That its been a weird but good road...

Wow the past few days have been filled. Wasn't expecting that when I got to it. All in all I got to spend some good times with my family, friends and new friends.

I generally get a wee bit nervous around Father's day because, well, I love my dad to death and the boy's bio is just that, a bio, so its uncomfortable for me. I think this year went rather smoothly though. We took the folks out to a baseball game on Friday because my dad went out of town for a conference Saturday and won't be back for a few more days. It wasn't a major league game or anything, but oh man, it was fun. And CHEAP! lol All the seats are good too. It was the boy's first game. Think he tapered out at the end in caring, but he was all about trying to figure out what was going on. Perhaps if I watched baseball more often he would know these things but...idk. lol

Saturday was one of my friend's annual parties. Generally they hold it on Midsummers, but this year they did it on the Solstice. Although we are still calling it Midsummers. lol Its what we do. Lots of camping and drinking and randomness. I will say, for all intesive purposes, this year's was tame. There were no major injuries to speak of...and well, that's not as common as you'd think. (If you knew one of the guys, you would understand.) I finally did something that was 2 years in the making. Still not sure how to take the results, but at least I can say I did it. lol Yes, it was cryptic, and shall remain so.

Sunday I was asked to come play a doubleheader of softball with some friends. I hadn't TOUCHED a softball in I don't know how long. Thankfully I was put in right field. Sadly, my first time out the ball came to me and when I was throwing to 2nd, it kind of...well...only went midway and then came crashing to the ground. Must of thought I was bowling. My batting was better. I hit the ball at least each time. Its a C league though, so the team isn't really all that concerned with winning, and although I can be competitive, I really wasn't worried. I was having fun and it was hot. I said I would play again on Sunday. Anyone else want to play? lol It's a co-ed team. :)

Caroline is thinking that perhaps a friend was right. Perhaps there are some things that just need to be done sometimes. But she is worried about her mindset on some things that have come up lately. She doesn't seem to care or have that emotional...attachment?...that she usually does with these sorts of things. She's actually a bit worried about that. Thankful overall...but worried.

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So slowly she lays down
Reluctant to give in
To the chance of either
Dreamless sleep leaving her empty
Or nightmares cast as dreams
With promises of what won't be
The space around her void
Of any other being
Yet filled with the thoughts
That won't let her be

That beign stubborn is sometimes a bad idea.

Caroline decided that today she wouldn't take any medicine for her headache. That she would fight it and keep it away. It would not become a migraine. She is sad to report that this was a very stupid idea. She's not even sure how she is typing this, as her vision is once again going in and out. She got all ready to go run too, but the thought of moving made her head hurt more. No telling what ditch you would of found her in if she had gone. And now she is rambling. Bother.

Anyway, sometimes being stubborn is a good plan and sometimes it is for the best. Apparently this was not for the best. Lesson learned. Ok, its not, she'll try again. Until she has stock in Excedrin she thinks she needs to lay off it. Its only work doing this to her right? RIGHT!?!

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K, so maybe later tonight I can get up and write something new, but since I can't you get this one. WOOT! It even has the word 'stubborn' in it.

I've got nothing to talk about
Because I'm not going to say
How hard this all is
I have become silent
Because I refuse to bring up
The subject again and again
I've become the quiet pensive
Because although I am stubborn
Its still all that is on my mind
So I've got nothing to talk about.

That everything has two sides..but are one

There is a song by Alanis Morissette entitled Everything. It was written of in a way to thank someone for standing by her, even though she's...well, human. The spectrum of the human soul is vast and ever changing. There is no constant. (I suppose for some there is a constant, but they are on strong meds and don't know it so....)

I've never been good at picking a way and staying that way. So I often really cherish those people that allow me to change and flow. I often will end up circling back, but letting me have the journey and still staying by my side is a gift. I only hope I allow others to be that way with me. We can't all be the happy friend or insightful friend or exciting friend or even the compassionate friend all the time. We all slip up. We all fail. I know I do all the time.

I'm working really hard at making this a good week. There is something I need to deal with I think, but I am hoping its nothing. Hope everyone is having a good week. I deem it so!

Everything ~Alanis Morissette

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it's going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby
And you've never met anyone whose
As negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest women you've ever met
I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected
I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen
And you've never met anyone whose
As positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating
I'm terrified and mistrusting
And you’ve never met anyone as,
As closed down as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

I'm the funniest woman you've ever known.
I am the dullest woman you've ever known.
I'm the most gorgeous woman you've ever known
And you've never met anyone as, as everything as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I'm ashamed
There's not anything to which you can't relate
And you're still here

And you're still here
And you're still here...

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The path seems a bit lonelier
Without you on it.
Memories become my sole companion
As I make my way around.
The green of the grass seems flawed somehow
And the trees appear solitary and alone.
The breeze whips around my face
Much stronger without you to help block it.
The quiet doesn't ease my mind
Only brings more questions.
Starting with why aren't you here?

That I needed that

The past week was horrible. The past month has shaken me. This year so far has broken me down. But this weekend. Ah. Yesterday just hanging out with a friend at the pool all day and then with another just watching a movie was a nice breath of fresh air. But today, today I got to chill out on a beach with some friends. Two days of low stress...I don't know what to say.

I think I laughed with no repercussions or second thoughts more today then I have in a long time. I know part of what has been bugging me, and honestly, there isn't much I can do about it. I'm not even sure talking about it with anyone would make a difference. Today however, for most of it, I didn't have to deal with it. I got to relax and laugh and smile. I totally needed that. I need more of that. Sort of wish it didn't have to end, because as soon as I got home a lot of it hit me again. (I also noticed while working out that I did hit my tailbone on that stupid pipe. lol ouch!)

I am hoping that there can be more time spent on the beach with friends. Or camping. Or going on float trips. It takes a lot to get me to want to go to parties and bars and such most of the time, but offer me a trip outside and I am there.

Thanks to my friends that had the great idea. I can't thank you enough for the great afternoon. Really.

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(I have Abba's Dum Dum Diddle running though my head right now. It makes it very hard to write poetry when this song is going through your head. omg seriously, I can't make it stop!! lol)

The dreams that you often said you had
Never seemed to betry that you were feeling sad
I kept an open ear to all that you said
And no matter the absurity, I ate what you fed
I never realized the truth would be so hard to find
That you kept it all locked up in your mind
Or could it be that I ignored the signs
And constently redrew all the lines
Created a world that only I could understand
While never offering you a safe place to land

That I should have used sunscreen at least

It was a rather good day. I was treated to a random trip to town today from an old friend/co-worker.She came down from MN to visit for a few days and I had time to get to hang out with her. She has a son around Patrick's age so we decided to take them to the pool. It was a public pool...but it was like a small neighborhood pool around where she lived (her sister still lives there). It was like the pool you see in The Sandlot. :)

Getting ready to go and meet her it was very cloudy. When I got there, it was very cloudy. Seeing as how my legs never really tan and I had my base tan down, I wasn't too concerned and, well, stupidly decided I didn't need any sunscreen today.The clouds parted though soon after we got to the pool....
Sadly, I was wrong...

No worries though. It looks bad, but it has already lost some of its 'angry' look. lol I will have to deal with the fact that the right side of my body is significantly redder then my left. ..Even my face. ugh. My legs actually got some sun too, so that is a good sign for the legs. So weird how our bodies take in the sun and which parts take it in faster or more resilient.

Conveniently, there is no one I need to impress, so I am safe for a while. woo hoo!! :)

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Who can say what will make a heart sing
In each individual way
A smile, a nudge, a tree, a star
A simple poem, or anything
The unexpected is always welcome
The known should always stay
As long as its joy they bring

That "Life is not easy for any of us." (Marie Curie)

But as Caroline is often fond of saying," This too shall pass." Totally sure that someone with a special name said it first, but she likes to say it. Or she tries to say it. She thinks when you are in the midst of things happening, its very hard to see the end. Even if you know it will come. Besides, advise is always easier to give then to take, even when you are giving it to yourself.

So, to end this nightmare of a week and begin a weekend of happiness, (Not sure how this happiness will come about, but it WILL. I deem it so!) Caroline is thinking she is going to write a happy blog. No whining or complaining. WOO HOO!! Feel the positive vibes! (This will also test her skill as a writer, let's see if she can pull it off. :) )

Make one person happy each day and in forty years you will have made 14,600 human beings happy for at little time at least. ~Charley Willey

The sun was shining today and thankfully my friends were all able to get up and function on their own. The weekend holds promise of good times and conversations. Books for learning (woot) are lined up for the down times. I'm glad to know the people I do. I may think sometimes that I didn't know some (hehe) but, overall, I am glad I do. Have a good Saturday everyone!!!

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The Game

'Treat them like dirt'
Only call on days with T's
Always be busy
Don't be interested
Hide the real you
Wait three days after before calling
Make the first move
Never make the first move
Tell 'em everything
Tell them nothing
Whoever came up with the game
Should be shot.

That getting back it the habit is hard!

If anything, I'm inconsistant. lol I'm trying to get back into the groove here. For right now, my blogs are 'practice' for my writing. The more I write, the more likely something I write will turn out good and worthy of the time it takes to read it. :) At least that is the plan. I deviated from said plan. I'm working on it. Perhaps I'll have actual topics I'll want to talk about. I know I need to set aside some time and talk out everything else. It can't be written (too much work stuff and not translating well to paper kind of stuff). Until then, I fear that these will be more rambling. Oh wait! That's what they normally are!! lol No worries. :)

Caroline is thinking, if you can't be who you are, and you can't be who they think you are, who can you be?

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The Subtle Signs of Caring

It had been a long day for them all
Gathered round the table the talking continued
Laughter from friends kept smiles on the faces
An arm around the shoulder offered wordless support
Then slowly the hand reaches up and gently cups
The side of her head and grasps some strands of hair
He looks over and kisses the top of her head
Then returns from the subtle exit from the table
To continue talking with their friends.

That of all the things bothering me...this isn't. lol

So ask me on another day, and the answer might be different, but today, today this whole situation just makes me laugh at the absurdity of my life and life in general. This is not a 'pick me up' or give me encouraging words. Or God forbid a 'tell me it'll happen' plea. This is me, telling you stories or 'just the way it is'. You can judge which is which. lol What the hell am I talking about? Oh, me and being single. (No, we won't talk about the convent today. :) )

Last night I had a weird dream. Its one of those dreams where you wake up and you aren't sure how you should feel about it. Parts you really don't want to forget, but there are parts where you could go the rest of your life not thinking about ever again.

This dream opened at my house and there was a party being thrown for me. This party was being thrown by all my friends, new & old. My book was finished and the publisher was very excited because it was doing so well and had even set me up for the next one. WOO HOO!!!

How could this dream have odd 'things that make you go hmmm' parts? Ah, wait.

A local reporter was at the party. She had wanted to interview me (like there aren't many other published writers in town to interview, but hey, its my dream :P). As we are talking at the party she asks me who it was that inspired me to write it.
"Who is the real man behind the man of the book?"
I simply smile and say there is no one. She looks around the room and standing a few feet away is one of my friends. "OH! That must be him! I can just see it!"
"No, no its not. Really, there isn't anyone behind him really."
"I don't believe it," she laughs.
Turning to my friends she goes, "How does it feel to be the inspiration behind a romance novel?"
"Again, it's not him, he is just a friend. And the girl next to him is his girlfriend of over a year. It was just me thinking it up. There is no other person in my life."

At that moment, as often happens in dreams, the whole room comes into focus. I can see everything that led up to that moment with each person in the room. Each person in the room is also either married, engaged, or dating. EVERYONE. Even the reporter has a date. I do not. As dreams go, let me tell you the awkward feeling that came over me was...awkward. Here I am this published romance novelist, and nada. lol

There was a bit more to it, but that was the basic premise. It was a great dream, if not personally depressing. lol So, this is why its followed me around all day. Thing is, I don't have any plans to 'fix' this problem. I don't need to. I know how to feel, I know how to imagine, and sometimes, I know how to write.

Today also brought with it this conversation:
S: "Ms X is here again. Ugh. She is so annoying."
Me: "Yup she is. Its crazy she has so many kids too."
S: "Omg I know. She's lost some weight though."
Me: "Yeah, I noticed that the last time."
S: "Did her husband come with her? So weird that someone like her is married."
Me: "Doubt it, he never comes....ya know. She's why I know I will be single forever."
S: "Because the weird ones are all somehow in relationships?"
Me: " YES! If God wanted me to be in one, you would think by now he would have provided. lol When I see couples like that, I know that I am supposed to be single. Its fate."
S: "I know what you mean. You may be on to something and be right, same goes for me."
Me; "Ummmm, you are dating someone..but sure whatever. lol"

This last bit was started a few weeks ago when I went out for drinks with a co-worker when I was driving her home. (mmmm Henry's Martinis :) ) I started writing the blog for it, but never finished, but it fits in rather nicely with all this. lol It has to do with combining lives.

~I know I am an oddity on this one. Maybe. Idk....Went out for drinks with a friend after work the other day and we started talking about her and her boyfriend. Both of them have such different time schedules. Shes an early morning riser/worker, hes a late night kind of guy. That morning they had ended up getting into a fight because they are merging their lives, and they are both such independent people that they find themselves butting heads a lot. She's been with him for over a year, and admittedly this doesn't happen nearly as often, nor does it bother her, as much when his way of thinking doesn't co-inside with hers like it once did.

We talked about combining lives and all that goes into it. What you feel you have to give up and what you expect the other person to do. Especially if you are an independant sort of soul. Thing is with that, is that it varies for each person. What you expect now, may not fit for that person that comes into your life later.

As a person that is constently merging her friends, I find this whole process odd. I believe it comes from my own "I'm walking into this with these beliefs" kind of attitude. (Which is why I am single! lol) I'm actually sort of the opposite of the norm in this case I think. I like my space. I can honestly say there has only been one person, that the thought of talking/hanging out with them every day, didn't make me groan or annoyed. (This is of course both encouraging because, gee, I guess anything is possible, and also scary, because what if that is the only one?!)

I am a FIRM believer in compromise. I'm banking on compromise. I see the best relationships allow for compromise. I see the hardest ones where things are forced to fit. ~~

It sort of rambles at bit, so I don't know where to take the 'train of thought' from there, but I think the basic gist of it is there. I'm difficult. I think many people have made the right decision in not dating me, and me not dating them. lol Or something like that right?

Who knows what Carolin will be thinking tomorrow, but today, with all the crap from work, family and 'life goals' this just makes her laugh. Such bigger things to deal with that she DOES have control over, no need to be upset about the things she can't control.

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There are things I don't say
That you really shouldn't know
The ideas and dreams and fears
That play upon this simple mind
There are reasons I don't share.
There are things I don't say
That you really should know
The feelings and hurt and joys
That create this fragile soul
There are reasons I don't share.

That its time to regroup

My online 'schedule' or check list seems to work for me, but everything still seems to be getting away from me. I'm piddling with all this little stuff, and getting nothing important done. I have blog topics sitting in my inbox, but do nothing with them. I have the test dates for the ABO & GRE. I have the grant work ready to be filled out for both school and business. I know the books I need to get to start a new path. BUT.... I am avoiding. Ugh, sometimes I wish I wasn't so good at that. I make it an art form.

SO, my internalized plan for this week was to focus and regroup. I think too much has been weighing on my mind and I need to shave some of it off. Take a step back and just look at everything. Because as of right now...I've got nothing.

I'm purposely sabotaging something that could be good for me. (I say purposely only because in looking back I can see it, but that's about it.)

I'm tired of the same old story running though my head and getting no where with it. Dead ends are sometimes just that, dead ends. Accept and walk away, not avoid and deny. lol

Yesterday was going to be the first day of this. It sort of was since I didn't really talk to anyone after work. I had a migraine hit me and just lay me out. I couldn't even drive home, had to have someone come get me and my car. First time for that happening. Not cool.
But other than laying in bed for half the evening and than sitting feeling the breeze and having imaginary conversations for the other half (I talked some stuff out, very cathartic), I did nothing.

All I know is I need to get a handle on the things that are really bugging me, because they are really effecting me. The migraines are one sign, the...cruel way I internally have been talking to myself is another (seriously, this is why I don't make enemies, I am just flippin' mean), and the wanting to avoid people/places.

I just want to figure this out right. I don't want to keep taking the same left turn (even if I don't know its the same one). I've got so much ready, it just needs that last added push.

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They say that anything worth having
Is worth fighting for
Yet she only sits and watches
As you continually walk out the door
She's fully aware of what she's missing
A fact that is there every day
Yet she's not the kind to keep wishing
And she'll keep letting you walk away

That I am avoiding this blog...

...just like I have been avoiding other things. Not entirely sure why...in regards to any of it. I think I've just been in a whiny/bitchy mood when I've started composing this blog lately...and I really don't want to be. lol

I've started some topics and blogs, but idk, just not feeling them.

There, my friends is the problem! I'm just not feeling any of this.

So much lately I feel like I've just been going through the motions. I think I can blame work for this too, because I am not allowed to not be unhappy there and must be the source of sunshine for all, I feel bottled and confused when I want to talk. K, so some people have gotten me when I have tried to unbottle...but I think I just feel bad and guilty then. Totally pissing me off. lol This, I think is making it worse. This endless cycle of hiding what is really going on. I've done this before in my life...I don't like it. A fake Caroline, does not make a happy Caroline. I don't care if the saying is 'fake it till ya make it'.

Hmmm, knowing is half the battle right? So, now to just figure out a way of making this work. To not have my personal life so jumbled and confused. Not have my personal goals scattered about. Not let work get me down so much that I feel like I am being watched the whole time. Yeah, this'll be fun. lol

It's the friends you can call up at 4am that matter.
~Marlene Dietrich

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A smile for a customer
A wave for a stranger
Polite conversation for
The person on the bus
A happy clap for a friend
An exhausted grimace for the mirror.