drama, oh drama

To say this week didn't have its share of drama would be a sad understatement. There, that is actknowledged.

Everyone has those things that bug them. Everyone has that moment where 'son of a bitch I have had enough'. Everyone has those things, that for reasons completely illogical to anyone else, either makes them mad, cry or crazy. Everyone. I would love to say that we should all just not have any drama in our lives but..really? Who would I be kidding? That would never happen.

Not just due to the simple real fact that we are all human. We all have things we mess up on. We all have different opinions. We all have things we wish others hadn't seen, read, heard, or believed. Believe me, these things are just as valid as then next thing I will mention, but I don't think its all of it. Because honestly, we could, in the right frame of mind, ignore most, if not all of this. Think of how much of that you do everyday. We learn to get along with others.

We all need some drama though. All of us.

Think of how boring and mundane your life would be if nothing ever happened to you or those you knew. Sure there are other things to talk about, but not talking about how you feel about things makes you no different then A, B, C, D, etc. We as people need some 'drama' in our lives.

Some more than others.

This does not make all drama right or wanted. Seriously, some people can't let go while others can't avoid. We will all fall to one side or another every once in a while, we are human! However, there are those that are always in the midst. There is always something going on. There is always some broken glass to walk on around them. I am sure, when you read that, you pictured someone in your mind. (I could hope its not me, but who knows, you may think I am a drama queen. Its your right to I suppose. ) These are the people I am working in my life to distance myself from. Its the crazy drama, the un-needed drama.

There is a girl I work with. She needs drama. She creates major drama when there is nothing else. Either makes it up or makes horrid choices to create it. I've know her for a few years now and I used to talk to her all the time. She would come to me with this outlandish 'made for TV' type of senirio and ask for advice. No matter what anyone said, she always took the opposite road of what was suggested. It made for more drama.

About 11 months ago, we had agreed for her to do me a favor and watch my son so I could meet someone. Around 6pm that night, she started texting me with craziness. Random thing she made up in her mind. After a bit I even started just letting her have her way, but she didn't stop. Over and over and over. Needless to say I never got to go out that night and well, I think some things in my life might be a bit different. Needless to say, I saw in that moment that she was a drama needer. Yeah, I made up that title. She needed it. She had to create some and then she had to keep it going. (I had stopped texting her by 8, she continued till round 1am...and then kept it going all weekend bringing other people into it.) I don't need drama needers in my life. I stopped talking to her that week, and haven't looked back. I will answer her queries and be poliet, but that is where it stops. I don't need someone's need for drama effecting my life.

I see her trials of drama every few weeks. Its always something more outlandish or stupid. Its attention and something to talk about...and its stupid. Yeah, I believe that we all need a wee bit of drama in our lives, but you should be able to talk about something else.

Small drama I can deal with. Big, effect my life 'for real' basis though, no. I have no need for it. I have no need for someone dragging me into drama every other day or even saying I am bringing drama. (There are some things that will always stay with you, that no matter what you want, that issue will be on your mind...I don't consider that drama.) Everyone has their bad days, everyone needs to be able to express how they feel, I understand and allow it, I need to be allowed mine too.

On that note, I am done with big drama. It was a weird week. Unhappiness at the beginning that by Tuesday, I had internalized and moved on from. From there others rumors spread and more things were said at work and with friends. Its like a big ball of unhappiness in my stomache. I don't like anyone being unhappy. (Well, currently there are two people in the world I wish any unhappiness towards and 99% chance they are not reading this blog.) I want to forget a lot of what I heard this week, I probably can't, but I am going to try, because being angry and hurt about it doesn't help me...and that is just more drama for me to deal with. (I don't deny some people the right to be hurt. Omg no, you do.) Really though, I am seeing all the adults around me acting like JrH people. Stop. Please. Grow up and lets all move on ok? ...and yes, I fully acknowledge that at times I like to water the drama tree, but I try to keep it short and 'sweet'.

On to an awesome weekend! I know we can do it!!!


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The Heart Can Do It Better

The camera doesn't remember
The picture perfectly
The eye can do it better
The mind doesn't remember
The casual conversation
The heart can do it better

That one day I will finish it

So I have been trying something different. Instead of just trying to remember what I want to blog about and rush through it, I have a few blogs started with notes in them. I have been working on one for almost a month. Is it that good? NO. I just can't seem to finish it. lol Oddly enough its about schedules and how I function. Ok, well I find it funny.

Anyway, I worked on it for a while tonight, but I fizzled out on it again, so I am giving you all this one. This blog telling you that I have a few other blogs started. Woo hoo isn't that exciting?!

No? Yeah, I don't think so either, but I am trying to share once a day. lol Hope your Wednesdays work out great for you.

By the by, my plan (you know, the one I said I was working on to see if daily emotional pain can eventually be dulled?) is still in effect. I am not doing it every day, but just about. I think in some ways it does help....but some days it just isn't good at all. So, the jury is still out on it.

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Quiet Signals

It doesn't need to be seen
It doesn't need to be heard
No need to see what it could mean
No cry out has to be given
The answer is in your heart
The answer is in your energy
When you need it we'll be around
When you need us you won't have to look

That again, hindsight is 20/20

So, I am not sure where to go with this one. Honestly, it shouldn't matter at all, but it does. It always sucks finding out a 'different' side of a story about something down the road. You've had it in your mind to think of a situation in one light. You relate to it based on what someone told you. It doesn't necessarily have to be a big thing either, but its how you remember.

What really sucks is to find out that the truth wasn't really told you way back when. That some truths were left out. That what you thought was going on, really wasn't.

This happened to me last night. Its not a BIG thing. It doesn't effect anything now really, but...I don't know. Its like a retroactive slap to the face. It makes you question things, all things, when you find that something like that was misrepresented to you. You wonder what else, what else could have been 'left out' of a story or changed? I am trying not to let this drive me mad. I am trying to not let this get me mad. For the love of Pete this happened months ago.

But here I am and let me tell you, I don't want to be here. Because for the first time, I was actually pissed. Good ol' pissed. Still a bit pissed actually. I'd been 'lied' to. Believe me, I have been going through my head trying to see if maybe I misplaced some details in my memory. That can happen. But...yeah.

I could talk it out, but it seems silly to do so now, so I choose to just let it out on here. Besides, not sure I could without sounding stupid/whiny/crazy/'enter-bad-adjective-here'.

I guess overall its one of those things that just irks/hurts. Stupid past coming up to slap me when I'm not looking. :( Bah. This too will pass.

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Not Like a Book

The answer was there
But you didn't want to look
You didn't want to care
Life was to follow like a book
The answers a simple black and white
The hero to save the day
Everyone knows how to put up the fight
The heroine knows what to say
Books are written from dreams
They are fueled on imagination
Life doesn't follow those simple themes
Nor bow to your heart's creation
You need to look around you
You need to find the truth
You need to face what was really true
Even the things that were uncouth

The problem with taking a selfish day

Is that you end up feeling guilty by the end of it. Or at least I do. I know I deserved it, but still...guess I wouldn't be me if I didn't regret a bit of it.

It was a long day. There were some really great things in it with some crappy sprinkled in. There was some MAJOR drama at the office...and it didn't involve me at ALL. Woot! lol Not positive what it was all about. Not sure I care to know. But happily a 'tattle-tale/gossip monger' (yeah, she gets a childish name because its childish what she does) burned her own ass today. That is all I know.

I'm starting to feel guilty about not going to the gym. Seriously, I miss it. ...and seriously, its gonna hurt when I go back. Because I know me, I am going to try and be right where I was before and I am going to have to build back up. SUCK! Oh well, I just have to do it and stop thinking about it at 11:30 when they are already closed.

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Can You See the Light?

Can you see the light
Showing the way
Showing the end of the journey
Its not much brighter
Nor does it shine on
Greener or prettier pastures
But its a fresh light
Its a new beginning
Its the end of what was before
The path begins anew
Finally, can you see the light?

That I may take it easy..

I've been on/off fighting a migraine all week. I think it has decided to settle in, but I haven't given up hope, so I think I am going to call it an early night. Yes, I can too do that. Its possible...I think. lol

Got stuff done again today. Woo hoo for that. Got more stuff to put on my list. woo hoo to that too. A big thanks to a friend who gave me some books that can help me to...learn something. lol I can't wait to start.

Went to trivia for the first time in weeks tonight. It was fun. I hate it when they give us questions that we've had before. I get so freaked about picking them and I inevitably pick the wrong one!! lol Oh well, still ended up winning the most points for the evening and thus, winning the shirt. WOO HOO!! :)

:( Hmm, it seems to be growing in strength. I need to wrap up this random blog. Hope everyone is doing well.

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The Last Plea

Tell me that she's the one
The one you've been waiting on
The one you've been hoping for
The one you dreamed would
Compliment your life
Tell me she's the one
That fulfills you
That makes you happy
That you want to spend
The rest of you time here on Earth with
Tell me that
Tell me the truth
And I won't bother you again

I don't really know

So, as we were bowling one of the ladies asked me how my book was going. I really wanted to lie. Because honestly, I have only written maybe a few pages in the past few MONTHS. Its not gone. I have the story (yeah, little things are tripping me up still) but I just haven't been able to. I don't really know what is holding me back. I think a part of it is that...well, parts of the book hit too close to home for me and its hard to write a happy ending when you feel like yours is falling apart. lol

But I started it in different state of mind as well. I already decided that I would be going back to that state of mind, and this was on my list of things to do. Joy!

I am trying to just get back in the habit of writing writing by doing almost ALL of my blogs every night. Let me tell you, it is stretching me. However, it is also becoming easier again. Practice right? Besides, they say the more you write the more likely it is that you will compose something good!

Today was another ok day. Nothing exciting (which I am overly grateful). There were a few things here or there that made me question myself/make me want to cower, but they were small and few.

Ending my day out in the world was bowling. I really wasn't wanting to go tonight. I wasn't really feeling it and I had had a migraine/headache (yes, different things, different times) almost all day. I went though. My first game bowled a 193. Second game bowled a 235 and last game bowled a 215. I've been doing good this year, like I said, but I keep having slump games. I didn't tonight. So yeah!! You my dear readers are the ones that I get to brag to. I know you don't care either, but who else will I tell? :) I was rather happy with my series. It gives me hope. It was even on the pair of lanes that I generally do very poorly on.

Ah Wednesdays.

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Can you see it?

"Can you see it?"
"I don't see anything different."
"Can you see it?"
"No, its all the same."
"Can you see it?"
"There is nothing out of the ordinary."
"Can you see it?"
"Let it go, this isn't a game."
"Can you see it?"
"Its all in your head.
I don't see anything changed."
"I shouldn't have asked if you see it,
But if you can feel it instead."

Rain brings with it the strangest things...

Another interesting day. Things I wish to change, but eh, don't we all have that every day? What made this so interesting though was my work meeting. It was...fun? Last meeting we had wasn't actually all that bad so I was expecting a bad one for today. Surprisingly, no. We actually brain stormed a bit and laughed a lot. Totally unexpected and very welcome.

Does this change anything in the big picture? Not really, no. However, it was nice to have a good day.

I also found that my "I'm not supposed to have an opinion, especially if its negative" has spilled over into my 'real life'. Some friends were talking about something that they don't really enjoy/get and I agree with them, but I sat in my seat all quiet not saying a word. I was with friends for goodness sake! ugh! So much for getting to be me all the time! lol

Ah well.

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A hundred times a day

At least a hundred times a day
I find things I want to say to you
At least a hundred times a day
I find moments I want to share
And at least a hundred times a day
I find times where I want your close silence
When all I need is to know you are there
And willing to be beside me

Is about candy corn

Because it is EVERYWHERE now. I love candy corn. I have no idea why. I think I had a very small amount of it last year so maybe I want it more this year to make up for it. Today I bought some 'gourmet' candy corn when I was shopping for a party. There are chocolate covered candy corn sitting on my desk. How happy am I? lol Granted, I had to stop myself because I was getting way too much sugar, but still, WOO HOO!! :)

That's it people. I want a happy simple post. There it is. What is your favorite Halloween candy/snack?

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Its everywhere if you look
In the street
In your house
At work
In your bed
Its everywhere if you look
You just need to
Let it get out
Of your head

There was a lot of weekend in my weekend

My plan, going into this weekend, was to do nothing. I had to work Saturday morning so I figured I would do that, but nothing else. Boo to everything else. That was the plan.

Then a friend who I hadn't hung out with in a while texted me Friday and wanted to do dinner and go out after. I said ok, but planned on only going out for an hour or two. Well, after dinner we went to my favorite bar, the Sandbar, we watched the KU Bar Band come in and preform. We all talked for a while then we all decided to dance on the bar...which is always a fun time there. Then we went to the local piano bar (which I had never gone to) and snuck into a VIP lounge (at the time I didn't know we were sneaking, only when we were getting kicked out of it! lol). We listened to a few more songs and then went back to the Sandbar. (For the record we were going to go to a different bar, but there was a line. Go figure!) I could have stayed out longer (they were) but I was trying to be responsible since I had to work the next morning and I wasn't sure if I wanted to flirt with this guy that was there or not (its a hot/cold thing and I just don't feel like putting in the effort), so I took off for home. That was Friday night.

Saturday went to work. Was thinking I may have tickets to the game because a friend of mine told me she won some and she didn't think they would be using them, but she had to check with her husband. When I got to work a co-worker was holding two tickets and I asked if they were for me (thinking my friend might have dropped them off) and she said yeah. But they were her tickets and she wasn't going because her friend couldn't come to town. I was going to call someone (my dad most likely) to join me, but then saw this stadium blanket up by her desk. I asked her about it and she had been planning on going to the game! She didn't want to force me to take her with her. Silly girl. So I told her she should go with me. It was hella cold, but the seats our office gets are good, so no complaints. It was a good game...minus the missing defence from KU but that is another story...

After watching KU win I went to the store and then to a late lunch with the boy. Took him out to the pond to walk around...but I was still cold from the game, so that was short. Finally got to take a nap around 5ish. Then a friend texted me and wanted to know what I was doing that night. Nothing. lol Turns out one of his friends had come to town. So I ended up going out to dinner with them and then spent the rest of the night with friends at one of the bars downtown. Followed by 'breakfast' at Perkins. lol (I will also leave out the story of my flippin' flat tire at 2am and how it made me cry. Stupid life and making you sad when you are happy.)

Today, well, today I slept till 2:20ish. Yup, you read that correctly. Apparently my ass was tired. lol Sadly though, my friends that I was going to the Renfest with today had tried texting me at 12:30 or so and were already there! So I jumped up to get ready and headed over. It was COLD outside, but still fun. I'm glad I was able to join them. It was fun, and everyone approaches the Renfest differently. Its always interesting to see. Also interesting what you end up experiencing. This time I got pulled up to dance with the 'people of the Renaissance' at the end of the day. lol Which was fun.

Finally made it home around 7:40 tonight. I know where my weekend went, but my goodness, I need a weekend to recover! I'm glad I went out and did everything. As is normal, needed something to take my mind off of things.

This week holds lots of planning...and coping.

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Glass Walls

It goes up without a sound
There is not way to see
How big it is
Or when it came to be
But the glass wall is there
Preventing you from going back
And confusing you when going forward
They seem to pop up everywhere
And you can't knock them down

Sometimes shit happens and you just don't want to talk about it

Other than my awesome abilities of denial, I also have the ability to internalize or keep quiet about things that are really bothering me. Generally when said thing is horribly... embarrassing? horrendous? makes me feel like a total familiar? I tend to clam up and hope for it to pass. Flip side is on this however is that those who know me, know something is up. But why talk about it?

So, needless to say, something unexpected and totally beyond shitty in my book happened yesterday. I swear sometimes I feel like I am five because I don't know how to deal with something. This is where I am at. Uncharted waters and no land in site and no one to call on the radio for help. This little 'event' has caused me to skip two weekly events and sort of put a stopper on my creativity.

I feel lucky that I had some friends that noticed and asked how I was. I feel bad because I didn't respond to anyone. Still not in the mood for it. Not quite at the point where I can ignore it all or spin it so I can live with how it comes across to others. I did end up using that 'other' blog I had, and it did seem to help me wind it down for some sleep.

I'm sure if I just talked it out with someone that maybe I could be convinced that this isn't all that bad. I just don't know if I can talk it out without feeling like I was being judged the whole time. Stupid psyche.

Anyway, like everything else, I am sure this will pass. I mean, I know it will. I just hate having to deal with it at all. grrrr
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Distance is just the beginning

They say distance makes
The heart grow fonder
But sometimes in the wakes
Of waves of passing time
The heart grows silent
And loses its will
Or becomes self reliant
Losing a day or an hour
Can make changes unforeseen
Silence growing in power
Making distance the norm

About random observations

~My lawn didn't mow itself for my birthday. I think it was pretty poor of my yard to not do this for me. So now I must mow a lawn that has, well, at least two week's growth. Ugh

~You don't have to like everyone around you. Sometimes you can. Sometimes it builds. Sometimes it fades. Its OK. Its life. You can't force people.

~My friends are my family. I love my friends. If I offer to introduce you to a friend of mine, it means I think you are worth keeping around. It means I value you. Its a bigger deal for me to introduce you to a friend, than to my family. (Bigger as in, I don't care if my family likes someone so much, but my friends..yeah, ya gotta get along with them.)

~I love my weird circles of friends. I love hearing one circle talk about another. lol I love them all though.

~My 'emotional pain therapy' seems to be working I think. Each day either not as many knives to the heart or stabs to the brain. We'll see. ...Maybe I should be documenting this...

~My keyboard when 'wonky' on me the other night. I couldn't type a period. All it would type is >, and the shift woudn't work to bring me new tabs. It was weird. Thankfully a simple reboot fixed it all..or at least I didn't feel like fiddling with everything else so I am glad my lazy answer worked.

~Bowling this season has been going quite well really for me. I'm keeping a good average. We'll see what happens once I drill this new ball...

~

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(I am totally cheating on this one. This is a poem I wrote in...shoot, 1993? It has always annoyed me when they push a holiday too early, and gloss over Halloween. lol Enjoy!)

There goes up the
Christmas decorations,
Presents, sales, and lights.
And we are just going
Trick or treating tomorrow...
Halloween night