That this is a bit delayed, but was asked to do it so... :)

I've been away from this blog for a while. I have my reasons. I've still been writing, but as I told someone else, I just wasn't up for sharing it. Sometimes things we write from the soul tell too much, and it hurts too much when others can't see the depth of which you feel it. Somethings are best to just stay in my moleskine, I am trying to learn that. I will probably write two blogs tonight (WOO HOO) but first baby steps...if you call sharing some of your fears baby steps. lol

A friend of mine, Megan, passed this on to me. I don't think I will pass it on though (too few blogs I follow I suppose).

The Honest Scrap award is given by other bloggers who consider a blog’s content or design to be brilliant. The awardees must then post ten honest things about themselves and pass the award on to other bloggers who fit the bill – in other words, whose blog is brilliant.”

I think honesty is put to the test when you tell people things you’d rather not share. Things that scare you. So here’s 10 painfully honest / potentially disturbing things about me (proceed with caution):

1) I am completely and utterly vain. OK, not in the 'I am better than you' way. But in the 'if there is a mirror around me, watch, I will be talking to you THROUGH the mirror'. I watch myself. I can't help it, I've tried. Think most of the time it is so I can see how stupid I look, or see if I can make 'the' face I want. Maybe it makes reality just an image that I can live through and not face head on. I could go on with the reasonings, but honestly, I really try not to, but its always fun when friends catch on. I don't really think I have any reason to be vain since...

2)... My self confidence is often shattered by what I perceive to be reality and my horrid self body image. Chalk it up to always being bigger then your older sisters (I mean height wise...well at first.) You always feel not just big, but HUGE when you are taller then everyone else, and since I have never mastered the 'art' of being anorexic or bulimic, just due to basic physics, I am bigger in every other way too. You try standing next to your 5'4" best friend who wears a size 0 and you tell me you wouldn't start having issues! Or see all guys in your life (friends and otherwise) always choose the shorter 'cute', smaller girl. I work on this. But I do blame lots of things in my life on this. Lost relationships being the biggest. Because other then my slight insanity, my personality is awesome, why else would I be single? lol See what I deal with in my head?! ugh, moving on....

3) I live a contridiction in needs.One of them being that I love empty, clean spaces...but like lots of stuff. I am a budding pack rat (although I really do work on this too sometimes lol). I often crave the ability to rid myself of so much of the stuff I have, but can't seem to emotionally detach from them. / I have papers I wrote (not stories, but like math homework nonsense) from grade school. Yes, grade school. Not a lot mind you, but that's the thing, I keep things for memories. I can tell you stories about everything I own that leads me back to a person/event that in some way impacted my life. I still cherish the birthday card my grandma sent me when I was 6. I don't think she ever knew I thought of her that much. /I think my friends think I am kidding when I tell them that I would welcome their help in getting rid of things, I don't know where to start, and I want to share that memory one last time with someone else.

4) I take EVERYTHING personally. I think that says it all. No real exceptions there. Maybe it plays in with my vanity, because if you are in a bad mood, I contributed. That paper you wrote? Bout me. That song you mention? me. Work sucked? My fault. Sleep late? My fault. Didn't get enough sleep? My fault. You aren't happy? I did something to cause it. You are having a great time? Well...I like to think that was me. lol But.... Overall though, I at least realize I think this way and am generally able to talk myself down. lol

5) I also have a very guilty concious and feel bad for everything. Its bad. Example: I don't steal, but if something goes missing, my stomach twists and I worry that they'll think its me and because I just naturally feel guilty, I'll act guilty and then they will REALLY think its me. lol I feel guilty for thinking things in my head, as if those that the thoughts are directed to could hear and feel them. ....Yeah, I have issues. I know this.

6) I was taught to always be nice, if not civil to everyone. Everyone has their moments. However, 90% of people annoy the crap out of me 50% of the time, this wears on the niceness card. Sadly this facade is getting cracks in it. Why is it sad? Because I really usually like everyone! I don't want to let them know when they annoy me, because they won't ALWAYS annoy me. lol There aren't many people I don't try to/want to get along with, there are a few, but very few.

7) I have some childhood drama that I will probably never get over, so I don't bother talking about it. It makes me the 'quirky' person I am. However, I long for the day when I meet someone who will let me tell them all of it and will still be there for me when I am done. I almost thought I had that once.

8) Spiders. You may think that is not an especially 'personally honest' thing for me but..it is. I didn't always hate spiders. They were just icky and I didn't want them in my hair. Then I watched Charlotte's Web. I don't think I ever realized how many baby spiders are born at a time! OMG think of the brothers & sisters out for revenge if you kill one!! I did not want that wrath on me, so I started getting other people to kill the spiders...so the relaltives wouldn't come after me for revenge. Then I took an outdoor survival class. (The kind where I learned to make my own bowls and shoes from plants.) They were going to drop us in the middle of a forest and we were to find our way back, so they wanted to make sure we knew about the poisonous things. I learned about Black Widows and Brown Recluses. Oddly, Black Widows don't scare me as much. I now see all spiders as Brown Recluses however. Yes, even some black ones..because ya know the males and females are different colors. On top of them being tricky hunters with no webs, they still have that family of thousands out there. So I don't like spiders. :)

9) People who drop plans on me for stupid reasons make me very angry. Missing something because you over slept in the morning, however, is NEVER a stupid reason.

10) Well, I could end this with #10 being that I am constently worried about my friends leaving/not liking me or that I routinely deny being depressed or that I fear I will never reach any of my goals in life. But...that seems sad. So, I will end with telling you that although I do firmly now believe that I will probably never get married & have more kids, (too many things in my life have showed me this, especially in the past year) I still hope that I am wrong. :)

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The clouds began gathering
Thunder not heard by others rolled
Flashes of lightning blinded
The rumbling of it over took everything else
There was no power against the storm
No easy way to disperse the coming rain
The mind was full and would release
When it felt like pouring down