Just keep fighting it

I've been fighting with something for a while, and inevitably, it leads me to fighting with other things as well. Lately its been a tug between wanting to spend time with friends and people in general to just wanting to hide out at home curled up in a ball...or at least watching a movie. I think part of this problem is that lately I haven't been able to just go home.

Ok, so we already know that I like to be able to change up my schedule, but when friends plan things, those things are somewhat written in stone to me. They spent time to plan, they want company, I won't disappoint. Unless someone plans something early in the morning, there is a 99.9% chance I will be there. As with most holidays, now has come the time for gatherings of all types. It also brings with it more work. So between the two things, I have nothing left for me. I get home and just...sit. I get nothing I want done, so I think about those hours here and there where they are just mine. I long for a event free weekend/day.

Thing is, when I get that event free evening...I don't really want it. I want to share time with friends or someone. I don't want to DO anything...just sit. I used to have friends that I did that with, we just knew we would be hanging out. Not talking to each other, but there just the same. With how eveyone's schedules work, that's just not possible. ...which I am grateful for too. lol

I guess my biggest issue is that I am not in control of these things. I can't say, hey, lets hang out now and not then. These are planned things. Things I won't say no to. (Besides, I know damn well that should I not go to something I would totally regret it, because I have yet to fully regret hanging out with any of my friends.) Case in point, the other day I was all set to just sit and drink tea and write. I had told a friend so if they wanted to drop by they could, but it was me time. I had forgotten that a game was playing that night. There are traditions to be upheld! :) So, I spent the evening with friends instead. I enjoyed it, I don't regret it, but part of me is still waiting for that nice quiet evening at the tea house.

I'm not going to complain about all this. What would I have to complain about? I love my friends. I love having things to do. I'm only on this planet for so long, and currently my age and health allow me to function and move. I just have to fight my inner loner. She had such full reign of me for so long, she gets feisty and angry sometimes.

Today, she was trying to win, but I beat her down and went to an event and had a really good time. I get freaked around new people...especially lots of new people...but it turned out great. I suggested an 'ethnic potluck' to a friend and she loved the idea and that is what we did today. I spent half the day cooking for it, and the rest eating and talking at it. Not bad I say. :)








(And no, I can't take pictures when people are prepared. They aren't as fun!)

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It's never a constant
It always comes and goes
Changing on an almost hourly schedule
So hard to see what will be faced
Certainty is never there
Prepare for anything