I am who I am, and some things don't change.

Over the course of my life I've changed. I may not think about something the same way. I change my hair, what I like to eat, how I believe, and what I am interested in. I believe this is natural. People change. You change. (Whether you want to or not.) However, I think, that there are sometimes aspects of ourselves, that no matter what happens, or how we try, they are almost fundamental to our beings. Sure, they could be changed along with everything else, but at the base of it, they sort of make up who you are. These odd little basics of our beings are different for everyone.

I love seeing people I know and don't know, work at change in their lives. I love to encounter new people and see those things that work in their lives. I have found gateways to many new habits this way. Oftentimes, I will even try to take up a habit that goes against my grain. I figure if it works for them, it can work for me too. Right?

Wrong.

Over the past year, I seem to be meeting more and more 'morning' people. Early to bed, early to rise. I see nothing wrong with this. Mornings are beauty times of the day. The quiet. Ya know, because everyone else is asleep. Recently another friend who had been a late night person, changed their schedule to be the reverse. In a way, I am shocked and jealous of this. Because that never worked for me.

Every once in a while I meet someone, who in a way, inspires me to change me. Three times I was 'inspired' to be a morning person. The idea of it was so inspiring. Night people always get this 'I pity you' look from others, so I tried. Three times. For months. I was miserable.

I wasn't able to do anything in the morning but stare. Just because I was awake, doesn't mean I was awake. I would try to go work out and found that yoga poses that I could rock in the evening I could barely even attempt to move into. Writing that I wanted to get done seemed even more like drivel. To put it simply, it didn't matter how much sleep I was getting, my body and mind did not see any reason to be a functioning morning person.

After the last time I tried, I realized that I am a night person to the core. I accept this. I embrace this. It is who I am. When people describe me, they can know that will be a constant. "Caroline does not like early mornings and she can stay up very late if needed." I am ok with this. Sure, I miss out on the early morning bike rides or the trips to the coffee shops before work...but I get to sleep. lol I enjoy all that night has to offer me. To me, its a quiet time of reflection and a window to the unending mystery of space (which to me inspires the feeling of all the possibilities in life). Not everyone feels this way. I am ok with that too.

My other defining characteristic I suppose is Coke. I drink it...and I need it. This I think puts in people's minds that I am an endless drinker of it. That there is always one in my hand and I must have one every day. Years ago, I would have agreed, but ya know what, that much soda will kill you or at least make you sick. I know that. I didn't want to have ulcers or have Coke be my 'water'. I cut back. Actually, I tried to stop completely a few times because I thought it would be in my best interest. It wasn't. (Except durning my pregnacy, in which I actually drank NO caffeen what so ever. Weird. I went cold turkey and was OK....as ok as a pregnant woman can be. lol) I like it, and I, for myself, see no reason to stop drinking it. Moderation being the key most days.

I almost feel guilty sometimes because I have friends who I have known through the years who either never drank soda or were trying to give it up,and here I am, drinking it with no qualms. I don't think I am tempting them, its more of a 'how low am I to still be drinking this horrible concotion'. Sometimes I would try to stop drinking with them. I find now that this is a pointless endevor for me. That and I am stubborn, the more you tell me I can't have something, the more I have to have it. In the interest of my health (because I had been truely and fully addicted to it for a while. I had to have one every few hours. First thing in the morning. Every meal...) I cut myself back to one a day. That was hard, and friends didn't talk to me for a while because I was seriously going through withdrawl.

Then I worked on 'drowning' the Coke out of my system with water. For every ounce of Coke, I drank 2oz of water. Let me tell you, you cut back fast. But I also felt better. It wasn't because of the lack of Coke though, it was the water. I substituted my water for Coke so often I didn't realize. Now I may or may not have a Coke a day.

On stressful or migraine days, there is no question, there will be a Coke around, but overall, its a give or take. I like that control over it. lol I also like people not realizing that. Why? Because it is who I am. I like my Coke, just like I like my late nights, I have tried to give it up, but, idk, its become a part of me. Of who I am, who I am identified with. Sure, sometimes I will roll my eyes internally, but...its me.

I also like seeing the physical reminders of my past. Its so much stronger than any mental memory. As such, I keep things...everything. lol I do get rid of somethings, but I know I am a 'collector'. Sometimes I wish for the bareness of my room or living room, but when I sit and look around trying to figure out what to get rid of...nothing comes to mind. Its annoying, but that is me as well. I have stuff. Although I am always willing to let my friends adopt my stuff. :) This is a part of me that has never waivered.

I also love activity. I know, you don't believe that by looking at me, but I am the friend that is always doing something. Working out, playing a game, going for walk. Physicial activity. I like that my friends know that about me too...and I don't plan on changing that either. The two times I did they were horrible horrible years.

Caroline is thinking that, there are lots of things she would like to change about herself, but there are a few she can't/won't change because they make up who she is. It would be like meeting a stranger. Day and night people are different, they see things differently, changing that changes you. lol She won't lie, she when she sees people changing she sees the world as a big tug of war between night and day people and sees the night people losing. :) Its awesome when someone can change that about themselves. Changing your internal schedule is not an easy thing to do.

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So easily I think I could lie
And say the little things
No longer matter and are ignored
But everyday the little things
Are the things that have me floored
Thing is, they aren't expected
I work on getting a handle
On all the big things all the time
Focused on making things right
Aware of the big things all the time
That I leave nothing left for the little fight