Saying goodbye

Caroline's been thinking that one is never prepared for things that you've not experienced before. 

My dad passed away this morning. So many thoughts. He's been fighting cancer since at least 2018, and he had do it through COVID. That wiped most of his will, because there was nothing he could do or places to go. No friends to visit with. 

Went to sleep last night drunk. I haven'tbeen sleepingwell this week and I needed some help to fall asleep. Even drunk though, around 2am I was still awake and just crying and screaming and...all over the place. I knew this day was coming, but obviously didn't think it'd be today. Woke up around 4am to pee. I  thought. My watch (connected to my phone) went off saying my mom was calling. I knew what that meant. 

Called my mom,  she told me he had died.  I got dressed and headed over. From there everything seems very surreal. Random things making me go from calm to inconsolable. Seeing the funeral home & my son, carry my dad from his room to the black bag and then leaving the house. My dad left the house for the last time today. And I don't know how to cope.