I'm a little annoyed at my birthday month right now

I mentioned something to a friend the other day...and I think I will no longer say it in jest, but in totally truth. I will no longer say a year, month, week, day, etc is going to be better then the last year, month, week, day, etc. I believe that is like a challenge cry to the world to CRUSH you. Ok, maybe not CRUSH you CRUSH you...but crush you.

I told myself no way was 2009 going to be anywhere near as bad as 2008 had been/become. (I think I had forgotten some of the really great things about 2008 when I said that.) So 2009 decided to be a challenge. Thanks so much 2009.

Last month was pretty much crappy for just about everyone somehow. So the battle cry was that September was NOT going to suck too. OMG we might as well have thrown in the towel, because I don't think I have hated my birthday month any more then I have this year.

I really want to focus on the good in my life, because damn it, there IS a lot of good in my life. There are some good people and good times. And yeah, I may be pretending something horrible isn't happening right now in my life...but that's what I do. I avoid and pretend it doesn't exist. We'll see how that pans out. (spoiler: IT WON'T BE GOOD!) However, I don't think I care anymore.(Its just going to get worse anyway, I might as well ride it out.) Shit happens right?

A big part of it is me though. I think somewhere along the line here this year, I had (or felt like I had to) to start acting like this around this person, and this around this person and this around this person and then work said I needed to act like this around this person and do this but not that, but do that, but not as much, until we want you to act like that.

Confused? So am I.

I miss being me. She doesn't get to come out as much anymore. I know I did some of it out of 'social acceptability' but really? Was that necessary? So on a long car ride, I came to the obvious conclusion that I just need to be me. Granted, yeah, I have manners so yeah, I know how to act differently in different settings. I also am nothing if I can't work on a professional attitude. So yeah, there will be that. (Actually, because of...things, work will still be my sore spot, but if I can get the rest down, it should get a little better right?)

What does that mean? Well not that I am going to start being mean to people. So don't worry. But...some people will probably be...offset? If I want to talk, I will talk. I am a sarcastic person. Good natured in it. This will probably be seen more too. For everyone. I'm not hiding some crazy personality. There isn't going to be any MAJOR changes. Hell, most people won't notice anyway. lol But I am doing it for me....and if you notice....woo hoo?

(This also means that I probably won't need to drink. Yeah, that sounds funny, but seriously, I believe I have drunk more this year and gotten tipsy/drunk more this year then I have in the past 10 years combined. Yeah. That much of an increase. (Side note: no I am not drinking every day or every weekend. Just a lot more and a lot heavier then in the past. I'm not so much liking that.) I think realized I have been drinking more so I can relax as I play a role. A role I am not happy or comfortable with. That role, not being me.)

I really don't know what I am trying to say...but...I need to rectify where everything is going. I need to control some aspect of my life and if I can control one area by being myself around ALL my friends and acquaintances, that's what will happen.

Yea for plans of action! Yea for just working on being happy!!!

Or this could all be because its been a rough year/month for me and all I really want it a good hug. Who knows. lol

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Gathering

Laughter echos off the walls
The warmth of the gathering is felt
In every room of the house
Smiles aren't just seen
But taken to heart
Comfort is in each soul
Stress took a number at the door
And still hasn't gotten in