Death trumps all

Originally I was going to start this month off by talking about the great Halloween I had down with my sister in Joplin, MO. Now, however, I am going to leave that for another night because I want to get this out first. Writing has always helped me to sort through things (not that everyone appreciated me doing so...) and I really need to do that now. This is a little about letting go, a little about regret, a little about urban families, and a little about friends.

My parents are from Jersey City, NJ. My siblings were all born in Jersey City, NJ. All my aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents lived in the Jersey area. Then my dad started working for a restaurant and he got transferred. With every promotion another move. Generally they would be someplace for maybe 6 months. After I was born we moved another 4 or 5 times. Then we moved to Joplin. My dad was going to be the one who opened the store that was being built, and he told them he wanted to stay in one place for a while. I was three.

Needless to say, we were a world apart now from the relatives on the East coast. Work schedule and 4 kids didn't allow many trips back. So holidays were our own, by ourselves or church people. Enter my kindergarten year and its like the planets aligned for things to work out. My mom was taking an exercise class with mom who's boy happened to be in my class in the morning who I was friends with. Her eldest son was my oldest sister's age, her daughter was my brothers. There was a younger son for her and my middle sister, but that doesn't quite fit as nicely in the story. The woman's name was Mary, and her family was up in Montana, so she was 'alone' in Mo too. This is where it starts folks.

From that year on, my family and her family were close. Every weekend we would get together on Sunday and play games, watch movies, and share a meal. EVERY SUNDAY. They were our extended family on holidays. She was the one who would take me in when my parents would leave town. We stood there with her when her oldest son was killed and if felt like part of my family was missing. They were a second family and I didn't know it. She was a second mom. Up until we moved from Joplin 'for good' in '92, we all knew everything about each other. When we would go back to visit my sisters or brother who still lived in town, we would go visit her.

Time changes everything. We get wrapped up in who is around us, and at times forget who was there before. I know I did. I would visit every once in a while when I would go down, but I think I tried to leave her as she was when I was still in school. When I heard how ill she had become, I was annoyed that I hadn't known sooner. I was torn between seeing her and not seeing her. I already have such a problem with mortality and saying goodbye in any capacity. So each weekend I would put it off or I was busy and then I worked every Saturday and couldn't possibly then right? (Lest you all forget I deal with things by avoidance if I can.)

Saturday, I had considered dropping by and seeing her and then going on to my sister's, but just figured it would be a hassle, I was in a hurry, and I could visit her some other time. Yet, as I was outside having fun and hanging out with friends and family, she breathed her last. She was with one of her sons and her daughter at the time (which I am glad for).

Mary was a great woman. A strong woman who lost her first husband and divorced her second and raised 4 kids on her own. She was a smart woman who worked at the university. She was a woman who gave a damn about other people. She volunteered with the Search and Rescue with her dog. She didn't like flowers (and as such has requested any money that might have been spent on flowers be donated the the Search & Rescue organization.) She liked ducks. lol She was an intricate part of my childhood and growing up, and so another part of my childhood has died with her.

I'm not good at goodbyes. I never have been. I have too strong of memories of people that enter my life to welcome them. My hope is that after the funeral I will be able to pretend that she is still there, on her new house on Kentucky with her dog. Right now though, its various waves of pain and regret. I say I welcome distractions from friends, and at times its true, but I think I just want someone to sit with me or go for a walk, because I can't really handle anymore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ducks in a row

The end can be seen
Its not so far away
The truth no longer hidden
All know what to say
Its all undeniable
Like the shining sun
The chance to end it
Like you want to though
Is there for you to take
You still get to make choices
Before the big one
Gets taken away
Plans for every detail
Are gathered and discussed
Like the ones forever
On your mantel
The ducks are in a row

Rest in peace Mary Davis, you will be missed and you were loved.