Eleven and a half years ago, I went to Montana with my Dad to visit my sister. As was my way, I drove up there so we could stop by all the beautiful nature. On the long drive back to Kansas, we drove back through Yellowstone (side note, that was always me favorite part of the drive. There and back. Anyway...). Each time we drove through we tried to stop by a different 'attraction' in the park. If you have ever been there, you know its huge and there is plenty to see, and each season it is different. Another side note, I love waterfalls. Of all sizes. LOVE them. So we stopped to see one. I thought it was a simple stroll to the top of this waterfall (we were on one of the mountains, so we were high already). Granted, it took a long time to walk down to the vista point, I didn't care/notice because I was so excited about seeing the falls. ...Until we had to go back.
I have exercise induced asthma. Always have. Its a pain in the ass. This means that if I work out, I need an inhaler nearby because my lungs close up. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY FREAKING WEIGHT. God I wish it did. Trust me, this little side note will make sense in a minute.
I, unknown to me, was also pregnant at the time.
After staring at the fall for a while and thinking how BAD it would be to drop my glasses or keys or anything, we started heading back to the car. Keep in mind, we were just driving through, so we weren't in like hiking gear or with water bottles. This is when I started to notice the way back was a switch-back. I didn't know this was what it was called at the time. (A switch-back is when they make a path up a steep hill/mountain by going up in one direction at a 'low' incline, then turns back and goes the other way. Back and forth. Higher and higher. Long slow inclines.) After the SIXTH turn, I was winded. After the 15th turn I was sure I was going to die right there on that mountain. I had no idea how we had gone down so far and not noticed or thought about having to come back up. So with my asthma making me wheeze, the altitude not helping, and everything else, serious bad thoughts. I don't even remember the rest of the journey up, just that we made it.
From this memory, I have it in my head that I can not physically go up a switch-back trail. That they will 'kill' me. That they are too hard physically for me to do or handle. That there is no way I won't have an asthma attack. That I will have to force myself to be able to make it. Funny how time makes you realize why you don't like something.
Out at Clinton Lake, on one of the trails I've been hiking for years, there is a switch-back. Generally, I avoid that area of trail. Hell, I have made my own trail. Never thought about it until I tried running it last week. I got through one full level and my mind told me there was no way I could do it. I didn't even fight it. I just walked it and omg it felt like the weight of the world was pushing against me. It wasn't. It was just a long incline switch-back, not even a quarter of what the path at Yellowstone was.
When I was in high school, for practice for both volleyball and basketball, coaches had us do stair laps in the gym. (We didn't have a stadium.) This was no big deal in 9th or 10th or most of 11th grade. It was just part of conditioning. Wasn't my favorite, but it was doable. Then two years in a row, either for one or both sports, the coach made us run them, not for conditioning, but for punishment. If we didn't win (and oh my God, we almost never won) they made us run them. Over and over. For the whole hour and half of practice.
After a particularly bad basketball game, the coach made us run for each point they beat us by. The other team had 100 pointed us. If you have ever run stair laps (and I mean laps here, not just up and down) then you probably know the likelihood of depth perception to play with your mind. Steps are no longer where you thought they were. Knees are done with bending. Feet hit the wrong spots. You LONG for the short distances between stairways so you can walk (if the coach isn't looking of course). Asthma and stairs also don't mix. Nor does a freshly healed sprained ankle. Or bad knees. lol I was falling apart so young.
Today, I use the stairs when available, but the thought of running stairs...wow, just shoot me. I know there is no coach down there watching me and making me do them and keeping me from playing or getting my letter, but its there in my head. The pain and fear associated with stair laps. Just thinking of doing them makes me start to breath funny. A weird part of me would like to do them again. They are great for training and I need to strengthen my knees, but mentally, I wouldn't be able to do them. I don't know if I would make them up the first level.
I know it's all mental. I have no issues trying to sprint up a rocky steep incline. My knees hurt, but I can go up and down stairs. I know, I really do, that I can physically do them. At least while I sit here and type this out. But get me in either of those situations and you would think I hadn't moved off my couch in years. Mentally, I won't let myself get into those situations again. Makes me think of how, once you get sick off eating something, you can never eat it again because your mind associates it with you getting sick. I don't know, I just wish it wasn't such a mental thing. I would like to think that with time, it would get better...but you have to try them first.
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