Is that I am an emotional whirlwind

Ok, so that's not all that this blog is about....but I just saw something...and it unexpectedly tore my heart out. Seriously what the hell. I can't keep letting things bother me like this, but I don't expect them too! But there I am, going about my business then SLAM. Right there. Upside my head. I'm shambled. Maybe its because I attach things/places/sayings/thoughts/songs/etc. to people. Seriously. I have no right to be mad...but I kind of am. ...Totally killed my vibe. :(

Well, lets see if I can write my way out of this. I was going to start off by joking about how when I come up with a good topic in my car for a blog, I really should write it down and not go, "oh no, this time I will remember." That is a blatant lie. I never remember, and then I'm all frustrated because I can't remember! Vicious cycle!

I think I am going to have to break down and schedule my days. I hate doing that, mainly because I know I like to change my own schedule just because I can. Trying to keep it on track is damn near impossible anyway when you have a kid involved and a work schedule that sounds like it has a beginning and an end...but is just washy. (Oddly enough, its close to the same argument I use for budgeting...)

I was reading an article about writing and they said, especially if you have another job, you should schedule your writing, just like it was another job. Thing is, I have all these other things to complete, and I am already trying to mess it up because I decided to read a fluff book instead of one of the many books I have to study from. ...Although I like to think the fluff book was sort of research/genre absorption for my book. lol So I am already working on the sabotage. I will not let it be!!

To appease myself, I am going to switch the days. Monday study this, Tuesday study that, Wednesday happy reading (this can be ok only once a week, only takes me a few hours to read those books anyway...), etc. Ok, so I am not positive how I am going to make this work. I still need to schedule in my writing, my daily writing, and my workouts. OH, and a life. I would like to make sure I schedule that in too. I am trying not to put pressure on myself, but idk, maybe its just what I need. It could keep my mind off other things that are bothering me. Right? :)

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This weekend was fun. One of my favorite bars, the Sandbar was celebrating 20 years by throwing a block party out side their bar. I got to hang out with some friends from college that rarely get to see, dress up like a pirate and dance like a goob in front of lots of people. :) Yeah, I wouldn't have wanted to miss that at all. It was a bit hectic, but totally worth it, especially since they let me have all the dirty banana drinks I wanted. lol

Going to one thing though, meant I had to miss one thing completely and only make 'an appearance' at another.

One of my old co-worker/friends was having a bachelorette party that night too. They were starting when I was supposed to be getting ready to dance though, so that didn't happen.

The other was a house warming party for a new friend. I had problems with this one. 1) It was a new friend, so honestly, I wasn't sure if I was even invited. Seriously. 2) I get freaked out going to parties where I don't know most the people. Its my own form of anxiety. And with the mood I was in, I couldn't go in alone and mingle with what my mind was making into couples, couples, couples. Makes it even more awkward for me. I am grateful that a friend encouraged me to come for a bit though. I 'woman-ed' up and walked over from the Sandbar. Most importantly, after I got my unease under control, I had some fun. I was fine with my decision to stay at the bar for the rest of the night and not come back to the party, until a friend posted a great video from it. And damn it, now I regret leaving. lol Ah well, we can't be everywhere at once, and someone has to leave the party first right?

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The night doesn't offer protection
That the mind hopes it will
The thoughts that are so clear
In the light of the sun
Become so much more when
Shared in the night with your mind
The dreams that you hoped wouldn't happen
The hopes that you hid away
Often come out and taunt you
After the light of day
The double edged sword of the night's plan
Is a tricky plot indeed
To show you images of all you want
Then take it away when it reveals the sun
Or to show you what is in your world
And than wake you to the truth that is.
When your other senses rest
Your heart and mind go to war.
No the night doesn't offer protection
That your soul might hope it would.