That I have always been a proponent of taking responsibilty for your own actions...

...Yet for some reason lately, Caroline has started to realize that she has taken too much of the blame in certain situations in her life. She is beginning to think that, yes, there are times where she can say, "I might have played a small role, but you messed up my life (or day or whatever)." She doesn't want to take the blame anymore, and realizes that she doesn't have to.

I've never been one to believe that things just happen or that one thing/person is to blame. I see the web surrounding it. The multiple causes. (There is a whole tangent on this one...) I also, like I said, am a firm believer in taking responsibility when you, yourself, mess up. It happens. It sucks, but it happens, so don't go blaming all your woes on someone else.

So for years, I have taken a personal blame for things. Its all my fault things turned out the way there are. I screwed up my life all on my own. In some areas, yeah, I let myself be guided away from my goals. However, as I was sitting in reflection on my life and where its going, where it could of been, and how I took it all, I got pissed. Not just sort of mad, pissed.

I did a good job of messing some things up, but this person...ugh, they had no soul. For years I have been 'upset' with them, and joked that they have no soul, but always felt that things were my fault really. If I had done this, if I had been like that, if if if. I hate ifs. In this situation I am done with them. They won't change anything. I think allowing myself to let go of the ifs, allowed me to be angry. I should have been angry years ago. There are reasons people called you demon.

And I blame you, sir for it. I blame you for taking away things in my life I worked so hard for. For making me believe that I wasn't good enough to do things. That the things I was working towards were useless. That I was only good enough for what you might deem to let me have. I blame you for getting me stuck here because of your damn selfishness and lies. I blame you. You didn't have to tell me the stories. You didn't have to fill my head with ideas that with you, everything was going to be ok. I had been doing fine without them. I would have preferred you hadn't shook my naivete in the world. Or my ability to trust blindly or believe the good things people say to me. I blame you for leaving me to believe when you said you would be there, you would.

Now I can be done with it. Or at least try to. I don't have to deal with you on a day to day basis, and I am no longer going to fear that it will ever change. I can tell you to take a flying leap should I need to. I no longer care how I live my life might effect yours. Congrats, you got me to blame someone for something.

I may feel guilty for saying it. (It may take me 2 weeks to finally post it with enough guts even though you will never see it.) I may cringe that I have actually blamed someone else for a road my life has taken, because I never have before. I think I need to though. I am starting with you.

(original post day 6-20-09)

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Insomnia

I lay here, not able to sleep
Not quite able to cry.
I feel so empty, but also
So full of....something
I don't understand any of this
I want it all to go away
But that's a great fear all on its own
I don't know what I want
I don't know what I don't want
I don't think I want to be me
I am tired of myself
I am tired of my inability to
change the things I want to
I don't want uncertainty
I don't want the hard road anymore
I want to be able to rewrite parts
of my history
I want to be a me I can never be
The thoughts keep swirling
Making me tired,
but unable to sleep.
My soul is exhausted.