Someone came back to my desk yesterday and asked if I thought heartless people were born that way or if they were taught it. Such a strange question for the middle of the day, I can only assume that she had to deal with an annoying client or something. I sat for a second and thought about it. Thought of all the 'heartless' people I've known or know of...and damn if I couldn't give the Libra answer. Both. Or just one.
I take the boy's bio for my first example. He had talked about his childhood, and his dad. Not the happiest of childhoods I guess. Wasn't horrid, but wasn't a Leave it to Beaver example either. But his mom was great. Somewhere along the way though...idk. I mean, I remember stories people would tell me about him and I couldn't believe it. Then, lucky me, I got to see it. Later on, I got to see how cruel he could be to his own mother too. Part of me is sure that the heartlessness was in him all along, but circumstances brought it out.
I think we all have a bit of heartlessness in us, its how we are treated and view the world which makes us act on it. I only say that because I know I, myself, have had some pretty heartless thoughts...but, just couldn't see myself acting on them.
I don't really know many heartless people...I try to avoid them after all. lol Yet, again, when I hear people talk about that one person they know who is just, well, a complete shit...its amazing what stories you can hear about what happened to that person. How they used to be so nice...and then bam, crap happened and it all went away.
Of course, you also have all those people who are just born mean. You see them hurting animals or just..well they are scary as kids. You can see it in them. (This could also start to work as a nurture too, because if we see them as scary early on, won't they be treated as scary and then, by default and learning, become the scary/heartless person we thought they would?)
So when I answered her, I told her both, just depends. It would be nice if it could be narrowed to one thing though huh?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So I tried a new method tonight...kind of a stream of consciousness. I actually liked it...but wasn't up for sharing...so I started another one...and yeah, not sharing that one either. lol Think that will be the rub of that kind of poem, I won't know where it wants to go, and it might take me places I don't want to be. lol Oh well, at least I managed something else. I am surprised I could because I was having a really hard time writing tonight. :( boo
The air was heavy and unwelcoming
No longer sure of the plan to continue
Sitting down, ignoring it all
Enter into a world of your own
Slowly the air shifts
New waves of cool begin to
Replace the thick heavy ones
So much easier to relax
So much easier to not get anything done.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
That I finally got some reading done...
And that I am going to force some of it on you. Mainly because I find it so interesting that ideas that were so 'original' in 1887 are still being discussed. Not that they don't deserve to be discussed, but are discussed like 'wow, new stuff' because sometimes, these ideas are just thrown aside and ignored. History repeats itself.
Excerpts from Political Science Quarterly, 2 (June 1887) Written by Woodrow Wilson
"
In his essay, Wilson was trying to make the case for teaching public administration in schools and how to go about it, and what we shouldn't do. So it is long, interesting, but long. Again, there were some points that I thought somewhat held strong today as they did then. How far we come and don't come. We are beholden to popular opinion, and for all of those who do know what is going on, sadly there are so many that don't. That makes governing the way we do so hard...because both sides of every political coin have smart people that can make good, valid points and arguments...they just get covered up by those that don't.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He holds open the door
As you walk to enter
He makes you breakfast
Before you open your eyes
He takes time from work
To simply hold your hand
He lets you be who you are
And all you hoped to become.
Excerpts from Political Science Quarterly, 2 (June 1887) Written by Woodrow Wilson
"
We have enthroned public opinion; and it is forbidden us to hope during its reign for any quick schooling of the sovereign in executive expertness or in the conditions of perfect functional balance in government. The very fact that we have realized popular run in its fullness has made the task of organizing that rule just so much the more difficult. In order to make nay advance at all we must instruct and persuade a multitudinous monarch called public opinion, -a much less feasible undertaking than to influence a single monarch called a king. An individual sovereign will adopt a simple plan and carry it out directly' he will have bu one opinion, and he will embody that opinion in one command. But this other sovereign, the people, will have a score of differing opinions. They can agree upon nothing simple: advance must be made through compromise, by a compounding of differences, by a trimming of plans and a suppression of too straightforward principles. There will be a succession of resolves running through a course of years, a dropping fire of commands running through a whole gamut of modifications.
In government, as in virtue, the hardest of hard things is to make progress. Formerly the reason for this was that the single person who was sovereign was generally either selfish, ignorant, timid, or a fool,-albeit there was now and again one who was wise. Nowadays the reason is that the many, the people, who are sovereign have no single ear which one can approach, and are selfish, ignorant, timid, stubborn, or foolish with the selfishnesss, the ignorances, the stubbornnesses, the timidities, or the follies of several thousand persons,-albeit there are hundreds who are wise."
In his essay, Wilson was trying to make the case for teaching public administration in schools and how to go about it, and what we shouldn't do. So it is long, interesting, but long. Again, there were some points that I thought somewhat held strong today as they did then. How far we come and don't come. We are beholden to popular opinion, and for all of those who do know what is going on, sadly there are so many that don't. That makes governing the way we do so hard...because both sides of every political coin have smart people that can make good, valid points and arguments...they just get covered up by those that don't.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He holds open the door
As you walk to enter
He makes you breakfast
Before you open your eyes
He takes time from work
To simply hold your hand
He lets you be who you are
And all you hoped to become.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
That there are some things I'll never understand
I guess I also don't think I ever want to either. I've been dealing with something for about two months now. Haven't talked about it with, well, anyone. Weird, not even blog. I don't want it to be something I have to deal with, and I could continue to try and ignore it...but it will eventually effect the kid the most, and I don't want that. I wonder if devling into this will just cause more problems in the long run too. Its another flippin' double edged sword, and I seem to be finding those everywhere.
I want to talk about this. I want to bitch about this. But don't feel like anyone deserves that. I know, you are all friends, but...idk, guess somethings you don't feel like burdening friends with. lol Besides, I dump enough on them. :p
Long and short of it is Caroline is thinking that she can't understand how such heartless people exist in the world and how they function, and damn it, seem to be doing better then her! Its like karma skips over certain people or something.
She's also been thinking about being 'gone' for a few days. She tried to explain what was going on to a friend the other day, but either they didn't understand or didn't believe her. Sometimes fighting things isn't worth it, and curling into that ball on your bed sounds like the best solution. lol At least it sounds like one to her at the moment.
Well, back to feeling the wind blow across my face and trying to come up with the next chain of events for my book. I have to write today or I'll miss my goal/schedule. Sadly there are already somethings that I know won't get done. boo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They don't know that they are doing wrong
Waving there in the wind
In colors of white and yellow
They can't help that they grow faster
To tower over every thing around them
They are unaware that they are slowly killing
Everything different around them
They only see all those like them
Dancing to the breezes
And drinking up the rain
I want to talk about this. I want to bitch about this. But don't feel like anyone deserves that. I know, you are all friends, but...idk, guess somethings you don't feel like burdening friends with. lol Besides, I dump enough on them. :p
Long and short of it is Caroline is thinking that she can't understand how such heartless people exist in the world and how they function, and damn it, seem to be doing better then her! Its like karma skips over certain people or something.
She's also been thinking about being 'gone' for a few days. She tried to explain what was going on to a friend the other day, but either they didn't understand or didn't believe her. Sometimes fighting things isn't worth it, and curling into that ball on your bed sounds like the best solution. lol At least it sounds like one to her at the moment.
Well, back to feeling the wind blow across my face and trying to come up with the next chain of events for my book. I have to write today or I'll miss my goal/schedule. Sadly there are already somethings that I know won't get done. boo
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They don't know that they are doing wrong
Waving there in the wind
In colors of white and yellow
They can't help that they grow faster
To tower over every thing around them
They are unaware that they are slowly killing
Everything different around them
They only see all those like them
Dancing to the breezes
And drinking up the rain
Saturday, April 25, 2009
That I'm a bit late to the party
So, while I was sitting at a pizza place last night waiting on food for me and the boy, I saw the Lawrence.com paper. Since the boy was busy with his GB, I grabbed it. Totally oblivious to the fact that this month was National Poetry Month!! wtf? lol I know people must have seen that and no one told me? lol Eh, my own fault. Anyway, I feel the need to catch up. There is only one other thing going on in town for it and that is tomorrow. I have marked the time, I got the place (just don't know where the place is). ...There is also a time frame on the 30th where you are supposed to share your favorite poem with people. I am TOTALLY excited about that. lol Not that I wouldn't share my favorite with you at any time. My poor friend that ended up joining me after I saw that article had to listen to at least four poems and how I related them to my life. :)
I feel like since I wasn't posting every day this month I totally slacked unwittingly and should make up for it somehow. Not sure on the how.
Maybe writing about why or what not and I think I may also post some extra poems. I know mine aren't the best, but they're mine. Some of them I am more proud of then others. I get so nervous sharing them sometimes, because some of them do have my heart on my sleeve, but eh, that is the point right? That and I have had some good encouragement the past year, and I can't just dis that.
I write poetry lots of times just for myself. It is an outlet. I have always, well, probably been on the verge of, lets say 'sadness'. So reading back, I know I have some dark poetry...some no one will ever read. The poetry for me captures a memory or feeling of the time. Sometimes I write to create a feeling that was lost or missed or never happened. lol I've been writing poetry, jeez, since I was in like Jr High. (You can imagine the quality of those.) The great thing is though, I read one and 'boom' I can see what I was feeling and thinking. I guess I should thank my younger self for documenting my life in a way that I can relate.
I love trying to create poems that have nothing to do with me at all. Try to imagine. They are the hardest to do, and probably the most awkward to read, but I like to throw them in there. (Besides, keeps people on their toes never knowing if I am writing about me or not. lol)
I used to have such a strong muse. Seriously, it would wake me up in the middle of the night and I would have to write. I've taken some turns in my life that I think quieted the muse..sometimes for a year or so. Yet, it always comes back. Sometimes stronger than others. I often want to thank people that make the muse appear back in my life..but not sure how I would do that. lol
Ah well, there it is. My National Poetry Month blog. Would love to hear what some of yours are. I love the 'non-mainstream' writers, and they are often hard to find. Not that mainstream or old poetry isn't awesome. There are so many types to choose from and enjoy, I don't really care what you send my way.
Ok, so I'm going to post a bunch. I don't actually expect you to read them all. lol You have a special place in my heart if you do though. lol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least ten times a day
I find something to say
To you
At least ten times a day
I find a reason to stay
With you
At least ten times a day
My memory will stray
Towards you
Its the rest of the day
With the proof of all that may
Not be
Its the rest of the day
Where sanity likes to prey
On me
Its the rest of the day
Where I understand the roll I play
In life
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(1/5/9)
How much pain are you willing to bare
Before you give yourself the space you need
A raw heart can only take so much
Before it stops feeling everything
How long can you let your emotions be ruled
By someone else's actions
Losing yourself to someone is fine
If they care about your free fall
How are you going to end this cycle
That only ends up with you unhappy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(2/6/09)
How odd it is
That you inspire me
Nature generally holds that roll
Or some contrived drama or longing
General company makes my pen spill
Feelings yet unaware and theories to be explored
How odd it is
That you inspire me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(11/92)
The ageing ambers of grain
Blow slowly in the wind
Forever will they move
Never fully in control of their life
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
('90)
Brown,
Dirt,
Barn,
Red,
Chicken,
White,
Grass,
Uncut
(OK, this was written because of some dumb ass format we had to use for class...but I really ended up liking it!! Yes, I am a dork, move ON!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(7/93) Forget Me Not (and I used to title my poems too...)
Forget me not on the road that you travel
Forget me not on the road that you take
Forget me not when your life is troubled
Forget me not when your life is great
Forget me not, and take my hand
Forget me not, I understand
Forget me not for this friendship is true
Forget me not...
And I will not forget you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(4/95) Time Ticks On
Time ticks on
No one seems to care
Everyone's worried about something,
Working all day
Sleeping all night
All spare time filled with TV and movies
Time ticks on
We rush from place to place
Only seeing the scenery if it gets in the way
Time ticks on
We cry life is too short,
That we never had time,
As if others had more of it.
Time ticks on.
Mocked are those who take their time
Those who walk outside
Time ticks on.
Days have always been 24 hours.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(1/96) The Tree
I watch as the wind blows cruelly
Through the barren trees
And it looks like my soul as you
Speak to me so heartlessly
After I've already been weakened
The situation chills me to the bone
But like the tree I continue to stand
Absorb the cold and live
Perhaps it will be a long time before
The wind stops tearing so at the branches
And perhaps it will come back again
But the tree will continue to stand
And to grow
And one day the wind will not seem so strong
And it will not tear at the tree so cruelly
By the tree's strength
The wind will weaken
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(2/10/0)
I'll never be the one
That you think of in the middle of the night
I'll never be the one
That takes away the pain by holding you tight
I'll never be the one
To subtly hold your hand
I'll never be the one
To rub your back as I tell you I understand
I feel like since I wasn't posting every day this month I totally slacked unwittingly and should make up for it somehow. Not sure on the how.
Maybe writing about why or what not and I think I may also post some extra poems. I know mine aren't the best, but they're mine. Some of them I am more proud of then others. I get so nervous sharing them sometimes, because some of them do have my heart on my sleeve, but eh, that is the point right? That and I have had some good encouragement the past year, and I can't just dis that.
I write poetry lots of times just for myself. It is an outlet. I have always, well, probably been on the verge of, lets say 'sadness'. So reading back, I know I have some dark poetry...some no one will ever read. The poetry for me captures a memory or feeling of the time. Sometimes I write to create a feeling that was lost or missed or never happened. lol I've been writing poetry, jeez, since I was in like Jr High. (You can imagine the quality of those.) The great thing is though, I read one and 'boom' I can see what I was feeling and thinking. I guess I should thank my younger self for documenting my life in a way that I can relate.
I love trying to create poems that have nothing to do with me at all. Try to imagine. They are the hardest to do, and probably the most awkward to read, but I like to throw them in there. (Besides, keeps people on their toes never knowing if I am writing about me or not. lol)
I used to have such a strong muse. Seriously, it would wake me up in the middle of the night and I would have to write. I've taken some turns in my life that I think quieted the muse..sometimes for a year or so. Yet, it always comes back. Sometimes stronger than others. I often want to thank people that make the muse appear back in my life..but not sure how I would do that. lol
Ah well, there it is. My National Poetry Month blog. Would love to hear what some of yours are. I love the 'non-mainstream' writers, and they are often hard to find. Not that mainstream or old poetry isn't awesome. There are so many types to choose from and enjoy, I don't really care what you send my way.
Ok, so I'm going to post a bunch. I don't actually expect you to read them all. lol You have a special place in my heart if you do though. lol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least ten times a day
I find something to say
To you
At least ten times a day
I find a reason to stay
With you
At least ten times a day
My memory will stray
Towards you
Its the rest of the day
With the proof of all that may
Not be
Its the rest of the day
Where sanity likes to prey
On me
Its the rest of the day
Where I understand the roll I play
In life
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(1/5/9)
How much pain are you willing to bare
Before you give yourself the space you need
A raw heart can only take so much
Before it stops feeling everything
How long can you let your emotions be ruled
By someone else's actions
Losing yourself to someone is fine
If they care about your free fall
How are you going to end this cycle
That only ends up with you unhappy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(2/6/09)
How odd it is
That you inspire me
Nature generally holds that roll
Or some contrived drama or longing
General company makes my pen spill
Feelings yet unaware and theories to be explored
How odd it is
That you inspire me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(11/92)
The ageing ambers of grain
Blow slowly in the wind
Forever will they move
Never fully in control of their life
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
('90)
Brown,
Dirt,
Barn,
Red,
Chicken,
White,
Grass,
Uncut
(OK, this was written because of some dumb ass format we had to use for class...but I really ended up liking it!! Yes, I am a dork, move ON!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(7/93) Forget Me Not (and I used to title my poems too...)
Forget me not on the road that you travel
Forget me not on the road that you take
Forget me not when your life is troubled
Forget me not when your life is great
Forget me not, and take my hand
Forget me not, I understand
Forget me not for this friendship is true
Forget me not...
And I will not forget you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(4/95) Time Ticks On
Time ticks on
No one seems to care
Everyone's worried about something,
Working all day
Sleeping all night
All spare time filled with TV and movies
Time ticks on
We rush from place to place
Only seeing the scenery if it gets in the way
Time ticks on
We cry life is too short,
That we never had time,
As if others had more of it.
Time ticks on.
Mocked are those who take their time
Those who walk outside
Time ticks on.
Days have always been 24 hours.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(1/96) The Tree
I watch as the wind blows cruelly
Through the barren trees
And it looks like my soul as you
Speak to me so heartlessly
After I've already been weakened
The situation chills me to the bone
But like the tree I continue to stand
Absorb the cold and live
Perhaps it will be a long time before
The wind stops tearing so at the branches
And perhaps it will come back again
But the tree will continue to stand
And to grow
And one day the wind will not seem so strong
And it will not tear at the tree so cruelly
By the tree's strength
The wind will weaken
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(2/10/0)
I'll never be the one
That you think of in the middle of the night
I'll never be the one
That takes away the pain by holding you tight
I'll never be the one
To subtly hold your hand
I'll never be the one
To rub your back as I tell you I understand
Thursday, April 23, 2009
That today was full of randomness...
Just as I like it. :)
Last night had a great time out with a friend from out of town. Hung out downtown all night and talked and gossiped and drank. lol If anyone is going to drink me under a table, it will be that girl...although she will be drunk WAY before me.
Needless to say, the late night led to an early morning..oh and a morning with a storm!! :) Yeah!I dragged all day. I just wanted to sleep. I did my morning salutation for yoga...but that is where the schedule left me. I couldn't make myself go to the gym or for a walk. I was exhausted. I justified sleeping in many ways. I didn't lose any 'outside' time because I spent my lunch hour outside...doing things. lol But there was tanning involved too. (Seriously, I am a goober.)
Another friend decided to make a proactive movement on my behalf, apparently because she doesn't want to be friends with a nun..and she figured out a bit of tmi from me and it boggled her mind. lol Anyway, whatever she did got me three offers for dates in less than 20 hours. I'm not sure what lies are floating out there. lol But they all seem nice. eh, we'll see. Either way, its my year of not saying no.
Caroline is thinking that she is glad that she has so many pairs of glasses and sunglasses. It makes it easy to change them with her mood...or paranoia. The other night (NOT the drinking night) she woke up, and even though she is blind w/out contacts or glasses, it was 'blurry'. So she rubbed her eyes. When she rubbed her left, everything out of the right looked like it had a big black cloud over it...not so with the other side. That hung around for a few minutes. Thankfully, Caroline works with eye doctors so she knew that since the sight came back, no pain, no flashing lights, she was probably OK for the night. Creepy though. The doctors she works for told her that if it happens again to let them know. Joy. Ugh.
Anyway, so she's been rocking out her glasses all week. On Monday and Tuesday she is sure she changed pairs at least 3/4 times each day. lol Also makes it convienent if she forgets a pair here or there when switching between sunglasses...which she hopes EVERYONE has a pair of. So not good for your eyes OR your skin to not use any...and don't bother with the cheap stuff, the quality of the LENSES is not the same.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The hours tick by
But you can't hear them passing
They seem to drag their heels
As the world wants it to go faster
Just when all seems to be going well
The hours get the message
And fly by
Last night had a great time out with a friend from out of town. Hung out downtown all night and talked and gossiped and drank. lol If anyone is going to drink me under a table, it will be that girl...although she will be drunk WAY before me.
Needless to say, the late night led to an early morning..oh and a morning with a storm!! :) Yeah!I dragged all day. I just wanted to sleep. I did my morning salutation for yoga...but that is where the schedule left me. I couldn't make myself go to the gym or for a walk. I was exhausted. I justified sleeping in many ways. I didn't lose any 'outside' time because I spent my lunch hour outside...doing things. lol But there was tanning involved too. (Seriously, I am a goober.)
Another friend decided to make a proactive movement on my behalf, apparently because she doesn't want to be friends with a nun..and she figured out a bit of tmi from me and it boggled her mind. lol Anyway, whatever she did got me three offers for dates in less than 20 hours. I'm not sure what lies are floating out there. lol But they all seem nice. eh, we'll see. Either way, its my year of not saying no.
Caroline is thinking that she is glad that she has so many pairs of glasses and sunglasses. It makes it easy to change them with her mood...or paranoia. The other night (NOT the drinking night) she woke up, and even though she is blind w/out contacts or glasses, it was 'blurry'. So she rubbed her eyes. When she rubbed her left, everything out of the right looked like it had a big black cloud over it...not so with the other side. That hung around for a few minutes. Thankfully, Caroline works with eye doctors so she knew that since the sight came back, no pain, no flashing lights, she was probably OK for the night. Creepy though. The doctors she works for told her that if it happens again to let them know. Joy. Ugh.
Anyway, so she's been rocking out her glasses all week. On Monday and Tuesday she is sure she changed pairs at least 3/4 times each day. lol Also makes it convienent if she forgets a pair here or there when switching between sunglasses...which she hopes EVERYONE has a pair of. So not good for your eyes OR your skin to not use any...and don't bother with the cheap stuff, the quality of the LENSES is not the same.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The hours tick by
But you can't hear them passing
They seem to drag their heels
As the world wants it to go faster
Just when all seems to be going well
The hours get the message
And fly by
That yes, I am ruining it.
I am ruining something, and I am doing it on purpose. Seems completely odd and the like to me...but idk, maybe needs to be done. Maybe I have just been waiting for me to ruin it, because I couldn't except anyone else doing it. Total control issue. I'm sorry that I am, and its actually sort of hard. But truthfully, I think I am the only one that notices. lol So yeah, its mainly for myself I guess. I'm hoping things that haven't made sense will. That pieces that haven't fit properly in my life, finally will. My life has a flow to it. A predictability, and things have been different.
Seems funny to me that I am the one to ruin it after all.
I'm sorry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As my friend
As a trusted confidant
I am hoping you will understand.
I am trusting that you will.
I never let myself heal.
There was never any time to.
I have to believe that is the reason.
When a runner pulls a muscle
Or an athlete sprains an ankle
They take time.
They heal.
Then they get back in there.
Getting back in there is always possible,
But continuing on hurt
Can only make things worse in the end
And cause lasting damage.
I never let myself heal.
And everyone knew it
Except me.
I need to heal my soul
Its been bleeding for too long.
For most things to work
It has to get so much worse
Before it can get better.
It takes practice and time.
I need to let it get worse.
I've been lying to myself
And I guess to you as well.
I need time to heal
And its time away from you.
I trust you will understand,
I don't think distance has ever
Been a problem for you.
This time should be no different
You won't even notice me gone.
And just as you will be fine,
I have to trust that I will be too.
Seems funny to me that I am the one to ruin it after all.
I'm sorry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As my friend
As a trusted confidant
I am hoping you will understand.
I am trusting that you will.
I never let myself heal.
There was never any time to.
I have to believe that is the reason.
When a runner pulls a muscle
Or an athlete sprains an ankle
They take time.
They heal.
Then they get back in there.
Getting back in there is always possible,
But continuing on hurt
Can only make things worse in the end
And cause lasting damage.
I never let myself heal.
And everyone knew it
Except me.
I need to heal my soul
Its been bleeding for too long.
For most things to work
It has to get so much worse
Before it can get better.
It takes practice and time.
I need to let it get worse.
I've been lying to myself
And I guess to you as well.
I need time to heal
And its time away from you.
I trust you will understand,
I don't think distance has ever
Been a problem for you.
This time should be no different
You won't even notice me gone.
And just as you will be fine,
I have to trust that I will be too.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
That my playlist often fits my life...this is a good/bad thing
I often think of my life in music. I think subconsciously, I look for it when I listen to music. Not always, but I find myself thinking over a well turned verse more often then not. Today was an odd day for music. Not that I don't listen to a wide variety anyway, but just they all sort of made a weird play list that sounded so much like the journey of my life. Granted, lots of them also had nothing to do with my life as well. lol
I tried to jot down as many of them as I could, because, well, I found it interesting. If you want to hear some of the song, the title is a link. woo hoo (Took FOREVER...partically because I ended up listening to them all again. lol)
Lord I Hope this Day is Good ~ Don Williams
Karma Police ~ Radiohead
Smile Like You Mean It ~ The Killers
Cologne ~ Ben Folds
Trick is to Keep Breathing ~Garbage
Chasing Cars ~ Snow Patrol
Shut Up & Let Me Go ~ The Ting Tings
Eight Easy Steps ~ Alanis Morissette
Suddenly I See ~ KT Tunstall
Fool ~Shakira
Pretender ~ Foo Fighters
Better ~ Regina Spektor
Fidelity ~ Regina Spektor
You Don't Know Me ~ Ben Folds
Boys with Girlfriends ~ Meiko
Candy w/ the Pork & Beans ~ Weezer
First Taste ~ Fiona Apple
In Other Words ~ Ben Kweller
Autumn Fallin' ~ Jaymay
Walking On Sunshine ~ Katrina & the Waves
I Think I'll Disappear Now ~ Crash Test Dummies
Hmm, yeah, that's a good chunk of them. I could keep adding, but...that's probably more than enough. Some of my favorite songs aren't on here even, but again, I can't add all the songs I hear in a day. Ugh. ...as my co-workers found, I am MUCH calmer with music playing. :)
So far my schedule is going well. Its odd to me how that is actually working. I hate schedules like that. lol Hope everyone else's is going well...or that some of you have made one like you were thinking about doing. :p
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Such a delicate line to walk
Never sure which step will bring you down
Never enough space on either side
To allow for deep, calm breaths of assurance
Not quite sure what is on the other end
Or what is down below
But the swirling sides keep you onward
I tried to jot down as many of them as I could, because, well, I found it interesting. If you want to hear some of the song, the title is a link. woo hoo (Took FOREVER...partically because I ended up listening to them all again. lol)
Lord I Hope this Day is Good ~ Don Williams
Karma Police ~ Radiohead
Smile Like You Mean It ~ The Killers
Cologne ~ Ben Folds
Trick is to Keep Breathing ~Garbage
Chasing Cars ~ Snow Patrol
Shut Up & Let Me Go ~ The Ting Tings
Eight Easy Steps ~ Alanis Morissette
Suddenly I See ~ KT Tunstall
Fool ~Shakira
Pretender ~ Foo Fighters
Better ~ Regina Spektor
Fidelity ~ Regina Spektor
You Don't Know Me ~ Ben Folds
Boys with Girlfriends ~ Meiko
Candy w/ the Pork & Beans ~ Weezer
First Taste ~ Fiona Apple
In Other Words ~ Ben Kweller
Autumn Fallin' ~ Jaymay
Walking On Sunshine ~ Katrina & the Waves
I Think I'll Disappear Now ~ Crash Test Dummies
Hmm, yeah, that's a good chunk of them. I could keep adding, but...that's probably more than enough. Some of my favorite songs aren't on here even, but again, I can't add all the songs I hear in a day. Ugh. ...as my co-workers found, I am MUCH calmer with music playing. :)
So far my schedule is going well. Its odd to me how that is actually working. I hate schedules like that. lol Hope everyone else's is going well...or that some of you have made one like you were thinking about doing. :p
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Such a delicate line to walk
Never sure which step will bring you down
Never enough space on either side
To allow for deep, calm breaths of assurance
Not quite sure what is on the other end
Or what is down below
But the swirling sides keep you onward
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Accountability is a bitch
I seem to work well under pressure..or at least when I am held accountable for things. At the same time I absolutely hate it. I want to be accountable to only me for when I mess up. I keep thinking there is some middle ground. So I am contemplating creating a blog (yes, yes, another one!) somewhere that lists what I need to do that day/week/month. So its out there. In writing. I don't so much care if others see it. Although there would always be that element of 'someone could totally call me on that' with it out there. So I think that would be a good place to put my 'schedule'. I considered just using a gmail calendar, but then I would have to actively SHARE it with others and expect them to care lol....and it would make me actually accountable.
The randomness of a blog I think will work. We'll see.
I was considering asking if anyone else wanted to get on the blog too. All of us putting our goal/schedules out there. It somewhat makes me more accountable though...but its ok, because then someone is sort of accountable to me! :) I'm open to it if you are interested, if not..its all good. lol
accountabilityisabitch.tumblr.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It all seem so empty now
No longer trying to keep it all inside
Letting go leaves such gaping caverns
Inside my soul
I had nothing there to fill it
When I started clearing it out
So it all seems so empty now
With nothing left to say
The randomness of a blog I think will work. We'll see.
I was considering asking if anyone else wanted to get on the blog too. All of us putting our goal/schedules out there. It somewhat makes me more accountable though...but its ok, because then someone is sort of accountable to me! :) I'm open to it if you are interested, if not..its all good. lol
accountabilityisabitch.tumblr.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It all seem so empty now
No longer trying to keep it all inside
Letting go leaves such gaping caverns
Inside my soul
I had nothing there to fill it
When I started clearing it out
So it all seems so empty now
With nothing left to say
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
That its all good really.
So, today and yesterday (and the last couple days as well) were actually really good days for the most part. I think the fact that I feel like crap though is making it suck overall. Like another friend stated in her blog, its just not being on the right schedule and then I start this slippery slope of not doing one more thing right. I'm not a morning person, so I won't pretend that waking up early/consistantly would help me, but I'm not being consistant with the amount of sleep I am getting at all. Changing work schedule doesn't help with that either.
I think I have locked my self into a 'bi-polar' way of life. The ups and downs and randomness of what bothers me is boggling. Because, really, I am happy. I'm not as happy as some of my friends think I was, but...I am ok. I just seem to be whining A LOT. Thing is, I get this way every spring I think. I look back a old posts or writtings and seriously, its the same thing around this time. lol Hows THAT for consistnacy.
I feel something hovering in the corner...but I am going to ignore it. I will this time, because I feel OK. Yeah, some things are bothering me, but its not like things haven't bothered me before. lol
So I am going to try and focus on things that I need to focus on. Getting back on my workout schedule would be a big one. I hate getting started all over again, but I think that would be the best idea, besides, once I do I'll love it again. Yeah, I am still working out, but its so spuratic and inconsistant I wonder if it's doing any good at all. ..Hmmm...I could be working out instead of typing and drinking tea. lol
Caroline's been thinking about how some things are confusing her, and that maybe that plays a part in her mood. She can't deside if she wants nothing or some. That and its just a reminder of what she doesn't actually have. Its a teaser. Try as she might, she can't get away from it either. Its there...teasing. She's thinking a road trip far away for a while would be helpful...but that would involve $ and time away from work...which she can't do right now. boo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As if the words from the song
Could be understood by you
The words and feelings that I conjure
In my mind
Will never match those that
Are missing in yours
The song will not trigger
The thoughts in you
That I long for you to admit
Silence is just as strong
Of a message
I think I have locked my self into a 'bi-polar' way of life. The ups and downs and randomness of what bothers me is boggling. Because, really, I am happy. I'm not as happy as some of my friends think I was, but...I am ok. I just seem to be whining A LOT. Thing is, I get this way every spring I think. I look back a old posts or writtings and seriously, its the same thing around this time. lol Hows THAT for consistnacy.
I feel something hovering in the corner...but I am going to ignore it. I will this time, because I feel OK. Yeah, some things are bothering me, but its not like things haven't bothered me before. lol
So I am going to try and focus on things that I need to focus on. Getting back on my workout schedule would be a big one. I hate getting started all over again, but I think that would be the best idea, besides, once I do I'll love it again. Yeah, I am still working out, but its so spuratic and inconsistant I wonder if it's doing any good at all. ..Hmmm...I could be working out instead of typing and drinking tea. lol
Caroline's been thinking about how some things are confusing her, and that maybe that plays a part in her mood. She can't deside if she wants nothing or some. That and its just a reminder of what she doesn't actually have. Its a teaser. Try as she might, she can't get away from it either. Its there...teasing. She's thinking a road trip far away for a while would be helpful...but that would involve $ and time away from work...which she can't do right now. boo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As if the words from the song
Could be understood by you
The words and feelings that I conjure
In my mind
Will never match those that
Are missing in yours
The song will not trigger
The thoughts in you
That I long for you to admit
Silence is just as strong
Of a message
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
That she'll keep it a day longer
So far I have written two posts, that I haven't, well, posted. I'm mulling the one over and wondering if the other is too blunt. I know, me? Blunt? Never.
Caroline is thinking that she would rather hold off on posting some things, because, like with everything else, she likes to mull if over and over and over. Go figure. As is her nature, she had to over analyze these things. ...not that she has been doing that a lot lately with her posts but... lol
As such, she can't really post her poem from those days either. She knows you are crushed and totally disappointed that she isn't sharing. She thinks you will completely recover. :p
Oh, and as for the nun thing, yes, I actually am thinking I may be serious, maybe that is why my dating life has been what it is. Fate. But, again, don't need to really think about it for at least another 8 years. I don't see a lot changing during that time but... lol
Caroline is thinking that she would rather hold off on posting some things, because, like with everything else, she likes to mull if over and over and over. Go figure. As is her nature, she had to over analyze these things. ...not that she has been doing that a lot lately with her posts but... lol
As such, she can't really post her poem from those days either. She knows you are crushed and totally disappointed that she isn't sharing. She thinks you will completely recover. :p
Oh, and as for the nun thing, yes, I actually am thinking I may be serious, maybe that is why my dating life has been what it is. Fate. But, again, don't need to really think about it for at least another 8 years. I don't see a lot changing during that time but... lol
Monday, April 13, 2009
That I'm tired of settling.
Caroline's been thinking that she is tired of settling, and she does it way too often. She doesn't need to either. Yet time and again, she finds herself settling. She's not entirely sure why. Maybe she thinks that what she's given is what she deserves...but ya know, she really is much more than that, and she knows it. She shouldn't have to prove it either.
She realized that most of her life she takes the answers that she is given and instead of going through some pain (possibly debilitating for a while) and dealing with it, she puts up with long, unending pain, and settles. WTF would she do that? She doesn't need to settle. In any area of her life.
Maybe it has to do with her not wanting to 'rock the boat' or make others unhappy or uncomfortable...but really, she needs to get over that. There are certain instances she realizes that she needs to just not worry about the other person(s) or what 'might' happen. She's thinking how can she ever accomplish anything or be true to herself if she just accepts what people give her?
Like scraps, she takes what is left in many situations. She doesn't like scraps..and she hates coming in second. As they said to her long ago, being second means you are just the first loser. (The word 'scraps' actually seems to piss her off...lol)
Caroline isn't sure what this all means. Acknowledging is half the battle though right? Maybe if she makes it her motra not to settle, and says it every day, she'll stop. ...Because she's not really happy with the last thing she settled with.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back
They couldn't see the changes
As they were happening
Why would they,
They didn't expect any
Everything as it always was...
But change happens in the most
Unexpected ways sometimes
A simple look or word or deed
Can start a ripple effect
That can change everything
Feelings, relationships, life in general
And it can't be stopped
Only realized when
It is too late to do anything about it
She realized that most of her life she takes the answers that she is given and instead of going through some pain (possibly debilitating for a while) and dealing with it, she puts up with long, unending pain, and settles. WTF would she do that? She doesn't need to settle. In any area of her life.
Maybe it has to do with her not wanting to 'rock the boat' or make others unhappy or uncomfortable...but really, she needs to get over that. There are certain instances she realizes that she needs to just not worry about the other person(s) or what 'might' happen. She's thinking how can she ever accomplish anything or be true to herself if she just accepts what people give her?
Like scraps, she takes what is left in many situations. She doesn't like scraps..and she hates coming in second. As they said to her long ago, being second means you are just the first loser. (The word 'scraps' actually seems to piss her off...lol)
Caroline isn't sure what this all means. Acknowledging is half the battle though right? Maybe if she makes it her motra not to settle, and says it every day, she'll stop. ...Because she's not really happy with the last thing she settled with.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back
They couldn't see the changes
As they were happening
Why would they,
They didn't expect any
Everything as it always was...
But change happens in the most
Unexpected ways sometimes
A simple look or word or deed
Can start a ripple effect
That can change everything
Feelings, relationships, life in general
And it can't be stopped
Only realized when
It is too late to do anything about it
Sunday, April 12, 2009
That this week might make me sore
So I've been trying to get back into my groove/rotation of workouts since I was sick. (Yeah, I realize its been a while now.) I've managed to get the gym in there, and honestly that's the easy part. I have always enjoyed lifting weights....and using the elliptical or bikes there is easy to do for 20 or so because there are no distractions. However, to make this whole 'healthy' living work, I also do yoga and Pilate's. No aerobics...well not really anyway. (The other two are better for my stress levels and with my asthma a lot less annoying.)
Well, for some reason, I can't seem to get back into the swing of rotating yoga and Pilate's into my schedule. I think I have done some basic yoga moves every couple days..but I can tell I haven't been doing them enough. My hamstrings are not happy stretchers, and they seem to have snapped back so I am already starting at scratch on them.
I am really going to make the effort to get them going again. I may even make a schedule...but we'll see how that goes. If I do get it going though, I already know that I'll be sore. When I restart, I don't like to half-ass things, so those muscles I've been neglecting will let me know. Can't wait. lol
Caroline's been thinking that she forgot she wanted to be a nun years ago. For obvious reasons (that being a kid) she is not. (That and she likes to sleep in. A lot... and masses are almost always early in the morning...) Ok, there are some other reasons too. But as she was sitting in church Saturday, she realized she missed some of it. She enjoyed explaining certain rituals and readings to her son during Mass. She can't do anything about it for at least 8 years now anyway, so who knows. Maybe that was her calling all along? lol or not. Would be interesting to look into. And then all her friends could say (all her MANY MANY MANY non-Catholic/non-religious friends) that they know a nun! lol
(There would also be that added bonus of not having to deal with dating morons and the like, but....lol Damn I am good at avoidance!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sideways falling
Invisible until it strikes
Cold and stinging and unavoidable
Spread out over time
Like a guard keeping us in
Giving false hope
With false endings
Yet still serves as
A great equalizer
For everyone looks,
Regardless of what's inside,
Like they feel the same way.
Well, for some reason, I can't seem to get back into the swing of rotating yoga and Pilate's into my schedule. I think I have done some basic yoga moves every couple days..but I can tell I haven't been doing them enough. My hamstrings are not happy stretchers, and they seem to have snapped back so I am already starting at scratch on them.
I am really going to make the effort to get them going again. I may even make a schedule...but we'll see how that goes. If I do get it going though, I already know that I'll be sore. When I restart, I don't like to half-ass things, so those muscles I've been neglecting will let me know. Can't wait. lol
Caroline's been thinking that she forgot she wanted to be a nun years ago. For obvious reasons (that being a kid) she is not. (That and she likes to sleep in. A lot... and masses are almost always early in the morning...) Ok, there are some other reasons too. But as she was sitting in church Saturday, she realized she missed some of it. She enjoyed explaining certain rituals and readings to her son during Mass. She can't do anything about it for at least 8 years now anyway, so who knows. Maybe that was her calling all along? lol or not. Would be interesting to look into. And then all her friends could say (all her MANY MANY MANY non-Catholic/non-religious friends) that they know a nun! lol
(There would also be that added bonus of not having to deal with dating morons and the like, but....lol Damn I am good at avoidance!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sideways falling
Invisible until it strikes
Cold and stinging and unavoidable
Spread out over time
Like a guard keeping us in
Giving false hope
With false endings
Yet still serves as
A great equalizer
For everyone looks,
Regardless of what's inside,
Like they feel the same way.
Friday, April 10, 2009
That its so weird, she's not going to talk about it
Truly, truly bizarre. And in a way that can not be explained, totally cruel, if not intentional. Ah well.
Today was a great one. My wallet was found so I have everything back. EVERYTHING. Nothing was taken out of it. This makes me very very happy. Granted I had to take a 30min drive to get it and then 30 back, but its all good. Saved me from spending money on shoes/clothes this afternoon. ...And my faith in humanity has been restored.
I went to my favorite tea place to relax and write. I ended up playing with Twitter, playing my DS, staring at tea, "thinking" about writing, and then writing a poem. I had hoped to get a few pages mapped out for my book. (Finally got some feedback from my 'beta reader'. Happily, she really likes the direction it is going, but said she is having fun with her 'red pen'. lol That I expected and told her she would have. So I can feel comfortable moving on with it.) But just when I thought I would get some written, a friend called. When I got off the phone with her, a friend showed up. Then I was late to my dinner party. lol So no book today. I could work on it tonight but....yeah, I think I am going to sleep instead.
One of my old co-workers that I loved, came to town for the weekend and got to spend some time with her. Got to hear a 'non-biased' opinion on things. Both refreshing, yet not shocking. lol Her son and my son get along great and they had so much fun. I felt bad when it was time for us all to go because I am not positive when I will get to see her again. Plans are being made to go up North and go camping though. Totally up for that.
Caroline has been thinking that her word for the month must be 'totally' because she has been saying it a lot lately. Wonder what next month's word will be......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The stranger sitting next to you
At the crowded coffee shop...
The child riding the horse
Outside of the grocery store....
The couple sitting on the bench
As you walk by at the park...
The new car that passes
As you unlock your old one...
The friend that listens to you complain
About the same thing for the uptenth time...
The person you come home to
And who welcomes you...
They bring you
Exctiment
Happiness
Envy
Comfort
A rock
Everything plays a roll in our lives.
Everything.
Today was a great one. My wallet was found so I have everything back. EVERYTHING. Nothing was taken out of it. This makes me very very happy. Granted I had to take a 30min drive to get it and then 30 back, but its all good. Saved me from spending money on shoes/clothes this afternoon. ...And my faith in humanity has been restored.
I went to my favorite tea place to relax and write. I ended up playing with Twitter, playing my DS, staring at tea, "thinking" about writing, and then writing a poem. I had hoped to get a few pages mapped out for my book. (Finally got some feedback from my 'beta reader'. Happily, she really likes the direction it is going, but said she is having fun with her 'red pen'. lol That I expected and told her she would have. So I can feel comfortable moving on with it.) But just when I thought I would get some written, a friend called. When I got off the phone with her, a friend showed up. Then I was late to my dinner party. lol So no book today. I could work on it tonight but....yeah, I think I am going to sleep instead.
One of my old co-workers that I loved, came to town for the weekend and got to spend some time with her. Got to hear a 'non-biased' opinion on things. Both refreshing, yet not shocking. lol Her son and my son get along great and they had so much fun. I felt bad when it was time for us all to go because I am not positive when I will get to see her again. Plans are being made to go up North and go camping though. Totally up for that.
Caroline has been thinking that her word for the month must be 'totally' because she has been saying it a lot lately. Wonder what next month's word will be......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The stranger sitting next to you
At the crowded coffee shop...
The child riding the horse
Outside of the grocery store....
The couple sitting on the bench
As you walk by at the park...
The new car that passes
As you unlock your old one...
The friend that listens to you complain
About the same thing for the uptenth time...
The person you come home to
And who welcomes you...
They bring you
Exctiment
Happiness
Envy
Comfort
A rock
Everything plays a roll in our lives.
Everything.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
That she can accept the way her life is...
Caroline's been thinking that she could blame her wondering mind on her crappy day/week...but it wouldn't be fully true. She knows she'll be single...probably forever. That sounds weird, she knows, but...it just seems to be the way the world wants it. She's not going to stop dating or anything crazy like that, but...she doesn't really know how to explain it.
The past few weeks have been rough on her. Life keeps throwing things at her and there has been this want/need to share it with someone. Someone who isn't even there. She should just be happy to share it with friends. To lean on them. She has some pretty kick ass friends that she has had for years that she has come to realize woud do just about anything for her. She's not going to say that all this hope is too much to deal with (even if it is sometimes for her romantic heart) and that is why she has come to this conclusion. She just, well, sees. Sitting at a bar, and drinking alone while everyone else around is not, is sobering. (no pun intended!) Too much focus is always put on what will never be, heck in all aspects of life. She just wants to let it go. Own it if you will. Now if everyone around her would just accept this as well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So slowly time seems to move
So quickly the drinks seem to dissapear
The regulars stand gaurd by the door
Those looking for escape from the day
Set up camp at the end of the bar
So much happiness and celebration
Is expressed in the groups that have entered
Slowly the ice in the drink gets stirred
By the straw round and round
"Something strong" she hears someone say
"Anything strong..and make it a double."
The lost look in the girl's eyes seems to move the bartender
And those closest to her at the bar
Round and round the straw goes again
Everything is represented here tonight
The past few weeks have been rough on her. Life keeps throwing things at her and there has been this want/need to share it with someone. Someone who isn't even there. She should just be happy to share it with friends. To lean on them. She has some pretty kick ass friends that she has had for years that she has come to realize woud do just about anything for her. She's not going to say that all this hope is too much to deal with (even if it is sometimes for her romantic heart) and that is why she has come to this conclusion. She just, well, sees. Sitting at a bar, and drinking alone while everyone else around is not, is sobering. (no pun intended!) Too much focus is always put on what will never be, heck in all aspects of life. She just wants to let it go. Own it if you will. Now if everyone around her would just accept this as well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So slowly time seems to move
So quickly the drinks seem to dissapear
The regulars stand gaurd by the door
Those looking for escape from the day
Set up camp at the end of the bar
So much happiness and celebration
Is expressed in the groups that have entered
Slowly the ice in the drink gets stirred
By the straw round and round
"Something strong" she hears someone say
"Anything strong..and make it a double."
The lost look in the girl's eyes seems to move the bartender
And those closest to her at the bar
Round and round the straw goes again
Everything is represented here tonight
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Appreciation is so important
A few months ago, one of the companies I do business with sent me a book simply titled "Thank You." It has numerous quotes inside stating different ways of extending your thanks to someone or how it feels or how it helps to do so. It is amazing how the simple words like 'thank you' or 'good job' can truely make somone feel worthwhile.
Work for the past few weeks (ok, year or so really, but lets not look at that) has been rather rough. Some co-workers and I took it upon ourselves to set some pretty awesome goals for our department. We exceeded those goals. Management knew of our goals and they were encouraging. They said nothing once we did. Not a word to anyone...except me, and the comment was more like a backhanded insult. We went through a remodel in which our dept was completely turned upside down and most days we didn't know how we were going to do our jobs. But we smiled and helped people and moved on. Again, not a word about how well we were doing. Sadly, I have been the only one to tell them they are doing great. I get nothing out of it, other then encouraging them and letting them know that I at least appreciate all they do. Its so hard to over look the power of simple words. Both the negative and positive.
"It may be in fact utterly impossible to be successful without helping another person to become successful. I don't know. But I don't think one can become liberated without liberating somebody else." ~Maya Angelou
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So quickly the scenery passes by
No longer sunny skies over
Green fields or happy clouds
Over lively populated forests
Quickly the vessel moves on
Patches of fog conceal
The growing grounds of bare sand
And sharp croppings of rocks
Those who see the vessel pass by
Yell for you to turn
To get out
To stop
But head on it continues
Ignoring where the path is headed
Momentarily you may see
What lays in the way
So you go faster to avoid it
Those outside of the vessel
Can see what will happen
And try to encourage a change
But their words are nothing
To the thrill of this ride
To the challenge of getting it right
Until you can see what they wanted to stop
You can see the cliff at the end
Dropping into nothing
But it is too late to turn
To get out
To stop
And the you find yourself
Tumbling out of control
When you could have stopped
So long ago.
Work for the past few weeks (ok, year or so really, but lets not look at that) has been rather rough. Some co-workers and I took it upon ourselves to set some pretty awesome goals for our department. We exceeded those goals. Management knew of our goals and they were encouraging. They said nothing once we did. Not a word to anyone...except me, and the comment was more like a backhanded insult. We went through a remodel in which our dept was completely turned upside down and most days we didn't know how we were going to do our jobs. But we smiled and helped people and moved on. Again, not a word about how well we were doing. Sadly, I have been the only one to tell them they are doing great. I get nothing out of it, other then encouraging them and letting them know that I at least appreciate all they do. Its so hard to over look the power of simple words. Both the negative and positive.
"It may be in fact utterly impossible to be successful without helping another person to become successful. I don't know. But I don't think one can become liberated without liberating somebody else." ~Maya Angelou
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So quickly the scenery passes by
No longer sunny skies over
Green fields or happy clouds
Over lively populated forests
Quickly the vessel moves on
Patches of fog conceal
The growing grounds of bare sand
And sharp croppings of rocks
Those who see the vessel pass by
Yell for you to turn
To get out
To stop
But head on it continues
Ignoring where the path is headed
Momentarily you may see
What lays in the way
So you go faster to avoid it
Those outside of the vessel
Can see what will happen
And try to encourage a change
But their words are nothing
To the thrill of this ride
To the challenge of getting it right
Until you can see what they wanted to stop
You can see the cliff at the end
Dropping into nothing
But it is too late to turn
To get out
To stop
And the you find yourself
Tumbling out of control
When you could have stopped
So long ago.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Different perspectives are good for the soul
Went to go listen to a political journalist tonight. His background is 'on the opposite side of the fence' from my political leanings, but that's OK. I went to hear what he had to say and learn from his experience. On these levels I wasn't disappointed. There were only a few times in which I wanted to roll my eyes at the obvious bias, and that is actually a good thing, because when I heard the format, I was afraid it might be more. I was grateful to be able to go. I never feel comfortable just agreeing with people because that is what I have always done, I fully believe in listening to people on both sides and learning all you can. Take everything with a grain of salt, but learn from it. My 'Libra' side feels a balance after tonight's event. :)
Caroline is thinking about how flippin' tired she is. She stayed up late writing last night (very late) and woke up early for work. Completely stressful day at work, followed by self-inflicted stress added to the exhaustion. She would like to go to sleep now, but it is still before 12, and she knows better. Besides, she needs to think of a way of avoiding the repercussions of telling a friend a little tmi about herself. She could see the wheels working in her friends head and worries about what strange men will be thrown in her direction. lol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They were only six words
Uttered with out a second thought by the speaker
Yet they echoed through the mind
Of who it was aimed at
Six words to hold such power
For such a long time
To dash dreams and friendships so casually
Without even realizing
Caroline is thinking about how flippin' tired she is. She stayed up late writing last night (very late) and woke up early for work. Completely stressful day at work, followed by self-inflicted stress added to the exhaustion. She would like to go to sleep now, but it is still before 12, and she knows better. Besides, she needs to think of a way of avoiding the repercussions of telling a friend a little tmi about herself. She could see the wheels working in her friends head and worries about what strange men will be thrown in her direction. lol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They were only six words
Uttered with out a second thought by the speaker
Yet they echoed through the mind
Of who it was aimed at
Six words to hold such power
For such a long time
To dash dreams and friendships so casually
Without even realizing
Monday, April 6, 2009
Yeah for weekends and friends
This weekend was full. Ok, not really, but it felt like it was. Started off with a friend coming into town and just hanging out and talking with her for a few hours. Its so rare in our lives that we get to do that. My kid, her kid, jobs, life in general. It was nice to just chill out with her and talk. Sadly, it was only possible because she lost her job the week before. However, we overcame most of that melancholy with laughter.
Afterward we went to meet up with some friends who were celebrating a life change. I am very excited for them. I have always admired people who have the strength of character to do what is right for them and follow their dreams/feelings. I know that I too often let myself settle in a job long past the time that I should escape. The fear of the unknown and being by myself stop me too often. I wish them nothing but luck, and I know they will do well. :)
Saturday I got to sleep in...which made me happy to begin with. lol After doing the regular cleaning duties of a single person (boo to all chores!! lol) I headed off to have dinner with some friends to celebrate one of my best friend's birthday. New place, but totally worth it. Food was very filling. There were plenty of people there...which made it hard for the talking to everyone. I always get nervous when there is a big group and 1) not everyone knows each other & 2) its not easy to talk to everyone because of how a table is set up. I get even more nervous when I am one of the few people there who knows everyone else. Maybe I shouldn't worry so much, but I do. I'm a worrier. Didn't you know that already? lol
We followed dinner by going over to Dave and Busters. Its an arcade for adults...although this one lets too many kids in there all the time. Very annoying. Anyway, going there brought back the fact that my wallet is gone because my D&B card was in it. :( So I got a new one. I played the shooting games (because they are fun!) but a mixture between the overcrowded walkways and noise and lights, I had to call it early. Well, as early as I could. I didn't even use up all the coins on my card.
There had been talk of meeting at my house after to drink and hang out, but everyone seemed very tired. Which was ok...well, truthfully a bit annoying because this was the SECOND weekend in a row I prepared my house for two of my friends and AGAIN they called off at the last minute. Now, my house is normally clean, but I do the extras when I know people are coming, and damn it, I wasted Saturday time doing that. grrrr. The ok part of it was that it was gorgeous outside. Totally clear night for star gazing. When I first started it wasn't too cold either. Some friends called up to join and I welcomed the company, kept me from dwelling on stupid things. lol
Sunday I slept LATE. LATE LATE LATE. I loved it!!! :) So rare that I can anymore. lol It was so great that I was able to really make some headway in my book. Sharpness of thought was there and it led to a bit more creativity and realizing some awkward turns of phrase I had planned on using. I sent what I had to someone to read over. If she can get the general feel and direction, I will be happy. I know there needs to be some editing, but I am more concerned with flow at the moment. I hate choppy books, and I don't want to write one.
Caroline is thinking that, innocent questions are sometimes the hardest to answer. A friend asked her one of those this weekend. "When was the last time it made you happy." Normally this is her way of talking to a friend who is having troubles with someone/thing. "If it makes you more happy then it does sad, fine, if not, you really need to leave it alone." Who knew her friend would throw it back at her. Truthfully, Caroline thought that she had the answer to the question. Even though it was a bit farther back than she would have liked, it was there...until her friend pointed out that the happiness was shortlived and tarnished. Now Caroline is really trying to remember the last time it made her happy and it wasn't tarnished soon afterwards. This saddens her greatly, because it means she is making herself more miserable then she needs too. She thought she was happy, until she realized she wasn't. It wasn't the question that made her unhappy either. Weird. Stupid innocent questions!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For a moment I could see the world as you do
I could see how easy it can be to change
How nothing seems stationary or true
I could see the fluidity of the world through your eyes
The world which seems so full of color changed to shades of black and white
I could see why you are able to think as you do
Emotions trivial aspects of bigger pictures
I could see simplicity in all choices
How free the world was to tethers
....But only for a moment
Afterward we went to meet up with some friends who were celebrating a life change. I am very excited for them. I have always admired people who have the strength of character to do what is right for them and follow their dreams/feelings. I know that I too often let myself settle in a job long past the time that I should escape. The fear of the unknown and being by myself stop me too often. I wish them nothing but luck, and I know they will do well. :)
Saturday I got to sleep in...which made me happy to begin with. lol After doing the regular cleaning duties of a single person (boo to all chores!! lol) I headed off to have dinner with some friends to celebrate one of my best friend's birthday. New place, but totally worth it. Food was very filling. There were plenty of people there...which made it hard for the talking to everyone. I always get nervous when there is a big group and 1) not everyone knows each other & 2) its not easy to talk to everyone because of how a table is set up. I get even more nervous when I am one of the few people there who knows everyone else. Maybe I shouldn't worry so much, but I do. I'm a worrier. Didn't you know that already? lol
We followed dinner by going over to Dave and Busters. Its an arcade for adults...although this one lets too many kids in there all the time. Very annoying. Anyway, going there brought back the fact that my wallet is gone because my D&B card was in it. :( So I got a new one. I played the shooting games (because they are fun!) but a mixture between the overcrowded walkways and noise and lights, I had to call it early. Well, as early as I could. I didn't even use up all the coins on my card.
There had been talk of meeting at my house after to drink and hang out, but everyone seemed very tired. Which was ok...well, truthfully a bit annoying because this was the SECOND weekend in a row I prepared my house for two of my friends and AGAIN they called off at the last minute. Now, my house is normally clean, but I do the extras when I know people are coming, and damn it, I wasted Saturday time doing that. grrrr. The ok part of it was that it was gorgeous outside. Totally clear night for star gazing. When I first started it wasn't too cold either. Some friends called up to join and I welcomed the company, kept me from dwelling on stupid things. lol
Sunday I slept LATE. LATE LATE LATE. I loved it!!! :) So rare that I can anymore. lol It was so great that I was able to really make some headway in my book. Sharpness of thought was there and it led to a bit more creativity and realizing some awkward turns of phrase I had planned on using. I sent what I had to someone to read over. If she can get the general feel and direction, I will be happy. I know there needs to be some editing, but I am more concerned with flow at the moment. I hate choppy books, and I don't want to write one.
Caroline is thinking that, innocent questions are sometimes the hardest to answer. A friend asked her one of those this weekend. "When was the last time it made you happy." Normally this is her way of talking to a friend who is having troubles with someone/thing. "If it makes you more happy then it does sad, fine, if not, you really need to leave it alone." Who knew her friend would throw it back at her. Truthfully, Caroline thought that she had the answer to the question. Even though it was a bit farther back than she would have liked, it was there...until her friend pointed out that the happiness was shortlived and tarnished. Now Caroline is really trying to remember the last time it made her happy and it wasn't tarnished soon afterwards. This saddens her greatly, because it means she is making herself more miserable then she needs too. She thought she was happy, until she realized she wasn't. It wasn't the question that made her unhappy either. Weird. Stupid innocent questions!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For a moment I could see the world as you do
I could see how easy it can be to change
How nothing seems stationary or true
I could see the fluidity of the world through your eyes
The world which seems so full of color changed to shades of black and white
I could see why you are able to think as you do
Emotions trivial aspects of bigger pictures
I could see simplicity in all choices
How free the world was to tethers
....But only for a moment
Thursday, April 2, 2009
That its good that I stayed home tonight
Today was, well, horrible. I can't really even say why, which I think makes it that much worse. I was woken up at 5:15am by a migraine. I groaned a bit, but rolled over to go get some medicine. My body doesn't like to work at 5 in the morning and when I have a migraine, I don't ususally have that good of balance, so I wobbled down the hallway in the dark, grasping for the walls. Oh the fun. The pain wouldn't let me just sleep it off either. Kept waking me up all morning. I also got a call and a text or two from work, after I had called them telling them I had a migraine and was coming in late to recover.
lol Honestly, I think I've just felt an uncontrollable amount of rage today. For that reason, I didn't really talk to anyone. Or at least I tried not to. Again, I know I get angry over stupid stuff (the whole Polish/Irish heritage mixed together) and I know when to keep my mouth shut. Not saying that I didn't wish someone would say something stupid to my face so I could lash out. lol hmmm, that sounds bad. I think we all have days like that. Everything feels off and the whole world is your enemy...except those people who buy you a shake, those people are special.
On the up side of today, my brother-in-law drove 4 hours to bring and help install a 'new to me' washer. Its not the prettiest thing, but it works...and it is large capacity. This is great since I like to overfill washers, which is bad for them. I filled my first load, and OMG I could keep going!! It was amazing!! AND the thing is QUIET. Which is also pretty cool. Very greatful to have a washer back, its been a long couple weeks without one.
Caroline's been thinking that she is glad she 'took the night off' and stayed in. No gym, no friends, no going out. Just throwing on sweats and hanging out at home, not even only on the computer either. She's liked this...although she has been yawning all night, so staying in makes her tired. She's also been thinking that all this stress this week is making her sick, and she does NOT want to be sick again, so maybe she will give in to the yawns and go to sleep early...which means she'll be up at 2am, 3am and 6am as is common when she goes to sleep before 12. Oh, the life of a night owl.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You don't listen
You don't hear what the song is saying
All the words
All the emotions that I want to convey
There in the songs that I hear
That I listen to
But that is not your way
You won't analyze each verse
Each chorus
Looking for the parallels to our lives
Or the hidden messages that I need you to hear
There is not fear in sharing the music with you
You will always miss the point
But I,
at least,
Will feel as if I have bared my soul.
lol Honestly, I think I've just felt an uncontrollable amount of rage today. For that reason, I didn't really talk to anyone. Or at least I tried not to. Again, I know I get angry over stupid stuff (the whole Polish/Irish heritage mixed together) and I know when to keep my mouth shut. Not saying that I didn't wish someone would say something stupid to my face so I could lash out. lol hmmm, that sounds bad. I think we all have days like that. Everything feels off and the whole world is your enemy...except those people who buy you a shake, those people are special.
On the up side of today, my brother-in-law drove 4 hours to bring and help install a 'new to me' washer. Its not the prettiest thing, but it works...and it is large capacity. This is great since I like to overfill washers, which is bad for them. I filled my first load, and OMG I could keep going!! It was amazing!! AND the thing is QUIET. Which is also pretty cool. Very greatful to have a washer back, its been a long couple weeks without one.
Caroline's been thinking that she is glad she 'took the night off' and stayed in. No gym, no friends, no going out. Just throwing on sweats and hanging out at home, not even only on the computer either. She's liked this...although she has been yawning all night, so staying in makes her tired. She's also been thinking that all this stress this week is making her sick, and she does NOT want to be sick again, so maybe she will give in to the yawns and go to sleep early...which means she'll be up at 2am, 3am and 6am as is common when she goes to sleep before 12. Oh, the life of a night owl.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You don't listen
You don't hear what the song is saying
All the words
All the emotions that I want to convey
There in the songs that I hear
That I listen to
But that is not your way
You won't analyze each verse
Each chorus
Looking for the parallels to our lives
Or the hidden messages that I need you to hear
There is not fear in sharing the music with you
You will always miss the point
But I,
at least,
Will feel as if I have bared my soul.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
That she made a decision the other day...
But is totally failing on the follow through of it. Heck, it hasn't even been started. Not sure what is stopping me, I know my friends are there to back me up, but I don't think its fully in my nature to do. Which is not a good thing. Yes, I know this is completely vaugue. I'm good at vaugue. Very good. lol
Otherwise the day has been 'eh'. I've been dwelling on my wallet. It just saddens me that someone has/had it and now everything is gone to me. I cleared off my home answering machine (totally give that number to people I don't want to actually talk to, and its listed) so that the good Samaritan that picked it up could look up my name (because its in the wallet) and call and tell me its all good. But no. No call. :( Ugh, why do people suck so much!
The past few days I have been eating crazy stuff. I have no idea why, but I think tonight when I had a salad with creamy Italian dressing all over it, that was the healthiest thing I have eaten. (Still not sure on the sushi I had the other day.) Seriously, I must be stressing. Maybe over the decision I made, but am waffling on. Then the wallet. Bah. I think I have eaten more sugar and random crap the past few days then I have in the past few months. But tomorrow I will be better. No, I don't deny myself things, but I really can't live off the crap I have been eating and my body is not happy with it. Its becoming all sluggish and fighting the workouts. This makes me unhappy. So, if you see me with crazy stuff in my hands..ok, don't slap my hands...or look at me sternly...but maybe be subtle as you rip it OUT of my hands. lol Drinking does not count. :p
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I started this at work today. I didn't forget to start writing it down when it came to me. Thing is, I kept getting interrupted and I so I think my focus changed a few times. There are elements to this one I like, so I might have to work on this one some more...and I don't think its finished either. Ah well. :)
A cloudy fog inhabits the
Turn in the road along the trees
The patchy which highlighting the
Bright greens and deep browns
That the forest possesses
The tops of the trees become white
As the sunlight that peeks
Through the fog hits them
Quiet settles in with the fog
An inherent trait that it brings along
Looking down the leaf strewn path
I don't know what is there
(yeah, no closure, but don't know where I want it to go yet. lol)
Otherwise the day has been 'eh'. I've been dwelling on my wallet. It just saddens me that someone has/had it and now everything is gone to me. I cleared off my home answering machine (totally give that number to people I don't want to actually talk to, and its listed) so that the good Samaritan that picked it up could look up my name (because its in the wallet) and call and tell me its all good. But no. No call. :( Ugh, why do people suck so much!
The past few days I have been eating crazy stuff. I have no idea why, but I think tonight when I had a salad with creamy Italian dressing all over it, that was the healthiest thing I have eaten. (Still not sure on the sushi I had the other day.) Seriously, I must be stressing. Maybe over the decision I made, but am waffling on. Then the wallet. Bah. I think I have eaten more sugar and random crap the past few days then I have in the past few months. But tomorrow I will be better. No, I don't deny myself things, but I really can't live off the crap I have been eating and my body is not happy with it. Its becoming all sluggish and fighting the workouts. This makes me unhappy. So, if you see me with crazy stuff in my hands..ok, don't slap my hands...or look at me sternly...but maybe be subtle as you rip it OUT of my hands. lol Drinking does not count. :p
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I started this at work today. I didn't forget to start writing it down when it came to me. Thing is, I kept getting interrupted and I so I think my focus changed a few times. There are elements to this one I like, so I might have to work on this one some more...and I don't think its finished either. Ah well. :)
A cloudy fog inhabits the
Turn in the road along the trees
The patchy which highlighting the
Bright greens and deep browns
That the forest possesses
The tops of the trees become white
As the sunlight that peeks
Through the fog hits them
Quiet settles in with the fog
An inherent trait that it brings along
Looking down the leaf strewn path
I don't know what is there
(yeah, no closure, but don't know where I want it to go yet. lol)
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