I've been thinking that it's funny how I want to talk to absolutely no one, and everyone. All at the same time. I could actually feel the pull of the depression this time. I could. And I pushed it away, I was surprised as hell. I thought I was going to stay level, but I sit here wondering why I even bother trying to have friends. Why do I talk to people? It always...collapses. Either by distance, time, me or them. And it is just shitty. But as I sit here thinking about how I don't care, I sit here wondering if anyone would come to a bbq this month. And it frightens me. Because I'm not strong enough. Strong enough to deal with people saying no. Strong enough to try and push through my longing to be alone but with people. Strong enough to not care either way. Why isn't life easy? lol 
I'm afraid if I don't stop this, I'm going to lose months again. Months to being totally uninspired. Months of lethargy. Months of more distancing myself from people. And ya know, that really doesn't work. Even if some people are assholes. I hope the spring brings enough sun that it cuts through this bull shit in my mind. That I can relax. That I can stop caring about everything. If I could narrow that down to just like work, bills and the boy, I would be a ok for while. I don't want to worry about my weight. I don't want to worry about this friendship or that friendship or that one. I don't want to worry about my stupid car. I'd say I want to be normal, but we all know that doesn't exist. I never wanted to be normal before anyway. 
Guess this lost composure and just became rambling. Maybe I needed that. I've neglected all my blogs. So weird to think I was able to write 2 to three a night. Maybe I'll make that a goal and see where it goes.