I had a bad day...

But I'm not going to let it keep me down. I saw something last night, that had I thought about it really, I wouldn't have let myself see...but I did. And it killed me. More than I thought it could. Its so strange how things can have that effect on you. Anyway, I knew what I was feeling/thinking was pointless, so I laid down and went to sleep early. Only to wake up at 3am...thinking. So I said 'fuck it' and read more things that would depress me. lol Yeah, I know. However, I said I only get this day. Then its done. No wallowing in grief over this for days. I think I can do this.

So I made it an emo day. I was staying home anyway so it was perfect timing to just shut off for a bit. I let things bother me. I didn't hide what I was feeling from myself. I just let it out. I took it in. I over analyzed. I cried. I forced more pain on myself. Cried some more.

Then, when I thought I was done, I got a call that I didn't get something I had been hoping for. Being my emo day, I can fully say, yeah, I knew I wouldn't. I wanted it too much. And if you've known me for a while (or stick around to know me for a while) you will see the pattern where, regardless of the fight I do or don't put up, I don't get the things I want or the things that will be good for me. Its just not in the cards of fate for that to happen. So I cried a bit more. ...then forced more pain on myself. lol Yeah. it was that kind of day.

It all gives me lots to think about. I don't know why I stay here. I mean, I do...but they are cop out reasons. I can move on. I can try someplace else. Where? I have no idea...but idk...maybe fate is telling me that its time. Get the hell out of Dodge or we'll crush you. Or it could just be the emo day talking. We'll see tomorrow. But...things have to change...somewhere.

Caroline is thinking that, yeah, she could have done without the emo day...but she's ok with it. Memory road sucks a lot of the time...but it is also nice to remember sometimes too. Its such a tricky road. She's confident all will be fine tomorrow. She'll wake up and this Friday will have dissipated. That's the hope anyway...and she is nothing if not full of crazy ass hope.

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Loud Silence

The silence is so welcoming
So much more than expected
Who knew that the silence
Of the distant highway with
Traveling trucks
And crickets and grasshoppers
Stating their ground
And the wind blowing through
Your ears after chasing the trees
And the water splashing as it
Travels down a small waterfall
Could be the best silence of all