Sometimes you can't hide it anymore

(Bare with me here folks, I am on a different type of key board and my fingers are still trying to find a rythm, this blog might have more issues than normal. Sorry.)

I went 'back home' today for Mary's wake. It seemed like it was all going smoothly. I couldn't focus at work and we were slow, so I went home early. I took my odd feeling as just getting things ready at my house for my friend who would be watching my son.

I was riding down to Jopin with my parents so I didn't have to worry about the issue of gas or driving. we hit the road. I had brought books, my iPod, my moleskine, and notes for my book. I was going to do things on the car ride down. All I could mangage though, was a few pages of reading here and there. I blamed my lack of focus on the book. I blamed my unease on my dad's driving.

We hit town sooner than I thought we would so we stopped by my sister's store. I wasn't really in the mood to look around, but my parents were. So I just wandered up and down the aisles. I just took this as me being tired.

We got to her house a bit later and then my brother came over. It was like a weird family reunion. Not very often we are all together unless its a holiday...or a funeral I guess. We had an hour or so before the wake and everyone wanted to go get food. I wasn't that hungry, but I knocked that up to having an ok lunch and it being 'early' for me for dinner.

Then we got to the funeral home. I was ok. Talking to my brother as we walked in. Then I saw my childhood friend. Then I saw the people. I grew silent. I was still 'ok' but something felt weird. Signed my name and then went in and saw Liz, Mary's daughter. We hugged, and it was like nothing had changed over the years..except I was taller. lol Then I saw Tom, Mary's youngest. He got up and hugged me. Like with Liz, I was introduced to those around him as his other sister. The fact of how close our families were and made us like a second family.

Then I turned towards the front of the room where Mary was laying. No one else was up there, so I went to say my goodbye. I have done this part before. I have said goodbye to family and friends. I didn't know that seeing her there. Seeing it finally there like that, would hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew then why everything was so off all week. This was much more then I wanted to admit. I sat there saying sorry for not coming more. Sorry for not saying goodbye. Just sorry. That she had meant so much to me and was such a huge part of my growing up. That she was that second mom to me. I was crying. I got up and walked to the side for a tissue. Looked up and saw her family. Saw Liz who was barely hanging on, so I walked out the side door. And then I lost it. Completely.

I was glad no one was in that hallway. I was trying so hard to keep it in, but there it was, pouring out of me finally. I ended up balled over trying to control the spasms passing through me. I don't lose control like this. At least, I never had before. I got control and walked the far way from the door trying to get some composure. By that time they were about ready to start the rosary so I went and found my seat next to my brother. I sat there with, what I hope, was a vacant expression. One of my old classmate's mother was sitting in front of us and she started talking to me. Thankfully my brother and another old family friend held most of the conversation so I could just sit there and nod.

Then her family walked in for the rosary. The tears started again. I couldn't stop them. I tried. But as soon as one was wiped away, the another replaced it. I tried to lose myself in the repeating litany of the prayers, but I could barely utter them. Total suck. So finally I just took off my glasses and sat and listened.

After the prayers they started a short slide show of Mary's life over her coffin. One of the pictures was from one of our Sunday dinners/game days. My dad was in one corner, I was in the other, Mary was in the middle with Charlie, Liz and Tom. It hit me once again.

It was all gone. That would never happen again. My childhood was gone and those that were key players in it were gone as well.

Then I finally went and talked to Charlie. He was the one that was in my class. Even though I totally lost touch with him, he didn't bat an eye when introducing me as a sister. And honestly, like with others, that old bond was still there. There was no awkwardness in giving any of them hugs. It made it hard though to look in his eyes as he watched the slides start to repeat again.

A woman who I had spent so much time with. That I had known for 28 years, but had lost a bit of touch with the past few. She was gone. I lost my second mom. A woman I kind of took for granted always being there. I forgot how important that family was to me, and this all brings it back. I miss them. I missed it all when I moved away. I was hoping everything in this town was like in some special 'status' chamber, but I know that doesn't happen. Everyone grows up and changes. Memories are what we have.

My sister and I talked a bit tonight about how, well, we feel selfish when someone dies. We aren't mad they died. We think sometimes they are lucky. But we think of how we are still here and now we have to deal with life without them. It effects us now. They are free of the worldly confines. We are still here...and we miss them.

My poetry tonight is simple silence. (Ok, so I hear my dad sawing logs downstairs, but silence otherwise.) Just a simple poem of our lives, and how memories and people weave them in and out.