Accountability is a bitch

I seem to work well under pressure..or at least when I am held accountable for things. At the same time I absolutely hate it. I want to be accountable to only me for when I mess up. I keep thinking there is some middle ground. So I am contemplating creating a blog (yes, yes, another one!) somewhere that lists what I need to do that day/week/month. So its out there. In writing. I don't so much care if others see it. Although there would always be that element of 'someone could totally call me on that' with it out there. So I think that would be a good place to put my 'schedule'. I considered just using a gmail calendar, but then I would have to actively SHARE it with others and expect them to care lol....and it would make me actually accountable.

The randomness of a blog I think will work. We'll see.

I was considering asking if anyone else wanted to get on the blog too. All of us putting our goal/schedules out there. It somewhat makes me more accountable though...but its ok, because then someone is sort of accountable to me! :) I'm open to it if you are interested, if not..its all good. lol

accountabilityisabitch.tumblr.com

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It all seem so empty now
No longer trying to keep it all inside
Letting go leaves such gaping caverns
Inside my soul
I had nothing there to fill it
When I started clearing it out
So it all seems so empty now
With nothing left to say

That its all good really.

So, today and yesterday (and the last couple days as well) were actually really good days for the most part. I think the fact that I feel like crap though is making it suck overall. Like another friend stated in her blog, its just not being on the right schedule and then I start this slippery slope of not doing one more thing right. I'm not a morning person, so I won't pretend that waking up early/consistantly would help me, but I'm not being consistant with the amount of sleep I am getting at all. Changing work schedule doesn't help with that either.

I think I have locked my self into a 'bi-polar' way of life. The ups and downs and randomness of what bothers me is boggling. Because, really, I am happy. I'm not as happy as some of my friends think I was, but...I am ok. I just seem to be whining A LOT. Thing is, I get this way every spring I think. I look back a old posts or writtings and seriously, its the same thing around this time. lol Hows THAT for consistnacy.

I feel something hovering in the corner...but I am going to ignore it. I will this time, because I feel OK. Yeah, some things are bothering me, but its not like things haven't bothered me before. lol

So I am going to try and focus on things that I need to focus on. Getting back on my workout schedule would be a big one. I hate getting started all over again, but I think that would be the best idea, besides, once I do I'll love it again. Yeah, I am still working out, but its so spuratic and inconsistant I wonder if it's doing any good at all. ..Hmmm...I could be working out instead of typing and drinking tea. lol

Caroline's been thinking about how some things are confusing her, and that maybe that plays a part in her mood. She can't deside if she wants nothing or some. That and its just a reminder of what she doesn't actually have. Its a teaser. Try as she might, she can't get away from it either. Its there...teasing. She's thinking a road trip far away for a while would be helpful...but that would involve $ and time away from work...which she can't do right now. boo.

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As if the words from the song
Could be understood by you
The words and feelings that I conjure
In my mind
Will never match those that
Are missing in yours
The song will not trigger
The thoughts in you
That I long for you to admit
Silence is just as strong
Of a message