Words are hard

There are many words that when put together with other words, are hard to say. Words that we have such a hard time saying. This can be due to past experiences, fear, or stubbornness. There are words that seem to allude our conversations, because we have pushed them so far back there, that it doesn't feel right to even say them anymore. I know what mine are.

For many these words are "I love you," that isn't so much a problem for me. I can say that. I love all my friends (ok, most of them :P). I say it routinely and freely to most of them. I do have one (or two) friends I just won't ever say it to, however. I know that they would take it the wrong way and then things would be weird, and who wants weird?!

For many these words are "I'm sorry." lol Well, I have gotten used to saying that. So much, that at times I think people don't believe me. "I'm sorry" means different things at different times to me, but I am way to empathetic, so in some form, I usually am sorry - that you are going through that, that I hurt you, etc. However, I know that when I've been fighting tooth & nail and then find out that I was wrong, I think that might be the hardest for me to say I'm sorry. ....but I don't think I am alone in that one. lol

For some these words are "I forgive you." That used to never be a problem for me. It's how I was raised. Forgiveness is a big thing. It's hard, but it does no good to harbor constant anger. So I forgive, and I used to tell people when/if they apologized. I'm not so good anymore. I still forgive (and please, don't take forgive as equaling forget) but its not as easy, and I generally don't say it anymore. I was burned way too often by that. It's easy to look like a doormat to people when you forgive them for treating you like crap too many times.

For some these words are "I need help." These are the words for me. I never really thought about it until a friend pointed out that I never actually ask for help. I kind of put it out there that I may need it, but I never ask. Or I rarely ask. It's totally true though. As my own self diagnoser, I can tell you why too. Help's fallen through so much for me. Now, this part may sound bitchy, but honestly, it's not meant to be.

I believe in the golden rule, and if I help you, you'll help me and vise-versa. So part of me thinks I shouldn't have to point blank ask. If you see me struggling, well of COURSE I need help. If I always help you with 'a', I believe that when I need help with 'a' you'll be there for me too. (And honestly, the past few years, out of some seeded spite which I am not proud of, I have stopped volunteering my help without being asked, and for some, I will just flat out say no to now.)

The other reason I don't ask is this: If I don't ask you to help, and you don't help, I don't have to be upset with you when you don't help. If I ask for help, and no one is there for me, then I get upset, because, well, what the hell? This happens. When I actually ask for help (which means I know I need it) I get turned down, or it's ignored, or they say they'll help and then never show. It's painful really. Me asking for help is me throwing myself out there, strange as that sounds. It's a way to reject me I guess. That I am not important enough to help. I don't know, it sounds weird typing it out, but well, there it is. This is *my* take on it. I know this is not what it really means when someone says no...or at least that is what I tell myself. lol

There is also the guilt issue. I know I feel bad when I can't help someone. I also know people can't always help me. So I bypass the guilt of the decision, by not asking. I really don't want people to feel like the *need* to help me, I want them to want to help me, and if they can't, done....but I want them to help me. So I go through this crazy cycle of insanity in my own head about asking *you* to help me. lol

...And with that being said, I am going to 'woman up' and email a few friends today...because I need help....and with no guilt intended, I hope I get a response.

Sometimes words are hard.