It shouldn't bother me.

At least it shouldn't bother me this much. My hometown of Joplin Mo was hit hard by a tornado. I worried like crazy yesterday when I couldn't reach my sister who lives there still. I know she's ok now. I'm still worrying about another close family friend. Otherwise, sounds like my friends and family there were uber lucky and even if their homes and belongings aren't ok, they are. I am unbelievably thankful for this. Knowing/hearing how many weren't so lucky....my God.
So one would think I could stop feeling so horrible. I can't though. I think its because that is my childhood. Joplin is my memories. Some shity ones sure, but some Damn good ones too. It was my place of so many firsts. To think those things are gone. Gone. I don't know, it seems too surreal.
I saw a picture of the church and grade school I went to, completely gone except for the cross. How to I reconcile that in my mind?!
There have been no photos of my old house. The one I lived in when we were all together. The one I hand painted one summer. The home I go to in my dreams. By all accounts though, its gone. The old Victorian house, that was now 101 years old, gone.
I scramble for memories, for pictures, for names. I can't be there. I would be in the way and of no help. I am helpless. I can't see my childhood in turmoil. I have to make myself believe the pictures. I have to make myself believe that my sister and her family are ok.
I should be relieved now. Saddened by the devastation, but not to the point that I am right? After all, my family is ok and it was only my past, a past I wasn't going back to, that is personally gone.
So many prayers are being said for everyone down there. Unless you'd been there and seen it with all the trees, you can't really see how bad it really is. :(