touched the hot. It hurt. Everytime. But slowly, over time, the pain went away. He built up a resistance to that sort of feeling/pain. I thought he was full of shit. lol
After working there for a few weeks though, I knew what he meant. Sometimes you had to grab that hot thing with your hands. I knew it was going to hurt, but I also knew it would go away. That the momentary pain was necessary...and with time it wouldn't hurt anymore. After a month or so, I too could pick up the hot pans from the oven. I didn't flinch every time hot sauce splashed onto my hand. I could push the pizza around in the oven without thinking my hand would burn off.
Ask me to do that now and I will laugh at you. Didn't need to touch something hot everyday, so it just faded. I had to constantly let myself be in that situation for it to not hurt. Letting it go I am vulnerable again...
I'm not a runner...even though I have started running. I hate running. I hate how it made my asthma start up so I'd end up gasping for air like a fish out of water. I know runners though. I also know people who run, who also hate running. Both types know the same thing, if you stop running, running is harder. If you keep at it, even the asthma will back off a bit. I laughed at this, I played sports in HS and it never got better.
I tried it though. I built it up. Day by day I would go until my lungs felt like bursting out. Till my throat was raw from the gasping. Each day I did it though, the farther I got. The more I was able to do. The longer it took for the asthma to take over. When I would take a break though..when I would not run for a few days because, hey, I was doing so well, I can take a break...the next run back would be like I was running for the first time. I had to build up the pain and I had to keep at it for it to not hurt so much.
Sadly, the following theory I have, rests solely on the the physical aspect of my body and not the mental. One can build up a resistance to pain. Its been proven all around me. Its been something I've known since I was a child. I think however, when anyone is faced with something that will bring pain, our instinct is to want to simply avoid it. Then no pain. Right? We don't believe that if we face the thing bringing us pain, that it will actually be lessened. (Why do we fight that? Its true.) So why can't it be true mentally?
Maybe we aren't letting things actually hurt us. We avoid it well, we let it slide off, we don't go looking for the things that we know will bring us pain.... Maybe sometimes we should.
I read something tonight ( I swear reading will be the death of me!) that was like a stab in the heart. My first reaction was to pretend I didn't see it. To stop reading. To move away from the pain. But, if I can touch a flipping hot metal pan and eventually not get burned, wouldn't it hold to reason that if I forced myself to see something that stabbed at my heart, everyday, that eventually my heart would build up a resistance to it too?
This plan could either bring ultimate joy to my life...or crush me. lol I am going for the joy though. I have to believe that. We all deserve to be happy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short and sweet
I turn to you to express
All the things I want to say
But the reality of all
That is around me
Stops me and gets in the way
After working there for a few weeks though, I knew what he meant. Sometimes you had to grab that hot thing with your hands. I knew it was going to hurt, but I also knew it would go away. That the momentary pain was necessary...and with time it wouldn't hurt anymore. After a month or so, I too could pick up the hot pans from the oven. I didn't flinch every time hot sauce splashed onto my hand. I could push the pizza around in the oven without thinking my hand would burn off.
Ask me to do that now and I will laugh at you. Didn't need to touch something hot everyday, so it just faded. I had to constantly let myself be in that situation for it to not hurt. Letting it go I am vulnerable again...
I'm not a runner...even though I have started running. I hate running. I hate how it made my asthma start up so I'd end up gasping for air like a fish out of water. I know runners though. I also know people who run, who also hate running. Both types know the same thing, if you stop running, running is harder. If you keep at it, even the asthma will back off a bit. I laughed at this, I played sports in HS and it never got better.
I tried it though. I built it up. Day by day I would go until my lungs felt like bursting out. Till my throat was raw from the gasping. Each day I did it though, the farther I got. The more I was able to do. The longer it took for the asthma to take over. When I would take a break though..when I would not run for a few days because, hey, I was doing so well, I can take a break...the next run back would be like I was running for the first time. I had to build up the pain and I had to keep at it for it to not hurt so much.
Sadly, the following theory I have, rests solely on the the physical aspect of my body and not the mental. One can build up a resistance to pain. Its been proven all around me. Its been something I've known since I was a child. I think however, when anyone is faced with something that will bring pain, our instinct is to want to simply avoid it. Then no pain. Right? We don't believe that if we face the thing bringing us pain, that it will actually be lessened. (Why do we fight that? Its true.) So why can't it be true mentally?
Maybe we aren't letting things actually hurt us. We avoid it well, we let it slide off, we don't go looking for the things that we know will bring us pain.... Maybe sometimes we should.
I read something tonight ( I swear reading will be the death of me!) that was like a stab in the heart. My first reaction was to pretend I didn't see it. To stop reading. To move away from the pain. But, if I can touch a flipping hot metal pan and eventually not get burned, wouldn't it hold to reason that if I forced myself to see something that stabbed at my heart, everyday, that eventually my heart would build up a resistance to it too?
This plan could either bring ultimate joy to my life...or crush me. lol I am going for the joy though. I have to believe that. We all deserve to be happy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short and sweet
I turn to you to express
All the things I want to say
But the reality of all
That is around me
Stops me and gets in the way
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
That all is well
Well...probably not really lol, I know something is sitting out there and its gonna hit the fan real soon...but otherwise, yeah. Sorry for the verbal explosion yesterday. Its what I do. Its how I move on. I get it out. Yeah, sometimes I would really rather just let it all out with someone else, but most of the time its easier for me to write it. To see it. To go back and read the craziness that I have written. Learn from it.
I don't generally mention this by actual name, but screw it. Work sucked big time yesterday for me. Yeah, a lot of it had to do with the things that keep getting told to me. Its all different too. This from the boss, this from the one that stabbed me in the back, this from a co-worker, this from a friend. Its like a big microscope too. Things got rubbed a bit raw yesterday and I tried to explain that a bit to someone. That things were getting too much there and they were driving me crazy. To which I was given a number. I said my job is making me paranoid, not that I was going to commit suicide. Seriously. ugh. So yeah, that was the pusher to the blog. Aren't you all glad you aren't night people anymore, I would feel too guilty calling you to expound on the insanity that is my life sometimes. ugh.
Other than THAT...and the thing hanging over my head...life is gonna be fine. I just feels really sucky sometimes. I think the lows are just so low they sort of kick the legs out from under you and you are on your ass looking up, you forget that you were just standing fine and you can get back up in a second. So, maybe I know that, but...at the times when you are on your ass, it takes some cathartic writing to get you back up.
It was a really good weekend. Watched the KU game with some friends. Drove an hour West and went to a country party with lots of yummy food and great friends that I miss hanging out with. Spent Sunday living in the past with some other friends. :) Then played a double header in which I 1)never struck out 2) hit a double 3)made it to third 2 times (both times we already had 2 outs so...bah lol). See, these are all good things.
I could let nagging things get to me about this or that, but I am trying not to. I really don't see the need anymore. I think also just saying I want to be me...well, that helped too. Sounds funny to say that just saying it helped, but it did.
Caroline is thinking that maybe, just maybe she can make her birthday be good. She is NOT going to say it is, because seriously, she wasn't joking about not saying that anymore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When it was new
I looked back and noticed
What I hadn't seen before
The signs and the statements
That were like a sign on a door
Looking back now I can see the change
I can take a different view
On what it all really meant
So much different then when it was new
I don't generally mention this by actual name, but screw it. Work sucked big time yesterday for me. Yeah, a lot of it had to do with the things that keep getting told to me. Its all different too. This from the boss, this from the one that stabbed me in the back, this from a co-worker, this from a friend. Its like a big microscope too. Things got rubbed a bit raw yesterday and I tried to explain that a bit to someone. That things were getting too much there and they were driving me crazy. To which I was given a number. I said my job is making me paranoid, not that I was going to commit suicide. Seriously. ugh. So yeah, that was the pusher to the blog. Aren't you all glad you aren't night people anymore, I would feel too guilty calling you to expound on the insanity that is my life sometimes. ugh.
Other than THAT...and the thing hanging over my head...life is gonna be fine. I just feels really sucky sometimes. I think the lows are just so low they sort of kick the legs out from under you and you are on your ass looking up, you forget that you were just standing fine and you can get back up in a second. So, maybe I know that, but...at the times when you are on your ass, it takes some cathartic writing to get you back up.
It was a really good weekend. Watched the KU game with some friends. Drove an hour West and went to a country party with lots of yummy food and great friends that I miss hanging out with. Spent Sunday living in the past with some other friends. :) Then played a double header in which I 1)never struck out 2) hit a double 3)made it to third 2 times (both times we already had 2 outs so...bah lol). See, these are all good things.
I could let nagging things get to me about this or that, but I am trying not to. I really don't see the need anymore. I think also just saying I want to be me...well, that helped too. Sounds funny to say that just saying it helped, but it did.
Caroline is thinking that maybe, just maybe she can make her birthday be good. She is NOT going to say it is, because seriously, she wasn't joking about not saying that anymore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When it was new
I looked back and noticed
What I hadn't seen before
The signs and the statements
That were like a sign on a door
Looking back now I can see the change
I can take a different view
On what it all really meant
So much different then when it was new
Monday, September 21, 2009
I'm a little annoyed at my birthday month right now
I mentioned something to a friend the other day...and I think I will no longer say it in jest, but in totally truth. I will no longer say a year, month, week, day, etc is going to be better then the last year, month, week, day, etc. I believe that is like a challenge cry to the world to CRUSH you. Ok, maybe not CRUSH you CRUSH you...but crush you.
I told myself no way was 2009 going to be anywhere near as bad as 2008 had been/become. (I think I had forgotten some of the really great things about 2008 when I said that.) So 2009 decided to be a challenge. Thanks so much 2009.
Last month was pretty much crappy for just about everyone somehow. So the battle cry was that September was NOT going to suck too. OMG we might as well have thrown in the towel, because I don't think I have hated my birthday month any more then I have this year.
I really want to focus on the good in my life, because damn it, there IS a lot of good in my life. There are some good people and good times. And yeah, I may be pretending something horrible isn't happening right now in my life...but that's what I do. I avoid and pretend it doesn't exist. We'll see how that pans out. (spoiler: IT WON'T BE GOOD!) However, I don't think I care anymore.(Its just going to get worse anyway, I might as well ride it out.) Shit happens right?
A big part of it is me though. I think somewhere along the line here this year, I had (or felt like I had to) to start acting like this around this person, and this around this person and this around this person and then work said I needed to act like this around this person and do this but not that, but do that, but not as much, until we want you to act like that.
Confused? So am I.
I miss being me. She doesn't get to come out as much anymore. I know I did some of it out of 'social acceptability' but really? Was that necessary? So on a long car ride, I came to the obvious conclusion that I just need to be me. Granted, yeah, I have manners so yeah, I know how to act differently in different settings. I also am nothing if I can't work on a professional attitude. So yeah, there will be that. (Actually, because of...things, work will still be my sore spot, but if I can get the rest down, it should get a little better right?)
What does that mean? Well not that I am going to start being mean to people. So don't worry. But...some people will probably be...offset? If I want to talk, I will talk. I am a sarcastic person. Good natured in it. This will probably be seen more too. For everyone. I'm not hiding some crazy personality. There isn't going to be any MAJOR changes. Hell, most people won't notice anyway. lol But I am doing it for me....and if you notice....woo hoo?
(This also means that I probably won't need to drink. Yeah, that sounds funny, but seriously, I believe I have drunk more this year and gotten tipsy/drunk more this year then I have in the past 10 years combined. Yeah. That much of an increase. (Side note: no I am not drinking every day or every weekend. Just a lot more and a lot heavier then in the past. I'm not so much liking that.) I think realized I have been drinking more so I can relax as I play a role. A role I am not happy or comfortable with. That role, not being me.)
I really don't know what I am trying to say...but...I need to rectify where everything is going. I need to control some aspect of my life and if I can control one area by being myself around ALL my friends and acquaintances, that's what will happen.
Yea for plans of action! Yea for just working on being happy!!!
Or this could all be because its been a rough year/month for me and all I really want it a good hug. Who knows. lol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gathering
Laughter echos off the walls
The warmth of the gathering is felt
In every room of the house
Smiles aren't just seen
But taken to heart
Comfort is in each soul
Stress took a number at the door
And still hasn't gotten in
I told myself no way was 2009 going to be anywhere near as bad as 2008 had been/become. (I think I had forgotten some of the really great things about 2008 when I said that.) So 2009 decided to be a challenge. Thanks so much 2009.
Last month was pretty much crappy for just about everyone somehow. So the battle cry was that September was NOT going to suck too. OMG we might as well have thrown in the towel, because I don't think I have hated my birthday month any more then I have this year.
I really want to focus on the good in my life, because damn it, there IS a lot of good in my life. There are some good people and good times. And yeah, I may be pretending something horrible isn't happening right now in my life...but that's what I do. I avoid and pretend it doesn't exist. We'll see how that pans out. (spoiler: IT WON'T BE GOOD!) However, I don't think I care anymore.(Its just going to get worse anyway, I might as well ride it out.) Shit happens right?
A big part of it is me though. I think somewhere along the line here this year, I had (or felt like I had to) to start acting like this around this person, and this around this person and this around this person and then work said I needed to act like this around this person and do this but not that, but do that, but not as much, until we want you to act like that.
Confused? So am I.
I miss being me. She doesn't get to come out as much anymore. I know I did some of it out of 'social acceptability' but really? Was that necessary? So on a long car ride, I came to the obvious conclusion that I just need to be me. Granted, yeah, I have manners so yeah, I know how to act differently in different settings. I also am nothing if I can't work on a professional attitude. So yeah, there will be that. (Actually, because of...things, work will still be my sore spot, but if I can get the rest down, it should get a little better right?)
What does that mean? Well not that I am going to start being mean to people. So don't worry. But...some people will probably be...offset? If I want to talk, I will talk. I am a sarcastic person. Good natured in it. This will probably be seen more too. For everyone. I'm not hiding some crazy personality. There isn't going to be any MAJOR changes. Hell, most people won't notice anyway. lol But I am doing it for me....and if you notice....woo hoo?
(This also means that I probably won't need to drink. Yeah, that sounds funny, but seriously, I believe I have drunk more this year and gotten tipsy/drunk more this year then I have in the past 10 years combined. Yeah. That much of an increase. (Side note: no I am not drinking every day or every weekend. Just a lot more and a lot heavier then in the past. I'm not so much liking that.) I think realized I have been drinking more so I can relax as I play a role. A role I am not happy or comfortable with. That role, not being me.)
I really don't know what I am trying to say...but...I need to rectify where everything is going. I need to control some aspect of my life and if I can control one area by being myself around ALL my friends and acquaintances, that's what will happen.
Yea for plans of action! Yea for just working on being happy!!!
Or this could all be because its been a rough year/month for me and all I really want it a good hug. Who knows. lol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gathering
Laughter echos off the walls
The warmth of the gathering is felt
In every room of the house
Smiles aren't just seen
But taken to heart
Comfort is in each soul
Stress took a number at the door
And still hasn't gotten in
Friday, September 18, 2009
I had a bad day...
But I'm not going to let it keep me down. I saw something last night, that had I thought about it really, I wouldn't have let myself see...but I did. And it killed me. More than I thought it could. Its so strange how things can have that effect on you. Anyway, I knew what I was feeling/thinking was pointless, so I laid down and went to sleep early. Only to wake up at 3am...thinking. So I said 'fuck it' and read more things that would depress me. lol Yeah, I know. However, I said I only get this day. Then its done. No wallowing in grief over this for days. I think I can do this.
So I made it an emo day. I was staying home anyway so it was perfect timing to just shut off for a bit. I let things bother me. I didn't hide what I was feeling from myself. I just let it out. I took it in. I over analyzed. I cried. I forced more pain on myself. Cried some more.
Then, when I thought I was done, I got a call that I didn't get something I had been hoping for. Being my emo day, I can fully say, yeah, I knew I wouldn't. I wanted it too much. And if you've known me for a while (or stick around to know me for a while) you will see the pattern where, regardless of the fight I do or don't put up, I don't get the things I want or the things that will be good for me. Its just not in the cards of fate for that to happen. So I cried a bit more. ...then forced more pain on myself. lol Yeah. it was that kind of day.
It all gives me lots to think about. I don't know why I stay here. I mean, I do...but they are cop out reasons. I can move on. I can try someplace else. Where? I have no idea...but idk...maybe fate is telling me that its time. Get the hell out of Dodge or we'll crush you. Or it could just be the emo day talking. We'll see tomorrow. But...things have to change...somewhere.
Caroline is thinking that, yeah, she could have done without the emo day...but she's ok with it. Memory road sucks a lot of the time...but it is also nice to remember sometimes too. Its such a tricky road. She's confident all will be fine tomorrow. She'll wake up and this Friday will have dissipated. That's the hope anyway...and she is nothing if not full of crazy ass hope.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Loud Silence
The silence is so welcoming
So much more than expected
Who knew that the silence
Of the distant highway with
Traveling trucks
And crickets and grasshoppers
Stating their ground
And the wind blowing through
Your ears after chasing the trees
And the water splashing as it
Travels down a small waterfall
Could be the best silence of all
So I made it an emo day. I was staying home anyway so it was perfect timing to just shut off for a bit. I let things bother me. I didn't hide what I was feeling from myself. I just let it out. I took it in. I over analyzed. I cried. I forced more pain on myself. Cried some more.
Then, when I thought I was done, I got a call that I didn't get something I had been hoping for. Being my emo day, I can fully say, yeah, I knew I wouldn't. I wanted it too much. And if you've known me for a while (or stick around to know me for a while) you will see the pattern where, regardless of the fight I do or don't put up, I don't get the things I want or the things that will be good for me. Its just not in the cards of fate for that to happen. So I cried a bit more. ...then forced more pain on myself. lol Yeah. it was that kind of day.
It all gives me lots to think about. I don't know why I stay here. I mean, I do...but they are cop out reasons. I can move on. I can try someplace else. Where? I have no idea...but idk...maybe fate is telling me that its time. Get the hell out of Dodge or we'll crush you. Or it could just be the emo day talking. We'll see tomorrow. But...things have to change...somewhere.
Caroline is thinking that, yeah, she could have done without the emo day...but she's ok with it. Memory road sucks a lot of the time...but it is also nice to remember sometimes too. Its such a tricky road. She's confident all will be fine tomorrow. She'll wake up and this Friday will have dissipated. That's the hope anyway...and she is nothing if not full of crazy ass hope.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Loud Silence
The silence is so welcoming
So much more than expected
Who knew that the silence
Of the distant highway with
Traveling trucks
And crickets and grasshoppers
Stating their ground
And the wind blowing through
Your ears after chasing the trees
And the water splashing as it
Travels down a small waterfall
Could be the best silence of all
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Focus Focus Focus
I've had a hard time being able to focus on the things I really want to focus on lately. ...Like my book. It just sits there in the corner of my mind nagging at me...but I can't make myself write. The words and emotions and visions needed to write were gone. I don't know where they went, but they took a vacation. Perhaps they decided they wanted the summer off. Who knows, but after being stressed to the hilt the past few weeks, having an appointment last week, and being sick this week, I think they've decided to come back.
I'm not saying they are all great ideas, but I was able to actually write out a page for my book. It flowed too. It wasn't write a few words, think it over, write a few more...it actually all just worked. Best thing is I could have written more, but the poem that I was feeling had be written down. lol
I think being sick has kept me away from some of my strongest stressers. That being work. We all need to work. But it is where I spend so much of my time during the day, and things that happen there so often spill all over the rest of my life.
I've also been able to talk to some friends this week, and I didn't realize how much I wasn't talking..or how much I was bottling up. Everyone has their different levels of comfort with different people, I had forgotten how easy it is for me to share some of the most (in my mind) embarrassing aspects of my messed up life with a friend because she doesn't blink an eye or make me feel judged at all. She just listens and then says, "you know, if you had more self confidence, you would be dangerous." Or another friend, who I had been unsure about opening up too because I know some of what I want to say/feel sounds absolutely crazy/childish, but was able to talk with, and not feel that way. Or another who shows their trust in me by confiding in me and then listening to me babble about nothing...or puts up with the little bit of advice I give them.
Caroline's been thinking that she's not sure how long this will last. She means she knows she'll have to go back to work soon (the boy is sick today, so its like an extra day off!) but, she hopes she don't lose this calm she found. Well, as much calm as a person on the edge of freaking out about this or that can have. lol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Someone told me a while ago I needed to start titling my poems again. I used to a few years ago, but just stopped. So I will attempt at doing so again. Maybe my readers can come up with better names...
This Peace
As the wind slowly pushes against you
And the various insects make their daytime presence known
With a straight face you look forward
Watching the talk flowers of gold
Dance with the taller weeds of purple and green
You observe as the trees gently wave back
And the water moves on swiftly behind
You wonder if it isn't all possible
To keep this picture, this moment, this peace
Always present in your mind
I'm not saying they are all great ideas, but I was able to actually write out a page for my book. It flowed too. It wasn't write a few words, think it over, write a few more...it actually all just worked. Best thing is I could have written more, but the poem that I was feeling had be written down. lol
I think being sick has kept me away from some of my strongest stressers. That being work. We all need to work. But it is where I spend so much of my time during the day, and things that happen there so often spill all over the rest of my life.
I've also been able to talk to some friends this week, and I didn't realize how much I wasn't talking..or how much I was bottling up. Everyone has their different levels of comfort with different people, I had forgotten how easy it is for me to share some of the most (in my mind) embarrassing aspects of my messed up life with a friend because she doesn't blink an eye or make me feel judged at all. She just listens and then says, "you know, if you had more self confidence, you would be dangerous." Or another friend, who I had been unsure about opening up too because I know some of what I want to say/feel sounds absolutely crazy/childish, but was able to talk with, and not feel that way. Or another who shows their trust in me by confiding in me and then listening to me babble about nothing...or puts up with the little bit of advice I give them.
Caroline's been thinking that she's not sure how long this will last. She means she knows she'll have to go back to work soon (the boy is sick today, so its like an extra day off!) but, she hopes she don't lose this calm she found. Well, as much calm as a person on the edge of freaking out about this or that can have. lol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Someone told me a while ago I needed to start titling my poems again. I used to a few years ago, but just stopped. So I will attempt at doing so again. Maybe my readers can come up with better names...
This Peace
As the wind slowly pushes against you
And the various insects make their daytime presence known
With a straight face you look forward
Watching the talk flowers of gold
Dance with the taller weeds of purple and green
You observe as the trees gently wave back
And the water moves on swiftly behind
You wonder if it isn't all possible
To keep this picture, this moment, this peace
Always present in your mind
Monday, September 14, 2009
That I was close to taking someone's offer..
...But figured my guilty conscience would kill me afterwards. Then it was brought up to me that the scenario I would want to happen might not anyway...so that really made it not worth it. Although a part of me is saying, even if they weren't serious, 'WHY THE FUCK NOT?!?! Try it! Maybe!" ....but that leads me backwards. There is nothing there for me anymore. I need to keep my eyes in front of me. What is behind me is gone, and sometimes, you just have to let it stay there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Words are so easy to slip
When they've been bottled
For such a long time
Secrets that you are happy to keep
Erupt at the most shocking situations
To people who should never hear
Yet along with the fear
Of others knowing too much
Is a sense of relief
That something has been
Released, that was pressure
For way too long
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Words are so easy to slip
When they've been bottled
For such a long time
Secrets that you are happy to keep
Erupt at the most shocking situations
To people who should never hear
Yet along with the fear
Of others knowing too much
Is a sense of relief
That something has been
Released, that was pressure
For way too long
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Is that its like getting called to the big leauges
Ok, well maybe not that much, but in a week (ok, possibly months) of shitastic events in my life, this one is kinda cool.
I've been bowling with the some of the same women for over 8 years. One of them used to bowl pro. She's very nice and very good. My average on the team has either been 2nd or 3rd out of the 4/5/6/7 of us (we have changed team mates a few times). However, she has never chosen me to be her doubles partner in any tournaments. She has always chosen the woman that she's known the longest. That's fine with me, but sometimes I felt that wasn't the best pairing..especially since it left me bowling with someone 20/30/40 pins below my average. (not so good in the tournament.)
Anyway, she looked at the book averages from last year and it worked out that it would be best if I bowled doubles with her. This made me happy. She is competitive as all get out, but, idk, think it would be fun to have a chance...
Tonight I also see that she wants to win. First, she gave me a new bowling ball. Yeah, that's right. A nice one too. (For reasons I won't go into, she got it for free, so she didn't spend money.) Which I thought was awesome. But she totally wants me to get it drilled soon so I can start practicing with it. lol That, and for the first time in a long while, she offered me advice on my approach. Its hard to see what you are doing wrong sometimes, and thankfully she told me. I can totally use this advice and hopefully improve my game.
I am overly excited by this. lol Its like being picked first or something. Granted, it doesn't mean much...but I was chosen. And I think I needed that. I needed to be the one chosen over someone else.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The misty air
Surrounds the light
In the darkness
To simply stare
Forgetting the fight
Dulling the pain and starkness
So few will know
The simple beauty
Of the cloud
Made present below
Naure's done its duty
To distract by not being loud
I've been bowling with the some of the same women for over 8 years. One of them used to bowl pro. She's very nice and very good. My average on the team has either been 2nd or 3rd out of the 4/5/6/7 of us (we have changed team mates a few times). However, she has never chosen me to be her doubles partner in any tournaments. She has always chosen the woman that she's known the longest. That's fine with me, but sometimes I felt that wasn't the best pairing..especially since it left me bowling with someone 20/30/40 pins below my average. (not so good in the tournament.)
Anyway, she looked at the book averages from last year and it worked out that it would be best if I bowled doubles with her. This made me happy. She is competitive as all get out, but, idk, think it would be fun to have a chance...
Tonight I also see that she wants to win. First, she gave me a new bowling ball. Yeah, that's right. A nice one too. (For reasons I won't go into, she got it for free, so she didn't spend money.) Which I thought was awesome. But she totally wants me to get it drilled soon so I can start practicing with it. lol That, and for the first time in a long while, she offered me advice on my approach. Its hard to see what you are doing wrong sometimes, and thankfully she told me. I can totally use this advice and hopefully improve my game.
I am overly excited by this. lol Its like being picked first or something. Granted, it doesn't mean much...but I was chosen. And I think I needed that. I needed to be the one chosen over someone else.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The misty air
Surrounds the light
In the darkness
To simply stare
Forgetting the fight
Dulling the pain and starkness
So few will know
The simple beauty
Of the cloud
Made present below
Naure's done its duty
To distract by not being loud
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Is it possible my bed is too comfortable?
I'm not saying that because its hard for me to wake up in the morning. I ask/say that because I just haven't been sleeping well.
A week ago I got a bunch of new bedding stuff. Very happy me. New sheets. New comforters. New pillows and two mattress pads. One was sort of flat. Cushy, but flat. The other is a big ol' down pillow type. Ultra comfortable. With all this stuff though, I sort of 'sink' in my bed and in my pillows. I wonder if its too much.
Yes, I am totally sure that work and other things are contributing to my poor sleep, but I've woken up three nights in a row multiple times feeling too hot and surrounded. Now, could also be that the weather is all messed up and with the ac off, it gets to warm in my house later. idk.
I don't want to give up any of the comfy though. So...idk. Guess I don't really care? lol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is always something more to do
There is always something more to see
Yet when I see you during my hectic day
The rest of the world seems to blur away
My mind may settle from time to time
On matters of this or that
But the focus of my whole world
Is undeniably you
(hmm, not overly happy with that ending...but putting anything else seems like it would be too much. This could be another one that I revisit. You should have heard the version of this that I composed in my head the other night, but didn't want to get up, find my glasses and type or write it out. lol)
A week ago I got a bunch of new bedding stuff. Very happy me. New sheets. New comforters. New pillows and two mattress pads. One was sort of flat. Cushy, but flat. The other is a big ol' down pillow type. Ultra comfortable. With all this stuff though, I sort of 'sink' in my bed and in my pillows. I wonder if its too much.
Yes, I am totally sure that work and other things are contributing to my poor sleep, but I've woken up three nights in a row multiple times feeling too hot and surrounded. Now, could also be that the weather is all messed up and with the ac off, it gets to warm in my house later. idk.
I don't want to give up any of the comfy though. So...idk. Guess I don't really care? lol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is always something more to do
There is always something more to see
Yet when I see you during my hectic day
The rest of the world seems to blur away
My mind may settle from time to time
On matters of this or that
But the focus of my whole world
Is undeniably you
(hmm, not overly happy with that ending...but putting anything else seems like it would be too much. This could be another one that I revisit. You should have heard the version of this that I composed in my head the other night, but didn't want to get up, find my glasses and type or write it out. lol)
Thursday, September 3, 2009
I'm not really a hypocondriac
I used to always think I was sick. I usually felt sick. But everyone always told me I was fine. Its probably why I feel like a hypochondriac now. I would have this symptom and that symptom, but nothing really concrete. I was sure (not sure if I don't still believe it) that I had some disease that they hadn't discovered yet. One day, they will figure it out and then 'poof' I'll be better. Granted, overall, there isn't anything really wrong with me. Just annoyances here and there to my health.
Then one night, while watching the Golden Girls this episode came on. Dorothy was sick and the doctors couldn't help her. They told her nothing was wrong with her. In the end of course she did have something wrong with her. I had forgotten most of the 2 part story line, but I always remember this scene. Made me feel a bit less crazy. lol
A few years ago I told my doctor that I hadn't been feeling well and she said next time I come in I should bring a list of everything with dates. I did. I filled two pages. I brought them with me. She looked at it, said what is this. I told her everything that I had been feeling. Then she just shuffled it away. Again, granted, maybe there was nothing wrong with me. The way my troubles were dismissed, however, somewhat pissed me off. Obviously it bothers me if I wrote it down. At least take the time to LOOK at it.
So yeah, I know I can be a bit of a hypochondriac. I don't think there is/was anything seriously wrong with me. Most of the things that bothered me before are gone. So obliviously they weren't just in my head. I think its everyone's right though, when they don't feel well, to be listened too and believed. At least a bit of empathy ya know?
Yeah, so, this blog had no beginning. No real end either. But it was one of the topics I had started writing on a few days ago. I forget why. Thought I would use this instead of whining tonight. That and my hand got hit today. I believe (no hyperbole) that I may have popped my pinky knuckle out and back. Its all swollen and hurts. My stupid hand has never felt right after I broke it and go figure it doesn't take much to make it hurt again. :( That's what I get for telling fate to 'bring it on'. I'm hoping my challenge didn't effect other people too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Where is the ryhme to this poem
He said with a questioning stare
Its not like they taught me back home
The words seem to be cluttered and just there
It is different, its true
The tempo not always even
But as long as the message gets through
I'm not worried about ryhmes that I'm leavin'
( :) Thanks for the thought for the poem today AF. hehe I needed a non-deep topic and you provided. )
Then one night, while watching the Golden Girls this episode came on. Dorothy was sick and the doctors couldn't help her. They told her nothing was wrong with her. In the end of course she did have something wrong with her. I had forgotten most of the 2 part story line, but I always remember this scene. Made me feel a bit less crazy. lol
A few years ago I told my doctor that I hadn't been feeling well and she said next time I come in I should bring a list of everything with dates. I did. I filled two pages. I brought them with me. She looked at it, said what is this. I told her everything that I had been feeling. Then she just shuffled it away. Again, granted, maybe there was nothing wrong with me. The way my troubles were dismissed, however, somewhat pissed me off. Obviously it bothers me if I wrote it down. At least take the time to LOOK at it.
So yeah, I know I can be a bit of a hypochondriac. I don't think there is/was anything seriously wrong with me. Most of the things that bothered me before are gone. So obliviously they weren't just in my head. I think its everyone's right though, when they don't feel well, to be listened too and believed. At least a bit of empathy ya know?
Yeah, so, this blog had no beginning. No real end either. But it was one of the topics I had started writing on a few days ago. I forget why. Thought I would use this instead of whining tonight. That and my hand got hit today. I believe (no hyperbole) that I may have popped my pinky knuckle out and back. Its all swollen and hurts. My stupid hand has never felt right after I broke it and go figure it doesn't take much to make it hurt again. :( That's what I get for telling fate to 'bring it on'. I'm hoping my challenge didn't effect other people too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Where is the ryhme to this poem
He said with a questioning stare
Its not like they taught me back home
The words seem to be cluttered and just there
It is different, its true
The tempo not always even
But as long as the message gets through
I'm not worried about ryhmes that I'm leavin'
( :) Thanks for the thought for the poem today AF. hehe I needed a non-deep topic and you provided. )
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
I'm being forced to do a bunch of stuff I don't want to and/or comfortable with
Its like people keep putting up these walls around me. No, scratch that, digging massive cliffs around me. Telling me in some innocent way, "take my bridge." I don't WANT to take that freaking bridge. I don't WANT to go in that direction, but you are giving me no choice! You are eroding everything behind me. I have no other direction. This is where I have to learn to fly I guess. There are some situations I don't want to spell out. I see no good coming from it, but damn, one would hope a bit of perspective was visible and that I don't want to take those bridges you offer and you are telling me to take it or jump. Seriously, where the hell did all of this come from?!
Really, I keep turning around expecting to put one thing behind me and just move on. Be happy. Focus on those things I've been talking about. Smile. Relax. Expect the best from people. Instead I keep finding one more unexpected mess to deal with. It is really vexing me. A lot. I think I am just annoyed that the universe for some reason seems to have put a tiny tiny eye on me and see what I can deal with. I thought I had good karma, so I am not blaming that. Idk really. Its just crazy. Damn it, 2009 will NOT end as shitty as 2008 did. I won't let it. So there world. Take that. I am going to start writing happy fucking shit tomorrow whether you like it or no. Flatten my tire. Make my boss do more stupid shit. Have FIVE more bills pop out of no where. Have one more dream dashed. Force me to do one more thing that hurts my heart. I DON'T CARE. I will not let you get me down. Its my birthday month. I will ROCK this month. I will take your shit and build happy little smiley faces with it.
Or something like that.
Caroline is thinking she may have just lost it...but that she really likes the outlook. If only she can keep that state of mind when all those things she said the world can do actually happen. Ugh.
Really, I keep turning around expecting to put one thing behind me and just move on. Be happy. Focus on those things I've been talking about. Smile. Relax. Expect the best from people. Instead I keep finding one more unexpected mess to deal with. It is really vexing me. A lot. I think I am just annoyed that the universe for some reason seems to have put a tiny tiny eye on me and see what I can deal with. I thought I had good karma, so I am not blaming that. Idk really. Its just crazy. Damn it, 2009 will NOT end as shitty as 2008 did. I won't let it. So there world. Take that. I am going to start writing happy fucking shit tomorrow whether you like it or no. Flatten my tire. Make my boss do more stupid shit. Have FIVE more bills pop out of no where. Have one more dream dashed. Force me to do one more thing that hurts my heart. I DON'T CARE. I will not let you get me down. Its my birthday month. I will ROCK this month. I will take your shit and build happy little smiley faces with it.
Or something like that.
Caroline is thinking she may have just lost it...but that she really likes the outlook. If only she can keep that state of mind when all those things she said the world can do actually happen. Ugh.
My days are just messed up
Its always the little things that I notice the most. How weird is that? Its like big changes, well, you see them, they are there, you have to deal...but the little things. The things that became part of you day. When something messes with them, you are out of whack. Sometimes you don't even notice that its the little changes that are messing with you.
I lost a few outlets to the world the past week or so. With the 'spies' around, not sure when I will get any of them back. My normal pattern to start the day, or release of tension at work has been taken from me. No warning, just gone. Its bad enough when you have to make changes on your own, but forced changes have never settled well with me.
I miss my normalcy. :( The days feel bad enough.
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They say the 'tortured' soul writes some great poetry. I think that is true in some cases, or most cases I guess. This time is an exception. What I have been writing isn't poetry. What I have been writing could/would be taken badly or wrongly. So, I shall endeavor to stare at the stars tomorrow, or follow the clouds at midday, and find inspiration in nature. It always has a way of circling back anyway.
I lost a few outlets to the world the past week or so. With the 'spies' around, not sure when I will get any of them back. My normal pattern to start the day, or release of tension at work has been taken from me. No warning, just gone. Its bad enough when you have to make changes on your own, but forced changes have never settled well with me.
I miss my normalcy. :( The days feel bad enough.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They say the 'tortured' soul writes some great poetry. I think that is true in some cases, or most cases I guess. This time is an exception. What I have been writing isn't poetry. What I have been writing could/would be taken badly or wrongly. So, I shall endeavor to stare at the stars tomorrow, or follow the clouds at midday, and find inspiration in nature. It always has a way of circling back anyway.
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