That of all the things bothering me...this isn't. lol

So ask me on another day, and the answer might be different, but today, today this whole situation just makes me laugh at the absurdity of my life and life in general. This is not a 'pick me up' or give me encouraging words. Or God forbid a 'tell me it'll happen' plea. This is me, telling you stories or 'just the way it is'. You can judge which is which. lol What the hell am I talking about? Oh, me and being single. (No, we won't talk about the convent today. :) )

Last night I had a weird dream. Its one of those dreams where you wake up and you aren't sure how you should feel about it. Parts you really don't want to forget, but there are parts where you could go the rest of your life not thinking about ever again.

This dream opened at my house and there was a party being thrown for me. This party was being thrown by all my friends, new & old. My book was finished and the publisher was very excited because it was doing so well and had even set me up for the next one. WOO HOO!!!

How could this dream have odd 'things that make you go hmmm' parts? Ah, wait.

A local reporter was at the party. She had wanted to interview me (like there aren't many other published writers in town to interview, but hey, its my dream :P). As we are talking at the party she asks me who it was that inspired me to write it.
"Who is the real man behind the man of the book?"
I simply smile and say there is no one. She looks around the room and standing a few feet away is one of my friends. "OH! That must be him! I can just see it!"
"No, no its not. Really, there isn't anyone behind him really."
"I don't believe it," she laughs.
Turning to my friends she goes, "How does it feel to be the inspiration behind a romance novel?"
"Again, it's not him, he is just a friend. And the girl next to him is his girlfriend of over a year. It was just me thinking it up. There is no other person in my life."

At that moment, as often happens in dreams, the whole room comes into focus. I can see everything that led up to that moment with each person in the room. Each person in the room is also either married, engaged, or dating. EVERYONE. Even the reporter has a date. I do not. As dreams go, let me tell you the awkward feeling that came over me was...awkward. Here I am this published romance novelist, and nada. lol

There was a bit more to it, but that was the basic premise. It was a great dream, if not personally depressing. lol So, this is why its followed me around all day. Thing is, I don't have any plans to 'fix' this problem. I don't need to. I know how to feel, I know how to imagine, and sometimes, I know how to write.

Today also brought with it this conversation:
S: "Ms X is here again. Ugh. She is so annoying."
Me: "Yup she is. Its crazy she has so many kids too."
S: "Omg I know. She's lost some weight though."
Me: "Yeah, I noticed that the last time."
S: "Did her husband come with her? So weird that someone like her is married."
Me: "Doubt it, he never comes....ya know. She's why I know I will be single forever."
S: "Because the weird ones are all somehow in relationships?"
Me: " YES! If God wanted me to be in one, you would think by now he would have provided. lol When I see couples like that, I know that I am supposed to be single. Its fate."
S: "I know what you mean. You may be on to something and be right, same goes for me."
Me; "Ummmm, you are dating someone..but sure whatever. lol"

This last bit was started a few weeks ago when I went out for drinks with a co-worker when I was driving her home. (mmmm Henry's Martinis :) ) I started writing the blog for it, but never finished, but it fits in rather nicely with all this. lol It has to do with combining lives.

~I know I am an oddity on this one. Maybe. Idk....Went out for drinks with a friend after work the other day and we started talking about her and her boyfriend. Both of them have such different time schedules. Shes an early morning riser/worker, hes a late night kind of guy. That morning they had ended up getting into a fight because they are merging their lives, and they are both such independent people that they find themselves butting heads a lot. She's been with him for over a year, and admittedly this doesn't happen nearly as often, nor does it bother her, as much when his way of thinking doesn't co-inside with hers like it once did.

We talked about combining lives and all that goes into it. What you feel you have to give up and what you expect the other person to do. Especially if you are an independant sort of soul. Thing is with that, is that it varies for each person. What you expect now, may not fit for that person that comes into your life later.

As a person that is constently merging her friends, I find this whole process odd. I believe it comes from my own "I'm walking into this with these beliefs" kind of attitude. (Which is why I am single! lol) I'm actually sort of the opposite of the norm in this case I think. I like my space. I can honestly say there has only been one person, that the thought of talking/hanging out with them every day, didn't make me groan or annoyed. (This is of course both encouraging because, gee, I guess anything is possible, and also scary, because what if that is the only one?!)

I am a FIRM believer in compromise. I'm banking on compromise. I see the best relationships allow for compromise. I see the hardest ones where things are forced to fit. ~~

It sort of rambles at bit, so I don't know where to take the 'train of thought' from there, but I think the basic gist of it is there. I'm difficult. I think many people have made the right decision in not dating me, and me not dating them. lol Or something like that right?

Who knows what Carolin will be thinking tomorrow, but today, with all the crap from work, family and 'life goals' this just makes her laugh. Such bigger things to deal with that she DOES have control over, no need to be upset about the things she can't control.

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There are things I don't say
That you really shouldn't know
The ideas and dreams and fears
That play upon this simple mind
There are reasons I don't share.
There are things I don't say
That you really should know
The feelings and hurt and joys
That create this fragile soul
There are reasons I don't share.